Twilight's Legendary Quest for Vodka

"I got her for you, my lord. My minions here were no help at all." She bucked one of the white-covered colts in the face, making him scream.

"Thank you, my dear. You have done me a great service. You may go."

"But, my lord, what of the Princess?"

"She'll be fine here. I doubt she could do anything with that ring on her horn or her wings bound." He snapped his eagle-claw-like fingers. "Or without any horn or wings at all."

The Sun Princess spoke up. "You know, you probably won't get away with this. I've seen Twilight do some pretty neat crud before. Even if she is... let's say... mentally insufficient."

"Yes, I know. But you have to remember that I can manipulate time and space to my will. For example..." He snapped his fingers again. "Your sister never existed."

"My... what?"

"Your—"

"She's behind you."

"Behind me? What's—" Discord's face received a balloon full of egg custard, blinding him temporarily. A large, dark, almost regal figure behind him was laughing hysterically. It had a huge flowing cloud of what looked like the middle of the night attached to its head.

"HAHAHA! I got you good! Don't mess with the Lunanator!"

"Sister, why did you follow me?"

"Very funny." Discord forced his eyes open and snapped his fingers yet again, making Luna disappear and reappear in an indigo flash of light. She no longer had a horn or wings. "But you must remember who is the real King of Chaos here."

"He's right, you know. You can't hope to fight him alone. Shall I take them to their room, my lord?"

"You shall." Discord dismissed his minion with a claw, but quickly amended. "But first, what have you heard of the Elements?"

"The dragon in Hoofington Tower has been extinguished; the first Element retrieved by the unicorn."

"Thank you." He dismissively waved his claw again, turning his gaze to one of the many stained glass portraits. "How boring. These windows could use a little more... chaos." He snapped his fingers for the third time, turning the windows into flowing messes of beautiful colour. He smiled.

As the princesses left the room, Celestia quietly asked, "Twilight?"

The door behind closed them, letting Discord sit alone on his massive throne in this strange location. "Shadowbolts."

Three dark pegasi oozed out of the ground, at a respectful distance from Discord, bowing. "Yes, lord?"

"See if you can get that map for me. If that Twilight Sparkle can use it properly, then anyone can."

"Yes, my lord."

* * *

"You will stay in here." Discord's minion left the two best sisters in a small dungeon cell with a two-pony bunk bed.

"Shotgun! No—Screw you, big sister! It's mine!"

"Shotgun! Get off! I'm sleeping here! No it's not!"

They argued for several hours until Celestia finally gave up to her younger sister's immense physical strength. Nopony could ever compete with that. Not for a thousand years. "Fine, Luna." She hopped off the top bunk and lied down on the bottom bunk.

"Hey."

"Yes, Luna?"

"Huh? That wasn't—"

"It was me." A small ball of brightly glowing yellow flame oozed out of the wall, seeming to bow. The sisters stared in wonder. "You got here and suddenly I felt a lot stronger. Must be your fire magic."

"Discord took away my horn though... I'm sorry, who are you? What are you?"

"Name's Tinderbo-XX. But you can just call me Tinder. I... it's a long story. I'll tell you later some time if I think I can trust you. Right now I'm processing some information about a map. Lord Discord told me all about it. Also, you are still physiologically an alicorn. You still radiate the same magic, even if you can't consciously use it."

"Tinderbo-XX? Does that mean you're a...?"

"That is correct. I am an Electronic Flame Class Artificially Intelligent Draconequus Service Sprite Droid. EFCAIDSSD for short."

"That doesn't sound easy to remember. Eficaydassed? I can't be bothered." Celestia waved a lazy hoof at the little sprite, forcing it to dodge back.

"Call me Tinder."

"Right, Tinder."

"Discord might not know it, but I have quite a bit influence in this area. Discord wasn't counting on that. Anyway, do you want to send a message to your protege, Twilight?" At this, the princess's ears perked up and her eyes widened.

"You can do that?"

"Yes. I am Discord's mailbox as well as his servant. That is why I have yellow flames."

"Of course. It's so obvious! Derp. Yeah, I guess I'll do it," she replied, slapping a hoof on her face. Now that her horn was gone, she didn't have to worry about hitting it. She had always wanted to facehoof.

"Since you don't have a way of writing, I can send the message using some other material. There, in the corner. I can use one of those rocks. Just tell me your message." A small flare redirected Celestia's focus on a decently-sized black stone.

"Hey, Twilight. Discord's sending somepony to come get you, I guess. I know him pretty well and he seems to do that kind of thing a lot after I leave the room. I'm stuck in some place I don't recognize. You'll figure it out."

"Did you mean: 'Hello, Twilight. Discord is sending somepony to come and intercept you, I presume. I know him relatively well and he seems to do a similar kind of thing very often after I leave the room in which we have spoken. I am stuck in a place which I do not recognize. You will figure it out.'?"

"No! What the...? That would make me sound like a total prude!"

"Very well. Throw the rock at me to send." EFICAIDSSD didn't have to ask twice. "Message sent."

* * *

A castle, slightly smaller than Sir Hoofington's castle stood menacingly atop an irregularly shaped platform made from some sort of dark stone. The platform was attached to the mainland via a narrow, zigzagging pathway suspended over a huge pool of lava. The castle itself appeared to be made of a black crystal, almost onyx in texture, however crystalline in shape.

Inside, a number of ponies wearing spiked armour were stationed. There was a knock at the front door. Immediately, two armoured ponies opened it, allowing a large, dark grey stallion with an oddly curved horn to step in.

"HEY! What are you waiting for, slaves? Where is my... assistant?"

"I'm here, sir. Ready to serve you always, my King." A youthful-looking, fully invisible, due to the purple robe she was wearing, unicorn mare stepped through the door on the opposite side of the room.

"Take me to my chamber."

The King's assistant led him through his castle. It was a straight shot to his chamber, the hallway containing a single, deep red carpet. The walls were adorned with various artful decorations, such as windows and flat surfaces. There were also black crystal chains attached to skulls hanging from pillars placed at a set interval throughout the hallway.

"We have arrived, my King."

"I think I can recognize my own chamber. Now, tell me! Why didn't that work?"

"The artifact you hid away was not as powerful as those required," she explained. "To enslave an entire empire and be able to hold it under your hoof without fight needs something more powerful."

"What is it? Spit it out!"

"The Elements of Potato, sir."

"...Potato. Yes, I shall be King Sombra of Potatoes! Everypony will fear me and bow down before—POTATO? Do you honestly expect me to believe this garbage?!"

"I assure you, it is true, my King. The same unicorn scum who caused you to be defeated is on a quest for them. She is being helped by the Spirit of Chaos himself, Discord."

"Discord! That rat? What can we do?"

"I suggest we steal the map they are using to find the Elements, sir."

"That might end in my defeat, yet again. We need to be clever. Research the matter before we do anything."

"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir." The unicorn assistant made to leave, but thought of something. "By the way, King Sombra... Do you like fried eggs?"

"Bleargh! I HATE them!" The King gagged for a second. "Eugh! Were you trying to make me throw up? Get out of my sight!"

"No! Sorry, sir." The mysterious mare began walking away swiftly, but not swiftly enough to escape the room and avoid hearing the King belching and making horrible splashing noises as the air filled with an indescribably putrid odour. "I shouldn't have asked."

* * *

Hoofington Valley, 8:30 PM.

"Come on, Dad! Stop falling off!" Rainbow Dash continued to try and secure her father to her back, allowing her to carry him more than a few feet without dropping him, all to no avail. It seemed like his cutie mark should have been a cliff with a pony falling off it. Instead, it was a bottle of scotch.

"Hebewebeh?"

"Speak properly, Dad! You haven't been drunk for ages!"

"Right... sorry, Rundybow Daysh!"

"Close enough." She resorted to dragging him along the grassy plain, until she noticed something in the distance. "Is that a... town?"

"Ah reckon it is! Looks like we went right past it on our way here," Applejack agreed.

"Or right through it..." Twilight suggested.

"Yeah. So, Dad... how did you manage to get eaten by a dragon?"

"Oh, I uhhhh..."

"Dad!"

"Oh! Well, first I got to this castle... I wanted to find that bottle there, 'cause one of my friends in town told me it was worth a fortune. I looked around for a while, and I kind of just... walked into the dragon's mouth. Yeah... not my best day."

"Huh. All right, I guess that's the best answer I'm gonna get."

"We're nearly at that town, by the way!" Twilight mentioned. "I think we did actually walk straight through it. It's right on the path we used to get here."

"Well, that's weird. How the hay did that happen?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Beats me." Applejack said. "Folks around town probably know."

"Hey, Dashie... I got a good friend in the bar. You should probably stop there first," Rainbow Dash's father suggested. "Oh, by the way, girls, my name's Hurricane. My little Dashie's already told me about you and your friends."

* * *

Mysterious Town, 8:00 PM.

They arrived at their temporary destination, disoriented from being in an utterly obvious area they had walked right through. It was a small town with a rather homely feel. There were small gardens outside every property—the town even had a small pond!

"This rock! Right here! I remember seeing this on the way to the castle! How did I not notice the entire civilization built around it?" Rainbow Dash questioned in exasperation, approaching panic. She was clearly suffering from severe cognitive dissonance. "What?!"

"Yeah, this town seems to have a habit o' doin' that." A green earth pony stepped out from behind a thin, rusted iron pole. He was wearing a desperado cowboy hat and a brown leather jacket. He also had a large white moustache.

"I'm just gonna ignore what you're wearing..." Rainbow Dash stated.

"That's right with me. Now, I suppose you want an explanation."

"Not really, just take us to the bar."

"Okay, fine. I don't like tellin' that story anyhow. I'm General White. Nice to meet ya."

"Hi. Where is the bar? We're tired because we just killed a dragon."

He sighed. "Ugh, over to the east side o' town. There's a big sign with a bed on it, you see, it's also an inn." He turned and began to walk away while muttering something about unfriendly snobs.

"Thank you," Rainbow Dash forced out. The group began their epic journey toward the bar on the other side of town, leaving the weird stallion behind.

"Now, Dashie, I gotta warn you. This friend of mine is a bit... different. She won't hurt you though," Hurricane informed.

The team finally found the sign with picture of the bed outside the inn after dozens of seconds worth of searching. They entered and immediately recognized the "different" mare behind the counter. She was a grey pegasus with golden eyes, mane and tail and she had a group of bubbles for a cutie mark. She had a wide, friendly grin on her face.

"Hello, friends! Welcome to Pegasusberg inn! Rooms upstairs are five bits a night and... oh hey! It's you! Hurricane, you haven't dropped in for ages!" she cheerily stated.

"Hey Ditzy! I kinda got swallowed by a dragon," he replied, suddenly jerking and rubbing his head with a little grunt.

"That's no good! You smell like scotch." She produced a shot glass from the shelves behind her and placed it under a tap. She turned it on, and a dark purple fluid 'flowed' into it. Holding it up to Hurricane, she said, "Here, drink this!"

"Thanks, Ditzy, this hangover is killing me. I could use a another, though."

Twilight was reminded of her own soul-smashing headache. "Uh, I think I could use one of those as well. Or 10."

Rainbow Dash corrected her: "Uh, that would be 7. My father had three drinks: those three bottles you threw at the dragon. If he's having one of these hangover cures, then the ratio of the number drinks to the number of cures is 2:3. Since you had 10 drinks... I counted... two thirds of that would be 6 and a third rounded up, to be certain. Of course, there is the fact that this drink may make up for more than the exact amount he had, meaning you would require some amount above one third and equal to or below two thirds of 10. Therefore, you need between 4 and 7 cures."

Twilight stood in the center of the room with a look of shock on her face due to what Rainbow Dash had just said. "What? I thought I was supposed to be the smart one!"

"Sorry, Twilight. I knew we'd come to this eventually, but... we all just let you think you were the smart one. In reality, you're... you're the... uh... least intelligent of all of us," Rainbow informed regretfully, rubbing her hoof on the back of her head.

"But... how does... I don't..." Twilight trailed off, looking at the ground and shaking her head. "All this time..."

"Yeah."

"I need to rest. I'll take one of those cures, please, Ditzy."

"All right! That'll be seven bits plus five for the room." Twilight levitated the bits out of her saddlebags.

"Thanks, Ditzy."

With that, the rest of them decided to hit the hay as well.

* * *

Rainbow Dash was flying in the sky, one of her favourite pastimes.

"Dash."

"Wheeeeeheeeheeee!!!"

"Dash."

She pushed downward as hard as her wings would manage and, once she reached her apex above the cloud layer, tucked her wings away as tightly as possible to reduce drag.

"Dash!"

Accelerating downwards with as little wind resistance as possible—

"DASH!"

* * *

Pegasusberg, 7:30 AM.

Rainbow Dash's eyes split open and she swung her head up from the mattress so hard that she almost smashed Twilight's muzzle to a pulp. "Ach! What? Twilight! You should know better than to be that close when forcibly waking someone up!"

"Well, at least I'm not the lazy one," she replied, rubbing her nose. "Come on, we're talking to your dad about something."

"About what?"

"He wants to join the team."

"THAT'S RIGHT!" Hurricane was suddenly standing right in front of Twilight, causing her to flinch and nearly buck Rainbow Dash in the face as revenge for her involuntary action earlier, and attempt to pass it off as just a reflex. "I do want to join the team! Apparently I was a bit too peculiar for the rest of your friends, but they allowed me to ask you directly to see whether or not—"

"No, Dad. You get drunk waaay too often. You'd just slow us down."

"But I've got connections, I—"

"Sorry, Dad."

"Aww. Fine. But I at least get to kiss that purple pony there on the cheek."

"Ugh. Twilight?"

"NO."

"Well, there's your answer. Goodbye, Dad." Rainbow Dash leaned in to give her father a big hug, but he shrank away in spite.

"You're nut gittin' nu hugs frum meeee!" He crossed his legs tightly and turned his nose up.

"All right then. Goodbye, Dad."

Before they exited the room with Twilight in front, Ditzy remembered something. "Wait! You'll probably want more supplies! The shopkeeper over at the other side of town has really great prices! Ask him about the buried treasure!"

Twilight replied, "Sure thing, Ditzy."

The team had exited the inn when Hurricane rushed out the door and pleaded, "Please, let me join the team! I promise I won't be a bother!"

All three of them stared at him in frustration.

"Okay then, I'll just... stay back here... all alone." He slowly reversed back into the building, looking around awkwardly.

Twilight was the first to talk after the awkward silence. "So... the item shop. Right across the street. Great!" She led her friends into the building with a picture of a bit and a mushroom on the sign.

"Welcome! Welcome! Welcome to the magnificent and wonderful Pegasusberg general store! We've got everything from mushrooms to... better mushrooms! Come in and take a look around... if you want some... mushrooms, that is!" The pegasus buck behind the counter was primarily red, but he had some (symmetrical) white patches of fur, as well as a white mane. He looked very odd indeed.

Twilight's team each went their own directions to look at the wide range of mushrooms they had for sale. Rainbow Dash was looking at a red mushroom with large white spots and... eyes? "Twilight? What kind of mushrooms are these?"

The focus of Twilight's eyes matched that of Rainbow Dash and she immediately know why her friend was asking. "Don't worry, they're all dead. They won't attack you. They're what I use in my potions, anyway."

"Uh-huh." Rainbow Dash started looking around at other mushrooms, now curious. She asked the shopkeeper, "Why are they different colours?"

He immediately and cheerfully replied, "That would be because each of them has a different function or level of efficiency!" He moved to the first one: the red mushroom. "This one here heals five hit points. Nothin' uber special." He began slowly walking along the counter. "The blue one heals ten. No extra functions. The green one: a whopping fifty! Good for if you're feelin' really tired when you're normally real tough. This black one here with the lightnin' bolt is a personal favourite o' mine. If you eat it, monsters will take damage of they hit you directly. Usually lasts about three turns, dependin' on how fast you c'n fight. This one here has some super magical powers, really useful. The heart means if you fall in battle, it'll get you right back up at ten Hit Points! A bit more expensive than the blue one, due to its special powers. And this curiously pink one over here will heal you ten points, two per turn up to ten points. A little less expensive than the Life Shroom, but more so than the Super Shroom. I have one more in the back... it's an ultra rare specialty of mine. Don't go tellin' nobody, 'cause I'll kill ya."

Rainbow Dash nodded fiercely as she was positively enraptured by the huge assortment of mushrooms on the table. Maybe it was because it reminded her of her own spectrum of colours, but she didn't care. She just loved the range. She followed the buck into the back room, her jaw hanging open in awe.

"Aaaand, here, we have the greatest mushroom Equestria has ever seen. Only found in the depths of the desert. I went there when I was younger. Quite an adventure. Anyway, this one'll cost ya all ya got with a full wallet. 999 bits for mah Buff Shroom. Increases attack power and defense by 2 points, for five turns, while healin' ten points each turn." He opened a huge red curtain and revealed a shiny golden mushroom with a slight red glow, then paused for a few seconds in thought. "Actually, if you could do a job for me, I'd be happy to give it to ya for free. Gotta warn ya though: it's reeeeal dangerous-like."

"Huh. Well, that sounds... awesome. Could I let my friends in on this? I'm kinda on an epic quest with them."

"Eeeeeyeah... don't let 'em tell anypony else though, or I'll get real mad. Do you wanna know what I do the the necks of ponies who piss me off?"

"Um, I can probably guess."

"Good. Now I gotta tell you the pricing for these 'shrooms!" He led her back into the main shop and back to the red mushroom. "8 bits for the Mushroom, 20 bits for the Super Shroom, 150 for the Ultra Shroom, 20 for the Volt Shroom, 40 for the Life Shroom and 30 for the Slow Shroom. Any questions?"

"Uh... no. I'll take a couple of those... Super Shrooms? Thanks."

"Pleasure doin' business with ya!" He lifted two blue mushrooms with his wing to place them on the counter and took 40 bits. "Now, about this quest... you'll find an item out in the Badlands. Near the middle, there's a temple built by some ancient civilization. I don't know the history of it, but, from what I've heard, inside, there's a bunch of monsters, even ghosts, but there is also a legendary statue... or stone... I'm not sure, that detail seems to change a lot. That's right at the bottom. You know that book—"

Rainbow Dash had leapt into the air and was hovering, her eyes forced open as far as was physically possible. "Daring Do and the Quest for the Sapphire Stone?!" she interrupted.

"Uh, yeah. That one. You read it?"

"Only like 17 times! But... the Badlands? Wasn't the statue in a jungle?"

"According to the legend, yes, but time has taken its toll on that area. The trees and plant life are long dead. Nothin' left but the strongest artificial structures."

"Fascinating... I accept your mission, but I might not come back here for a while, if at all. That stone would be extremely valuable to me. More valuable than some temporary power. Or more invaluable"

The shopkeeper grunted in what was probably slight contempt. "Hm. Well, I hope you make the better choice. Good luck, and remember, the Buff Shroom's waitin' for ya! Maybe you'll get 50% off your second one!" He dismissed her with a hoof and welcomed another pony into his store.

Outside, Twilight and Applejack were talking about food when Rainbow Dash intruded on the conversation. "Hey! I got all I needed. And more."

"More?" Twilight responded, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, I got a little quest from the buck behind the counter. Remember the Sapphire Stone? Apparently it's real. And this guy wants it."

"Real? But... that book is fiction! It can't just—" Twilight looked around from point to point on the dusty ground, trying to find something to focus on.

"I know, I know! That's what I thought! But he wants it, and if we get it, he has a special prize for us. Something I'm sure you can brew into something really powerful."

"Hmm... interesting..." Twilight raised her head and scratched her chin with a hoof for a few seconds. "Where did you say this was?"

"I didn't. It's in the Equestrian Badlands. The jungle was there, but it's long dead, apparently."

"Well, we'll look into that a bit later. Right now, that's out of our way."

"Right. So we go back to Discord now?"

"Yep."

They made sure they still had all of their stuff and promptly set off toward Ponyville.

* * *

Ponyville, 10:00 AM.

"Twilight. We're here. You can wake up now. Twilight!" Rainbow Dash clopped her hooves right in front of Twilight's face.

"Huh?" She awoke with a start, realising that she had just walked miles without even being awake.

"There y'are, girl! I thought you'd never wake up!" Applejack smiled brightly, nudging Twilight's shoulder with a strong hoof.

They were just arriving near Ponyville. At the outskirts was a wide, light-yellow coated stallion with a brown moustache wearing a large, garishly red and white striped tunic and hat. He was carrying a huge bag full of supplies on his back. Twilight was surprised when he shouted in her direction, having such charisma that it drew her in.

"HEY, YOU! You want a rare badge for a one-time-only special price? Come over here and get a Defend Plus for only 150 bits!"

"Defend Plus... what does that do?" She stared at the metallic blue triangle

"Why, it blocks one point of damage from all enemy attacks, of course! Comes in very handy when fighting foes that attack multiple times!"

Twilight finally had to ask. "When did everything become so quantized?"

"Ever since you began your journey for the Elements of Potato!"

"Wait, how did you know—"

"Every character knows! All they have to do is access your Nintendo Gamecube's memory and—"

"Hey, wait, wait, wait. What? What are you talking about?"

"I'm just tellin' you what you asked for, kid!"

She sighed, defeated. "All right. Whatever, I don't think I want to know. Gimme the badge."

"Very well, that'll be 150 bits!" Twilight levitated the bits out of her saddlebags and greedily took the shiny badge. She was beginning to run out of currency. "Come back sometime! I'll have more rare stuff on which you can spend all of your shiny money!"

Twilight left with her friends trailing closely behind her. She noticed the familiar, large black cube in the distance, radiating some uncomfortable dark energy. It seemed to be glowing harder than before, to Twilight's untrained mind. Suddenly, a light brown coated stallion with a giant hourglass on his flank burst out of a nearby door with his eyes wide and appeared to be panicking. He was wearing an odd bucket-shaped red thing on his head, much to the team's—especially Twilight's—confusion. He turned around and faced her directly and immediately began galloping toward her while taking some highly unusual deep breaths. "You! What are you doing there? Get in, get in, you silly fillies!"

Before they could say anything or resist, he led—pushed—them into a small house with nothing particularly special about it. There was a small bin with some notes, a desk with papers all over it, a large blue box and shelves filled with various sizes of history books.

"Oh. OH! I have to talk to you! You're the ones going on that quest, right? I saw you when you left town. I wanted to speak to you before you left, but... you left." He was speaking very quickly, as if something really bad was about to happen. "Something very bad is about to happen! Very bad indeed!"

"What? What is about to happen?" Twilight asked, almost panicking, herself.

"Oh... right here. In this book. Doesn't say much about what that cube is, but it said it'd be here and something would escape. After being imprisoned for a thousand years! Now, I know you already defeated Nightmare Moon, so that can't be it. Hmmm... HMMMMMMM... HHHRRRRRRRMMMMMMMMM" He stood there solidly, watching the pages of the book, waiting for something to leap off the page.

After Twilight waited for almost a minute while the weird pony just stared, she took a cautious step closer and broke the silence. "Well? Are you going to tell us what you've found or just stand there? We're kinda on a mission right now that we'd rather like to complete."

It took a moment for him to realise he had been asked a question. "Nope. Just stories, I think. Come back later when you've done some more questing."

Disappointed, and slightly annoyed, her muzzle formed a grimace as she led her elite bodyguards off the premises.

...