Spike's Granny Smith.

If you haven't guessed by now, the chapter titles hold no relevance to the chapters themselves.

Spike strolled into the bingo hall, carrying an intense amount of swagger on his shoulders. He was still decked out in his golden suspenders. His corncob pipe glistened in the flourescent lights that were hanging above him, there was only one final step, then his transformation would be complete.

Spike pulled out a bottle of hair gel and dumped the entire thing on his head. He slicked his scales back, only to have them spring back up and sent an enormous glob of hair gel flying through the air. It splattered all over the wall with a disgusting squelching sound, slowly dripping down the wall and onto the floor.

"Celestia damn it,"exclaimed Spike angrily,"what good are these suspenders if I can't even slick my hair back!"

Spike ripped off his suspenders, an easy feat since he wasn't wearing pants, then he threw them on the ground and stomped on them and lit them on fire.

"Stupid suspenders,"Spike muttered to himself,"what a waste of six thousand bits,oh well at least I still have this awesome corncob pipe."

He walked through the lobby and into the bingo area. It was filled to the brim with old ladies that were ripe for the picking, well not really ripe, more like a few decades past the expiration date, which by the way is the same as the sell by date. Honestly you people make me sick, if the store won't even sell it anymore then you probably shouldn't eat it.

Spike grabbed a bingo card and started eyeing the local tail. There was a rather sexy vixen at the third table, her pasty white fur complimented her various flaps and wrinkles, one of which had a piece of moldy cheese stuck inside of it. Spike moved in to get a closer look and he shuddered in orgasmic delight as his nostrils took in her intoxicating scent.

"Nice perfume," Spike said to the wrinkly goddess in front of him," is it aspirin and pee?"

The foxy pony in front of him, her crows feet sparkling in the light.
She turned all the way around, exposing her beautiful face to-

"HOLY SHIT YOU'RE A GUY,"Spike screamed as he ran out of the bingo hall and into the men's restroom. He ran to the sink and turned the water on as hot as it could possibly get to, then he began splashing water all over himself, creating quite a mess.

"Goodness deary, are you alright? Came a melodious voice from behind him. Spike turned around, only to get a face full of purse.

"What are you doing in the girls bathroom you pervert," screamed the ancient assailant as she mercilessly assaulted Spike with her handbag.

"This is the men's room," Spike yelled in between hits. Suddenly his attacker stopped, and Spike turned to see that it was Granny Smith, and she was blushing.

"Oh I'm so sorry,"Granny said,"uhh what's your name? I've seen you before."

"My name is-"

"No no, don't tell me, I'll get it, I wanna sayyy, OH! Is it spud?"

"It's Spike."

"Hey now, that was gonna be my next guess, oh well, I'm sorry for attacking you Spike, anyway I've got to get back to my bingo card, don't want anypony to cheat,"she turned and left, giving Spike an eyeful of her gorgeous sagging plot.

"Hold on a minute Granny Smith, why don't we ditch this scene and go on a date? I know of this adorable little restraunt called 'Restraunt' wanna come?"

Granny Smith turned to Spike, intending to reject him as politely as possible, but then she saw his corncob pipe, and was instantly overcome with desire. She gave him a sexy look.

"Absolutely, hot stuff."

I didn't make up that restraunt, that's the actual name of a place that was rather close to my house back when I lived in Florida.

By the way, I thought I'd let you know that I'm so awesome that I don't even need to open doors, I look at them and they open for me.