Samurai Gak

by Solaire of Astora

First published January 1st, 1970 00:00

Long ago, in a distant land, Nickelodeon, the shape-shifting master of darkness, unleashed an unspeakable evil.

But foolish Alicorn princesses, with their magical horns, stepped forth to oppose the Gak.

Before the final blow was struck, it tore open a portal in time, and flung them into the future, where Gak is law.

Now, they seek to return to the past, and undo the evil that is Gak.

Mami Tomoe is mai waifu, and makes an appearance.

Celestia is Jack.

Luna is the Scotsman.

Chapters

IT BEGINS

IT BEGINS
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Samurai Gak

IT BEGINS

"SHEEEEEEEEEEYIT NIGGA, this finale is some badass shit. God damn. I want to pinch my nipples with my hands and be like, YOOOOO THIS IS BETTER THAN BOKU NO PICO" exclaimed Celestia, after taking a hit of her bong.

"BEIN' A SAMURAI IS SOME HARD ASS SHIT, FUCK. WE SHOULD LIKE GET SOME NINJA BITCHES UP IN HERE."

Luna nodded in agreement.

"ACH, IT BE ALL SCOTSMANLIKE TA AGREE WICHA, LAD."

"NIGGA I AIN'T NO LAD MUFUKKUH!" Celestia roared, as she pulled out her uzi.

"WELL, DON'T GET YER KNICKERS IN A BUNCH, MISTER PAJAMA-WEARIN' *lol gibberish XDDDddDDDDADAWDADD*"

"Fuck. That hurt my feelings, nigga. Real deep and shit." Celestia sighed, and put the gun back into her magical sky pocket that you don't question because the Author has that kind of liberty with these things.

"Ach, ye shood see mah wife, then, lad! Real crazy son of a bitch, she is. Ah thought she had a manly little penis for the longest time!" The Scotsmare bellowed, in her typical baritone.

Celestia giggled.

That nigger WAS pretty manly.

It was then that the Gak commercials began blaring.

"My little GAK! MY LITTLE GAK! WAHAHAHAHAHAAGAAAAAAAAAAK MY LITTLE GAK! I USED TO WONDER WHAT GAKGAK COULD BE! UNTIL YOU ALL SHARED GAK WITH ME! INCREDIBLE, SQUISHABLE, SQUASHABLE, SQUEEZABLE, STUFF! GAK! MY LITTLE GAK! I WANT YOU TO KNOW YOU'RE ALL MY VERY BEST GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!"

Celestia gagged, Luna cried, a Microsoft employee committed suicide, Steve Jobs cackled maniacally in the grave, the angels wept, the Earth trembled, a gerbil was put into a man's ass, Homura Akemi is probably trying to find Madoka's underwear for nefarious deeds, Jack Black is likely being a butterfly, Shinji Ikari is probably being a whiny whore, The Author is being a waifufag over Mami Tomoe's glorious perfection, and he wondered why his nipples were hard.

And then Mami Tomoe fell out of the fucking sky because she's the best magical girl ever, and if you make a head joke, I will impale your ass with a spear and giggle as your fecal oils slither around the shaft and lubricate my hands for the fisting that comes afterwords.

"Nigga, my ass hurts." She moaned.

Celestia mooed loudly and flooded the world with ejaculate, which is what created the Arctic ocean.

Luna passed out from seeing the sexy goddess in person.

They then flew off into the sunset on the backs of one another (It was a giant mess, truly. There were no survivors. Story over. The Gak remained undefeated.

I'm just kidding, that would be fucking stupid. Let's continue.

"Mah nigga Mami-san," began Celestia. "Please let me squeeze your mammies."

And she denied it, as her glorious mammies are only for The Author.

Who shall continue to refer to himself as The Author.

Fuck you, that's why.

"ACH, LASS AND LAD! WE NEED TAH GET AH PLAN. THIS EFFETE GAK SHITE BE MAKIN' MAH EARS BLEED!" the Scotsmare echoed.

Mami considered this, then nodded.

"I can't watch ponies with this dumb autismal bullshit blaring every three seconds."

Celestia grunted, and began to pack her various G equipment. Her Uzi, AK and grape drank were all in their various storage compartments.

"So... Mah niggas, we gun blow up the Nickelodeon buildin' or what? They hasn't really been makin' anything good for a while now. Spongebob has been raped dry after about the fifth season. It's just painful at this point."

"Ah think we should strike at the factoreh, and get 'em where it hurts."

"I conveniently saw a giant blob of Gak that looked vaguely like Aku of Samurai Jack when I fell. Anyway, I'm the prettiest, smartest, cutest 15 year old that ever lived, since age doesn't really matter in anime at all whatsoever, so I decree that we sing Journey." Mami quipped.

"What ah convenient plot device, lass! If ye can even call this pile of effete shite a plot!" Scotsmare roared with laughter because she's a nigger.

Because questioning why Mami Tomoe was in Equestria wasn't of any importance, right?

Fuck you, it's my story.

And it's terrible.

Goku screamed as his dragon balls flooded Cadence's ass with torrents of semen, Terry Crews moaned and pleased a watermelon in the most sexual and sensual of fashions, and Solaire of Astora pinched his nipples as he drank Sunny D. To be grossly incandescent, you see.

I still don't know why I wrote that. Or why I'm writing this. But you're reading it, you son of a bitch, and it's a miracle.

It was then that FLUTTERWHARGARBL roared and flew over the horizon, blasting the farms with its fire, but nobody gave a fuck because they're farms.

What a thrill, with darkness and silence through the night.

What a thrill.

I'm searching, and I'll melt into you.

WHAT A FEAR IN MY HEART, BUT YOU'RE SO SUPREEEEEEEEEEME

I'D GIVE MY LIFE, NOT FOR HONOR, BUT FOR YOU

IN MY TIME, THERE'LL BE NO ONE ELSE

CRIME, IT'S THE WAY I'VE LIED TO YOU

I'M STILL IN A DREAM, SNAKE EAAAATTTEEERRRRRR

SOMEDAY, YOU GO THROUGH THE RAIN

SOMEDAY, YOU FEED ON A TREEFROG

IT'S AN ORDEAL, THE TRIAL TO SURVIVE

FOR THE DAY, WE SEE NEW LIGHT

I'D GIVE MY LIFE

NOT FOR HONOR, BUT FOR YOUUUOUOUOUOU

SNAKE EATERRRR

IN MY TIIIIIIMMMMEEEEE

And then Mami smashed The Author's conveniently placed jukebox because she wanted to actually get on with the story. Wait, they still make those? Holy shit, I knew I should have bought the one I saw at that pawn shop, but I didn't have enough money. I had previously spent my paycheck on Nendoroids of Mami, the taste of shame, the hate of my family and a dakimakura.

It feels good to be gangster.

Mami cleared her throat.

Oh, right, I'm supposed to be writing something that's entertaining.

Uh.

Why the fuck am I doing this?

GOTTA GET BACK, BACK TO THE PAST, SAMURAI GAK

GAK GAK GAK

GOD KILL ME NOW

It was then that everyone in the story stopped dicking around.

"The Author really should write something that isn't retarded." Mami sighed.

"Ah agree, lass."

"Nigga, I be fine with how these present state of affairs is, because that be how it do so it is and that how it will. Kama Sutra, shit like that, nigga. Back to the past, samurai gak."

"You're going to make The Author hang himself, and that would be sad, because I love him unconditionally and am only saying this because he's making me."

And then The Author had an existential crisis, and would return to writing this at a later date.