Captain's Travels

Captain rubbed his right eye as a familiar twitch ran through it. "Ugh," he grunted.

"Are you alright Captain?" Asked Twilight.

"Yeah my eye's just acting up."

"What does that mean?"

"It means my idiot sense is tingling."

"Oh please there's no... such... thing," she replied as she remembered 'Pinkie sense'. "So anyways how has the tour of Ponyville been so far."

"Apart from being assaulted twice, insulted, and suffering massive blood loss everything's been fine."

"Good to hear," she said skeptically as they approached the library door. With a quick pull of the doorknob the door opened, and out flew a pink blur.

"Helooooooooooooo Cappy!" Shouted a pink pony as Captain rubbed his eye.

"Told you."

"Excuse me Pinkie, but why are you in my home?"

"Oh that's simple, I read up to last night, and I came here to throw Cappy a welcome to Ponyville/hope you're better/fuck it let's party party."

"That still doesn't explain why you couldn't have thrown it at Sugarcube Corner."

"Well at first I wanted it to be a surprise, but then Cappy's Captain sense gave it away. So now I'm just trying to make Cappy feel welcome. Any other blatant plot-gap filling questions you have?"

"Not really. Now if you'll excuse me I've got to write a letter to Princess Celestia. Come on Captain lets see if I cant find you a bed." With that the lavender unicorn took a step inside, what she saw made her blood boil and her intestines threaten to leap from her throat in disgust. There, laying on the floor was Spike coloring in several books. "SPIKE! WHAT THE FUCK!  DO YOU THINK! YOU ARE DOING!"

"AAAAA!" Yelped the lizard. "Y-you told me to get out all the books on humans we had so I did, this one here's got connect the dots, and this other one has a crossword puzzle, I'm not done with that one yet. You wanna give it a try."

"I meant all of the adult books we had."

"You said that I'm not allowed in the adult section of the library until I'm older, and besides these were all the books on humans we had."

"Seriously? What do they say at least?" Twilight asked, her head hung and her mood downcast.

"They say," Spike began as he stood up, and lifted a crayon covered book, "that humans are hairless gorilla pigs that stand on their hind legs all the time. It also says that they like to wear clothes all the time, and have thumbs. Apart from that not much else. How do you like my human?" Spike asked eagerly as held up a page with a purple and brown bipedal figure in the middle.

"How cute you made him smile. What did you do with the rest of the books I asked you to pull?"

"They're over there in that pile," he said haphazardly, waving a claw in the general direction of a small pile of books. With that Twilight trotted off to the books.

"Hey. That looks nothing like me," said Captain as he approached th purple lizard.

"It's not you, he's my original character. His name is Max. Max Powers. He's a super spy who saves the world, and gets all the ladies."

"Does he also have this annoying bookish female companion who constantly gets in his way, and messes up."

"Yeah actually. How'd you know."

"Lucky guess. Anyways he seems like a fine Mary Sue."

"No his name's Max."

"Awesome shorty, now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go find me a bed, and sleep for the next day and a half."

"But Cappy, if you sleep that long you'll miss your official 'Welcome to Ponyville' party," Pinkie said with a frown.

"Don't worry I'll just take a nap while you set everything up, and why aren't you surprised that I can speak english? "

"Okie dokie lokie. I'm not surprised because I never thought you couldn't."

"But how did you know?"

"Because I know that the author's lazy and didn't want to keep translating everything you said, so it would only make sense that you would speak equestrian to give him less work to do."

"I... think I'll go take a nap now."

"Okay Cappy see you later."

With Pinkie Pie off to god-knows-where and Spike doodling in childrens books Captain took his chance, and began to look for Twilight. His short search around the tree-house/library prooved to be a fruitful one, as Twilight was seen skulking around the basement.

"Hey Twilight what are you poking around the basement for?" Asked Captain, sticking his head through the door.

"I'm looking for the spare mattress. I keep it down here."

"Do you need some help?"

"No I've got it," she said with a grunt, as she pulled the mattress free.

"Great. Where to now?"

"I don't have a guest room, so that means that you can sleep in my room with Spike and myself."

"Sounds like a plan. Now let me help you with that."

"No it's alright. I've got it. Plus Fluttershy told me not to let you over exert yourself."

"Oh please," he said dismissively, "if I can take a windshield to the face at forty miles per hour, and still keep my pretty face intact, I'm fairly sure that lifting a mattress won't kill me."

"Pretty face?" Twilight asked. "That's the first I've heard you and pretty in the same sentence. Plus do you really want Fluttershy to give you 'the stare' again?"

"Fuck you too Sparkle. You've got a point on not pissing off Flutters though. Fine you win lets go," he conceded with a roll of his eyes.

The two walked to Twilight's bed room, and Captain could see that this mare had a thing for books. Books littered the floor, the walls, the bed, and even a few on the ceiling somehow.

"No life," he mumbled under his breath.

"What was that Capitan?"

"Nothing, simply noting what a lovely room you have here."

"Okay. This here will be your room," Twilight said as she gestured towards a bed-frame that was already assembled.

"Thank you Twilight. Now may I ask you where your bathroom is, I want to bathe before I go to sleep."

"Down the hall, and to the left. I'll finish setting up your bed while you bathe."

"Thanks."

Half an hour later, a positively refreshed looking Captain stepped out of the bath as a cloud of steam rolled out behind him.

"Y'ouch dude. Water hot enough for ya?" Asked Spike as he climbed up the stairs.

"What, you don't like the sensation of near boiling water caressing your backside?"

"Well yeah, but I've got scales that can keep out lava you don't."

"Lava? What the hell kind of lizard are you?"

"I'm a dragon," Spike said with his chest puffed out slightly.

"Seriously a dragon? So you breathe fire and what not correct?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Can you do me a favor?" Captain asked with a sly smile.

"Sure why not."

"Alright I want you to say 'Fus Ro Dah'."

"Okay, Fus Ro Dah." Nothing.

"Well it was worth a shot I guess."

"What did you want it to do anyways."

"Oh nothing. Now if you'll excuse me I have a date with a bed that I cannot miss."

"See you later I guess."

The two parted, Spike making his way to the library to mind the books, and Captain to see a mare about a bed. When Captain opened the door to the communal bedroom, he could see his bed made and a familiar purple mare sprawled out on the opposite side of the room. Gingerly tiptoeing his way to the bed, Captain laid down after a long day and a half of nonsense.

A familiar sight now greeted him, his dream world of midnight and endless fields now stretched as far as the eye could see. Slowly he made his way over to the familiar pond reflecting moonlight. For a tense few seconds Captain stared into his reflection, hearing nothing but the soft breeze gently bend long stalks of grass until finally he spoke.

"I do hope you know I can hear you."

"How... you... know... us... here?" The creature asked softly.

"I didn't. I was planing on you showing up, if you hadn't I would've just looked like an idiot," he replied, his eyes never leaving the water's surface.

"You... is... tricky... we... is... tricky... too," the spirit being replied.

"I'm getting up now, I don't want to hurt you, and I'm not chasing you down again so please don't leave. I just want to talk. Okay," he replied as he slowly got up, and turned to face the shadowy equine. Receiving no answer he assumed it had left.

"You... in-ter-es-ting," the creature said as he looked into the milky orbs it used for eyes.

"What's your name, and where am I?" He asked cautiously, hoping not to startle the creature.

"My... name... Lu-na, and this... is... dream," "Luna" responded.

"Alright then, why are you here?"

"You... in-ter-es-ting," she replied again slowly.

"Why the hell not," Captain mumbled, "do you always speak like that or what's going on?"

"It... hurt... us... to... be... here, in... you... head."

"Is there any way I can help?" He asked as he reached out to touch the shadowy form of Luna, only for his hand to pass through.

"We... try... but... you... not... like... magic."

"Can't you do anything?" He asked as he heard a few faint whispers on the wind.

"We... no... is... close... e-nuff... to... help."

"Where are you? Maybe I can come to you?"

"We... see... you... soon... e-nuff," she said before trotting off.

"Wait wait wait wait, wait. How is it that you find me interesting? And why are you leaving?" He asked as more whispers flew by.

The shadow merely waved a hoof, a large screen appeared before him, and the day's events began to play before him. "You... fu-ny," she added with a giggle.

"So I'm just some sort of joke to you?" He asked darkly.

"No...," she added quickly, "we... know... what... is... like... be... a-way... from... home... we... want... help... send... home."

"Really?" He asked skeptically, as the whispers grew louder, and the sky grew lighter.

"Yes... re-lee."

"So you're leaving now?"

"Yes."

"Why don't you stay, and enjoy a lovely sunrise with me."

"You... no... want... see... what... ha-pens... when... you... wake... with... us... in-side."

"Goodbye then, see you next time I feel like taking a nap," he blinked, and she was gone.

Staring into the western horizon, he saw the sun rise more abruptly than usual, as he absent mindedly rubbed his eye.

"Caaaaaaaaapy oh Caaaaaapy," recited a familiar high pitched voice.

"Whaaaat?" He whined.

"It's time for your party," added the voice.

"Seriously?" He asked while opening his eyes. "How long have I been out."

"About twelve hours now. We're already half done, and it wouldn't do for the guest of honor to not show up."

"Fine. Gimme a minute to get ready, then I'll be right down."

A few minutes, and Captain was making his way down the stairs. Already he could hear music playing as well as the raucous laughter of ponies down below. A familiar pounding bass rattled the walls, and emphasized his heavy foot falls as he neared the top of the staircase.

"Look everypony it's Cappy," shouted a pink blur in the sea of ponies.

Immediately every eye fell on him, and the needle skipped on the record. Aww shit, this isn't going to end well, he thought morosely to himself.

"Good evening everyone, I hope you're having a wonderful time," he said with a forced smile threatening to tear his face in half.

"Alright everypony let's give Captain here a round of applause," shouted Pinkie from the middle of the crowd. To their credit, they did cheer and stomp and shout in celebration, and soon enough the partying continued as Captain was lost in a wave of multicolor equines.

Several presented him with gifts, favors possibly believing him to be some sort of alien ambassador. A blue mare with an hour glass on her flank presented him with a toothbrush, a wall-eyed pegasus gave him a muffin, and a cream colored earth pony with an indigo and pink mane gave him a bag of lemon drops. The new friends he had made the past two days also gave him gifts, Applejack a few apples,  Pinkie Pie some turnovers, Rarity the clothes he had commissioned, Fluttershy more vials of medicine, Rainbow Dash gave him an autographed poster of herself, and Twilight gave him a book on the finer points of 'Equestria' All continued smoothly until he spotted a familiar seafoam unicorn with deep golden irises and a harp adorning her rear end.

"Come on say hi. You always said you wanted to meet a human," he heard someone say.

"I know that, but you didn't hear him at Sugarcube Corner the other day Bon-Bon," responded another voice deep with worry. "What if he goes crazy, and kills everypony here," the voice added. He turned to see the seafoam colored mare talking reluctantly to 'Bon-Bon'.

"I highly doubt that'll happen Lyra. Just go on over, and apologize for what you said. The worst he can do is still be mad at you."

"Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of," Lyra said as she took a shaky step towards Captain.

Captain could only watch as the seafoam mare made her way across the floor, and to an unimpressed human.

"H-hello," she said slowly. "Lovely weather today isn't it?"

"I wouldn't know, I was asleep all day," he replied nonchalantly.

"Look," she said, "I just wanted to apologize for what I said the other day at Sugarcube Corner. I was being stupid and selfish, and acting really foalish. So what I'm trying to say is-" she was cut off by a finger placed gently upon her lips.

"Apology accepted Lyra," he replied with a grin before lowering his head to hers, and whispering into her ear, "and if you ever talk about me like that again, I swear to your pagan gods that I'll skin you alive with your own God damned teeth." Captain stood, and wandered off to enjoy the rest of the festivities, but not before he saw a unicorn fall to her rump looking dumbstruck. He chuckled darkly to himself as he made his way around.

The rest of the party passed without incident, and as the hours stretched into the early morning, six mares and one human sat in the living room of the library swapping stories over a pint of apple cider. Save for Captain, who had been banned from sharing stories after he told them a tale entitled 'the time I got horribly nightmarish diarrhea'.

"So I'm stumbling through Canterlot, middle of the night drunk off my ass. When suddenly, I shit you not, this timber wolf comes out of nowhere, and tries to take a bite out of my leg. I'm like 'what the hell wolf I don't go around eating trees and shit do I? Of course not.' But remember, I was drunk off my ass so it actually sounded more like 'AAAAAA help me, a timber wolf's trying to eat my leg off somepony help me.'

Then out of nowhere this royal guard comes out, and starts blowing on this whistle which in turn caused the timber wolf to stop, but I didn't know this at the time so I keep running until I smashed into him. As it turns out, the royal guard was actually training timber wolves to sniff-out drunks, and corral them into the jails for the night. I did not know that.

So I'm tripping over myself as I slam into the guard, and this timber wolf is growling behind me. I damn near piss myself, damn near. I get up off the guard, and he looks me square in the face with that stony expression all the guards have, and he asks me what I'm doing out so late.

Then I figure I'm gonna be in some deep shit if I can't talk my way out of this. I don't even know what I was thinking at the time, so I get out my best puppy dog eyes, and get them watering. I remember that I was sobbing my voice cracked, and I tell him, 'please sir I was just trying to find my way home, when this timber wolf attacked me.'

The look on his face said it all, I was home free. Until he asked to escort me home. So then I was like-" *knock knock knock*

"I got it," said Captain as he got up to answer the door.

Pint of cider in hand Captain made his way to the door. When he opened the door an unexpected sight met his eyes. Standing in the doorway was an alabaster winged unicorn with an ethereal mane the same color as a sunrise, and atop the creature's head sat a dainty golden crown. The winged unicorn stood a full head taller than Captain, without being any wider.

"May I come in?" The creature asked in a gentle, regal voice. To which Captain responded by dumping the remaining cider into the flower bed, gently closing the door and returning to his spot in the living room.

"And long story short, that's why you don't run from the guards on a full bladder."

"Damn Fluttershy you've got the craziest stories," said Twilight

"Hey Applejack what the hell did you put in that cider?"

"Nothin' why?"

"Because I swear to god there's like this six foot talking horse outside that wants to be let inside."

"Oh please Captain the only pony I know of would be the Princess, and she should be in Canterlot right now," replied Twilight.

"Well does the Princess have this little golden crown thingy, and hair that's constantly moving?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I think I may have just closed the door on the Princess, or AJ really did lace the cider with something and I'm just tripping balls."

Several minutes, an overabundance of apologies, and quick introductions later, and the Princess was sitting amongst the seven already there with a pint held in her telekinetic grasp.

"So, I must ask you human what is your name?"

"Yeah ya keep changin' the subject every time we ask or deflect ta Captain," added AJ.

"Yeah," was the general consensus amongst the ponies gathered.

"Well you see," the man began reluctantly, "I'm just someguy."

"987," whispered Pinkie Pie. (Yes this entire fic has been leading up to that one crappy joke I hope you're satisfied if no up yours.)

"Seriously though what's your name?" Asked every mare there.

"Fine. My name is Raul Bocanegra."

"So Captain was it?" Asked the Princess.

"Yes."

The rest of the night passed rather quickly before the Princess returned to the castle. She left just before sunrise, and left a gilded invitation to the castle as well as a set of train tickets.