Captain's Travels

Jokes I can't really find a place for

*Note these following excerpts have absolutely nothing to do with each other or canon. They may be included later in the story, but probably not.

*Ding-ding* chimed the bell as Captain stepped through the door, and into Carousel Boutique. Rarity had asked him to show up the day before to take more measurements for a new outfit she was designing for him. With nothing else to do at the moment Captain agreed.

"Rarity are you in here?" He called out to the seemingly empty storefront.

"I'm upstairs Captain I'll be down in a moment just wait for me there."

Looking around Captain found the nearest chair, one at Rarity's desk as it turned out. Taking a seat he noticed a small stack of papers next to a typewriter. I really shouldn't he thought to himself, but since when has that ever stopped me before. Taking the small stack in his hands he read the top paper. "Captain's Travels" he noted. Apatheticly he flipped through the stack of papers until his gaze fell onto an arbitrary page, and he began to read.

"And so it was that Captain who had neither seen the rocky horizon in over a month, nor felt the soft caress of a woman in even longer now held his gaze over his first mate. The two sat there in the pale moonlight, shining through the window in the captain's quarters, looking into each others eyes. With a low and sultry voice Captain spoke, 'Come now Antoine I know you've had your eyes on me for a while now, so what is the problem.'

'The problem sir, is what will the crew think of our relationship when they find out. They will not accept us as we are, and will surely call for a mutiny.'

'Worry not about the crew Antoine, who are they to deny love such as ours,' Captain reassured his first mate as he slowly slid his hand over Antoine's-"

"WHAT THE FUCK RARITY! THERE ARE JUST SOME POSITIONS YOU DO NOT PUT TWO STRAIGHT MEN INTO. THIS WOULD BE ONE OF THEM. NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME I HAVE TO GO THROW UP FOR THE REST OF THE AFTERNOON AND THEN GO KILL SOMETHING TO MAKE SURE I'M STILL A MAN. BYE!" With that Captain stormed out of the boutique as a red faced Rarity was making her way down the stairs.

"Was the story alright at least?" She called out after him, horribly embarrassed.

"NO!" He retorted, "HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I MADE GAY PORN OF YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS?"

By now a small crowd of onlookers had gathered, and both Captain and Rarity had moved away.

Captain stood outside of Fluttershy's cottage, watching as the yellow pegasus fed the animals as part of her morning chores.

"Good morning Fluttershy, you wanted to see me?" He asked when she finally finished.

"Um yes that's right. Rarity was telling me about this magical floating rectangle you have that plays music."

"Oh you mean my phone. Sure I can play some music for you. What would you like to listen to?"

"I'm not sure. Whatever you want to play is okay with me."

You're going to regret those words. Captain thought maliciously. "here this song is lovely," he said as his lips curled into a sadistic grin. Placing the ear buds into the mare's ears Captain played his song.

"Um could you turn it up a bit please it's a bit quite," so he did, "a bit more please," and again. "Wait let the what hit the wh-" and so it did. Captain only watched sadisticly as the song finished, and the yellow mare was snapped out of her stupor. The question she asked him next stung worse than anything he could imagine.

"Do you have any more?"

(Arguing with a stallion) "sigue le asi guey y te arranco los pinches huevos por el culo." (Keep going man I'll rip your fucking balls out of your ass hole.)

Pinkie Pie bounded her way down mane street, and to the library to meet up with Captain whom she hadn't seen in a few days. Soon enough the building came into view, and she hurried her pace. Upon arriving Pinkie rapped on the door with a hoof, and waited for an answer. Beyond the door she could hear soft sobbing as well as the comforting voice of Twilight.

"Don't worry it'll be alright," Twilight said, "I'll be back in a second I'm just going to check the door, please don't cry anymore."

The sobbing only increased as the sound of hoofsteps approaching the door got louder. What answered the door was a disheveled Twilight, her mane was in disarray and her eyes bloodshot, she looked as though she hadn't slept well in a week.

"Wow Twilight what's wrong?" Pinkie asked sympathetically.

"It's Captain he has been crying non-stop for three days now. I don't know what else to do, he just keeps complaining about how crappy his life is and how he just wants it all to end."

"Oh no. Nononononononononononono," Pinkie muttered as she pulled out a geiger counter. "Oh no this is worse than I thought," she exclaimed.

"Why do you have a geiger counter?"

"It's not a geiger counter, it's my angst-o-meter. It measures the general level of angst in any one area, the more morose somepony it the more it'll tick. Right now it's saying that somepony in here is really unhappy. See," she said as she pointed at the a needle that was nearing the yellow section of a tri-color band. Swinging the device around, she located the source of the unhappiness, a lump on the couch crying it's eyes out. "Hurry Twilight we've got to cheer Captain up quickly before the needle gets to the red."

"Why, what happens if the needle reaches the red area?"

"If that happens Captain will be inconsolable and nopony will want to read the fic. Now Twilight we've got to make Cappy a BAMB again and quickly."

"What's a bamb."

"A Bad Ass Mother Buc-"

"Shut your mouth."

"Help me we've got to get him to attack something,  or swear, or crack an inappropriate joke. Something, anything. We can't let him become a mopey sad-sack." For several minutes the bubbly pink mare tried everything she knew to try and right Captain's sour mood, but nothing seemed to work. Slowly the needle on the counter climbed its way closer to the red, and even Pinkie's mane lost some of it's poofiness. With forlorn resignation, a fire lit in her eyes.

"Pinkie Pie what are you doing?" Asked Twilight as the pink mare positioned herself in front of the still dour human.

"I'm doing what needs to be done in order to save the fic," she said. "Please forgive me Captain," she mumbled right before she planted her lips firmly upon his, and stuck her tongue into his mouth. Immediately Captain pulled away, and began to gag violently, while wiping his tongue on his shirt.

"What the fuck Pinkie. That's not cool. What the hell have you been eating?  I think you gave me a cavity," he said as he spat to the side.

"Yeah well it wasn't a piece of cake for me either Cappy. You really should brush your teeth more often," she said as she mimicked Captain's spit to the side. "And eat less onion, it makes you a lousy kisser."

"Would you two quit spitting on my floor already," exclaimed a livid Twilight, "and what the hell was going on."

"I only did that in order to snap Captain out of the funk that he was in. So did the needle go down at least."

"Yeah it seems to be planted firmly in the green."

"You okay Cappy?" Asked Pinkie as she looked Captain over.

"My first kiss, and it was from a horse," he mumbled pitifully.