Melancholy and the Infinite Stupid
Another day, another demonaic despot deposed. After days of celebration in Canterlot, Twilight returned to the Golden Oaks library, ready for a long sleep and a lazy couple days before the next crisis. While Spike staggered to his bed, Twilight took a moment in the bathroom to brush her teeth and comb some crystal residue out of her mane.
Entering her bedroom, she found Spike already sprawled out in his doggy bed. Some spiteful part of her brain smiled at the idea that, even though he was immortalized in stained glass, he still slept less than inch from the floor.
The Unicorn leaned forward, stretching out her forelegs and kicking her hindlegs. Her muscles quaked from shoulders to hips as she indulged herself in a full body stretch that would make most cats envious. Shaking her head wearily she pulled back her covers. Her hooves rested on the soft, inviting cushions, but before she could finish her jump, her thoughts were interrupted by a terrible growl.
“CRRRYYYSSSTAAALLLL!”
Twilight froze, her ears perking up. Had she really heard … him?
“CRRRYYYYSSSTAAAALLL!”
Spike was still asleep, but that was definitely the snarl which had hounded her in the frozen north, and it was coming from her bathroom.
Twilight trotted slowly into the bathroom, to see a shapeless, formless shape forming above her toilet. Atop the spectral mass rested the snarling visage of King Sombra. His red horn throbbed rudely in the unilluminated room. Twilight’s horn glimmered purple as she prepared to defend herself.
“SSSSSLLLLLLAAAA-augh-ach-ah-ah-augh,” the specter coughed, “Ahem, sorry about that. I’ve been trying to clear my throat for the past 1000 years. All this smoke, you see.”
Taken aback, the lavender Unicorn only stared.
“Ahem, I mean you no harm, Ms …” His voice trailed off.
“Sparkle. Twilight Sparkle. I read a lot of books,” Twilight said, finishing her entire life story.
“Ok, Ms. Sparkle. Would you mind not, um,” the figure cocked his head, “what are you preparing to do?”
“Nothing, I’m just making my horn glow. It looks like I’m doing something, though, doesn’t it? Good way to make ponies nervous.”
“Well, it is working quite fabulously on me. Would you mind stopping? I have come to bring you an important warning.”
“About what?” Twilight asked, lowering her magic but keeping her combative posture.
“You have made a grave mistake by aligning yourself and your friends with the ponies of the Crystal Empire.”
“Oh, you mean by kicking your butt?” Twilight asked. Perhaps a bit cocky, but she was currently rolling four for zero, so it was well justified.
“Yes, by kicking my butt, you have made a great error. For the sake of you and your friends, I must warn you,” the spectre paused a moment, “have you got anything else going on right now?”
“I was about to go to bed.”
“Good, good, then you have time for a flashback. My tale of woe started when I was a young Unicorn, much like yourself …”
In the Distant Past
I had never seen my mentor, Princess Celestia, look so stern as when we met that day. Before, our meetings had been joyful even in the face imminent destruction, but now she looked as if somepony had farted in the middle of her grandmother’s funeral. When she spoke, her voice had traded its familiar qualities for ominous intonation, “Sombrero-”
“Sombra,” I interrupted, then winced a little at my boldness.
“What?”
“My name is Sombra.”
“Yes, yes,” Celestia waved her hoof in frustration, “I know, Sorbet-”
”That is very true, Celestia often does mess up my name for comedic effect.”
“Regardless of whether you’re being sarcastic, did that comment have anything to do with anything?”
“No, I just felt the need to inject an interjection to prevent inordinate reflection.”
“Please stop.”
“Yes, I know, Sorbet. The Crystal Empire has returned.”
“Chrystalis, the infamous King of the Changelings has returned?” My mouth fell open in horror and I nearly shat my fabulous fur cloak, “but I thought my sister cast him and his legions out?”
“No, the return of Chrystalis is being saved for another episode. I am speaking of the Crystal Empire, a land far to the north.”
“I’ve never read about that, mostly because I hate reading and also most history books just say, ‘why don’t you ask the immortal demigod who lives next door?’ I’m sorry for my ignorance.”
In reply, Celestia levitated a crystal-
”I think I know how this part goes.”
“But I was gonna talk about how her eyes turned green as green fire and started oozing purple-”
“Can you just skip to the part where, even though you enslaved an entire kingdom, tried to kill me and my friends, and stole a priceless artifact, you aren’t inherently evil, please? I do have other things to do with my life.”
“Fine.”
I ventured far to the north on the Friendship Express, which is a wonderful product without which nopony’s home is complete. The tracks ended abruptly at an abandoned station covered with snow. There was nothing there except a 7-11.
I was greeted by two ponies from the Crystal Dimension. The first thing I noticed, was that they were wearing scarves, but had made no effort to keep the cold from the rest of their bodies. Obviously, they lacked my superior intelligence in wearing an enormous red cloak. The second thing I noticed was that their coats were dull.
The first pony pulled off his scarf, revealing a dull grey mane and faded brown coat. He introduced himself with a quiet whisper, the words fading into one another in a slow moan of despair. “My name is Dazzle Shine Glimmer Muriel Mutual Elation Knife Edge Joy Happiness Hemkova Apogee Eerie Eyes Slybright Dancer Remiel Lucifer Sparkler-”
“It’s nice to-” I began in response, but it seemed the pony had only stopped to breathe.
“Glitterdust Free Trust Transparency Illuminati Never Naughty Night Light. But you can call me Dazzle. Shine. Glimmer Muriel Elation Hemkova Apogee Eye Bright Trust Transparency Illuminati Never Naughty Night Light, for short.”
“How about just Dazzle?” I replied, seizing on the only part of the name I could remember.
He raised an eyebrow. “That seems a little informal.”
“What about Fucking Idiot, then?”
“Dazzle works,” he acquiesced and gestured to the pony beside him, “this is my sister, Windex Smears.”
Windex Smears attempted to wave, but gave up before her hoof was more than an inch off the ground.
As we wandered at random through the fierce northern blizzard, which is a perfectly safe thing to do, Dazzle and Windex Smears briefed me on the situation in the Crystal Empire.
They were being oppressed by a malevolent elephant, calling itself Tree Trunks. It seemed to have an exaggerated view of its sexual appeal, which was making the Crystal Ponies feel extremely uncomfortable. To make matters worse, it had stolen their very special rock and hidden it. Without this singular piece of licensed merchandise, the Crystal Ponies were unable to hold back the frigid winter.
The end of his story happily coincided with our arrival in the Crystal Empire. Casually stepping over a few ponies slumped in the gutter, we approached the Palace.
“Where did she hide the Crystal Heart?” I asked Dazzle.
“We don’t know, and we’ve searched everywhere that was in our own homes or on the ground right in front of us.”
“Did you try searching the palace?”
“The palace? That’s where she is,” he hissed, “we dare not go there.”
“What sort of weapons does she use?” The thought of facing an opponent who might put up a decent fight intrigued me. This trip might not be a huge waste of my incredibly sexy talents after all.
“She doesn’t have any weapons, not that we know of.”
“Then magic? Can she summon storms?” Perhaps she was the one driving the fury of the weather here.
“No.”
“A legion, perhaps of the undead?” As I asked, I could picture hundreds of Crystal Ponies surging against the entry of the palace, only to be repelled again and again by waves of tireless soldiers. Every loss only helped to swell the ranks of the vile Tree Trunks, until the Crystal Ponies had finally been forced to submit.
“No.”
“Well, how has she repelled your assaults so far?”
“She hasn’t. She just … she makes us really uncomfortable.”
“Uncomfortable?”
“Yes, she … she has no sense of personal boundaries!” Dazzle wailed, “the last pony who encountered her was smooched. Twice. And she kept saying things about … sweeties and cuties.”
Dazzle and Windex fell into one anothers hooves, sobbing at the thought.
I waited patiently for them to burst out laughing and reveal that, yes, this was all a big prank. Yes, this elephant was a vile tyrant with a legion of zombies at her command, she wielded a flaming sword the size of a pony, and commanded forbidden magics with ease.
I waited a long time. Crystal Ponies are very good at crying. Also their noses run a lot. It is pretty disgusting.
After no change in their attitude was forthcoming, I ventured alone into the palace in search of the Crystal Heart. Well, actually searched is the wrong word, because I tripped over the damn thing a few minutes after entering the Palace. The elephant had hidden it under a rug.
Cursing to myself, I levitated the Heart and returned to the entry of the palace where a crystal podium awaited.
“Fear not, small equines, for I have recovered the dingus,” I declared striding out before the Crystal Ponies.
“You’re our hero!” Window Smear shouted, throwing herself at my hooves.
As the Crystal Heart was again illuminated with love and hope and also light, the Crystal Ponies gathered before me. They cheered my glory while I smiled back at them.
“I know, I’m pretty great, aren’t I?” was all I needed to say.
”Wait, what happened to the elephant?”
“Her? I don’t know. She got punched by a dog or something and disappeared. Look, who’s telling their tragic backstory here?”
“I just wanted a satisfactory resolution with character development and rising action. If I wanted a list of plot points, I could have looked up a summary just as easily as you did. Also, why are you wearing a monocle all of the sudden?”
“Because I’m being civilized and polite, now quit bickering.”
Triumphant, I returned to my home. Weeks passed, and I settled back into my old life. Shining my metal chestplate, combing my mane and conducting slightly illegal experiments with smoke bombs. Then, in the middle of the night I was interrupted.
“Somberto!” shouted a voice outside my window.
“My name is Sombra,” I replied, peeking out to see Dazzle standing in the street. His coat was, once more, dull.
“Sombeezy!” He shouted, “there is a crisis in the Crystal Empire! The immortal master magician Mister Magic has returned from his 1000 year tour of Equestria and seized control of the Crystal Heart.”
Once more, I arrived in the still freezing North on the Friendship Express (have you bought it yet?). At the base of the palace, I found a purple Unicorn in a top hat and cape. He stood before the podium the Crystal Heart once sat on, cackling madly and twirling his mustache.
The Crystal Ponies were, once more, sprawled out in their streets. They moaned in terror and fear, completely powerless before the nuisance in their midst.
The podium on which the Crystal Heart would sit was covered in a massive monogrammed handkerchief. At my approach, Mister Magic squared himself, preparing for a fight.
His horn glowed with black light, like the UV lamp in a teenager’s bedroom, and his top hat lifted into the air before him. With a surge of magic he pulled a rabbit from his hat and dropped it to the ground before him.
When nothing else was forthcoming, I stepped over the rabbit and pushed past the Unicorn. With my teeth, I pulled the handkerchief aside to reveal the Crystal Heart, still sitting in the same place it always had.
“Isn’t the object you cover supposed to disappear? I thought that is how this trick was supposed to work?” I asked turning to Mister Magic.
“No. Well, yes. Well, I, you just don’t understand my craft!” Mister Magic howled and vanished in a puff of smoke.
Once more, the night skies were resplendent with glowing lines, and once more I was heralded as a hero. Once more, it was well deserved, because I’m awesome like that.
This time, my return to Canterlot was only three days long before I was interrupted by Dazzle again. The Crystal Empire was being dominated by a force more enigmatic and peculiar than ever before.
This time, there was no cut-rate villain awaiting me at the Palace. The Heart was still in place. Everything should have been going swimmingly, and yet the ponies were as dark as the skies above them. It was night. I probably should have mentioned that before making the simile.
Desperately searching for the cause of their distress, I discovered that, though the Crystal Ponies almost never wore clothes, they still had to do laundry every ten years. Whenever this time came to pass, they became paralyzed by ennui. Unable to complete this simple chore, and unable to move beyond it, they wandered the streets sunken in apathy.
I press-ganged Windex Smear into assisting me with the task of brightening the Crystal Ponies by brightening their fabrics. While we worked, I interrogated Windex Smear about the nature of the Empire. She barely spoke when her brother was present, but it took little to get her to open up when she was alone.
She told me the dreadful tale of the Crystal Empire, eternally besieged by some threat or another. They were continually being protected by foreign ponies, and it was then I realized the cause of their lethargy. They had grown so used to being rescued from insurmountable odds, that they had learned to classify any problem as incurable. Toiling away on the laundry, I worked out the details for a spell that could solve all their problems.
With fabrics softened and pressed, the Crystal Ponies regained their national connection and once more illuminated the Heart. Using that national connection, I cast my spell, and in the blink of an eye the minds of the Crystal Ponies were wiped completely clear.
Content that they would now learn independence, I left.
”Wait, you just wiped their minds and walked away?”
“Yes …?”
“That doesn’t seem irresponsible to you?”
“No.”
Content that I had done the right thing and had not at all been irresponsible, I returned to my experiments. For a time, all was well. The skies glowed with Northern Lights, even though that got kind of boring after a week or so of it happening non-stop everywhere, and I was at peace.
All was well, until I was once more interrupted by Dazzle shouting at my window in the middle of the night.
“The eternal Dr. Eternal has returned!”
My bitter fuming was temporarily assuaged by a ride north on the the Friendship Express, which is a marvelous piece of Equestrian engineering and the highlight of every foal’s life.
This time, surprisingly, Dr. Eternal had made some effort to secure the Palace. A barrier of yellow tape with the words, “Do Not Cross,” had been stretched across the entrance. This time, I physically dragged Dazzle and Windex Smear behind me into the Palace, hoping to teach them by example what they weren’t brilliant enough to figure out on their own.
After a few moments looking through the Palace, I began to suspect that this Dr. Eternal might finally be the real deal. The Heart wasn’t still on the podium, nor was it laying on the floor somewhere. I began to fear that, perhaps, Dazzle and Windex Smear were right about this one. What if I had just dragged these two feeble creatures into a titanic battle between my sexy self and this Dr. Eternal? I had no fear for myself, of course, or for my ability to protect the lives of two ponies. But what if, after witnessing the dazzling display of my dynamic abilities, they were so overcome with awe that they refused to leave my side? I have been known to have that effect on ponies, after all.
However, it took less than an hour to realize that I had severely misplaced my fears when we found the Crystal Heart in the bottom of a dirty clothes hamper.
Dazzle was, as usual, dumbfounded. “How did you know it was hidden there?”
“Well, did you see that sign on the hamper saying, ‘Crystal Heart not located here. Don’t bother looking inside. For real, it is totally boring’?” I asked as the three of us walked back down a flight of stairs and toward the exit of the Palace.
“Of course!”
“And did you see how it was signed, Dr. Eternal?”
“Yes,” Dazzle nodded his head eagerly.
“And remember how he’s the one who stole the Crystal Heart?”
“Yes,” replied my companion, completely failing to connect the dots.
“Nevermind,” I said, “I’m just a genius who will solve all your problems for you so you don’t ever have to try on your own.”
“I knew it!” Dazzle and his sister cried in unison as we passed out a simple wooden doorway and into the auditorium where the Crystal Heart would be displayed for about a week, until it was stolen again.
I paused in my walk of glory and turned to the two ponies accompanying me. Even with their memories erased, they were still the same feeble sheep they’d always been. The rest of them, even worse, were only just now starting to walk again. Gradually they would assemble before me in joy as I restored their glory.
I may have acted a bit rashly at this point. Instead of returning the heart to its pedestal, I placed it on top of the stairs we had just descended.
“Wait, what are you doing?”
“Why did he steal our Crystal Heart?”
“What’s happening? I can’t tell who’s talking!”
The Crystal Ponies cried in confusion, and I turned to them in a fury.
“SLAVES!” I screamed, “You’re all slaves to your own softness. You have bound yourselves with chains of willful inactivity, and now you expect to use those chains to bind me! You would have the entire world turn for the selfish benefit of the Crystal Empire!”
“He’s going to enslave us!”
“I will do nothing of the sort. I will set you fools free of your weakness. If you want the Crystal Heart so much, climb the staircase and get it.”
Dazzle stepped forward, and my heart swelled with hope. Maybe he could do it, maybe it wasn’t all for nothing, but he stopped at the doorway. Gaping, he gazed through the portal.
“They’re so high,” he whispered.
“You just climbed down them with me, go back up and get the Heart,” I prodded, feeling my voice slide into a deep growl.
“But, it’s so … high. I’ll never make it alone.”
“Then take Windex Smear with you,” I said as I nudged his sister to stand beside him. They both remained transfixed before the door. Their eyes slowly shifted, tinging with a strange green. A green I would come to know later, come to recognize in the mirror.
“I can’t go alone.”
“And neither can I.”
“You won’t be going alone if you go together,” I tried to explain, but the two ponies were being taken by panic. The panic soon spread and the assembled Crystal Ponies began to scatter. With a growl of frustration, I did the first thing I could think of to keep them together.
They stared down in mute horror at the shackles now binding their legs.
“You need to stick together rather than scattering. How can you claim to know love when you scatter like frightened insects? How can you call it hope when all it takes is a minor setback to break your spirits? What good is a light that goes out at the first sign of darkness?”
The ponies didn’t answer my question, only continued pulling at their chains. I turned, seeking Dazzle and Windex Smear for support, but they were gone. The entire nation was nothing but a roiling mass of unwillingly bonded creatures. It was then, I made my final mistake.
I gave up.
“Fine! I’ll get your freaking heart for you,” I muttered and strode through the door. There was a smell that I should have remembered from my smoke bomb experiments, but I neglected the odor.
“He’s going to steal the Crystal Heart!” cried one of the ponies in the crowd.
“He already stole it, though.”
“He’s going to steal it even more!”
“It’ll be the most stolen its ever been!”
I tried to push their voices out of my head as I set my hoof on the first step. I could feel it now, the condensed weight of their despair. It wore on my shoulders as I struggled to climb the single story to the single stone.
Clop, my hoof struck the third step. It sounded less substantial, stranger. Strange wisps of something twirled at the corners of my vision.
Clunk, the eighth step, I looked up and saw that I had barely began my ascent. The stairs stretched on and on, higher. And … were they starting to twist?
The wails of the suffering ponies below me pushed me, and I struggled further.
“He’ll take the Crystal Heart away!”
“We’ll never know happiness again!”
It must have been an hour or maybe a day, but every step forward only pushed the Heart farther away. I could taste the smoke swirling around me now. I coughed violently, my lungs scarring like a cheap paint job.
I stopped to rest on a landing. It had been a single flight when I’d started this passage. I turned and found myself on a balcony. Several stories beneath me, the Crystal Ponies were still chained into a single line, plodding aimlessly.
It was only too late that I realized why Mister Magic, Dr. Eternal, and all the others kept returning. Kept failing. It was the true power of the Crystal Ponies, to project their own weaknesses and fears outward. This kingdom, these people, they were a weapon.
I stood on the balcony, and it was then that the sun was eclipsed. I looked up to see two dark shadows, my former mentor and her sister, descending upon me.
It was only too late that I discovered my final lesson: Some ponies just can’t be helped, and you’re better off letting them suffer from themselves.
Twilight shook her head as the speech ended, “I don’t understand.”
“You don’t have to understand, yet, because I’m not finished. Now, where was I, oh yes, the exciting story of the 1000 years I spent as an insubstantial mist trapped in a very small crevasse-”
At that moment, there was a knock on Twilight’s door. The Unicorn had no idea who would be calling at this hour, but anything would be better than listening to more ravings from the ancient royal in her bathroom.
When she opened the door, however, her heart sank. The skies beyond were no longer illuminated by the twisting brilliance of the Crystal Pony’s love, and before her stood a very weary and dim looking pony.
“Twilight, our savior, we are oppressed by the dreaded King Sober.”
“Somber? No, he’s been defeated,” and also he’s in my toilet, she added to herself.
“Not Somber, sober. We’re out of beer, could you stop by the 7-11 at train station and pick a case up for us?”
“The 7-11 you walked by to get on the Friendship Express, the children’s toy for grownups, and travel hundreds of miles to come here?”
“Well, yes, but I forgot my ID in my other pants.”
“You’re not wearing pants.”
“I forgot both pairs of pants, one of which might have my ID, also we’ve got no money,” the Crystal Pony’s eyes bugged as he leaned forward, adding an obnoxious, “Please?”
Twilight was dumbfounded. That egotistical weirdo floating above her toilet had been right. She was doomed. Then she smiled as she remembered that she had an out.
“Oooh, Spike,” she called upstairs, “there’s a visitor requesting the savior of the Crystal Empire!”
