Exceptional

Chapters

Arrival
Probes and Premonitions
The Chase
The Divination Dilemma
The Mare who cried Wolf
Diplomacy at Gunpoint
Tea Time, Mayonnaise, and Thoughts of Bloodshed

Arrival

The gentle hum of the sub-light engines was the only sound that broke the otherwise total silence in the darkened room. That was, until the tranquil quiet was shattered by the alarm clock on the bedside table lighting up and playing a rather distorted and loud rendition of the star wars anthem. A loud groan was emitted by the room's only occupant, who rolled over in bed and checked the time.

9:04 AM

The man groaned again. 'The admiral's gonna have my ass' he thought miserably to himself. Thankfully, not being military personnel meant he could have a clock that didn't run on military time. Frankly he could have adjusted to the official timeframe in the past eighteen months, but now he only hadn't because it irked the enlisted men to no end. He sat up in bed, only to hit his head on a low-hanging support frame. 'Why in Lucifer's name did they have to outsource the ship's construction contract to the chinese?' he mentally cursed for the several billionth time. Rubbing his forehead and cursing under his breath, the man reached over and turned off the alarm. Most people would call him weird for making his alarm the theme from a nearly six hundred year old movie franchise, but he told himself they simply didn't appreciate the classics. Besides, it's not like there wasn't enough stuff weird about him already.

He slowly got out of bed, stretching his sore muscles. He flipped on the light next to him and took in the rather spartan decor. The walls were bare metal, no wallpaper or ornamentation. Besides the single bed and nightstand, there was a military grade footlocker at the base of the bed, a small chest of drawers in the corner, and a metal desk and office chair to the right of the bed. A door to the left led into a closet that they had so flatteringly dubbed a 'washroom'. All the furniture save the footlocker looked like it had been bought out of the Ikea discount catalogue and assembled by blind dwarves with no fingers. Needless to say this was one of the 'V.I.P.' rooms.

The man began to go about his morning routine, something that had been drilled into him over the past year and a half. After a quick shower, he went over to the sink to brush his teeth. The person that stared back at him from the mirror was a young caucasian male, about six foot five, with a trim, somewhat athletic build. It always surprised him how well in shape he was despite his rather sedentary lifestyle. He had straight, shoulder length hair and a well trimmed beard. Despite being in his mid twenties, his hair was a stark white, which when combined with his pale skin and strange eyes, it gave him a somewhat unnatural look.

'Oh how accurate that is....'

Ah yes, his eyes. They were a pale, sickly, yellowish colour, with pupils a bit too small and irises a bit too big. Even though he'd had them since birth he had never quite gotten used to seeing them in the mirror. They were....well.....creepy. Since everyone else found them just as unnerving, that was one of the few things he could put on the relatively short list of things about him that were normal.

His inner musing were interrupted by a beeping sound from the room proper.

“Doctor Ackerman, you're wanted on the bridge” came a cold, female voice over the ship's intercom.

“And a lovely morning to you too, Jessica” the man said in a voice thick with sarcasm.

“Just get your ass up here, Phil. The admiral's riding my ass like his prize pony.”

“Really? You didn't seem to mind it so much when I did it” he teased, knowing full well the reaction it'd have.

“Just shut up and get up here. And if you mention that again in front of anyone, I swear to god I'll use your nuts as a puck for the next fleet hockey championship” she hissed back, her voice dripping with venom. Phil knew it was more then an idle threat.

Returning to his room, he opened the drawers and got dressed. He put on his favourite blue blazer and slacks, a white dress shirt, and his lucky red and white striped tie. After grabbing a data pad from his desk, Phil headed out into the hallway. Bright, white lights shone down upon a bare metal corridor, lined with doors to the other V.I.P. Rooms, one of which was the admiral's, another the first mate's, the rest being empty. A few crewmen were going about their business, but they quickly scurried out of his way when they saw the doctor coming. Entering the lift, he punched in 'Deck 1' on the panel. After about five seconds of movement the lift stopped, and the computer said in a generic female voice “Now arriving on Deck 1: Bridge”

'Ah, the beauty of living on Deck 2....'

The doors opened onto a cavernous, square room. The floor was lowered in a sort of U shape around a central walkway. Banks of computer consoles lined every wall on the lowered floor, with dozens of crewmen buzzing around like workers in an ant hill. Higher up, three out of the four walls were taken up by what was essentially a giant window, looking out into the vast expanse of space. In the centre of the room on a raised dais were three chairs, two of which were in front of more consoles and were flanking the third chair in the middle. It was one of those big, fancy, spinny chairs with buttons on the arm rests like you would see in old 21st century sci-fi shows. And sitting in the big, spinny chair was a short, balding, and very irate man in his mid sixties who Phil recognized as the Admiral. On his right was his first mate, Captain Bert Statin, a decorated military officer whose bald head was a variegated tapestry of scar tissue, his expression unreadable, and to his left was none other then Major Jessica Oliver, a young woman of about Phil's age, with shoulder length auburn hair and a slim frame, who shared the Admiral's annoyed demeanour. Noticing the newcomer, the admiral spun around, his glare only intensifying at the sight of the doctor.

“Ah, and at last the good doctor graces us with his presence” he said, his gravely voice doing little to dispel the ungodly amount of sarcasm in those words.

“As always, I am fashionably late” responded Phil, not even the slightest bit irked at the admiral's tone. “Now what did I miss, something about hockey and ponies?” Jessica's frown increased a hundredfold, while Captain Statin's scarred lip curled upwards ever so slightly, but otherwise his expression remained stoic.

“Major, if you could fill in the good doctor”

“Of course, Admiral” the Major responded rather reluctantly. “I would like to point out that if Dr. Ackerman arrived on time, I wouldn't need to repeat myself. Furthermore,-”

“Your opinion is noted, Major. Now please, continue” the admiral ground out, sounding almost bored. He probably was. Frankly it was getting old. The intense animosity between the doctor and the ship's information officer was a favourite topic of gossip among the crew, and had even started circulating amongst the other ships in the fleet. One of Jessica's most hated rumours (and therefore one of Phil's favourites) was that they had previously been engaged in an amorous relationship, which meant she got quite a few sideways glances from the crew due to the doctor's......condition. Of course Phil was smart enough to neither confirm nor deny the rumours, but had let slip once that both she and him had been in the 'Orbital Bone Zone', as he had put it. She had nearly thrown him out the airlock before Captain Statin calmed her down.

“Anyways” she said through gritted teeth. “As you know, we entered the system dubbed 'Solaris', coined for it's oddly erratic solar orbit, roughly seven earth hours ago- wait where'd you get that coffee?”

Phil looked up from the inexplicably acquired coffee mug, which had emblazoned on it 'Universe's #1 Dad', with a confused expression. “Oh! You mean this coffee! Yeah I borrowed it off of some guy.....some guy named Gabbo...something....anyways, continue.”

“What do you mean you borrowed-”

“Doctor! Major! Focus!”

“O-of course admiral, sorry. It won't happen again.” Jessica took a second to compose herself. “As I was saying, out of the five planetoids in the system, two are inhabitable. The first is a cold, desert world with a barely breathable atmosphere and no water deposits, but an extremely high amount of mineral deposits. The second has a breathable, oxygen atmosphere, Earth-like gravity, and 70% of it's surface is covered by water-”

“Then send a mining ship to the rocky one and a colony ship to the Earth-y one. I don't see why you needed to drag me up here.....” Phil said sounding rather annoyed, before taking another sip of his stolen coffee.

“It's inhabited.”

Phil nearly choked on his coffee at that. Sputtering, it took him a second before he could gasp out “WHAT!?!?!”

“The planet's inhabited” she repeated.

He looked momentarily confused. After a second he said “Which one, the rocky one or the Earth-y one?”

“Which one do you think” she deadpanned.

“Oh, right.”

The admiral cleared his throat. “Well, doctor, as the Exploration Fleet's Anthropological and Behavioural Analyst, as well as our Extraterrestrial Relations Liaison, what is your suggested course of action?”

“And you said we didn't need one of those...” muttered Captain Statin, who the admiral silenced with a glare.

“Well......” the doctor took on a thoughtful expression. “What do we know about them?”

“Absolutely nothing” was the Major's response.

“Then how do we know they're there?”

“We can see extensive urban areas on the planet surface, and we've picked up a few scattered radio signals. They also don't seem to have any artificial satellites, so their technology level is probably pretty far behind ours.”

“Hhhmmm.....” Phil tapped his mug a few times in thought. “Send down a few probes to learn as much about them as we can. Try and learn about their culture, values, and beliefs. Determine whether they think like us or not, and whether they're a threat. If they're too alien for us to relate too on any meaningful level, we'll have to think of something other then just opening up relations. And remember, Stealth and subtlety should be key factors here. We don't want to freak them out and cause mass panic. We shouldn't reveal our presence until we're sure that the shit won't hit the fan. After that, we'll take it from there. Sound like a plan?”

The admiral smiled, a rare sight. “For once, doctor, someone on this tub has what seems like a good idea. Congratulations.”

“I'll make sure I don't get used to it, sir” he responded with a smile. Jessica was fuming over how much cheek he was giving the admiral, but both of them just ignored her.

“Alright then. Helmsman, take us in closer to Solaris III, but make sure we can't be spotted. Major Oliver, send the news down the grape vine, and get the probes ready to launch. Also I need to speak with the captains of the mining ships on diverting them to Solaris IV. Doctor, get over to sensor control, I want you to be the first to get a look at these things, and whether or not they have tentacles” the admiral shuddered involuntarily, but everyone either didn't notice or were polite enough to hide it. “Captain Statin, accompany Dr. Ackerman and make sure he has a tactical and strategic viewpoint should these things be a threat. Alright people, daylights burning! We've got rocks to drill and aliens to spy on, move it!”

“Yes sir!” chorused the bridge crew before scurrying to their assigned tasks, save for Dr. Ackerman who simply nodded before leisurely walking to the steps that lead down to the lower command deck. Turning on his chair, the admiral looked out into space, at the approaching form of Solaris III, it's similarity to earth sending a strange chill down his spine. It wasn't fear, no, it was determination, and perhaps even curiosity.

“Alright you alien goo-bags” he whispered to himself “What're you hiding.....”

*********

“Spike, what're you hiding?”

“Gah! U-uh, h-hey Twilight! J-just doin' my chores, hehe. I'm not hiding anything!” the little dragon laughed nervously, while obviously hiding something behind his back.

“You should have finished your chores hours ago” the purple alicorn said skeptically. He was sweating profusely and with every step she took forward he'd take one back.

“Spiiiiiike.....” Twilight tried to get a look at what he was hiding, but every time she tried he would turn so she was still looking at him straight on. After about a minute of this awkward dance, the purple alicorn sighed. “Fine, keep your secrets” she said as she turned and walked away. Spike let out the breath he had been holding.

“But....” she said, turning around. “You're forgetting one thing.”

“Oh yeah, what's that?” She didn't respond, but instead instantly disappeared in a flash of light. Confused, Spike looked around, only for Twilight to reappear behind him and telekinetically yank the object from his grasp.

“I can do that” she said smugly, finally getting a look at what he was hiding. “Oh it's just a magazine- wait, 'Tales from the Dark Tapestry – Issue #17: H.F. Passioncraft vs. The Cthulhoids'” she read aloud from the cover of what she now knew to be a comic book, which displayed a lanky unicorn stallion in a suit and tie battling with some tentacled horror in the vastness of space. Turning it over, she read from the back. “'Behold! The horrors of space! Delve into frightening true stories of encounters with maddening creatures from the Dark Tapestry, the black emptiness between the stars, where the laws of our reality are but a distant memory. Watch as heroes battle monsters from a madpony's nightmares, or succumb to insanity themselves-' Uggh! Spike how can you read this trite?! I thought I raised you better then that!”

“But Twilight, it's all true! And it's totally awesome! In this one part, the Cthulhoids try and suck out Passioncraft's brain with a bendy straw! But then he totally-”

“Spike! Not only is that not awesome, it is most definitely not true! First of all, the real H.F. Passioncraft was just a writer, and a very disturbed stallion at that. I admit I enjoyed his stories, disturbing that they may be, but he was the first to admit they were one hundred percent not real. What they've done is take a classic of cosmic horror and reduced it to....this. Passioncraft would be spinning in his grave! ......Well, for that and the fact that we now have pegasi and earth pony members of Parliament, but that's neither here nor there.”

“Furthermore” she lectured, continuing with her tirade. “The Dark Tapestry, the so-called 'emptiness between the stars', is exactly that, emptiness. As in, an absence of everything. There's no Cthulhoids or Yothians or Inter-dimensional Crawlers, and even though archaeologists have discovered fragmentary evidence that a race of intelligent, bipedal serpent creatures did exist at one point, they are long since extinct and certainly didn't bargain with eldritch creatures from beyond the realms of conventional sanity.”

“Oh come on Twilight! If the universe is as big as you say it is, then there's gotta be aliens out there somewhere!” the dragon responded with a huff, smoke trailing from his nostrils.

“Maybe there are, but they certainly don't come from the Dark Tapestry. And even if there is a race of intelligent creatures out there powerful or advanced enough to traverse the void of space, why in Tartarus would they want to come here! They'd take one look at our backwards world and run back to whatever nebula they crawled out of. Seriously Spike, you can't believe everything you read.” Twilight rolled up the comic book and levitated it over to the waste basket. “Now go get ready for bed, it's getting late.”

“Geez, way to suck the fun out of everything, Twi” Spike mumbled as he headed for the bathroom, shoulders slumped. When she was sure he was gone, she glanced around to make sure nopony was looking, despite knowing they had been completely alone (a habit she'd developed out of sheer paranoia). Seeing that the coast was clear, she levitated the comic book back out and quickly hid it underneath her pillow.

'I just want to see how badly it compares to the original' she convinced herself. As she waited for Spike to finish up in the bathroom, Twilight walked over to the balcony. The cool, night air was just cold enough to be refreshing. Taking a deep breath, she looked up at the sea of stars before her. She'd always loved the night sky, and now thanks to Luna's return she had someone to thank for it. 'Wow, the princess really out did herself this time.....wait, what's that?' She gazed up quizzically at a cluster of stars she didn't recognize, a few of them flickering oddly. 'I don't remember that being there' just as suddenly as they'd appeared, the strange, flickering stars vanished. All of a sudden, Twilight got the feeling of being watched, but it too, passed quickly. Before she had time to ponder it further, she heard Spike call her name, indicating the bathroom was free. Shrugging, she headed back inside.

'It can wait till morning'

Probes and Premonitions

Twilight's dreams were troubled that night. She dreamt of a cold emptiness and an endless buzzing sound, of hairless monsters that walked horrifically upright and devoured cooked flesh in grisly feasts, of being tied to a frigid, metal table and being probed by things that looked suspiciously like metallic hot dogs, but most of all she dreamt of eyes. Sickly, yellow eyes that belonged to no creature she knew. Eyes that were cold and alien, yet filled with something she couldn't quite put her hoof on......

She heard a voice. “Twilight! Twilight! Wake up!” She felt their claws grasping her and shaking, and she awoke from the dream screaming.

“Whoa Twi! What's the matter? Is everything alright?”

“Uh...wha...huh?” she looked around confused, her mind still reeling from the nightmare. She was in her bed, covered in sweat. Spike was standing over her with a worried expression. The sun had barely risen outside, meaning it was still very early. “Huh...S-spike, what happened?”

“You were thrashing and moaning so load you woke me up. Were you having a bad dream?”

“Huh.....oh! Yeah, j-just a dream, just a..... bad dream” she sounded more like she was reassuring herself then him, but he just passed it off. She was still shaking slightly, and Spike's heart wrenched seeing his surrogate mother/sister in such a state.

“It's ok Twi, it was just a dream, dreams can't hurt you. It was all a dream....” he stroked her mane soothingly, trying to get her to calm down. Just as her shaking started to cease, he noticed something under her pillow, recognizing it instantly. “...A dream inspired by hypocrisy!!”

“What?” she said, looking more confused then frightened now. He grabbed the comic book from under her pillow and pointed it at her like it was damning evidence.

“How do you explain this, huh?”

“Well, u-um....I-I...er...thought you wouldn't notice....” she smiled sheepishly, her fright from earlier nearly forgotten. “I-I was just seeing how badly it compared to the original!”

“Yeah, right. Twilight I am shocked, shocked and appalled that you would try to deceive me like this!”

“At least you've been taking those vocabulary lessons seriously” she deadpanned.

“Oh! You noticed! Do you think it will impress Rarity?” his anger nearly vanishing at the thought of his crush. “Hey! Wait a minute! Don't try to distract me!”

“I wasn't distracting anypony! Why would I need to do that when I can simply order you to go make us breakfast.”

“I- wait, what?” he responded, slightly confused with a feeling of dread coming over him.

“That's right, I am your legal guardian, and a member of this nation's royalty, and you have to do as I say. Now go downstairs and start breakfast or no gems for a month!”

“But-!”

“Go!” she shouted, pointing a hoof at the door. Grumbling curses under his breath, several of which he shouldn't have known at his age, Spike waddled downstairs, as he walked by scrunching up the comic book and throwing it to the side. Twilight hated pulling that card, but right now she was in no mood for his shenanigans. She still couldn't shake the memories from her dream, and how they'd chilled her to the bone. 'You just stayed up too late reading that crappy comic book, that's all, nothing more.' Her attempts at reassuring herself weren't that effective. Nowhere in the book had their been those strange, bipedal ape creatures, or those sickening yellow eyes. Recalling how Spike rolled up the book, she remembered his claws, and their similarity to the ones on those creatures. Then she looked down at her own hoof, and shuddered.

For the worst part of her dream wasn't the monsters themselves. It was that she dreamt that she was one.

*********

“Okay, let's get this show on the road!” Phil said as he strolled down the walkway, banks of computers lining each side.

“My thoughts exactly, doctor” chimed Captain Statin, walking just behind Phil. Walking up to a large console, Phil looked at the screen, and immediately scrunched his face in confusion.

“What the hell is this? What's with all the bubbling and churning? You call this sensor control?” Phil motioned to the screen, which displayed a series of liquid-filled tubes.

“Actually, doctor, that's the coffee machine” replied Statin, amusement evident in his voice.

“Oh......Well, I should remind you I don't spend a lot of time on the bridge” Phil said with a huff.

“Of course, doctor, no reminding is necessary” the smile never left the Captain's face. “By the way, would you like some coffee?”

“.........Yes.”

“Alright then.” Caffeinated beverage now in hand, Phil and Statin made their way to the real sensor control. It looked almost identical to the myriad other computer systems on the bridge. Sitting in front of it was a rather bored looking crewman reading a gossip magazine on his datapad.

“Hehe, oh no she did-en’t!” Statin calmly walked up behind him and cleared his throat. Crying out in alarm, the crewman scrambled from his seat and bid a hasty salute. “S-sir!” The crewman's face visibly paled when he saw Phil standing behind him, but otherwise held his position.

“At ease, ensign” Statin seemed obviously annoyed with the crewman's antics. “Name and rank.”

“Ensign Bobcat Wilson, sir!” the ensign was no longer saluting but was certainly not at ease. His eyes kept moving from staring straight ahead to nervously glancing at Phil.

“Oh enough of the scared shitless act, just let us get at the bloody console!” Phil could practically smell the fear emanating off the ensign, and it was really grating on his nerves. Shouldn't they have gotten used to him in the past eighteen months? At Phil's outburst, the poor bastard looked ready to shit his breeches, but Statin quickly calmed things down as usual.

“It's ok son, the admiral's ordered us to send a few probes down to Solaris III. The doc's here on official business, no need to be scared.” Phil had to hand it to the captain, his stoic demeanour, general level-headedness, and vaguely southern accent really helped take the edge off of tense situations. He was basically Phil's exact polar opposite. Though he didn't exactly like it when people talked about him as if he was something to be feared, especially to his face. What could he possibly do to deserve such trepidation? Rip the bastard in half and dance around on his entrails? Phil wouldn't be surprised if somebody had used that as an example, the lies those right-wing religious wackos cooked up about people like him ranged from completely untrue to downright ludicrous.

“O-of course sir! Right on it sir!” Wilson sat back down at the console and started initiating the pre-launch sequence. “Where should I send the first probe sir?!”

“Please, enough of the shouting, we're standing right here” Phil tried to sound as nice and diplomatic as possible, hoping to avoid actual breech-shitting. Unfortunately, diplomacy wasn't Phil's strong suit.

“O-of course s-! Er..I mean of course sirs” he finished in a much more acceptable level of volume.

“Thank you” Phil made what he hoped was the friendliest smile he could muster. To his immediate surprise and joy, the ensign actually smiled back. It was still a nervous smile, but it was genuine. “Alright, getting down to business. Scan the planet, try and pick out major urban centres.” Wilson did as the doctor said, and the scan finished a few moments later.

“The largest urban centre appears to be this one sir....the one on the side of a mountain?” the ensign seemed confused. “Who builds a city on the side of a mountain?”

“Obviously aliens do, son” was the Captain's neutral response.

“Should I send the probe to that one sir?”

After a moment of thought, Phil said “No. What's that smaller one, in the valley next to it?” Wilson zoomed in closer on it, it being barely eighth the size. It was some kind of farming community, and it was on the edge of a sizable forest. 'Perfect'. “Send the probe down into the forest, it'll cover the landing site.” Wilson looked to the captain for approval, who simply nodded.

“Yes sirs” he typed a few things into the console, and there was a loud, beeping sound.

'Launching Probe' came the computer's generic female voice.

“Alright then....” Phil could barely contain his excitement, they would be the first humans to gaze upon alien life. He wondered what they'd look like....

*********

The Everfree Forest was dark and gloomy as usual. The light of the sun barely broke through the thick foliage, casting the forest floor in shadow. Numerous forest creatures scurried just out of sight among the darkened boughs. Suddenly, the forest went silent. The only thing that could be heard was a loud, high-pitched whistling sound. A second later, with a sound like thunder cracking, a large shape burst through the canopy, slamming into the ground and digging itself into the mud. It was a long, smooth shaft, made from blackened metal, with a serial number written on it. A few moments later, the shaft split in two, steam erupting from it as it opened. Emerging from the mist was a small sphere, made from the same blackened metal. Atop its 'head' was a cluster of antenna, and in the centre of it's 'front' was a glowing red eye. Over the sound of it's repulsor lift engines, the orb began to scan it's surroundings, then with renewed purpose, headed towards the only settlement in range. With a strange buzzing noise, the probe's shape began to shimmer and distort, light refracting around it as it's stealth modulator kicked in. And then, it was gone.

Ponyville wouldn't know what hit it......

*********

“Alright Scootaloo! Yer up!”

“Ha! You ain't got a chance, Applebloom!” Scootaloo wrung her hooves around the bat (something that in a rational universe shouldn't have been possible), and narrowed her eyes at the figure atop the mound. Applebloom was serving as the pitcher, while Sweetiebelle was the Umpire.

“Ok, here. It. Comes!” Abblebloom hurled the ball with all her might. Scootaloo waited till the last second to swing, hitting the ball straight on and sending it hurtling into the distance. The ensuing excitement at the home run, followed by crushing disappointment after the 'flank check', was distracting enough that the trio failed to notice the ball seemingly bouncing off of thin air, before a slight shimmering of light and a few sparks could be seen......

*********

“Are those things playing baseball?!?!?” Phil could not hold back his astonishment. He was completely and utterly flabbergasted. When the probe had first drew near the settlement, he was expecting alien structures that bore no resemblance to Earth cultures, but was met instead with thatched-roof cottages that would look at home in a medieval village. His jaw had quite literally hit the floor when they caught sight of the town's inhabitants. 'Horses.....freakin', multi-coloured, *horses!** With wings! And horns! Dear god, it's like a children's cartoon!'* He nearly had had a heart attack when the one started speaking in near perfect english, and with a southern accent to boot! He was now certain Statin had slipped something into his coffee, but judging from the equally shocked faces of the two men standing next to him, he now suspected something was wrong with the air filtration system.

“It....would appear so.....” even the captain's trademark stoicism had been shattered by the sheer improbability of what they were witnessing.

“Hey, they're kinda cute!” was Wilson's astute observation.

“Remember, son, focus” before the ensign could respond with a 'yes sir', something impacted the probe, and it was sent spinning, a loud klaxon emanating from the console. “What in god's name was that?!” cried the captain, afraid they were under attack. When the probe regained it's balance, it spun around searching for hostiles, only to find none.

“I believe it might have been the baseball, captain....” Phil said rather dazed, his mind still attempting in vain to understand yet finding a sort of wry humour in the absurdness of the situation.

“Damages?” the Captain's years of training had kicked in, still treating the situation as if there was an immediate threat.

“Minimal, though I'll have to run a diagnostic to be certain. The probe should still be functional while it's finishing, though.”

“Well, continue onwards, good sir” despite the setback, Phil was still in high spirits, even if it was only due to him finally finding proof that he was, in fact, completely insane. The probe hovered into the town proper, taking pains to stay out of anyone's way, and avoiding all contact with the locals. It passed through what appeared to be a market square, with various stalls set up and merchants hawking their wares.

“Are those apples?” The captain pointed to a small cart, which was overflowing with the aforementioned fruit. Next to it was one of the horse creatures, an orange one, which, if their eyes weren't playing tricks on them, was wearing a stetson. The probe moved close enough to hear what it was saying.

'.....finest apples in all o' Equestria here! Nice an' juicy, straight from Sweet Apple Acres!'

“Hey, captain, it sounds like you!”

“Shut up ensign!”

“Curious, the flora and fauna look almost identical to earth equivalents. Their architecture is similar, and, beyond all logical sense, they speak english. If ever there was more concrete evidence of the existence of a higher power, this is it. And what did it call this place? Equestria? I hope to god not all their names are horse puns” Phil shuddered at the very thought. “Wait...what's that?” Phil pointed at what appeared to be a tree, but upon closer inspection, it had windows and doors built into it. “Is that a....tree-house?” Wilson snickered at Phil's choice of words, but he ignored it. Now wasn't the time. “Get us closer!” The ensign did as commanded, and the probe hovered closer. Phil noticed one of the second floor windows was open, and a thought struck him. “In there!”

“Doctor are you sure that's wise?” Captain Statin was starting to question Phil's sanity. Well, actually that wasn't true. Questioning Dr. Ackerman's sanity had evolved into a sort of pass time over the fleet's eighteen month journey. What they didn't know was that that game had started long before Phil's tenure on the ship had started, and in fact Phil was the reigning champion.

“Just do it. I know what I'm doing”

'Well, not really...'

Statin nodded to the ensign to do as the doctor said, and the probe moved into the aptly named 'tree-house'. On the interior of the second floor, there were several bookshelves, a fireplace, a bed, various pieces of furniture, the kind of stuff you'd see in some antiquarian's home. Phil had to admit it was rather pleasant. Suddenly the door opened, and one of the creatures walked in, a purple female that possessed both a horn and wings.

'Spike! Have you seen my copy of 'Alderbron's Almanac on all things Astronomical'?!' the creature called out to someone in another part of the house. There came a muffled response, but the probe's sensors couldn't pick it up. 'Aaarrggh!! I told you to put it back when you were done with it!!'

“Wait, what's it doing?” the creature's horn began to glow, emanating a magenta-hued light. The same glow began to encompass several nearby objects, which then started to lift off the ground.

“Holy fuck!!!” the ensign's exclamation snapped Phil out of his own mystified daze.

“Really, that's what surprises you? Not the fact that they speak english?” Before they could continue the argument, there came a familiar warbling sound through the probe's sensors, followed by a bleep from the console. The creature turned around and froze, face paling, eyes going wide, it's breathing hitched.

“Ummm......ensign. That was the sound of the stealth modulator failing, wasn't it?” Phil said slowly, not tearing his eyes away from the screen, and the look of sheer terror on the creature's face.

“U-uh.....d-diagnostic's done?”

'Spiiiiiike!!!!'

“Well, fuck.....”

The Chase

A/N: My apologies for the short chapter. I've been struggling with some writer's block recently. I decided to publish what I had, so as to whet your appetite, until the rest can be written and uploaded. To paraphrase Shigeru Miyamoto, "A late chapter will be good eventually, a bad chapter will be bad forever". I know that doesn't apply entirely, but it works in this instance.

Oh, and we can't have a chase scene without the obligatory chase scene music.

*********

Twilight was at a loss. She'd searched the entire house for it. Once again entering the second floor, she cried out to Spike.

“Spike! Have you seen my copy of 'Alderbron's Almanac on all things Astronomical?!” Twilight had hoped to distract herself from unpleasant memories by seeing if see could identify that strange cluster of stars she had seen the night earlier, but she couldn't find her textbook anywhere. It was odd that she couldn't even think of an answer off the top of her head, after all, she was quite the knowledgable amateur astronomer.

“I thought you had it!” came the dragon's muffled response from the kitchen.

“Aaarrggh!! I told you to put it back when you were done with it!!” Twilight levitated some objects out of her way, trying in vain to locate the errant textbook. All of a sudden, the fur on the back of her neck stood up, and she had the strangest sense of foreboding, as if someone was watching her. She tried to pass it off, but then she heard it. A strange, warbling sound, that kind of sounded similar to when an invisibility spell shorted out, only with more buzzing. She turned around, ready to confront whatever perverted unicorn colt had been snooping around her bedroom, but when she did she was confronted with a single menacing eye.

Floating there, at about head level, without any apparent means of lift what so ever, was some kind of.....orb. It was made of dark metal, and the only noticeable features it possessed were it's glowing red eye and some kind of antennae sticking out the top. Twilight couldn't help but feel fear, this thing was entirely outside her field of experience. Thinking back on it later, the only word she could use to describe it was....alien.

In a knee-jerk reaction, she yelled out for Spike, and the orb, probably realizing it had been spotted, quickly flew out her window. A sudden, chilling thought crept into Twilight's head. What if it was dangerous? She couldn't let it just roam around town. She dashed over to the window, determined to not let it get away. The orb was hovering down the street with surprising speed, ponies screaming and getting out of it's way as it passed. Summoning her magic, Twilight teleported down to street level, immediately flying off after the orb......

*********

“GO! GO! GO!” Both Phil and Statin were shouting at Wilson simultaneously.

“WHERE!”

“Uh,....” Phil hadn't thought of an escape plan. 'Shit'. Suddenly an idea struck him. “The forest!!! Get back to the forest!! We can shake off any pursuers in there!!”

“S-sir?” Wilson looked to the captain for support.

“Oh fuck, son!! Do whatever the fuck he says!!!”

“Uh, sirs...”

“WHAT!!!” the two men shouted, once again speaking in sync.

“It's following us!” Sure enough, the purple creature was hot on their metaphorical tail.

“How the hell did it get down so fast!!” Statin exclaimed, his calm stoicism a distant memory.

“Evasive maneuvers or whatever the fuck you jar heads call it!! Now!! Try to shake her!!”

“How do you know it's a she?” Wilson said confusedly, with way too much calm given the current situation.

“Does it FUCKING *MATTER?!?!***” Phil shouted at him, and this time he didn't care whether the ensign shat his pants or not. Chances at peaceful first contact only came around once. There were always new pants.

*********

Business had been booming for Applejack that day. As she sat there counting out the bits she'd earned so far, some....thing flew past her head, and she had to hold a hoof over her hat to stop it blowing away. “What in tarnation was that?!” Just as suddenly, Twilight flew by, answering her question while she was at it.

“I have no bucking idea! But we can't let it get away!” With surprising speed, Applejack locked up the bits box and placed a 'Back in 5 Minutes' sign on the cart, before galloping after her friend, and whatever strange object she was pursuing. The orb was ducking and weaving in an obvious attempt to shake pursuit, so Twilight figured it had to have some kind of intelligence behind it.

Quickly catching up to Twilight, Applejack called out to her “So what're we gonna do with it when we catch it?!” She nearly slammed into an ice cream cart before jumping over at the last second.

“I....don't know, but it could be dangerous! We have to stop it!” Twilight had to narrowly dodge a rather confused looking stallion watering his garden. When she saw a shadow moving above them, she feared there might be more of those things. Luckily her fears were put to rest.

“Hey! Are you guys racing?! Ok One two thr-!”

“Rainbow! Am I glad to see you!” Twilight tugged on the cyan coloured mare's tail with her magic to get her attention. “See that thing up there?” She managed to get out between breaths. The pegasus scrunched her face in thought, while simultaneously keeping up with her less athletic friends with ease.

“You mean that funny ball thing?” She motioned to the object that had just ducked under a passing carriage.

“Yeah! We need to catch it!”

“Why?”

“Does it matter?” Even Applejack was Beginning to get flushed with the pace the orb was setting.

“Alright I'm on it!” Rainbow Dash sped off after the fleeing object, her face set in determination......

*********

“Left! Left! No, Right! No Wait! U-turn!”

“U-turn?! Are you insane?!?!” Statin had long gone from questioning Phil's sanity to knowing his madness was fact.

“It'll confuse them!”

“It's confusing me!!”

“Exactly!”

“You are insane!!”

“What are you implying?!” Phil's expression had morphed from panic to seething anger.

“That you're fucking insane!!” Before Phil could say anything further, Wilson cut in with his calm, worldly wisdom.

“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SIRS!! HELP ME!!!”

*********

Rainbow had thought it would be easy catching the floating orb, she was the fastest flyer in Equestria after all. But what that thing lacked in speed, it sure as Tartarus made up for it in maneuverability, it apparently being able to spin on a dime as well as do other amazing tricks. She tried keeping pace with it but it was tiring even for her. It would duck under tables, weave through crowds, and at one point dived between some poor sap's legs. She even followed it through someone's open window and through their kitchen. That would be a breakfast Lyra and Bon Bon wouldn't soon forget.

The orb was fast approaching the edge of town, and the direction it was going in left no doubt that it was headed for the forest. In there, Rainbow's speed would be next to useless, while the orb's maneuverability would make it nigh uncatchable. Fate decided to intervene though, when Rainbow caught sight of the familiar shape that was Sugercube Corner, and the even more familiar sight of the pink mare bouncing around out front.

“Pinkie!! Stop that thing!!” Pinkie looked up, saw the approaching orb, and, being Pinkie Pie, completely misunderstood the situation. Luckily in this instance it was a good thing.

“Ooh! Ooh! Are we playing a game! Okay, my turn! Bater UP!” She cried, suddenly pulling a baseball bat out of thin air. With a resounding CRACK the bat impacted the orb, sending it hurtling into the side of a nearby building. Twilight and Applejack quickly caught up, and stared in amazement at the broken object lying before them.

“Wow Pinkie! That was amazing” the orb lay on the ground, pieces of it's carapace broken off and bare circuits visible. It's glowing eye was dimming and sparks occasionally jumped from it. A crowd was forming, hoping to get a look at whatever had caused the commotion, Applejack and Rainbow Dash having to try and keep them back. Twilight hesitantly trotted forward, wanting to get a closer look.....

*********

“Damages?!”

“Critical sir. The probe's a complete write-off.”

“Initiate self-destruct. We can't let these things get their han-....hooves on our technology” the Captain's stoic demeanour had made a definite comeback. Phil stared at him as if he had gone insane.

“You can't do that! She's too close! She'll be caught in the explosion!”

“It's the price we'll...or in this case they'll...have to pay.”

“Captain, this isn't war! We're here to make peace, not blow up innocent civilians!”

Statin, having nothing more to say, turned to Wilson and just nodded the affirmative. The ensign punched in the self-destruct command. Phil couldn't argue, technically the captain was in command, and technically they had attacked the probe. The fact that they kind of somewhat provoked them would be overlooked. But just because he couldn't stop it didn't mean he was going to just stand by and let innocents get hurt.

“Ensign! Are the probe's speakers working?”

“Well yes bu-” Phil shoved Wilson out of the way and turned on the console's microphone.....

*********

Twilight didn't know what to think. It was definitely some kind of machine, and she could tell it wasn't magical, which meant it's technology was far beyond anything their scientists could even dream of. It's ability to fly without the aid of wings or magic alone was centuries, if not millennia, ahead of their most advanced machinery. But right now she had a much more important question on her mind: what the buck was it?

All of a sudden, it's sparking became more violent, sending off a shower of lights. A high-pitched beeping started emanating from it's innards, the beeps becoming quicker in succession with every second. She feared something might happen, what, she wasn't sure. What happened next confirmed her fears.....and saved her life.

'Get back!! Everybody get back!! This things gonna blow!!' The voice had a vaguely Trottingham-ish accent, and was coming from the orb itself. Realizing she was in danger, Twilight managed to teleport herself away from it in time for it to explode in a shower of flame and shrapnel.

“Twilight!!” Her friends cried out in unison. They rushed over towards her, finding her several feet from where she had been. “Are you okay?!” Rainbow asked, her features etched with worry. Shaking the dust off her coat, Twilight waited for the ringing in her ears to subside before answering.

“I think so, is everypony else okay?” Twilight took in the scene before her. The explosion had caught a lot of ponies unprepared. Several had run off, a few were cowering under their hooves, and Twilight thought she smelt the distinct scent of urine in the air. Quickly checking it wasn't her that had soiled themselves, she looked over towards the orb....or what was left of it. Inside a small crater only a few pieces of burnt, twisted metal and some melted circuitry remained.

“TWILIGHT!!!”

Pushing through the crowd, which parted easily, she could see the form of her chubby dragon assistant. He hobbled over towards them before collapsing, completely exhausted. “Stupid...*pant*....ponies.....*pant*......and their.....*pant*....four legs!”

“Spike! Good you're here. Take a letter!” Spike only whimpered at this.

“Uumm...Twi, ah think it would be good if ya gave the little fella time to breath...”

“Oh...right. Anyway girls, help me gather up the remnants of this.....thing....and take it back to the library. We need to send a letter to Princess Celestia at once!”

“That's her answer to everything” muttered Dash to Pinkie.

“What was that?”

“Oh n-nothing Twi!”

The Divination Dilemma

Phil and Statin stood outside the admiral's ready room. Both men stared nervously at the door control, working up the courage to open it.

“You first....” whispered the captain.

“Me?! Why me?!” Phil tried to yell as quietly as possible, so as to not give away their location.

“You were the one who lost us the probe.”

“How the hell was I supposed to know the modulator would fail! I may be smart but I'm not omniscient” Phil ground out between gritted teeth.

“And hey, he might go easy on you. He is-”

“Ok! Opening the door now!” Phil really didn't want this conversation to head down that road. Phil pressed the button to open the door, and upon opening, revealed an office-like room, with shag carpeting, a mahogany desk and three chairs, a painting of an ancient sailing ship on the back wall, and a large window to the left. A bookshelf lay to the right, undoubtably filled with books on military and naval history and tactics, and a large computer lay on the desk (the admiral stubbornly refused to upgrade). Said admiral sat behind the desk and Major Oliver in an opposite chair. The admiral looked up from his datapad, and for a split second looked relieved.

“Ah, captain, doctor. You arrived just in time for our riveting discussion on the soil erosion of Solaris IV” the admiral smiled an obviously fake smile at that “but I'm sure you have much more *important*** news to deliver.”

“Admiral! If our estimates of the soil coherency aren't exact, the colony's-!”

“Yes, yes. Save it for somebody who gives a damn, major.” Jessica looked quite perturbed at this, but the admiral ignored her. “Anyways, what do you gentlemen have to report?”

Phil paled, which was quite the achievement considering how pale he was already. That question was obviously directed at him, and now the eyes of everyone in the room were staring at him. The admiral didn't respond well to bad news, and Phil didn't respond well to pressure. Trying, with a similar amount of effort one would put into attempting to convince a Neo-Republican of the dubious nature of Saint Reagan (in other words a lot), to keep his anxiety under control, Phil hesitantly responded with as much confidence as he could muster.

“W-well a-admiral, uh.....funny story.”

“They don't have tentacles do they? Ever since I read those Lovecraft stories as a boy-”

“O-oh no no no, they don't have anything like that.”

“Well what do they look like?” Jessica responded, unable to keep the smirk from her voice or off her face. She could see right through his facade. Phil looked to Statin for support, but the captain was looking at an exceedingly interesting stain on the carpet.

“U-uh.....You know how I was joking about 'ponies' earlier, right.....well um....”

The next fifteen minutes were spent reviewing the footage from the probe's sensors, followed by another half hour when they watched it again....twice. Both Jessica and the admiral wore shocked expressions, which Phil recognized as the same face that he and Statin wore a few hours ago. When the holo-vid concluded for the third time, the two officers turned to the doctor. Jessica fixed him with a cold stare.

“You're fucking joking.” It wasn't so much a question as a statement of fact.

“Jessica, you know me well enough to know that I could never fake footage that convincing.”

“Right, you're far too incompetent to pull something like this off. Statin, was this you?” Phil bristled at her comment, but before he could respond Statin answered her question.

“Ma'am, as improbable as it seems, everything the doctor showed you is correct. That is what the probe saw. I even had the boys down in the science labs check it for any anomalies.....four times. That footage is legit.”

“But they're speaking fucking *ENGLISH*** for pete's sake!!!! The sheer improbability of that is-!!”

“Astronomical? Yes me and the captain have already had this conversation......it did not end well. I think it is best to leave the higher mysteries of the cosmos to more enlightened minds, and not to think too deeply on reality-shattering things like this. I would hate to have to clean the brains off my suit when your head inevitably explodes.”

“Oh and why have your brains not exploded, hmm?”

“Well, we all know I'm already insane, so this is no biggy. As for the captain, he's been through enough wars that I don't think he knows what sanity is anymore. Right captain?”

“Sure why not” Statin was suddenly looking very tired. Most people developed that expression when having to deal with the doctor for extended periods of time. Add on top of that the mind-blowing, reality-shattering, logic-raping discovery they had just made, and you've got the recipe for one hell of a headache.

“Well then” the admiral spoke up for the first time since the holo-vid ended. “While I am deliberating on what our next course of action should be, I have a new mission for the two of you.”

“Yes sir?” the two men chorused, the younger of them somewhat reluctantly.

“You two are going to go down there, and get us back THAT FUCKING PROBE!!!!!!!”

*********

Twilight stared at the tarp Spike had hastily set up in the library's main room. Taking up most of it's surface were the broken remnants of the mysterious orb. They had had to wait nearly half an hour for the pieces to cool down enough for them to touch them. Only after they had begun did Twilight remember she had telekinesis.

That had resulted in one rather epic facehoof.

Attempting to take her mind off of certain blunders, Twilight reexamined the remnants for what had to be the fiftieth time.

“Fifty-seventh!” Pinkie cried out.

“What?” Twilight looked at her confused.

“Just correcting the narrator” she said with her trademark empty-headed smile.

“Riiiight.......” Ignoring her strange friend, Twilight went back to examining the pieces for the fifty-seventh time. There were jagged pieces of broken carapace, melted glass and circuitry, and liquified bits of what she believed had once been plastic. Overall, there wasn't much left that could indicate what it was or who built it, which was frustrating to no end. Letting out a groan of frustration, Twilight levitated a certain piece out of the pile. It was a blackened shard of dark metal, with sharp, jagged edges that could most likely cause significant wounds to somepony not hoofing it with extreme care, hence her use of telekinesis. She looked it over several times, observing it from several angles. Just when she was about to put it down, the light reflected off of something along the inner curvature. Bringing it close to her face, carefully so as not to accidentally jab her eye out, Twilight stared intently at what had caught her attention. There seemed to be a series of indents along it, forming some kind of pattern. Hesitantly, she blew on it to clear away the charred ash, and was rewarded when her efforts revealed what the pattern was.

'Letters!'

Twilight read the words with some difficulty, several of the letters having been damaged in the explosion. “X-7 MkII Reco.....robe.....what in Equestria does that mean?” she mused aloud to herself.

“Ooh! Ooh! Maybe it's some kind of super secret, secret spy, secrety-pants code!! Where the letters are actually numbers, and the numbers are actually letters! Maybe it was sent by gryphons, they write like that where the letters are numbers and the numbers are letters....I think.... and then a gryphon spy will show up and and he'll shoot all the baddies and he'll be totally like 'the names Pond. Flames Pond' and then he'll get all kinky-winky with me and-!”

“Pinkie, have y’all been hittin' the smack again?”

“Smacking what, you silly-willy?”

“.....never mind” Just as Pinkie was taking another deep inhale to continue her rambling, the front door to the library slammed open, crushing her against the wall. (That's what you get for standing next the door, you fourth-wall-breaking, narrator-correcting.....pink....thing.)

“Guys! Guys! You're not gonna believe this!” Rainbow cried, before noticing the pink tail sticking out from behind the door. “O-oh....sorry Pinkie...”

“Itsh ofay”

“Anyways, I just got back from flying around town, and you are not gonna believe what ponies are saying!”

“What is it, sugercube?” asked Applejack as she helped a dazed Pinkie get out from behind the door. Dash gestured with her hooves, her face making the weirdest expression, her mouth going into a crooked half-smile, her eyes going slitted, and her mane becoming what could only be described as a 1st class hairicane.

"Aliens"

“Uh....beg pardon?”

“Everypony in town is saying that that ball thing was sent by aliens!” Spike, who up until now had been taking a short 'power' nap, quickly bolted awake, panic evident on his face.

“Oh no! It's the Cthulhoids!! Run if you want to keep your brain!!!” the miniature dragon dived out a nearby window in a brilliantly choreographed action sequence.....or he would have if Twilight hadn't grabbed him with her telekinetic grip.

“There is no such thing as Cthulhoids!!” Levitating him down, she gave him the 'no more choreographed action sequences' look before continuing. “There has to be a more reasonable explanation, like secret government technology, or a Minotauran Spying device. Just because we haven't seen something like this before doesn't automatically make it 'aliens'. The very thought that aliens not only exist but also would come to a place like Ponyville is just.....implausible!! Haven't you ever heard of Ockham's Razor?”

“Ooh! Is he that stallion that lives down the road who drinks lots of cider and has that thick Germaneigh accent?”

Twilight sighed. “No, Pinkie, that's Mr. Oktoberfest” She deadpanned. “Ockham's Razor is a scientific principle that can be summed up like so: the simplest answer is most likely the right one.”

“Oh? And what is the simplest answer?” Dash gloated while hovering over their heads.

“I....don't know. But we shouldn't jump to conclusions. We barely know anything about this thing, it could take days, even weeks for us to piece together a clue....” Twilight looked down dejectedly as she settled in for a long night of examining.

“I know! Why don't you just use that super-duper divination magic the Princess taught you that you were telling me about the other day, silly-willy?”

Everyone stared at Pinkie, save Twilight who facehoofed with such force she nearly gave herself a concussion. “Pinkie, you never cease to amaze me.” Twilight stood up and gazed upon the shards, focusing her energy. “Okay everypony, stand back, I'll need utmost concentration for this.” Scrying magic was difficult, especially when you did not have a link to the target, and most unicorns could hurt themselves just attempting it. Fortunately, she was not a 'normal unicorn', and the link was staring her right in the face. Twilight focused power through her horn, connecting herself with the astral plane, and when the connection was strong enough, she sent her consciousness outwards. She looked for the shards, and focused her power on them, unraveling the skeins of time to look at the orb's past. Her mind was soon overwhelmed by jumbled visions of a cold emptiness......

“The X-7 Mk II Reconnaissance Probe is capable of traversing hostile envro-”

“An Odin-class dreadnought carries a complement of twenty X-7 Mk II-”

“Dropping out of Hyperspace now admiral, we should-”

“-man, take us in closer to Solaris III, but make sur-”

“-let's get this show on the road!”

That voice....

“-might have been the baseball, capt-”

That *voice*......

“Does it FUCKKING *MATTER?!?!*”

Those eyes.......

“Twilight! Twilight! Snap out of it!” She was vaguely aware of someone shaking her, and she opened her eyes to see the concerned face of Rainbow Dash looking down at her.

“H-huh....wah...W-what happened? Why'd you break my concentration?!” Twilight's throat hurt, and her voice came out in a hoarse whisper. It was Applejack who answered, worry etched on her face.

“Twi....you were screamin' louder then a cow with a sore teat on milkin' day...” even when concerned the farmer didn't lose her folksy charm.

“I...I was?”

“Yeah. What exactly......did you see?” Rainbow asked, trepidation evident in her voice. Twilight could tell she was far more worried then she let on.

“I...I don't know....it was cold...and...and there was this voice.....” 'And those eyes'

“What kinda voice, sugercube?”

“It sounded a little like-” Twilight's eyes shot wide open. She recognized that voice. It sounded intelligent, confident, and had a vague Trottinghamish accent....

“Get back!! Everybody get Back!! This things gonna blow!!”

“F-from the orb! The one that saved me!”

“Uh...what?” was Dash's intelligent response.

“Before the orb exploded, it...it talked to me. It warned me about the explosion, told me to get away. It.....saved me. The voice from the visions....it was the same one!”

“Wait...so, it was...alive?” Pinkie's face fell as she asked the question, fearing that she had contributed to a living being's death.

“What? Oh! No I don't think so Pinkie. The voice...it sounded grainy, distorted, like it was coming out of a record player. That, and the scrying spell would have revealed if it was alive. As far as I could tell, it was an inanimate object.”

“Okie-dokie then!” her normal cheery demeanour making a comeback.

“Well I think we should-” Spike was interrupted as a loud belch exited his mouth, and with it a green flame that materialized into a rolled up scroll.

“Wow, I didn't expect the Princess to respond that quickly, we only sent the letter an hour ago.” Twilight levitated the scroll, unrolling it and beginning to read.

My Dearest Student

I apologize that I cannot take time out of my busy schedule to assist, dear Twilight, but the news of this strange unidentified flying object troubles me. From your description I myself couldn't think of a reasonable answer, which in of itself is worrisome. I would suggest a divination spell on this 'orb's' remnants to determine it's origin.

Also, Luna has told me that apparently some kind of object crashed into the Everfree roughly an hour before this incident with the Orb. She claims it was no meteor. Centuries of experience tell that this cannot be a coincidence. If the divination fails, investigating the crash site might reveal clues.

Your Proud Teacher

Princess Celestia

As she finished the letter, Twilight's face was set in determination.

“Girls, gather the others. We're headed into the forest....”

The Mare who cried Wolf

A/N: As of Wednesday, March 27, 2013, I have cast a spell of MAGICAL RETCON on this story (not to be confused with REPCONN, a subsidiary of Robco). The events of 'Magical Mystery Cure' now take place before chapter 1 of this story, so Twilight is an alicorn and has been throughout this story. I have gone back and changed things to reflect this, though the changes are extremely minor so don't feel compelled to go back and read them if you don't want to.

Also, slight gore warning for this chapter, though it is minor and there for does not require the 'gore' tag. Enjoy!

*********

Ship crew dashed to and fro inside the cavernous hanger, prepping the shuttle for launch. Four figures stood next to the orbital shuttle, which to a certain white-haired, yellow-eyed doctor's delight, resembled it's imperial counterpart from a certain movie franchise. Three of the four figures were kitted out in full body tactical armour, consisting ofa suit of green painted ceremite carapace armour over olive green fatigues. Three carried AC-94 fully automatic assault rifles, while the fourth had a 10mm submachine gun strapped to his thigh. Phil, who was carrying the 10mm, was wearing significantly less armour then the other three, only having a chest and back plate. He was idly sitting on a supply crate, his helmet next to him, distractedly checking his gun. Since this idiotic mission was assigned, Phil couldn't help but feel a sense of foreboding. Somehow, he knew something was going to go down on that planet, but frustratingly what that would be still eluded him. He turned his attention to Captain Statin, who was about to address the two UNASF marines standing at attention, their visages hidden behind impassive face-masks.

“Alright, maggots!! This is a standard retrieval mission. We are to infiltrate the settlement and retrieve the probe remnants without alerting the locals. Under NO circumstances are we to engage or otherwise make contact with the native inhabitants. Stealth modulators will be worn and active at all times. I don't want any fuck-ups. Did you get all that doctor?!” Statin yelled out, turning his gaze to Phil.

“Oh! Yes, of course” Phil said rather distractedly, his thoughts elsewhere. After that acknowledgement, he went back to checking his gun.

“Hey doc” called out one of the marines with some form of latino accent. “Be careful with that gun, ya might put somebody's eye out!” the two men snorted in laughter before fist-bumping each other. Phil sighed at their stupidity, but felt in a mood to humour them.

“Well gentleman, I grew up a stone's throw away from the Quebec border, during the francophone insurgency years. I think I know how to handle a gun.” Phil stood up and walked over to the smart ass marine. Phil had a good four inches over him, and he leaned over with a predatory smirk, bearing canines that seemed a little too pointed. “And besides.....do you really think I'd need one?” Phil's smirk grew wider as the marine visibly gulped, before he turned and walked away. Statin turned to the triumphant doctor with a confused look on his face.

“Wait....you're canadian?” Now it was Phil's turn to look confused.

“...Yes.....why? Does that surprise you?”

“Well, I just assumed....you know, the accent.....” Phil's expression had went from triumphant, to confused, and now to annoyed. He sighed and rubbed his eyes before responding.

“I was born and raised in Canada, yes, but I spent seven years studying at Oxford. In that time I must have picked up some of the local flavour. I am also of english descent, my grandfather, who raised me, having come from London. And besides, I don't judge you on account of your accent, Tex.”

“Fair enough.” Phil, having decided the conversation was over, went back to his seat on the supply crate. As he waited for the shuttle to be ready, Phil once again zoned out, but inevitably his thoughts always came back to the current situation. Aliens. Mother-fucking aliens. He'd been waiting a long time for this, to meet someone new. Someone who didn't have any prior impressions, any pre-conceived notions, any ingrained prejudice. Someone who wouldn't judge him just by looking at him. It was the whole reason he took this job. He knew he could never find someone among his own species like that. He'd tried. Of course he hadn't expected them to be talking, technicolour horses, but eh, beggars can't be choosers.

At that very moment, the universe, having the sick sense of humour it did, decided to reinforce his thoughts, as Phil overheard some of the marines' conversation. They were speaking spanish, but any anthropologist worth his salt would know a few other languages, and Phil was definitely 'worth his salt'.

“....un monstruo estúpido..” at this the men laughed, stealing a few furtive glances in Phil's direction. 'A stupid freak'. Granted his spanish was a little rusty, but he was certain they had just called him a freak. Phil's eyes slowly went slitted, his lip turning up in a snarl. He felt a familiar feeling rising up within him. That unmistakeable feeling that rose in the pit of his stomach like black, venomous bile. That feeling that consumed his thoughts like a gluttonous spectre and replaced them with murderous focus. Rage. Unbidden, those words that had been spoken so many years ago came to his mind, as if to torture him further.

“I could never staywith a freak like you.”

The flashback was so vivid he felt as if he was there, in that apartment room on that chilly november evening. His fingers twitched, instinctively yearning to reach out and throttle the neck of the whore who had uttered those soul-crushing words.

“.....a freaklike you.”

His breath came in ragged gasps through flared nostrils. His entire body was nearly consumed with the anger's white hot intensity. A low growl issued from between clenched teeth. He was angry at the admiral, angry at those stupid marines, he was angry at the whole fucking universe for the miserable life he'd been forced to live. But most of all, he was angry at her.

“....a FREAKlike YOU.”

His heart was pounding in his ears like some hideous demonic drumbeat, calling him to spill the blood of those who'd wronged him, to make them feel the pain he'd felt. Slowly his hand crept towards the handle of his submachine gun....

Phil was broken from his trance when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Startled, he looked up to see Statin standing next to him, a concerned look on his scarred face. Phil was vaguely aware that the captain had asked him something, but had been too preoccupied with his thoughts to hear it. “U-uh....p-pardon?”

“I said, are you alright, doctor?”

“Oh! Yes, yes of course...” After regaining his composure, Phil stood up and looked Statin in the eye, a mocking smirk on his face. “I have the utmost confidence in this mission, captain. You have a fine crew of bigots under your command. I look forward to working with them.” After that, his face soured and he promptly stomped off to be alone with his thoughts. Statin turned to the two marines, glaring daggers at the insensitive morons.

“Uh...he could understand us?”

“Oh, you're so surprised the genius anthropologist speaks fucking spanish!!” Statin continued to give them a verbal shit-kicking, but Phil just tuned it out. He walked over to the edge of the hanger, close to where the energy field sealed the ship from the void of space. Phil reached into his pocket and retrieved the small, unmarked pill bottle that he carried with him everywhere. Taking out two capsules, he dry swallowed them before taking a long, shuddering breath. He hadn't had a flare-up like that in a long time. Maybe he was finally starting to go stir crazy, being stuck in a floating tub with thousands of jackasses who thought of him more as a monster then a person for a year and a half. Hopefully the meds would kick in shortly, but before that happened a second feeling would come over him. It always did. Shame. Shame that he'd almost lost control, shame that he could have those thoughts in the first place, shame that he had the balls to even exist. At times like this he was sure that he was nothing more then some sick joke for whatever deity or cosmic force that presided over the universe.

As if to make matters worse, his leg was flaring up again. Although most of the time it was barely noticeable, to the point most people didn't realize it, Dr. Ackerman actually walked with a slight limp, the last physical remnant of the trauma he'd received many years ago. Occasionally, usually after he had an episode, his limp would worsen. Though he knew it was entirely psychosomatic, the pain felt more then real, and there was nothing he could do about it other then grin and bear it.

Phil looked out of the hanger at the form of Solaris III, hanging suspended in space like a big blue marble. For a moment, Phil thought it looked like the sun was orbiting the planet, but he just passed it off as residual effects from the episode. It also occurred to him that he could easily jump through the energy field, effectively ending it all in the cold embrace of the void. Shaking his head, he quickly dismissed that thought. Looking out at the the strangely Earth-like planet, once more her words came to the forefront of his mind.....

“But hey...it was fun while it lasted.....”

*********

The party of six mares strode through the woods, some more confidently then others. They walked in complete silence.......well, except for one of them......

“Seventy-nine bushels of hay on the wall!

Seventy-nine bushels of hay!

Take one down!

Pass it around!

Seventy-eight bushels of hay on the wall!”

Twilight sighed to herself as Pinkie Pie continued to bounce in circles around them whilst singing her idiotic song. She couldn't remember who had bet that she couldn't sing the song all the way down to one. Knowing Pinkie, it was exceedingly likely that she had made the bet against herself. She looked to the other members of her party, and they seemed just as fed up with the pink mare's antics. An idea forming in her head, Twilight cleared her throat in an unnecessarily loud fashion. Pinkie stopped mid-verse, and even more perplexingly, mid-air.

“Say Pinkie” she started in a fake conversational tone. “You know what would be an even better bet then singing 'One Hundred Bushels of Hay on the Wall' down to one?”

“Ooh! Ooh! What?! What?!” Pinkie bounced up and down excitedly. Twilight allowed herself a covert smile at how well her plan was working.

“Seeing how long you can stay silent.”

“Oh you silly! That's not a bet! It's gotta be in bet form!” Twilight groaned at Pinkie's surprising cunning.

“Ok....I bet you can't stay completely quiet until we find the crash site and get back to Ponyville.”

“Ok, what are the stakes?” Pinkie said with a sly sort of smile, thinking she had it all figured out (which, in reality, she didn't).

“Umm...if you do, I'll....buy a dozen of your.....super delicious super duper frostinglicious cupcake supremes from Sugercube Corner” Twilight struggled a bit to remember the name. The plan was risky, those things were expensive, and had enough sugar in them that they should have been called 'super fattening super duper diabeteslicious cupcake supremes', but hopefully it would pay off. Even if her plan failed, Twilight had seen Princess Celestia scoff down enough cake to choke a rhinoceros in one sitting, so hopefully not gaining weight was a trait of her newfound alicornism. Pinkie's eyes nearly bulged out of her head at the excitement of someone finally buying her special cupcakes.

“Okie dokie lo- I mean” Pinkie motioned her hoof over her mouth in a 'zipping' gesture before winking at Twilight. With out realizing it the entire group let out a collective sigh of relief. Fortunately the pink mare didn't notice, being to absorbed in the herculean task of staying quiet. They continued on for several more minutes. With no extraequistrial objects in sight, Twilight was beginning to get annoyed.

“According to Princess Luna, it should be right here!” Twilight stamped her hoof in annoyance. The five mares soon began to bicker amongst themselves, Fluttershy and Rarity suggesting they call off the search, the former because of how frightening it was in the forest, the latter because of all the mud and gunk that could mess up her mane, while Applejack, Rainbow Dash and Twilight insisting they continue.

Pinkie, meanwhile, was sitting on her haunches and looking about the forest, hoping that if she found something to focus on she could remain quiet. It worked during the magic mirror clone incident after all. Suddenly, she caught a glimpse of something shiny out of the corner of her eye, on the other side of some large bushes. From what she could tell, it was dark yet shined when it caught the light, seemingly foreign to the Everfree. Calmly (well, calmly for Pinkie Pie), she got up and trotted over to the bushes, hoping to get a look at the strange object. When she stuck her head through the foliage, her eyes went as wide as saucers, and she nearly let out a surprised squeak before clamping her hoof over her mouth. She quickly ran back to the group.

“But darling, this humid air will do monstrous things to my mane!”

“Rarity, contrary to what you might think, there are more important things then your mane!” The argument was interrupted when a big pink blur landed in the middle of the group. Pinkie hopped from one hoof to another, all the while gesticulating with her forelegs towards some nearby bushes. Curiously, she didn't make a single sound other then some pleading whimpers during her display.

“What is it Pinks? Did Pip fall down a well?” Rainbow teased. Pinkie whimpered some more, and started pushing Twilight over towards the bushes.

“Pinkie, I'm sure whatever it is can wai-” Twilight's sentence was ended abruptly by a sharp intake of breath when Pinkie shoved her through the shrub into a small clearing, and she caught sight of....it. Thrust into the earth, in the centre of a small crater, was some kind of shaft. It was long and smooth, and made from strange blackened metal. At the very tip it split in half, revealing an inner cavity. A cavity that could fit a large orb-shaped object.

“What is it?” mused Fluttershy, her fear momentarily forgotten.

“I...don't know” Twilight was utterly flabbergasted for the second time in two days. What could this thing be? It had to have come from somewhere on Equuis, maybe from the Minotauren or Griffonian space programs or something. It couldn't possibly have been made by....

“That's gotta be it” Dash shouted.

“What's it, darling?” Rarity ask, annoyed at the cyan mare's loud tone.

“Aliens”

“Rainbow, would you stop making that face! It's creepy!” Twilight was annoyed at her friend's insistence. 'Aliens, pfft. That's just isn't plausible....right?' Applejack hesitantly trotted up to the object, prompting a frightened squeak from Fluttershy.

“Hey, there's some writtin' on this thing” Applejack had to turn her head to read the awkwardly-placed symbols. “'Property...of the.....United Nations Alliance.....Space Forces'....what in tarnation does that mean?!”

“See Dash. Why would aliens write in equestrian?”

“Ooh! Maybe it's got some kooky, ultra-advanced universal translation technology!!” Pinkie cried out excitedly. Everyone looked at her with an annoyed expression, before what she'd just done dawned on her. “Ah dang” she said dejectedly.

“Ok! I need some room to get a look at this thing. If you guys could scoot over there for a minute” Twilight announced, the other mares too absorbed in speculating what it was to care. Looking at it with scientific detachment, Twilight noticed a few things. It was made from the same strange metal as the orb, but unlike the orb, any circuits and mechanisms it had were still intact. Unfortunately, the technology this thing possessed was so far beyond anything in her experience that she had no bucking clue what in Tartarus it was! Some kind of delivery system maybe? As she stood there examining it, that's when she heard it.

“Help me! Somebody help me!”

Startled from her reverie, she turned towards the sound. It was faint, but sounded like somepony in trouble. “Girls, did you hear that?”

“I bet they'll have tentacles, and cool zzapp guns. That'd be awesome! Ooh! What if they had tentacles and wings! Flying with aliens! That'd be so awesome!!!” Dash exclaimed.

“I hope they're going to be nice aliens” was Fluttershy's meek response.

“Eeww! Tentacles?! That'd be just horrific, darling! Imagine making a dress for something with tentacles.” Rarity shuddered at the thought.

“Uh, girls?” Twilight once again tried to get her friends' attention, but was once more met with failure, them being to caught up in their extraequistrial musings to hear her. She was now faced with a decision; wait for her friends to notice someone in trouble, or go off alone into the forest to help whoever was in distress.“Ok then....I'm just gonna go off to help somepony.....out in the forest....all alone.....” Twilight heard the endangered party repeat their cry for help, more frantic this time, and she knew what she had to do.

In a move that was probably not one of Twilight's 'thinking' moments (though later on, down the road, she wouldn't regret it in the slightest), she flexed her wings and took off, speeding into the forest to help whoever was in need. The thought of playing the lone heroine gave her a sort of thrill she didn't often experience. Unfortunately, that same thrill made her ignorant of the danger. As she sped through the woods, they became darker and closer together, the trees gnarled and withered, the boughs above more tangled to the point where almost all natural light was snuffed out. As she flew, she still heard the pony in trouble crying for help get closer, but they frustratingly stayed just beyond her reach. Soon the woods became so thick she was forced to land and continue on hoof.

As Twilight came to a small clearing, the cries ceased. The woods were shrouded in near total darkness, and she was forced to use her horn as a light source just so she wouldn't trip over her own hooves. She was suddenly aware that she was alone in the Everfree, deeper then she'd ever been before, and that the woods were eerily silent. With that sobering thought all the adrenaline and bravery she had felt fled her body much like the residents of Ponyville fled Pinkie's party for the Cake twin's birthday when she cracked out the 'Extra Fun' Doughnuts. If Twilight remembered correctly somepony was still in the hospital getting the 'Fun' scraped off of their retinas. Life-threatening pastries aside, she had come out all this way to help somepony, and she'd be damned if she would let a little thing like nerves stop her.

“Hello? I heard somepony in trouble, is everything ok?” Suddenly, one of the trees along the path behind her fell with a resounding crash, blocking the way she came. She could find a way around it, but it'd take time, and the tree boughs were too thick and tangled to let her fly out. Then, from the darkness came a low, throaty chuckle. Twilight spun around to face the noise, and the sight made her heart sink. Moving about in the shadows were darkened shapes, twice her size, surrounding her on all sides. Then she smelt it, a hideous, horrid stench more foul then anything she'd ever smelt. It seemed to get worse as one of the shapes approached her. She quickly threw up a force field to defend herself, the light illuminating her foe.

“'Ello, Poppet” it said to her in a butchered accent, as Twilight came face to face with a pair of sickening yellow eyes.

*********

“Only you, captain, could think this is a suitable landing sight.”

Captain Statin had ordered the shuttle to land in a densely vegetated area to the southwest of the settlement. The vegetation would provide ample cover for the shuttle, and it was far enough away from any urban areas that it would avoid notice. They would have to trek through the nearby forest to reach their goal, but seeing as they needed to anyway to retrieve the probe's landing capsule, the captain had decided they could all use a good walk (much to the disgruntled groans of the rest of the team). But when the shuttle drew near, they realized why no one would come looking.

It was a swamp.

A big, dirty, mucky swamp, filled with lakes full of thick, horrible, fetid gunk releasing equally thick, horrible, and fetid gas, with a stench so nauseating Phil was sure that in any sane universe that that stuff couldn't possibly be safe to breath. But the shuttle's sensors said it was, and not one to question technology, the captain had ordered the team out of the shuttle and into the thick, horrible, fetid, couldn't-possibly-be-safe-to-breath stench. Phil gagged, hoping the doughnut he'd had for breakfast wouldn't crawl it's way back up his throat. The helmet he was wearing did shit all to stop the smell, and he turned a hateful glare back at the three 'normal' humans accompanying him. 'Damn them and their underdeveloped senses......oh god the aftertaste.....'

“I wonder what kind'a government they'll have?” one of the marines wondered aloud during a last minute gear-check. “Communist dictatorship maybe?”

“Nah, man, it'll probably be a fascist dictatorship” said the other marine as he checked the clip in his rifle.

“You're both idiots. I bet it'll be an american-style republic, just like the good ol' U.S. Of A. Back in the days before the UNA started runnin' the show” noted Statin. Phil let out a disgruntled sigh as he checked his scanner. As he was considered 'non-combat' personnel, he was in charge of the team's Auspex Sensor, a small hand-held device equipped with a wide range of scanning frequencies. The scanner was so sophisticated that it was often joked that it could tell you precisely what time your next fifty bowel movements would take place, or exactly what the colour purple tasted like. Apparently though, his vocalization of displeasure wasn't quiet enough to go unheard by the 'underdeveloped senses' of his compatriots.

“Oh, and what does his lordship the freak think it'll be?” laughed one of the marines, getting a few guffaws out of his petty insult before promptly getting a fist to the back of the head, courtesy of the captain.

“But in all honesty, what's your opinion doctor?” asked Statin conversationally, as the marine shot his superior a glare and rubbed his head. Sighing again, Phil never took his eyes from the scanner as he responded bitterly.

“Some kind of monarchy, most likely matriarchal in nature.”

“Oh? And why is that?” responded the smarter of the two marines (by only the slimmest margins) with the same bitterness that was in Phil's voice. Phil was sure they only tolerated his presence because they didn't wish to incur the captain's, or even more so, the admiral's, wrath. Finally tearing his eyes from the scanner's read-out, Phil went in to analytical mode, and answered as if the people he was talking to actually gave a damn about what he was saying.

“Judging from the extreme disparity in the ratio of males to females among the native populace, or what I assume to be males and females, two logical yet opposing conclusions can be made. The first conclusion is that males are held in a high regard, placed on a pedestal and practically worshipped, as their comparative rarity and assumed requirement in the reproductive process ensures they hold enormous sway in their society. The second, and albeit much more likely, conclusion, is that their society is matriarchal, with females holding the majority of power, compared to the patriarchal society practiced by humanity throughout much of our history. As for the monarchy aspect.....I saw several signs that denoted a 'royal' something from the probe's video, including the 'Royal Alchemical Society' and the 'Royal Post and Courier Service', so, logically, it can be inferred that they must be ruled by some kind of royalty” Phil finished his verbal flourish, showing that, despite the statements of a certain auburn-haired information officer regarding his incompetence, he was actually quite good at his job.

“Ah, you're full of shit, doc” was the marine's equally intellectual response.

“Really? Well, if you're so confident of your assessment, why not make a little wager? Fifty credits say I'm right, or are you willing to lose to a 'freak'” Phil knew his goading would be successful.

“You're on!”

“No way, dude!” interjected the other marine. “Don't do it! If you lose and you don't pay him, he might gouge your eyes out with his thumbs!”

“That is a fucking stereotype! Never once have I gouged anyone's eyes out, with my thumbs or any other....gouging implement!”

“I can assure you two the doctor will act with the utmost civility regarding this wager. Right doctor?”

“I can't believe you even need to ask that, Bert.”

“Hey, that's Captain Statin.”

“Anyways” Phil said through gritted teeth. “Are you up for it or not?”

“You're on, freak!” Phil extended his hand to formalize the bet, though the marine seemed rather hesitant to touch him at first. Eventually he overcame his revulsion and they shared a hearty handshake.

“Alright everybody, modulators on” the air was filled with a buzzing, warbling sound as the team switched on their wrist-mounted stealth modulators, all four of them disappearing from sight with a faint, sparking shimmer. Though they were all but invisible to the naked eye, the advanced optic sensors in their helmets made sure they could see each other. “Well, doctor, you have the scanner, so lead the way!” stated the captain with a wave of his hand, himself eager to leave the horrid stench of the swamp. Phil, having noted the direction of the probe's landing capsule, confidently led the way into the forest. The marines probably let him go first because, if anything were to go wrong, they could possibly use him as a meat shield. Phil smirked inwardly at that realization. If something actually did go wrong, he was fast enough that before they knew what hit them he would have already dodged behind them. They marched into the forest for a good twenty minutes, with barely any sign of life. Phil swore under his breath as his leg flared up again, momentarily stopping in his advance.

“Everything alright doctor?” asked Statin.

“Yeah....yeah, I'm fine....” Phil managed with a hiss of pain. That's when he heard it.

“SOMEPONY!! ANYPONY!! HELP ME!!!”

'That voice....' Like a rocket Phil took off towards the sound, drawing his submachine gun as he went.

“Doctor! Where the fuck are you going?!?!” shouted Statin, his voice growing increasingly distant as Phil bounded into the forest. The three soldiers tried to give pursuit, but couldn't hope to keep up with the doctor's inhuman speed. Despite having a limp, Phil could move in great, loping strides, and could even put Olympic marathon runners to shame. He knew someone was in danger, and he had a pretty good idea who it was. He had risked his career by saving her before, and he wasn't going to let that effort go to waste....

*********

Timber Worgs. It had to be Timber Worgs.

Twilight shook from a combination of effort and terror as she maintained her force field, the only thing standing between her and a grizzly, protracted death. She had read about worgs in one of her many textbooks, but she had never thought she'd actually meet any. They were exceedingly rare, which, if you asked most experts, was a good thing. Closely related to the much more common, and much less dangerous, timber wolf, timber worgs were at least twice the size of their garden variety cousin, with the strength and toughness befitting of their heightened stature. Though they lacked a timber wolf's ability to reform, the fibrous wooden muscle that replaced their cousin's blocky form granted them enough strength to make a single worg a match for an entire squad of guardsponies. But that wasn't their most dangerous quality, oh no. Every worg possessed an innate resistance to spells, making most of Twilight's defensive repertoire utterly useless, but what made them the horrific danger they were was their intelligence. They were as intelligent as the average pony, and even possessed the capability of speech, meaning they could formulate plans and ambushes to catch unweary prey, which was probably how they caught Twilight in such a compromising position. And if you thought that since they were sentient, they could be reasoned with, you most likely had a one way ticket to being their dinner, but not before they had some 'fun' with you. They made Discord look like a saint.

“Hur hur hur, we're gonna take your skin, poppet” laughed what was obviously the band's leader, in that cockney Trottingham accent he possessed. How he came to have it, Twilight had no clue. There was at least a dozen of them, maybe more, all of them circling Twilight like a.....well, like a pack of wolves. Twilight shied away from his horrible gaze, praying to whatever powers that be that this was just a horrific nightmare.

“I want the wings, they look tender” growled another, the timbre of it's voice denoting it was a female. Her eyes screwed shut, Twilight did the only thing she could do.

“SOMEPONY!! ANYPONY!! HELP ME!!!”

“Ain't nobody gonna help ya now, poppet” mocked the leader again, eliciting laughs from the rest of the band.

“Actually” came a voice seemingly out of thin air. “The correct pronunciation would be 'there isn't anybody who is going to help you now....poppet.” The worg leader barely had time to look towards the direction of the voice before there was a blinding flash and a terrific roar, as his wood-like head was nearly turned to mulch before Twilight's eyes, gooey, sap-like blood splattering on her force field. Twilight saw a vague, shimmering outline by the edge of the clearing. Apparently, the other worgs saw it too, as they lunged towards their leader's killer. One of the worgs latched onto what appeared to be some kind of forelimb, and with a familiar buzzing sound, Twilight's saviour became visible.

He, or at least Twilight thought he was a he, his voice sounded rather male, was bipedal, with two long, skinny legs and a pair of equally skinny arms, almost like a minotaur. He seemed to have brownish tan flesh and a sort of green carapace on his chest, head, claws and feet. No wait....the brown was some kind of fabric, and the carapace was...armour? In his claw he clutched a kind of L-shaped metallic object, with a curved, banana-shaped piece sticking out of it. It must have been some kind of weapon, and a particularly dangerous one at that. Overall, Twilight had never seen a creature anything like it.....or had she?

The creature struggled with the worg latched to it's arm, and brought it's weapon down to the worg's chest level. With a clicking sound, the weapon flared to life again, it's terrible roar heralding the coming carnage as the worg's barrel practically exploded, sending gorpy wood chips everywhere. What was left of the worg slumped to the ground, but Twilight's saviour didn't have much respite, as the rest of the pack charged him. Two more worgs met grisly ends by way of the creature's weapon, whatever projectiles it fired tearing them to pieces and ensuring the clearing would have a good mulching. Twilight was sure the fight would soon be over, as the creature once more levelled it's weapon at another foe while swiftly dodging the clumsy strikes of the other worgs. But her heart sank when, instead of a roar and a flash, all it did was make a quiet 'click'.

“Ah fuck!” shouted the creature, throwing the apparently useless weapon to the side as he braced for his attackers to mob him, which they did in short order. Twilight couldn't bear to watch as surely her saviour would be torn to pieces by the ravenous worgs, but instead the creature managed to strike one of the worgs in the face, which was accompanied by a grisly snapping sound, before the worg's lifeless corpse fell to the ground. Continuing it's momentum, the creature grabbed another worg by the forelimb, then swung it across the clearing with such force he ripped the limb from it's socket, before promptly using said limb to beat another worg to within an inch of it's life. Whatever this creature was, it was strong.

Another worg attempted to bite the creature's face, but he grabbed it's jaws with both of his claws, then forced them open to the point where it's head split in two. The remaining four worgs kept back, growling at the creature as they tried to think of what to do. The creature stood up straight, and Twilight realized the thing was over six feet tall. He was probably taller then Princess Celestia! Squaring his shoulders, the creature seemed to tilt it's head in confusion. “There's something on your face” he said, pointing a digit at the nearest worg, who then tilted it's own head in confusion. Before they could react, the creature lunged forward at a speed that Twilight thought wasn't possible for a being of it's size. It kicked the worg in the jaw with terrific force, splintering several fangs, then with the same movement brought it's heel straight down on it's head, crushing it utterly into the forest floor. "It was pain!" Now, worgs may not have been as smart as a pony, but they definitely weren't stupid, and seeing as they had just had a dozen strong pack reduced to three members by a single creature in less then a minute, they knew when to give up. With their branch-like tail between their legs, the remaining worgs fled yelping into the forest, leaving Twilight alone with her saviour.

“Well....can't say that was much of a welcoming party” he joked, and Twilight realized he had a very familiar accent.

“Doctor!!” shouted someone from the bushes, before three more creatures burst out of the foliage. They seemed to be wearing more armour then the other one, were a few inches shorter, and the weapons they carried were much larger requiring them to use both claws to carry them.

“Huh....*gasp*...ga..wha...*gasp*..where'd ya...*gasp* learn to run like that doc” one of them managed to croak out, both him and another one obviously out of breath, his friend slouched against a tree, only able to gasp desperately for air with a claw at his torso.

“What the hell were you doing, doctor?!?! You could have compromised the mission!!” said the fourth creature, himself only slightly out of breath. He seemed to speak in a manner vaguely similar to an Apple Family accent. Then he looked past the one who'd saved her, who was apparently called 'doctor', and caught sight of Twilight. “Ah god damn it!! You did compromise the mission!! God damn, son of a bitch, fucking piece of shit-fuck horse crap-!!” Twilight couldn't help but blush at the seemingly endless stream of profanity spewing out of the creature's hidden mouth. Whatever creatures these were, they were obviously foul-mouthed and ill-tempered. “-shitin' piss on a cracker!!!” the creature finally finished after a good solid minute of expletives.

“You about done?” asked 'doctor' in a calm voice.

“Yeah, I think so” responded the foul-mouthed one while attempting to catch his breath. “Anyways, what the fuck were you thinking?!?! Dashing off to be some kind'a hero, while you knew we had a mission to complete!! And after I ordered you to make absolutely NO contact with the locals!! If the admiral's gonna have my ass on a plater, he's gonna want to mount yours on the wall of his office!!” Twilight had no idea how donkeys fit into this, but she could tell this one was in charge and that he was definitely not happy to see her.

'Wait....what did he mean by locals'

“Well, you've left me with no other choice, doctor. Ramirez! Prepare to terminate the alien!” Twilight's eyes widened in shock, not only from the implications of him calling her an alien, but also from the fact that her apparent 'saviours' were about to kill her. One of the other creatures raised his tube-shaped weapon and pointed it directly at Twilight, but before he could activate it, the one called 'doctor' grabbed it by the barrel and wretched it downwards.

“If you pull that trigger” he said in a low growl “You'll end up like those rather unfortunate-” he looked down at the worg remains for a moment. “.....wooden...things”

“Are you threatening my men, doctor?” responded the leader incredulously.

“Perhaps I am, captain. Do you think I would have gone through all this and then just stand by and watch as you execute an innocent civilian?” He turned to Twilight for a moment. “You are innocent, right?”

“Uh...yeah” Twilight responded, dumbfounded at the strangeness of the situation and unable to think of a more articulated answer.

“Do you know what you're doing? Are you really going to throw away your life for this....stranger?” said the one called 'captain', himself somewhat shocked at doctor's actions.

“What makes you think I have anything to live for!” her saviour laughed. Actually laughed, as if it was the most obvious answer in the world, and finding hilarity in his compatriot's inability to comprehend that fundamental truth.

“Dear god, you're serious” captain sighed. After a pause, he stated “Stand down.”

“Captain?” asked the other creature.

“I said stand down!” The creature lowered his weapon, albeit reluctantly.

“See? That wasn't so hard” doctor said to them, then turned to her and tried to appear as non-threatening as possible. Which was hard seeing as he was twice the size of her and she had just seen him destroy an entire pack of timber worgs by himself. “Well, um...sorry about that. Bit of a....disagreement there. Don't worry, we're not going to hurt you....well, at least I'm not, and I won't let them hurt you either.” He crouched down in front of her, and Twilight instinctively shied away.

“Is it...is it the helmet? Don't worry, I can take care of that.” He placed both claws on each side of his head and made an upward twisting motion. For a moment Twilight thought he was actually removing it. With a hiss of steam, he took off what was obviously a helmet, and Twilight's first glimpse of her saviour's visage was an unkempt greyish-white mane. But as she got a good look at what lay underneath the armour, her eyes widened, her breath hitched in her throat, and her heart skipped a beat as out stepped a creature ripped straight from her nightmares.

Literally.

Diplomacy at Gunpoint

“Okay darling, I believe we can agree to disagree about whether or not winged aliens with purple tentacled mouth-suckers for eyes would be 'cool' or not. Personally what I think-”

“Sorry ta interrupt, sugercube, but Ah feel as if we're forgettin' somethin'....somethin' real important” Applejack looked around the clearing warily whilst rubbing her chin with her hoof. The past ten minutes had been spent discussing what the aliens would look like, what kind of society they would have, whether they could fly, how cool it'd be if they could fly, and whether or not they'd like cake. Looking back, Applejack realized the conversation was missing something, as if there should have been somepony telling them how tentacled mouth-suckers would make very poor ocular sensors, or the likelihood they would possess something akin to cake would be very slim. Realization dawned on her and she franticly looked towards the crater.....finding it empty save for the alien object. “Uh, g-girls....where's Twi?”

As the other mares took on their own worried countenances, they heard Twilight scream for help, before a strange and terrifying sound boomed through the forest, causing their ears to flatten against their skulls. It sounded like loud thunderclaps in impossibly quick succession, followed by what sounded like the din of a struggle intermixed with screams and shouts. In unison, they all shouted “Twilight!!!”, before racing off towards the sound.

*********

Twilight tried desperately to still the beating of her heart as she gazed upon the face of the creature that saved her.....the same creature from her dream. Other then the shaggy white mane and beard he possessed, he seemed to be hairless, no coat of fur, just pale whitish-tan flesh. Part of her wondered what he'd have to do to get that kind of complexion, live in a cave and eat nothing but chalk? He had no muzzle to speak of, merely a small, pointed nose in the middle of his face, right above a set of thin lips and between two kidney shaped ears lying flush against the sides of his skull. The scholarly part of her brain noted he might have been some kind of highly-evolved primate, having learned to walk erect and losing their fur as they grew more advanced. But what struck her the most as being alien were his eyes. They were smaller then a pony's, but the colouration was the most striking. They were a sickly, pale yellowish colour, with pupils a bit too small and irises a bit too big. Even what she assumed would have been the whites of his eyes were a shade of that hideous, jaundiced yellow, only differing enough in pigment to be discernible from his irises. But...the longer she looked at them, the more ponyish emotion she could discern from them. Compassion, a hint of nervousness maybe, and even.....

.....sadness.

“Well....” he said, startling her out of her reverie. “I, uh...guess introductions are in order. I'm Doctor Phillip Ackerman, but, um, you can just call me Phil” he said with no small amount of nervousness, while flashing a hesitant smile. It was then that she noticed his teeth were pointed. He seemed to reach his claw out towards her, then just held it there, as if waiting for something. She noticed his outstretched claw, and remembered something she'd read a while ago, something about a minotaur greeting, where they'd grasp each other's claws as a sign of respect. Realizing he was still waiting for a response, she hesitantly placed her hoof in his claw. “Uh...T-twilight Sparkle” she answered, and she nearly flinched when he grasped her hoof, before giving it a light shake and releasing it.

An odd look crossed his face for a moment, before he responded “That's a...that's a pretty name.....not like 'Phil', sounds to much like 'pill'. And 'Ackerman', eew, sounds almost like 'Ack! It's him!'” he smiled at her again, and Twilight couldn't help but giggle at his lame joke. “See, I'm...I'm not that scary. I'm actually quite nice when you get to know me” the creature that had pointed it's weapon at her snorted derisively, but 'Phil' silenced him with a glare.

“Well, self-deprecation is usually an effective way of breaking the ice” she responded with her own hesitant smile, some of the tension leaving her at the realization that she wasn't in any immediate danger.....for now. To be honest, he still scared the buck out of her.

“Well doctor, even though watching you flirt with a talking, purple horse isn't nauseating in the slightest” Twilight didn't know whether or not to be insulted at that “we do have a mission to complete” said 'captain', before turning to one of the other creatures. “Ramirez! Do you have the experimental memory-scrubber?”

“Right here, captain!” he responded with enthusiasm, pulling from some kind of pouch around his barrel a long, metallic tube. With a press of a button, dozens of barbed spikes shot out of the tip, as well as several long, serrated blades that seemed to vibrate. Phil stood up and glared at them, standing between Twilight and his compatriots.

“I thought we agreed not to bring that thing! It's dangerous!”

“Don't be silly. Only twenty percent of test subjects suffered any kind of permanent brain damage. It's perfectly safe” was captain's nonchalant response.

“Oh really? What about the subjects whose frontal cortex melted and oozed out of their nose?”

“Oh please! Only two percent of subjects experienced such an extreme response, well within normal operating parameters.”

“And do you know how it would affect an alien? No, you don't, so we're not using it and that's final.”

“Remember who is in command here, doctor. Now, Miss, kindly hold still as we permanently and violently erase the last two to four hours of your memory.”

'I knew I shouldn't have lowered that energy field'

Although Phil still stood in his way, the creature with the spiky-tube-y-thing slowly advanced on her. Backing up against the fallen tree behind her, wings flared in fear and sweat pouring down her face, Twilight said the first thing that came to mind so as to prevent the literal mind-rape.

“W-would it c-change your mind if I told you I was a p-princess?”

At this Phil spun around to face her with a shocked expression, 'captain' gave a start, and the one with the mind-raping implement stopped dead in his tracks. “Uh....captain?” the creature said, obviously conditioned to defer to superiors in all situations.

“She's probably lying. Continue with the procedure” captain said in an emotionless monotone. Before the creature could follow through on those orders, Phil took advantage of his hesitation, grabbing the device from his claw before using his own to crush it to pieces in a freakish display of strength.

“Hey! I was using that!”

“Doctor what the hell are you doing?! That thing cost four times your yearly salary!!”

Phil turned to his compatriot with a serious look on his features. “Article 12, subsection 3, fourth paragraph of the United Nations Alliance Exploration Forces Charter: 'If it were to serve the interests of diplomacy with a sentient race of extraterrestrial origin, the Chief Alien Relations Liaison has the authority to outrank any and all other officers of the fleet save a joint order from the fleet's admiral and all captains of major vessels.' So, in essence, suck it Statin, I'm in charge. I only wish I had remembered that when you decided to blow up the probe” he said the words quickly and surely, as if he was reciting from something by memory (save the 'suck it' part of course), and he ended with a smug smirk on his face. If Twilight could see the captain (who apparently was called 'Statin')'s face, she was sure it'd be a mixture of rage, frustration, and utter disbelief.

“Wha...hugga...wag..hub...aza..huggaba....God damn you and your near perfect recall!!!” Statin finally managed to form a coherent sentence after that rambling train wreck of frustrated gibberish.

“What? You didn't think I'd actually read the manual they gave me? And take that damn helmet off! You're scaring her!”

“I don't think it's me doctor-”

“Just do it!” With a frustrated sigh, Statin let go of his weapon, apparently it being on a strap slung around his shoulders, and removed his helmet before clipping it to his belt. Twilight's eyes widened again, not in fear but surprise. What a contrast! Where as Phil's skin was a deathly, pale white, the one called Statin's was a ruddy pinkish-tan. Where Phil had his ragged mane and beard of bleached fur, his visage was completely hairless. And the scars! This Statin was covered in them! From what Twilight could see he was more scar tissue then actual flesh. 'Maybe they practice some kind of ritual scarification' she mused, though she could not detect any noticeable pattern. But that wasn't the most striking difference, no, that would be the eyes. Where Phil's eyes were like what she imagined an alien's would be like, with their odd shapes and sickly, nauseating colour, Statin's were.....normal. Although they were much smaller, his bright green eyes wouldn't look out of place on a pony, and even looked similar to Applejack's. Twilight wracked her brain to fathom why there would be such an extreme difference between the two, coming up empty-hoofed. A pony's colouration could be and often was vastly different then the next's, but at least you could tell they were the same species, and ponies and dragons were the only two races on Equuis that displayed such extreme differences in colouration. Were there multiple sub-species maybe? Only further inquiry would tell.

“Ok!” Twilight interrupted the budding argument suddenly, hoping to take charge of the situation. “I think I have a right to know the answers to a few questions: first off, who are you, what are you, and where the buck did you come from?”

Phil looked impressed at her assertiveness, before turning to Statin with a smile. “Ha! I like this one. She's feisty.”

“Just answer the darn questions!” Twilight surprised herself by shouting at them. Maybe the utter strangeness of this whole situation was beginning to wear on her. Or was it that she just saw over half a dozen living creatures torn to shreds in an excessively violent manner?

“Alright, alright” Phil said to her, whilst making a placating gesture with his claws. “I'll answer a few questions, as long as you promise to answer mine when the time comes, eh? Tit for tat.” Twilight was nervous to be indebted to this creature more then she already was, but seeing as she really had no other choice, she nodded her assent. “Who are we? Well you already know that I'm Dr. Phillip Ackerman, this is my associate Captain Bert Statin, of the UNASF, which stands for-”

“United Nations Alliance Space Forces” Twilight finished for him with an unreadable expression.

“How'd you know that?” he said confused.

“We, uh...found your tubey thing out in the forest” she responded sheepishly.

“Ah, the landing capsule. Anyways, we'll deal with that in a minute. That's me, Statin, and these are.....” Phil paused for a moment as he gestured to the two creatures who had yet to remove their helmets. “Two anonymous henchmen of no importance.”

“Hey!”

“We have names ya know!”

“Well yes, but why should I bother to learn them, hhmm? A little respect goes a long way.”

“What's that supposed to mean?” one of them said confusedly.

“If I am correct in inferring what the good doctor means by that, I believe it was something along the lines of 'If you don't treat him with respect, why should he return the favour?'” interjected Statin.

“But-!”

“Zip it! Important inter-species diplomacy happening here” Phil cut them off before another argument could start. “Well, that's who we are. Now to answer both remaining questions. To put it simply, we are humans from the planet Earth!” he finished dramatically with a wave of his claw.

Other then the sound of Twilight's jaw almost literally hitting the forest floor, utter silence reigned throughout the clearing for several awkward moments. “H-h-humans?” she stuttered finally, her wide-eyed expression a mixture of shock, amazement, and what seemed like a hint of....fear.

“I see our reputation precedes us” Phil said with a smirk, which quickly turned to a confused frown. His eyes started darting back and forth as if arranging pieces of information in his head, before responding. “Wait....how exactly can our reputation precede us?”

“You guys are supposed to be a...a... myth!”

“Hey! I resent that!” said one of the masked 'humans', before Statin gave him a casual punch to the back of his head.

“Now I'm no expert on such matters, doctor, but how in the flying fuck could they possibly know what we are? Isn't that, you know, fucking impossible” was Statin's colourful response to but one of many questions that were growing exponentially by the second.

“Interesting....very interesting.....” Phil said distractedly whilst stroking his beard, obviously deep in thought. “To us, they resemble creatures from our mythologies, namely unicorns and pegasi, while to them, we are the myth. At first glance, we apparently share many aspects of culture and society and even a language. Even a simpleton could realize that there is obviously some kind of..... connection between our two worlds. But that's.....impossible. Further investigation is required” He noted to himself, seemingly ignorant of the other creatures present in the clearing.

“Umm, doctor? If you could come out of your little, personal thought-castle for a second, we still kind of, you know, need to figure out what we're going to do regarding the....um, what exactly do you call your species, anyways?” said Statin, turning to look at Twilight who was still regarding them with a quizzical, and somewhat fearful expression.

“Uh....w-we're called ponies” she responded nervously.

“Oh great, they're ponies” Statin said exasperatedly. One of the masked humans started giggling to himself, before (once again) Statin silenced him with a glare. Phil was brought from his thoughts and Statin from his grumbling when once more Twilight spoke up.

“S-so you're....a-aliens, right? W-what do you want from us?” This statement seemed to bring Phil out of his 'thought-castle', as Statin put it, and to revitalize the sort of manic energy he seemed to carry himself with.

“Well, I suppose from you're point of view, we're the aliens. As for why we're here, well...we are...peaceful explorers” he stated carefully. Whether he did so out of a desire for her to not misunderstand their intentions or out of a deliberate attempt to deceive her, she couldn't tell.

“Explorers?” Twilight wasn't entirely convinced. Ancient Pre-Equestrian folktales, from which the myth of Humans originated, painted them as immensely powerful beings, and the very definition of capriciousness, as likely to aid a lost traveler as bludgeon her over the head and eat her for supper. They weren't evil per se, merely creatures of passion, uncontrollable in their pursuit of whatever odd or lofty goal they set their minds to. Their power did not stem from magical ability, quite the opposite in fact. They were said to possess the strength of a hundred stallions, coupled with a keen intellect, an endless sense of curiosity, and a near immunity to magic of any kind. They could shrug off a channeled lightning bolt as easily as a spring breeze. In many fables of a moral bent, they usually played a pivotal role in teaching the protagonist a valuable lesson, whether intentionally or inadvertently, though they just as often played the role of a monster or villain the heroine had to overcome through wit or guile. She had a hard time believing they came here by accident.

Though....on the other hoof, if there really was an entire planet of humans out there somewhere, and the legends were true about their boundless thirst for knowledge, then maybe they really were explorers.

“Yes, explorers” as Phil said this, a strange look crossed over his face, before he smiled again, showing pointed canines. “We were exploring the vastness of....space......the final frontier. We came on the voyages of the starship Jormungand. On it's continuing mission to explore strange new worlds. To seek out new life and new civilizations. To boldly go where no man has gone before!!” he finished by thrusting his clenched claw into the air and looking towards the heavens with a determined look, almost as ifa dramatic theme song were to blare out upon the end of his statement. Twilight and the two masked humans seemed confused, while Statin grumbled and did what must have been the human equivalent of a face-hoof.

“Did you just make a Star Trek reference?” Phil turned to him, still smiling from ear to ear.

“Maybe.”

“You know, doctor, you really are weird.”

“Thank you.”

“Ughh.....that wasn't a compliment....”

“Well I'm taking it as one to preserve our friendship” Phil said with a mocking smile. "Anywho....” he said as he spun on his heel to face Twilight once more, a motion she found rather strange. “As I said, or at least inferred, we come in pea-”

“HOLD ON TWILIGHT!!!!!” screamed a voice from the treeline, right as a polychromatic blur came speeding out to impact Phil's head mid sentence, pitching him onto the ground unceremoniously.

“The doc's down!!”

“Tango sighted!!”

“Now that's what I call an entrance” Rainbow said smugly with her forelimbs crossed over her chest. It took a moment for her to notice the three armoured behemoths pointing what could be assumed to be extremely deadly weapons at her, as well as the three little red dots zoning in directly over her midsection. Upon noticing aforementioned things, she promptly froze for a few seconds, eyes going wide and pupils shrinking, before her usual bravado reasserted itself.

“Rainbow....” Twilight said as calmly as she could. “Don't. Move.” For a tense moment they all just stood there, until a grown could be heard, as Phil lifted his arm up from where he was sprawled on the ground.

“Hold your fire!” he said in a muffled, and somewhat more nasally, voice. Picking himself of the ground, he stretched his neck, most likely to realign the bones (that was if they had bones, as Twilight wasn't going to jump to any conclusions), eliciting a horrid cracking sound. Twilight then noticed a thin stream of reddish liquid, presumably blood, dribbling out of his nose and staining his beard. Noticing this himself, he dabbed two digits to his nose to check his injury. It was at this time that the rest of Twilight's friends arrived, having finally caught up with their speedy compatriot.

“Get away from Twilight, ya two-legged varmints!!” cried Applejack as she took up a combat-ready pose.

“Ya! Leave her alone!” was surprisingly yelled by Fluttershy of all ponies.

“Wait, girls-!” Twilgiht desperately tried to get the situation under control, but was cut off.

“We won't let you hurt her!” cried all five of them at once, even Rainbow, despite literally staring down the barrel of the humans' weapons.

“They definitely have guts, I'll give them that” thought Twilight, more then a little touched at the gesture.

“Doctor! Permission to treat the aliens as hostile!” shouted Statin, actually remembering that Phil was in command.

“Permission denied!” Phil raised his arms while standing between the two parties, in what was obviously supposed to be a calming gesture, before continuing. “Everyone calm down. Take a chill pill. If they're actually needed I do have several I can spare.” That last part confused pretty much everyone present, which was probably Phil's goal. Twilight could tell he must have possessed some strange, convoluted, yet ultimately effective logic.

“Ok.....no one jump the gun here. We don't want this to turn into one of those 'bad' first contact situations we all read about, now do we. Besides, I think we all know who'd come out on top in that scrap...” he mentioned off-handedly.

“You sayin' I can't take you, you freaky albino monkey?!” shouted Rainbow, nearly shoving her snout in Phil's face. Twilight used her telekinesis to drag Dash to the ground by the tail, before fixing her with a cold stare.

“Dash! Cool it!! FYI, they weren't the ones who attacked me. They, or more specifically, that 'freaky albino monkey', saved me. If it wasn't for Dr. Phil here, you'd probably need an alan wrench and a manual to put me back together like a piece of Ponkea furniture, and you know how those things are always missing pieces.”

“Quite right....um, your majesty” Phil said, more reserved then he had been a moment ago. Twilight was confused as to what she said that could have upset him. “And, um, please....don't call me Dr. Phil. You can call me Phil or Dr. Ackerman, or even just 'doc', but not.....that, please.” His voice was somewhat strained as he said this, and he wasn't looking her in the eye when he said it, instead staring at his armoured feet.

“O-oh, I'm sorry if I offended you” Twilight responded, still somewhat frightened of these creatures and their obvious physical superiority.

“Oookaay.....Twilight, mind explaining what's going on here?” was Dash's response to that awkward exchange.

“Yes darling, if you could explain who these nice......um...'stallions' are, and what exactly they saved you from, that'd be grand” said Rarity with as much poshness as she could muster given the current situation. The other ponies all chorused their agreement, while the humans still held their weapons at the ready. Phil looked annoyed and jerked Statin's weapon down by the barrel, the other two humans following suit, lest they rouse the doctor's ire.

“Well, um....I guess you girls haven't noticed the clearing yet” Twilight said nervously.

“What's so strange....about....the.......clearing....” Fluttershy started at a somewhat normal volume, but her words got quieter and farther apart as she looked around.....and caught sight of the mangled worg corpses.

“Those look like timber wolves” said Rainbow, seemingly unfazed, unlike Fluttershy, who had gone so still that she could have been mistaken for a rather colourful statue, or Rarity, who was currently puking in a nearby bush while Applejack held her mane.

“Duh, those aren't timber wolves, they're timber worgs, silly!” was Pinkie's response to the carnage, also seemingly unfazed, as she bounced up to the nearest one and nudged it with a hoof. “See, they're all smoothy-loozey and not all blocky-wocky.”

“How'd you now that, Pinkie?” asked Twilight confusedly. Timber worgs were not a well known creature outside of scholarly circles.

“Oh, we used to get them up on the rock farm. They'd usually just gnaw on the rocks when food was scarce, but ol' Pappy Pie taught me how to put a crossbow bolt right between their eyes if need be” she said wistfully, as if remembering a fond childhood memory.

“I....didn't know you were so skilled with weapons, Pinkie Pie” said Twilight, more then a little weirded out.

“Yeah, no wonder you always beat me at horseshoes” said Dash, again apparently unfazed by the revelation.

“Oh, that's nothing! I can show ya how to use their hides to make a nice set of croquet mallets!”

“That won't be necessary!” Twilight said hurriedly. “Anyways, the worgs tricked me into coming out here by pretending to be a pony in distress, before they ambushed me. If Phil hadn't come to save me when he heard me scream for help, I wouldn't have been able to the hold the force field for much longer, and, well.....worgs don't leave much of their meals behind.”

“Good thing I came along when I did, I suppose” Phil said, pausing before he continued, his nose still dribbling that reddish blood that looked oh so much like a pony's. “As I was saying before I was rather rudely laid low by a multi-hued bullet with obvious questionable sexual orientation-”

“What's that supposed to mean?” Dash said rather annoyed.

“Ah think he just called ya gay, there, RD” Applejack said, not even trying to hide the smirk.

“WHAT?! Why I outta-!”

“Dash, what'd I say about cooling it? If he can tear half a dozen worgs to pieces with his bare claws, how'd you think he'd handle a pony?” Dash grumbled something about filly-foolers but overall relented.

“Now, as I was saying, we come in-”

“Sorry to interrupt....uh, darling, but neither you nor Twilight explained what exactly you...well, are” said a rather nervous Rarity.

Phil groaned and ran his claw over his face. “We're-”

“Hold on a second!” said Twilight excitedly. “I want to see if they can guess” she finished with a smirk.

“Am I gonna be allowed to finish a damn sent-!”

“Darling, how are we supposed to guess the name of a creature we've never seen before?” said Rarity, still rather confused.

“Yeah, we're not all eggheads like you, Twi” was Rainbow's response, whilst hovering above them.

“Ah gotta agree with RD and Rares there. Ah always expected aliens ta look like green ponies with antenna and bee wings, er somethin'”

“But you have seen them before! Think about it; two legs, two claws, no fur, flat-faced?”

“Hey! Who you callin' flat-faced?!” shouted one of the masked humans.

“Oh shut it!” shouted Phil in return. “Can we maybe hurry this guessing game along? I'm rather hungry and I've got a chicken sandwich waiting for me back on the shuttle.”

“You eat chickens?!” gasped Fluttershy.

“Yes, we are an omnivorous species, if that gives any kind of hint” Phil said, starting to sound rather annoyed. After a moment he said further “......why? Are chickens sapient here? Am I going to be tried for murder in some chicken court? Because I assure you that that chicken was far from self-aware.....dumb as a post more like it....” he muttered the last part under his breath.

“W-well gryphons and minotaurs are omnivorous, so I guess that's not so bad” Fluttershy said rather meekly, probably thinking of her pet chickens back home.

“Wait, you have gryphons and minotaurs here?”

“I got it!” cried Dash. “They're the shapeshifting Ur-ponies from the planet Remulak!”

Twilight groaned. “Rainbow, this is not Invasion from Planet Remulak! If they could change shape, wouldn't they just take the shape of a normal pony, and not a bald ape?”

“Oh yeah. Well, I'm out of guesses.”

“Yeah me too, darling.”

“Ah got no idea, sugercube.”

“Oh come on! You girls can't give up that easily!” cried Twilight exasperatedly.

“Ooh! Ooh! I know! They're the shapeshifting Ur-ponies from-!”

“I already guessed that, Pinkie.”

“Ah dang.”

“Arrgh....you all know nothing of pre-Equestrian mythology” muttered a defeated Twilight. “Fine, I'll tell you. They're humans.” A collective gasp came from the assembled ponies, their expressions ranging from excitement, to wonder, to fear.

“H-h-h-humans!” squeaked Fluttershy, now trying to squish herself down and hide in her own shadow.

“Pfft....I thought humans were supposed to be scary” was Dash's unimpressed comment. As she turned though, she came snout-to-nose with Phil, his sickly eyes gleaming at her while he smiled a very disturbing, pointed tooth smile.

“Come here, little morsel. I don't bite...” he said to her in a very 'serial killer'-ish voice, before his tongue came out to lick away the blood from his nose, and then smearing it on his teeth.

“EEEEKKK!!!” Rainbow shrieked like a filly, only for her expression to morph from terrified to angry when Phil burst out laughing.

“Oh man! That was great! You should've seen your face! Priceless!” he said between laughs, very much like a certain dragon-horsey-snakey-thing they were all too familiar with. “Statin, Statin....Get a picture of me with, uh, 'Rainbow' here on your iCam!” he said while putting his arm around Rainbow, her squirming doing nothing for his iron grip.

“Doctor, I'd say you have a concussion, but.....then again, you're always this crazy.”

“It's true, I am” he said with a mirth-filled smile while turning to her. “Now just do it! Come on! I'll make it an order if I have to.” Statin sighed and then looked straight at them with a deadpanned expression. His right eye began to glow softly before quickly turning bright white for a moment, before he blinked and it was back to normal.

“Good. Now be a doll and email that to me” Phil said while releasing an annoyed (and still somewhat shaken) Rainbow.

“I don't know why you don't just get one yourself.”

“I've already told you, my body rejects cybernetics.”

“Right, on account of the-”

“Anywho!” Phil interrupted him, while turning to the ponies once again. “To summarize, we are humans from the planet Earth, we come in peace, yadda yadda yadda. Now let's get down to the nitty-gritty” he said as he clapped his claws together. “We were the ones who sent the probe, the explosion was a....misunderstanding. We would like it, as well as the landing capsule, back as a gesture of good faith. We would also like to arrange a meeting between our respective leaderships, if that is possible.”

“A meeting with the princesses? I....think that can be arranged” Twilight said slowly, still a little untrusting of these creatures from beyond the stars.

“So, your country's a....'monarchy', yes?” asked Phil suddenly, his alien eyes betraying a great interest.

“Well, actually more of a diarchy. We're ruled by the Royal Pony Sisters, Celestia and Luna” answered Twilight.

“Now, in your professional opinion, as a princess yourself” Phil continued, rubbing his claws together almost greedily. “A diarchy is functionally and spiritually identical to a monarchy, save there is two rulers instead of one, yes?”

“Kinda....” Twilight answered more hesitantly this time, wondering what he was getting at or what angle he was working.

“Only one more question.”

“Doctor, is this going somewhere?” said Statin sounding rather annoyed. One of the two masked humans began shifting uncomfortably.

“Yes” Phil hissed back at him, before continuing in his detached, scholarly tone. “I mean no offence by this question, but it is for the betterment of science and diplomacy” he smiled an almost predatory smile. “Would you say your society is.....matriarchal in nature.”

Rarity shifted a bit, Fluttershy pawed the ground nervously, and Applejack rubbed the back of her head with a hoof. The topic was an uncomfortable one. Finally Twilight answered. “Well, um, we've made great strides in the past few decades, but traditionally......yes.”

“BOOYEAH!!! Suck it Ramirez, you owe me fifty bucks!!!”

“'Scuse me?” Applejack said incredulously, while Pinkie giggled, Dash guffawed, and the rest blushed.

“I didn't make that bet! It was Sanchez!” said the one human, pointing to the one next to him who had been shifting nervously.

“I don't give a shit which one of you dumb-asses made it, pay up!” said Phil in turn, holding his open claw out towards them.

“Wow! That's racist!” said Dash incredulously, in reference to the dumb-ass remark.

“B-but you heard her! She said it was kinda like a m-monarchy!”

“Face it! You lost to the freak, now give me my goddamn money!”

“Wait, your money's called 'bucks'” said Twilight skeptically.

Phil seemed to notice the ponies were actually there, turning to them with a confused look. “What? Oh, no, we use UNA credits, a single currency used throughout all human-populated worlds. Except New Quebec, but nobody pays attention to those bastards.”

“Yes, but the doctor insists on using that outdated and silly canadian slang” said Statin, his annoyance factor steadily rising.

“Hey, I'm proud to be a canadian, eh. Now pay up, Ramiro- Sancha-..... mexican guy.”

“B-but-!”

“Do it! Or I'll seriously reconsider my 'no-eye-gouging' policy!”

“Doctor....” Statin said in a warning tone.

“That was a joke!” The human quickly retrieved another pouch from along his belt, and shakily threw it to Phil, who caught it as the pouch's contents made a sort of plastic-y jingling sound. “Oohoo, sweet, sweet microchips” he mused as he gauged the pouch's weight.

“Anyways, there is one more thing before our business is concluded for now” he said as he clipped the pouch to his own belt. “We are to meet at the probe landing capsule's impact site at exactly noon tomorrow. I expect you all to be there along with you leaders, and no one else. Period. No one outside the highest positions of your government are to even know anything at all transpired here. Are we understood?” he finished menacingly.

“Y-yes” the assembled ponies chorused in unison.

“Good” he said cheerfully. “Now, if you'll excuse us, we have arrangements to make. We shall see you tomorrow. And try not to get eaten on your way home.” With this Phil put his helmet back on, Statin following suit, before retrieving his weapon and the spent cartridge.

“And remember, we were never here.....” he said in a tone of faux-mysteriousnous while waving his arms about slowly.

“Modulators on” droned Statin, and after the four creatures touched a device on their respective wrists, they disappeared with a faint sparking shimmer, leaving the ponies alone in the forest......

.......before a low-hanging tree branch at the edge of the clearing snapped suddenly and violently.

“OWW!!! Modulators off! Modulators off!”

“You okay doctor?”

“Yeah....why didn't you warn me about that branch?”

“That's for calling me 'doll'....”

And with some muttered grumblings from the good doctor, the humans once more disappeared from sight......

Tea Time, Mayonnaise, and Thoughts of Bloodshed

“More tea, your majesty?”

“Why yes, thank you Mr. Pennyhoof” Celestia’s voice was like the most beautiful of music, as per usual, as she sat in the royal dining room enjoying her tea. Luna sat across from her, sipping on her own piping hot beverage. The royal sisters were enjoying a rare moment when neither of them was busy with their duties, to instead simply sit quietly and enjoy each other’s company, and the peaceful atmosphere that came from a day they knew would not herald something big, massive, nor world-shatteringly important that would force them to rethink everything they thought they knew about the multiverse. Mr. Pennyhoof, Celestia’s royal butler, stood at the ready beside the table, a tray floating in his telekinetic aura, atop which stood several teapots, sugar, honey, stirrers, tea spoons, and any other tea-related accessory one would ever need for tea (including many that the average, non-tea-butler-trained observer would never have guessed was related to tea).

“So sister, I was speaking to the ambassador from Mino-” Celestia began speaking after taking a sip from her refilled cup, but a green flame suddenly flew through the window and stopped in front of her face, before coalescing into a rolled up scroll with an audible ‘pop’.

“A letter from Twilight?” asked Luna, taking a sip from her own tea.

“It would appear so” Celestia responded sounding somewhat on edge.

“Something the matter sister?”

“Oh...um, no, I just hope Twilight is alright after that trip to the Everfree” Celestia unrolled the scroll and took a sip from her cup, but after reading the first few words, she immediately spat the recently-imbibed tea out in shock…..and directly into Mr. Pennyhoof’s face by accident.

“Hhmmggngh….shall I go fetch a tea-towel, your highness?” Pennyhoof’s solemn, dignified demeanor didn’t falter in the slightest, besides the grunt, even though the tea was scaldingly hot. Alicorns could stand a lot higher temperatures than normal ponies, afterall.

“....Uh….” was Celestia’s only response, her smile having completely evaporated as she read the letter, instead being replaced by a complete numbness brought about by massive shock.

“What is it sister? Is Twilight alright?” asked Luna, concern etched upon her features. Celestia responded by levitating the letter over to Luna. Of course Luna made the same mistake of taking a sip of tea before reading.

“Hhhmmgmmhmhghg” again Pennyhoof received an impromptu scalding tea bath, and again not even a single crack appeared on his stoic features. “If you will excuse me, your majesties” Pennyhoof quietly and with dignity made his way out of the room, the royal sisters too shocked to even acknowledge his departure. As he left, his stride unfaltering, he quietly closed the door with a soft ‘click’.

The cry of “OH DEAR HEAVENS!!!! IT BURNS!!!!!” was heard, but neither sister even moved. Both sat staring at the letter, now resting on the table between them. Luna was the first to break the silence.

“W-what do you think it means, sister? C-could it be….real?”

“Twilight has never lied to me before” Celestia responded, still rather unnerved, as she reread the letter to make sure she didn’t miss anything. “But whatever it means, we must go to Ponyville at once.”

“I know you’re white, but do you have to act so….super white?”

Phil looked up mid-bite from the breaded chicken on a kaiser bun he held in his hands, a thick glob of mayonnaise falling to the paper plate beneath it on the table. Letting out an annoyed sigh, Phil placed the chicken sandwich back on the plate, and turned to the the one who had addressed him. “What do you mean, Sanchez?”

“I’m Ramirez! I thought you’d at least be able to tell us apart with our helmets off!”

“You’re twins!! For god’s sake cut me some slack! You’re not the one with the concussion!”

Currently, there were three of them sitting in the landing shuttle’s ‘rec’ room, really the only room in the shuttle besides the cockpit, the officer’s cabin, and the infirmary/restroom. The two marines, Sanchez and Ramirez, sat across from Phil behind a metal table, still in uniform but unarmoured, whilst Phil was wearing a t-shirt and boxer shorts underneath a grey bathrobe. The shuttle’s medical droid had insisted that he undergo a complete physical analysis, which at first Phil had complied with, that is until it told him to undress completely, at which point he had hit the manual override switch and had settled for the much lower-tech but still effective ‘tissue paper shoved up the nose’ technique. Statin wasn’t with them, he was instead informing the Admiral via commlink what had transpired on the planet’s surface.

“Yeah, but don’t you have super amazing healing powers or something?” said the ‘real’ Sanchez. Phil swore they were just screwing with him.

“First off, they’re not powers. I just have advanced regenerative capabilities based solely on the rapid cellular mitosis caused by my altered genetic structure. There’s nothing magical about it” Phil said rather annoyed.

“You understand any o’ that, bro?” said one brother to the other.

“Nah, but it’s still creepy as fuck.”

“I’m sitting right here!!”

“Anyways, what I was saying doc was you got that thing slathered in enough mayonnaise to choke a Reaganist! And they gotta eat that stuff for their religion!”

“So?! I like mayonnaise! Just because I don’t conform to all stereotypes doesn’t mean I can’t conform to some of them” Phil responded bitterly, clearly unamused. He had dealt with ignorant ‘normals’ before, and these two idiots were no where near the worst, but they were definitely some of the most annoying. The entire exploration fleet consisted of 137 vessels, with a total population of roughly 43 million, and of all the multitudes of humans the captain and admiral could have chosen, they chose these two thick-headed, intolerant, snobbish, pea-brained, self-absorbed, obnoxious cun-

“HE DID WHAT?!?!?!?!?”

…...and all of a sudden Phil’s mood got a lot worse.

“PHILLIP!! GET YOUR MUTATED, ALBINO ASS IN HERE!!!!”

“Com-ing~!” Phil said in a mock sing-song tone. Standing up with a grimace, Phil began to head towards the officer’s cabin, but then gave the two marines a ‘touch my sandwich and die’ look before leaving. Taking one look at his death glare, the marines shifted back in their seats and avoided the sandwich as if it carried some horrible, virulent contagion.

Upon entering the cabin, Phil was greeted with the sight of Statin standing by a table and chair, rubbing his sore temples, while being projected from the ship’s computer was a rectangular screen of holographic energy, upon which was plastered an image of the admiral. A very, very angry admiral. Judging from the colour and look of his face, he was most certainly not happy. Phil knew that by all medical logic, steam should’ve been shooting out of his ears.

“Howdy admiral, how was your morn-”

“Phillip” the admiral said in a low, menacing voice. “Sit. Now.”

“I prefer to stan-”

“Sit.” Doing as he was told for once, Phil took the seat behind the table next to Statin.

“Now, tell me, Phillip” the admiral began, his tone conveying pleasant conversation, but in truth held a barely contained rage threatening to boil over. “You’re a very smart man. I’ve had people tell me you’re a smart man. I’ve seen that you’re a smart man. So tell me, in all honesty, how stupid are you!!! You disobeyed a direct, fucking order, from both me and yourself no less. Ever since we left Sol your attitude has been nothing but a constant irritation, your very presence a blow to morale. I am surprised with myself that I even gave you that damn job! And I-!”

“I earned this job on my own merit!” Phil ground out, any humor he had felt at the situation having completely evaporated. The admiral was not impressed.

“You are only here because your father made me promise that I’d take care of you, and I may have neglected that promise for most of your life, but it says more to my own stupidity that I’d suddenly take it seriously now with something so important. If your father was still alive to see you now-”

Phil slammed his hands down on the table so hard they left fist-shaped dents in the metal. Standing up with a low, menacing, and decidedly inhuman growl issuing from his throat, Phil gazed directly into the admiral’s eyes, an eerie, determined fire blazing in those jaundiced orbs. Every muscle on his body was taught, his lips turned up in a snarl, his entire countenance evoking the feeling of primal, untamed savagery, barely-restrained and feral.

“All my LIFE I’ve heard people talk about the great ‘Jonathan Ackerman’. Hero of the Second Arcadian War. One of the most decorated soldiers in the whole of recent UNA history. I’ve also heard about how horribly disappointed he’d be if he had lived to see what a hideous freak his son turned into. I’ve been berated, scorned and spat upon for bringing shame to the Ackerman lineage. Well let me tell you something, Joe! My parents chose for me to be like this, because they thought that the life of a freak is better than no life at all! My parents wouldn’t be ashamed, they’d be proud! Proud at what I’ve achieved with the hand I’ve been dealt. At the age of twenty-five I have two Phds, three master’s degrees, speak twentythree languages, and just single-handedly opened up relations with the first alien race ever encountered by humanity! I am not a freak, I am fucking EXCEPTIONAL!!”

After that outburst, silence reigned throughout the entire shuttle. With the anger slowly ebbing out of him, Phil slumped back into the chair, not meeting anyone’s gaze, instead staring at his hands. Statin appeared shocked, and maybe a little frightened. The doctor was known to have quite a temper, it was an enduring stereotype about people like him, but he had never seen him like that, filled with so much righteous anger that it looked as if he was ready to tear the admiral’s throat out with his bare teeth. Yes Phil could be unpredictable, eccentric, downright insane at times, and had just been shown to be more than a little terrifying, but Statin knew he really was good at his job, and always meant to do the right thing, whether it was a good idea or not. He had the sort of old world honour that was deserving of respect yet garnered far too little. With Phil’s words still ringing in his head, Statin thought that someone had to stand up for the guy, god knows no one really had his whole life. With a pang of mixed sadness and guilt, Statin realized that out of the fleet’s 43 million crew, he was really the closest thing Phil had to a friend.

“Was it really necessary to bring up his father, Joseph?” Statin spoke to the admiral with a familiarity reserved only for long-time friends and colleagues. “With everything the poor sap has been through, his mother, that goddamned dick of a grandfather, that really was below the belt.”

“Don’t talk as if I’m not here” Phil didn’t sound angry, more tired, as if that outburst had drained him of whatever energy he ran on.

“In my professional opinion, no one in the whole fleet could’ve handled that situation better than Phil. He saved the life of what turned out to be a high-ranking member of their royalty, and managed to arrange a meeting with their leadership. If anything this turned out better than if we had studied them and just dropped out of the sky to say hello.”

The admiral’s look of anger was slowly fading, being replaced with concern. “Phillip…” he said slowly, almost like a parent speaking to their child. “Have...have you been taking your medication?”

“Of course I’ve been taking my fucking medication!” Phil said with a filthy look at the admiral, before sighing and running his hands over his face.

“Well, we may have to look into upping the dosage” the admiral’s concern was rather surprising for Phil. Of course he had been concerned for Phil’s well being before, after that…...ugliness three and a half years ago, but since then he had reverted to the attitude that he was more a burden than anything else. Phil would’ve scoffed at the fact that he seemed to care now after turning a blind eye to Jessica’s constant needling during every staff meeting, but he was too tired to think more about anything to do with that bitch. She had caused him so much pain and anguish, and she got to walk around like she owned the place while he was the crazy freak who everybody avoided.

“Well” the admiral said after a moment of thought. “I suppose it can’t be helped now. What happened in the forest, not your medication, I mean. You said noon tomorrow, correct? I need to make the arrangements. But I’ll be back in twenty minutes, and I want you to tell me every single detail you noticed about these…..’ponies’, no matter how inconsequential! Understood?” The two men nodded.

“Good. Admiral A-”

“Just…..just go….” Phil cut him off. “No need for formalities, admiral.” The admiral looked slightly perturbed, but just let it slide. He couldn’t exactly blame Phil for not liking to be reminded, no matter how insulting it was. With a press of a button on his side, the screen displaying the admiral vanished, replaced by one showing a simple message of ‘transmission ended’. Conversation over, Statin turned towards the exit.

“I need a drink” he said tiredly.

“Yes, go do that” Statin didn’t respond to Phil’s statement, simply pressing the door control and left, leaving Phil alone in the room. Releasing a long breath, Phil looked down at his hands, examining them. They were somewhat gangly and frail-looking, his pale skin turning to a ghastly white when he clenched his knuckles, with long, slender fingers tipped with nails that tapered to a small point. Despite the frailty of their appearance, those hands could snap steel, and those fingernails more akin to iron-hard claws.

‘Perfect for tearing flesh’ Phil thought grimly to himself.

Just now, he had felt it again. That rage, burning through his soul like an unholy conflagration. It was lucky the admiral hadn’t been in the room. He had wanted so badly to pin the bastard to the ground, to crush his bones and rend his flesh, to rip his arms from their sockets and beat him with them, to wipe that look of disappointment off his face and replace it with one of horror and pain, and most of all to feel his warm blood ooze between his fingers.

Human blood, so similar to that which flowed through Phil’s veins, and yet, so fundamentally different. Thinking on it, it brought up unpleasant and wholly recent memories.

‘Oh god, what happened in that forest….’

Those creatures, those ‘timber worgs’, they were intelligent, sapient, and yet he had butchered them. All with a smile on his face. Phil shivered. The violence, the carnage, it made his blood sing. He was born for it.

‘Maybe mom and dad shouldhave let me die….’

No. He wasn’t like this. It was this place, this planet, it was…..doing something to him. But he could control it, his will was strong. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath, counted to ten, and let it out.

He had a meeting to prepare for.