Exceptional

        “Okay darling, I believe we can agree to disagree about whether or not winged aliens with purple tentacled mouth-suckers for eyes would be 'cool' or not. Personally what I think-”

        “Sorry ta interrupt, sugercube, but Ah feel as if we're forgettin' somethin'....somethin' real important” Applejack looked around the clearing warily whilst rubbing her chin with her hoof. The past ten minutes had been spent discussing what the aliens would look like, what kind of society they would have, whether they could fly, how cool it'd be if they could fly, and whether or not they'd like cake. Looking back, Applejack realized the conversation was missing something, as if there should have been somepony telling them how tentacled mouth-suckers would make very poor ocular sensors, or the likelihood they would possess something akin to cake would be very slim. Realization dawned on her and she franticly looked towards the crater.....finding it empty save for the alien object. “Uh, g-girls....where's Twi?”

        As the other mares took on their own worried countenances, they heard Twilight scream for help, before a strange and terrifying sound boomed through the forest, causing their ears to flatten against their skulls. It sounded like loud thunderclaps in impossibly quick succession, followed by what sounded like the din of a struggle intermixed with screams and shouts. In unison, they all shouted “Twilight!!!”, before racing off towards the sound.

                                                *********

        Twilight tried desperately to still the beating of her heart as she gazed upon the face of the creature that saved her.....the same creature from her dream. Other then the shaggy white mane and beard he possessed, he seemed to be hairless, no coat of fur, just pale whitish-tan flesh. Part of her wondered what he'd have to do to get that kind of complexion, live in a cave and eat nothing but chalk? He had no muzzle to speak of, merely a small, pointed nose in the middle of his face, right above a set of thin lips and between two kidney shaped ears lying flush against the sides of his skull. The scholarly part of her brain noted he might have been some kind of highly-evolved primate, having learned to walk erect and losing their fur as they grew more advanced. But what struck her the most as being alien were his eyes. They were smaller then a pony's, but the colouration was the most striking. They were a sickly, pale yellowish colour, with pupils a bit too small and irises a bit too big. Even what she assumed would have been the whites of his eyes were a shade of that hideous, jaundiced yellow, only differing enough in pigment to be discernible from his irises. But...the longer she looked at them, the more ponyish emotion she could discern from them. Compassion, a hint of nervousness maybe, and even.....

.....sadness.

        “Well....” he said, startling her out of her reverie. “I, uh...guess introductions are in order. I'm Doctor Phillip Ackerman, but, um, you can just call me Phil” he said with no small amount of nervousness, while flashing a hesitant smile. It was then that she noticed his teeth were pointed. He seemed to reach his claw out towards her, then just held it there, as if waiting for something. She noticed his outstretched claw, and remembered something she'd read a while ago, something about a minotaur greeting, where they'd grasp each other's claws as a sign of respect. Realizing he was still waiting for a response, she hesitantly placed her hoof in his claw. “Uh...T-twilight Sparkle” she answered, and she nearly flinched when he grasped her hoof, before giving it a light shake and releasing it.

        An odd look crossed his face for a moment, before he responded “That's a...that's a pretty name.....not like 'Phil', sounds to much like 'pill'. And 'Ackerman', eew, sounds almost like 'Ack! It's him!'” he smiled at her again, and Twilight couldn't help but giggle at his lame joke. “See, I'm...I'm not that scary. I'm actually quite nice when you get to know me” the creature that had pointed it's weapon at her snorted derisively, but 'Phil' silenced him with a glare.

        “Well, self-deprecation is usually an effective way of breaking the ice” she responded with her own hesitant smile, some of the tension leaving her at the realization that she wasn't in any immediate danger.....for now. To be honest, he still scared the buck out of her.

        “Well doctor, even though watching you flirt with a talking, purple horse isn't nauseating in the slightest” Twilight didn't know whether or not to be insulted at that “we do have a mission to complete” said 'captain', before turning to one of the other creatures. “Ramirez! Do you have the experimental memory-scrubber?”

        “Right here, captain!” he responded with enthusiasm, pulling from some kind of pouch around his barrel a long, metallic tube. With a press of a button, dozens of barbed spikes shot out of the tip, as well as several long, serrated blades that seemed to vibrate. Phil stood up and glared at them, standing between Twilight and his compatriots.

        “I thought we agreed not to bring that thing! It's dangerous!”

        “Don't be silly. Only twenty percent of test subjects suffered any kind of permanent brain damage. It's perfectly safe” was captain's nonchalant response.

        “Oh really? What about the subjects whose frontal cortex melted and oozed out of their nose?”

        “Oh please! Only two percent of subjects experienced such an extreme response, well within normal operating parameters.”

        “And do you know how it would affect an alien? No, you don't, so we're not using it and that's final.”

        “Remember who is in command here, doctor. Now, Miss, kindly hold still as we permanently and violently erase the last two to four hours of your memory.”

'I knew I shouldn't have lowered that energy field'

Although Phil still stood in his way, the creature with the spiky-tube-y-thing slowly advanced on her. Backing up against the fallen tree behind her, wings flared in fear and sweat pouring down her face, Twilight said the first thing that came to mind so as to prevent the literal mind-rape.

        “W-would it c-change your mind if I told you I was a p-princess?”

        At this Phil spun around to face her with a shocked expression, 'captain' gave a start, and the one with the mind-raping implement stopped dead in his tracks. “Uh....captain?” the creature said, obviously conditioned to defer to superiors in all situations.

        “She's probably lying. Continue with the procedure” captain said in an emotionless monotone. Before the creature could follow through on those orders, Phil took advantage of his hesitation, grabbing the device from his claw before using his own to crush it to pieces in a freakish display of strength.

        “Hey! I was using that!”

        “Doctor what the hell are you doing?! That thing cost four times your yearly salary!!”

        Phil turned to his compatriot with a serious look on his features. “Article 12, subsection 3, fourth paragraph of the United Nations Alliance Exploration Forces Charter: 'If it were to serve the interests of diplomacy with a sentient race of extraterrestrial origin, the Chief Alien Relations Liaison has the authority to outrank any and all other officers of the fleet save a joint order from the fleet's admiral and all captains of major vessels.' So, in essence, suck it Statin, I'm in charge. I only wish I had remembered that when you decided to blow up the probe” he said the words quickly and surely, as if he was reciting from something by memory (save the 'suck it' part of course), and he ended with a smug smirk on his face. If Twilight could see the captain (who apparently was called 'Statin')'s face, she was sure it'd be a mixture of rage, frustration, and utter disbelief.

        “Wha...hugga...wag..hub...aza..huggaba....God damn you and your near perfect recall!!!” Statin finally managed to form a coherent sentence after that rambling train wreck of frustrated gibberish.

        “What? You didn't think I'd actually read the manual they gave me? And take that damn helmet off! You're scaring her!”

        “I don't think it's me doctor-”

        “Just do it!” With a frustrated sigh, Statin let go of his weapon, apparently it being on a strap slung around his shoulders, and removed his helmet before clipping it to his belt. Twilight's eyes widened again, not in fear but surprise. What a contrast! Where as Phil's skin was a deathly, pale white, the one called Statin's was a ruddy pinkish-tan. Where Phil had his ragged mane and beard of bleached fur, his visage was completely hairless. And the scars! This Statin was covered in them! From what Twilight could see he was more scar tissue then actual flesh. 'Maybe they practice some kind of ritual scarification' she mused, though she could not detect any noticeable pattern. But that wasn't the most striking difference, no, that would be the eyes. Where Phil's eyes were like what she imagined an alien's would be like, with their odd shapes and sickly, nauseating colour, Statin's were.....normal. Although they were much smaller, his bright green eyes wouldn't look out of place on a pony, and even looked similar to Applejack's. Twilight wracked her brain to fathom why there would be such an extreme difference between the two, coming up empty-hoofed. A pony's colouration could be and often was vastly different then the next's, but at least you could tell they were the same species, and ponies and dragons were the only two races on Equuis that displayed such extreme differences in colouration. Were there multiple sub-species maybe? Only further inquiry would tell.

        “Ok!” Twilight interrupted the budding argument suddenly, hoping to take charge of the situation. “I think I have a right to know the answers to a few questions: first off, who are you, what are you, and where the buck did you come from?”

        Phil looked impressed at her assertiveness, before turning to Statin with a smile. “Ha! I like this one. She's feisty.”

        “Just answer the darn questions!” Twilight surprised herself by shouting at them. Maybe the utter strangeness of this whole situation was beginning to wear on her. Or was it that she just saw over half a dozen living creatures torn to shreds in an excessively violent manner?

        “Alright, alright” Phil said to her, whilst making a placating gesture with his claws. “I'll answer a few questions, as long as you promise to answer mine when the time comes, eh? Tit for tat.” Twilight was nervous to be indebted to this creature more then she already was, but seeing as she really had no other choice, she nodded her assent. “Who are we? Well you already know that I'm Dr. Phillip Ackerman, this is my associate Captain Bert Statin, of the UNASF, which stands for-”

        “United Nations Alliance Space Forces” Twilight finished for him with an unreadable expression.

        “How'd you know that?” he said confused.

        “We, uh...found your tubey thing out in the forest” she responded sheepishly.

        “Ah, the landing capsule. Anyways, we'll deal with that in a minute. That's me, Statin, and these are.....” Phil paused for a moment as he gestured to the two creatures who had yet to remove their helmets. “Two anonymous henchmen of no importance.”

        “Hey!”

        “We have names ya know!”

        “Well yes, but why should I bother to learn them, hhmm? A little respect goes a long way.”

        “What's that supposed to mean?” one of them said confusedly.

        “If I am correct in inferring what the good doctor means by that, I believe it was something along the lines of 'If you don't treat him with respect, why should he return the favour?'” interjected Statin.

        “But-!”

        “Zip it! Important inter-species diplomacy happening here” Phil cut them off before another argument could start. “Well, that's who we are. Now to answer both remaining questions. To put it simply, we are humans from the planet Earth!” he finished dramatically with a wave of his claw.

        Other then the sound of Twilight's jaw almost literally hitting the forest floor, utter silence reigned throughout the clearing for several awkward moments. “H-h-humans?” she stuttered finally, her wide-eyed expression a mixture of shock, amazement, and what seemed like a hint of....fear.

        “I see our reputation precedes us” Phil said with a smirk, which quickly turned to a confused frown. His eyes started darting back and forth as if arranging pieces of information in his head, before responding. “Wait....how exactly can our reputation precede us?”

        “You guys are supposed to be a...a... myth!”

        “Hey! I resent that!” said one of the masked 'humans', before Statin gave him a casual punch to the back of his head.

        “Now I'm no expert on such matters, doctor, but how in the flying fuck could they possibly know what we are? Isn't that, you know, fucking impossible” was Statin's colourful response to but one of many questions that were growing exponentially by the second.

        “Interesting....very interesting.....” Phil said distractedly whilst stroking his beard, obviously deep in thought. “To us, they resemble creatures from our mythologies, namely unicorns and pegasi, while to them, we are the myth. At first glance, we apparently share many aspects of culture and society and even a language. Even a simpleton could realize that there is obviously some kind of..... connection between our two worlds. But that's.....impossible. Further investigation is required” He noted to himself, seemingly ignorant of the other creatures present in the clearing.

        “Umm, doctor? If you could come out of your little, personal thought-castle for a second, we still kind of, you know, need to figure out what we're going to do regarding the....um, what exactly do you call your species, anyways?” said Statin, turning to look at Twilight who was still regarding them with a quizzical, and somewhat fearful expression.

        “Uh....w-we're called ponies” she responded nervously.

        “Oh great, they're ponies” Statin said exasperatedly. One of the masked humans started giggling to himself, before (once again) Statin silenced him with a glare. Phil was brought from his thoughts and Statin from his grumbling when once more Twilight spoke up.

        “S-so you're....a-aliens, right? W-what do you want from us?” This statement seemed to bring Phil out of his 'thought-castle', as Statin put it, and to revitalize the sort of manic energy he seemed to carry himself with.

        “Well, I suppose from you're point of view, we're the aliens. As for why we're here, well...we are...peaceful explorers” he stated carefully. Whether he did so out of a desire for her to not misunderstand their intentions or out of a deliberate attempt to deceive her, she couldn't tell.

        “Explorers?” Twilight wasn't entirely convinced. Ancient Pre-Equestrian folktales, from which the myth of Humans originated, painted them as immensely powerful beings, and the very definition of capriciousness, as likely to aid a lost traveler as bludgeon her over the head and eat her for supper. They weren't evil per se, merely creatures of passion, uncontrollable in their pursuit of whatever odd or lofty goal they set their minds to. Their power did not stem from magical ability, quite the opposite in fact. They were said to possess the strength of a hundred stallions, coupled with a keen intellect, an endless sense of curiosity, and a near immunity to magic of any kind. They could shrug off a channeled lightning bolt as easily as a spring breeze. In many fables of a moral bent, they usually played a pivotal role in teaching the protagonist a valuable lesson, whether intentionally or inadvertently, though they just as often played the role of a monster or villain the heroine had to overcome through wit or guile. She had a hard time believing they came here by accident.

        Though....on the other hoof, if there really was an entire planet of humans out there somewhere, and the legends were true about their boundless thirst for knowledge, then maybe they really were explorers.

        “Yes, explorers” as Phil said this, a strange look crossed over his face, before he smiled again, showing pointed canines. “We were exploring the vastness of....space......the final frontier. We came on the voyages of the starship Jormungand. On it's continuing mission to explore strange new worlds. To seek out new life and new civilizations. To boldly go where no man has gone before!!” he finished by thrusting his clenched claw into the air and looking towards the heavens with a determined look, almost as ifa dramatic theme song were to blare out upon the end of his statement. Twilight and the two masked humans seemed confused, while Statin grumbled and did what must have been the human equivalent of a face-hoof.

        “Did you just make a Star Trek reference?” Phil turned to him, still smiling from ear to ear.

        “Maybe.”

        “You know, doctor, you really are weird.”

        “Thank you.”

        “Ughh.....that wasn't a compliment....”

        “Well I'm taking it as one to preserve our friendship” Phil said with a mocking smile. "Anywho....” he said as he spun on his heel to face Twilight once more, a motion she found rather strange. “As I said, or at least inferred, we come in pea-”

“HOLD ON TWILIGHT!!!!!” screamed a voice from the treeline, right as a polychromatic blur came speeding out to impact Phil's head mid sentence, pitching him onto the ground unceremoniously.

        “The doc's down!!”

        “Tango sighted!!”

        “Now that's what I call an entrance” Rainbow said smugly with her forelimbs crossed over her chest. It took a moment for her to notice the three armoured behemoths pointing what could be assumed to be extremely deadly weapons at her, as well as the three little red dots zoning in directly over her midsection. Upon noticing aforementioned things, she promptly froze for a few seconds, eyes going wide and pupils shrinking, before her usual bravado reasserted itself.

        “Rainbow....” Twilight said as calmly as she could. “Don't. Move.” For a tense moment they all just stood there, until a grown could be heard, as Phil lifted his arm up from where he was sprawled on the ground.

        “Hold your fire!” he said in a muffled, and somewhat more nasally, voice. Picking himself of the ground, he stretched his neck, most likely to realign the bones (that was if they had bones, as Twilight wasn't going to jump to any conclusions), eliciting a horrid cracking sound. Twilight then noticed a thin stream of reddish liquid, presumably blood, dribbling out of his nose and staining his beard. Noticing this himself, he dabbed two digits to his nose to check his injury. It was at this time that the rest of Twilight's friends arrived, having finally caught up with their speedy compatriot.

        “Get away from Twilight, ya two-legged varmints!!” cried Applejack as she took up a combat-ready pose.

        “Ya! Leave her alone!” was surprisingly yelled by Fluttershy of all ponies.

        “Wait, girls-!” Twilgiht desperately tried to get the situation under control, but was cut off.

        “We won't let you hurt her!” cried all five of them at once, even Rainbow, despite literally staring down the barrel of the humans' weapons.

“They definitely have guts, I'll give them that” thought Twilight, more then a little touched at the gesture.

        “Doctor! Permission to treat the aliens as hostile!” shouted Statin, actually remembering that Phil was in command.

        “Permission denied!” Phil raised his arms while standing between the two parties, in what was obviously supposed to be a calming gesture, before continuing. “Everyone calm down. Take a chill pill. If they're actually needed I do have several I can spare.” That last part confused pretty much everyone present, which was probably Phil's goal. Twilight could tell he must have possessed some strange, convoluted, yet ultimately effective logic.

        “Ok.....no one jump the gun here. We don't want this to turn into one of those 'bad' first contact situations we all read about, now do we. Besides, I think we all know who'd come out on top in that scrap...” he mentioned off-handedly.

        “You sayin' I can't take you, you freaky albino monkey?!” shouted Rainbow, nearly shoving her snout in Phil's face. Twilight used her telekinesis to drag Dash to the ground by the tail, before fixing her with a cold stare.

        “Dash! Cool it!! FYI, they weren't the ones who attacked me. They, or more specifically, that 'freaky albino monkey', saved me. If it wasn't for Dr. Phil here, you'd probably need an alan wrench and a manual to put me back together like a piece of Ponkea furniture, and you know how those things are always missing pieces.”

        “Quite right....um, your majesty” Phil said, more reserved then he had been a moment ago. Twilight was confused as to what she said that could have upset him. “And, um, please....don't call me Dr. Phil. You can call me Phil or Dr. Ackerman, or even just 'doc', but not.....that, please.” His voice was somewhat strained as he said this, and he wasn't looking her in the eye when he said it, instead staring at his armoured feet.

        “O-oh, I'm sorry if I offended you” Twilight responded, still somewhat frightened of these creatures and their obvious physical superiority.

        “Oookaay.....Twilight, mind explaining what's going on here?” was Dash's response to that awkward exchange.

        “Yes darling, if you could explain who these nice......um...'stallions' are, and what exactly they saved you from, that'd be grand” said Rarity with as much poshness as she could muster given the current situation. The other ponies all chorused their agreement, while the humans still held their weapons at the ready. Phil looked annoyed and jerked Statin's weapon down by the barrel, the other two humans following suit, lest they rouse the doctor's ire.

        “Well, um....I guess you girls haven't noticed the clearing yet” Twilight said nervously.

        “What's so strange....about....the.......clearing....” Fluttershy started at a somewhat normal volume, but her words got quieter and farther apart as she looked around.....and caught sight of the mangled worg corpses.

        “Those look like timber wolves” said Rainbow, seemingly unfazed, unlike Fluttershy, who had gone so still that she could have been mistaken for a rather colourful statue, or Rarity, who was currently puking in a nearby bush while Applejack held her mane.

        “Duh, those aren't timber wolves, they're timber worgs, silly!” was Pinkie's response to the carnage, also seemingly unfazed, as she bounced up to the nearest one and nudged it with a hoof. “See, they're all smoothy-loozey and not all blocky-wocky.”

        “How'd you now that, Pinkie?” asked Twilight confusedly. Timber worgs were not a well known creature outside of scholarly circles.

        “Oh, we used to get them up on the rock farm. They'd usually just gnaw on the rocks when food was scarce, but ol' Pappy Pie taught me how to put a crossbow bolt right between their eyes if need be” she said wistfully, as if remembering a fond childhood memory.

        “I....didn't know you were so skilled with weapons, Pinkie Pie” said Twilight, more then a little weirded out.

        “Yeah, no wonder you always beat me at horseshoes” said Dash, again apparently unfazed by the revelation.

        “Oh, that's nothing! I can show ya how to use their hides to make a nice set of croquet mallets!”

        “That won't be necessary!” Twilight said hurriedly. “Anyways, the worgs tricked me into coming out here by pretending to be a pony in distress, before they ambushed me. If Phil hadn't come to save me when he heard me scream for help, I wouldn't have been able to the hold the force field for much longer, and, well.....worgs don't leave much of their meals behind.”

        “Good thing I came along when I did, I suppose” Phil said, pausing before he continued, his nose still dribbling that reddish blood that looked oh so much like a pony's. “As I was saying before I was rather rudely laid low by a multi-hued bullet with obvious questionable sexual orientation-”

        “What's that supposed to mean?” Dash said rather annoyed.

        “Ah think he just called ya gay, there, RD” Applejack said, not even trying to hide the smirk.

        “WHAT?! Why I outta-!”

        “Dash, what'd I say about cooling it? If he can tear half a dozen worgs to pieces with his bare claws, how'd you think he'd handle a pony?” Dash grumbled something about filly-foolers but overall relented.

        “Now, as I was saying, we come in-”

        “Sorry to interrupt....uh, darling, but neither you nor Twilight explained what exactly you...well, are” said a rather nervous Rarity.

        Phil groaned and ran his claw over his face. “We're-”

        “Hold on a second!” said Twilight excitedly. “I want to see if they can guess” she finished with a smirk.

        “Am I gonna be allowed to finish a damn sent-!”

        “Darling, how are we supposed to guess the name of a creature we've never seen before?” said Rarity, still rather confused.

        “Yeah, we're not all eggheads like you, Twi” was Rainbow's response, whilst hovering above them.

        “Ah gotta agree with RD and Rares there. Ah always expected aliens ta look like green ponies with antenna and bee wings, er somethin'”

        “But you have seen them before! Think about it; two legs, two claws, no fur, flat-faced?”

        “Hey! Who you callin' flat-faced?!” shouted one of the masked humans.

        “Oh shut it!” shouted Phil in return. “Can we maybe hurry this guessing game along? I'm rather hungry and I've got a chicken sandwich waiting for me back on the shuttle.”

        “You eat chickens?!” gasped Fluttershy.

        “Yes, we are an omnivorous species, if that gives any kind of hint” Phil said, starting to sound rather annoyed. After a moment he said further “......why? Are chickens sapient here? Am I going to be tried for murder in some chicken court? Because I assure you that that chicken was far from self-aware.....dumb as a post more like it....” he muttered the last part under his breath.

        “W-well gryphons and minotaurs are omnivorous, so I guess that's not so bad” Fluttershy said rather meekly, probably thinking of her pet chickens back home.

        “Wait, you have gryphons and minotaurs here?”

        “I got it!” cried Dash. “They're the shapeshifting Ur-ponies from the planet Remulak!”

        Twilight groaned. “Rainbow, this is not Invasion from Planet Remulak! If they could change shape, wouldn't they just take the shape of a normal pony, and not a bald ape?”

        “Oh yeah. Well, I'm out of guesses.”

        “Yeah me too, darling.”

        “Ah got no idea, sugercube.”

        “Oh come on! You girls can't give up that easily!” cried Twilight exasperatedly.

        “Ooh! Ooh! I know! They're the shapeshifting Ur-ponies from-!”

        “I already guessed that, Pinkie.”

        “Ah dang.”

        “Arrgh....you all know nothing of pre-Equestrian mythology” muttered a defeated Twilight. “Fine, I'll tell you. They're humans.” A collective gasp came from the assembled ponies, their expressions ranging from excitement, to wonder, to fear.

        “H-h-h-humans!” squeaked Fluttershy, now trying to squish herself down and hide in her own shadow.

        “Pfft....I thought humans were supposed to be scary” was Dash's unimpressed comment. As she turned though, she came snout-to-nose with Phil, his sickly eyes gleaming at her while he smiled a very disturbing, pointed tooth smile.

        “Come here, little morsel. I don't bite...” he said to her in a very 'serial killer'-ish voice, before his tongue came out to lick away the blood from his nose, and then smearing it on his teeth.

        “EEEEKKK!!!” Rainbow shrieked like a filly, only for her expression to morph from terrified to angry when Phil burst out laughing.

        “Oh man! That was great! You should've seen your face! Priceless!” he said between laughs, very much like a certain dragon-horsey-snakey-thing they were all too familiar with. “Statin, Statin....Get a picture of me with, uh, 'Rainbow' here on your iCam!” he said while putting his arm around Rainbow, her squirming doing nothing for his iron grip.

        “Doctor, I'd say you have a concussion, but.....then again, you're always this crazy.”

        “It's true, I am” he said with a mirth-filled smile while turning to her. “Now just do it! Come on! I'll make it an order if I have to.” Statin sighed and then looked straight at them with a deadpanned expression. His right eye began to glow softly before quickly turning bright white for a moment, before he blinked and it was back to normal.

        “Good. Now be a doll and email that to me” Phil said while releasing an annoyed (and still somewhat shaken) Rainbow.

        “I don't know why you don't just get one yourself.”

        “I've already told you, my body rejects cybernetics.”

        “Right, on account of the-”

        “Anywho!” Phil interrupted him, while turning to the ponies once again. “To summarize, we are humans from the planet Earth, we come in peace, yadda yadda yadda. Now let's get down to the nitty-gritty” he said as he clapped his claws together. “We were the ones who sent the probe, the explosion was a....misunderstanding. We would like it, as well as the landing capsule, back as a gesture of good faith. We would also like to arrange a meeting between our respective leaderships, if that is possible.”

        “A meeting with the princesses? I....think that can be arranged” Twilight said slowly, still a little untrusting of these creatures from beyond the stars.

        “So, your country's a....'monarchy', yes?” asked Phil suddenly, his alien eyes betraying a great interest.

        “Well, actually more of a diarchy. We're ruled by the Royal Pony Sisters, Celestia and Luna” answered Twilight.

        “Now, in your professional opinion, as a princess yourself” Phil continued, rubbing his claws together almost greedily. “A diarchy is functionally and spiritually identical to a monarchy, save there is two rulers instead of one, yes?”

        “Kinda....” Twilight answered more hesitantly this time, wondering what he was getting at or what angle he was working.

        “Only one more question.”

        “Doctor, is this going somewhere?” said Statin sounding rather annoyed. One of the two masked humans began shifting uncomfortably.

        “Yes” Phil hissed back at him, before continuing in his detached, scholarly tone. “I mean no offence by this question, but it is for the betterment of science and diplomacy” he smiled an almost predatory smile. “Would you say your society is.....matriarchal in nature.”

        Rarity shifted a bit, Fluttershy pawed the ground nervously, and Applejack rubbed the back of her head with a hoof. The topic was an uncomfortable one. Finally Twilight answered. “Well, um, we've made great strides in the past few decades, but traditionally......yes.”

        “BOOYEAH!!! Suck it Ramirez, you owe me fifty bucks!!!”

        “'Scuse me?” Applejack said incredulously, while Pinkie giggled, Dash guffawed, and the rest blushed.

        “I didn't make that bet! It was Sanchez!” said the one human, pointing to the one next to him who had been shifting nervously.

        “I don't give a shit which one of you dumb-asses made it, pay up!” said Phil in turn, holding his open claw out towards them.

        “Wow! That's racist!” said Dash incredulously, in reference to the dumb-ass remark.

        “B-but you heard her! She said it was kinda like a m-monarchy!”

        “Face it! You lost to the freak, now give me my goddamn money!”

        “Wait, your money's called 'bucks'” said Twilight skeptically.

        Phil seemed to notice the ponies were actually there, turning to them with a confused look. “What? Oh, no, we use UNA credits, a single currency used throughout all human-populated worlds. Except New Quebec, but nobody pays attention to those bastards.”

        “Yes, but the doctor insists on using that outdated and silly canadian slang” said Statin, his annoyance factor steadily rising.

        “Hey, I'm proud to be a canadian, eh. Now pay up, Ramiro- Sancha-..... mexican guy.”

        “B-but-!”

        “Do it! Or I'll seriously reconsider my 'no-eye-gouging' policy!”

        “Doctor....” Statin said in a warning tone.

        “That was a joke!” The human quickly retrieved another pouch from along his belt, and shakily threw it to Phil, who caught it as the pouch's contents made a sort of plastic-y jingling sound. “Oohoo, sweet, sweet microchips” he mused as he gauged the pouch's weight.

        “Anyways, there is one more thing before our business is concluded for now” he said as he clipped the pouch to his own belt. “We are to meet at the probe landing capsule's impact site at exactly noon tomorrow. I expect you all to be there along with you leaders, and no one else. Period. No one outside the highest positions of your government are to even know anything at all transpired here. Are we understood?” he finished menacingly.

        “Y-yes” the assembled ponies chorused in unison.

        “Good” he said cheerfully. “Now, if you'll excuse us, we have arrangements to make. We shall see you tomorrow. And try not to get eaten on your way home.” With this Phil put his helmet back on, Statin following suit, before retrieving his weapon and the spent cartridge.

        “And remember, we were never here.....” he said in a tone of faux-mysteriousnous while waving his arms about slowly.

        “Modulators on” droned Statin, and after the four creatures touched a device on their respective wrists, they disappeared with a faint sparking shimmer, leaving the ponies alone in the forest......

        .......before a low-hanging tree branch at the edge of the clearing snapped suddenly and violently.

        “OWW!!! Modulators off! Modulators off!”

        “You okay doctor?”

        “Yeah....why didn't you warn me about that branch?”

        “That's for calling me 'doll'....”

        And with some muttered grumblings from the good doctor, the humans once more disappeared from sight......