Quantum Mechanics

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The golden orb of the sun sank gracefully from the Equestrian sky in its eternal cycle, the brilliance of the mighty vessel of the day fading to a lustrous orange as its azimuth decreased, refracted into a thousand shades of pink and purple by the scattered high cloud. Below, ponies hurried to and fro in the prosperous city of Canterlot, taking advantage of the last of the light to fulfil their daily routines. High above them, a beautiful white Alicorn stood braced on the top of a soaring, slender tower, eyes closed in concentration and mane and tail billowing serenely around her as she manoeuvred the great heavenly body to its rest.

This minor daily miracle was interrupted by a loud, snarling clash of gears, and the sun jerked to a halt barely a hoof-width above the horizon. Beside the white form, a smaller, midnight-blue Alicorn winced and turned to her companion, “Oof! I hope you don't park the Royal Chariot like that, Celestia!”

Ageless violet eyes snapped open, and the white Alicorn glared furiously at the offending sun. “Oh, me!” she snapped in annoyance, “Bloody thing, it's not due for a service for another 7,000 years!”

“Have another go, sister dear, it probably just needs a bit of encouragement,” suggested the blue Alicorn.

“I'm pretty sure it doesn't work that way, Luna,” said Celestia mournfully. Nevertheless, she shut her eyes again and focused on the horizon. After a moment, there came another series of grinding, grating sounds, and the sun rocked back and forth slightly in its place.

“Go on, give it some hoof,” Luna urged as below them, cats put their ears back and fled for home and dogs began to howl. After a final round of metallic torture, there was a loud bang which echoed from horizon to horizon like a cannon blast and the sun juddered to a halt.

“Oh, buck it!” Celestia spat bitterly, stamping a hoof in an uncharacteristic display of petulance.

She looked around for a second like she was searching for something to kick over the edge of the tower to express her frustration. The two hulking Unicorn guards behind her stood even more still than usual and desperately tried to make themselves as inconspicuous as possible despite their traitorously-gleaming armour and helmets. Princess Celestia was as kind and benevolent a ruler as they could wish for, but occasionally she got a bit... tetchy. Especially on days like this, when she had been forced to do without coffee.

“I don't suppose you could give us a tow, could you, sister?”

Luna's eyebrows shot up, “How? With what? The sun's 400 times larger than the moon, and even if I could give you a tow, it'd take me 8 light minutes to get there! And besides, I may have lowered it and put a supercharger in, but I'd never have enough grunt to tow it! Sorry, sis, but you're on your own. You can fix it, can't you?”

Celestia sighed, and muttered something under her breath.

“I didn't quite catch that,” said Luna suspiciously, “Whatever it is, you'll have to get a wriggle on. It's coming on to moonrise and I've got a lovely meteor shower planned for later, too. There's no point with your sun hanging there, hogging the sky all night.”

“Well, excuse me!” Celestia snapped, nettled, “I didn't build this bloody universe, you know-”

She broke off and took a few deep, cleansing breaths. When she continued, her voice voice was much calmer. “I'm sorry, sister, forgive me. It has been a rather trying day, and this is not helping.”

Luna sighed, “It ought to have gone on for millennia yet, if you've done the recommended servicing. You did change the hydrogen, didn't you?”

Her sister said nothing, but looked a little sheepish.

Luna rolled her eyes, “'Tia!” she wailed in exasperation.

“I'm sorry!” Celestia blurted guiltily, “I was going to, all right? But I've been rather busy this last thousand years or so!”

Luna opened her mouth to retort, then thought better of it. Discretion being the better part of not bucking your hopelessly-technophobic sister around the earhole, and all that. “So what do we do now? You can't just leave it there.”

Celestia let out a long, shuddering sigh which hung ominously in the air for a long moment.

“Well, I am still a member of the Universe Association....”

Luna twitched, and stared at her sister in disbelief. “Oh, no. No way! Not if it's still that horrible pig they've employed for the last hundred thousand years in our dimension!”

“Oh come on, it wasn't that bad, was it?” Celestia protested weakly.

“Not that bad!” Luna roared indignantly, “I had to eat lettuce leaves and celery for seventy years after he implied you were overweight!”

“Erm... maybe I overreacted? And if you wouldn't mind lowering your-”

“He said you had an arse like two badly parked carriages!” Luna bellowed, undeterred. Behind them, almost unheard, came a tiny little sliver of a snicker. Slowly, the two sisters swung around to glare pointedly at the two Unicorn guards. The Sergeant, a grizzled old mare, remained statuesque, but the young stallion next to her slowly wilted into a quivering heap, his eyes widening in terror.

“Thinkest thou my sister's derrière is overlarge, my loyal Guardspony?” Luna snarled, slipping back into Old Equestrian in her rage.

“Um... no, my Princess?” he stuttered weakly in a high-pitched voice.

“Oh, so thou admits to thinking on the state of my sister's behind?”

The poor guard floundered helplessly for a response which wouldn't land him further in the mire until Celestia took pity on him.

“Luna...,” she said warningly, and with a final, thunderous snort Luna about-faced. Celestia stuck her tongue out at the guilty pony before joining her in looking back out over the city. “Anyway, he improved after that.”

This time, Luna's reply echoed across the entire city.

“IMPROVED?! YOU MEAN WHEN HE SLAPPED ME ON THE FLANK AND ASKED ME WHAT TIME MY REIGN ENDED?”

This time, there was no mistaking the shocked guffaw of amusement, nor the loud clang as the male guardspony slumped heavily against the wall laughing fit to burst. Luna whirled again with fury in her eyes, but the Sergeant was already apologising in a pained voice, “Sorry, Your Highness, sorry! He's still learning. I'll take him off and send up a relief.”

“And he may spend the next twelvemonth peeling potatoes until he has learned his proper place,” Luna snapped icily over the guard's helpless wails of hilarity. The Sergeant's head bobbed respectfully in reply.

“Yes, Your Highness. Come on, you.” With that, she nudged her rubber-legged companion back towards the stairwell.

Celestia shook her head, “He's learned since then,” she said placatingly, “After our complaint, they sent him on a two-week Corporate Communication and Public Relations course.”

“I hardly think that would help-” Luna snorted derisively.

“A two-week residential course,” Celestia cut her off, “In Luton.”

There was a brief, shocked pause. “In Luton? That's going a bit too far, isn't it?”

“He's a changed being, I'm told. And besides – I don't see that we've got much choice.”

Luna muttered a rude word, “I suppose you're right. Oh all right, but you're handling this on your own. Let me know when I can raise the moon.”

With that, she launched herself into the air and soared over to the Lunar Tower.

With a slight smirk, Celestia cocked an ear towards the stairwell and caught the male guardspony's voice echoing faintly up the stairs,

“You rotten sod, Sarge, I was holding it in until you bloody laughed! And then you blamed me!”

“Privileges of rank, my lad, privileges of rank. And you've only got yourself to blame for the second time.”

Celestia's smirk widened to a full-on grin as the indignant reply became too faint to be distinct. Actually, she should probably have a guard while he was here – for the look of it, if nothing else. It would take a while for the call to be answered, so she had plenty of time to get somepony up here. And she knew just the ponies!

She raised her muzzle to the sky and chanted aloud, her voice quiet but echoing strangely from the heavens,

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!

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