I awoke one morning...

Luckily for I, the train journey wasn’t too long. The large majority of it was staring out of the window and vague attempts at a conversation with the two guards. Most of the time they would either ignore me or give a brief answer such as ‘yes’ or ‘no’. It was like this for all of my questions, up until I asked about the bits from earlier.

“So why did you give the other guy ten bits?”

“Why do you want to know?”

“Because I have fifty of them in a single pocket, and I have a lot of pockets.” The monkey act did have one pro, and that was Ponyville citizens are willing to throw money at whatever makes them laugh.

“We had a bet going on. From what the princess did tell us, we knew that you were either going to follow us without a question or demand more information.” The guardpony spitefully started his next sentence. “He bet that you would want to know what was going on.”

“Fair enough,” I replied while throwing the guard some money. It’s not like I’ll need it any time soon.

The guard caught the bits as they fell onto the table in front of him. He stared at them, bewildered, before asking why I was demonstrating such generosity. “Uh, thanks? Why though?”

I shrugged before replying, “I don’t need them. Just make sure you know what you’re putting money on before you make such a rash decision.”

The guard pocketed the bits as the train rolled into the station. The chime of the whistle sounded as we came to a stop and the carriage doors opened. Stepping off the train, the first thing I noticed was that this platform, like the one I was previously at, was empty. I looked to the guard and asked “Same reason as the other one?”

We started walking before the guard nodded and replied. “The whole trip from here to the castle is like this. Celestia wants to make sure that as few as possible ponies know about you. It’s also the reason why we were hired for the task. “

“Oh really, why’s that?”

“My brother only talks to me and I rarely talk with other ponies. Having the job of a royal guard means we have little contact with anypony else. This is probably the longest conversation I’ve had with anypony, other than my brother, since I joined the guard.”

“That’s...” I stammered, “That’s actually quite depressing.”

The guard just shrugged my comment off as if it was nothing. “You get used to it eventually.”

We spent the rest of the walk up to the castle in silence. There was nothing to move the conversation forwards after what the guard had told me, so I kept my mouth shut and thought about what he had said. It’s fair to say that I re-evaluated my view Equestria as a happy-go-lucky world, where sadness can be cured by the magic of friendship, into something more... Earth-like in appearance.

Stepping up to the large gates of the castle, I watched as they swung open with an almighty creak. The guards signalled for me to follow them again. I looked up at the marble palace of the princess’s and made a note of how white they were. Either this was the result of the animators not putting in minute details such as cracks and stains, or a team of dedicated groundsponies keeping the place in tip-top condition. From what I had seen and heard, it was probably the latter. After ogling the courtyards for a minute or two, the guards and I had entered the main hall of the castle – You know, the part where Celestia keeps the elements, Cadence got married, e.t.c...

Anyway, I was stood in the large hall along with Celestia and Luna. The two didn’t seem too pleased to see me. We stood in silence for what felt like hours until I made an attempt at a conversation.

“Your highness...”

The sun goddess interjected. “Please, it’s Celestia and Luna. Eons of formalities wear off on you eventually.”

“Fine,” I sighed, “Celestia, why am I here? From what the guards have told me, you want to discuss my being in Equestria.”

Luna spoke up. “Quick to the mark, is he not?”

“Quite,” Celestia replied. “We have summoned you here to discuss your presence in Equestria, or more to the point, your lack thereof. We’re here to inform you that you are to be sent home as of next week.”

“A week?” I questioned. “Why not sooner?” I know you shouldn’t question a good thing, but why later rather than sooner? I couldn’t find any sense in the decision.

Luna answered my question. “It shall take approximately seven days to get the portal to your realm open again and make sure that all connections to Earth have been severed. Even if the smallest of things gets left behind, the portal will not properly close.”

“So you two just want me out to patch up the universe? Surely it can’t be too bad, nothing’s getting sucked into oblivion by a wormhole or something, right?”

The two princesses stared at me in amazement before turning to look at each other. Luna was the first to break the silence. “One... one shouldn’t make such assumptions.”

“Nor should they spread such a rumour,” Celestia added. “Please Alex, for the sake of Equestria you must not tell a soul about this. You don’t understand the uproar that would rise if word got out.”

I never had an immortal goddess beg to me before. It certainly was an odd experience. “So nopony knows about this? Not even Twilight?”

Celestia replied. “I feared that she would have another one of her breakdowns. The whole time travel incident wracked her nerves enough, so learning the fate of the whole of Equestria would be too much for her to bear.”

Wise decision. “So what am I meant to do in the mean time? Just sit here and idle for seven days?”

“I’m sure there are ways in which you can entertain yourself. There’s probably something you can do in Ponyville,” Celestia answered.

“Like what?” I replied. “I can’t exactly get a job as a human now, can I?”

“I’m sure there’s something one could do with those... hands... of yours.”

“Luna.” Celestia shot daggers at her sister. “Now is not the time for such a thing. I’m sorry for her immaturity.”

“What?” Luna replied innocently, “With appendages like those the human could go into carpentry or some other skilled handiwork."

I laughed it off. “There’s no need to worry about it, I’ve heard worse from Twilight as she slept.”

My slightly revealing statement about Celestia’s favourite pupil had disturbed the two princesses as they backed up a little. “Eh...” I muttered to myself as I made the situation more awkward than intended, “Perhaps I should get going now?”

“Perhaps you should...” Celestia responded, frowning. I turned and headed for the exit, to find the guard I was talking to earlier was waiting for me already. It turned out he was watching the whole thing and just collapsed into a fit of giggles when I approached.

“Shouldn’t you be waiting OUTSIDE the doors?”

“It’s my brother’s shift.” The guard replied, still chuckling. I just stepped over him and pushed the door open for myself. I stood outside and waited in silence with the other guard as the laughing slowly subsided. Soon the other guard was out in the lobby with us, grinning every time he looked at me.

“So who’s this ‘Twilight’ you mentioned? Anypony special?”

“She’s just a mare I’m staying with as long as I’m in Equestria, she’s also another species entirely before you get any ideas.”

“So she’s single then?”

I sighed. It was almost tempting to face-palm as well, but I had other ideas. “She’s also the sister to the head of the royal guard. You might know him... Shining Armour?”

The guard quickly shut up and stood to attention as I mentioned the name of the captain. I thought so. "Anyway," I continued, "Would there be any chance of a tour around the castle? It's not like I'm going to be here any longer, so I may as well make the most of my time here."

"I'm not so sure we can allow that," the guard replied, "We have only been ordered to escort you from here and to the train station."

"I can make it worth your while." I said, pulling out a bit or two and inspecting them under sunlight of the large open windows. The guard thought about my offer for a second, before hesitantly accepting.

"I can't see any harm in a quick tour around the castle. Anywhere in particular that you want to visit?"

Pfft, seven days. "Where are the teleportation runes kept?"

I was stood outside a large chamber, vault-like in appearance. The walls surrounding me were a dulled grey compared to the pristine white of the castle walls. Standing to my right were the two guards as they explained why they needed access to the storage room and to my left, the exit in which I had walked through only moments ago.

"We have been authorised to remove and charge a teleportation rune as of Celestia's bidding. All intentions and purposes have been withheld from our knowledge."

"As you have said before," the chambers' guard replied, "but I need to see some form of proof before I let you in."

Must I do everything myself? I stepped up to the guardspony and rested my arms against the desk he was working on. He looked away from the other guards and turned his attention to me. "And what do you want?"

"How rude," I said, "I expect better from a royal guard."

"Well, working down here by myself all day leaves no practice for social interactions."

"Understandable," I replied. "Is there any way we could gain access to the chamber without any permission?"

"I'm afraid not. Without any evidence of authorisation, you and your guard buddies here have to turn around and leave."

Why must I resort to this again... I pulled a bit out of my pocket and could see that I had caught the guards attention. Flicking the coin through my fingers, I started to talk with the guard again, although in a much more subtle tone.

"Well then, how much would it cost to buy a teleportation rune? It's not like it will go missing, is it?"

"I'm sorry sir, but I can't be won over through bribery. You're going to have to try much harder than that."

"Fine." I answered. "I'm not going to enjoy this, and I really mean that, but it's my only option." I did what I thought I would never do. It went against all of my instincts. I never want to do it again. I pulled my fist back and knocked the guard out in one swift, straight punch to the head. I hit a pony.

As the guard slumped into an unconscious pile on the floor, I slammed my still clenched first down onto the big red 'open' button for the large vault door. I slipped inside as the other two guards caught wind of my actions and rushed to help their fallen comrade. Inside the chamber, I saw what looked like a multitude of magical items, varying from the teleportation runes I sought to mystical scrolls to what looked like a shotgun on the far side of the room.

Ignoring the absurdities, I grabbed and pocketed one of the runes. Turning to the exit, I saw the two still conscious guards waiting for me. It's fair to say that they looked pretty pissed. I would have made an attempt to out-run them like I did with Applejack, but they were blocking the only way out. So backing away slowly, I tried to bribe them yet again.

"I'm sure there's some from of agreement we can come to now, gentlemen. There's no need to over-react to such a small incident."

The two guards kept their ground and kicked at the floor a couple of times. Snorting a final breath before the run, they charged head-first in my direction. I'd like to say that I managed to pull off some form of ninja trickery and back-flip over the guards to run from Canterlot as an outlaw and a free man, but sadly I can't. The guard whom I so willingly bribed earlier collided with my chest, winding me and sending my flying back into one of the chamber walls. Struggling to get up, I was barely on my feet before the other guard knocked me down again. Standing over my barely functional body, the guards placed a pair of hoof-cuffs around my wrists and tossed me onto their backs.

Today just isn't my day...