Infinity in all Directions

-- Chapter 2:

I opened my eyes, and the first thing I saw was the vaulted ceiling, with stone as bright and clear as that of the floor. I felt nothing, at all, which was actually more cause for alarm than pain. I also felt, slightly lightheaded, and in my state of disconnect, I reverted to an old habit.

Whenever in a large space, I’ve always been tempted to test the acoustics... by clapping.  There’s always been something satisfying about the resounding echo, or disappointing about the lack thereof. It verifies what you’re seeing, and connects the senses. So I did just that, and was rewarded with the sight of two cream colored appendages sticking straight into the air, and hitting each other, quite hard.

A bit of pain. A good thing, it meant I really was still there, in a sense.

I moved them down to my eyes to get a better look. Hooves. It looked like the spell had worked. I looked down at my body, and confirmed. I was indeed a pony. More interesting still, I had wings.

I was a pegasus. Mixed emotions, and theatric descriptions aside, this was cool.

I rolled over onto my stomach, and tried to stand on all fours. The posture was not nearly as awkward as I would have expected, certainly as not as I had remembered (and don’t tell me, dear reader, that you never tried it yourself, even as a child).

The Princess was standing beside me, and smiling broadly, obviously pleased with herself.

“Well, what do you think?”

I walked around her slowly, testing my stability. Given the shifting in my proportions, it took less effort than you might think. I stopped in front of her, and smiled broadly up at her (where she had once only been a head higher than me, she now towered over my head), before awkwardly bowing for a moment, still not completely at ease. “It is wonderful Princess, and I cannot thank you enough for your help. I just...” Even in this moment, what I’d lost wasn’t totally out of my mind. I closed my eyes, and lowered my head.

I felt her hoof under my chin, gently pushing up. I opened my eyes, and looked into hers. “I know. I’m very sorry that I can’t do more.” I could tell she meant it too. What empathy must she have learned, having millennia to observe and experience suffering? “I hope in time you will come to find yourself at home here.”

I just sighed. She was right, there wasn’t much else to do. I looked back at my new form. My tail was a light lime green, and my backside was... utterly bare. I couldn’t help but chuckle at this.

I was a blank flank.

She laughed a little too at my obvious amusement. “It seems like you’ll have to go through that stage of life like everypony else... finding your special talent. I’ll admit I didn’t know what to expect with that detail. It’ll be interesting to see what happens.”

I nodded. “I’ll be an odd one out still I guess. I doubt there are many fully grown ponies without their talent.”

“Well, thats an interesting detail. If I understood you right, you were an adult human... but you don’t look like an adult pony. Not a foal, to be sure, but no stallion either.” I started, and looked at my proportions more carefully. She was right. In fact by my own assessment, I’d say I was slightly younger than the ponies that any reader of this will likely be most familiar with.

I’d have been more surprised, but in circumstances like those, surprise was almost completely dulled under general shock. “What now, your highness?” Having thought about it, my voice did sound like I remembered years ago. Young

“Now you spend the night here, though I think it would be more comfortable for you to sleep in one of the guest beds, seeing as how your appearance won’t seem as strange to anypony. I have other matters to attend to, but I will see about getting you a more permanent place to stay, soon as I can.” She summoned a guard and directed him to lead me to a guest room. It was the one from earlier, who seemed much more relaxed, and therefore much more able to pull off the stoic demeanor than before. I bowed to the Princess once more. “Thank you again, it means... more than I can say.” She nodded, and gave an encouraging smile. “I hope you find it pleasant. Until later, then.”

With a flash, the only pony I knew in this new world disappeared, no doubt to more important business for her people than the fate of one strange wanderer. The guard led me silently out of the hall, up to a  spacious room with a large four poster bed, where he stood next to the doorway. “IF you need anything, food or the like, don’t hesitate to ask.” “Er... Thank you sir.” I muttered, before walking in. It suddenly occurred to me how exhausted I was. I climbed up onto the large, soft bed, and had just enough time to wonder what the heavenly material that made the covering was, before I fell fast asleep.

--

I was there for a week before I saw her again. In the meantime I was well fed and able to practice moving my wings a little. On the second day, a tutor came. He was an eager fellow, smiling and excitable, more than a little foolish at times... but he was patient, and good enough at explaining that, in only that week’s time, I was able to fly tolerably. He said I picked it up rather nicely, and I practiced moving through the gardens, and flying through one of the rather substantial hedge mazes in order to build up the strength in my wings. It was no easy task, mind you. I was years behind others my age, and along with the training there was the psychological element of learning to use an entirely new appendage. Flight itself though was an exquisite feeling. It was odd feeling yourself above the ground, even f only by a few inches, and knowing that you were holding yourself up. Control like that was strange to me, and in the midst of all the new and strange things, quite delightful. He took no end of amusement at the thrill I got simply from hovering awkwardly, and I can’t recall hearing more snorting and guffawing in all my life than the day I overshot, and landed in one of the thick tangled hedgerows with a muffled, leafy crash.

Being outdoors again was refreshing in and of itself. The manually managed weather cycle in Canterlot made for astoundingly perfect weather. Blue skies for most of the day, and brilliant cloudscapes in the morning and evenings, save when for some reason perfect clarity was needed, and then I could see the sun until the moment it vanished beyond. I usually spent the evenings wandering the gardens, until it was too dark to see comfortably. No one tried to stop me, and I even became something of a familiar face to the guards. The quiet gave me time to think, and take it all in at increments, day by day.

Unfortunately, even as it brought peace, it brought memories. A flood of memories, which no novelty could stifle.

The maddening part was the way things were left so wretchedly incomplete. It might have been more bearable, if I did not know that somewhere, “out there” if you will, my love, and my friends, and everyone who knew and cared about me at all... would likely be searching desperately for me. Not to sound self righteous... but I had vanished from them, as abruptly, as completely, with as much finality.. as they had from me. No farewell or closure. Just an abrupt end. I had to ask myself what I would have been doing if those days had passed normally, and I hadn’t ended up here. Would I be out, at the very moment, at a movie with my beloved? Would we be making love... having dinner... playing games? So many possibilities for what might have been. A small voice in the back of my mind made note of the fact that that still applied... but it was usually drowned out.

At the end of the week I was summoned to the entrance hall again to speak with the Princess. My tutor was there, chatting excitedly about my progress. When she saw me she smiled warmly, and asked how I was getting along. I explained, and even flew around the hall a bit, showing off what few tricks I knew, including a few loop the loops and a poorly executed twirling motion that almost sent me hurtling through the window. It earned a loud clear laugh from Celestia, and that made it quite worth the near catastrophe. At length of course I landed in front of her, and bowed low, asking what was to be done with me.

“I have found you a small cottage on the edge of a town called Ponyville, and I’ve set you up a small stipend so that you have plenty of time to settle in before you need to worry about anything else. You’ll be taken there tomorrow morning, by chariot.” I thanked her once more for her kindness, as a lost soul, and as a subject.

The next morning, I bade farewell to the Princess and my tutor.

“May you find comfort and peace.” This was her last blessing to me. I also thanked my tutor, who, rather than any formalities, said to simply call him Soarin. Then he gave me quite the hug. I was surprised, by the suddenness and the genuity alike, also by the endeared, even slightly protective manner he had. He barely knew me, still, I appreciated the affection, and quietly returned it. Simple, friendly affection... it gave more comfort, in its own way, than all the blessings of the Princess, though those too were meaningful beyond words.

Then I climbed into the back of the chariot, while they both stood and waved, the one in the blue uniform with the same, if I may be candid, slightly stupid grin on his face. They faded out of sight, after a while... and I was left with the open air... and a new life. If such a thing can be had.

For a moment, I actually chastised myself for this train of thought, thinking that it was nonsense to suppose I could not. Nietzsche said that "He who knows why he lives may bear almost any how." Of course, I only had a love of existence itself left as my "why"...

But perhaps, I thought, that was enough.

Perhaps wanting to live, and enjoy, would be enough in itself.