Castle Insanity

Taking place after the 'Announcement chapter' in Thorax's Story

It was a dark and gloomy evening in Canterlot. Everypony was sleeping, with the exception of those who were not, and Celestia was on her way to the record room, also known as Discord's bedroom. Few ponies other than Discord knew what actually went on behind the closed door, and Pinkie Pie was one of them. A while ago, a picture of the enormous cake Celestia was to devour in a record-setting time leaked. She could never hope to beat Pinkie's record of 0.1772... seconds, coincidentally being a tenth of the square root of pi, but she could always beat her own. “That reminds me of a science problem I'll have to ask Luna about.” Celestia muttered, only too late realizing that she said it out loud. Discord chuckled, and gave her a less than pleasant, and definitely not innocent, poke on the shoulder, before leaving the room empty save for Celestia and her double size wedding cake.

7.5 seconds later

Celestia waddled sluggishly down the hall leading to her room, barely noticing Discord, Luna, Moony, Chrysalis, and Flambé whispering, chatting, and, unbeknownst to her, making her as paranoid as possible so that she will expect something extremely horrid. Discord brought Flambé for an obscure reason. Luna pretended to be the first to notice Celestia, and spoke up:

“Hello, sister. We did not observe your passing us.” Celestia looked at her, but was unable to get any words out because her stomach chose that point to regurgitate a mouthful of cake frosting. Discord barely stifled a chuckle at the perfect timing of his mini prank, and he chose the perfect medium as well.

FLASHBACK

(with effects)

Zecora: “This potion, disguised as frosting paste,

   will make the consumer spew regurgitated waste.

   This potion for one half day will last,

   and if the target notices, get out of there fast.

END FLASHBACK

Celestia went back to her room, and noticed that her mouth was still full. She swallowed the frosting. Approximately three minutes later she realized how sleepless a night this would be for her. She decided to go to Discord's room after he was asleep, and give him a nice surprise.

The Next Morning

“EWWWWWWWWWW! Celestia?!” Discord hollered, waking up to a roomful of disgusting, dry, regurgitated food.

“I think he noticed, sister.” Luna told Celestia. They were both in Celestia's room at the time, playing a game of tic-tac-toe. Chrysalis took the opportunity to change into Celestia.

“Lu-lu, my plan worked!!!” Chrysa-lestia exclaimed, jumping into the room. Nightmare Moon walked in approximately three seconds later, coming face to face with two perplexed Celestias.

“Which of you is the real Celestia?” Moony demanded.

“Me!” Both of the Celestias exclaimed. Luna took the time to cast a Changeling revealing spell. Chrysalis was obviously revealed. Moony laughed.

“What is so funny about my being imitated, Moony?” Celestia was quite out of character.

“Chrysalis... took... the... time... to... imitate... your... size... and... weight... precisely. Even... outside... of... the... disguise.” Moony said, snickering in between each word. Celestia was frozen for a moment as she put together the sentence in her mind, regurgitated some more, and looked at Nightmare Moon with hatred in her every expression. Chrysalis also felt somewhat insulted, though she had been eating thirty doughnuts too many every day, to the point where one of her changelings said she wouldn't be able to fly if she ate any more. She flapped her wings experimentally when that thought crossed her mind. She didn't get any lift. At least she could still jump.

“WHAT!?” Celestia screamed. Discord chose that moment to throw a 'full-to-bursting package with a bomb inside it' at Celestia, before returning back to his recently cleaned room.

Later

Celestia had just finished coating Discord's statue with the regurgitated food he had stuffed into the bomb package. Then she unsealed him.

“EWWWWWWWWWW! Celestia?!” Celestia wondered what would happen next. About half an hour later, she got her answer. Everypony who was whispering last evening was back, but this time, Pinkie Pie was in it as well.

“How does that mare get around so quickly?” Celestia thought to herself, as she looked back on the friendship report (on the acceptance of ponies with weird sexual habits) that Pinkie had written herself, and which Celestia had read, becoming disturbed at the level of detail therein, five measly minutes ago. She decided to eavesdrop.

“Herpa-derpa-murpa-quip” Discord said.

“Hi Princess Celestia, I'm so happy you came! You have to listen to this conversation we're having! I think Discord wants to poison your food!” Pinkie said, in her 'normal' tone of voice.

“Murpa-deama-ran-tampan” Luna said, in response to Pinkie's amazingly normal statement. They all turned to look at Celestia right there and then. Celestia swore, she could feel the force of their collective gaze burning into her soul. It was worse than the Slendermane's, and she'd had her share of those. When she had had [sic] enough (It was CREEPY, they didn't even blink) she galloped away. She was never eating food again.

“Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha...” Pinkie unzipped her skin to reveal a disgruntled Prince Blueblood, who disappeared in a burst of green fire to reveal the changeling who was awkwardly named Thorax.

The Next Morning

Discord went on his weekly raid of the pantry, and activated the enchantment he had set on Celestia two evenings ago before. Celestia's mane suddenly looked grayer than normal, her coat became a dull pink (he reminded himself to thank Moony for that idea), and she gained a very nice moustache. Discord only forgot one thing: he forgot to ask himself what happens when one inverts the personality of the embodiment of all that is good, and plays three pranks on her at the same time. Approximately five seconds later, he does so, and realizes that unlike Nightmare Moon, there's nopony stopping Celestia from doing whatever she wants.

“Oh Tartarus, now I've got to do it to Moony and the others!” He somehow manages to do so.

Breakfast:

Chrysalis checks in with the cook, and says: “I don't eat regular food, emotion, especially love, is enough.” Then she leaves.

Luna walks in with Moony.“We wish to have some Eternal Night, ironically served with sunflower seeds.” Discord walks in, hears Luna's request, wonders whether the Flambé can prepare such a dish, then runs away, remembering that Celestia would soon be there.

“No, Loony-woony, I don't think the chefs can prepare that.” Moony interrupted. Discord, meanwhile, runs into Celestia just outside the dining room. Celestia is walking in a forced manner, and wearing some very nice sunglasses.

“Burn With Me,” she said.

“The sun, its alive!” Discord whimpered, as he realized that his back was pressed up against the wall. Celestia took off her sunglasses, and opened her eyes. After closing them, and putting her sunglasses back on, she walked into the dining hall. Minutes later, some passing pony would wonder why there was a Discord-shaped burn in the wall.

Moony was looking intently at the door. When it opened, she jumped up in hope, but her ears drooped when she noticed that it was only Celestia. Luna, on the other hand, began to shout in her loudest voice.

“It shall be, in all of Equestria, eternal night! We decree it thus!” Celestia, upon hearing those words, looked at Luna with pure hatred.

“It shall be, in all of Equestria, eternal day! I say so! You, on the other hand, will Burn With Me!”

Meanwhile, Discord began to reform in front of the ashes of what was his former body, ran into the hall, and yelled at the cooks to get out, “and quickly.” No sooner had the cooks gotten out, than the doors did slam shut by Celestia's magic. Discord at the time, had been running full speed at what used to be a portal to safety. The magically reinforced doors had something else in store for him.

“Burn With Me,” Celestia said. The three other immortals decided to forgo their food in favour of escaping, or, in Luna's case, defeating her oddly pink sister and bringing upon them eternal night.

“As could be expected, they all ended up on the moon for about three hours, and by the end of that time, the moon was somewhat more plasma-y than usual, or, for that matter, the sun.” Discord recounted to himself. “Not my fault.”

FOUR HOURS LATER

“Pegasus,” Celestia barked at a black pegasus pony flying overhead “come here.” He reluctantly went over to Celestia. “What is your name, Pegasus?” “Er...” He was clearly terrified, since Celestia's coat looked like it was covered in blood, then crudely painted over in white. That walrus moustache didn't help either.

“SPEAK YOUR NAME!” Celestia said in the Caps Lock that is the Voice!

“[size=2]Black Shadow?[/size]”

“SPEAK YOUR NAME LOUDER SO THAT I CAN HEAR LEST I RAIN FIREBALLS UPON YOU, HAVE YOU QUARTERED BY MY GUARDS, HAVE YOUR HEAD SENT TO THE GRYPHONS AS A SNACK, AND I WILL SAVE YOUR EYEBALLS FOR MYSELF! ONLY THEN WILL I LET YOU DIE.”The guards nearby almost snickered, until they heard the eyeball part

“M-m-my n-n-n-name is B-B-B-Black Sh-Sh-Shadow”

“Very well. You, Black Shadow, have the privilege of carrying this bomb- I mean device to Luna, and pressing the button. Extra points if Discord or Nightmare moon is nearby.” The guards actually smiled.

“No?” He replied.

“NO? YOU WILL DO IT, WHETHER I HAVE TO PUT YOU UNDER A MIND CONTROL SPELL, OR NOT.” Celestia hollered.

“I won't do it of my own will!” Even he was surprised at his sudden outburst of courage.

“Very well, you will do it without your will”

Her horn did not glow, and yet he was enveloped in an oddly eerie version of her magical aura.

“Neigh!” He screamed. Celestia was surprised by the resistance he was putting up. A few really old memories of hers seemed to become clearer than usual. Memories so old, they were almost gone. Only when it was too late did they present themselves in full to her mind. She immediately gave up, though the damage was done, and her normal, caring ego almost took control over Discord's magic.

“Leave my sight immediately, but do not leave Canterlot until I have spoken with you on this.” She ordered him. He all too readily obliged, and flew as quickly as possible to the other end of the unicorn city. Rainbow Dash, in Ponyville, heard a loud noise coming from the general direction of Canterlot, and saw a pure black version of a Sonic Rainboom. Celestia turned and spotted a golden-eyed, brown-maned and -colored earth pony.

“Earth Pony, come here!” He did so, and chuckled to himself. What Celestia didn't notice was that he looked uncomfortable in his crudely formed body, which had an interesting and protruding curved canine. By that time, Discord had already returned all the other characters to their normal selves.

Twenty Minutes Later

Celestia's evil personality having fallen off her after she unwittingly gave the bomb to Discord, him tapping her in the process (without her noticing), she proceeded to seek Luna, and give her warning. She couldn't find her, or anypony else anywhere, so Celestia decided to go to her own room and lay down for a while. Inside Celestia's room, however, was a convoluted arrangement. A string tugged when the door opened, turning on a taser, which in turn powered a sign which read "Caka-lestia (d)rules." This in turn activated a pair of paper ponies,and set them a-spinning. Looking ahead, instead of following the motion, Celestia saw that the dolls were winding a key, which was attached to a Discord doll. This looked like it was supposed to walk up to a lead ball, blow on it, making it drop through a series of pipes onto a black device with a button on top. By the time Celestia was a centimeter away from the bomb, the button was pressed. BOOM! When she woke up, Celestia went to the nearest intact mirror to see the damage. Her pink coat was charred, and her somewhat intimidating moustache singed. She would have to take a bath later, and get the nearest barber to restyle the 'stache.... Moustache? Pink coat? That annoying mosaic creature was going to get it, and good....

Midnight, that Night

Discord snapped awake when he heard a click, then a splat. “Celestia, stop draining the light out of this room please, I want to see whatever 'horrible' plan you came up with.” Celestia blushed, though Discord couldn't see it.

“How, my little annoying god of chaos, did you know it was me?”

“Why you, my cake-fattened Alicorn, should know that you're horrible at carrying out revenge plans subtly.” The lights went on just long enough for Discord to notice the paintball gun swinging towards his face, its projectile-shooting purpose forgotten. Celestia decided to try out getting a new special talent. “Lights... out.” She spent the next five days trying to get rid of her second cutie mark (a speech bubble with a sad face in it), representing a talent for horrible one-liners.

Six days later

Celestia was sitting in her throne room, having 'borrowed' all of Luna's sheets of paper, and was busy defiling them. A guard galloped in.

“News from northern Equestria, your, uh, highness.” he said.

“Yes?” She responded, having teleported the now ruined papers back to her sister's room.

“I am simply to tell you that it... has returned.” He then left.

“How am I going to get Luna out of participating in this one...” She thought to herself. She remembered what she did to get Luna out of the Discord incident. It wasn't going to work this time. Outwardly, though, she radiated concern.

One day later

Celestia herself was surprised at how well she had denied Luna any of what was to happen at the Crystal Empire. Luna, however, realized that this was the perfect time to make Celestia regret it. Taking the crystal that sat beside Celestia's throne (though nopony seemed to have noticed it yet), she imbued it with magic, and it split into multiple crystals. Now there were one hundred of them (plus the original), which were scattered around the castle, with one in every key point, and the rest just for support. Each had a clever invisibility spell cast upon it, and nopony would be the wiser.

Celestia was talking to the stallion she had almost turned into a suicide bomber. He wasn't happy to be there, considering what happened last time he saw her. Her horn glowed, and she appeared to be straining to do something, but he couldn't, for any reason, understand what was going on. Celestia gave up on her hopeless endeavor.

“I had hoped that it wouldn't have reached this stage,” she levitated a piece of paper to him “but now, I want you to try to pick this up with your hoof, then your forehead, and finally with your shoulder.”

“Have you gone mad?” He asked.

“No, I know what I ask you, do it.”

“Best to just humor her in this.” He thought to himself. He went up to the paper and put his hoof against the paper and was unsurprised when it stuck, although more easily than usual. All ponies could do that if they just focused enough. It was clumsier than the mouth, though, which was a problem when writing.

“Now think about it moving around, and try to get it to.” Celestia surprised him by saying. When he obeyed, he noticed that the paper was moving the way he willed it to. The same thing happened when he used his forehead, since only the hooves could do that normally. When he used his shoulder, the same thing happened. He never knew that it was possible to obtain a paper-cut on the muzzle.

“Um.... Can I go now?” He asked hopefully.

“No, you will stay here. I must go inform Luna of this. Do not leave.” He waited. And waited. And waited. And waited. Repeat fifty times. Just as he was nearing the doors to leave, Luna burst in, Taser in hoof.

“We are here.” Luna said. Celestia walked in behind her, facehoofing at the spectacularly useless entrance Luna made. Luna took Celestia's place on the throne, replacing the crystal when Celestia wasn't looking, and Celestia decided not to worry. The 'special' functions of the fancy seat were hers to use whenever she wanted to, so ten minutes worth of time, she could spare.

“You have placed me in an awkward position,” Both Black and Luna shuddered as they contemplated other interpretations of the statement, “enough ponies have what you have, but only few have the luck to get it activated. Worse still is that I activated it, making its power greater than anypony else who had the same ability and the luck to have it activated.”

“Oh phooey, just tell him!” Luna exclaimed exasperatedly. “We do not have the time to spare, and I believe that he is eager to leave, although I'm not.”

“We have no name for this ability, so it will never be recorded. It is almost useless in your day-to-day life, since the only effect you can actively control is the one you used on the paper. Namely the one of being able to levitate any object you touch, up to the extent of your ability's power. The two other effects, you can only control when their conditions are fulfilled. Firstly, if you can convince a unicorn to cast a spell through you, that is, one which in result occurs as though you cast it, you can take over, maintain, increase the power on, and slightly modify the spell. For all other non-unicorns the power of the spell is significantly reduced, but if it were to be used on... a still heart charm,” (read this for explanation)  “though it is illegal, the non-unicorn would gain the effect. Of course, the non-unicorn can consciously prevent this. Secondly, you can negate any spell affecting you, any object you touch, or any object magically linked to that. You have precise control over that. You, and you alone, could able to see through a changeling's disguise, since the change in appearance affects you directly, or you could tap the changeling, and destroy their disguise for everypony to see. The power of this ability is equivalent to the power of the unicorn (or alicorn) who activated it.”

“Buck it!” Luna silently cursed, since that last effect meant he could destroy her plan for the crystals by simply tapping one of them. “Sister, the irony of it is that every time you use your full power, instead of limiting yourself by using your horn, something like this happens.” Luna soon succumbed to the throne once more.

“If this were a story, I would be glad.” Celestia muttered, loudly enough so that everypony in the room heard.

“If this were a story, I would be cursing the author for inserting me into it in such a way that neither I nor anypony else knows anything about me. Even worse is the fact that I have been given an ability with infinite power which is pretty much useless.” Black complained. “I made up my name on the spot, since you were yelling at me.”

“Well, my little pony, if this were a story, the author must be very lazy. He didn't even care to give you a history. That is the worst way possible for an author to introduce an original character.” Celestia responded sympathetically. “And the ability is not as useless as you think, at least your timeline is intact. One thousand years ago, Luna and I defeated Sombra, and one year before that, I banished Nightmare Moon. Yes, our power is infinite, and we can do anything with it, but nopony seems to need it anymore. You have enough history to have a cutie mark!” She exclaimed at the end, noticing just that.

“We believe the author would therefore be a fat mule.” Luna input. “No offense.” She added, noticing the mule that seems to pop up wherever somepony uses its species as an insult. She finished it off by doing a weird and embarrassing dance that made Black look away after three seconds, and Celestia after twenty. A minute later, the dance was over.

“That dance felt... vengeful.” Luna commented, wondering why she would ever do such a thing.

“Wait, what? He/she gave me a cutie mark? I didn't have one when we met, a week ago.” He looked at his flank, noting the regular octagram on his flank with distaste.

“It doesn't matter. Since nopony cares about, or misses you, how would you like to work odd jobs in the castle?” Celestia asked, making the job offer clear.

“Not too well, but I'm probably not going to get a better offer anywhere else.” He replied, giving Celestia reason to believe that he would willingly subject himself to lessons on how to annoy. Celestia was once had the nickname of Trollestia, and she had to show the world why once more, albeit in an indirect way. It would be much more fun than reading the accursedly boring friendship reports (some were fine, and others were enjoyable, but most were not) she had forced her student (and later, the rest of Ponyville) to write, and even more so than when she was teaching Twilight.

“So it shall be. Go find Discord and tell him I called. You may have today off.” Luna said. Black left the throne room, once again noticing the large amount of eerie looking crystals placed at irregular intervals in the halls.