It was late at night, and Halo Man was putting his son Facerape to bed. It had been two weeks since his loving pterodactyl wife Ridley had gotten startled by a meerkat, and eaten Humples and Buttrub in her fear induced rampage. Halo Man was just glad that Facerape had survived the onslaught, after all, Facerape was always his favorite child.
Of course the only reason that Facerape was his favorite, was because he was the cutest and the best at humping his foes. He had known Facerape would be a prodigy in the field of humping from the very first day. He had taken them out to begin their training. Buttrub and Humples were very good as well, but Halo Man realized that Facerape was leagues ahead of them when he knocked them both out and tea bagged them too.
Humping indiscriminately, that was the key to unlocking the true power of humping. Halo Man knew this, and so did his son. His beautiful half Halo half pterodactyl demon son.
"Tell me a story daddy," said Facerape, in his horrible voice that sounded like a screech mixed with Robert Goulet's singing.
"Okay," replied Halo Man," this is the story of how I trolled five Halo Men in one game. I was part of a lobby in a flood game, and the team had voted for my favorite map. Once the game started I ran to the nearest Halo, jumped on top of him and started humping. Now he tried to run away but I'm a Professional Halo, so it was no use. Eventually he started getting angry, and so he hit me. Naturally I pulled out my shotgun and blew his head off. I did this about three more times before he finally quit the game."
"Didn't you run into any flood," asked the adorable little hideous creature.
"Let me finish," replied Halo Man," I looked over and saw that all of the Flood were attacking my teammates who had been stupid enough to bunch together, then I noticed one of them sniping from a cliffside and I got an idea. I walked over to him and pushed him off without hitting him, he was so mad that he ran up and shot me, so I booted him. I spent the rest of the game pushing my teammates into groups of flood and getting them killed, then I killed all of the Flood and humped them."
Halo Man looked down to see that his son had fallen asleep during his story, so Halo Man bent down and kissed his son's visor, then he went to his bedroom and snuggled with his wife Ridley.
Pinkie Pie was lying on the ground, drawing circles with her hooves. She sighed and lowered her head, content to just sit and think, it had been a whole year since their friend Halo Man had saved them all from certain doom at the hands of the changelings, and Pinkie desperately missed him. She had been sad to see him go, after all, she had been a part of one of his most intimate moments, teaching him how to sleep. She trotted over to Twilight's library, maybe she'd be able to help.
Pinkie raised a hoof and knocked on the door of Twilight's treehouse. The door opened, to reveal a haggard looking Twilight Sparkle.
"What is it Pinkie?"
"Twilight do you remember when Halo Man came to Equestria?"
"How could I forget? My bathtub still smells like horchatas."
"Well I want you to send me to his dimension."
Twilight blinked, not sure if she heard Pinkie correctly.
"What did you say?"
"I said I want to go see Halo Man. Do you know some kind of spell that'll get me to him?"
Twilight thought for a moment, on one hand if Pinkie left they would no longer have the element of laughter, on the other hand Pinkie would be gone. Realizing that this would be the perfect opportunity to get rid of Pinkie, Twilight decided to help.
"Sure Pinkie, I conveniently have a dimensional transporter right here, and don't worry, this isn't the laziest way to get you there at all, and the writer is definitely not an idiot."
"Thanks Twilight," said a very in character Pinkie Pie. She began pressing buttons.
"Wait a minute Pinkie," Twilight walked over to her cub bard and pulled out a Fluttershy. She handed it to Pinkie.
"What's this for," asked Pinkie, closely examining the Fluttershy.
"It's the Fluttershy that Halo Man wore as a hat, it still has traces of his DNA on it, so it should help you find him."
"Don't you need it though?"
"It's okay, I've got way more in the basement."
Pinkie shrugged and waved the dimensional transporter in front of her new Fluttershy and the words "Metroid Dimension" appeared on the transporter's small screen.
"Well there you go," said Twilight," just press that green button."
Halo Man was plugging a large speaker into the wall, looking back to make sure his wife was still asleep. He pulled out a microphone and turned the speakers all the way up, he took a deep breath and started singing.
"I need a Halo! I need a Halo at the end of the night!
He's gotta be strong, he's gotta be tough, he's gotta know how to hump just right!
I need a haloooooo!"
Ridley Sqwaked and fell out of bed, startled by the sudden noise. She got up and turned to Halo Man. She approached him with bloodlust in her eyes. Halo Man decided now would be a good time to explain himself.
"Now honey-" Ridley bit Halo Man's head off.
"Decapitation," said a gruff voice from out of nowhere. Ridley tea bagged her husband, celebrating the unlocking of her latest achievement. She wasn't worried, she knew her husband would respawn eventually, although it might take all night because oof how many betrayals her husband commited. She layed down in her bed and went to sleep.
I'm not sorry. Well maybe a little sorry.
Please forgive me Ethesto.
The True meaning of Gorebo
Halo man was sitting at a table, sipping tea through his visor. He was a refined Halo, sitting with his legs crossed. Looking around at the devastation he had caused, what with the unconscious pony on the floor surrounded by rubble, he began to feel a bit embarrassed. Maybe he wasn't being fancy enough, this was a problem because he left his top hat in another suit of armor. Wait a second, he doesn't have a suit of armor, which means he doesn't have a top hat. Halo man felt like he was dying inside...
"No top hat," he thought to himself,"what is the world coming to?" suddenly Halo Man realized the true solution to all of his problems. It was so obvious, how had he never seen it before? The unconscious pony, the squawking wife, even the rubble. They'd all disappear in an instant if he just did one simple thing.
Halo Man stuck out his pinkie.
"Perfect, " he thought with his moist Halo brain," When in doubt pinkies out. I believe Steve Kardashian said that." Actually he didn't.
Halo Man decided it was too quiet, so he decided to break said silence in the only way he could think of.
"Anyone up for karaoke?"
Ridley, his loving wife, once again lunged at Halo Man to bite his head off, but this time he was ready. He leapt to the side and jumped on Ridley's back. Then he pulled out his DMR and placed three solid rounds into her skull. Ridley fell to the ground and died instantly.
Halo Man began to hump his dead wife. Suddenly he heard a loud moan, it was pink metroid pony.
"Halo Man!" she yelled happily. Wait, how did she know his name? She probably read his mind. Halo Man doesn't like having his mind read, it's scientifically proven to cause scurvy. Oh well, he'd have to go to the doctor later, for now this metroid had to die.
He lunged at the metroid, punching it to the floor, naturally he assumed it was dead, so he began to hump it into submission.
"Ha ha, die metroid scum."
The pink metroid rose to it's hooves, holy shit, why is it alive? Metroids usually die after one hit, but this one is like a boss or something. Halo Man realized that if this was a boss, then he'd get something really sexy for killing it to death.
"I don't know what a metroid is, come on Halo Man, don't you recognize me? I'm Pinkie Pie.
"That's not true, that's impossible."
"Search your feelings, you know it to be true."
Halo man widened his visor in shock, how did Pinkie get here? Probably through satanic means, and he didn't want to be involved with any satan men.So he killed Pinkie,blew Facerape's head off and killed himself.
The end. I'm fucking done.
Author's Note
I don't like writing this story. I'm done with it.
Halo Man follows his heart.
Halo Man was floating around in limbo, casually waiting to be respawned. It had been several hours now and he was very bored, he sighed, the only reason he had to wait was because there was no OnStar in this dimension, come to think of it there wasn't even an OnStar in Halo Land, so why did he remember it?
Deciding to blame the whole thing on magic, Halo Man checked his watch. Three hours left. Halo Man decided to pass the time in the only way he knew how, well the only way other than using his Hulu helmet app, which also didn't work in his dimension. He stretched out his sexy Halo muscles and then began to teabag in the air, firing hump lazers every which way.
"Wait a minute," said Halo Man," how am I even humping? There aren't even any dead bodies."
Suddenly, as if on cue, his Halo Hump beams shut off, leaving him humping the air and looking rather rediculous, he blushed through his visor and used his purple pimp hat to cover his shame.
Suddenly the air around him began to snap, crackle, and pop. Halo Man was engulfed in a wave of yellow energy.
Pinkie Pie was sitting at a table drinking tea, and having a riveting conversation with Ridley, when Halo Man appeared on the table, still humping. He looked at his radar and saw a red dot rapidly moving towards him, and he turned to see Pinkie Pie lunging towards him, arms outstretched. Coming to the obviously brilliant solution that the Metroid Man's enemies must have somehow turned into ponies, he brought his fist up into Pinkie's chin, sending her flying through the ceiling.
"SHORYUKEN!"
Sorry for the short chapter but I'm busy making bootleg German porn.
