Fantastic Beasts and How to Avoid Them by Professor Crypto Theory

An A-Z of Fantastic Beasts (part 2)

Minotaur

The Minotaur is a large, upright bull capable of intelligent thought and incredible feats of strength (although, they still have trouble with pickle jars.)  Humanoligists, such as my colleague Doctor Lyra Heartstrings, believe that Minotaurs should be classified as part of the mish-mash genus as they are part Human. Officially, this is dismissed as the ramblings of crackpots.

Minotaurs originate from the far away land of Fleece; renowned for its sweater and cardigan industry. Minotaurs have the ability to never get lost, as they evolved in the maze-like hedge mazes of Fleece. Very little is known of Minotaur culture as, when you ask a Minotaur, he tells you to shut up, stop asking stupid questions and could you tell him where the bathroom is please. At least, that’s what happens in my experience.

Minotaurs have a relationship with Goats. No, not like that, they’re just good friends. The Minotaurs let the Goats have all the sweaters and cardigans they can eat and, in return, the Goats act as servants for the Minotaurs.

Danger Rating: Silver

Further Reading: That’s A Load Of Bull by Professor Minos Crete

Parasprite

Parasprites are fast breeding (they vomit up their young) faeries with an appetite that rivals Princess Celestia when confronted with cake. They are native to Zebrica and have been responsible for many famines over the last three hundred years. Parasprites were created by the Zebras to wipe out enemy tribes’ food supplies (hey, that rhymes!)

Their rapid reproduction, massive appetite and “adorable” appearance (yeah, right) were all purposely designed to make the Parasprites deadly weapons. Despite their fearsome reputation in their homeland, they are not very well known outside of Zebrica. This may be because the Zebras are rather embarrassed about the whole thing. There are unconfirmed rumours of Parasprite swarms settling overseas in Equestria, but these are unconfirmed.

Parasprites have been known to eat the following: wheat, maize, corn, flowers, trees, bushes, bread, cake, vegetables, fruit and the contents of coffins. But not spinach. They don’t like spinach. Many Zebra farmers try to take advantage of this by only growing spinach. Unfortunately, nopony likes spinach and it won’t grow in Zebrica anyway.

Under no circumstances should you attempt to cast an appetite-cancelling spell (often used in pony dieting) on a Parasprite swarm as this may instead triple their appetite and cause them to devour buildings and other objects. This is funny but also quite destructive.

If you are having trouble with a Parasprite swarm, try playing some music. Music seems to affect their mood; Classical clams them down, Pop makes them happy and Hip-Hop makes them angry. Of course, they may try to eat your musical instrument if it is made out of wood, as my cousin Octavia once learnt the hard way.

Danger Rating: Silver

Further Reading: Parasprite Polka by Pinkamena Diane Pie

Phoenix

Phoenixes are spirits that live on (or in) the sun. They take the form of a large, orange bird of prey when they visit our world. I’m not sure why. If I was a near immortal fire spirit, I’d take the form of a giant Manticore and go to town on the nearest town, but I suppose I’m the only one with any imagination.

When a Phoenix reaches the end of one of its many lifetimes, it crumbles into ash and rebirths itself. It’s as disgusting as it sounds; not at all “beautiful” as many ponies would have you believe. There is debate over how many times a Phoenix can go this. Some say 12, others say 507. Personally, I don’t give a flying feather.

Princess Celestia famously owns a pet Phoenix named Philomena (incidentally, it bit me once.) Philomena often flies to the sun and back to inform her mistress of how the star is doing and if any maintenance is needed.

If you anger a Phoenix, it will unleash its fire powers on you. Being naturally peaceful creatures (apparently) the worst they will do is frighten you or char your mane. The worst Phoenix injury ever (a singed tail) was reported four hundred years ago by a pegasus called Hypo Driac. He complained for weeks. The only real way to anger a Phoenix is too threaten its eggs or insult its mother.

Danger Rating: Bronze (honestly, they won’t do anything to you. Just stay away from any eggs.)

Further Reading: The Order Of The Phoenix by Princess Celestia

Sea Ponies

We have all heard the myths of the Sea Ponies. A beautiful, intelligent, aquatic race of ponies who admired art and music.

In reality, the Sea Ponies were quite different. They weren’t beautiful; they were an ugly mish-mash of pony and sea creature. Honestly, they looked like something a seagull would cough up. The Sea Ponies didn’t like music or art. The sound waves wouldn’t carry properly underwater and the paint would always run on any art. While it’s true that they were intelligent, they actively shunned contact with land ponies. Snobs.

Nopony is quite sure of how the Sea Ponies first came to be. Some say a tribe of ponies were forced into the sea and adapted to it. Others say they just tripped into the sea. Others say that some sort of slipping was involved but we can’t be sure.

Sea Pony language was based on echolocation. Above water, it just sounded like strange singing (many ear witnesses describe it as sounding like “shoop be doo.”)

As you know, Sea Ponies completely disappeared one hundred and fifty years ago. The world’s oceans have been searched but there is no sign of them. There are many theories on where the Sea Ponies went (see the further reading entry). Some think they went to more secluded oceans to live in peace. Some think they went into outer space. Personally, I don’t give a flying feather.

Danger Rating: N/A. Seeing as how they don’t exist anymore.

Further Reading: So Long, And Thanks For All The Fish by Dugless Apples

Sea Serpent

Sea Serpents (and their smaller cousins, River Serpents) are fearsome predators that live in practically every body of water in the known world. Yes, even your garden pond. Now you know what happened to your ducks.

In Sea and River Serpent culture, whoever is the most fabulously styled is the dominant male. Due to this, Serpents are the biggest consumers of male beauty products (hair gel, deodorant, aftershave, moustache combs) in the whole world. Many fashionista ponies cater exclusively to the Serpent market. Possibly because they don’t have any talent elsewhere and one of my ex-wives was a fashionista and no I’m not bitter of course I’m not.

How exactly Serpents keep their hair looking good, despite living underwater, is one of life’s great unsolved mysteries. Right up there with the meaning of existence and the way into a mare’s heart. Probably. Nopony has asked a Serpent because they usually just say that you’re jealous.

If you encounter a hostile Serpent, go for the moustache and/or beard. Handlebar moustaches and goatees are especially vulnerable. If their precious facial hair is damaged, Serpents fall into a great depression. And depression is always worth a good laugh or two.

Danger Rating: Silver (If provoked. They’re usually too busy grooming themselves to bother with ponies.)

Further Reading: You Moustache Me A Question by Steven Magnet

Timberwolf

Timberwolves are mish-mashes of wolves and trees. They are infamous for their sheer savagery, brutal methods of killing and bad breath. They hunt in packs and have been known to eat sheep, pigs, cows and ponies. The dominant male in each pack can be identified by the crest of brambles atop his head. This is typically used to disembowel prey.

Timberwolves were created four hundred years ago by the dark unicorn Pungeon Master. When questioned, he said he made the Timberwolves “just for pun.”

Yes. Really.

Timberwolves are only encountered in the Everfree Forest, just south of Ponyville. So, if you wish to avoid them, stay the hay away from there. If you want to see Timberwolves, I suggest you go for it because we don’t need idiots like you in our gene pool. Only smart ponies like me. And maybe the Great and Powerful Trixie because that mare has got it going on.

What?

Danger Rating: Gold

Further Reading: Oh God Please Help I’m Being Chased By Timberwolves by an unknown author (the body was never found.)

Troll

Trolls are small, grey-skinned imps. Trolls are not capable of intelligent thought but are still capable of speech. Although, the speech is always limited to short (and insulting) bursts. Famously, Francis of Aneighneigh was once called a “pinheaded pencilnecked geek” by a Troll.

Trolls usually live under bridges where they survive on a diet of rotten fish and never, ever wash. Because of this, they are the preferred prey of Sea and River Serpents as, it is believed, the Serpents wish to rid the world of the Trolls’ un-fabulousness.

Trolls have been known to latch onto a specific pony and hound them constantly. The constant insults can provide entertainment for your friends, but it is better to deliver a quick, hard kick to the Troll’s face and be done with it.

According to legend, there is a single Troll who travels the world insulting every living thing on the planet. In reverse alphabetical order. Such pettiness. You have to admire it, really. Incidentally, a Troll I once encountered in Fillydelphia called me a “bitter, cynical, egotistical depressed loser.” I don’t know what he was talking about.

Danger Rating: Bronze

Further Reading: Nothing. Nopony has written a book on Trolls because nopony can stand to be around them for an extended period of time.

Quarray Eel

Quarray Eels are members of the snake family (I know, I know, just go with it) who typically reside in mountainous regions where there are plenty of nooks and crannies to hid in. The reason for this is that Quarray Eels are very, very shy. So shy that nopony would ask them to the prom. If they had proms. Which they don’t. Forget the prom.

Quarray Eels spend their whole lives in their hidey-holes (as is the correct scientific term.) They survive on a diet of moss (which they naturally excrete from their bodies) and small insects (which they don’t naturally excrete from their bodies.) They only exit their hidey-holes if something moves close by. They poke out their heads to say hello to whomever it is, snapping their jaws in the usual Quarray Eel way of greeting. Many ponies mistake this for hostile behaviour. Can’t think why.

As their head is only part of a Quarray Eel to leave the hidey-hole, nopony knows what the rest of the creature looks like. If you asked nicely, a Quarray Eel would just shy away. Lemon Blossom of Canterlot is reported to have once seen the rest of a Quarray Eel. She is now a permanent resident at the Canterlot Home for Off Their Rocker Ponies.

Quarray Eels are the only creature in this book that I genuinely like. They’re that lovely.

Danger Rating: Bronze

Further Reading: That’s A Moray by Professor Crypto Theory (yes, I’m plugging my own book. Shut up.)

Ursa

Ursas are enormous bears made out of starlight held together by a natural magic field. Ursas feed off of moonlight in the same way a plant feeds off sunlight. Y’know, that really long complicated word that begins with a P that I can’t be bothered to look up in the dictionary.

Ursas go through two stages in their life cycle. The larvae form (the Ursa Minor) is roughly the size of a large house and is very aggressive. Ursa Minors have been known to attack towns and absorb the inhabitants into their bodies. Nopony knows what happens inside an Ursa’s body put it can’t be pretty. The adult form (the Ursa Major) is even bigger than a dragon. It is mellower than its young, but it still isn’t wise to throw rocks at an Ursa Major. Trust me on that.

Once an Ursa Minor is ready to mature into an Ursa Major, it spins a cocoon out of starlight and metamorphoses (phew, that was a long word) into its adult form. This process usually takes a century or two. Once their young have entered the cocoon stage, Ursa Majors crumble into stardust, their job complete. Stardust is very hot and, once it has been cooled for at least nine decades, makes a good ingredient in curries.

Ursas, both Minor and Major, are indestructible. There are tales of extremely talented unicorns vanquishing rampaging Ursas, but I respectfully think that they are talking complete and utter horseapples. If you encounter an Ursa, kiss your flank goodbye and cancel any upcoming dates.

Danger Rating: Gold

Further Reading: Starbear Waiting In The Sky by Doctor Daffy Bowie

Windigo

Windigos are the twisted spirits of former ponies who feed off hatred and wish to freeze the entire world until they are the only beings left. They can only be defeated by pure friendship and love (yuck!)

This is according to the Equestria founding legend, of course. In true, there is no evidence that Windigos ever existed. It is far more likely that the early Equestrians did not understand about natural weather (a rare phenomenon) and blamed their misfortunes on imaginary evil spirits. Indeed, as you know, it is commonly accepted that most of the Hearth’s Warming Eve myth is exaggerated or fabricated.

So, no, Windigos don’t exist. Then again, nopony believed in the Dock Ness Monster and now she’s Celestia’s accountant.

Hmm. Is it just me, or is it a bit chilly outside?

I’m not sure why I wrote that last bit.

Danger Rating: N/A

Further Reading: The classic (and overrated) storybook we all grew up with, Our Equestrian Story (Illustrated).

Zebbaworm

Native to the plains of Zebrica, the Zebbaworm is a long, thin, green worm roughly the size of a dog. Its diet consists of dried leaves and nothing else. Scientists have attempted to get the Zebbaworm to expand its horizons, but it’s just not interested.

Much like the Parasprite, Zebbaworms are used as instruments of war by the Zebra tribes. However, Zebbaworms are natural creatures, not magical constructs like the Parasprites.

The Zebbaworm is used by the Zebras to torture prisoners. For the Zebbaworm is so dull, so mind-bogglingly uninteresting, that being trapped in a room with it is enough to make even the more hardened warrior crack. We’re talking mathematics levels of boredom here. Prisoners tortured by Zebbaworm often try to take their own lives. It’s just that dull.

If you find yourself trapped in a room with a Zebbaworm, don’t attempt to stamp on it. You will be so bored that will literally not be able to lift a hoof. Try thinking of something fun and interesting (like me, for example) to stop your brain from melting and pouring out of your eye sockets.

There are no Zebbaworms in Equestria. They are banned by Pony Rights laws.

Danger Rating: Gold

Further Reading: I wouldn’t recommend anything. Reading books about the Zebbaworm is hazardous to your health.