Fantastic Beasts and How to Avoid Them by Professor Crypto Theory

An A-Z of Beasts (part 1)

Ahuizotl

Ahuitzotls are mish-mashes (note: a mish-mash is any beast that combines traits from more than one other living creature. For more information see the further reading entry at the bottom of this passage.) Combining traits from monkeys (one of my least favourite animals, incidentally), dogs and bears, the Ahuizotl is a frightening creature.

As Ahuitzotls live in the jungles of Screamdonia, far to the south of Equestria, not much is known about them. There are unconfirmed reports of Ahuitzotls eating ponies but it is believed their diet really consists of rabbits, fish and monkeys (serves them right, the hairy little buggers.)

Due to the popularity of the Daring Do book series (I read one of those once; it was awful) many ponies believe that Ahuitzotls are capable of speech and intelligent thought. Most educated ponies, like me, know that this is a load of old donkey’s kidneys and that the average Ahuizotl is no more intelligent than a tepid glass of milk.

If you are unfortunate enough to encounter an Ahuizotl, it will most likely try to throttle you with the strong hand (a hand is like a hoof except with wiggly bits hanging off of it) on the end of its tail. I know this from personal experience. My throat still gets sore whenever I drink something. Your best chance is to throw your pet at the Ahuizotl attacker and hope for the best. What? It’s not like you can’t just buy another one.

Danger Rating: Silver

Further Reading: Whole Sort of General Mish-Mash by Dugless Apples

Buzzard

The Buzzard is a large bird that constantly emits a shrill, high-pitched buzzing noise. Prolonged exposure to the Buzzard’s buzzing can cause mild annoyance and/or slight irritation.

Buzzards are an endangered species. This is due to the fact that they are delicious. Really delicious. Really, really delicious. Really, really, really delicious. Ponies have been known to kill just to get a taste of that sweet, sweet Buzzard meat. Seriously, you haven’t lived until you’ve tried Buzzard. Go on; go outside and kill one now. I won’t tell anypony.

I once ate my niece’s pet Buzzard. When she asked where Buzz-Buzz had gone, I told her he had run away. She totally believed me.

Danger Rating: Bronze

Further Reading: Buzzard In My Bonnet by Buzz All-Din

Cerberus

A Cerberus is an enormous dog with three-heads and about half the brains. Infamously, Cerberuses only have one quarter of a brain in each head, making them rather dim-witted and easy to fool. Indeed, I can say from personal experience that playing fetch with a Cerberus is incredibly frustrating and a huge waste of time. But enough about how thick they are (they are REALLY thick; I could go on all day.)

Cerberuses are created by using dark magic to mash three separate dogs together. This process has been illegal since the passing of the Anti-Cruelty to Beasts Act (they won’t let you have any fun, will they?) and, as such, there are now very few Cerberuses left in the world. Indeed, there are only three recorded cases of a Cerberus in the last one thousand years. The guard of the ancient prison Tartarus, Queen Wutanga of Zebrica’s pet Cerberus (named Cuddles) and the infamous tyrant King Sombra’s attack dog (although there are theories that Sombra simply made up the Cerberus to increase his notoriety.)

If you wish to survive an encounter with a Cerberus, I suggest you carry a dictionary or thesaurus. Reading long words (eight letters or more) out loud will confuse the beast, allowing you to either make your escape or laugh at the stupid thing. I suggest doing both.

Danger Rating: Silver (would be a Gold if they weren’t so pitifully stupid.)

Further Reading: Got To See A Stallion About A Dog by Professor Tail Wagging

Changeling

A Changeling (archaically known as a Fairy, Faerie or Pixie) is an insectoid, shape-shifting close relative of us Equestrian ponies. Their home, the Desolate Wasteland, is peppered with huge mounts (the largest of which is reported to be as large as Canterlot Castle) which house hives that sometimes number into the tens of thousands. Each hive is constantly at war with each other and is ruled over and commanded by a Changeling Queen.

Changeling Queens display far more intelligence than their Warrior underlings and are roughly the size of a Pegasus Unicorn (or “Alicorn.”) Queens are known to be cunning, sadistic and very vain. Never insult a Changeling Queen’s appearance, or face her wrath. For example, I once told a Changeling Queen she looked like a burnt, crispy hay fry. Apparently, she took offence to this, as evident by her trying to use my kidneys for a game of conkers. Changeling Kings, on the other hoof, are small, feeble, submissive and only serve to fertilise the Queen’s eggs (which often number six hundred each time so it’s a rather strenuous job). There are “whipped” as the young ponies would say.

All Changelings are capable of advanced shape-shifting magic. They use his ability to replace loved ones and feed off love, their primary food source. Spotting a Changeling imposter is difficult. I would recommend stamping on your loved ones’ hooves every once in a while. If they respond with an insectoid shriek, you may be in trouble. It’s important to be safe. If you truly love your wife, you’ll hit her.

Changelings are capable of flight and can also discharge dangerous bolts of excess magic energy from their jagged horns, making them formidable and irritating foes. Theories that bug stray may be effective are unconfirmed. Causing them to overdose on love may be effective but nopony has been brave or drunk enough to try that yet. Rumours of a rogue Changeling hive hiding in the Canterlot Mountains are unconfirmed and are likely a lot of old dragon dung.

Overall, they aren’t very pleasant.

Danger Rating:

• Bronze (Changeling Kings)

• Silver (Changeling Warriors)

• Gold (Changeling Queens)

Further Reading: Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes by Doctor Daffy Bowie

Cockatrice

The Cockatrice (whose name has caused inappropriate giggles amongst schoolfoals for generations) is perhaps the most famous of the mish-mash genus. It combines traits of a chicken, a snake and a dragon. Cockatrices have the ability to freeze any living creature they look at into stone. This ability is difficult to control for adolescent Cockatrices and so they are forced to mate with their eyes closed. I know from first hoof experience that this is utterly hilarious to watch.

Cockatrices often decorate their nests with their frozen victims. I assume they are used as paperweights or conversation starters at parties. The stoning (don’t laugh) process is reversible. If you find an unfortunate pony being used as a Cockatrice’s paperweight, simply submerge them in boiling water for up to fifteen hours and they should be fine. Other than the third degree burns. Fluttershy of Ponyville has wrote to tell me that the stoning process can be reversed by simply talking to the Cockatrice but I think she’s a lying liar so there.

Cockatrices were created by the unicorn Crack Pot the Strange using dark magic almost seven hundred years ago. When questioned about why we would create such a terrifying creature, Crack Pot simply stated that it was a Sunday afternoon and that he had nothing better to do.

Cockatrices are found all over Equestria, mostly in forests and swamps. If you encounter a Cockatrice, I recommend you come to terms with the idea of being a paperweight for the rest of eternity. Isn’t nature grand?

Danger Rating: Gold

Further Reading: Nopony Calls Me Chicken by Marley McFlew

Diamond Dog

Diamond Dogs live far underground in elaborate tunnels they create using their almost magical adeptness at digging. Diamond Dogs are one of the most unpleasant races in Equestria. They look bad, smell bad, talk bad, write bad, cook bad and dance bad. A Diamond Dog wouldn’t even lift a paw to save his own mother from a hungry Manticore unless she offered to pay him for his services.

Diamond Dogs are obsessed with gems of all kinds. So whoever named them Diamond Dogs was a bit narrow minded, really. They have been known to enslave ponies to help them in their endless search for gems. Diamond Dogs also occasionally raid dragon treasure hoards which is an astoundingly stupid thing to do but is infinitely entertaining to watch.

Diamond Dog culture (I use culture in the loosest possible sense) is based around smell. Whomever smells the worse is dominant. One Diamond Dog in particular, Dizzy the Flatulent, smelt so bad that seven of the attendants to his twenty-first birthday party died of internal bleeding. And they were Diamond Dogs. You do not want to know what happened to the ponies that were unlucky enough to catch a whiff of him.

If you are going to travel in Diamond Dog territory (I’m not sure why you’d want to but I suppose not everypony is sensible like me) then I suggest you carry some fake costume jewellery with you. It’s worthless of course, but they don’t know that. I would also recommend breathing through your mouth or cutting off your nose.

Danger Rating: Silver

Further Reading: He Who Smelt It Dealt It by Professor Bow Wow

Dragon

The dragon is one of the largest beasts in the world, second only to the Ursa Major (a fact that many dragons are rather bitter about.) Once they reach maturity (usually at around five hundred years of age) a dragon will stop ageing and is effectively immortal. The oldest recorded dragon is Strax the Fibber, who claims to be over fifty thousand years old. However, many other dragons think he is lying or exaggerating. Hence the name. Of course, it is still possible for an ageless dragon to be killed by blunt force, but if you try to murder a full grown dragon you must have about as much sense as a drunken Diamond Dog.

There are many breeds of dragon across the world. I could list them all here but it’s five o’clock on a Friday afternoon and I can’t be bothered. So I’ll just list the famous ones: Red-Ridge Mountain Dweller, Green-Horn Forest Dweller, Equestrian Potbellied Wingless and Jewel-Encrusted Crack Attack. There. That’s all you’re getting. Look it up if it interests you so much.

All breeds of dragon are immune to extreme heat. This means they can breathe fire, bathe in lava and brush their teeth with sulphur. Strax the Fibber claims he once flew into the sun and came out perfectly fine. Again, he might be exaggerating.

If you meet a dragon I recommend grovelling on your knees and begging for your life. It didn’t work for me in the Fields of Happenstance, but you might have better luck. You couldn’t possibly have worse luck.

Danger Rating: Gold

Further Reading: Oh Celestia Please Don’t Kill Me by Burnt N Crispy

Griffon

Griffons are the only member of the mish-mash genus to have intelligent thought. They are a mix of eagles and lions. Their civilization (whose name is unpronounceable to ponies; possibly because the Griffons just want to be awkward) exists far north of Equestria, past even the Frozen North and where the Crystal Empire is believed to have once existed.

Historically, Griffons and ponies have never quite got on. The most infamous and bloody of the conflicts being the Pony-Griffon Kerfuffle of almost twelve thousand years ago. It is believed that the Kerfuffle started when the ponies and Griffons disagreed about whose creation myth was correct. Griffons believe the world exists on the back of a housefly and that the apocalypse will come in the form of an impossibly huge fly swatter. You already know the pony creation myth, of course. You also know that it is the correct one.

Griffon culture is based around being talented. Being talented at absolutely anything. Cooking, singing, dancing, fighting and so on. Even a talent at bullying or just generally being a complete and total featherbrain is seen as a positive thing. Griffons who aren’t particularly talented in one field are shunned by society and are referred to as “Them Guys Who Don’t Do Anything.” It sounds much less silly in Griffinese.

Griffons have razor sharp beaks and talons. In fact, a legion of Griffons is one of the few things capable of taking on a dragon without having to write a suicide note first. If a Griffon is acting hostile towards you, simply challenge it to a duel in its talent field of choice. Specify a time and place for the duel. Then don’t turn up to the duel.

Danger Rating: Silver

Further Reading: Beak and Claw by Smart Cookie

Human

The existence of Humans (or Homo sapiens, if you’re feeling pretentious) is a hotly debating topic in my field. A small minority believe that Humans exist whereas clever ponies (such as me) think that’s it’s a load of horseapples.

For what it’s worth, Humans are often described as tall, hairy, monkey-like beings with oily skin and greasy manes. They are often spotted in forests. Eye-witnesses say that Humans travel in packs and communicate to each other in a strange language. There is no evidence that such creatures exist. The odd footprints that Humanoligists often cite as proof are likely the footprints of young or adolescent dragons.

Perhaps the most famous Human myth is that of the Rockwell Incident almost seventy years ago. A family of earth ponies claim that a pack of Humans surrounded their small farming house in Rockwell (a few miles south of Appleloosa) and tormented the family for an entire night. Apparently, the Humans kept staring through the windows of the house and proceeded to laugh at the family’s terror in low, rumbling voices. The earth pony family says this story is true to this day. Most ponies think they were either drunk or stupid.

Danger Rating: N/A (it’s rather difficult to say how dangerous a non-existent creature is)

Further Reading: I Know They Exist by Doctor Lyra Heartstrings

Hydra

The Hydra is a distant relative of the dragons. It is an amphibious creature that tends to live in swamps, bogs or (much to the annoyance of health and safety inspectors) sewage plants. Hydras are born with four heads and, contrary to popular belief, cannot grow any more than that. Thank Celestia.

Each of the four heads has a distinct personality and role. The left head (as seen from whatever unfortunate pony is facing the Hydra) is the mediator. It is sensible, calm and often gets frustrated at the other heads. The next head is the conscience. It often suggests non-dangerous and/or non-violent ways of doing things, but is always ignored by the other heads. The next, next head is the fighter. It is psychopathic, sociopathic, narcissistic and rude. It attacks prey and often the other heads too. Finally, the right head is the load. It does nothing but laugh at the other heads’ misfortunes. It often learns quickly not to laugh at the warrior head.

If faced with a Hydra, your best hope is that the heads will start arguing amongst themselves. If not, I recommend running really, really, really fast. Better head to the gym, chubby.

Danger Rating: Gold

Further Reading: Headache by Professor Hercules

Manticore

Yet another member of the mish-mash genus, the Manticore looks like a lion with bat wings and a scorpion tail glued on. The venom distributed by said tail is deadly. It causes your insides to bubble out of each of your orifices like a science fair volcano created by a particularly psychotic schoolfoal. After that, victims tend to fall over by slipping on their own insides and get humiliated on top of being, y’know, dead.

Manticores often live in forests (although there is a desert dwelling subspecies) and pray on pretty much anything. Including ponies. I know this as, once, when I was conducting field research in the Everfree Forest for my awful job; I was attacked by a ravenous Manticore. I promptly jammed a thorn into the beast’s paw. That showed it.

If you encounter a Manticore, I recommend trying to jam things into its paws. Because one; it seems to work. And two; it’s quite good fun.

Danger Rating: Gold

Further Reading: My Encounter With A Manticore by Slip N Slide