Undead Waltz

“God fucking damn it, next time someone wants me to try out this brand new restaurant I’m going to punch them in the fucking face!”

You might be wondering what the fuck is going on? Well here’s the thing, about a couple days ago my friends and I wanted to try this brand new restaurant that opened in town. The service was good and the people were friendly, definitely a place I could have enjoyed eating at. Well the next day I didn’t feel so good, I had a stomach ache, diarrhea, nausea, the works. So I had to call my professor and tell him I wasn’t feeling well. So after I got that out of the way I took some medicine and fell asleep. When I woke up I was cold out of my fucking mind and my arms were covered in lesions. Knowing that whatever the fuck was wrong with me could be deadly I tried to get out of bed and call 911. Fate had other plans though because as soon as I got out of bed my stomach acted up bad and I fell to the floor. The last thing I remember doing was throwing up blood all over my floor.

Now here I am in what I can only assume is the fucking afterlife because I am literally surrounded in darkness. Meaning I fucking died, well shit what now I don’t want to stay here all fucking day.

“It’s time.” Holy shit that sounded demonic. Turning around I saw a giant man with dark blue skin and long black robe holding a scythe. Well this must be the infamous death... Huh, he’s not that scary. I mean come on you would think he would be more badass than that, the cloak is cool but he could have blood or bones.

He reached into his cloak and pulled out a scroll that seemed to be worn with age. “Michael Fritz; Five foot eleven, eye length blond hair bleached to look white, twenty-one years old studying for a major in geology and a minor in engineering, possesses a fear of spiders due to an incident when you were five, highly intelligent but known by others to be ‘the most illogical man they’ve ever known;’ happens to enjoy card tricks, and overall lived a very healthy life. Strange, I would have suspected you to have automatically gone to paradise then end up here....”

He stopped talking and looked at the scroll before turning his attention back to me, then back to the scroll. He did this a couple more times before quickly rolling up the scroll and putting it back into his cloak. He looks worried right now, why is he worried! He’s Death! He shouldn’t be worried about something!

After a couple seconds of silent panic he spoke. “I’m afraid there has been a terrible mistake.”

Ever have so much fear in you that you explode in anger? Say hello to my reaction. “A MISTAKE!?” He flinched back slightly as I began pacing worriedly. “You mean to tell me that I’m currently lying in a pool of my own goddamn blood and vomit dead because of a fucking mistake!”

“I am truly sorry but it would be better to explain if we were sitting down.” He waved his hand and out of the darkness a wooden table with two high back chairs faded into existence. He sat down in one of the chairs and beckoned me over. I walked over and sat down in the other slowly and carefully.

“I’m sure you must know that having to manage the passing of souls for billions of worlds must be exhausting.” I nodded slowly though I had absolutely no idea how hard that must be. “Well occasionally I get tired and make a simple mistake, be it an early death or a late one, I sometimes make mistakes. However these are so rare they only happen once every few thousand years, unfortunately you were one of the mistakes.”

I feel like a dick for asking this but.... “So how did this happen precisely?”

He sighed and waved his hand again, this time an image of a balding man in his forties appeared. I think I remember him at the restaurant. “This man was suppose to be where you are now, however due to a complication he ended up living.”

“How?”

He sighed and waved his hand again causing the image to vanish. “He was meant to be killed by a plate of oysters that contained Vibrio vulnificus however you ordered the same thing as him leading to a mix-up.” He can’t possibly be suggesting that I died of food poisoning. Really, I couldn't have gone out better like I don’t know an explosion!?

He spoke again. “Because you died early you can’t enter heaven; hell, or even purgatory. So that leaves two options. You wait here for about fifty years until you were supposed to die, or you become a wraith.”

Well, get bored easy so.... “I choose to become a wraith.”

He stood up with a grin. “Very well then but there are some things you must learn about wraiths if you are going to be one. Come, walk with me.” I stood up and began following Death as the table slowly vanished.

After a minute of walking he spoke. “First of is that I cannot send you back to where you were due to the complications that would arise; secondly however is the fact that you will be unable to gain nutrition from food and drinks. You can still eat and drink, it just won’t sustain you. From now on you must eat the souls of living things.” Eat souls? Huh... I want to make a Soul Eater joke, but considering he’s Death.... Not gonna end well.

“You will also be given a weapon and powers unique to you and you alone.” He stopped moving and looked forward again. Looking where he was looking, was.... a doorway filled with rainbows? Okay, what the fuck Death?

“What the fuck is this?” I stared at him utterly confused before looking around. “I’m in a bleak and depressing place, with a door of rainbows. What is that anyways!?”

“This is the world I will be sending you to, and do brace yourself, it will hurt.”

I sighed deeply and walked forward, closing my eyes and.... AH FUCKING HELL! IT BURNS! Through the darkness I could see things flashing before me, but they were disjointed and sporadic. I couldn't make sense of them. With one random image I felt myself slip from reality and fall into unconsciousness

I groaned and slowly rolled onto my stomach, waving a hand at the breeze, and causing grass to enter my nose. Sneezing at the sudden invader I lurched back and whacked my face, waking me up completely and allowing to me see my surroundings. I was in a little forested area with what appeared to me maple trees, a small puddle of water, and about four moss covered stones. Crawling over to the puddle I saw that I was wearing what appeared to be a black suit with red tie.

I stood up and cracked my neck, yawning lazily before remembering what happened. I paled and looked down at myself before feeling my wrist.... ‘Oh god.... I’m as cold as ice.... I-I am dead.... Fuck....’ I sat down and started thinking about what I had, my friends, and my family. As I sat there the trees bent a little in the wind, and I heard something in the distance.

Listening in I heard the noise clearer, and paled. A child’s scream pierced its way through the silence of the forest, causing some stationary birds to take flight. Cursing I stood up and made my way towards the rough estimate of where it came from as fast as I could.

After about a minute I found myself in a rocky plain with boulders popping out of the ground at random. Another scream rang out, closer to me, and I began running towards it. Growling I jumped over a boulder and took in the situation.

Backing up against another boulder happened to be a young grey pegasus with a black mane and tail with scratches all over, a child from what I can see, and it was surrounded by five things that looked like a mix between dogs and gorillas wearing iron armor. They were each holding a spear while one had a red vest with gems in it.

        Angling myself in mid air I landed on one of the dogs sending him to the ground before grabbing his spear, twisting around, and whacking the dog next to him as hard as I could. The spear snapped in half as the dog stumbled back with a dent in his helmet while I flipped the remaining spear piece and knocked another dog upside the head. I felt the strongest urge to dodge left, feeling as if I would get hurt if not.

        Dodging left I saw a dog stumble forward from the force of his failed punch, allowing me to uppercut his head with the broken spear. Side stepping a little I turned and missed a spear from the previously stumbling dog and snapped it in half with a stomp before throwing the broken piece, hitting the dog between the eyes and knocking it out.

        I paused and looked down at the unconscious dogs, allowing myself a small smile. “Looks like they were..... Put to sleep.” I so wish I had sunglasses right now.

Walking away from the unconscious dogs after dropping the spear I made my way towards the kid. He watched me with fear in his eyes, as I got closer he closed his eyes and started crying.

I kneeled down and started stroking his mane. “There there little one, the monsters are gone now.”

He looked up at me with tears running down his face “Y-you’re not going to hurt me?”

“No little one I promise.” I stood up and grinned down at him. “What’s your name?”

He sniffled and rubbed his eyes with his hoof. “I’m Rumble, nice to meet you.”

“I’m Michael. What are you doing out here?”

He looked up at me. “Me and my brother were out here hanging out when suddenly the diamond dogs burst out of the ground and surrounded us. My brother tried to protect me but he got knocked out so I ran as fast as I could. But some of them followed me and I tripped.... But you came in and saved me!” He looked at me with childish wonder. “How’d you do all that!? It looked so cool!”

I shrugged. “Sheer dumb luck.” I looked around and saw what appeared to be a large flag waving in the distance.

He looked where I was and made a small gasp. “That’s Ponyville! It’s where I live.” He looked off to the left. “But... My brother’s in trouble.”

I sighed, picked him up, and placed him on my back. “I can run you there and back to help your brother. That sound okay?” He nodded and I began running towards the flag, my hand holding the small pony in place.

After about two minutes of simply running he spoke up. “Wow you run really fast! I don’t even think Rainbow Dash could keep up with you.”

“I have no idea who that is but I’m going to just say thank you.” And what kind of a name is ‘Rainbow Dash’ anyways?

“Oh thats right you don’t know about Ponyville. Well Rainbow Dash is just the most awesome pegasus in Equestria, but not as awesome as my brother!”

Basically the rest of the trip was him telling me what he knew of this place. Apparently this was a country ruled by two god princesses, one that raised the sun, and another who raised the moon. The most powerful weapon known to his kind was called the Elements of Harmony which could turn a goddess of the night hell bent on freezing half the world and burning the rest back to normal. I kinda went a bit insane when he told me that a pegasus could breach the sound barrier without losing their skin due to the fucking friction.

“No. Nonononononononononono. You cannot do that!” I stared at him. “You would for one pass out due to the G-force, possibly suffer multiple broken bones, and cause major burns.”

He looked at me like I was retarded. “You so can do that. It’s been explained that due to the angle of descent and wingpower she was able to mix it with ambient magical energy an-”

“Are you a traffic sign?”

He shook his head a little. “Why?”

“Because STAHP!” I closed my eyes and felt a headache coming on. “Seriously. I’m a college student for Christ’s sake.”

He looked a little hurt. “Well... It’s true....”

“Look...” I sighed. “There’s no magic where I’m from so don’t preach about something I don’t believe to be real. Like fairies or goblins...”

He looked at me out of the corner of his eyes and smiled a little. “It’s okay.” He looked up and grinned widely. “Look we’re here!”

I looked at saw a small town with ye olden buildings.... No, I’m not joking. They look like what you would see during the black death. I stopped at the outskirts and turned towards the hospital. “I think I’m gonna drop you off at the hospital. That way they can clean the wounds.”

He winced and pouted. “B-but it stings!”

I looked at him. “Would you rather get Tetanus?” He shook his head rapidly as I smiled knowingly. “I thought so.” Along the way many of the townsfolk were looking at me with mild curiosity. Strange I would have expected fear, maybe they’ve already seen a human? Nah.

When we got to the hospital I walked over to the receptionist and held out Rumble. “Hi. He needs medical attention due to cuts.”

She gently took him and nodded in thanks. He looked back at me and waved. “Bye Michael!”

I waved back. “I’ll be back with his brother, be ready for us.” I walked out and headed down back to the forest.

However before I could go far a faint shout made it’s way down the valley. “Cuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnt.” What in the.... Nevermind. I took off running towards the stone plain, jumping over obstacles, and dodging trees.

When I arrived I spotted a slanted hole in the ground near the broken spear I dropped earlier. Goddamn it the dogs woke up, but they just led me to where I needed to go anyways. I walked over and peered down, rubbing a hand against the smoothed out stone. Huh...It’s like a slide.

“Hold up Michael.” I turned and saw death standing there looking at me. “I have something to give you.”

        “And that would be...?”

        He reached into his cloak and pulled out a handle. Tossing it towards me I caught it and looked closer at it. It was made of some kind of metal, what I could not determine, with symbols carved on it from all sides. It also seemed to have a small button near the top, pressing it the handle extended then snapped sideways. One end became rounded while the other spiked out. Holy fuck... Is this a Horseman’s Pick!?

“That is your weapon, keep it close.” He smirked a little out of the corner of my vision. “It’s rather useful.”

 I looked back up only to see that he had vanished once again. Pressing the button it retracted back into a handle with a metallic clang. Turning around I eyed the hole for a few more seconds before shrugging and jumping down into the darkness.