The Smile that was Never there
My name is Birds Chirp ..
''Hello all <3
I am a 14 year old Pegasi from Clouds Dale, I've got a pure white coat with golden mane, and a music note as my cutie mark. I have been singing since I was 9, and been playing the guitar since last year... Enough about me, before I go I'd like to tell you my story ... the one that will stay by my side for the last minuets of my life.
It started two years ago ... Yea that sound about right ... When I switched school. At my new school, everypony there had friends already, except for me. Most of the mares there were quiet, but I tended to speak out more than the rest. Eventually, the others started talking to me too. I was happy, for I thought they were friends. But come to think about it now, they're just another bump in my road.s
One day after flight school, I went on the Internet like I always did. I'd go into chat rooms, meet and talk to new ponies and soon, yup, they became my friend. These ones I found are easier to gain and relate to, rather than the mares at school who I have to change myself to impress.
As time went on, the mares slowly dropped me. Avoiding me when possible, and talking among them about me too. I didn't know exactly what to feel but it always left me with anxiety.
One mare in the class was different from the others though. I never really noticed her, but I did. She was also quiet, and was lonely. I built up my courage to talk to her, from that day on we became best friends.
The ponies began to fully avoid us now. They wouldn't talk to us, and we always look at each other in confusion, wondering what we did wrong. They pretended we weren't there ... Like our lives didn't matter .... Like we were nothing more but dust on the floor. It really hurt. I cried myself to sleep every night.
The emotional pain of lonliness always took over both my best friend, Dubz Hacker, and I. It was her and I verses the world. But fortunate for me then, I had another friend. Her names Blue. She was 13, I had known her since I was a filly. Often I would turn to her and talk and she would listen. Although she always hung out with this stallion. His name was White Wing.
I slowly developed a crush on him. He didn't know he existed in my world, I could go on for ages speaking about White Wing to Dubz Hacker and Blue. And as well, I befriended him.
White Wing and I didn't talk very much. And come to the truth, Blue told me she liked White Wing too. Dubz wasn't a fan for him, like most mares. She told me he was trouble. I wish I listened to her.
Dubz and I continued living alone. Kept to ourselves most of the time, and rarely ever spoke to anyone but ourselves. Blue kept telling me I was perfect. A perfect friend. And I would glow with gratitude. But before that, in order to believe her, I took the knife ... Sharpened it ... And slowly dug the word into my arm... It hurt ... But it was done.
That word was there for the longest time. Dubz too copied me. Nopony noticed that though. Didn't notice the blood dripping from our wrists, where we cut often. Didn't notice the scars... We weren't attention seeking. The pain within us was just to much, the way to get rid of it was to bring it physiclly to ourselves.
Dubz and I just wanted to end it, you know? We were sick of being the quiet one ... the weak one ... unoticed one .... and the useless one. We told them we were gonna go end it, and you know what they did? The laughed at us. Dubz Hacker and I tried ... but failed.
As it turned out, Blue was gossiping me behind my back to White Wing, and he called ME the gossip bitch. Not her. He chose her over me, and she used me to hang out with him. Our friendships ended shortly after.
I had really close Internet friends too. In fact, I loved one of them as a sister. I loved her so much, I couldn't bear being any where away from her. She loved me too, and she told me so. We spoke everyday, countless hours, never running out of what to talk about. My lonliness soon faded from the love she let me taste and feel.
But one day she grew ... depressed .... She nearly killed herself, and my heart was stabbed with a knife everytime she told me how she wanted to kill herself. She cut as well, and I only got her approval when I cut to impress her. She would laugh at me though. I didn't know what to do. My mother didn't like that at all. She banned me from interacting with Silver Dasher, my dear sister.
I often snuck onto something to exchange words with her. But once I didn't come on for about , 3 months? THen I decided it was time to talk with my sister again. I sent her a letter telling her how much I've missed her, how I loved her and looked up to her. She replied a day later saying hi.
We sent letters back and forth often. Then one day, she didn't reply. I knew she was still alive, she was happy mare again, with lots of friends. Unlike me, who only has 1.
I then realized that I was alone here. One of my newest Internet friends (ones that my mom approves of) didn't love me back. I loved him dearly, but I knew we were only gonna be friends. Close ones though. Anyway, I realize I am alone here ... Silver Dasher doesn't want me in her life anymore ... She hates me ... I have almost no friends, I just want to die. My Internet friends are the only ones that will miss me, and I know for one that I will miss them back. At least some of them.
I am sorry Dubz Hacker I had to do this ... I really wish I couldn't leave you alone here in this cruel world on your own... I'm deeply sorry...
To the finder of this note:
Thank you for your time in reading this .. I know .. You probably don't care, but my story is let out. Thank you again. As my life draws to an end, I'll put up a smile. A true one this time, one to replace my fake ones. To replace my smile that wasn't there.
Sincerely,
Birds Chirp''
to the ones asking:
This story is still incomplete =/
The Smile that was Never there
Dear Silver Dasher,
I lived my life. Slowly, barely making it. This world I used to live in embraced me in its warmth and love, but now Im gone from there, trapped under a surface thats holding me back. I reach out. Call to you. Confess how much I've missed you- only to have my spirits fall lower and have disappointment nagging in my heart the moment you turn away to block me out.
It's bad enough that the empty hole my heart is getting at me, weighing me down from who I truly on. You're only making it worse, you know that? A simple 'I love you' or 'I loved you' or a 'I miss you' at the least would have brightened my day. To prove you're still there for me.
But no. You never told me yo missed me or loved me as a sister, You made an excuse before turning your back on me.
I loved you alot. I'll tell you that much. So much, I could barely stand it. You broke my heart and left me to pick up the pieces on my own. You replaced me. You were never there the the moment I needed you, and worst of all, I self harmed to IMPRESS YOU You never told me to stop, that I didnt have to prove anything to keep your approval up of me. I DID THIS FOR YOU, NOW I HAVE A BUNCH OF SCARS, PROVING HOW MUCH I LOVED YOU, EVERY SINGLE DAMN SCAR IS AN ETERNITY I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU .. and you.. Laughed at me ...
Why?
Why ...
Why did you leave me to fight on my own? To stay strong for myself? To find friends- That live deep within me? To pretend Im not crumbling before my eyes? I was so blind to see you never wanted me in your life .. My tears have already drenched the paper. The anger, sorrow and longing seem to take over. I feel to weak to keep moving. Maybe I'll find a way out, and somehwere will I will find a friend- one that will love me, understand me and wont grow tired of me so quickly.
And someone who wont easily forget me.
Just dont let this happen to your next biggest fan, your next bestfriend, next sister that looks up to you the way I did.
There s probably not another oppritunity for this to ocme, chances are if another girl finds you she will end up like me.
Whatever.
By the time you get this note Im probably gone. Gone from this world because no one cares . No one cares unless you're pretty or dying, but Im already dead now. No need to go send me another letter. As soon as I put down this quill, I walk alone to my death. Im nothing more, if that matters anyway
I think its time now.
Goodbye .. Silver Dasher ...
Lost in the Darkness,
Birds Chirp