Welcome to the Internet.

Day 1 Part 1/3

        So I doubt you will believe anything I have to say, but here I go... I am in Equestria.

        Still with me? Splendid! Now, first things first you're probably wondering how I'm writing this and how you are able to read this. Well I'm here (kinda) to tell you that the internet is pandimensional* and most importantly, that magic acts like a giant modem, allowing me to connect to the dimensional wide web anywhere I want. But more on that later.

        So now that’s out of the way, you're probably wondering how I got here. Well here’s how it went:

It was a beautiful night but, unfortunately, nothing was happening on the internet or on TV, so I decided to mess around and write a story. No, before you all ask, it was not this one. And also before you ask, no I don't die, no I don't get teleported and end up as a pony, and no I don't become the hero of the planet.  Anyways, so I was messing around with my story idea when the lights flickered and all the power went out. Being a religious man, I took this as a sign that God had said “go the fuck to sleep,” so I did.

        I had a good dream. Christopher Walken was in it, along with Gilbert Gottfried.  Anyway, I awoke the next morning around 6 AM and found that something was wrong, very wrong. My window was wide open, but I always close my window before I go to bed...I've seen way too many horror movies to sleep with it open. So with sleep in my eye and a blanket on my back, I got out of bed to close the window.

        With the mission accomplished I laid down to get more sleep when there was a knock at my bedroom door, which was odd because my parents never knock before barging into my room.  I got up with the blanket still draped across my back and walked over to my door.

        Now I don't have a big room, it’s about fifteen feet squared so the groggy zombie walk to the door didn't take too long.  As I got closer to the door, the knocking became louder and more rapid.  I hope I'm not the only one, but when I wake up I need some coffee before I become an intelligible member of society, so when I opened the door to complain what came out of my mouth sounded like this:

        “Wandudfancadnaljujm.” To any member of my family that would easily be translated as “what you want?” but to the purple unicorn standing on the other side of my doorway it souned like “wandudfancadnaljujm.”  Needless to say, that was greeted with a scream and a bit of dust flying into my mouth as she ran away.

        I like to think I'm an intelligent man, but when you see a four foot tall pony run away from you, thoughts start going through your head. Thoughts like: ‘what the flying fuck just happened?’ This tends to be followed by more thoughts, the first and most important being: ‘should I go back to bed?’ In this case, the second happened to be: ‘follow the screaming purple unicorn.’  I thought about this long and hard and I came to a conclusion: back to bed, it’s way too early to be chasing four foot tall purple unicorns.

        After a few more hours of sleep I awoke around 8 AM and decided to look out my window  to see if my deranged fantasy was still there. Sadly, it was. With option one exhausted I only had option two left, so I donned my finest exploring outfit shorts, a baggy shirt, and some flip-flops. Upon venturing out my door I was greeted harshly by the blinding light of the sun, that evil nuclear furnace that haunted the days of a shut-in.

        After I regained my sight I discovered that the Sun was the least of my problems; my room was now in the middle of a field not a stone’s throw away from several large thatch-roofed buildings.  And I don't mean like King Kong ripped my room out of my house, no...this was perfectly separated. The walls were all there and the roof was intact; in fact it kinda looked like somebody took a scalpel and cut my house up. Damn you giant sky doctors!

        Not being one to dwell on that which I can't help I decided to go ask the thatch-roofed people what the hell was going on.  Now I will admit that when I started into town I was thrown by the lack of people, but before I had time to delve into that thought the most wonderful scent wafted into my nostrils. Baked goods. In a Peppy Le Pew-esque fashion I followed the delicious aroma to a large gingerbread house. I approached the door and, to my surprise, heard the jovial sounds of happy, peppy people enjoying baked goods. Deciding they should not be deprived of my presence any longer I opened the door and stopped dead in my tracks.

        My earlier thoughts of insanity due to sleep deprivation were once again present in my mind as I stared into the face of about twenty multi-colored equines. In an act of desperation I uttered the only phrase that I thought could save me. “Sup?”

        The majority of the ponies in the restaurant screamed and ran outside through the back, leaving a path of destruction in their wake, while some of them just hid under the tables.  So when you're a horrible monster, what's the only thing you can do? Go back to your room and wait for them to calm down, obviously.  And that’s exactly what I did.

        Hey, sorry guys but I have to go. I need to clean my house and charge my batteries and then Pinkie said she wanted to watch The Walking Dead on Netflix so I will get back to the story tomorrow. This is The Diabolic Gnome signing off.

Ch2 In which I run away from home

Day 1 Part 2/3

You ever scare a dog or a cat and then try and chase after it yelling, “DON'T RUN I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND!” You haven't? Good. If you did you’re an idiot because that doesn't work. If an animal is scared of you, you slowly back off and remain calm without making any sudden movements. The animal will calm down eventually and approach you.  So when a bakery full of ponies ran screaming from me I did exactly that: I backed off and waited for them to calm down.

        So after calmly walking back to my room I began to look at the outside of my new house. The two previously exterior walls were intact and looked ok, but the two walls that were previously part of the separating walls in the house were bare of all sheetrock and only the studs remained.  Now this wouldn't be a problem if I could run down to Home Depot and get some spackle and sheetrock to fix this, but as of right now there was no place for me to get that.  The other problem is that there is no more insulation, so if I'm stuck here a while it’s going to get freezing inside my room.  And then there is the electrical issue, that being how I don't have any.

        So all in all that had been a really shitty day so far and it was only going to get worse.  Just about the time I got back inside and shut my door I heard a sound that I thought would be my salvation: it was my phone and I was getting a message.  Now before you say, “don't you need cell reception to get a message?” shut up. It was a message over Steam so I only needed internet connection to get it and yes, this is when I began to realize I could still get online.  Instead of telling you what all was said I will post a pic of the conversation.

Solar Eclipse: Dude, why aren't you at school today?

Diabolic Gnome: Uhh extenuating circumstances

Solar Eclipse: The hell is that supposed to mean?

Diabolic Gnome: ... If I could go to school I would

Diabolic Gnome: but I can't

Solar Eclipse: So you finally ran away from your abusive boyfriend?

Diabolic Gnome: no...wat?

Diabolic Gnome: NVM

Diabolic Gnome: bear with me when i say this

Diabolic Gnome: I woke up this morning and Twilight Sparkle was knocking on my door

Solar Eclipse: Sorry, couldn’t hear you over the sound of the impossibility

Diabolic Gnome: dude i'm serious

Solar Eclipse: No srsly, where the hell are you?

Diabolic Gnome: I think Ponyville

Solar Eclipse: horse shit. (see what i did there?)

Diabolic Gnome: Dude i'm serious

Solar Eclipse: yo, your dad just called wondering where the hell you are. They think you ran away or some shit, so I’ll just tell him he’s with talking technicolor ponies

Diabolic Gnome: IM SERIOUS

Solar Eclipse: I wouldn’t believe you as far as I could throw you. And with the weight you gained over the past couple of years... I'd rather put my money on you running away.

Diabolic Gnome: I only weight 120lb you know that right?

Diabolic Gnome: And i didn't run away i told you i'm in a magical land of talking ponies

Solar Eclipse: I'm not very strong

Solar Eclipse: and thats the worst excuse ever

Diabolic Gnome: Fuck it i ran away and you will never see me again happy.

Solar Eclipse: See ya at school tomorrow.

Diabolic Gnome: Fuck you

        Sorry but I have to go do some stuff around town, the story will pick up in an hour or two when i get back.

Ch3 In which I get a civilized greeting

Day 1 Part 3/3

Ok, sorry about that this will be the last time that happens.  Anyway here’s what happened after I finished talking to my buddy Solar.

        A dark sandy colored pony with an almost pitch black mane was slowly making his way to my front door. Oh yeah, and he was also wearing a spiffy vest.  He knocked three times at the door before moving back several feet and sitting down on his haunches.  I hesitantly opened the door, stuck my head out and said, “hello.”

        “Good day. My name is Gold Star and I'm the Sheriff around these parts. It’s common practice when a non-pony species comes to town that I document it and keep a record in case anything happens. I will read off questions and you will give one word answers, no more than one word do you understand?”

        “Yes.”

        “Good. Question 1: what is your species called?”

        “Human.”

        “Question 2: what is your name?”

        “Lee.”

        “Question 3: how long will you be staying in Ponyville?”

        “Undetermined?” Gold Star glared at me before rolling his eyes and continuing.

“Question 4: Are you an herbivore, carnivore, omnivore, or minavore?”

        “Do you own any weapons? If so, produce them so that I may catalog them.” It took me a bit but I found all the “weapons” that I owned and I set them on the ground infront of Gold Star. He reached into his vest, pulled out a camera, and then took a picture of each one of them.  Putting the camera away, he took his notepad back out and catalogued them. “One hoof long knife with a half-hoof serrated edge, one two-hoof long knife, one five-hoof long metal bat, one six-hoof long metal bat, and finally one hoof-and-a-half long metal ‘L’.” For those not in the know, a hoof is five inches.

        “Last thing: I already know about the incident this morning.  The townsponies are known for overreacting but I don't expect it to happen again. Have a nice day.”

        After the strangely civilized greeting I decided to try my luck again by venturing into town.  And as luck would have it, luck was on my side. How very lucky. I stumbled on to one of the main streets and was greeted by some wary glances by most of the ponies.  I decided to head to Sugarcube Corner and try to just hang out around there until i thought of something to do when I heard a trumpet go off right in my ear.  Turing to see where the noise came from i saw Pinkie Pie standing in front of a cart.

~Welcome welcome welcome

A fine welcome to you

Welcome welcome welcome

I say how do you do?

Welcome welcome welcome

I say hip hip hurray

Welcome welcome welcome

To Ponyville today~

        The pink pony stopped dancing around her cart when suddenly five cakes’ worth of batter blasted out the front of the contraption, spattering both of us with a sticky mess.  I stood there for a second, semi-stunned, before I brought my batter drenched hand up to my face in an attempt to clean away the cake that was stuck in my eyes.

        “Oh, sorry! I got the cake in the confetti cannon again, here.” I managed to get enough cake out of my eyes to see the pink pony holding a cupcake on a little tray.

        “Uhh thanks” I picked up the tiny treat and undid the wrapper.  The more of the cupcakes that become exposed the bigger Pinkie's smile got.  I lifted up the Cupcake and took a big bite of it. Before I had a chance to swallow pinkie popped into my face.

        “How was it hu-hu-hu-hu-huh?”

        “It’s really good, hey what's in this by the way?”

        “Oh, you know, flour, eggs, chocolate, sugar, the usual stuff.”

        My hands began to shake and my eyes dilated. “Did you say.....chocolate?”

        “Yeah, why?”

        “Fuck.” I started running back to my room as fast as my legs could carry me but I didn't make it too far. My breathing became labored and my sight became blurry as I began to pass out.  Now apparently Pinkie followed me and noticed my unconscious body, or at least when she told me she was super hyped up so by this time she was speaking too fast to understand.  Anyway, the next thing I remember is waking up gasping for air in the middle of Twilight's library with my epipen sticking out of my leg.

        I rolled over onto my side and began to cough for a while, trying to get air back into my lungs. After a minute of deep breathing I reached down and yanked the needle out of my upper leg and set it next to me.

        “Uhh hello sir.”

        I looked up and saw Twilight standing across the room, and she seemed just as scared of me as the other townsponies were.  Before I could say hello a pink mass tackled me. “YOU’RE OK!! Whenyoustartedrunningthenyoufelldownandstartedtwitchingiwasrorriedbutthen-”

        A purple aura lifted Pinkie off my chest and set her on the couch next to where Twilight was sitting.  “Sorry about that. She gets...excited.”

        “Not a problem...thanks for helping me.” I sat up and crossed my legs before picking up the epipen and putting the cap back on. “How do you know how to use this?”

        “Oh, that. Well, I'm allergic to nuts so that...” the epipen floated out of my hand and was set on the desk next to Pinkie. “Is actually mine.  When Pinkie said the Pants Monster was red and twitching, I brought you back here and used it.”

        “Thanks.” We sat there in an awkward silence while Pinkie kept trying to talk through a magic gag. “So I guess I should be leaving now?”

        “I suppose so.  My name is Twilight Sparkle by the way.”

        “I'm Lee.”

        And that, kiddies, is how my first meeting with two of the Mane Six went.  I almost fucking died but I got to meet them nonetheless. But this installment isn't over yet! I still have one pony left to meet and it’s going to be pretty.

        Anyway, back to the story. I quickly got up and left the library before awkwardly shuffling along the street back to my safe haven and bed. But before another pleasant thought could cross my mind I felt a...disturbance.  My blood ran cold and my hair stood on end...and then I saw her. There, at the end of the street, was a mint green unicorn with a terrifying smile that stretched across her face from ear to pony ear. I began to take a step back when she blinked out of existence, reappearing right in front of me a second later.

        “Helloooooo....” her voice was like that of nails on a chalkboard.

        For the second time that day I ran for my life, but this time it was different. I thought I could actually make it back inside my room before the psychotic pony could get her hooves on me.

        I ran as fast as my slightly overweight body could go before she blinked in front of me again. I skidded to a halt before losing my balance and landing on my back. There was another flash of green light and the Unicorn appeared on top of me. My meaningless life flashed before my eyes (honestly there was more porn then I’m proud to admit) but before the unicorn could do whatever it was she was trying to do she was pulled off of me by a cream-colored pony.

        “Lyra, I told you to be home by five and its five thirty! Dinner’s cold by now.”

        “But Bon-Bon, I almost had him! Let me go!!”

        “No buts missy! You can chase your friend tomorrow.”

        Honestly I don't know whether to call this an authors note or what. But anyways, you guys are just about caught up on my story thus far. There were some days between my capture by the hands...hooves? of Lyra but nothing really happened so I see no point in writing about them. I do have a question, though. How do you guys want me to write these entries, in first or third person?  Also I'm still working with Twi on a conversion from my Earth calendar to the Equestrian calendar so I will just be dating these entries as Day 1, Day 2, etc., etc. until I can get a nice conversion done.