My Rustled Jimmies

Shining Armor’s hooves clopped noisily on the polished palace floor as he rushed to locate the princesses. Behind him, a retinue of Unicorn Royal Guards followed in silence, watching their red-clad leader wander the halls aimlessly.

“ For Celestia’s sake… Where’s CELESTIA!?” he shouted to the guards who had so far been useless in his search. One pointed to a hallway to their left,

“ Captain, when we first apprehended the interloper, her Majesty was headed for the Night Room.” The others nodded at his answer. Shining scratched his head with a hoof, still greasy from his earlier meal. He stared at the guard, then to another, and yet another.

“ Sir… The Night Room is-“ one guard spoke up, before being cut off with a wave of Shining Armor’s other hoof.

“Yeah I know where it is! My head was itchy; let’s go!”

Shining Armor sped off in the direction of the Night Room with his four subordinates in tow.

“ OUCH! MY FUCKING ASS, YOU FUCKING BITCH!”

Celestia roared as she reeled from another missile hitting directly into her flank, leaving a blackened sun cutie mark on her left side. She rose back up into the air and hurled a volley of her own magic bolts back at her younger sister. Luna moved to dodge the attack, but the fighting had weakened her as much as her non-sober sister, and she only managed to escape one while the other three bolts pelted her in the chest and right wing. She fell hard into the floor, dispersing what little cloud cushioning was left and revealing the solid stone floor beneath. Luna lifted herself up and found that her nose was bleeding profusely, leaving a stain of crimson down her mouth and a growing puddle of the floor. She looked back up at Celestia, aghast. Her older sister broke a crooked smile and chuckled.

“ I always knew you were SHIT at ward spells, you fucking CHILD!”

Luna spat blood as she scoffed at her sister,

“ Oh, and thou hast not a scratch on her, I see?”

“Bitch,” Celestia began, doing an awkward twirl, “ Anypony with a pair of fuckin’… NON-BITCH EYES can see I’m not bleeding! Shiiit, I bet all this ash will wash off in my bubble bath. I’m fucking impec-impec… Fine!”

She pointed her hoof at her bleeding, infuriated sister.

“ You, on the other, much uglier hoof, seem to have a little, uh….” she trailed, pretending to wipe her nose. Luna summoned her strength and flashed her white eyes, instantly bringing an intimidating swarm of white energy balls to her command.

“ Thou should choose thy next words carefully, sister. For even the strongest ward breaks under enough punishment.”

Celestia narrowed her eyes to cruel slits, fitting the devilish grin forming on her face.

“ Take your best. Fucking. Shot.”

The hall leading to the Night Room’s golden doors was just feet away, and Shining Armor’s group could hear the monstrous clamor of nearby fighting. Suspended in the air, the portal was still open and surprisingly unattended. In front of the portal, the doors to the ballroom were still wide open and the ponies inside were still dancing, mingling and completely oblivious to the sounds of magical bursts and explosions just down the hall. Shining Armor stopped at his turn and addressed his guards.

“ The Ponies I stationed here are gone! Battersea, close those doors, before somepony with a brain gets curious, then you stay with the portal!”

A gray Unicorn Royal Guard saluted and ran to the doors.

“ Scutum! Buckler! On me! Let’s find out just what the fuck is going on down there!”

Two white Unicorn Royal Guards nodded and followed on Shining Armor’s flanks as he began to creep down the hallway. The one gray Unicorn Royal Guard without a job stood idly near the portal.

“Uh, sir?” he asked. Shining Armor sighed and called back to him,

“ Right, Peltast, go find the guards that are SUPPOSED to be here; when you find them, they’d better be dead or I’ll punch a fucking hole right through their ASSES!”

Just then, a thunderous bang shook the hallway and rattled the armor on the Royal Guards’ backs. All eyes darted to the end of the hall; the golden doors were demolished and melted to the ground with magic power. A mass of black lay prostate on the floor before them; a groan escaped its lips and it slowly lifted itself up on four hooves. The five Royal Guard ponies gasped; it was a pitch black Alicorn with a soot-coated mane. It coughed up puffs of smoke and stared back at the smaller ponies.

“ IT’S NIGHTMARE MOON! ATTACK!”

All five of the guards fired simultaneously with bolts of magic; the Alicorn flinched, but the bolts bounced off harmlessly. The Alicorn growled and snapped at the attacking guards.

“ STOP THAT, YOU IDIOTS! IT’S ME!”

Shining Armor stopped immediately and waved off his subordinates. When the shooting stopped, he bowed.

“ Princess Celestia?”

She opened her mouth to scold the captain, but she was suddenly and violently slammed into the floor as her sister landed square on her back. Luna shouted into her big sister’s ears from on top of her; drops of blood from her nose landed on Celestia’s blackened forehead.

“ YIELD, SISTER! OR I WILL CONTINUE TO HUMILIATE THEE!”

Celestia struggled against her sister but couldn’t find the strength to knock her off. So she sighed and slumped on the floor.

“ Still… Not fuckin’ bleeding… Bitch.”

“ Just what in the dick are you doing?” Shining chimed in; Luna shot him a ruthlessly icy glare and the captain shut his mouth. Then, she saw the portal.

The smaller princess stepped off her subdued sister and approached the flickering window of space. Her face contorted from wonder to anger; she looked back at her sister.

“ What is this?”

“A portal….” Celestia murmured.

“I know that! A portal to where?”

Celestia didn’t answer. Luna turned to Shining Armor and turned on her Canterlot voice.

“ HOW LONG HAST YON PORTAL BEEN MANIFESTED IN OUR HOME?”

Shining Armor winced and averted his eyes from her.

“I-it was spotted a quarter after midnight, your highness.”

Luna’s eye twitched.

“AND WE WERE NOT INFORMED?”

“Well… She was right there when it happened,” he mumbled, gesturing in Celestia’s direction.

“And a human entered our world through the portal. We-“

“A HUMAN, THOU SAYEST?”

“Y-yes… A human, your highness; we took him to the dungeon and immediately came to inform you.”

Celestia struggled to raise her head up, uttering one word:

“F-FUNGEON!”

“ SHUT UP, THOU INEBRIATED FOOL!” Luna hollered back. Then, the two Alicorns and five Royal Guards stood silently; no guard wished to upset the princess of the night, and Celestia had finally succumbed to a mix of exhaustion from the fight and the plethora of liquor she’d consumed.

Then, two more Royal Guards arrived on the scene. Shining Armor saw and instantly recognized them as the previously missing portal guards.

“What’s up, dicktrees?” he shouted at them.

“Fancy seeing you here. I thought I told you two to GUARD the PORTAL!”

The guards hesitated, and then one shuffled forward.

“Sir, we regret to inform you that your baby sister is currently in the infirmary.”

A dreadful silence returned to the hallway. Shining Armor’s white face seemed to become even paler. He opened his mouth, but the words struggled to materialize.

“WHAT IS HER CONDITION?” shouted Luna; the guard winced.

“Your highness, she is suffering from several broken ribs due to an unknown incident; she is also extremely inebriated and missing a large clump of mane hair. We were guarding the portal as the captain commanded, when Twilight Sparkle flew into the hallway from inside the Night Room; we took her ourselves to receive treatment.”

Shining Armor nodded in reflection before speaking.

“So… My baby sister crashed into the hallway… From the Night Room?” he asked.

“ Correct, sir.”

He looked to Luna, who simply shrugged.

“THE MINION HAD STRUCK US WITH A BOTTLE.”

A painful, choking sensation welled up in the captain’s throat.

“Your highness… Did that to my sister?”

“AYE, WE DID.”

He bared his teeth, but made no attempt to approach the much taller, far more powerful being. Instead, he turned on the two guards.

“Why did that task take both of you?” he asked, feeling his temper boiling over.

“Well, uh, sir. Twilight Sparkle was being uncooperative.” One guard replied.

“Oh, so what did you do, restrain her?”

“No, sir. But she had vomited on my armor when I lifted her, so I came as well to have it cleaned in the infirmary.”

“You FUCKING MORONS!” he screamed.

“ You absolute fucking dicks! What if an army of fucking humans decided to-“

“YES, THE HUMAN. WHERE IS THE HUMAN?” Luna interjected, unconcerned with their squabbling.

Shining Armor stamped a hoof into the floor, glaring with open contempt at the princess.

“FUCK the human! First, you hurt my TWILEY, then you don’t give two waving dicks about a portal in the palace being unguarded?”

Luna glared fiercely back at the Unicorn.

“THOU SHOULDST REMEMBER THY PLACE, MORTAL. ELSE WE SHALL REPLACE THEE WITH A CAPTAIN CAPABLE OF PERFORMING THY DUTIES!”

“I perform my fucking duties perfectly! This palace has never been SAFER!”

“SAFER FROM WHAT, EXACTLY? THE PALACE HAS NEVER ONCE BEEN ATTACKED!”

Shining Armor lowered his head and was silent. The princess loomed over him, putting up her chin.

“DO NOT THINK THOU ART IRREPLACEABLE, SHINING ARMOR; EVEN THOUGH TWILIGHT SPARKLE IS THE BELOVED PET OF OUR SISTER. SHE IS NOTHING TO THE PRINCESS OF THE NIGHT.”

Then, something came from Shining Armor that Luna did not expect: he laughed. Not powerfully, or good-naturedly, but he laughed.

“ And which one of these shits are you going to replace me with, huh?”

Luna growled,

“WHERE IS THE HUMAN?”

“In the fucking DUNGEON!” Shining snapped.

“Dammit, I fucking told you BEFORE!”

The princess stomped away, calling back to the insubordinate captain over her shoulder.

“THOU ART DISMISSED, SHINING ARMOR. LEAVE OUR PALACE AT ONCE.”

Shining Armor grumbled as the princess left him and six Royal Guards with her unconscious sister. The captain looked to his stallions, which were looking at him with something like reserved shock, hidden behind their stark faces, but naked in their eyes.

“Alright,” he sighed.

“Form around the princess and wait for her royal ass to wake up.”

The guards stayed where they were, and Shining sighed again.

“ She didn’t fire me, she just wants me out of the way is all. I’m still in charge, now form up!”

The Royal Guards finally marched into a circle around the princess; Shining Armor trudged away.

“Sir,” one guard called out.

“Are you not staying?”

Shining scoffed,

“Fuck no, I’ve had my fill of royalty for one night. I’m going to see my sister.”