Once again I found myself called to Celestia’s personal chambers. I slowly walked down the hall, happy to serve her rather than Luna. She hadn’t become any less kinky in the last four years. Any night I wasn’t serving her was a good one. I nodded to the guards, who nodded back as they opened the door for me. The giant double doors silently shut behind me, trapping me in with the ruler of the day. I calmly strode forward, sitting on the edge of her bed.

Though I had entered silently, and she was busy combing her mane as I walked in, I knew she knew I was there. Sure enough, after her mane was floating happily around her, she turned and smiled. “Ah, Deep, I’m glad you’re here.” She began. I nodded once, smiling. She hadn’t called for me in so long, I was beginning to wonder if she was purposely leaving me for Luna to enjoy.

“I am always happy and ready to serve Celestia.” I answered, still smiling. I walked over to her and nuzzled her neck, turning to lean gently on her.

Celestia leaned back upon me, chuckling happily. “And serve you shall Deep. I’ve been craving release for the past few days.” She turned to give me a sultry smile. “I plan to enjoy tonight.” She whispered in my ear, licking my cheek.

I had been wondering when she would exhibit this side of her again. My predecessor had nicknamed it her Mollestia side. The only time she ever gets very dominate. It’s a nice change of pace, and still nowhere near as demanding as Luna.

It was a few hours before Celestia was willing to let me go. Well, I say let me go. I was still trapped in her forelegs, though she was no longer doing anything. As I slowly drifted to sleep next to her, her peaceful breaths lulling me to sleep, she gave me a small kiss, whispering, “I’ve got a surprise in store for you.” I turned to face her, confused. “It will come in a week or so.” She stated plainly, obviously not planning on telling me more. Sighing, I buried my face in her barrel, drifting to sleep.

A week later my surprise did indeed arrive. In the form of a new Princess to serve. While it meant I wouldn’t have to serve Luna as much, the new princess was somepony I knew from years prior. She had spent most of her childhood growing up at the castle, learning from Celestia, and staying shut in her room. It had been eight years since I last saw Twilight Sparkle, and now she was a princess of Equestria. This wasn’t going to be easy.

I made my way to her chambers after her coronation, both dreading meeting her again, and glad to have a friendly face. I walked down the halls of the castle, knowing she would be taking her old room. As I reached the door I found two guards, standing outside, in armor of purple, pink and gold. I sighed to myself. “Hello sirs. Do you know when Princess Twilight will return?”

They both shook their heads. “No, sorry Deep. I don’t think she’s going to need you anytime soon.”

“As much as I hope you’re right, I still would like to introduce myself. Manners and all that.” I smiled, hoping they wouldn’t kill me.

They rolled their eyes, shrugging. “The princess will return later tonight Deep. I wouldn’t expect her until late this evening.”

I turned to go when a thought struck me. “Do you know what she is the princess of? Celestia has the sun, Luna the moon, what will Princess Twilight have?”

Again they simply shrugged. “From what I’ve heard, she’s going to be the Princess of the ponies. Whatever that means.” I shrugged with them, leaving them as I made my way to my room. It was looking like another long night.

I gave Twilight a few nights to readjust to life in the castle, and to need some stress relief. Might as well have something to give her on the first night. I calmly made my way through the castle to her room, humming merrily to myself. Twilight was awake during most of the day, like Celestia, so I decided it would be best to visit her at night. I walked calmly up to her guards, looking between them. "She knows you're here Deep. She seems to be constantly watching her door." One guard said.

"Good luck. You're going to need it." The other added before they both took a few steps down the hall. Again, awkward.

Not five seconds had passed from them leaving their post before Twilight's door slammed open, a bolt of magic headed straight for me. I reacted instinctively, pulling up a magic barrier, deflecting her spell to the side. "Who are you, what have you done with my guards, and how did you deflect that? Nopony other than Celestia and Luna are stronger than me."

I sighed. "One, my name is Deep Thought, I work here Princess, and I need to introduce myself. Your guards are fine. However given the nature of my position, they find it best to stand a distance away whenever I show up. Hopefully your personal guard, once you choose them, will be informed of this. Third, you are more powerful than me, but not a better fighter. You used a simple blast spell, and relied upon your vast reserves of magic to hit me. You also had no intent of killing, or even harming me, you just wanted to knock me down. It was easy to deflect your spell."

Twilight looked taken aback, unsure of how to respond. She looked to her guards, who had started silently laughing at her attack. They gave a few small nods, reassuring her. "Alright, come in. I must say I do remember you from my time as Celestia's student." I followed her in, closing the door behind me. "Now Mr. Deep-"

"Please, just Deep." The less formality we start with, the better this ends.

"Alright then, Deep. What is your position here at the castle?" Straight to the point with her. I could tell already I would need to be prepared for anything.

"Well, I am the royal consort." I braced, expecting the worse. After a few second of nothing I slowly opened my eyes, finding Twilight on her bed, staring at me expectantly. "Well, that's not the reaction I expected." I trailed off. "You do know what that means right?"

"Of course I do. You satisfy the Princesses sexual needs. And it makes perfect sense. They can't have much of a relationship with a mortal pony, they outlive them. But that doesn't stop them having needs. Though I don't see how that has anything to do with me." Twilight calmly stated, staring at me.

"Well, you're a princess now. So...." I trailed off again, raising an eyebrow and hoped she would get my point. It took her a moment, but once she got it, she turned away, blushing hard. "That's more like it. Well, I wanted to introduce myself, and make sure you knew of my role. I am always available to serve, though should a conflict arise, which I don't expect, I will choose who I serve."

Twilight stammered for a bit before turning to face me, having regained her composure. "Is that all I can call upon you for? Sex? What if I just want to talk?"

I nodded, smiling. I was glad to see she wasn't going to go down the same path as Luna. Hopefully somewhere in the middle, maybe a little more on the Celestia side. "I am here as your companion Twilight. Should you wish to talk, relieve stress, or almost anything else you may find yourself needing, I am here for you. Everything that happens in here with me stays in here with me."

Again she nodded, slowly starting to smile. And then it disappeared. I hate it when that happens. I was scared for my life when her smile vanished. Then she made a comment I wasn't expecting. "Um, Deep? I prefer mares...." She trailed off, her hooves tapping together. While I knew that many ponies these days were more open about their sexuality, and that it was more common for same sex couples to appear, this hadn't occurred to me. It should have after Luna, but it didn't.

I stared at her for a bit. I knew I could tell her that Luna had a spell for that, but I wasn't sure I wanted to go there again. Then again, she would be kinder than Luna with it, and it wasn't as bad then as the first time. Deciding that I liked her enough, I spoke up. "Well, as I'm sure you know, there are spells for that. And Luna does know one, and has been using it on me." I shivered. Never any warning. I would be called in, open the door, and blasted. "I'm sure she would be willing to teach you."

"Oh no, I couldn't impose such a request upon you. I'm sure I'll be fine." As much as I wouldn't mind not having that spell on me more, I couldn't let it end there. My pride as the royal consort was at stake.

"Twilight, please understand. I am here to serve you however I need to. If that means being a mare, I will gladly do that." She looked at me with a smile, seemingly willing to accept it. "Now, there are a few questions I have for you."

She looked at me, seemingly happy to answer questions. "Yes? I will answer what I can."

I sighed. I didn't think she understood what kind of questions I would be asking. "Well, I need to know your preferences. You've said you prefer mares, but how so?"

I was right. She jumped slightly at my question. "Oh, right. Well, to be honest, I've never been with anypony before. I just know that I'd rather be intimate with a mare than a stallion." I stared at her, amazed. The most eligible, beautiful mare in Equestria, a virgin?

"You must have received suitors before though, right? Ponies lining up the street to ask you out?"

She shook her head again. "No, not that I know of. I stayed in my room most of the time while here, and if any came, after the first one, I had Celestia send them away. And in Ponyville, everypony just saw me as the Element of Harmony."

I stared, my jaw dropping slightly. I had to teach a virgin about sex. This was going to be a long night. "Alright. Twilight, you do know what's involved in sex right? How it all works?"

She shook her head once more, shrugging. "I spent my time studying what Celestia sent me. I didn't get into clop. I mean, I have read a few Biology textbooks, so I know how it works, but I've never seen it, or done it."

Faust help me, I thought to myself, bringing a hoof to my face. "Alright, well that's a start. Tell me what you know." She sat up, looking like she was about to give me a report. "In under a hundred words please." She deflated slightly at that.

"Well, sex, or fornication, is the act of two ponies engaging in actions which is designed to bring pleasure, and through this pleasure, the propagation of the species. It comes from the biological need to further the species and is-"

"That's enough Twilight. Now, what goes where, under what state? What is the order that it happens?" I figured if I kept it enough like a class she would be more comfortable with this. Didn't mean I wanted to listen to her give a textbook definition on everything.

"Well, first, the male phallus must be stimulated. It must go from it's flaccid state to it's erect state, where it has gained length, and has stiffened greatly." Looks like my idea was working. I just hoped she didn't get more technical than I understood. "Then the female must produce adequate lubrication for the phallus. This is usually done by stimulating the clitoris and the labia minora. The inner part of the vagina is also sensitive and can be simulated. However, the psychological effect of a pony being with the right pony under the right circumstances can also produce these effects."

"Alright, what next? And so I know you know, what is what?" I was hesitant about the last part, but wanted to make sure.

She gave me a strange look before lifting me into the air with her magic and giving my length a squeeze. "That would be your phallus correct?" I nodded slowly, surprised at how that had felt. She then proceeded to spread her legs, pointing to various parts of her vagina with her hoof. "That's the clitoris, and down here," She spread her lips, giving me a full show of what she had. "Are the labia minora." I nodded as she correctly identified the parts of her vagina. She dropped me quickly, closing her legs again. "So, then comes the act of sex. This begins with the phallus penetrating the vagina, entering it. The male then begins to slide his phallus in and out of the female's vagina to produce stimulation on both parts."

I nodded, making a mental list of the areas I would need to instruct her on. Such as foreplay. "Alright. What is the stimulation for? On both sides?"

"The stimulation of the phallus is to perpetuate the erection, and lead to an eventual orgasm. During the orgasm, sperm and other fluids leave the head of the phallus and enter the vagina. From there, it's not sex. The stimulation of the female is to cause her to enjoy the act so that it will last long enough for the male orgasm to occur, and to cause the female to continue to want the sex, so that the species will propagate. The same effect occurs for the male." I nodded, glad to hear she at least knew how to have sex.

"Alright Twilight. You know the basics. I'm glad to hear that much. However, there is usually much more that occurs surrounding sex, with many types. Sadly, I cannot tell you what happens between mares, as that is something that I haven't experienced. Luna more just uses me as a toy, so I can't say I actually understand it." She looked at me for a second before levitating a quill and sheet to her. Figures she would take notes. "First, is foreplay." I could see her quill title her page, then return to hovering, waiting for more. "Foreplay is what happens before sex. It is an important part. To use your explanation, it is the stimulation of the phallus and the labia. Foreplay is used to get both partners ready for sex. It goes beyond that though. It also involves kissing, stroking, using the hoof to stroke the other's genitals, and cuddling. When a pegasus is involved, which I include due to your wings, preening and massaging right below the join can be used. For unicorns, strangely, the horn is very sensitive, to the right kind of stimulus, such as licking or the correct series of magical energy waves. Foreplay is the beginning of the physical intimacy, and is used greatly between partners who love each other."

"Well. So it involves a lot of just touching?" Twilight asked, her student instincts kicking in. I nodded happily, glad to relax and take a breath. "And it's more of a gradual build up, starting tame and progressing to more, well sexual?" Again I nodded, still trying to fully recover my breath. It had been awhile since I spoke for so long. "So the foreplay is the start of the sex, and involves the two involved ponies becoming physically close, and preforming acts upon the other in the hopes of easing the transition to the full sex." I nodded, confirming her summation. She had summed it up well. "Is there anything else that falls under Foreplay?"

I though for a moment before adding. "Yes. Words are a big part of it. The mere mention of sexual acts, their description, and various other things are sometimes enough to provide the needed erection and lubrication." She gave me a surprise glance before scribbling on her sheet. "That covers foreplay. Now onto what is known as oral sex."

She stared at me. "Deep, oral would refer to the mouth, and sex, well that's sex. How do those relate?" Despite her question she still titled her next sheet, waiting on more.

I rolled my eyes. "Correct Twilight. It's not exactly sex, though it involves either the vagina or penis, and the other's mouth." She continued to stare at me, confused. "Most ponies find that the wetness of the mouth and the form of the tongue to be very stimulating. It can be used as foreplay, though it is a separate act unto itself."

"Oh. So it's just the use of the mouth to stimulate the other?" I nodded. She added a few lines before asking, "How is it done?"

"Well, when the female does it to the male, she has multiple options. She can lick the penis, stroke it with her tongue, or take it into her mouth. All three can be used together to provide differing pleasures to the male. If done properly, it can cause the male to orgasm." Twilight continued taking notes, scurrying to write everything down.

"Wouldn't that be a waste of the sperm though? There is no chance of impregnation like that." She questioned after finishing her batch of notes.

"Well yes. That can be the point though. There are couples who do not wish to run the risk of pregnancy, but still wish to feel that pleasure." Twilight started nodding, understanding. "Now, as I implied, it can be done the other way. The male uses his mouth to stimulate the vagina, and bring pleasure to the female." I held up a hoof, stopping the question I knew was incoming from Twilight. "This is done through licking, kissing, occasionally very light bites, and the tongue entering the vagina." I could see Twilight gently shifting her legs, rubbing her thighs together. "Again, all of these can be used in varying combinations to bring pleasure to the female. Though not a part of oral, the hoof stimulating the phallus or vagina is common during these acts."

Again Twilight continued taking notes after I finished speaking, so I waited. She looked kinda cute sitting there, tongue between her lips as she scribbled away. "Alright Deep. That's, well interesting."

"Then you'll find this next part very interesting." I took a deep breath, preparing for the twitch my next comment would bring. "Anal."

I was right. I heard Twilight's quill break through her sheet as I mentioned it. I looked up to find her sitting there, staring at me, her parchment still floating with a pen in it. "ANAL?" She exclaimed. "There are ponies who would do that?"

I sighed. I knew it wasn't going to be easy. "Yes Twilight. To put it simply and quickly, anal is almost the same as normal, or vaginal, sex. The differences are that the anus is used instead of the vagina, and saliva or special gels are used as lube, as the anus obviously doesn't produce any."

"Well of course it doesn't! It's not meant to be used for sex!" I could tell she was disturbed. "Where did this even start?"

"I don't understand it either Twilight." I knew I had to calm her and move the topic on. " And I don't know where it started either, but it is a method of sex, so I'm including it. Shall we move on?"

"Yes, please." She whispered, tearing apart the apparently offensive sheet. "What else is there?"

"Well, there are forms of sex involving more than two ponies, though they are more done for pleasure than out of love." Twilight shrugged, waving a hoof, telling me to move on. "Well, after sex typically comes something known as pillow talk." Again Twilight titled her sheet, now interested. "It's actually very simple. The ponies who have just engaged in sex, usually physically drained, talk, while laying next to each other. The topics are usually something related to the relationship of the two, though it can cover anything."

Twilight finished her short notes on pillow talk, setting the sheet with the others. "Alright. Thank you very much Deep. Now," She blushed deeply as she continued. "I believe I have you for the night?"

I could see where this was going. And I didn't like it. But, if she wanted to, I had to comply. And better her than Luna. And better I teach her, with no commitment, and since I know exactly what I'm doing, than somepony else. Still, didn't want to do this. Her first time should be with somepony she loves. "I suppose you're expecting a practical test on the theory we just covered?"

"What? No, I wanted to cuddle. It sounds nice." I didn't expect that. I honestly thought she would be wanting to test what she had just learned. Well, another night away from Luna, and I wasn't doing anything with Twilight. It was a good night. "What is cuddling?"

I chuckled, standing and walking over to her, laying back down next to her. "Roll over Twilight, face me." I turned to my side, facing her as she faced me. "Cuddling is a step up from hugging you could say." I wrapped my forehooves around her, gently pulling her close. She let me pull her in, shifting to get comfortable. "We don't have to do any more than this." I whispered, gently stroking her mane. She rested her muzzle on my shoulder, and we slowly drifted to sleep, content.

Author's Note

Just want to say, both the title of this chapter and the last are comments on Deep's thoughts on the events, and mine on the fact that I actually wrote this.
And this is it. There will be no more of this. Not here. Alright, maybe. If I can think of somepony else to write it for.
I do have another story, in a similar vein, that I plan to write, though it won't be for a long time. I've got other stuff I'm working on first. If you want to watch for it, watch for a story from me, labeled Comedy, with Blue Blood as the main character. I hope that it satisfies your need for random, funny crap.