IS THIS OUR REAL LIFE?Or Is This Just Fantasy?By GeodesicDragon
The early morning sun came streaming in through the crack in the curtains, assaulting my tired eyes. Closing them with a groan, I pulled the covers over my head and rolled onto my side. I felt my lips pressing against the mare lying next to me and smiled.
"Morning, babe." I said cheerfully.
"Mornin', sugarcube."
My eyes snapped open, revealing that I was sharing a bed with Applejack. I yelped loudly and fell onto the floor in a tangled mess of limbs and blankets.
"Shit, AJ." I said. "Sorry about that."
Applejack looked confused.
"Sorry fer what, darlin'?" she asked. "Kissin' yer wife?"
"Yeah, I'm sorry I kissed you." I replied. "I thought you were— I'm sorry, what did you just say?"
"Ah said Ah was your wife." Applejack replied. "What, did ya get so drunk last night at the party that ya forgot yer whole life?"
I didn't reply, given the fact that my brain had exploded. Applejack saw the glazed look in my eyes and scoffed.
"Shoot." she said. "Ah can't believe y'all forgot about our lives together. Perhaps ya'd like me ta refresh yer memory?"
I nodded meekly.
"Y'all came to Equestria after ya got shot by some bad apple named Derek. The girls and Ah found ya, but Ah'm the one who carried ya to the hospital. It was there that ya met Princess Celestia, who tried ta send ya home, but failed."
Applejack looked at me, but when she realised that I was still unable to formulate a coherent sentence, she took advantage of my silence to continue speaking.
"When ya got out of tha hospital, ya came to stay with me at Sweet Apple Acres. And then, well... things kinda blossomed from there. Ah remember when Ah told ya how Ah felt." she chuckled. "Ya found mah diary, in which Ah was wonderin' about human matin'. Although you thought it said 'human dating'. Ya asked me about it, and... well, Ah just blurted out that Ah loved ya."
I made a neutral noise in my throat.
"That's when ya told me that y'all cared about me. Ya told me Ah'd always been there for ya. And that's when we kissed. And boy howdy, was it somethin' else! A few weeks later, we were at a party which Pinkie had organised. Princess Celestia was there, and y'all were panickin' about gettin' her approval. But she was de-lighted that we were together. Ya told the Princess that you'd do whatever it took to make me happy, come—"
"Come hell or high water." we said together.
Applejack smiled.
"Aw, shucks!" she said. "Ya do remember! Anyhoo, when we got home that night we... how do Ah put this... 'united'."
"United?" I said, before realisation hit me. "Oh, right. Sex."
Applejack blushed.
"Eeyup." she said. "Anyway, ta cut a long story short, those humans came back, y'all got shot again and returned ta yer own world. But ya never stopped tryin' ta get back ta me. And ya did, eventually. And what's more, ya brought Ace and John with ya! Now those two are with Pinkie and Twilight, while you an' I are married, and have foals! Ain't it great?"
"Foals?!" I said, dumbstruck.
"Yep." Applejack beamed, stepping to one side to reveal the two foals in their cot.
"... they're both unicorns." I said. "What gives?"
"Hey now," Applejack snorted, "if the Cakes, two Earth ponies, can have a pegasus and a unicorn, what's stopping a human and an earth pony from makin' two unicorns? It's rare, but not unheard of. And Ah don't like yer implication that Ah'm sleepin' around."
"Sorry, sorry." I said defensively.
"Ah'm just teasin'." Applejack replied. "Now come on, git up and have a shower while Ah make us breakfast. We've got a lot o' work to do on the farm today. So hustle up!"
As she trotted out of the room, I got up off the floor and put a hand to my forehead. I didn't have a temperature, so I wasn't ill. I left the bedroom and entered the bathroom. As I stepped into the shower, I had one thought on my mind.
John is going to kill me.
***
At the library, the sounds of books hitting the floor roused Ace from his slumber. As his eyes adjusted to the light, he felt movement beside him and smiled.
"Morning, Pinks." he said cheerfully.
"Pinks?"
Ace's eyes snapped open and he spun his head around, coming face-to-face with Twilight.
"Twilight?!" he gasped. "What are you doing here?"
Twilight looked around.
"... I live here?" she said. "And so do you."
"I... what?!" Ace rubbed his eyes. "I don't live here, I live at my lab outside of town!"
"No, you just work there." Twilight replied. "And you live here with me... your wife."
Ace's face fell.
"I'm sorry... but did you just say you were my wife?"
Twilight nodded.
"I sure am!" she replied, before her eyes narrowed. "Why, don't you remember anything?"
Ace shook his head.
"Jeez, Ace." Twilight scolded. "How much did you drink last night?!"
Not enough, as it happens.
"I'm not sure, Twi." Ace said feebly. "I can't really remember anything. Could you possibly enlighten me?"
Twilight sighed.
"I guess so." she said, before taking a deep breath. "When you got here with Geo and John, I offered you a job here, helping me with my studies about your species and your homeworld. We both realised we had a lot in common. We were both smart, and eager to change the world around us for the better."
Ace nodded and motioned for her to continue.
"One day, you were playing the piano downstairs. You told me all about a game from your world about a little girl named Ib, who was trapped in the world of a famous painter, and that in order to survive, she needs to protect her rose. She meets a man named Garry, who becomes her protector, and together they escape from the artist's world."
"Okay. I'm with you so far." Ace said, offering a thumbs up.
"You asked me if I could protect my rose in such a world. When I told you I'd probably eat it, you said you'd protect me from myself, that I was an 'angel sweeter than any confection I could cook'. When you said that you would 'carry me through all the dangers of the world', I... tackled you and peppered your face with kisses."
"Sounds lovely." Ace replied.
"A few months later, you saved Pinkie and her family from the Diamond Dogs!" Twilight said dreamily. "You followed her to the mine and used your bots to beat up a bunch of dogs, and then you beat up their leader! The fact you risked yourself to save one of my friends just made me love you even more."
Ace grinned.
"Yeah." he said. "That totally sounds like something I would do."
"And then you proposed and we got married! It was the best day of my life, Ace, and I wouldn't trade it for all the parchment in Equestria! Oh, speaking of which, we've got research to do! So get up, and let's go!"
Twilight bounded out of the room with glee, leaving Ace to collect his thoughts as he dragged himself out of bed.
Geo is going to kill me.
***
The sounds of clattering roused John from his slumber. As his eyes adjusted to the light, he felt movement beside him and smiled.
"Morning, AJ." he said cheerfully.
"Morning, Johnny!"
John's eyes snapped open and he spun his head around, coming face-to-face with Pinkie.
"Pinkie?!" he gasped. "What are you doing here?"
Pinkie looked around.
"I live here, silly!" she said. "And so do you."
"I... what?!" John rubbed his eyes. "No I don't!"
"Uh-huh!" Pinkie replied. "You live and work here with me... your super-special wife."
John's face fell.
"I'm sorry... but did you just say you were my wife?"
Pinkie nodded.
"I sure am!" she replied, before her eyes narrowed. "Why, don't you remember anything?"
John shook his head.
"Whoa, you must have drank away your memories!" Pinkie said, before putting a hoof to her chin. "I didn't think it was possible to drink memories..."
"Pinkie..." John said sternly. "Since I can't really remember anything, could you possibly enlighten me?"
Pinkie grinned.
"Very well." she replied. "I met you when you and Ace came to Equestria on the back of that robot of his. We were suspicious of you, but then Geo appeared and said you were his friends. Applejack was really pleased to see her lover, having spent a few weeks camping in the Everfree waiting for him."
"Applejack and Geo?" John asked.
"That's a story for another time." Pinkie said. "Right now, this is all about me telling you our story."
John nodded.
"Please, continue." he said.
"Anyway, I offered you a place to stay, and the Cakes agreed to let you work here as my assistant. We had so much fun together! It was great meeting somepony who shared my 'if its fun, do it' attitude. We did so many crazy things, like pranks!"
John smiled.
"It was at a party when you declared your feelings for me. We had just finished selling some apple pies that AJ and Geo dropped off, and I got us a cider each. I told you that I'd heard a rumour you had a secret special somepony. However, you assured me that you had a crush on somepony, but were afraid to tell them."
"Yeah, that sounds like me, all right." John muttered.
"I told you that any mare would be lucky to have you, because you were such a great friend. Sure, you were a spy, but you've put all that behind you and moved on. You're also funny and great to be around. Then I asked you who the lucky mare was."
"Let me guess." John interjected. "I said it was you, and planted a big wet one on your lips."
Pinkie nodded eagerly.
"You do remember!" she squealed. "It was a great kiss, Johnny. I told you that I felt the same way, and we spent a while just making out amongst the empty pie boxes."
John blushed.
"Ooh! Speaking of pies," Pinkie gasped, "we've got things to make! Come on, Johnny! The sooner we finish making things, the sooner we can have lots and lots of fun!"
She sped out of the room as fast as her hooves would carry her, leaving John to collect his thoughts.
Ace is going to kill me.
***
It was mid-afternoon, and I was sitting at a cafe in Ponyville, eating my lunch, and trying to wrap my head around the whole situation. The fact that I was apparantely with Applejack now was a lot to take in. All I could remember from the previous night was that there was a lot of alcohol involved. But since alcohol wasn't known for its ability to provide dimension-jumping powers, I felt it safe to assume that something else was the cause.
"Uh, morning Geo."
John sat on one of the vacant chairs, placing his lunch order with a nearby waitress. As the mare went to get his food, he turned to me and smiled sheepishly.
I returned his smile with one of my own, but I still avoided eye contact. I noticed that he was doing the same.
As his food turned up, so did Ace. Unlike John and I, however, he seemed to have a solid grasp on things. As he sat down, he spoke.
"If I didn't know any better," he said flatly, "it would seem that I wasn't the only one who apparantely woke up next to the wrong mare this morning."
John and I looked at him.
"Oh thank fuck for that." I said. "You're right, you're not the only one. I woke up next to AJ. She's adamant that we're married, and that we've had foals!"
"I was wondering where Azure and Evening got to." Ace replied. "I didn't see them when I woke up next to Twilight."
"I woke up next to Pinkie." John muttered.
The three of us looked at each other as a heavy silence descended upon the table.
"I'm just going to come out and say it." John said, before turning to Ace and pointing at him. "What the fuck did you do?"
"Me?!" Ace replied. "Why do you think I'm involved in this?"
"Because you're one who built a dimension-jumping device." John said smugly. "The same one we used to get here."
"What, so you think I got the three of us drunk, dragged us to the portal, selected a new universe, and pushed you two in before leaping through myself?" Ace scoffed. "Get real, John."
"Then it must be a dream." John snorted. "One of those weird 'shared dreams'. Here, let me try something."
He reached over and pinched my arm.
"Ow, fuck!" I yelled. "Bastard! What the fuck was that for?!"
"To see if we're dreaming." John replied. "You're still here, so either we're not, or pinching isn't enough."
"What could we try instead of pinching?" I asked, rubbing my sore arm. "As far as I know, pinching always works."
John took a bite from his lunch.
"There is something else we can try." he said between mouthfuls. "But not here. We'll go to the library. At least then if my new idea fails, we can read up on what could be causing this, and then find a way to fix it."
Ace and I nodded.
I ate my lunch slowly, dreading what John had in store for us.
***
"Are you crazy?!" I said. "How the hell is punching each other going to help?!"
"Because it's a hell of a lot more painful than pinching." John replied. "Now, shut up and hit me."
"I'm a mad scientist," Ace said, "and even I think this is fucked up."
John groaned.
"Well, unless you've got a better idea..." he said, "... I see this as our only solution."
I snorted.
"You can sugar-coat it all you want, mate." I said. "I'm still not gonna hit you."
A small grin appeared on John's face.
"Really?" he asked. "Because if I was you, I would see this as revenge for the Laser Tag deba—"
He never got to finish that sentence as my fist connected with his lower jaw, sending him onto his back. Ace stifled a chuckle as John scrambled to his feet.
"Ow, shit!" he said. "Okay, that didn't work. Maybe you didn't hit me as hard as... this!"
He rushed forward, swinging his fist. I tried to dodge it... only to be hit by his other one instead. I fell to the ground nursing my jaw.
"Yeeeeaaahhhh!" John said. "MI6 style, motherfucker!"
He was too busy laughing, he failed to notice Ace sneaking up on him with a lamp, which was promptly smashed over his head.
"Dude!" I shouted. "What the hell?!"
"If John is right," Ace said, holding his arms out defensively, "and we are dreaming, then any injuries we inflict here won't carry over to the waking world... AKA the real world."
"Good point." John said from the floor, as he grabbed Ace's legs and pulled him to the floor. "Payback time, Acey!"
The two of them began tearing lumps out of each other. Punching, kicking, biting... nothing was sacred. With a snarl, I joined the melee, flailing my arms and legs like they were pistons. In the resulting carnage, several items of furniture were smashed, and much blood was shed — mostly from me.
The three of us were so preoccupied with trying to kill each other, we failed to hear the door opening... as well as failing to see the three shocked mares standing in the doorway.
"What in tarnation?" Applejack said. "What the hay are they doin'?"
"I don't know," said Pinkie, "but it looks fun!"
"No it's not!" Twilight shouted. "Look at what they've done to my furniture! It'll take ages to fix this!"
They looked back at the three of us rolling around on the floor. In the mayhem, I brought my foot back to kick John in the face. Instead, it collided with a bookcase. The shockwave sent a few books falling to the floor.
Twilight's eyes shrank to pinpricks. Her mane became dishevilled, and her breathing intensified. Applejack and Pinkie backed away, fearful of what was coming.
"ENOUGH!" Twilight bellowed.
A deathly silence fell as the three of us stopped fighting and scrambled to our feet.
"This... this is... I can't... WHY?!" Twilight said, almost in tears.
John stepped forward.
"This isn't real!" he snarled. "This is a weird dream, and we were trying to get out of it! I am not married to Pinkie, I'm married to Applejack! Ace is Pinkie's husband!"
"And I'm married to you, Twilight!" I added.
The three mares were about to reply when another voice rang out.
"Goodness! What on Equestria happened here?"
Applejack, Pinkie and Twilight stepped aside as Fluttershy, Rarity and Rainbow Dash entered the library-slash-warzone.
"They happened." Twilight said, pointing at John, Ace and I. "I told you this was a bad idea!"
Dash burst out laughing.
"No, it was an awesome idea!" she said. "Aw, man. I can't believe I missed the fight! I could have brought popcorn!"
"I agree with Dashie." Pinkie said. "It was a fun idea. Sure, there's damage and injuries, but they can be fixed with magic!"
"Although," Rarity added, "No amount of magic will fix those drapes. They're all tattered and worn!"
"We didn't do that." I deadpanned.
Rarity blushed.
"Sorry, Twilight." she mumbled.
"Ah agree with Twilight." Applejack said. "This whole thing has been blown outta all pre-portions."
"Pfft." Dash snorted. "It was a great idea. Though I gotta admit that I never thought they'd go this far."
John facepalmed.
"Could somepony please tell us..." he sighed, "... what the fuck is going on here?"
The six mares didn't say a word. Dash, now trying to stifle her laughter, pointed towards the wall. We followed her line of sight, our eyes coming to rest on a calendar.
APRIL 1st
April Foal's Day
"Oh for fuck-" was all we managed to get out before the world went black, Dash's guffaws ringing in our ears.
