Ian: The Crawling Kingsnake of Equestria

My hand rubbed against the cold floor around me, only it wasn’t the type of wet, stingy cold I expected. Instead it was a smooth, marble like ground, the cold being momentary as my toasty hands warmed it up.

I looked up, expecting to see the Co-Op in the distance, and the street corner where I seemed to slip over. Or was I hit by a car? I couldn’t tell, though the flashes of light made me think perhaps the ice was too much for one set of wheels. It was all so quick.

As my eyes adjusted to the now sunny day that had apparently split apart the drab, grey skies I walked under only a moment ago, I saw a huge white creature eyeing me. I blinked a few times and squeezed my eyes shut, hoping they would recover when they open. Well, they recovered, but I still reckoned I was hallucinating because standing infront of me was a massive horse, with bloody winds and a horn!

I laid there on my back, holding myself up with my elbows, staring into the purple eyes of this mutant horse. Thing is, I didn’t feel shock or fear. In fact, this whole place was filled with an aura of… joy? Happiness? Everything good I’d say. I reckoned I’d start with a question.

“Am I dead?” I asked innocently, thinking that somewhere so happy could only be heaven. “I mean, I’m not a Christian or anything, but if you’re God then damn, I apologise for all those on earth portraying you dreadfully wrong.”

Celestia dipped her head down and gave me a soft smile. “Ian? My names Princess Celestia, and this is my sister Princess Luna.” She said, quietly backing away to give me enough space to gather my bearings and see the other horse-thing. The other one was dark blue, an incredibly nice dark blue too.

I didn’t know what to expect. Even if they were Gods, I didn’t expect them to bloody well speak! I’d have guessed there to be some form of messenger or translator nearby. “S... S... Speak? Nahh y... you can’t speak.” I muttered shaking my head dramatically, out of breath and heart pounding.

“Stand.” Luna ordered “Look around and calm yourself.”

I did as I was told and picked myself up off the smooth floor, noticing the spiralling gold mosaic beneath me. The two animals before me were not in fact normal horses, as you may have guessed; they seemed much friendlier and gentle.

After taking a large intake of air, which actually tasted pretty nice -sweet like popcorn- my nerves relaxed and my heart no longer felt like it was about to burst through my chest and fly away. I took a few step back to a pearl coloured balcony and took a look around, then my legs gave why.

“Christ alive!” I said in a panic, my fear of heights kicking in. I was usually ok while on balconies, but by God, the drop beneath that place was extraordinarily long. Once again calming myself down I regained my composure and mustered up the balls to take another look.

The land was beautiful. Green hills as far as the eye can see. This was true nature, like the Shire or something. A dreamland! I even spotted a small town in the distance, coloured like an artist’s pallet.

“Right then.” I muttered quietly to myself, feeling it time to get some answered. “Erm, Shadowfax?” I said with cheek, knowing she probably wouldn’t get the joke.

“Yes? Are you going to whistle me over or am I ok standing here?” She said back with equal cheek, something I couldn’t help fangirl over. She knew about Tolkien! *Squee*

“Ha, um...” Damn, she broke my concentration. “For starters, how do you like The Hobbit movies? I know they haven’t all come out, but... how epic was Smaug!” I clenched my fists in excitement and had to force myself not to jump in joy.

I swear I saw her eyes light up, however she seemed to change her stance into more of a ‘royal’ one, holding up her head and straightening her neck. “While I do prefer the company of real dragons...” Real dragons? Wait, horses with horses and wings, popcorn air and now dragons? I’ll say it again: what a dreamland! “He is indeed epic! Oh that voice! I just died when he toyed with Bilbo! Sherlock and Watson, together again!”

Oh. My. God.

“Oh. My. God. You watch Sherlock too?!” I couldn’t withhold my excitement; I literally jumped and laughed as we spoke. “How’d you think he survived the fall?”

“Well,” She began, an equal amount of joy in her face, “Molly must have had something-” She would have continued but we were interrupted by Luna, who was not amused.

The younger Princess cleared her throat and threw a dirty look at Celestia. “Can we get onto more pressing matters? Dare I call them even that?” She advanced and stood beside her sister, who rolled her eyes and smiled.

“Alright then... Anderson.” I added, gaining a snicker from Celestia. Lucky for me Luna must not get it, otherwise I might have been a turned into a newt. “Well, I suppose I should ask the obvious. Where am I?”

“Canterlot.” Celestia answered proudly. “Our home and yours for the time being.”

I puffed in disbelief “Canterlot?” I placed my hands on my hips and wondered where all the imagination had gone. “Honestly? You’re joking?”

“No we are not.” Luna said quite boldly. I began seeing the connection between her colour and named. She certainly has the colours of the night. “Canterlot, in Equestria. The closest town is Ponyville and we rule over the land as kin.”

“Canterlot in Equestria near Ponyville” I said sarcastically. “You’re taking the mick? Well, Tolkien had is Mount Doom and you have your Ponyville.” I added slyly with a grin.

Celestia frowned and I caught the mood. She obviously thought there was nothing wrong with the name. I suppose if you’ve lived in a place for so long, you get used to everything about it.

“Alright then.” I said with a higher voice, trying to convince her I was fine with it as you would agree with a toddler babbling rubbish. “Hmm... ‘Canterlot.” I took a full 360 degree turn to take in everything about this small room. There were some bookcases, a knocked over plant –they should really fix that after all its a place of royalty apparently- and the unbeat nature of everything. “It does seem a bit cartoon-y this place.”

“That’s because your world is much different from ours.” Celestia said, smiling once again.

“I’m in a different world?” I scratched my head. I was half surprised, but then where else could I have been? I don’t recall anywhere quite as colourful as this back on Earth. Maybe hidden away somewhere in New Zealand, but that’s a longshot. “Figures.” I said, rolling my eyes. I then clapped my hands and rubbed them together, hoping to find out the real reason I’m here. “Right, what do you want with me?”

Straight out of the blue Celestia answered with something completely absurd. “I would like your permission to transform you into a pony.”

My eyes widened and I let out a fake laugh. “Exsqueeze me? A baking powder? No, no, no… “ why?”

“Why not party on?” Wow, how’d she get that? Is she really a Princess? You sure as hell wouldn’t find Prince Harry, Prince William, Kate Middleton and the Queen head banging to Bohemian Rhapsody inside an 1976 AMC Pacer with damn flames on the side. But I bet you get Celestia and a few friends together you’d be putting on the next Lunastock. “You’re a man who likes jokes. I’m a Princess who likes jokes. One plus one.”

The reality of the situation hit me like a brick at that point. “You brought me here for a joke?” I couldn’t believe it. Ripped from my life into a fantasy world for the sole purpose of a bloody joke. ‘I am a man with a sense of humour though.’ I thought, rubbing my chin. And to be honest, I’m here now. Chances are the Warburton’s bread is all gone, and my craving’s changed from toast to popcorn.

“Do you guys have popcorn here?” I inquired, narrowing my eyes as I did so.

In the corner of my eye I saw Luna facepalm but Celestia remained with a smile. “Of course.”

I did a long, drawn out nod and practically bowed to the Princesses, as a good man should. “Ms Celestia, Ms Luna.” I announced rather formally.

“Yes?” They said in unison, though Celestia’s excited answer drowned out Luna’s drained voice.

“I accept. Why not? Being the Princess’ royal fool can’t be too bad, especially since you seem to be the best Princess ever.” Before they could respond” I stuck out my arm, pointing one finger into the air. “But wait, don’t turn me into a pony. Yet.”

“Why?” They tilted their heads simultaneously making me chuckle slightly.

“What d’you want me to do exactly?”

I sat myself down while Celestia more so than Luna explained how they were getting bored with the recent happenings in the land. They told me the tale of Discord, Nightmare Moon, King Sombra, as well as the Elements of Harmony and their wielders, and the extra Princess apparently living down in Ponyville. I listened with gracious interest, fascinated by the mixture of mythic gods and their comings to life.

I have a massive interest in ancient mythology, especially the Norse. I hate modern religions, though I won’t be getting into that. While we’re on the subject of me I may as well tell you I can also play the keyboard. Some say I’m amazing, an undiscovered talent. I wish it to remain like that, undiscovered; for I learnt the keyboard for the sole purpose of giving me a bit of relaxation time when home alone. They also tell me I’m pretty humble.

The Doors, oh The Doors, perhaps the greatest band that ever existed in my opinion. I love them. I have learned many of Ray Manzarek’s pieces over the years and have memorized the vast majority of their songs’ lyrics. Jim Morrison, the most open and magical poet. His words were… sorry are a force to be reckoned with.

My looks are not needed to be described in much detail. I have often been remarked to as being a shaggy man, sometimes even a hippie with my long, curled brown hair and the constant anti-war sign I wear around my neck. I have no facial hair whatsoever and I’m twenty six, my birthday being a couple of weeks away. The necklace was given to me by Jim Morrison. Well not by himself, he gave it to my father who worked as a producer. He ran into Jim one night and Jim was off his head in LSD. My dad greeted him and Jim placed the necklace around his neck. My dad, the nobleman he is, handed down the ‘amulet’, as he called it, to me. I was, and still am, a very happy chappy about that, God knows how much it’s worth.

Anyway, the Princess’ shared their tales and then gave me my task. With quick thinking they put my current human form to good use. I had a minute to simply run through Ponyville and see everone’s –sorry everypony’s- reaction. Princess Celestia would be watching somehow and enjoying the spectacle.

I suspected that I was not a common being in this world, and this was Celestia’s first human-related prank. I went along with it anyway, knowing pleasing a Princess was a million times better than denying or even disrespecting them. Besides I reckoned that it’d be a laugh. No harm was involved and I hoped I might even be rewarded for my services.

The Princess spoke one last word before I was teleported to the outskirts of Ponyville. She whispered ‘L’America’ and winked. I picked up the jist of it immediately. A flash of light overcame my senses and then I was gone, somewhere near Ponyville, just on the outskirts. My minute had started, and when the time ran out I would be magically whisked away back to Canterlot.

Ponyville looked to be a peaceful town, full of ponies much smaller than Celestia and Luna. They were also split into different types. Some had horns, some had wings and some had nothing at all, though I saw no Alicorns, which are supposedly what the Princesses are.

I scanned the town for a few seconds, trying to spot the best place to pull the prank. It was a simple joke really. Basically, since none of the ponies had seen a human before they’d all have quite the fright seeing me.

The town square seemed like a good place to perform. Without a second thought I ran straight down the street and into the town square, screaming like a cat in pain and waving my hands in the air. “LOOK AT ME I’M A CHOCOLATE BUSCUIT!” I yelled at the top of my voice. Ponies cried in terror and ran to their small cosy cottages dotted along the streets, each looking newly built.

I wished I could have seen their reactions, but I knew Celestia would have been enjoying herself. I then thought I should take it a bit farther, so I climbed on top of a market stall, and while seeing the peeping eyes of terrified ponies from their windows I shouted “YEEEEAAHHH” and sung.

“C’mon ponies don’t ya look so down
You know the rain colt’s comin’ ta town
Change the weather, change your luck
And then he’ll teach ya how ta… find yourself”

I smiled at my successful translation of a few lyrics into this ‘pony language’ and gracefully jumped off the stall, acting as camp as possible. I skipped circles in the square and clapped my hands high in the air.

“Heeeeeey!” I announced at the doorway of what must have been the town square. “Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!”

I tried to go on for a little longer but seeing one pony hiding in a barrel with its flank sticking out caused me to burst out into an uncontrollable fit of laughter and fall, quite hard, onto the cobblestone ground. I swear I nearly peed myself. This was truly a once in a lifetime experience, you couldn’t have this type of fun back on Earth.

A small flicker and a few orange sparks formed around me, so I readied myself as best I could to return back, laying myself out straight so I wouldn’t fall again. I didn’t realised the minute had passed, but thinking back over it sixty seconds wasn’t a great amount of time.

Seconds later I was laid directly under Princess Luna, viewing her dark underbelly. “Ah, hello Princess.” I joked, though I really feared for my wellbeing at that moment, imagining Luna honing in on my face and crushing me beneath her hoof. Instead she jumped away in shock while Celestia used her leg to cover her giggles.

I clambered up off the floor and dusted myself off. After letting out a few more laughs and wiping away a tear from my eye and stood up straight and faced Celestia. “I’ve done my part your highnesses. Was it to your standards?”

“Oh yes.” She said, also still giggling. “You should have seen the speed Berry Punch ran into her house, and then that other one who jumped into a barrel!” I spied Luna forming a smirk, though she quickly averted her face and stopped any sign of enjoyment show through her stern stature. “Well? Do you wish to become a pony?” Princess Celestia asked after a moment of laughter, returning to her normal stature.

It was a tough one. “Well-”

Luna interrupted right before I could answer. “Remember that it will be difficult for you to adjust, and you may get homesick. We can change you, however your true identity must remain secret.” Luna warned, and I listened carefully. “You’ll have to change your name, your voice and your looks.”

My voice, I wondered why they needed to change that. I asked and Luna said “because if they hear the same voice that’s just been running rabid down the streets of Ponyville how do you think they will respond?” I didn’t think they would have the time to stop and check, but I suppose if some stranger showed up after another had just left, each with the same voice and expressions, you could get suspicious.

“True, very true.” I gave it some thought, weighing the pros and cons, which didn’t really take long. I returned to my previous argument, that I was her now so I may as well. I finally came to my conclusion. “Well it’s worth a try, eh?” I winked and nodded “Go on then. I won’t need to do anymore tasks though, will I?”

Celestia smirked at my constant questions. “No of course not, I just want to see what comes of it.”

“Good.” I realised I hadn’t thought it properly through as I placed my hands in my jean pockets. “And what about my clothes?”

Luna stepped in this time and paced across the room. “They will be hidden, ready for your return to Earth.” She stopped and faced me, her eyes still closed for some reason. “Is there anything you wish to wear?

“Will any of this look good on a pony?” I judged my clothes more than I had ever done in my life. Nothing really would suit a pony, in my opinion. Rightly so too I hope, after all it was all designed for humans. But there was thing I had to keep on me, at all times. “I’m keeping the necklace on me.” I announced. “Wait a minute though, there will my clothes go? Do I have to strip naked?”

Celestia couldn’t help a sly smile. “I’m afraid so.”

Oh, very proficient. Very funny Celestia.” Neither of the Princesses left, and I couldn’t care less about privacy, so for a little joke of my own I tested myself on how fast I could take off my trousers. Luna still stood with her eyes shut, and Celestia simply waited for me to be ready. I rolled my eyes as I took off my socks, then had quite a cruel idea when I was about to take off my boxer shorts. “Hey Luna.” I said, innocently. She opened her eyes and gasped in shock as I motioned myself taking off my boxers. Her wings were thrust infront of her face, blocking all view of me to her.

I let out a chuckle and finished undressing, facing the balcony and holding my hands infront of my privates. “Hurry up then!” I snapped, sick of standing naked infront of two female horses. I examined my body again and remembered the many tattoos of lyrics and song names by The Doors. “I want to keep these too.”

Celestia on the other hand didn’t seem too bothered about my nakedness. In fact, I spotted her checking out my tattoos when I turned to see why she was taking so long. They must have given her an idea as she began casting the spell without giving a heads up. A tingling sensation rushed through my body, my eyes felt like they were bulging and about to burst. I blacked out a few times, each time I woke on my knees or on the floor, numb and powerless. To my surprise it did not hurt, it actually tickled!

I remember being on the floor and looking to Celestia, seeing her sweet reassuring smile and then blackness.