Ian: The Crawling Kingsnake of Equestria

By Jim that wasn’t fun. It felt like I had a hangover as I regained consciousness, a pulsating headache and queasy stomach burdening my ever movement, which were practically squirms. I heard the voice of a familiar Night Princess as I awoke; sensing her beside me and feeling the rush off air come off her every movement. I rolled onto my side, hoping to get a better view of them both.

“Sister! He’s moving!” The younger Princess shouted in relief, though I knew there was excitement in her voice. My nose was practically poking her back leg she was so close.

The light hoofsteps of Celestia echoed as she grew closer and closer. My eyelids were heavier, and sticky. From what I do not know but whatever it was forced me to try and manually open them with my newly gifted hooves.

“Ian? Are you alright?” Celestia inquired in a clearly concerned tone of voice.

“A can’t open my bloody eyes!” I yelled, struggling to scrape away the gluey substance. Then I noticed the first change. My voice was slightly higher. I still had my accent, but it was… weird to say the least, then again it wasn’t me… was it?

“Ah yes, that would be from your eyes watering during the spell. Human tears must act as some sort of glue when left to dry for half a day on us ponies.”

“Twelve hours?!” I was out for twelve hours? Nevermind that though, I couldn’t bloody well see. “Can you ‘elp me please?” I sat up and struggled with my hooves to pry open my eyes. It was no use; the hooves were flat and soft like marshmallows. I gave up and leaned back on the shiny wall behind me, wishing the Princesses would do something. “Please?” I begged.

Before long I felt warm air drift along my face and gather along my eyes. I flinched, but found that I was slowly able to open them, and like I was when I first arrived in Equestria I was adjusting to the light. “Thank you.” I said with a hint of annoyance, knowing that Princess Celestia was doing something to help me but taking her sweet time.

My eyelids rose with the sunlight as I saw that it was dawn, and the first of the sun’s rays beamed down on me harshly, nearly blinding me if I hadn’t placed a hoof infront of my face.

“There you go, now look at me.” My eyes darted to the white Princess. “Good, now stand.”

To both our surprise I pushed myself up to an upright position instantly and with ease. I smiled at my achievement, and then adjusted to my new shell. Never before had I thought I would be forced on four legs. I recall wondering what it would be like, and to be honest it isn’t different in reality than it was in my daydream.

“Alright, now try and walk.” She continued, as if she was suddenly a trainer.

I shook my front legs and put the left out first. Then the right leg. And now I was in a bad position. I looked as though I had slipped on ice. I brought the right one back and lifted my back right leg forward. This resembled the normal walk of an equine to me, so I continued and sooner or later I got the hang of it and was walking like an Olympic champion. In the Paralympics.

“How’s this?” I asked overjoyed with my progress.

“Looks fine” both Luna and Celestia said, watching me intently as I adapted. I wondered if they should really be doing this, and if they had done it before. Did they even know if the spell would work? To their luck it had, and I was asking these questions far too late.

Now that I could walk I took more of a chance to check out my new body. “Can I get a mirror?” A pony dressed in stylish rags pushed an overly sized mirror into the room for me. I was beginning to feel like royalty.

“Wow, I don’t look too shabby now do I?” A dark blue pony, ultramarine blue from what I can remember during those dreadful art classes I took on behalf of my parents, looked back at me. I had a brown mane, much like my original brown hair apart from it was longer and many bits parted from the main lock of hair, but rather than stick outwards they fell downwards.

My tail was the same, but I noticed something around my mouth. A shade of green, like the fields of lush, undisturbed grass surrounding Ponyville, covered my muzzle and my hooves. Green hooves! I dismissed them for being normal as you could probably find some pink, fluffy rainbow pony somewhere in this mad land, but I was still intrigued. My eyes hadn’t changed colour. They were ten times bigger but still a blue-grey and I was glad. I always liked my eyes.

My chest seemed bare, and that’s when I realised I forgot to put on my necklace. I found it where I collapsed and just barely managed to put it over my neck, luckily it was too big for me in the first place. I admit it was weird how short I was. I must have felt like Warwick Davis next to Steven Merchant, begging for a job on ‘Life’s Too Short’.

But dwarf jokes aside I knew that I was here to… well I didn’t know why I was here, however I was. The Princess told me that she was going to send me to Ponyville and keep an eye on me. She wanted to know what the outcome of someb-pony like me would be if I were to go and adapt in a pony community. I agreed, so far this world was much more beautiful, peaceful (apart from my minor disturbance) and happy than back home.

“So, ready to go?” asked Celestia, beckoning the town from the balcony.

“Yeah I guess. Time to roll.” I said back.

“Roll baby roll, let it roll all night long.” Ah, she could sing too. Then I realized something even more wonderful. She likes The Doors too!

“How do you know that? Those lyrics? Do you... Like The Doors” I was in disbelief that she actually knew who The Doors were, I mean they were a forty year old band.

“It’s something me and you have in common, we both love the King of C- The Lizard King.” Nice save the Princess, wouldn’t want your sister hearing that.

“Jesus bloody well Christ! The Princess is a fan of Jim!” I shouted in joy, proclaiming her as the greatest leader ever! Then I remembered. “A name! I forgot to name myself! I don’t reckon ‘Ian’ would go down to well.”

“No it wouldn’t.” She tapped her chin a few times in thought. “What would you like to be called?”

A couple of ideas came to mind but none were good enough. They were either too cheesy or sounded plain stupid.

“Can’t you give me some ideas?”

Celestia now rested her chin on her hoof and stood in thought. “Moonlight Mojo?”

I liked it but it did sound a bit puffy. “How about Mojo Blues?” I proposed. “Blues was the name of the game after all.” I added with a smile.

Celestia liked it, so it stuck. “Mojo Blues, Mojo for short.” And now her little test began. She wanted to make sure I wouldn’t slip up and reveal my true self, or arise any suspicion of my past. “Where are you from Mojo?”

This was actually a much easier question, as I had thought up the answer before thinking of a name.

“I’m The Changeling from The Hyacinth House.” I said smiling, and Celestia was buzzing too. “Hang on...” I sighed “You said Changelings ‘round here are bad, yeah?” She then frowned, failing to remember an event that nearly destroyed her land amidst all the excitement. “What about a Shaman? Yeah, a Shaman from The Hyacinth House?”

“Very good Mojo. But one last thing, how did you get here?”

I’ve done all this before, joking on forums and the lark. “The Crystal Ship? Then I travelled on the Spanish Caravan.”

Celestia gave a cheeky wink. We laughed together knowing our little secret is working far too well. A sudden jolt of electricity, or what felt like one, stung my flank. I turned my head to see what had happened, and rather than the plain coat I had earlier I found some sort of mark like the Princesses had. I took a closer inspection and saw that it was Jim Morrison’s head on my back end, but it wasn’t his actual face that decorated my ass, it was made up of various lyrics and song names, just like my tattoos!

I jumped with glee and thanked Celestia, speaking highly of my new, um... “What is it?
“Cutie mark Mojo, it’s called a cutie mark.” She showed me hers and I remember seeing the ponies in Ponyville having their own. It sounded a bit silly though.

“Cutie mark? A bit…” she gave me the evils “Nevermind! I love it! I guess that’s all then, shall I be off?”

“First, where do you wish to go? I give you three choices: Whitetail wood, Everfree forest or Ponyville, the town where I sent you for your task.”

I didn’t expect to make this kind of choice. Whitetail and Everfree sounded like the sensible choices, as I guessed that the town might still be in a state of uproar, and if a new pony just happened to walk the same steps a hairless monster did, it wouldn’t mix too well.

“Everfree doesn’t sound too bad. Send me there. Oh and thank you your grace” I said confidently giving a bow, then closing my eyes for the teleportation spell.

“OK then, ready? 3… 2… 1…”

And zap, I was gone, teleported into a dark, murky run down forest with swamps and monsters around every corner and the sound of goddamn blood thirsty wolves, howling the night away.

“You absolute nonce.”