Ian: The Crawling Kingsnake of Equestria

It seemed I was getting a knack for waking up at dawn, it being the only time I regained consciousness after my two knockouts. Oh the misery I was in. It felt as if the moon had punched me in the stomach and kicked me in the balls for a laugh as it dipped down between the distant hills that I saw so beautifully through the window.

In all my trips to the hospital I had someone with me. If I was to have blood taken from me I would usually pass out; not because of fear but... Well actually I could never tell why. I was fine being injected with whatever they decided to put in me, but when they were taking life out of me I became slightly queasy and fainted on the chair. I deeply hoped blood tests wouldn’t be require during my stay.

Without thinking I budged ever so slightly, allowing my eyes to properly focus, and to my disappointment I found that nobody watched over me. Then again, my introduction to the town would be written down as ‘a stranger who led a troll into a peaceful town’, or so it seemed when I ran through it earlier, so I guess I couldn’t be surprised that my welcome was not one of happiness or of anything at all.

A clean, white bandage constricted my movement significantly. It had been tightly wrapped around my chest, creating a crease along my soar coat. Another two bandages covered my two right-hoof legs. I cringed as I felt the back one soaked with sweat, now could as my sweat had calmed down. The front one was much more comfortable in the non-watery sense, though the extra layer. A cast as it turned out to be, a cast as it turned out to be, gave me the impression I had fractured it, or perhaps it was even broken.

Now, on Earth the majority of horses and ponies with a broken leg would be shot, as it would be incapable of being ridden, worked or sold. I had the sad experience of seeing it in person twice while at the races, one during the Grand National. The screen may have blocked out the sight but it never stopped the action. Thing is, whether or not it was different here never crossed my mind, so l tried to escape. I was an absolute fool for trying, but to my defence I panicked. What would anyone else have done with the thought of being finished off?

In an attempt to flee I lifted my casted leg off its dangling, stiff supports and threw myself onto the checked floor. When in pain or panic sometimes strange thoughts cross your mind, the first of mine being how spotless the floor was. Just like an Earth hospital they were polished and even smelled like lemon. Looking back on it I haven’t the slightest clue why I thought I would land unscathed and on four feet like an agile cat. Instead I rolled off the side of the bed and hit the floor with a large thump, followed by my ear piercing screech of agony.

Two official looking ponies, a mare and stallion each wearing doctor jackets with stethoscopes around their necks, burst through the grey doors. They immediately saw me, my legs splayed out in every direction with my tongue hanging from my mouth.

“Dear Celestia!” The nurse yelled in surprise, though I caught her agitated tone. I wondered if ponies escaping hospitals was a commonplace. Every other movie I had seen where the character ended up in hospital there was always a scene where he broke free from the chains of free, or not so free if you’re in America, healthcare.

“Get him up quickly!” The other doctor instructed as he came and wrapped his hooves around my belly.

A quick ‘one two three’ saw me back onto the bumpy mattress. With a puff of breath the stallion shook his head like a disappointed parent or teacher. They then began questioning me.

“What were you thinking?” The doctor asked with a stern look, though always keeping his professional tone, speaking slow and clear. “You might have made your condition a whole lot worse.”

Obviously I couldn’t tell them the truth of what I was thinking. I don’t think anyone one would believe me if I were to say I reigned from a different world where shooting injured ponies was an everyday task. “Where am I?” I only just managed to say before feeling a cough brewing.

“You’re in Ponyville hospital, where in Celestia do you think?” He said back sharply, hurrying me to ask useful questions and give decent answers. If I could spare the breath I would blame her for my current position.

I continued with dry lips. “I’m not... I’m not from around here. I’m…” A rough cough interrupted me. “I’m from back West.”

“What’s your name?” The mare asked, her voice much softer and forgiving. She must have been the pony-person.

“Mojo.” I said quickly, not bothering with the full name until she pulled a frown. I looked like she wanted it full, probably for the records. “Mojo Blues.”

Suddenly the stallion continued, pacing around to the left side of my bed. “Alright then Mr Blues, you have sustained only light wounds com… what you co… broken… lucky…”

Fatigue had not finished with me as I crept into a deep slumber. The doctor’s line of sight was blocked by the wooden clipboard that magically floated infront of his face, so he never caught me drifting off. My eyelids gained more and more weight and my mind was shrouded and I was in a state of anguish I could only have described there and then. I tried to dream of what made me happy.

A shanty well was dug deep a few metres infront of me, the water hole surrounded by a brutal desert. I couldn’t move closer but from it rose as snake. It was an old snake and it kept on coming, impossibly judging from the depth of the stone well. I watched as the snake grew seven miles in length. Some hidden urge forced me to crawl on and ride the snake. I looked down as its moist skin soaked my coat and I realised I was a pony; a purple coloured pony.

I rode the snake onto the motorway, simply holding on and letting it roam freely. An abnormal amount of cars, hundreds and hundreds of them, zoomed by without a care. Every car I managed to catch a look inside revealed there to be nobody behind the wheel. Without contemplating it much we suddenly skidded to a halt. The snake had taken me to a bus. It was blue. A blue bus. A smooth face appeared on the front, calling me to get in.

The snake stopped and my body lowered. The snake dissipated, leaving me sitting on the warm sand, staring at the bus. I looked back at the highway for a second. An old Shelby Mustang drove by, but this time somebody was behind the wheel. A bearded man cruised by, our eyes meeting for a split second sending shivers down my spine. I thought I recognised him...

When I turned my head back to the bus I noticed it had moved closer and sand had built up against its dragged wheels. In a blink it changed its position, turning sideways so the door faced me. I took the chance to enter and stumbled inside; following a high pitched sound that emanated from the back. It was a voice, a hyper voice at that, and I quite liked it. I stepped into the dark shadow covering the back of the bus and lost myself.

One last time that same voice rang in my ears.

“What the hell...” I moaned as my eyes creeped open and I woke. Saliva slid down onto my covers from my dribbling. I wiped away the wet and felt the sunlight hit me, blinding me momentarily. It was midday and the sun was high, though the windows were tall allowing most of the light to invade. When I properly came too I saw that where usually there would be nothing more than an empty space filled with beeping machines and wires a pink pony stood with glee watching over me.

“Who’re you then?” I mumbled with a half-arsed smile, added to be polite.

The mare gasped at me for no reason whatsoever. I reasoned that it was because I didn’t know her name. Thing was, I couldn’t really see properly so I wouldn’t know if I recognised her. Then again, who would I know in this town? “Are you from around here?” She asked with, from what I could make out, a worried look.

“Calm down.” I said, trying to lift my hoofs. One was still attached and risen up while the other just hurt to move. “Ow...” I winced for a quite a long time, leaving the pony worried.

“Are you okay?!” She said quickly, leaning forward to inspect what hurt. I was surprised at her sudden concern.

“Yeah, yeah.” I still had my eyes closed but after another second I peeled them open, finally able to see clearly. “Ah, hello. I’ve actually just got into town.”

Like a bell in a boxing ring my answer sparked another round of happiness upon her face as she returned to her large grin. Placing a hoof on her chest she introduced herself.

“My names Pinkie Pie and I work at Sugarcube Corner! I also throw some of the best parties in town! Or so my friends say, but I hope that’s true. What about you?”

“One second, Pinkie Pie. How come you’re watching over me if you have no idea who I am?”

I contemplated over it briefly, but surely you would only visit the hospital to see a friend or relative? Yet I have some crazy party pony coming to see me, who turns out is also one of the Elements of Harmony!

She edged a little closer, so now she was beside me rather than infront. “Because I know how boring it can be staying in the hospital. Trust me, my friend Rainbow Dash was stuck in here for days and she was nearly climbing the walls!” Ah, another wielder of the Elements. I’ve got in with the right crowd, then.

Somehow Pinkie Pie re-enacted what Rainbow Dash could have done and climbed halfway up the rouge wall. I was going to ask how but seeing how this is a land of talking ponies, who cares!

“Well then, thank you.” I said sincerely, quite touched that she went out of her way. “My names Mojo Blues.”

And after that she was practically on top of me. “Blues? Oh do you play in a blues band? Or are you always down? Or is your favourite colour blue? Or do you ha-” While actually mustering up a good reason to explain why my name was indeed ‘Mojo Blues’ I faked a moan of pain to shut her up for a second. “Are you alright?” She inquired after immediately stopping.

“My name is Mojo Blues because...” I felt the easier route was the best one to take “Because I can play the blues. The err... Keyboard? And a bit of guitar. You have them... right?”

“Of course.” She said, adding a “Duh.” As if I was stupid to ask.

“Alright.” I answered back, defending my lack of knowledge of Equestria and its habits. “I recently found out I could sing, too.” Not that Spike was the greatest back up to that claim, he was a dragon –and a baby one at that- and I couldn’t be sure they had the ear for talent like Simon Cowell did. At least Spike wouldn’t put through the same rubbish time after time. “The ‘Mojo’ bit is because I was named after a very special poet: Mr Mojo Risin he was called.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard of him.” She tapped her chin with her hoof.

“I’m not surprised.” All these glorious lies. Remember kids, if you enter a magical land with no backstory, always lie! It’ll never come back to haunt you! “I come from way west. Beyond the Everfree forest.” I explained to Pinkie what I had too Spike about my ‘house’ and how I came here. I then told her about the troll mishap, which she already knew a great deal about.

“Yeah I was there! It charged at you like raaawwwggggg...” Pinkie mimicked the roaring beast “And swung his tree like,” once again she performed the moves of a troll, “then you saved the day by kicking its leg!”

“Hang on, how did I save the day? I led a raging monster into town and nearly got a baby dragon killed.” Pinkie giggled at this but I kept a straight face.

“Don’t be silly! You saved Spike and then helped defeat the monster!” Pinkie was serious. Ponyville might have generally believed that I saved them. I can’t say I wasn’t the attention whore type. I enjoyed it to a point, but after that I couldn’t be doing the all the praise if they were to thank me. A simple thank you would suffice. Anything more would be a nuisance.

“Alright.” I smiled, barley agreeing. “How is Spike anyway?”

“Oh he’s fine. Just a bit rustled up.” Pinkie’s whole body shivered.

“Good.” I narrowed my eyes as I couldn’t work out how long I had been in the hospital. Loads of wires and things were attached to me. “How long have I been here?” I hoped she knew.

“Well...” Her eyes pointed up as she thought. “The troll was about...” the pink mare counted with her hooves, “five days ago.”

“What!?” My ears shot up, at least they didn’t hurt. “Five days!” And I had only been awake twice in that time. “Jesus... Could you get a doctor in please?”

“My name’s Pinkie...”

“What? Oh, ha. A doctor, please?”

She trotted out of the room with a smile, even though she still wasn’t sure why she thought I called her the wrong name. Not soon after she returned with the same doctor I had met prior.

“Ah, good afternoon Mr Blues.” He said on entering the room. “I see you’re comfortable.” No doubt he was referencing my earlier attempt at escape. I was no Michael Scofield, I’ll give him that.

“Sorry about that earlier... moment, doc. I panicked is all.”

“Yes I’m sure.” He didn’t sound sure though, but he was kind of monotone so I ignored the lack of trust. “You actually also fell asleep while I was explaining your injuries. You could say it’s a good thing, because now you’ve recovered much better. You’re fractured leg is nearly healed thanks to quick thinking by our experts and the wounds on your chest and back leg have almost disappeared, but they will still hurt if you don’t get some rest when we release you, which will be…” The doctor scanned his clipboard, then the machines, then his clipboard again, and announced with both surprise and a hint of joy, “In the next hour!”

“Yay!” Pinkie shouted for me, as I hardly shared the same excitement. I wasn’t sure what was better; staying in the hospital or being thrown out on the streets with no money or food?

“Good” I muttered quietly.

The doctor felt his use was up, so he exited the room saying, but not before calling back. “We’ll inform you when you can go.”

“Well I guess you’re all set Mojo, maybe I’ll see you later!” Pinkie said, following the doctor out with a skip.

“Wait!” I shouted after her, afraid of being left completely alone when I get out. “Maybe you could stay? I wouldn’t mind a friend alongside me when I leave.” I honestly wouldn’t. I don’t think I would lie to manipulate someone. I don’t think I would...

Her pink face lit up and she cheered with joy, jumping up and then somehow gliding back into the room. Once she landed from her impossible fear she ran back to my side, placed her hooves up on the bed and leaned in until our muzzles met. “You mean it? We’re friends?!”

“Yes” I answered with a nod to force her to push herself back. I glad to be this kind hearted mare’s friend though, don’t get me wrong.

“Yes! Yes! Yes!” She cried as I laughed heartily.

Much like I did with Spike Pinkie stayed at my side and we shared many stories, most of them originating from Pinkie Pie. She shared some tales that Celestia had, though her versions went into much greater detail. Although eventually, much like with Spike, she too asked me to sing. It looked as if this was going to be my signature introduction.

“Go on! Sing!” She begged, bending her legs up and down in excitement. For what seemed like ten minutes I said “No!” firmly; however her persistent badgering soon managed to sway me.

“Alright.” I said, giving in with a long breath.

As we had talked for the majority of the past hour I noticed many Pegasi drifted by the large window in my room every now and again. They looked to be large in population, making me wish I had been turned into a Pegasus, or still be a human so I could ride one! As I laid there, wondering what song I could plagiarise by The Doors and turn the lyrics into pony-versions, I reckoned that the suns light shone through the window like a car headlight during dark nights back home.

I grinned to myself. “Pegasi Hiss By My Window.” I mumbled quietly to see how it sounded when spoken.

“What’s it called?” Pinkie asked ecstatically after barely hearing what I said.

“Pegasi Fly By My Window.” I repeated a little louder, much to the interest of a now silent Pinkie Pie.

I thought up the imaginary beat to help me along, barely able to contain myself from bobbing my head to it. The song had a slow, bluesy beat, which relaxed you.

“The Pegasi fly by my window, like the waves down on the beach.
The Pegasi fly by my window, like the waves down on the beach.
I got this mare beside me, but she's... out of reach.
Sunight through my window, shinin' on the wall.
Sunlight through my window, shinin' on the wall.
Can't hear my foal, though I called and called.”

Pinkie looked to be enjoying the song, her head too swaying to the non-existent beat.

“Windows started tremblin', with a sonic boom.
Windows started tremblin', with a sonic boom, boom.
A cold mare'll get you, in a darkened room.”

I decided to end the song there, feeling that the guitar sounding noises the singer makes to finish the song would be a bit too tedious to perform while lying in a hospital room.

“That was awesome!” She said jumping up, seemingly satisfied and cooled by the song. “So you’ve heard of my friends Sonic Rainboom?”

“Your friend’s what?” Then it hit me. “Oh of course.” A lyric was ‘sonic boom, wasn’t it? That Rainbow Dash had apparently performed whatever one of those was. “Yeah, the Pri- uh…” Better not reveal I have a sweet ass relationship with the Princess. “Spike told me about it.”

“I sing too!”

“Go one then.” I hoped she didn’t just come up with a load of rubbish about ghosts or peace; there’s been enough about that these days.

“My name is Pinkie Pie~” Just as she started singing a couple of nurses interrupted, popping their head’s around the door.

“Shhh! Not in here!” They barked, before one entered the room. “You’re free to go, Mr Blues.” She told me. I was wondering if she also meant I was free from Pinkie, judging by the look she gave the pink mare. It hadn’t been an hour yet, so maybe they were just trying to stop Pinkie from singing. I dunno.

Pinkie didn’t continue with her tune. Instead she walked me out of the hospital. It was a much brighter place than the ones on Earth, everyone was kinder and in better moods. Though one thing was similar; the old ‘hospital smell’.

I thanked every familiar staff face as I left, which really was only two ponies in particular, both of whom were rushing about so I couldn’t tell if they acknowledged my thanks. As we neared the entrance to the hospital I noticed the low amount of ponies waiting at the reception. Either accident rates were at an all time low or the health care was supreme in Equestria.

So take note, America. Even ponies have free health care!

Pinkie Pie pushed open the front doors and blazing sunlight covered my body, the heat soaking into my coat. Birds fluttered alongside Pegasi in the beautiful, crystal sky, where not a single cloud burdened the blue. Scattered down every street were market stalls that bore well-dressed sales-ponies trying to sell on their goods, or what looked like common farmers advertising their crop. Each path lead to the main square which you could probably see from any street since they were so straight. Plus a huge building which I recognised to be the Town Hall stood in the city centre.

It was a haven. Ponyville was like a dream come true, only with ponies. Pinkie put her arm around my shoulder, waved the other across the town until it reached the square and said:

“Welcome to Ponyville!”