Ian: The Crawling Kingsnake of Equestria

A bubbling mix of fear and rage grew inside me. I stupidly decided to take my anger out on a nearby tree. First I punched it, sending a sharp pain through my front leg. But doing more damage to myself that the tree wasn't enough, so I span round and kicked it with both my hind legs. The tree shook in a frenzy, the crisp black leaves dropping like flies. It turned out to be quite the foolish idea as a dozen bat creatures emerged from the branches and fluttered about in chaos.

They screeched and darted like bullets towards me, their yellow fangs sharp and ready for the taste of pony blood. I got out of there fast, galloping through the dank forest and trying to find some form of exit, but all I found was more swamps and black, lifeless trees. At that moment I regretted not asking to be a Pegasus or Unicorn. At that moment I realised I never actually got a say in the matter.

I ran for what felt like hours, the time dragged out by the repetitive but hostile nature of the forest. By the time I had gone all Indiana Jones on the forest’s arse I had dodged a few pits of quicksand and ducked beneath one or two razor sharp branches that could easily take off a ponies head. With a quick glance back I was enthused to know the bats no longer cared to pursue my trail, a massive relief. Nevertheless, my surroundings were not something to be taken lightly; Everfree forest seemed to go on and on and on without an end.

I wasn't sad, I was mad.

This whole shebang must be another of Celestia's jokes. My life was at risk while she sat on her high horse… all big and mighty, laughing her fat arse off at my misfortune. Why the hell was this place called ‘Everfree’, anyway? Goddamn, whoever took care of this place must be dozing off to one hell of an extent to let it get so out of control.

Eventually, after trekking through the twisted twin of Mirkwood my ears picked up a young, high pitched voice that could had been that of a child's. Upon inspection, which was literally me pushing apart a thorn bush that blocked my view, leading to a nasty little cut on my left front leg, I found it belonged to a light purple reptile of sorts, with green blunt spikes decorating his scaled back.

He was very short, half the size of me at least, and to my surprise he walked on two legs. He carried very little with him, only a wooden pole with a red sack dotted with white spots ties onto the end. It was like something out of a cartoon, when one of the characters had had enough and for some stupid reason decided to run away. I didn't reveal my presence to him immediately; rather I just followed him for a while.

I was growing more and more nervous by the minute as I followed him. Chances were, if he was running away, we were going deeper into the forest. On the other hand what was he? Could he be dangerous? I mean, sure he was small, but reptiles generally are and that doesn’t mean they aren’t deadly. Just watch an episode of ‘Deadly 60’ and you’ll know.

Eventually he stopped in his tracks, presumably looking for the right path to take. I took it as my chance. "Hey, mate!" I shouted after him, as if I had spotted him from a distance. The poor guy flinched and froze still, but as soon as he caught a sight of me he calmed down.

"Who are you?” He said in bewilderment, no doubt not expecting to see anything familiar in this forest. “And why are you all the way out here by yourself? Are you from Ponyville?" The small purple lizard asked in rapid bursts. I could ask the exact same thing, especially since I actually looked like I could handle myself. An image of Spyro the Dragon crossed my mind as he spoke. They did look similar.

I thought at this point I should reveal as little as possible. I wasn’t sure if he was trustworthy, though I reckoned he would have attacked me by now if he meant too."Name's Mojo Blues.” I said with a friendly smile, holding out a hoof. Seemingly he wasn’t satisfied. “I’m a Traveller.” I said with my eyebrows raised, and took the role of Christopher Columbus greeting the Native Americans.

Only my findings wouldn’t lead to genocide. Off topic stuff, besides it was the Vikings that discovered America. Good old Norse.

“I just arrived in this forsaken forest from afar.” I said rather grandly, as if I was on my way to Mordor. I was tempted to say I came from The Shire. “I was wondering if you know where Ponyville is." The little guy sighed. He must have known, and not wanted anything to do with it. “Also,” I added out of courtesy, “if you could tell me who you are?”

He turned away from me, his purple head dropping and his little feet scratching the moist forest floor. “Listen man I just got outta Ponyville, and I don't wanna go back right now.”

I started moving closer so I could hear him better, though as I did so he backed away.

I shook my head. “I’m not gonna hurt you.” I reassured, stopping in my tracks. He may have the appearance of a kid but from what I gathered he was a fairly independent chap. “Where are you off to?” This forest was definitely a poor getaway haven.

“An old castle.” In this place? I scanned the forest for any signs of a castle, even a bit of stone, but all I found was sick vines and crumpled dreams. “It shouldn’t be too far ahead, although I’m not exactly sure which path to take.” Now this one did not sound too confident.

“Alrighty then.” I said, unconvinced anypony with enough power would call this place home. “What’s your name then, and what are you?” I asked again.

“I’m a dragon, and Spike’s my name.” I disagreed. Dragons are meant to be big, fierce, fire breathing monsters that collected gems and defeated sheep on stilts. I tutted. “What?” He said with a frown. In truth I was hoping for a better name for a dragon. Something grandiose.

"A dragon?" I said flatly, not believing him on bit. He nodded, and to that I shook my head. “O’ Spike the unassessably wealthy? How many towns have you burned?” I asked sarcastically, taking a few steps back and pretending to fear the mighty dragon.

"Dude, I'm a baby dragon." Well then, that makes more sense. And perhaps I shouldn’t have made so much fun of him.

"Fair enough.” I said, unable to conjure up an argument of my own. You never saw baby dragons in the movies. “So, what’re you going to do in this old castle?”

Spike went on to tell me about a recent event that had him sucked into a comic book. As much as I thought it all to be an absolute load of rubbish, he sounded confident that it was all true. The barebones of his story was that he felt left out, and wanted to get some alone time in the castle to read up and another of these ‘enchanted comics’ that are available to anyone.

But after what he had said about his comic incident, him saving the day from some evil pun-spewing nutter, I couldn’t see why he felt the need to bugger off into a dark and dangerous wood. The best thing that came from his story was that I found out he came from Ponyville, so I decided it was time for my persuasive charm to turn him around and show me the way back.

"You got any friends back at Ponyville, then?" I said with interest, though knowing the question was sure to hit a soft spot. I knew he had at least six, that or his story was complete rubbish.

"Well, duh.” He said like I was born yesterday, so apparently he was telling the truth as far as I could tell. “Some of the best friends anyone could hope for!" He barked in defence.

"If you’ve just scuttled off into this forest without a word of warning to your friends, imagine what they’re feeling right now.” Ooh, this must have what it was like to be a father. Not that being one was on my agenda, though I could be positive none of my kids would be running off into some forest full of massive bloody bats!

Spike's eyes fell to the muddy floor. "Yeah, but... It’s not like I can’t take care of myself!" I begged to differ, though I kept quiet about that. I shrugged and walked away, taking the path that turned left. “Where are you going?” He called after me.

“We can go left or right!” I shouted back. “And since the West is the best, I’m going left!” Solid argument there I thought. It was solid enough for Spike anyway, who jogged over too keep up with me. I didn’t blame him, even when following a path it seemed easy to lose track of your way.

After a while longer of trying to find this castle I gave up. There was no way we were going to find it in this mess. Every direction was blocked by some poison berry filled bush or spider web thick enough for me to start believing we’d entered Shelob’s back garden.

“This isn’t working.” I groaned in frustration, stepping around wildly in search for some indication where to go. I spied a cave not too far away, and in a last ditch attempt to preserve my sanity I pointed towards it. “Come on, there’s a cave over there and I’m not wandering around aimlessly anymore.” Before Spike could respond I was away, galloping to the cave and entering its shadow.

The cave’s entrance was huge, large enough to fit Spike into whenever he actually grew into a proper dragon. I didn't delve too deeply while I explored the beginning of the cave. If blood sucking bats swung from trees outside, God knows what horrors might have lurked within a place like that.

Not soon after Spike joined my, though he held his tail to his chest. As he came over his eyes darted to every crevice and corner of the cavern until the darkness revealed no more. “What’s wrong?”

“N..nothing.” He stuttered, unconvincingly. “Caves just bring back memories.” I wondered what kind. Not very happy ones telling from the way he shivered and shook.

I sat myself down against the wall and picked up a few stones. I rolled each one as far as I could while we talked. “We are lost, aren’t we?” I frowned when Spike didn’t answer. “What are we going to do? Oh I know!” He jumped when I raised my voice, and rightly so. He got me into the mess. “Let’s turn back and return to Ponyville!”

Spike sighed and rolled his eyes, joining me against the wall. “I don’t know...” The cave was surprisingly dry, but a rancid smell emanated from deep within. I did not want to know. “What is that?” He said placing his hand against his nose, changing the subject.

“Probably Gollum...” I muttered, trying to adjust my eyes to the darkness.

Spike barely heard what I said, an innocent “What?” sounding from him as I continued to stare.

For a while I ignored the smell and focused on getting somewhere safe. “Please can you take me to Ponyville, Spike.” I pleaded, stretching my arms more in boredom than anything. “You’re going to be in some deep shite if you don’t get back soon. Plus, I bet they need you like you need them, so don’t go about moaning about being useless.”

“What do you know about friends?” He asked rather cruelly.

“A pony once said friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself.” I lectured, even if it was Jim Morrison who said that. But then again, who was Jim Morrison in Equestria?

"Yeah, I suppose you’re right, dude.” Spike twiddled with his sharp claws for a few seconds, then announced “We better get back."

A crack of lightning whipped the ground outside, followed by a downpour of black rain.

I gulped. "Fantastic... Let’s stay a while longer."

The rain fell and fell and fell, crashing down onto the forest relentlessly, never seeming to calm down. Puddles of thick mud formed around the cave, so foul I don’t event think pigs would enjoy them. We shared stories to kill the time. I learned that Spike’s six friends were actually these ‘Elements of Harmony’ the princess was talking about, and he was the assistant of a powerful Alicorn called Twilight Sparkle.

"Wait a second," I said, picking up on yet another Alicorn in this land, "There’s another Princess other than Luna and Celestia?" Apparently she was recently coranated, and bid the task of finding six keys to open some magic box. Again, I thought he was talking rubbish even if we were in a land of magic talking horses and ponies. And dragons for that matter.

"We’ll see your Princess again sometime soon." I said to reassure him, nudging him on the shoulder.

"What about you?" He said shifting his weight onto my shoulders to relax a bit, spreading his legs outwards. “What’s your story?”

"Well, apart from being a portable sofa, I'm what you call a Shaman.” This sparked some interest in his eyes, and I couldn’t wait to completely lie. “Back in my land we had this psychological thing that went around, called ‘Shaman Blues’.”

“And what’s that?” Damn. What was that indeed? I cycled through the lyrics, spending a little time singing them in my head. This probably made it seem more severe to Spike, as it looked like I was recollecting sad memoires.

“A love sickness.” I lied, remembering the song to be much more of a love song than anything. Something i hadn’t actually caught onto until that moment. I really needed to pay more attention to that album; it had some class songs on it. “Sort of like depression, but caused from one true love.”

“Wow, sounds serious.” Spike bought it wonderfully, enough so that I help back a giddy smile.

“Yep. As for my family; I was born into the Hyacinth House. We live way, way West of here, over seas and deserts. One day I decided it was time to leave, give the position of Shaman to another pony. I took the Crystal Ship to get this graceful nation. You know the best part of that ship?” He shook his head. “A thousand mares accompanied us on it.” I winked and he giggled. "After that it was a day's trip on the Spanish Caravan to get to the edge of this blasted forest."

"Why'd you come here?" This young dragon was seriously interested in my life. I was flattered. Not that we had much else to chat about.

"Wanderlust. You could call me a poet, or more likely a lyricist. Back home it was boring, none of that was permitted often enough, only on stupid special occasions which were too few and far between. One day I was about to head out to buy some bread, and then it hit me; “It’s time for an adventure.” Something new, y’know? So, with my skill of playing the keyboard and a smidgeon of skill strumming an electric guitar, I set out to see new sights, meet new ponies and drink new ales. I’m a tit for drinking.” I added one last wink before taking a breath.

Spike snickered once more. He seemed to be taking a liking to me. I was glad that I’d made a friend in such a short amount of time. Then out of the blue he asked an unexpected question: "Can you sing?"

Celestia had said she would give me a new voice, but she never told me if there were any perks along with it. "I'm not sure.” I answered truthfully. “I know a hell of a lot of songs, but I haven't tried singing them with this new voice."

Spike eyed me suspiciously. "New voice?"

Ooh, rookie mistake. I cleared my throat. "It's something we say back home." Spike bought it and I relaxed. "Let's see if I can."

The first song that came to mind with all this rain and strange places was called 'People Are Strange', so I had a go.

"Ponies are strange, when you're a stranger,
Faces look ugly when you're alone,
Fillies seem wicked, when you're unwanted,
Streets look uneven when you're down.

When you're strange, faces come out of the rain,
When you're strange,
No one remembers your name,
When you're strange, when you're strange, when you're straaaaange,"

Spike looked at me with what I hoped was awe, as I impressed my voice with this voice. I loved it! "That was pretty good. What's it called?"

"Ponies Are Strange." Hey, if you change the lyrics, change the song name.

"You write it?"

Now what could I say to this? I didn't write it, no, but neither did anybody else in this world. I'm the only one who knows the lyrics and songs too. Thing was, if I was already posing as a fraud I may as well take it another step further."Yeah. Thought of it in a weird town on a day like this." I pointed to the downpour outside.

"It’s good. Spooky, and...”

“Strange?” I added with a wink. Oh how cheesy. Simmer down.

“Ha, yeah! I bet my friend Pinkie Pie would love to sing with you." She was the ‘party pony’ as both Spike and Celestia had described. From the rest of her personality she sounded a little too much for me.

"It's a possibility..." I honestly had my doubts about that. “Hey look!” I said with excitement, jumping up and walking to the entrance. The rain was dimming down, and a warm breeze ran through the trees. “Right then, time to get you home.” I threw the last rock in my hoof deep into the cave which was a poor idea, to say the least.

I took one step out of the cave and what felt like an earthquake shook both me and Spike off our feet. The whole cave shook. Small pieces of rock fell from new cracks in the cave roof, and a cloud of dust sprung out from deep in the cave, that same rancid smell as strong as ever.

"What in God's name is that?" I said in fear, getting set for a swift escape.

"I dunno but it doesn't sound good!" Spike yelled, darting off in a sprint. I could do nothing but stand and wait as the beast came into view, frozen still with fright.

A beast the likes I had never imagined to see up close emerged from the darkness. Its face was moist with sweat, while thin strands of withered hair sprouted from its wrinkly head. Soaked, torn rags dangled from its hip, barely dressing it. It wielded what I could only describe as a mouldy tree trunk in its hands, using it as its form of attack and defence.

My first thought was actually wondering what it was. I guessed it to be a forest troll, like the ones in Norse mythology that living in deep caves near underground springs, hibernating until disturbed. I didn't hang around; as soon as the troll swung for me I snapped out of my trance and galloped after Spike.

"Spike!" I exclaimed as I ran, having no sight of the small dragon. "Where've you gone?!"

I knew the troll was close, its shadow loomed over me as I failed to gain much distance. I dodged trees and jumped over bushes while the troll simply barged them out of the way.

To my luck a speck of purple caught my eye as I raced. I looked to identify it and thankfully it was Spike rushing through the trees and bushes, unharmed but scared out of his mind. I quickly shifted lest, dodging trolls club smashing against the ground, creating a huge crater that quickly filled with muddy water.

I soon joined Spikes side and scooped him onto my back, using my head as leverage. He wasn't a fast runner at all due to his small legs.

"That way!" he ordered, leaning forward pointing slightly to the left.

I was barely out of range of the troll as Spike rode me throughout the forest, directing me the right way and warning me when the troll was about to swing. I knew now what it was like to be a regular pony back on earth, being ridden and all, bit I'm sure they didn't have to run from trolls.

________________________________________

Spike’s claws dug into my back in fear as we began to think the forest had trapped us inside, never to escape. However as the troll gained some distance a ray of sunshine broke through the trees, and slowly the forest became thinner. I finally saw the sunlight once again, being devoid of any light at all being scarce in the last hour or so, ever since Celestia played her cruel joke. It was in very poor taste indeed.

Spike assured me we were almost there by patting me hard on the back, but we still had the problem of a troll on our tails. Even though I was an Earth pony who were said to have increased stamina, I was incredibly fatigued. It was the second time I had to run for my life that day.

"Ho… How f… far? I don’t... wanna be... squashed into... jelly!" I said, just managing to puff out the words between my gasps of air.

"Not long at all!" He said back with confidence, patting me once again.

I used up every remaining ounce of energy on that last stretch. I was caked in sweat, belonging to both me and the trolls, along with a kind amount of slobber that flew from his watering mouth, and my legs wobbled as I ran, burning in pain.

I shut my eyes in relief as the forest cleared into a large field of lush grass. When I opened them the town was bustling with activity. They must have seen the troll crushing the trees in Everfree. In the sky a cyan Pegasus yelled back to the town, and the sound of a bell ringing echoed throughout. Ponies rushed into the streets to see what disturbance we had arrived with, and many screamed when they saw the abomination pursuing us.

I took one glance back and saw the troll practically grazing my flank. He raised his tree trunk high, preparing for a blow. There was no chance I was dodging this one. 'This is it.’ I thought. For the sake of Spike I bucked him off my back as hard as I could, flinging him quite the distance through the air. As he landed on the soft grass I prepared for the trolls strike, tensing every muscle and squeezing my eye shut.

“Gahh.” Was all I could grunt. The impact sent me flying sideways, knocking all the wind out of my lungs. About a hundred feet across the field I landed with a crack, somewhat luckily on soft grass that slightly cushioned my fall. The damage was done though.

I wasn’t finished though. If someone hits me and I’m still standing, you bet I’ll come back for revenge.

I picked myself back up and spat out the blood dripping from the corner of my mouth. The beast had thought me down and out of the fight, so he continued towards the town. In a painful and fatigued limp I dragged myself towards the troll.

Some Pegasi from the town fought with the abomination, kicking it in the head and arms to try and force it back into the forest. The beast resisted their strikes for now and swung its weapon in every direction, trying to swat them out of the sky. Through doing this he lost his balance, stretching higher and higher in an effort to beat away the Pegasi.

I took the chance and snuck up behind its thick skinned legs and with all the brute force and energy I could gather I released a thundering kick behind its knee. The troll tumbled over in a roar of pain, however to my misfortune I couldn’t retreat fast enough and it landed on my leg, trapping me underneath its weighty arm.

As I squirmed and probably damaged my leg even more the troll gained a second wind. In a final struggle he brought his other hand up and raised it over me, preparing to crush me.
To my saving grace a sudden, neck breaking kick from a rainbow maned Pegasus crashed into his skull, tossing the troll straight back down into the ground, creating a crater around its broken face.

The pain in my leg was too excruciating for me to handle. I tried calling for help but nothing more than a puff of air exited my crushed body. That strange rainbow mane flew closer to me, but I couldn’t stay awake to greet her. I passed out, the song 'The End’ playing softly as my vision faded to blackness.