MLP: TCR

Chapters

Let's start it (And let's start it RIGHT NOW!)
GhostLovesPonies (GET 'EM OFF, ENGINEER)
Johnny Trotter Blue Label (Because drinkin' is what I like to do)
Don't be scared! (Because I'M A CAPITALIST, AND I DESERVE RESPECT)
MAGIC MISSILE (Lightning Bolt!)
Jesus Christ...(My heart's beatin' like a rabbit)
Fruity Texans and Nice Unicorns (YOU REMIXED ME WITH SKRILLEX?)
Wake up, wake up (It's the first of the month)
Melting Pot Of Answers (OPEN YOUR MIND)
Equestricans.wav (YOU'RE PISSIN' ME OFF)
Buck you, Texan (Again with that stupid song)
I'm Herder Poe Knees (That's a slanderous lie)
It's MY Victory (IT BELONGS TO ME)
True Capitalist To The Soul (till the bullet hole)
Thank you very much for tuning in, everybody (I'M OUTTA HERE)
After-Show (Aagayah gah aah AARGH)
It's my first day back! (Look at how these assholes are treatin' me)
I'M A CAPITALIST BRONY! (MYYY LITTLE PONY)
I'm fruitin' up (It's what I do!)
My Little Ghosty (Are you kiddin' me?)
Boss Ghostler (he's so bad)
That's it (Period!)
Get me out, Engineer (I DON'T CARE HOW MANY PONIES ARE IN HERE)

Let's start it (And let's start it RIGHT NOW!)

I'm making fun of Ghost. If this doesn't get me shitlisted nothing will.
True Capitalist Radio belongs to Ghost. Blogtalk Radio belongs to whoever it belongs to. MLP belongs to Hasbro.
All Twitter names and most calls actually happened.
But now, he'll take it from here. The prognosticator of prognosticators; the man they call...
GHOST.

It was a bright, sunny day on Sixth Street. Not that Ghost would care.
He was huddled in his office, over his desk, with a few Johnny Walker Blue Label beer cans lying in a small pile on the floor.
"I think what I'm gonna do now," Ghost groaned, "is I'm gonna give some Twitter shoutouts." Ghost casually pushed his chair back with his feet, gently knocking a can in the progress.
At that, he began to read off Twitter names. "We got SnakeKings in the house, what's going on, man? StoneColdGhost, what's up, man? Uh, who else have we got going on here? RyanTS45, what's going on, man?"
Ghost was surprised that no trolls had popped up yet, and cracked a smile. "We'reNiceGuys, what..." Ghost let out a short laugh. "What's up, you stupid sack of crap, trying to make fun of me, man? I know what you're doing. I know what you're doing for Christ's sake you milky-lickers." Ghost was, by this point, deadly serious, his happy streak wiped.
"Anyway, let's see who else we got going on over here. Uh, we've got BradyHender. He's calling me a racist. Well, you know, you look like a fruity bastard from where I'm sitting."
"We got PocoHamster. Uh, we've got, uh, that's about it, that's about it for right now. Anyway, I think it's time for everyone's favourite part of the broadcast, and I'm talking about RADIO GRAFFITI!" Ghost's grin had returned. "281, Radio Graffiti."
No answer.
"Alright, 401, Radio Graffiti!"
"...Fat fuckin' pig."
"Your mother. Your mother's a fat slob. 520, Radio Graffiti."
"When you suck a nigga's dick, does it taste like a watermelon?" Asked another voice.
"Oh, man, are you kidding me with that, because I think it's time to play GUESS THE MINORITY!" Instantly the theme tune from 'The Price Is Right' flared up, and Ghost started laughing for a good 20 seconds before shutting it off. "Are you there?"
"Yeah."
"What's your favourite food?" Ghost asked.
"I really like...watermelon," 520 replied.
"Are you black?"
"Yeah."
"Yeah, you're black? I knew it. YES! YES! I KNEW IT! I LOVE THIS GAME! I FREAKIN' LOVE THIS GAME! I'M GREAT AT IT! Hey, and don't call me racist, asshole, alright? Call me racist if I was wrong, but let me tell you, every time I do this show, and every time I play this game, I'm always right. I FRICKIN' LOVE THIS GAME!" Ghost burst into laughter. "901, Radio Graffiti."
No answer.
"Why call if you're not going to say anything?" Ghost shouted. "Where are all my regular trolls for that matter? Where's PoopTickler? Where's GhettoCapitalist? Where's NavyHuskie when you need him? Are they on the list, there, Engineer?"
Ghost scooted back a bit before spouting out some "Engineerish".
"Well, the Engineer thinks there isn't a single troll in here, I'm taking his word for it, so I'm going to take some more calls here. 224, Radio Graffiti."
"Fuck you Texas, and fuck your Lonestar beer..." A song was being played on the other end.
"Goddammit with this sorry sack of crap song, for Christ's sake. 703, Radio Graffiti!"
There was a troll on the other end, one with a soundboard and a very shoddy phone, as the message coming through was very crackly. "My ass bleeds. My ass bleeds. My-"
Suddenly Ghost heard a sound not unlike a pebble dropped upon a tin roof. "What the crap?" Ghost shouted. He opened the his blind, quickly adjusting his eyes to the bright light outside. The next thing he saw was a can hitting into the window. Instantly, Ghost recognised it as Johnny Walker Blue Label. He had completely forgotten that 703 was still playing the 2 second clip.
"What are you doing, throwing beer cans at my office?" Ghost bellowed, throwing the window open. The next can hit him on the forehead. Ghost looked down angrily, microphone still in hand, to see a small crowd had formed next to the building, all facing him.
Ghost couldn't put a name to most of the faces; there were several teenagers each of which was either shouting or thinking of derogatory statements to say to Ghost, an eight-year-old Mexican with a Justin Bieber haircut, a clown with a horn in his hand, a teenager in a bowler hat carrying a sign saying "Down With Goofy Bone", a man in a bathtub, somebody wearing drag (Ghost couldn't tell if it was a man or a woman), a Russian and a man playing a piano.
"What the...ASHO!? What are you doing here, you stupid bean-and-cheese Mexican?"
"Ghost, we just came to wish you a happy birthday!" Asho shouted back.
"Goddammit, it's not my birthday, Ashole! And who the hell are these people, your retarded friends?" Ghost scowled.
"No, they're YOUR retarded friends!" Asho laughed. "Over there is Tubguy and Trisha, Xarahox is behind me, there's Horny the Clown, Nikolai and Tzeki up there, and of course some troll terrorists behind Tzeki, thinking up new splices to troll you with!"
"Could this day get any worse?" Ghost's knuckles were turning white.
"Probably, we also have GhettoCapitalist and the Suck My Dick Guy on the phone as well!" At that, Asho held up two phones, one blaring "SUCK MAH DICK! SUCK MAH DICK!", the other speaking casually with a toddler screaming in the background. A vein had begun pulsing in Ghost's forehead.
"Ready, guys? 1, 2, 3, go!" Xarahox shouted.
Xarahox played his piano, Horny just honked away, one of the phones just shouted "SUCK MAH DICK!", 703 kept saying "My ass bleeds", and the rest just sang...
"Happy birthday to you
You shapeshifting Jew
Your granny's a hambone
And you look like one too!"
At this, Ghost lost it.
"GODDAMMIT ENGINEER GET THEM OUT OF HERE GET THEM OUT OF HERE GET THEM AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
The capitalist can-smasher then channelled his energy into his right hand, where he threw the microphone so hard across the studio that a small rift was opened up by the force. Ghost was sucked inside, along with the small pile of cans, the microphone itself and the whole studio. Everyone outside remained outside, though noticeably more shocked, having just seen one angry capitalist, 3 empty beer cans, one fully-functioning microphone and a radio room disappear into thin air.
All the trolls were quiet, even SMD Guy.
Except for one.
"Oh, my!"

GhostLovesPonies (GET 'EM OFF, ENGINEER)

When Ghost came to, he was still in his office, though on a face-to-face level with his can pile. Lazily he brushed it to the side and stood up.
"The mike must've hit me on the head and I passed out. That's probably what happened," Ghost groggily reasoned. He could hear birds singing and smell freshly-baked bread. He could also hear 703 playing the "My ass bleeds" clip, though, oddly, it was a lot clearer than before. Maybe the fruitbowl had bought himself a better phone.
Then Ghost remembered why he was so angry in the first place. Asho had RUINED Baller Friday, and probably most of Ghost's life.
The capitalist leaned out of the window and screamed "ASHOLE! WHERE ARE YOU, BOY?" Ghost found himself closer to the floor then he was the last time he was conscious, however long that was ago.
He lifted his head up, and saw a purple unicorn, standing there.
"Are you alright, sir?" it asked. It was definitely a female, but worst of all it seemed to be speaking perfect English.
Ghost reeled back in horror.
"Oh, great. Very funny, Ashole, getting Tara Strong in on the joke as well."
"Who's Tara Strong, and who's Ashole?" the unicorn asked, puzzled.
"Look, I can take off your costume RIGHT NOW!" Ghost leaned out of the window, grabbed the unicorn's neck and pulled on it. She was clearly being hurt by this.
With a flash of her horn, Ghost found himself floating. He was paralysed. The unicorn then threw Ghost back into the building, against the opposite wall.
"You...you mean you're an a actual pony?" Ghost stammered. He rushed to the window again, with his hands behind his back so she couldn't try anything again.
"Unicorn, technically," Twilight replied.
Ghost could see any brony's paradise, which, for him, was more of a living hell. Brightly-coloured ponies were dotted all around the area, some hauling carts, most of them with saddlebags. Others were chatting, and one was doing tricks. Most of them were outside equally-colourful houses.
Ghost fainted.

***

When Ghost came to, AGAIN, he was still in his office, this time with the purple unicorn looking over him through the window, as well as several other concerned, pastel-coloured ponies.
"I'M IN FREAKIN' PONYVILLE, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!" Ghost got up with a snarl. "Oh, God, I have got to get home." Ghost noticed that either 703 had stopped trolling, or the power went out.
"Maybe I can help. My name is Twilight Sparkle, and-"
"No, no, no, no, no. NO. I don't want help from a freakin' pony." Ghost yelled.
"Fine. Be like that. If you need my help, you can find me in the big tree up the street. Goodbye," retorted Twilight.
At that, she carried on down the street, leaving Ghost to lock his window.
"How much time do I have left on the broadcast?" he pondered.
"My ass bleeds. My ass bl-"
"GET 'EM OFF, ENGINEER!" Ghost shouted, before disconnecting him. "305, help me out here! I'm stuck in Ponyville!"
"Ghost from True Capitalist Radio is a brony! It's-" Another splice!
"Ugh, that does it. Engineer, grab me a beer." Then, it struck Ghost like a can to the forehead.
If he was in Equestria, that would mean that there's no BEER!
"Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm gonna have to go out there. I'm out of here-GET ME OUTTA HERE, ENGINEER!" Ghost played his outro, opened the door and locked it before giving a heavy sigh.
An orange pony with a brown Stetson, pulling a cart full of apples caught Ghost's eye. He reluctantly chose to talk to her.
"Uh, hi. You-" Ghost started.
"Well, I'll be an apple crisp!" she shouted. "What in blazes are you?" Applejack felt intimidated, but not enough to panic or run away. It was her nature to make good first impressions on people, and Ghost was no exception.
"Well, that's kind of rude. You look kinda fruity, too."
"I should look fruity, me and mah family have been working in the fruit business for years! Name's Applejack. And yours?"
Ghost stuck his hand out, with a grumpy expression on his face. "I am your host, the man they call Ghost."
"Pleased ta meet ya, Ghost!" Applejack happily shook his hand. "Uh, ya still didn't tell me what ya are. Mind doin' that?"
"I'M A CAPITALIST!" Ghost shouted. "And a damn thirsty one, too. You don't happen to have any beer here, do you?"
"Beer?" Applejack gave Ghost a quizzical look. He let out a huge sigh as a response.
"Never mind. What do you drink here?"
"Ah'm glad ya asked, Ghost; ya see, I am the top cider-making mare in all of Ponyville! Follow me back to the farm and I'll take ya on a tour!"
Ghost rolled his eyes. "Fine, if it means getting something to drink."

Johnny Trotter Blue Label (Because drinkin' is what I like to do)

"Welcome to Sweet Apple Acres!" Applejack announced. Ghost did not think anything of it. To him it just looked like several huge fields, with several lines of trees. She pointed to a tree with her hoof.
"This is where we buck the apples. Us-"
"Wait, you what the apples?" Ghost stifled a laugh.
"We buck 'em."
"You what them?"
"Buck."
Ghost howled with laughter.
"What's so funny?" Applejack asked, somewhat annoyed.
"Oh God. Nothing, don't worry. You were saying?"
"Yeah, this is where we KNOCK THE APPLES OFF THE TREES." Applejack scowled at Ghost. "Usually I knock 'em down and mah sister Apple Bloom catches 'em. Then, we give 'em to Granny Smith, wh-"
"Wait, wait, 'Granny Smith'?"
"What now?"
"Never mind, it's just...never mind. Go on." Ghost said, holding his hands over his mouth to stop any laughter.
"She does the quality control, ya know, seeing which apples are good and which aren't. She puts the good 'uns into this tube here, and they roll down to this thing." Applejack now pointed at a big grindstone. "Once down there, Big Macintosh-"
"BAHAHAHAHA!" Ghost fell over.
"What is up with you?"
"Nothing, really, I'm fine...'Big Macintosh', pff..." Applejack was the one to sigh this time.
"Yeah, he presses them and that comes out through this tap, to make cider."
"Wait, that can't make cider. Where's the alcohol?"
"Al-co-what?" Applejack scratched her head.
"How can you have cider without alcohol? That'd just be apple juice."
"Well, funnily enough, we make apple juice the same way."
"Well how can you tell which is which?" Ghost asked.
"Easy! If it's clear and yella, you got juice there, fella! If it's tangy and brown, you're in cider town!"
Ghost put a hand to his forehead, and slumped back against a tree.
"Are ya okay, there, sugarcube?" Ghost mumbled something. "What was that?"
"I hate ponies."
"Why do ya hate ponies so much?"
"Because of the freakin' bronies. They always fruit up my broadcast."
"Beg pardon, but what in the world is a 'brony'?" Ghost just sat there, not knowing what to say, or the theological implications on Equestria if he told anypony.
"Um. I'd rather not go into it. It could probably ruin the life of you and everyone you know," Ghost said. "We're goin' off topic, anyway, can I get some cider?"
"Nope, it ain't cider season yet."
"What? You mean I can't get a drink because it's not the right time of the year?" Ghost was becoming suspicious.
"I can get ya some apple juice if ya want. We make that all year round."
Ghost stared ahead for a while, then turned to Applejack.
"Sure."

***

Ghost and AJ were in the Apple Family barn. Surprisingly, it didn't smell like 'horse shit'. Applejack went deeper into the barn, and arrived a minute later with two cartons of apple juice with straws. AJ put both on the ground, but Ghost picked his up and started drinking. The carton was only small, so Ghost only drank a small portion. The taste surprised him, never had he tasted apples this sweet and good.
"This is rather tasty. You put only apples in it?"
"Eeyup!" Applejack grinned.
"So, tell me more about where exactly I am, because I can't find a way of getting home."
"Well, this here land is called 'Equestria'. To the South is the Everfree Forest. Nopony usually goes there, except our friend Zecora the zebra."
"Oh, yeah? What does Zecora do for a living?"
"She's a witch doctor."
"Are you kidding me? The only other person in Equestria who isn't a pony lives in a forest, all alone? On top of that her name sounds kinda black, and she's a WITCH DOCTOR, for Christ's sake? That's a bit racist. Is everyone here racist, Applejack?"
"Well, you're calling us racist, wouldn't ya say that's kinda racist?"
"I'm not a racist! I'm a melting pot of friendship! I happen to have a whole bunch of friends that happen to be Mexican! I happen to have a whole bunch of friends that happen to be black! And freakin' zebras! And goddamn ponies! So for you to stand here and call me some kind of a grand dragon racist is a slanderous lie; you know it and I know it!"
Applejack stared at Ghost, and both burst into laughter at the same time. Once they had recovered, AJ turned to Ghost.
"If ya've never been here before, how come ya know about dragons?" she asked, with a lot of seriousness in her voice.
"Wait, wait, DRAGONS live here? Fire-breathing dragons?" Ghost asked, shocked. Applejack took another sip of her apple juice, not really caring about the shuddering Texan sitting beside her..
"They sure do. Do ya have dragons where you come from as well?"
"Well, not real-life dragons, they're made-up, they only exist in stories." AJ nodded her head.
Ghost looked around the barn, before returning his attention to Applejack. "Is there anything else we can do in Ponyville?"
"There's loads of things! Why don't I take ya on a tour of the town?"
Ghost stared off into the distance, leaving a silence only filled with the mooing of cows outside.
"Let's go."

Don't be scared! (Because I'M A CAPITALIST, AND I DESERVE RESPECT)

Ghost wandered through Ponyville, Applejack by his side. Noticeably, everyone else was staying away from the angry Texan.
"Right yonder is Sugarcube Corner, the bakers' place. That's where Mr and Mrs Cake live," Applejack explained. Ghost looked at the building, dumbstruck.
"Ah, God, does the WHOLE building HAVE to be pink? That looks fruitier than a doll house, for Christ's sake."
"Do ya have to criticize EVERYTHING ya see?" Applejack shot Ghost a smug grin.
"I can't help it if I'm in Ponyville," Ghost rolled his eyes. Applejack's smile faded. "I didn't realise you ponies ate cake. I thought you were restricted to hay and oats."
"Maybe it's time I introduced ya to Pinkie Pie. She's friend's with everypony here."
Awkward silence. "Is she, by any chance, a prankster?"
"Eeyup." Ghost let out a sigh, followed by a small chortle. "Do ya suppose I'll ever understand ya?"
"I doubt it. Let's go find her."

***

When Ghost stepped into Sugarcube Corner, he was overwhelmed by the scent of about a hundred freshly-baked cakes in the air, so much so that he almost staggered over. Behind the counter was a pink tail and some munching noises.
"Pinkie? Are ya there?" Applejack called out.
Slowly a pink pony head appeared from behind the counter.
"Oh, my!" Pinkie gasped. Ghost let out another laugh at this. "I'm Pinkie Pie, and I've never seen you before. What's your name?"
"You aren't surprised by what I look like?" Ghost was slightly taken aback.
"Nope! I run into all sorts of things in Equestria, I'm not surprised in the slightest. Now what's your name, what's your naaaaame?" She started hopping around.
"I am your host, the man they call Ghost." Ghost stuck his chest out, hoping that Pinkie might recognise him (forgetting that she was a pony) or give him some respect (because he's a capitalist). Instead, Ghost was presented with the most astonishing reply possible.
"WAAAAH! APPLEJACK, RUN AWAY! THERE'S A GHOST NEXT TO YOU! SUGARCUBE CORNER IS HAUNTED!" With that, Pinkie ran into the kitchen, huddled in the corner.
"...she's friends with everyone here, with THAT attitude?"
Applejack let out a nervous chuckle. "She doesn't like ghosts." Ghost put a hand to his forehead. "Do ya have another name?"
Ghost took a HUGE swig of apple juice, and sighed afterwards.
"If it means getting out of this stupid pony land, then she can call me...kpjmvpmwirdy," he mumbled.
"Ah'm sorry, what was that?"
"higbxibyyar," he repeated.
"One more time?" Applejack took off her hat and put a hoof to her ear.
"JOHN CONQUEST." Ghost shouted, almost knocking Applejack over.
"Well, alrighty then," Applejack murmured. She ran into the kitchen, where Ghost could hear the clanging of pots and pans, and a lot of shouting. In ten seconds flat, Applejack forcefully dragged Pinkie back into the room.
Ghost and Pinkie locked gazes, before Pinkie gulped, and Ghost rolled his eyes again before extending a hand.
"Hi, Pinkie. My name's..." he sighed. "...John Conquest. I'm not a ghost, shake my hand, I'm as real as you a-" He realized what he had just said, stopped himself and took a final swig of apple juice. He crushed the carton and, finding nowhere to put it, jammed it in his shirt pocket.
Instantly Pinkie's worried face exploded to one of delight, and she happily shook Ghost's hand. "Hi John! You're a brand new face, and I'd love to be your brand new friend! Where d'ya come from?"
"Texas."
"I've never heard of Texas, that sounds exotic! Where exactly is it?"
"It's East of Las-"
"East of Las Pegasus? You mean you live in Appleloosa? Why did you come to Ponyville?" Ghost sighed again. Pinkie was reminded of Cranky Doodle Donkey.
"I don't know. I didn't really have a choice."
"Aww, poor you! Well, don't worry, John, I'll throw you a party! Where's your house?"
"Uh, back in Texas."
"Well, where are you staying while you're in Ponyville?"
"My studio, unless somebody offers me shelter."
"Ooh, a studio! Are you some kinda artist?"
"I'm not an artist, I'm a radio host."
"Couldja take me to your studio?" Pinkie's face proudly displayed a beaming grin, and she was hopping in place.
"Fine, just stop asking questions, please!"

***

When Pinkie and Applejack entered the studio, they were surprised by the mess. What surprised them more was the machinery all around the room. Never had the ponies seen anything like this.
"Ooh, what does this thing do?" Pinkie tapped Ghost's computer.
"DON'T TOUCH THAT!" Ghost shouted. Pinkie was oblivious to Ghost's shouting, however the computer was off and it didn't do anything. Applejack picked up the microphone, which seemed to be slightly charred.
"What in Equestria happened to this thing?"
"Uh, I'd prefer not to say." Ghost pushed it out of her hoof. "Let's just say that's how I got here. It's also probably the only way I'm ever getting out of he-" Suddenly Ghost got an amazing idea. "Do you ponies have electricity?"
"Well, we do have electricity, but it'd take a while to set up, probably a week at most." Applejack said. "However, if you're lookin' for INSTANT electrical energy, there's a storm coming tonight, and all the pegasi are gonna be haulin' lightnin' clouds all over Ponyville. If'n ya wanna get electricity, you'd need a lightning rod and a lightning cloud to get that machine workin'."
Ghost smiled.
"Let's go to work."

MAGIC MISSILE (Lightning Bolt!)

"Alright, Pinkie, you get the lightning. I'll get the rod and AJ here can help me secure it. Let's go, team!"
Ghost ran out of the studio madly. Pinkie was about to go too when Applejack let out a small burst of laughter.
"What's the joke, AJ?"
"He just said that we were a team."
"Yeah, so?"
"...Ah think he's startin' ta like us." At that, Pinkie gave a wink, a smile, and hopped away.

***

Pinkie Pie sped through town until she reached Sugarcube Corner. Once inside, she raced upstairs and found a small, blue device. Quickly running back outside, she threw it on the ground, where it unfolded into a gyrocopter for one.
"All aboard the Pinkiecopter!" she giggled. At that, she started pedalling her hooves to make the gyrocopter work. Magnificently, she soared into the clouds, got her bearings, and pedalled over to an extravagant-looking house.
Pinkie Pie pressed the doorbell. A few seconds later, a groggy-looking, cyan blue pegasus with rainbow mane and tail opened the door. "Oh, hey Pinkie Pie." She had a small giggle. "What a wake-up call, eh? So, what is it you want? I've got to move the clouds in an hour."
"That's just the thing, Rainbow Dash! My new friend, John Conquest, needs a lightning cloud to power up something he's working on so he can get home. Could you lend a hoof?"
"Conquest, huh? That's a strange name. Anyway, sure, where does he live?"
"Oh, you'll know when you see it," Pinkie giggled. "It's a lot different to any of our houses. He brought it over all the way from Appleloosa."
Rainbow Dash cocked her head. "He brought a house all the way from Appleloosa? That must have taken a lot of magic."
"Oh, he's not a unicorn, Dashie."
"Pegasus?"
"Nope!" Rainbow Dash wiped her eyes.
"Pinkie, you've got some pretty strange friends. I'll get that cloud to his house in about 10 minutes. Think he can wait?"
"I sure hope so! Bye!" Pinkie's gyrocopter slowly descended, giving Rainbow Dash an opportunity to wave to Pinkie on her journey downwards.

***

Ghost strolled through town, hands jammed firmly in pockets. Ponies were still looking uneasily at him, and his face was frozen in a snarl.
"This is a place full of...frickin' talkin' horses, there's gotta be a blacksmith somewhere in this goddamn town," Ghost grunted.
"Um, excuse me, sir?" A timid voice came at Ghost's feet. He looked down to see a yellow pegasus with bright pink hair cowering at his feet. Ghost shook her off with a small yelp from both parties.
"Uh, sorry, didn't see you there," Ghost muttered.
"Wait, sir!" The pegasus bounded after Ghost.
"Whaaat? Whaddayawant?" Ghost growled.
"Um, I heard you talking about a blacksmith, and, well, uh, I know a really good one. Um, if you want to follow me, I can show you, it's no trouble at all, if you don't mind, that is."
"I don't really have a choice," Ghost sighed, as he walked off with the yellow creature. "So, what's your name? I might as well know, cos EVERYBODY in this freakin' town thinks I'm their friend."
"Oh, I'm, uh, I'm Fluttershy. What's yours?"
"Are you afraid of ghosts?"
"No."
Ghost breathed a sigh of relief. "My name's Ghost."
"Not to be rude, but what species are you? I've never seen anything like you before!"
"I'm a homo sapien." Ghost groaned. He didn't want to answer any more questions after Pinkie Pie's interrogation. "Why are there butterflies on yer ass?"
"That's my cutie mark! Most ponies have them, and they show our special talents. Oh, look. We're here."
The blacksmith's tent wasn't very big, but it was very warm. Ghost was surprised it hadn't burned down. The sound of a hammer smacking an anvil could be heard. Ghost headed towards the source. There, a unicorn pony with a cream-coloured coat and a black tail was working hard.
"Hey. Do you have any lightning rods?" Ghost asked.
"Nope. I can make you one, but it'll take a while." he said, without looking at Ghost.
"How long, exactly?"
"I can't say, but I have two more orders to fill out after I'm done with this one."
"Fine. I'll wait."
"Great! I'll need 10 bits in advance, though."
Ghost's mouth flopped open like a fish. "You mean I need money to get stuff?"
"That's generally how it works."
"Forget it, I'm taking my business elsewhere."
"Fine by me," laughed the unicorn.
"I'm sorry, Ghost, I didn't know-" Fluttershy started.
"Oh, don't worry. Would anyone else have a lightning rod?"
"Well, Applejack once told me that Twilight had a magical lightning rod. Maybe she can give you one."
"OH, NO. I am not talkin' to her. She almost killed me when I first got here. Is there anyone else?" Ghost eyed around the market, trying to spot anyone who could help.
"You could always use a tree."
"What would you know about trees? Your...butt tattoo says you like butterflies."
"Well, I have a tree costume. It might be a little bit on the scruffy side, but it's tall enough!"
"Well, why didn't you say so? Let's go to your place. I'll meet you back at the studio," shouted Ghost impatiently.
"Wait, I don't know where that is!"
Ghost waved a finger to the horizon. "There, somewhere. Or maybe in the other direction." At that, Ghost walked off, not sure himself where his studio was. Fluttershy had lost him. The timid pegasus giggled, then flew off in the other direction.

Jesus Christ...(My heart's beatin' like a rabbit)

About 20 minutes later, Ghost finally recognized his studio in the horizon, standing out like a tarantula on an angel's dress. Next to the studio was a figure standing next to what looked like a tree, and another, winged figure was hovering above the studio, pushing a cloud. As he approached, the flying figure's face came into view, wearing a shocked expression.
"You're John Conquest?" Rainbow Dash asked. Ghost clenched his fists, and shouted in the direction of the studio.
"YOU MEAN YOU TOLD HER-" the Texan yelled, before unclenching his fists, and taking a deep breath.
"Did you really bring this house with you all the way from Appleloosa?" Ghost just stared at the cyan pegasus, before walking into the studio. Applejack was in there, staring intently at the walls.
"Are we gonna have to make a hole in the wall to get the machine working?" Ghost asked.
"Eeyup. Ah reckon we should take it out round about here. Should be done in a few minutes!" Applejack replied, pointing at a spot in the wall.
"Let's hope my insurance covers it." Ghost slinked outside again. On the way out, he grabbed Fluttershy's tree costume and moved it around to the side of the studio. "Come on, rainbow hair, move that cloud!" Rainbow Dash moved the cloud above the tree costume. "It's too high, it needs to be closer!" As Rainbow gently moved it down towards the ground, Ghost grabbed onto it to pull it down as well. Unfortunately, this set off the cloud, and a lightning bolt flew out of it and hit Ghost's open hand. Ghost screamed as if he had just had a call from Tri$ha. He was sent flying through the air, and slammed into the studio wall, knocking a huge hole in it.
Everything went dark.

***

When Ghost came to, yet again, he was in an unknown environment. Something told him he still wasn't in Texas. Rats.
"Where the hell am I?" Ghost moaned. He was wearing a hospital gown, but underneath he realized he was shirtless; his skin was very cold. A glance around the room told him that he was in some sort of hospital bed. Two pegasi were either side of Ghost-one was yellow, the other was sky blue. "What happened to me?"
"Oh, thank goodness you're awake, Mister Ghost!" Fluttershy said. "That lightning bolt sent you pretty far, huh?"
"Why am I shirtless?"
"Well, the lightning somehow managed to electrify your shirt. It was so full of holes we decided to throw it away. Would you like us to make you a new one?" Fluttershy asked.
"As long as it isn't a frilly, fruity shirt, I'll take that offer. Who's gonna do it? You?" Ghost pointed at Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash simultaneously.
"No, no, no, we'll get Rarity to do it. She's a pro at making shirts."
"Where's Applejack and Pinkie Pie?" the Capitalist groaned.
"They're back at your house. The lightning not only knocked you unconscious, but it's actually got that machine working again. They decided to send SOS signals via the broadcast until you're OK again."
"Oh God," gasped Ghost, "I hope the fruits don't do anything stupid."

***

Applejack and Pinkie Pie were in the studio. Applejack was wearing headphones, while Pinkie Pie was wearing a mining light. Applejack had brought over a large barrel of apple juice, and Pinkie was opening each of Ghost's cans with a knife and filling them with up. "OK, everyone, can ya hear me? Ah hope so. Ah'm Applejack, and-"
"And I'm Pinkie Pie!" Pinkie shouted.
"We've bin lookin' through yer usual host's previous shows, and we think we know what ta do. So, let's take it from the top. 612, Radio Equestria."
"My man, Herman 'Sugar' Cain, is a nigger!" A splice, of course.
"Did Ghost really say that? Ah, well. 732, Radio Equestria."
"-Cos I'm a big, fruity-ass, fruitbowl, gay, bastard that's taking it in the pooper..."
"Geez, Ghost really reveals a lot of his personality on the air. 754, Radio Equestria."
"Can I throw a party for your granny's funeral? We'll make cupcakes out of her for dessert!" This wasn't a splice, but a feminine, over-excited voice. It sounded rather like Pinkie Pie. Both mares' mouths were agape now.
"Pinkie Pie, what in Equestria did you just say?" Applejack asked, nervously. Pinkie had some sweets in her mouth, and could only respond with a garbled tongue. "This is weird. DJPenguin, Radio Equestria."
"-And screw all you bastards that are criticizing me for, uh, drinking afterbirth." Yet another splice. Applejack gagged.
"DJPenguin, did he actually say that? 219, Radio Equestria."
"Black man, in a white man's town, he's got trouble...
Get in his way, he's gonna cu-"
"Pinkie, do ya see what's going on here?" Again, Pinkie's sweets made it impossible for her to talk properly.
"Diaaaayaaayuuh!" she protested.
"Look at the ponies in here, just look at 'em!"
"Akaaayuuwaah!" Pinkie Pie got up, and walked out.
"OK, that just about does it. Ah'm outta here, everypony." Applejack played Ghost's outro, and followed Pinkie Pie to the hospital.

***

"You two did WHAT!?" Ghost hollered.
"We took over the show for you. We were tryin' to get a help message across to somepony, but all we could hear was you sayin' you were a fruitbowl!" Ghost growled in fury at the remark.
"That wasn't me! They were splicing jerk-dicks!" At this point, a stallion dressed up like a doctor walked in, levitating a clipboard with his horn. "When I get out of here...PUNITIVE DAMAGES!"
"Good news, Mr. Conquest: Your injuries were only minor. If it wasn't for that juice box, that lightning bolt would've almost certainly kept you hospitalized for the next few weeks." Ghost said a silent prayer, thanking whoever first invented apple juice. "You're being discharged. Have a nice day." At that, two more stallions wheeled Ghost out of the hospital, while he shouted "PUNITIVE DAMAGES!" at the top of his voice. Fluttershy tuned to Rainbow Dash.
"You get back to the studio. I'll go find Rarity," the timid pegasus said.
"Roger that, Fluttershy!" Rainbow sped out of the open window, back towards the studio.

Fruity Texans and Nice Unicorns (YOU REMIXED ME WITH SKRILLEX?)

Ghost skidded (literally) to a halt outside the hospital. Seconds later, Fluttershy appeared.
"Come on, Ghost, let's get you off of that bed. I know somepony who can get you a brand new shirt for you!"
"But I'm broke," Ghost complained. "I don't have any money that I can use here!"
"I'm sure she can make it for you free of charge. Now come on!" Fluttershy flew into the air, carrying Ghost (kicking and screaming) all the way to a large carousel. The bell rang as they came inside, where about 4 brightly-coloured dresses were on pony-shaped mannequins (which Ghost gagged at). A white cat was alternating between clawing at one of their legs and batting a small ball of string. One of its bats was particularly hard, and rolled all the way over to a desk at the other end of the room, where several neat drawings of ponies wearing dresses were amassed in a scruffy pile. A pretty, white unicorn with a vivid purple mane trotted into the room with her eyes closed. "Welcome to Carousel Boutique. I am Rarity, how may I assist you?" Her eyes slowly opened, and fixed on the unimpressed Texan. She stifled a scream.
"Rarity, this is Ghost. He travelled all the way from Appleloosa to be here, and he hasn't got a shirt. Could you make him one for me?" Fluttershy gave a big, cute grin. Ghost nearly gagged again.
"Of course, Fluttershy. I'll be happy to help. Any friend of yours is a friend of mine." Rarity looked Ghost up and down. "It shouldn't take long, I'll just make a bigger version of an outfit I made for my little Spikey-Wikey." Fluttershy patted Ghost on the back before flying out of the Carousel. Ghost took some nervous steps forward, sat on a stool in front of him, and tried to make conversation.
"Who's Spikey-Wikey? Why does he sound so fruity?"
"He's my...special somepony..." Rarity gazed off into the distance. "Or, special somedragon as the case may be."
"Wait, you're in love with a freakin' DRAGON!?" the Capitalist shouted.
"Not just any dragon. He saved my life, you know. Stopped the town from being destroyed."
"Isn't there a law against that?"
"I don't think there's a law about transforming into a huge, beastly version of yourself and stealing everypony's things, but if there was, he'd probably have broken it." Ghost pictured a dragon turning into a horrifying monster in his head, and decided to give dragons the respect accorded to that title. He quickly calmed down.
"No, I mean about a unicorn bein' in love with a dragon. Surely that's against the law."
"What would be wrong with that, Mr. Ghost?" Ghost was reminded of the 'Ghost the Grinch' remix, and his eyes flashed with rage for a millisecond. "Don't you do that where you come from?"
"Uh, only in the movies." Ghost thought back to the last dragon/pony romance he'd seen. He reeled back in horror when he recalled it was in the Shrek films.
Rarity levitated a measuring tape over, and Ghost felt his neck begin to tingle. It stopped after Rarity had magically lifted the hospital gown off of his neck. Ghost noticed, and covered his bare chest with it. "What are you doing?" He roared.
"What's wrong? I'm just seeing your dimensions."
"Do you realise how wrong that is? Don't take off my gown."
"But it isn't your gown, is it? It belongs to the hospital. Now let me measure you!" Ghost gave up, put his hands by his sides and let Rarity measure him, he noticed, without her touching his skin.
"How long will it take to make my shirt?" Ghost enquired.
"Long enough, dear. What colour would you like?"
"White. Nothing pink, frilly, or otherwise fruity." Ghost shuddered at the thought of him wearing a pink shirt among the pony folk. Quick as a flash, Rarity dashed over to the desk, and levitated a sewing machine in from the other room.
"I'm sorry if this takes a while. Do you have anything else you can do while I'm making your shirt?" Rarity asked, not truning around.
"Sadly, no. I don't really know what there is to do in Ponyville. I've only been here a couple of hours."
"Well, since you're not doing a lot, could you run over there and fetch me some white fabric?" She motioned with her hoof in the direction of a very large set of shelves. Ghost grunted as he trudged over to them, but he felt OK as he plonked the fabric on the desk.
9 minutes passed, and Ghost found himself doing whatever chores Rarity needed-he figured that if he ever wanted to get out of this gay town, he needed to get a shirt and get it quick. Rarity turned around, levitating a plain, white shirt with short sleeves and a collar. "Voila! Now, you must try it on," Rarity laughed.
Ghost put on his new shirt. He noticed it was quite loose, and the sleeves only came up to above his elbows. He walked over to a large mirror that he only just noticed, and had a look at himself. He had to squat, because the mirror was built for pony kind and he was much taller than them. "Well, I definitely look good. Thanks."
"Not a problem, Mr. Ghost. Now, unless you want to help me finish another design, I don't really need you here, do y-" The bell on the inside of the door rang, and when Rarity turned around, she saw the stool was empty, and Ghost's leg disappearing through the egress. She shrugged, turned around, and went back to work on another design.

Wake up, wake up (It's the first of the month)

Ghost woke up, feeling refreshed, relaxed and reinvigorated. His bones snapped as he stretched and yawned. He gave a short laugh. His desk was really comfy; if there was a TV in his studio he wouldn't have to leave.
There was a scratch at the door.
Angrily, Ghost remembered the events of the night before. "It's just a hat, it's nothing special," he grumbled, heading to the door, hat in hand. Had she really been there the whole night? She could have slept in the barn.
As he opened the door, he could not have been prepared for what he saw.
A skeleton was laying outside. Technically, it wasn't a skeleton; although the bones were clearly visible, there were small patches of rotting flesh on it.
Ghost screamed like a little girl.
"OH my GOD!" He slammed the door, not locking it, taking several deep breaths. He opened the window. Fluttershy was outside.
"Hi, Mr. Ghost! Long time no see!"
"What are you talkin' about? We met maybe a few days ago."
"Silly Ghost! We met 3 months ago!" Ghost's face froze in panic.
"I was asleep for 3 months and none of you stupid ponies cared?" Ghost asked. "I WAS IN A COMA! And you could have at least cared for Applejack before she died."
"Oh, we tried. We tried giving her food, water, she wouldn't take any of it unless she got her hat. So we just left her to die."
"...you ponies are sick, you know that?" Ghost closed the window and started talking to himself. "OK, here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna bring Applejack into the studio and never let her out. Yeah. She could be my new Engineer. Yeah." Ghost reluctantly re-opened the door, took AJ's body inside and slumped it on the desk. "Have some juice." Ghost poured the can into Applejack's mouth, but nothing happened. Out of respect, Ghost put Applejack's hat on her head, then decided to take some callers, to take his mind off of the situation. "Uh, Spoon, Radio Graffiti."
"Fuck Goofy Bone."
"Uh, 61-641, Radio Graffiti."
"Goofy Bone likes dick!"
"Uh, 914, Radio Graffiti."
Suddenly the power cut out. Ghost tried desperately pressing buttons, but to no avail. Then he heard a clicking sound. He looked over at Applejack's rotting corpse.
There was a maggot crawling out of one of her eyes. Her cutie mark was still visible, but almost all of the rest of her flesh had rotted away. Ghost saw one of her hooves move, grabbed her and threw her to the ground behind him, near the door.
Suddenly Applejack's body lurched into life, and with a guttural scream shouted "yEe-hAw!"
Ghost nearly wet himself.
Applejack plodded towards Ghost, as the frightened Texan backed into the corner of the studio. "I'm sorry! I gave you your hat, now stop it!" Applejack did not respond. "You can't do this! I'M GHOST! I CAN'T DIE! IIIII CAAAAAAN'T DIII-" Applejack roared again, and lunged right for his head. He could feel her jagged teeth coming down on his neck. As Applejack was about to make the finishing blow-

***

"AAAAH!" Ghost shouted, sitting up on his desk. "Oh, thank god. It was all a dream. ALL a dream." Just then he heard a scraping at the door. He looked around. He couldn't see Applejack's hat anywhere. This time he sat on his desk, shouting at the door. He didn't want to open it again.
Luckily, he didn't need to.
A purple blur came into the room and shot Ghost in the chest with a magical pulse. He rolled off of the desk, and glanced up at his attacker. Twilight! But why was she attacking him?
"What the hell are you doing?" Ghost snapped.
"Avenging Applejack's death! You killed her! I knew you were nothing but trouble from the moment you arrived here." Twilight levitated Applejack's skull, it was completely devoid of skin. Ghost noticed it had the hat on.
"No, that was a dream."
"You MURDERED her!" Twilight shot more blasts at Ghost, hitting him in the chest. He flew backwards and broke open a small cabinet. Two metallic objects clunked to the ground.
"Stop, STOP!" Ghost shouted. "If you want to kill me, at least play by my rules." Ghost picked up one of the objects and threw it to Twilight. Ghost picked the other one up. It had 'Punitive Damages' written on it in black marker. "This means you have 'Tiger Uppercut', right?"
Twilight nodded. "But what is this?"
"It's a gun. Fires bullets. One goes into you, you're crocodile chow. We have to turn around, and when I count to 3, we face each other and fire. Sound good?" Twilight nodded again, and they both spun around.
"One..." Ghost locked his pistol. Twilight tried to magically lock it, but because she'd never seen one before, it was much more difficult than she expected. Ghost could hear her mumbling and fumbling, and snickered.
"Two..." Twilight levitated the gun in front of her, but Ghost silently turned around. "'Punitive Damages' indeed..." he whispered, as quiet as a mouse. His trigger finger was itching, and the barrel of the gun was aimed right at the back of Twilight's head.
Ghost closed his finger around the trigger.
"Thr-"

***

"AAAH!" Ghost shouted, sitting up on his desk. Pinkie Pie and Applejack were standing next to him. "How did you get in here?"
"Ah wanted mah hat back. So ah kicked the door down 'n' found you sleepin'," Applejack scowled.
"Here, take it," Ghost said, rubbing his eyes and handing Applejack the hat.
"What do you wanna do today, Ghost?" Pinkie asked.
"I don't wanna go back to sleep, that's fer sure. I wanna find a way outta here." He walked out the door, the two ponies following him.

Melting Pot Of Answers (OPEN YOUR MIND)

Ghost marched right up to Twilight's front door. He had known that sooner or later he had to talk to her, but with how she treated him before, it seemed like accepting defeat. Despite his worries, he rapped on the door, and was not expecting Spike to be standing there. Ghost screamed, but was rooted to the spot. "YAAAAH! A REAL LIFE DRA-" Then he noticed his mistake, and gave a brief chuckle. This wasn't real life. Hell, it might not even be in an alternate universe. He may have just had one too many Johnny Walkers.
"Uh, you OK? Why are you just standing there?" Spike asked, touching Ghost's arm to see if he was still alive/conscious. Instantly the Texan snapped out of his daydream and looked down at the dragon.
"Um, yeah, I'm fine. Where's Twilight?"
"She went out to Canterlot yesterday, on royal business. She'll be back today, though." Ghost facepalmed.
"THERE'S A TOWN NAMED CANTERLOT FER CHRIST'S SAKE?" Ghost took a brief breath.
Spike looked uneasily at him. "So, do you wanna come in? I'm sure Twilight'll be back soon." Ghost nodded his head and walked in. Not only was the area quite cramped for someone of his size, but he could feel that, other than him and Spike, there was another being in here with them. Ghost shook the thought off with another deep breath.
"You must be Spikey-Wikey," Ghost said. Spike blushed awkwardly.
"Please, don't call me that."
"Why not?"
"I-I don't like being called that. Call me Spike."
"You may wanna go and see Clarity, or whatever the Hell her name was. She's been calling you Spikey-Wikey all morning."
"Really? What did she say?" Spike leaned forwards in anticipation.
"Something about you going on a rampage and almost destroying the town. But she was just having a joke, right? That didn't happen, RIGHT?" Spike shook his head rather solemnly.
Suddenly, a small, brown blur flew at Ghost's head, almost knocking him over. He grabbed onto the bottom of the staircase to support himself. "What the Hell was that?"
"Oh, that's just Owlowiscious. That's Twilight's pet owl."
"Hoo," hooed Owlowiscious.
"You! You're her pet."
"Hoo."
"Twilight! You belong to her!" Spike shouted. Ghost rolled his eyes. "Sorry about him," Spike turned to Ghost, "but he's very annoying."
"Yeah, sure, but one question."
"What's that?"
"I thought you were her pet." Spike looked like he was about to say something, but then quickly looked at the clock and ran upstairs.
"Um, sorry, I have to do some chores for Twilight. We should talk another time, Mister..?" Spike scratched his head.
"Ghost." Spike bolted and dashed upstairs faster than a cheetah. Ghost grunted and responded to Spike's body language with a simple, "Actually it's John Conquest." 'John' turned and walked out of the library, muttering "Is everyone in this freakin' town afraid of ghosts?" Suddenly the capitalist was halted. He looked down to see Twilight. "Oh, hello again." Twilight said nothing. "I know where you were. In Canterlot. Royal business, was it?" Twilight opened her mouth to interject, but Ghost interrupted with "Spike told me. Who did you see, and why?"
"Why do you want to know?" Twilight asked, annoyed.
"Excuse me?" Ghost couldn't believe that she just said that. Ghost was shooting ~~pearls~~ daggers from his eyes.
"Why do you want to know? It's as clear as crystal."
"I want to know everything about this place. Why I'm here, how I got here, and how I can get home. Who's the royal you were speaking to?"
"Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria."
"Were you talking about me?" Twilight said nothing. "That's a 'yes' then. Are you trying to get rid of me? Am I some sort of safety concern to everyone here?"
"She was worried about your impact on all of us. So, yes, in a way. We don't want you here. Nopony does."
Ghost's jaw fell. Did one of the 'friendly' ponies isolate Ghost? He was mad now. He would only take so much more until he snapped. Like about one hundred kicks to the groin. Or one thousand punches to the face.
Or one call.
He strode back to his studio, leaving the door unlocked.

Equestricans.wav (YOU'RE PISSIN' ME OFF)

"Alright, 732, Radio Graffiti.."
"Uh, yeah, I was just...your granny called and she wants your dil-"
"Ah, SHUT UP, shut your stupid, stinkin', smelly hole, shut up! 269, Radio Graffiti."
"Hey, Patrick! What am I now?" asked a high-pitched voice. "Uh, stupid?" replied Patrick. "No, I'm Texas!" answered his friend. "What's the difference?" Patrick asked. Both started laughing like hyenas in a feather-duster factory.
"Mah, hah, REAL funny, oh-UH HUH HUUH! REAL FUNNY! Shut up! Piece of crap for Christ's sake!" Ghost lazily tossed his microphone into a pile of cans. He wasn't as angry as he usually was. Something deep down within him told him that he needed to get angry-really, really, angry-so that Princess Celestia might banish him back to Earth, or something fruity like that. "619, Radio Graffiti."
"Hell, I mean, in my personal opinion, my grandmother is a good pie-"
"Shut up, shut up! 617, Radio Graffiti."
"Such a pity that Asho wasn't the kid who got shot by the police for pulling a gun out at school." Hey, it's Tzeki! Ghost let out a short laugh. "Woo! Oh, man, I didn't say it. How you doing, Tzeki? Found a way to get me outta here?"
"Not yet, Ghost, but I have an idea, being a brony and all." Ghost snorted in disgust at this. "Magic! It's in all the stories. Find someone with powerful magic and make them send you back to Earth."
"How are they gonna know how to do that?"
"Beats me. They always know how in the stories."
Ghost grimaced. "Twilight knows this magic, doesn't she?" Tzeki hung up. "Gee, if you wanted to get me angry you've done a great freakin' job. Uh, Xarahox, Radio Graffiti!" Xara played a short jingle on his piano. It sounded like a cross between the Rugrats theme song and 'Happy Birthday To You'. Ghost took offence, namely because that was the tune he was playing when 'the accident' happened. "Screw you. It's your fault! Stupid idiot. Uh, 571, Radio Graffiti."
"Herman Cain sexually harassed your granny." A male voice.
"Ah, shove it up your ass. Stop talking about Herman Cain, and don't talk about my granny. 361, Radio Graffiti."
"Hey, Ghost, happy birthday from Thomas the Tank Engine!" a male voice quickly quipped.
"SHUT UP, it's not my birthday-why are you idiots saying it's my birthday today? I mean I WISH it was my birthday, somebody would give me something, you know what I mean? I mean, you know, people would be giving me stuff around here or something; unfortunately it'd be ties and, you know, ridiculous, off-the-clearance-shelf crap, but, you know, at least it's the thought that counts, at least when it comes to your birthday, alright? 781, Radio Graffiti."
"Hey, your granny's dead, don't you under-"
"Can you idiots shut up, shut up, SHUT UP ABOUT MY GRANDMOTHER ALREADY!?" Ghost launched the mike into the cans. Ghost was seriously pissed off now. "Dammit, enough! Enough of talking about my granny already, alright? Enough of this crap! Jesus Christ, gimme the-" More cans meant more anger. These trolls were on a roll, even if he didn't want to admit it! "502, Radio Graffiti."
"And I hate to keep beating my grandmother here, but..." Beating noises and a feminine scream could be heard through 502's phone.
"Goddammit, man, enough of the grandma stuff, man, goddammit! Right, that does it! Engineer, IMPLEMENT CHATROOM MARTIAL LAW!"
"Way ahead of you," said Applejack, who had trotted in prior to Ghost's knowledge, and turned on Chatroom Martial Law. Ghost screamed in shock, played his outro and turned to face Applejack. "Ah listened to every word ya said. Ah know you're not expectin' me, but I think you need to calm down."
"NO! There's no way I'm calmin' down, when I can get out of here by being angry!"
"Stop it, sugarcube. Nothin' can be solved by violence and anger."
"No pony is gonna tell Ghost, from True Capitalist Radio, what to do, ya hear?" Ghost tried to ignore Applejack, and spun back around.
"You're supposed to have a whole bunch of friends. Ya said that to me in person. With this attitude, I'm believing it less and less."
"Come on, I AM a melting pot of friendship. I'M A NICE GUY!" Ghost shouted, turning back to AJ and waving his arms. Applejack gave an unimpressed and despairing look.
"Getting mad at people makes you a nice guy where you come from?" Ghost was about to say "Yeah, it does!" but decided against it, and swivelled around again. Applejack just stared at Ghost with a frown. Ghost could feel it, and asked her to stop, but still it persisted. "Ghost, you need to calm down."
"What I need to do is tell you ponies that you're burning a hole in my stomach! Get outta here, I wanna do something!" He hurriedly ushered the Earth pony out of the studio, turned back to his desk and opened a cabinet.
The Texan grinned wickedly, loading his prize.

Buck you, Texan (Again with that stupid song)

Ghost stepped out into Ponyville. It was night already, he noticed. The perfect time for him to exact revenge on the town. Applejack was not trembling by the door. Ghost had a look around the whole building just to make sure. The smell of pastries had evaporated into nothingness. The capitalist grinned a wicked grin, and polished the cherished object he held in his right hand with the bottom of his shirt.
"Watch out, Ponyland," Ghost chuckled, "Ghost's coming to down."
He took two majestic steps forward, and eyed the area. There was barely a pony about. Anypony who was outside would have been terrified by the capitalist's apple juice-stained, stubble-covered, demonically smiling face. Even more scarier was the item in his hand.
Aha! A pony! A male, yellow unicorn with a mane full of short blue hair wandered past one of the houses. His cutie mark was a shooting star. He didn't see Ghost, but Ghost could see his prey. He had fantasized about something like this ages ago, and now was time to play out that fantasy.
Silently, he crept up behind the unicorn, who, judging by the smell of him, had been drinking quite a lot of apple juice recently, much more than Ghost. He wondered if apple juice was free, or whether it costed money. His thoughts drifted to currency in Equestria, before realising that he was letting his fantasy slip by.
Quickly, the Texan hid his object he would use to complete his fantasy in his shirt pocket as much as he could, and raced silently towards the stallion. Ghost let out the tiniest gasp imaginable, and the pony turned around and would've screamed if he hadn't had so much apple juice.
"Hey, buddy, you been drinking?" Ghost asked, politely.
"Only a little," slurred the pony. "I'm a connoissheur."
"Hey, me too! Maybe we can be drinkin' buddies. What's yer name?"
"I'm Comet Tail." That explains the fruity mark, thought Ghost. "What'sh yoursh?"
"I'm Ghost." No reaction from Comet Tail. Finally, someone else who wasn't scared of ghosts! "So what does your fruity-I mean, CUTIE mark represent? What's your special talent?"
"Yeah, it meansh I'm tough!"
"How does a shooting star mean you're a tough guy?"
"You want a fight, COM-ET me bro!" Comet Tail fell over in hysterics, but Ghost just stood there looking exasperated. The stallion noticed this, and replied to Ghost's body language with "Hey, you want a METEOR joke? Fine, but I'll have to PLAN-ET out!" Comet Tail started crying because he was laughing so hard. Ghost sighed, and whipped out his metallic problem solver. One look at it was all it took to snap Comet Tail out of his drunken stupor and into sobriety.
"Are you a capitalist?" Ghost asked, lazily waggling the barrel of the gun in the general direction of Comet Tail. He quickly nodded his head. Ghost could have sworn he could hear a rattling noise. "Good. Go about your business." Comet Tail turned and ran for safety. Ghost gave a short laugh before examining the gun.
It was a silver Colt (Ghost found that quite ironic) Single Action .45 Revolver, engraved with Ghost's old logo on the polished, wooden hand grip. The rest of the gun was silver, but Ghost had written 'Pearl Shooter' on it in black marker pen. Another pony was wandering down the path. Ghost hid the Pearl Shooter and strode towards the pony.
She was a cream-coloured pony with sky blue eyes and a bunched ginger mane. She wore a black hat with a blue band around it. She had a camera around her neck on some kind of wire necklace. Her cutie mark was a piece of film. "Hey!" Ghost shouted. She whirled around instantly, and flashed the camera in Ghost's eyes.
"Oh, hello! I didn't see you there." Ghost could see that the pony had a suitcase with star print all over it.
"Not from around here, are you?"
"I could say the same for you. I've never seen anything like you before! Mind if I take some pictures?"
"Go right ahead, Miss, uh..?"
"Film Reel." Figures, thought Ghost. "And yours?"
"Call me Ghost." The Texan spun around slowly while posing, as Film Reel began to shoot. During one of his rotations, he could have sworn he saw Twilight looking out of her window. He couldn't make out if she was laughing or frowning at Ghost, but either way he knew something was afoot, or ahoof in this case.
"Uh, Ghost? You can stop spinning around now." Ghost realised that Film Reel had stopped a few seconds ago, and blushed slightly. "Thanks. This'll be a great story. Might even get me an award!"
"You know what would be better than just a picture or two?" Film Reel shook her head. "An exclusive interview! That'd send you right to the top!" The beaming smile on the pony's face grew three sizes. "Got a notepad or anything?"
"No, but friends say I have a good memory. So, what are you?"
"I'M A CAPITALIST!" Ghost bellowed. "Are you?"
"Well, I wouldn't really consider myself one, no, but th-" Ghost slowly pulled out his Pearl Shooter, and Film Reel stopped talking.
"Why's that?" Film Reel was silent. "Speechless at my manly dominance, eh? Well don't worry." Ghost slowly aimed the barrel at the shaking mare's forehead. "You'll get an interview. The most exclusive one there is!"
Ghost clenched the trigger.

I'm Herder Poe Knees (That's a slanderous lie)

A lot can happen in the blink of an eye.
People can be born, People can die. People can change their minds.
Or, in this case...
...Twilight can fire a purple, pulsating blast from her horn, and knock the Pearl Shooter out of Ghost's hands.
...Ghost can lose his balance, clutch his hand in pain and shock, and fall to the ground, hard.
...Film Reel can trot away, her legs going six to the dozen.
And would you believe that's exactly what happened.
Voosh...BLAM! "AAH, GODDAMMIT!" Cling, cling, THUMP. Clip, clop, clip, clop.
Ghost tried to turn over, but it was to no avail; his arm had gone numb from landing on it. All because of Twilight. Only she would stoop so low. He felt her press down on his body, her hooves trapping him.
"And just what do you think you're doing!?" Twilight shouted. Ghost feebly covered his ear.
"Spreading the capitalist ideology throughout the world," Ghost burbled.
"You're evil. Pure evil. I'd fry you now if I wasn't so nice."
"NICE!? YOU!?" The capitalist tried to laugh, but coughed violently instead. "I hope you get cancer of the horn."
"You call yourself a nice guy!"
"...Was that a 'back at you'? Major fail. You probably didn't even have a personality before your friends came along, and what binds them to you as friends?" Twilight tried to think of a snappy response, but nothing immediately came forward.
Infuriated, Twilight barked, "That's it. I'm through reasoning with you. You want a fight, let's have one."
"Yeah, a duel." Ghost's blood had flowed back into his formerly numb arm, and he shoved Twilight onto her back. She levitated herself upright almost immediately. He grabbed the Pearl Shooter and lobbed it at Twilight. "You take that one, I'll get my other one from the studio. Meet me there in an hour, you'll know how it works by then. Seeya."
"Agreed." Twilight levitated the gun towards her, and walked back into the library. Ghost could have sworn he heard Spike screaming as she entered. Ghost chortled, and walked off back to the studio.

***

It was happening. Just like in his dream, Twilight was duelling him. Fortunately, Ghost had a solution. Play things out, like in the dream. Maybe it'll cause a paradox or something.
Ghost decided to take some calls, to take his mind off things. "603, what's up, Radio Graffiti." Ghost was surprised to hear an 8-bit remix of 'Fuck You Texas'. "I mean, you made an 8-bit of that song, for real? I mean, really? I mean, you made an 8-bit of that goddamn song? That's just stupid."
"Ghost?" Ghost jolted in response.
"Oh, hi, Applejack. Whaddya want?"
"Twilight told me everything. Ah don't want ya to do it."
"I do what I want, because I'm a capitalist. GoatFarmer99, Radio Graffiti."
"Ah brought everypony who wanted to come." This was true: Rarity, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie had all turned up to see Ghost. They all wore worried expressions on their faces, much like Applejack. At his point GoatFarmer99 piped up.
"If you're in Texas, you appreciate the smell of fresh-"
"Ah, shut up, you idiot, alright? SHUT UP! 619, Radio Graffiti."
"You were such a great help back in the Carousel Boutique. You don't need to ruin your reputation by shooting Twilight," Rarity said.
"Ruin my reputation? This'll make it better! Teach her to talk down to a capitalist," Ghost muttered.
"If you're in Texas, you appreciate the smell of butthole or something, you know what I mean?" said 619.
"Ah, shove it up your ass, you stupid, splicing piece of crap, alright? I NEVER SAID THAT, and all the capitalists know it! 215, Radio Graffiti."
"We found someone you might like, Ghost," Fluttershy whimpered, before stepping to the side to allow Film Reel to step past her, and into Ghost's field of vision. Ghost was gobsmacked.
"I masturbate to Alex Jones. Ahahahaha!" 215 played the splice before Ghost disconnected him, not really caring about his precious calls.
"You. What are you doing here? I thought you ran away?" asked Ghost, still in awe.
"I found her crying in the corner of town. I had to help, and she told me you were the cause. I think you need to apologise," Fluttershy demanded, trying to be assertive.
"No, Fluttershy, it's alright. He doesn't have to apologise. I forgive him," Film Reel smiled, taking her hat off with one hoof and rubbing her misty eyes with another.
"You...forgive me? After I treated you like that?" Ghost gasped. Film Reel just nodded. Ghost was dumbstruck. Rather than saying anything, he just got up and hugged her. He didn't know why, but he could feel something growing inside him. "You guys aren't that bad, mostly. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to take some more calls. Skull314, Radio Graffiti."
"Death to niggers! YEEEEAAAAH!" How many splices do these guys have?
"Son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. You know what I'm saying? You son of a bitch. 305, Radio Graffiti."
But 305 never completed his call. At that moment the door burst open, nearly flying off its hinges. Everybody turned around to see Twilight standing there, looking determined, levitating a gun with her horn. "Ready, Ghost?"
"Ghost, it's not too late, you can call this off," Rarity said.
"Come back to the farm," Applejack added.
"Guys, I think you should go. Twilight and I need to be alone." Everypony other than Twilight filed out of the room, looking quite sad.
"Let's begin, Ghost."

It's MY Victory (IT BELONGS TO ME)

Twilight and Ghost stood in the studio, face to face. The capitalist was frowning, while the unicorn stood with a wicked grin on her purple face.
"I take it you know how it works, now?" Ghost asked.
"An hour was more than enough time to figure it out," Twilight responded. Ghost turned around, sorted through the 'crap' on his desk and found his weapon of choice.
It was a silver CZ 75 handgun, with 'Martial Law' engraved on it. Silently, not taking his eyes off Twilight, Ghost loaded the gun. "You loaded yours?" Twilight nodded. "OK, here's what's gonna happen. We both turn around so we're not facing each other. When I count to three, we turn around and shoot each other. Winner is the last one standing. Got it?" Twilight nodded again, before turning around. Play it out, Ghost. This is your lucky day. You're livin' the dream! he thought to himself. Ghost turned around, feeling the coolness of Martial Law with his other hand.
"Are you ready over there?" Twilight asked, impatiently.
"One..." was Ghost's answer. He could hear Twilight trying to lock the Pearl Shooter desperately. A groan escaped her lips as she rattled the revolver in the air. Ghost had a light chuckle.
"Two..." Ghost played it out. He said he would, and he was. He silently turned around, the biggest smile he had ever mustered spreading across his face like wildfire. He positioned the gun to the back of Twilight's head. This could only end one way, with Twilight's brains being splattered out all over the floor of his hand-polished studio. Twilight could briefly feel the cold metal, and knew what was going to happen. She gulped, sighed, and slowly lowered her gun.
Ghost closed his finger around the trigger.
"Thr-"
BANG!

***

Both Ghost and Twilight were not prepared for what happened next.
Rather than penetrating Twilight's skull, killing her instantly, the bullet from Martial Law bounced off of Twilight's head, ricocheted off of the mike and lodged itself into Ghost's left arm. The shock and pain caused him to drop his weapon, where it discharged and shot into the wall. Twilight saw the crack in the studio wall.
"EEEEEEEEEEE!" yelled Ghost, openly bleeding.
At this, Twilight turned around, not sure if Ghost was still holding the gun, and fired. The bullet soared through the air and hit Ghost's left arm again. Ghost heard a small clink, a gasp, "What the hay?", then nothing at all as he blacked out.

***

When Ghost came to, he heard muttering, and could smell blood.
"Ah, good, you're awake!" A pony dressed as a doctor popped his head over Ghost. Oddly enough, it was the same one that had helped him when the lightning bolt struck him. The capitalist soon realised he was once again shirtless.
"The hospital...AGAIN!?" Ghost asked, about to break down in a fit of tears.
"Don't worry, sir. Keep calm and you'll get better a lot quicker. My name is Doctor Stable; if you need anything, give me a shout. We found some of your friends, I'll bring them in for you now." He trotted off, with Ghost moaning and groaning, unable to move his body. Green curtains blocked his view to his left and right, like blinkers for horses, he thought. A clock over the door that Stable had left from read 2:20 in the afternoon. Wow, he'd been unconscious for a while. Applejack came in the room.
"Howdy, Ghost. Ya feelin' OK?"
"No. Twilight shot me! She almost killed me!"
"She can't have. She wouldn't have," Applejack said, shaking her head.
"Well she did. She deserves to be punished! Why, if she was here now..."
"Ghost, she IS here now," Applejack responded, pulling back the curtain to Ghost's right. Twilight was lying on her front, a red mark clearly visible at the back of her head. Ghost's hat was resting on her back.
"Argh, goddammit, she got my hat!" Ghost struggled to get it, but to no avail. "What happened to her anyway?"
"Ah'm glad ya asked!" Applejack smiled.
"Oh, Jesus Christ..." Ghost mumbled.

***

Ghost collapsed to the floor with an "EEEEEEEEEEE!" His hat was knocked off of his head by the impact, and it wafted down, down until it landed atop Twilight's. Just then, Rarity, Fluttershy, Applejack, Film Reel and Pinkie Pie ran into the room, having heard the scream and gunshots.
"What the hay?" Film Reel asked.
"Is anyone hurt?" Pinkie Pie added.
All of their eyes focused onto the image of Ghost, lying dead on the floor, with Twilight wearing his hat and magically levitating his gun. "Twilight...did you shoot Ghost?" Rarity gasped, holding her front hooves to her mouth. Fluttershy looked as if she was about to cry. Twilight just stood there, with a panicked expression on her face, before fainting.

***

"Yeah, that story makes sense, except for one thing," Ghost pondered.
"What's that?" Applejack asked.
"How come the bullets hurt me, but not her?"
"I can answer one of your questions," Doctor Stable replied, re-entering the room. Ghost jolted slightly.
"Jesus Christ, you're givin' me a freakin' heart attack here!"
"Sorry. Well, the bullet you shot into yourself-" Ghost blushed. "-was dislodged by the one Twilight shot at you. If Twilight had missed, I'm afraid you would be dead. Luckily you're not. That act of kindness just saved your life."
"How'd'ja hear that?" Applejack asked.
"I was just walking past when I heard you."
"Can you just leave me alone for a bit, here, Doctor?" Stable nodded, and took himself outside.
"Ah think I can answer one as well. But ya won't like it."
"I wanna know, don't leave me on a freakin' cliffhanger here! Why didn't my bullet kill her?"

True Capitalist To The Soul (till the bullet hole)

Applejack sighed a deep sigh, for the news that was about to unfold was horrifying. Worse yet, she couldn't tell a lie.
"Okay, here goes."

***

"Back when you were hit by that lightning bolt, Pinkie and I decided ta run your broadcast for a bit, send out SOS signals, ya know that part."
"So why are you telling me it?" Ghost snarkily responded.
"But what ya didn't know," Applejack carried on, "is that Pinkie got a great idea about running it."
"I'm afraid to ask."
"Ya don't have ta. She suggested that we should browse your archives ta see how you ran True Capitalist Radio, ya know, ta 'keep up continuity' as she put it. But doin' so came at a great cost." Ghost rolled his eyes. "While Pinkie went ta get a barrel of apple juice, I had a listen ta some, and I was surprised."
"Those were splices! I don't like raping retarded people!"
"No, no, no, not that one. As ah recall, the caller was called 'TBoss', and ah could hear mahself singing' Winter Wrap Up, and then ya called him a brony. Ah think-" Applejack choked, "ah think ah know what a brony is."
"So, you mean you know...what you really are?" Ghost asked, eyes bulging. Applejack nodded, took her hat off, placed it over her face and started sobbing, silently. "I'm so sorry, Applejack." The pony leaned over the hospital bed, and Ghost found himself hugging her. He felt that something inside him grow again. He was sure now that it was compassion. "I mean, I know it must be hard for you, but now you know what you are, you can't tell anypony else." Ghost deliberately said 'anypony' to try and cheer Applejack up, but it wasn't working.
"All of mah friends aren't real...nopony is...but at least now I know why Twilight didn't die by your bullet."
"Why's that?"
"Think about it. If we're all livin' in a cartoon, then there must be someone drawin' us, controllin' our every move. Maybe they didn't want Twilight to die. Because they have no control over you, only you could be shot."
"That makes sense, but one thing bugs me: If they have control over you, why do you think they allow you to know you're in a cartoon?"
Applejack wiped her eyes with her front left hoof, and put her hat back on with her right. "Ah don't know. Ah don't really want to think about it any more." Ghost released his hold on Applejack, and the two stood awkwardly for 30 seconds or so.
"Want to take some calls, to take your mind off the situation?" Applejack nodded again. "Then let's get outta here. Gimme my hat."

***

"718, Radio Graffiti," Ghost spoke, as he gently rubbed Applejack's head. The two were making a bond, like Laurel and Hardy, Greyfriars Bobby and that stupid old guy, and trolls and True Capitalist Radio.
"You know, who gives a crap about my son? He's the fruity-ass, fruitbowl, gay, bastard-"
"Look, I already told you idiots not to talk about my son and not to talk about my granny, NOT TO TALK ABOUT MY FAMILY! Uh, 971, Radio Graffiti."
"All I want for Christmas is your hambone penis going into my butthole," quipped a young, male voice on the other end.
"Urgh, Jesus CHRIST! Are you kidding me? JESUS SICK! YOU'RE SICK! 610, Radio Graffiti."
"I'm gonna have my grandmother do the black guy handshake-"
"Shut up, shut up, shut up. 971, Radio Graffiti." Ghost glanced at Applejack. She still didn't feel any better. Ghost pouted.
"Ghost's grandma is in the Illuminati," said a male voice.
"Oh, now my grandma's in the Illuminati, yeah, that's great. Here's the Illuminati guy, where the hell have you been?"
"I've been on vacation, back to my home in Germany."
"Oh, yeah? I mean, isn't that where the Illuminati's based, the Bavarian Secret Societies?"
"I'm pretty sure I don't know."
"Ah, you're an idiot, that's why you don't know, you don't know shit from Shinola 'cos you're an idiot, alright, 512, Radio Graffiti!" An extremely loud buzzer played over Ghost's voice as soon as he put the caller on. Ghost stumbled around for a bit, shocked at the noise. Applejack leapt up into the air in response to it, and Ghost managed to catch her, but put her down a second later. "Dammit, you stupid jerk! 443, Radio Graffiti."
"I mean, hell, I mean, in my personal opinion, Rainbow Dash is a good piece of ass."
"Goddammit, man, enough of these goddamn stupid remixes, man, enough of the splices! Enough of the splices! 559, Radio Graffiti." Ghost looked down, and noticed Applejack had gone. Eh. Another loud buzzer played. Ghost slammed down on the table, which played his outro. What a stroke of luck! He was going to go and find Applejack anyway. Where could she have gone?
She can't have gone back to the farm. that was too far away. She could be at any one of her friends' houses! Argh, friends can be annoying sometimes. At least they're regular.
...Like Tubguy, and CelticBrony, and FlamingNippleChop, and As-
No, that wasn't right. They're trolls! Cyber-vermin! They can't be my friends, can they?
But Ghost didn't think about it for very much longer, as a blunt object hit him in the side of the head, and he slumped down onto his desk.

Thank you very much for tuning in, everybody (I'M OUTTA HERE)

Oddly, the object didn't knock Ghost out. He was still fully conscious, and fully angry. He whirled around to see what the object was. A small stone, slightly bigger than a pebble. He looked towards the door and shouted "WHAT THE CRAP WAS THAT FOR?" at the exact same time, and couldn't believe his eyes.
Standing there was Rarity. She had thrown a rock at him. The poshest, most regal, most dignified pony he'd met just threw a rock at him. If she wanted to throw rocks at someone, she would be better throwing them at someone who WASN'T angry pretty much 24/7. He demanded an explanation.
"You? What the-why the fuck did you throw this shit at me?" He grabbed the projectile in his right hand, and Rarity flinched slightly.
"Hm, let's see..." She paused a moment to think. Gee, she was acting suspiciously. "You're a fat...hambone, was it? And you smell of old cider." Ghost felt a vein pop in his neck.
"Wh-WHAT!?"
"You heard me. Or do I need Pinkie Pie to say it again?" At this moment, as soon as Rarity said her name, the ever-hyperactive pink pony burst from the shadows behind Rarity and leapt forwards.
"You're a big, jelly hambone, Ghostler! And not one of those tasty jellies either," Pinkie blabbered, Ghost turning purple. "I'm talking about one of those sour jellies with floating fruit in the middle. Ugh, floating sour fruit is the worst!" Ghost clenched his fists, his arms searching behind him for a can or something to use to hit the taunting ponies. However, whilst scrabbling around, he accidentally managed to start the show up again, and simultaneously play "World In My Eyes" by Depeche Mode, so everybody who was still listening to the show could hear it.
At this point, Rainbow Dash crashed through the roof, a brief expression of pain on her her face. With a resigned voice, she took a deep breath and said "Chante, chante! Chante chante chante!" over and over again to the beat of the song. Suddenly, as Ghost was about to react, Twilight popped through the door and flared up her horn. Ghost felt he no longer had control of his body; his hands were being magically pulled this way and that so that he was actually not on the ground, but made to look like he was dancing. Fluttershy looked down through the hole in the ceiling and took one look at the dancing Capitalist.
"My, Ghost, you're really fruiting up!" she squeaked in that adorable little voice of hers. Ghost was now crimson/scarlet, and was about to blow a fuse.
Then Twilight fell over and started laughing, and all hell broke loose.
When Twilight hit the ground, she was temporarily distracted, giving Ghost the use of his body back. Of course, the first thing he did was to turn around, slapping Rainbow Dash in the face, who was halfway through a "chante". The cyan-coloured pegasus fell to the ground. Twilight stopped laughing.
Next in his rampage was Fluttershy. He whizzed around a full 360 degrees, picking up a can and throwing it at the timid mare. She hurriedly flew away. The can fell back down in front of Ghost's face, and he caught it in his hand. He hurled it at Twilight, who was self-righting, and the can managed, by sheer luck, to land on the end of Twilight's horn. She tried, and she tried, but no magic could be cast past the end of the can-it was almost as if the strange, new material that Twilight had found was a magic eliminator of some sorts.
Suddenly, Ghost took a blow to the back of his head, and fell onto his front. He turned himself onto his back, grunting heavily, as Rainbow Dash hit him in his face while standing on top of him. Ghost grabbed Rainbow's neck with his left hand, and with his right, threw her off of him. She landed on the floor with a groan. Standing up, the Capitalist grabbed Rainbow's body and threw her out of the hole in the ceiling.
In a final fit of rage, Ghost grabbed the nearest projectile he could find-the microphone, that had been lying at his feet since Rainbow burst through the roof-to launch at a gawking Pinkie Pie and Rarity.
"I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL, YOU USELESS SACKS OF CRAAAAA-" Ghost bellowed. Slightly averting his gaze, he could see a crying Applejack in the distance. At least, he thought she was crying. He couldn't really tell. "AAAAApplejack?" He released his grip on the mike. Pinkie flinched, but Rarity just sat there, frozen in fear and astonishment.
Suddenly the microphone burst to life with 1000 volts of electricity. Time in the studio seemed to slow down, and the space around the mike warped slightly. Ghost cocked his head in confusion, but it didn't last long, because half a second later, the entire building disappeared into thin air.
Applejack smiled.
"Ah knew it would work."

***

When Ghost came to, he quickly realised he wasn't in his studio. But he'd read somewhere that if you were in an unknown environment, you should always check your senses for clues.
Sight: Ghost could barely see his own hand in front of his face. Not much help there.
Hearing: He couldn't hear anything. He thought he could hear monkey noises, but that was probably his over-active brain.
Taste: The capitalist stuck out his tongue and waggled it around. Not much to be learned there.
Smell: Apart from himself, he couldn't smell anything but a light cedar smell.
Touch: He tried reaching his arms out as far as they could go, but they could only extend up to the elbow, and only for one arm. The walls felt like they were made of wood. Running his hands over whatever parts of his body he could, he felt that his existing injuries, such as Rainbow Dash's combo back in Ponyville, had all healed up.
From these facts, Ghost drew up one logical conclusion: If Equestria is under Earth, there must be nothing under Equestria.
Ghost had reached the end of the universe.
Two minutes later, Ghost ran out of ideas, and tried to reposition himself in the wooden box, which may or may not be the end of the universe. He noticed a small hole which was over his head when he was checking his senses. He could only fit his hand up to the wrist through it. Pretty soon, Ghost decided to hum something. As he was humming the "Junkyard America" theme song, he tapped his feet in time without realising he was doing it.
Suddenly Ghost felt as if he was falling. Rather quickly, in fact. It was only for a couple of seconds, but once he landed, he was ejected forcefully from the structure with an eyeful of extremely bright light.
"What's going on?"
"Ooh, who are you?"
"AAARGH!"
"Woah, a new human!"
Ghost's eyes slowly readjusted to the light. "Argh, what the hell's goin' on here? I-Oh, Jesus Christ." Ghost's sight sense now told him that he was in a pet shop of sorts. Around him were several multi-coloured animals of various sorts: Everything from pandas to skunks to dogs were there.
"Okay, everyone, back away from the visitor, we don't know how-" An orange hedgehog started. Ghost screamed in response. Several of the animals screamed back, and some ran away. His sense of hearing hadn't failed him.
"WHAT THE HELL!? You can TALK!?" Ghost asked.
"Wait, you can understand us too?" it replied.
"What do you mean, 'too'? Who else can talk to animals? Eliza from the Wild freakin' Thornberries?" Ghost scoffed.
"We'll get to that later, Mister..?"
Ghost gagged. "Conquest. John Conquest. What am I doing...wherever 'here' is?" Suddenly a TV screen in the corner of the room flashed to life. A young girl in her teens with an alarmingly big head appeared on-screen. Several animals ran over to it.
"Is this thing working?" it asked.
"Hi Blythe!" cheered a green lizard.
"Hey Vinnie!" Blythe smiled back. Ghost's right eye twitched. That girl had a very familiar voice...it almost sounded like...but it couldn't possibly...Rainbow Dash? Ghost hurriedly shifted his attention back to the hedgehog.
"So, who are you, and where am I?"
"I'm sorry, how rude of me. My name is Russell Ferguson. Welcome to Littlest Pet Shop!" Ghost's eye twitched again.
"Could you excuse me for a moment?" Ghost requested. Russell nodded his head as the capitalist silently walked out of the day-camp area. An elderly woman started speaking to Ghost on the way out, but Ghost was too pent-up to notice what she was saying. He left the shop, dropped to his knees, raised his head and his clenched fists and simply said...
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

You've been listening to True Capitalist Radio. The thoughts, views, ideas, comments and opinions of the host of this show are...absolutely his.
Catch more live episodes Monday through Friday from 3:330 to 6:30 central, or check out archive shows at blogtalkradio.com.
TRUE CAPITALIST RADIO.
"That's it!"

After-Show (Aagayah gah aah AARGH)

Sorry for the troll ending in the last chapter, I was trying to throw you milky-lickers off the scent.
This is the real ending, or rather the continuation of the plot (oh, my!).
Enjoy again.

When Ghost awoke, he was still in his studio. He glanced around and took a big sniff. A VERY burnt mike was laying on the floor, and the stench of stale Johnny Walker hung in the air like a thick cloud of fog. Ghost idly noticed the gaping hole in his studio wall, and dimly wondered if his insurer would pay for it. Groggily, the capitalist stumbled up off of the floor, dragged a hand across his face, rubbed his eyes and stumbled over to the control panel, slumping down in his seat, one of the few things in the room that wasn't totalled. Ghost could feel a faint breeze blowing on his face, reviving him a little. He limply reached down with one hand and grabbed the microphone off of the floor, and with the other he grabbed a full can of Blue Label and pulled off the ring in one quick motion, like he was used to. He took a swig, basking in its pleasure, grateful to taste the precious amber he'd been rationing the days before.
Wait a minute. Where was the breeze coming from?
Hastily swallowing his mouthful of booze, Ghost stood up and licked his finger before putting it up in the air. It worked in the cartoons, he figured, so it should work here.
Oh, the window.
The window!
Ghost took a stride over to the window and braced himself. For all he knew the trolls could still be there.
Craning his neck out of the window he saw nothing. It was a beautiful day, though. Barely a cloud in the sky. And not a fruitbowl in sight! He turned around and took a look at his computer. It was working fine. Thank god! That was a very expensive PC he won in an epic nine-hour karaoke match with a Mexican guy named Darrell. Who says capitalism doesn't pay? Morons, that's who.
He loaded up Twitter, and found a couple of ~~persistent trolls~~ dedicated listeners that were tweeting him non-stop for answers on where he was. Amongst them were UnclePooptickle, NoteParty, PrivatePoopMcTickle, AlexTheDJ, CelestiaRadio and CapitalistBrony.
Ghost wondered if True Capitalist Radio would ever work again since his visit to Ponyland. Hesitantly pushing a button, he wondered if the trolls had thought him dead. The clock on the wall read four minutes past three in the afternoon. If just one person was listening to his broadcast...
"Uh, testing. Testing." Ghost spoke. He didn't slur his words, although they lacked any sort of real motivation. "Am I on the air here?"
Ghost waited for about a minute before determining that nobody was there. He idly drummed his fingers on his desk and sighed. When you're by yourself, you get really bored. No trolls. No ponies. Just him. Well, him and the Engineer, but he's not much for conversation. Peeved, Ghost typed "Might as well make the most of my #BallerFriday: Join me now for the return of True Capitalist Radio! #Capitalism" and hit send, before regretting what he just did.
"Aw, crap. Look at the time, fer Christ's sake! It's dollar you call it day on Sixth Street!" But the chatroom was slowly filling up, and Ghost knew he was already in too deep, even with just one caller. "Oh, great. 508, Radio Graffiti," Ghost grumbled with a resigned tone of voice.
"Hey Ghost," a male voice said, "I know you're a BRONY!"
"I'm not a goddamn brony. I know you idiots wish, I-I know that you're probably, you know, putting a couple of pieces of large furniture in your anal passage, you know, fantasizing about me, uh, potentially being a brony but eh-no. ABSOLUTELY NOT. EVER. 612, what's up, Radio goddamn Graffiti."
"I think you need to learn about the magic of friendship," said another male voice with even more bass in his voice than Ghost himself.
"Eh, you know, you know what? You can take your goddamn brony friendship and you can shove it back in that 1979 San Fransisco bathhouse WHERE IT BELONGS!" Ghost snarled. "Uh, we got KingOKhan, Radio Graffiti."
"Sweet Caroline...fruitcake never tasted so great...I've been inclined...better than anything Ghost's gran-ny used to-" sang a fruity voice.
"Shut up, you idiots, alright? And I hate that broad's fruitcake, I HATE CAROLINE'S FRUITCAKE and stop throwing it in my face; I don't have to see that skank until next year so shut it. 512, Radio Graffiti."
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-" droned 512.
"Austin Vibrator for Christ's sake, goddammit. 619, Radio Graffiti."
"-legal in Texas to shoot niggers from helicopters, which sounds fun to me." A splice.
"You son of a bitch. I never said that, you splicing prick, alright? 540, Radio Graffiti." Ghost took a swig of beer.
"Eh, you know what, I don't really give a crap what you say about my grandmother, alright; you ain't gonna hurt my feelings about that bitch." It was a splice, but a splice done by a great troll, so well done that it sounded as if Ghost himself had said it. Well, he had, but you know what I mean.
"You STUPID SORRY SACKS O-" Ghost ploughed his fists into his can supply, and noticed a yellow tint to the building's walls. Within seconds of noticing it, however, the building once again vanished into thin air, leaving nothing but the smell of the rotting carcass of a small animal in its place. Ghost had a sickening feeling he knew where he'd end up this time.

It's my first day back! (Look at how these assholes are treatin' me)

Ghost opened his eyes, and inhaled through his nose, the smell of freshly-baked pastries and fragrant flowers filling his nostrils, confirming his suspicions: He was once again in Ponyville. He heard a very deep laugh coming from outside.
"Ah, Jesus Christ, what's goin' on now? Are they expectin' me? How did I get here?"

***

An hour earlier, word had reached Twilight Sparkle via Princess Celestia that Discord, the Spirit of Chaos himself, was due to be coming to Ponyville, at his request, to check on Fluttershy. Twilight and the girls had been cautioned to deal with any insubordination as quickly and effectively as possible. When he arrived in a puff of smoke 55 minutes later, he had stretched himself to truly gigantic proportions, his head as big as Twilight's Golden Oak Library, and the population of Ponyville were furious with him, particularly the Mane Six, which only made Discord's smile wider. How he loved making everypony annoyed, how he laughed when they tried in vain to fight back.
"Discord, we know you're only doing this for the reaction you expect us to get. But you have to settle down," Fluttershy said, a look of disapproval on her face, "or there'll be trouble!"
Discord chuckled and closed his eyes.
"Hey! She's talking to you, buster!" yelled Rainbow Dash, hovering overhead. Discord reflexively grabbed her with one hand, covering her whole body, and snapped his fingers with his other hand. When Discord opened his hand, Rainbow Dash was still okay...but a little shocked to discover that she now had huge bouquets of flowers in place of her wings.
"Discoooord! Put her wings back to normal right now!" Twilight shouted, and stomped a hoof in protest. Discord gleefully put a hand over his mouth, barely covering his large smirk.
"Oh, Twilight, you're no fun at all. Come on, doesn't she look nicer? And I bet she smells nicer too. Honeysuckle and lavender, mmm, a delightful combination!"
Rarity sniffed, the overbearing smell of Rainbow's wings being amplified every time she flapped in place. "Why don't you do anything GENEROUS with your magic, Discord? You could stand to learn a lesson from me!" she said.
"Oh, but I DO!" Discord said, a slight frown on his face. "Why, generosity is my middle name! Dis Generosity Cord!"
"If you're so generous, change my wings back!" Rainbow growled.
"Oh, fine. Your sense of humour must have taken a sick day." Discord once again grabbed Rainbow Dash in his paw, concentrated, and then opened it up again. There was Rainbow Dash, her wings still in bloom.
"MY NOSE IS ITCHING!" Pinkie shouted. Applejack ducked behind her hat as a swarm of bees flew over to Rainbow Dash's alluring wings, predicted by the mysterious Pinkie Sense.
"You can't blame me for that, Pink Pie. Those bees were just doing what came naturally," Discord laughed.
"It's Pink-IE Pie, mister!"
"You sure look like a Pink Pie to me."
All eyes were on Pinkie, as Discord had indeed turned her body into...a pink pie.
"AAAAAAH!" Pinkie screamed. "I don't like gravy!" Discord doubled over with laughter, throwing his head back and nearly squashing the pony behind him.
"You said you'd change Rainbow's wings back, not make Pinkie into a pie!" Twilight bellowed. "Fix this now or so help us-"
Discord lazily snapped his fingers, half a smirk upon his face. A very large, cuboid-shaped object materialised into view, with a yellowish tinge to it. Once it had fully appeared, Discord laughed a very deep laugh, followed by an "Oh?" A noise coming from the object sounded like a gruff voice saying: "What's goin' on now? Are they expectin' me?"
"Oh no." Applejack gulped.

***

Ghost got to his feet and left his studio, bracing himself for what he was about to encounter. Nothing could've prepared him for what he saw.
As well as four of those FREAKIN' ponies that had caused him so much grief, there was a giant, screaming pie with a face, a puffy tail and hooves, a flying florist's shop being attacked by a hive of bees, and a giant serpent thing with a Cheshire Cat-like smile.
"Wow, this place really hit the pits while I've been away...for eleven minutes." Ghost checked his watch, which had stopped. "How long has it been for you?"
"A year or so," Twilight replied, calmly, but with a hoof over her face. "Let me introduce you to Discord, Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony. He brought you here."
"You better have a good reason for that, there, ya hambone lizard," Ghost scowled.
"Your arrival was a complete accident. I, ahem, wasn't concentrating," Discord shrugged.
"Well concentrate harder and SEND ME BACK, DAMMIT!"
"Oh, but..." Discord waved his hand around in a circle. "I didn't get your name."
"I'm Ghost. But the fruity ones call me John Conquest."
"But Ghost," Discord continued, "why would you want to go back? You don't seem happy when you're there."
Wow, either that was a very good guess, or he can ready my mind or somethin', thought Ghost in astonishment. Hey, if you can read my mind, say "take ten steps away from my buttcrack" so you can prove it! After a couple of seconds, Ghost shook his head.
"No? Well I can make you happier. Would you like that?"
"Yeah, sure, if it gets me away from these ponies."
"SO BE IT!" Discord yelled, removed Ghost's hat, and tapped him on the head with a claw. Ghost felt his life force draining away, and his whole world became gray.
"Oh no," Fluttershy whimpered.
Ghost pulled a drunk, "shit-eating" grin before falling forwards onto the dirt road. Discord laughed and vanished with a click of his fingers.

I'M A CAPITALIST BRONY! (MYYY LITTLE PONY)

Fluttershy and Applejack dashed over to Ghost's seemingly lifeless body. It was fairly monochrome before, but with the addition of Discord's influence, it was even greater.
"Ghost? Are ya okay?" Applejack asked, concerned. Fluttershy prodded the body with a trembling hoof.
"He's out cold," Fluttershy said to nobody in particular. Applejack began biting at his trouser leg in a desperate attempt to move him.
"Fluttershy, I need your help for a minute. Can you see if you can fly Ghost to your cottage and try and fix 'im up?"
"Um, okay. For you, Applejack. But I might need your help with him too. I don't think he likes me very much." Fluttershy squeaked.
"Of course, Fluttershy. If he just gets too much for ya, you just come a hollerin'." Applejack hugged Fluttershy briefly, then turned and trotted into the studio.
"HEY! What about us!?" Rainbow Dash shouted, attempting to bat off the swarm of bees as Fluttershy flew off, the rather heavy Texan in her hooves.
Twilight and Rarity exchanged worried glances.
"Maybe I can help? I have been studying up on changing an object's form," Twilight announced. "So fair I've only used it to change apples into oranges, but I'm sure if I focus my energy a little harder than I did previously it should have you both back to normal in no time!"
"Me first, please!" Rainbow yelled, ruffling her bouquets ineffectively.
Twilight aimed her horn and it started to glow the faintest shade of purple. Rainbow Dash tried to remain motionless, but it was very hard with nearly the whole hive going after her. After a few seconds, Twilight's horn glowed brightly and fired at Rainbow Dash, temporarily stunning her. As the area around Rainbow Dash cleared, Pinkie's nose stopped itching, and the pegasus' wings were back to normal, with a small flowery headband around her forehead as a memento. She quickly removed it and threw it behind herself before flying away.
"Me next! Me next!" Pinkie cried out.
"I'm sorry, Pinkie, that spell's got me a little worn out. It's going to take me a while to recover. In the meantime, why don't you just stay hidden?" Twilight said, rubbing her horn. "I bet if a bird saw you it wouldn't be able to resist itself." Pinkie sped into the library with a nod.

***

It was a little while later that Ghost and Fluttershy finally arrived at her cottage. They had to take a few breaks, as Ghost was simply too much for her slender frame to carry. Fluttershy dropped Ghost onto her sofa, sighing with relief. She gently flew into the kitchen to get something for Ghost to eat, when it struck her that she had no idea what the dietary needs of a human was.
"Don't you worry, little homo. I'll find you something, you'll see!"
Almost instantly Ghost woke up, albeit something had changed within him. He didn't quite feel like the Texan he was before as he yawned and stretched. This caught Fluttershy's attention.
"Oh, Ghost! You're awake! Do you want anything to eat?" Fluttershy asked, smiling. She had to be a good host, after all, even if her guest wasn't.
"Um, do you have any tiger shrimp?" Ghost asked. Fluttershy's eyes widened. Ghost's voice had shifted about three octaves upwards, and he sounded, quite frankly, fruity. Of course, Ghost didn't notice the change at all.
"Um, yes! I'll just, uh, go get some for you." Fluttershy opened a cabinet and found the bucket of chum used to feed her otter friends. There had to be a couple of tiger shrimps in there somewhere.
Meanwhile, Ghost was prancing around Fluttershy's living room, humming "World In My Eyes" by Depeche Mode, much to the amusement of Angel and his fellow animal friends.
Fluttershy heard Angel's little laugh and came back into the living room with a plate of tiger shrimp.
"Here you go, Ghost! Tiger shrimp, just like you asked for."
Ghost grabbed the plate and said "Oh, thanks Fluttershy!" before sitting down again. Fluttershy wanted to burst out laughing again, but it wouldn't have been polite. She certainly wasn't expecting Ghost to hug her, and wondered what possessed him to do so briefly, before hugging him back.
I guess this will be easier than I expected, thought Fluttershy.

***

Applejack snooped around the studio, looking for the microphone, to see if she could send Ghost back again, like she did last time. It almost pained her to do so, but she knew it was for his own good. Hunting about, she only managed to find a couple of open beer cans, one of which was still full. No trace of a microphone anywhere.
Man, that stuff smells strange, Applejack thought. What does Ghost see in it?
Hesitantly, but curiously, she sat down in Ghost's chair, and grabbed a can in her hooves. It was difficult to handle.
"Well, why not. What harm could it possibly do?"
Applejack tipped some of the the Johnny Walker Blue Label into her mouth, a small sliver trailing down her cheek. Instantly the orange pony felt very groggy and dizzy. Yet she wanted more. Some more of that-
"No, Applejack. Just remember the...uh..." Applejack scratched her head in confusion. "What was I doing again?"
Applejack tried desperately to remember what exactly she was doing. She knew it was something important, but she couldn't quite place it. As she tapped her hoof on the switchboard, she had a realisation.
Of course, Applejack. You're in the chair in the studio. You were probably gonna give shoutouts.
That was a perfectly logical explanation.
True Capitalist Radio went live in the next minute.

I'm fruitin' up (It's what I do!)

"5...16, Radio Gurfeety," Applejack slurred. The amount of Johnny Walker Blue Label she had consumed in the past 20 minutes had taken its toll on the young mare, and she was stumblin' over her own tongue like a troll would. She had since moved on from taking shoutouts to start Radio Graffiti, the show's popularity spreading like wildfire as the bronies realised Applejack was on the other end.
"Oh, Applejack, don't talk to me without my coffee!" chuckled a male voice.
"Shuttup. 215, Raydio Grafeeti."
"Asho, is Goofy Bone your dad? Oh my!" said TubGuy.
"This is this-are you calling me from the tub again?" Applejack had had TubGuy call up before, but she wasn't as drunk as she was now.
"When the hell do I not call you from the tub, Applejack?"
"Take this a-GET 'IM OFF!" Applejack yelled. "Why're ya even listening ta me in the tub?" However, TubGuy had already hung up. "718, Rayjo Graffidi."
"Gee, it sure is boring around here!"
"Mah boi! This peace is what all-"
"Yeah, well get outta here, GET OUT, then! GET OUT! Nobody asked yadda be here anyways!" Applejack interrupted. She put a hoof to her forehead in frustration, still forgetting her other priorities.

***

Meanwhile, back at Fluttershy's cottage, Ghost was becoming a minor annoyance. Fluttershy had pressed him for information about other members of his race out of curiosity.
"I am an over-feminised fruitbowl, I mean look at my over-feminised physical attributes!" Fluttershy looked even more concerned than usual: Ghost didn't usually act or talk like this.
"Ghost, are you feeling okay?" Fluttershy pressed a hoof to his forehead. "Hmm. You don't have a temperature."
Ghost grabbed Fluttershy and lifted her up. "Oh, Fluttershy, I'm sorry about being such a racist to all you ponies." Fluttershy's eyes grew wide.
"Um, that's fine, really," Fluttershy said, trying to break free of the hug.
"No, I mean it! I've been so mean to you all! I guess I just got off on the wrong foot-erm, hoof. I'm sorry, Fluttershy."
Fluttershy contemplated calling Applejack for help, she was only a stone's throw away. But something inside of her felt touched by Ghost's speech, and she decided to let him stay for the moment.
"Hey, Fluttershy? Do you think I'm sexy enough in this outfit?"
ABORT ABORT ABORT ABORT ABORT ABORT
Fluttershy screamed as loudly as she could for help before running back to the studio. Once there, she began pounding on the door, calling out for Applejack. Unfortunately, all she could hear inside was an "I HATE YOU TOO!" Fluttershy kept knocking in earnest, unaware that someone was sneaking around behind her.
In her mad dash to call Applejack, Fluttershy had forgotten to close and lock the door to her cottage, causing the fruity Texan to follow suit after her. He had been pursuing her for quite a while, but then she started knocking on the door to a grimy, horrible-looking building, which disgusted Ghost to the point of considering heading into another property with an almost non-existant, high-pitched "Hello...what have we here?"

***

"Pinkie Pie, stop moving about so much," scolded Twilight. Spike was in front of her, holding an open book, detailing how to return Pinkie's pastry physique back into her normal form. "This requires total concentration from both of us."
The bright pink pony nodded her head. Rarity stood a little way back from Twilight, worriedly watching what was about to happen. She'd heard stories of Twilight accidentally turning other creatures into oranges, and if this went wrong then Pinkie Pie would almost certainly follow them. Rarity snickered at the thought of an Orangie Pie, before snapping right back to being worried for her friend.
Pinkie Pie herself was more than ready for the spell, and could not wait to be returned back to the form of a pony again. She glanced at Owlowiscious, who eyed Pinkie hungrily. Pinkie gulped, and resumed her position by the door. If only Rainbow Dash was here, she'd sort that owl out in a flash. Pinkie's attention was now on Twilight as she charged her magic, her eyes closed and her horn glowing a very vicious shade of purple...

***

Ghost could hear someone muttering inside the house, and, excited at the prospect of making new friends, threw open the door. Pinkie was on the other side of it, and was sent flying over to Rarity. Twilight opened her eyes just long enough to see the figure step through the door, but it was too late to stay her spell now. She fired, hitting Ghost in the chest, sending him flying backwards, out the door and through the studio's window. Fluttershy gasped in horror at seeing the speeding body, and looked in the direction it came from. Rarity's mouth was hung agape, and Twilight had her head in her hooves, sat down. Pinkie looked like she was on the verge of tears, Spike hugging her to try and calm her down.

***

Meanwhile, inside the studio, Applejack was still quite angry and drunk. She had just finished yelling at Debi Daly when something smashed through the window, knocking Applejack to the floor. Angrily, she turned around to look at the mysterious object, which appeared to be moving slightly. The digits on its hands were retracting, its ears were changing shape, and its eyes were growing wider by the second. The ugly nose on the thing was smoothing out into a muzzle, and its skin was changing colour...or was that the fur sprouting from its body? Its smile grew large as a tail managed to sprout from its backside. Elsewhere, the being's brown hair was growing out into a full-out blonde mane, flowing crazily from under its hat. Applejack rubbed her eyes as the creature turned from greyscale back into full colour. It lifted its head and opened its eyes fully, took one look at Applejack and collapsed.
Applejack nearly did herself, instead deciding to watch in astonishment as the Texan pony rested on the glass-covered floor.

My Little Ghosty (Are you kiddin' me?)

Ghost woke up, a familiar set of characters surrounding him: Twilight, Rarity, Fluttershy (who had a hoof on Ghost's neck), Spike, some sort of pink fruitcake (and Ghost HATED fruitcake) and an orange pony, with a couple of beer cans in front of it. Suddenly, as if on cue, Ghost's belly rumbled.
"Be...eeer..." he moaned, reaching towards Applejack, but unable to grab one as Fluttershy was still pressing him down.
"Now, now, Ghost. What's the magic word?" Fluttershy asked, staring at him, blocking his view.
"...ferchristsakes..." Ghost pushed Fluttershy away and went over to his beer supply on shaky legs. Behind him he could hear Twilight, Rarity and Spike murmuring amongst themselves. Ghost caught a "Who's gonna tell him?" from Twilight.
Ghost plodded forwards, next to Applejack (wondering when she'd grown so much), grabbed an ice-cold Johnny Walker, opened it and downed the whole thing in one go.
Of course, that's what he wanted to happen. Fate had other ideas.
As he tried to grab the beverage, his eyes bleary and half-open, he swatted it off the table and it landed on the floor with a CLINK! The capitalist cursed to himself, and walked over to it again. Once he reached it, he went out to grab it, only for it to, again, roll away from him, this time its destination was at the hooves of the two unicorns. This time, Ghost audibly cursed a rather loud and tired "Piece'a CRAP!"
Rarity looked at Twilight, who was worried about Ghost. Fluttershy and Spike had backed away to safety, both scared now that Ghost had awoken. Ghost shot a hateful look directly into Twilight's eyes. Twilight's horn flared lavender, and Ghost's jaw dropped to the floor once the spell had been completed.
In front of him stood a glowing mirror. And the reflection of a pony incarnate of himself that he'd seen floating around "the internets" had its mouth wide open right back at him. Ghost lifted his right hand. The reflection lifted its left hoof. And then both of them started screaming.
Approximately two minutes of screaming later, Ghost put a shaky hoof in front of his face, so he could see the true extent of the change without a mirror to help him.
"What did you fruitbowl ponies DO to me!?" Ghost yelled.
"I'm afraid that was my fault," said Twilight, calmly. Figures, thought Ghost. She's always had it out for me. "I tried to return Pinkie here back to her normal pony form, but you got in the way...and I guess I turned you into a pony instead. But it's only temporary: In a little while I'll be able to return you back to normal!"
"NO FAIR!" Pinkie shouted. "I was first in line! You gotta wait your turn, John!"
"Make that a long while," Twilight shrugged.
"How. Long." growled Ghost through gritted teeth, pissed off at Pinkie for reminding him that she had to call him John Conquest because she was afraid of ghosts.
"A couple of hours," Twilight lied. If she was going to return Pinkie to normal first, Ghost would have to be done tomorrow morning at the earliest. "For the time being, you should try and get used to your new form." Ghost turned around to look at Applejack, beer stained around her maw.
"Screw that! Look at Twitter! They can hear me, and all of you, and I'm getting even more popular than before! This is a glorious moment for True Capitalist Radio, and you goddamn ponies may have ruined my Baller Friday by turning me into one o' you, but you won't ruin my Radio Graffiti! Now GEDDOUTTAHERE!" Spike, Rarity and Fluttershy instantly ran out, followed by the happy canter of Pinkie, and Twilight's slow trot, her eyes rolling. Applejack didn't move an inch. Ghost smiled at her. "Let's start this, and let's start it..."
"...RIGHT NOW!" they both shouted.

***

"617, Radio Graffiti." Ghost's clear voice cut through the stale air. Most of the calls beforehand (or should that be "beforehoof"?) were about Ghost's current state. Ghost refused to answer each one.
"Ghost," came a male voice from a lively club, "ah, I hope you win that Shorty Award so you can come down to New York City and finally SUUUUCK MAH DIIIICK! HAHAAA!"
"God...DAMN ALL OF YOU!" Ghost launched his hooves into his sealed cans, which seemed more natural now that he learned he couldn't pick them up (or open them) with his hands any more. Instead, Applejack had been teaching him how to do it with his tongue and teeth. While finding it completely disgusting, he really needed his beer. "Take about ten steps away from my freakin' buttcrack with this talk! 214, Radio Graffiti." The sounds of an organ could be heard. High-quality, clearly not a recording. "WOO! We got a True Organist here, baby!" The organist played a few more notes before Ghost finally realised just what it was playing. "OH, HE'S PLAYIN' JUNKYARD AMERICA, BABY! HE'S PLAYIN' JUNKYARD AMERICA, HAHAHAHAHAAAA! Thanks man, thanks for playing Junkyard America. 815, Radio Graffiti."
"Hey Ghost, how ya doin'?" asked a deep voice.
"How's it goin'?"
"Makin' tofu right now."
"Oh, Jesus Christ, tofu, are you kiddin' me, wha-what are you, some kind of a fruit? 313, Radio Graffiti."
"Oh, screw you, granny! I spit on yer grave, bitch!" A splice, of course.
"Goddammit, you asshole. 347, Radio Graffiti."
And the calls, questions, and cans went on long into the night, before both ponies occupying the studio fell asleep.

Boss Ghostler (he's so bad)

Applejack woke up before Ghost, who was snoring loudly. She was, admittedly, a little worried about him, and having sobered up thanks to her sleep, decided to go consult Twilight on the matter. She wasn't going to be touching another beer for quite some time.
Quietly, she swivelled around in her chair, stood up, and moved over to the exit. She hoped the door didn't squeak. She hadn't been paying much attention to it recently, and she couldn't remember it from last ti-
KA-THUNK
Applejack whirled around, wondering where the noise had come from. She breathed a sigh of relief when she realised it was only the chair, still spinning, had hit the table and caused a can to roll off and hit the floor. "Shaddup..." Ghost muttered groggily, still asleep. Applejack giggled, and opened the door, half-expecting another loud noise. However, thankfully, there was nothing but the light swoooosh of a pleasant evening breeze wafting in. Applejack closed the door behind her as she left, hoping that Ghost would remain asleep.
It turns out Twilight was asleep as well. As was Spike; the poor thing was still asleep when Twilight heard a knocking at the door, her eyes half-open, grumbling as she went. "Applejack?" she said at last, once her eyes had adjusted to the darkness outside. "What are you doing up this early?"
"I need to speak to ya, Twilight. About Ghost."
Twilight rubbed her eyes and moaned. "I suppose it must be pretty urgent for you to want an audience with me at this time. Come inside, please." Applejack plodded in, trying not to wake Spike up by stepping on anything that could make a sound. "Relax, Spike's out like a light tonight."
"Listen Twi, do you think you can hurry up and change Ghost back and send 'im home? He may seem like he's enjoying it now, but I can tell he's gonna go completely crazy if he's left here much longer."
"Well I can change him back in a little while. I managed to return Pinkie Pie back to normal while you were gone so he's likely next. I just need to get some rest first."
"And can you send him back?" Applejack looked at Twilight, with tears in her eyes. Twilight looked stunned.
"Are...are you crying?"
"YES!" Applejack shouted, and Spike squirmed around a bit in his bed. "I want what's best fer him, you know that, but if he goes I'll miss 'im..."
"You've always got your memories, and maybe we could get a picture of him before he goes. But I'm afraid I can't send him home."
"Ah thought you knew a teleportation spell?"
"True," Twilight replied, "but Ghost doesn't come from our world. I can't teleport him home if I don't know where he lives!"
"So...so what do we do?"
"First, we get some sleep. Then we find Discord."
And wouldn't you know it, the very same draconequus appeared in a flash of light, normal-sized, right behind Applejack, not one second after Twilight had said it. Applejack whirled around.
"Hello, girls," Discord sniggered. "Isn't it so friendly of me to arrive just when you need me?"
"How didja know about that?" Applejack asked, wiping a tear away.
"Oh I never left the area since Ghost transformed into a pony! Quite humorous, I must say. I would NEVER have thought of that! Well done!"
"Enough talk, Discord. After I turn Ghost back to normal, YOU are sending him home. The sooner the better."
"Oh, poo." Discord pouted and crossed his arms. "Well, I had my fun with him. I suppose you're right. It would be the friendly thing to do after all." Discord snapped his fingers and the trio were inside the studio in a trice. Ghost didn't stir, but he did mumble "sick bastard..." and shifted around a bit. A camera, not too dissimilar from Film Reel's (who, by coincidence, was away in another part of Equestria) appeared in Discord's hands. "Are you ready?" Applejack nodded her head, and Twilight did too, thinking that, despite all their differences, the least she could do was appear in his photo. For all she knew these could be the last moments they had together. Twilight readied her spell and with a mighty ZZZAP! shot a blast of purple energy straight at the sleeping Earth pony. Oddly enough, he didn't wake up. Instead his body was covered in a tingly lavender aura. With a blinding light of pure whiteness, Ghost had transformed back into a human, right down to the messy stubble on his chin. Applejack's smile grew wide. "Come on, girls, get in position and say 'Ghostler'!"
"If we must..." Twilight said, rolling her eyes. Applejack moved to Ghost's left and sat down under his arm, while Twilight trotted forward to be on Ghost's right. With his arms outstretched he looked less than glamorous, but it sort of looked like he was rolling his head back in laughter as he comforted the two ponies. Discord lifted his paw and counted down from three, and once he'd run out of fingers Twilight and Applejack shouted "GHOSTLER!" as Discord's camera flashed several times.
Of course this wasn't a good idea, and Discord knew it. As the finished photos began to shower from the ceiling (Discord's influence once again), Ghost's trigger word invariably woke him up, and waking up to an insult is not the best way of waking up, especially if you are a 40-something alcoholic Texan with a heart condition.
"No, Ghost, we didn't-" began Applejack, but it was too late.
Automatically enraged, he grabbed a fistful of the photos and was about to lob them at anyone he could when out of the corner of his eye he saw Discord snap his fingers.
And around them, the capitalist, and the entire studio, began to disappear, leaving nothing in its place but the dirt road. Staring up at the trio was a sleeping Ghost, with Twilight and Applejack grinning happily, which Applejack grabbed and stashed into her hat.
And then she broke down in tears into Twilight's shoulder.

That's it (Period!)

Ghost hurled the papers wildly in the ponies' direction, screaming "YOU DISGUSTING, DESPICABLE F-" However, before he could finish his sentence Ghost found he was paralysed and couldn't move, but only watch as his surroundings vanished before his eyes. The next thing he knew he could move, and was automatically throwing the papers at the empty floor of his studio. His eyes grew wide as his arms returned to his sides, before he turned tail and ran to the window, threw it open and took a look outside. The sun was beating down, and as Ghost hadn't been outside for a whole day, he was blinded as soon as he did this. What a stupid move. But once his eyes had fully adjusted to the light, he saw the same dingy, neon-lit surroundings that he was accustomed to on a regular basis. It felt good to be back.
Did it?
In a way, he sort of missed those candy-coloured equines that had caused him so much aggravation in the past. He didn't quite know what it was, but to him they were like aliens, and surely aliens deserved a little bit of respect? Tch, of course not. Not when they were ponies.
Ghost felt like doing some Radio Graffiti, but on the other hand, he had no idea how long it had been for the trolls on Earth while he was gone in Equestria. A minute? A year? He didn't really want to get interrogated about his time in Ponyville, by trolls OR bronies. He still didn't see what bronies found so goddamn sexual about those creatures. Disturbing, fruity milky-lickers.
Happy to have his fingers and thumbs back, at long last, he slumped back in his chair, picked up a beer and opened it. The satisfying hiss of the beer was music to Ghost's ears, and he downed half of it in one go. "Johnny Walker, Blue Label, ohhh yeeeaah!" he half-said, half-sang.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the pieces of paper he threw on the floor earlier. It occurred to him that he hadn't actually taken a look at them before (or after) he threw them. Leaning forwards on his chair, he reached down and picked them all up. What he saw shocked him, and he nearly dropped the pictures in his fright.
Looking dead at him were Applejack and...what was her name? Twilight Twinkle? Oh, Sparkle. Twilight Sparkle. Anyway, there they were, standing in the studio, looking Ghost right in the eye.
"Son of a bitch..." Ghost started, as he realised the figure in the middle of the two ponies was none other than himself, asleep. As Ghost tried to comprehend when they would have the time to take that picture, he remembered the pictures were hot off the press when he was about to throw them at the ponies. Did they really take it just before he was sent home? Did they miss him that much?
No, they were just so obsessed with this whole "friendship" idea. They would've done it to anyone. Ghost browsed the other pictures, but it was just more of the same. In fact, all of the same: The other five pictures were copies of the first, and Ghost's brow grew more furrowed each time he saw it. It just didn't make sense why they'd do that. I thought they all hated me, Ghost thought. Maybe there's more to this 'friendship' lark than meets the eye. Ghost grabbed his beer and swallowed the other half. It would be a restless night, with visions of those ponies dancing through his head as he tried to sleep. There was no way he could tell anybody about this. Perhaps I'll lay low for a while, so those fruity assholes will forget this ever happened. Maybe a year or two'll do it.

***

Back in Equestria, life had gone back to normal after Ghost's last visit, not that many of them remembered him; after all, he'd been gone for seven months. About the only Equestrian citizens who could remember him were Fluttershy (scarred for life by his fruity outbursts, but hiding it surprisingly well), Discord, Twilight and Applejack, who still had the picture of him in her room in Sweet Apple Acres. Every morning, without fail, as she woke up that was one of the first things she saw. And every night, before she went to sleep, she fondly recollected the last few Radio Graffitis and Twitter shoutouts they read out. She had chuckled when Ghost tried to scroll through them with hooves, and he laughed too, although that was probably due to his drunkenness.
After all, she considered him a friend, and friends should be treated with respect whoever they are.

***

But Ghost didn't want to think of Applejack much, if at all, over the next few years. He tried to drink the memories away at the Blind Pig Pub on Sixth Street, but to no avail. Try as he might he could not get their distinct and fruity personalities out of his head. He even contemplated suicide at one point, but ultimately stopped himself.
Nobody can be sure of what happened to Ghost next. Some say he started a different radio show under the name of Lester Live, but this has been disputed heavily. We may never truly know what happened to Ghost after this point, but all we, the listeners, can do in the meantime is pray for his safe recovery, and hope he finds the true magic of friendship in Texas.

RIP GHOST
1993-2013 (?)

Get me out, Engineer (I DON'T CARE HOW MANY PONIES ARE IN HERE)

Ghost ran, full-pelt, back to his studio, to see what AJ and Pinkie were up to. He approached the door, and put an ear to it, to listen in on what the duo were doing.
"513, Radio Equestria." RADIO EQUESTRIA? RADIO GODDAMN EQUESTRIA FER CHRIST'S SAKE?
"I am now officially declaring myself the king of NIGGERS!" Splice.
"He never said that! HE NEVER SAID THAT!" Applejack shouted. For a pony, she had guts. "This is how ya treat him?" Applejack grabbed the microphone and threw it hard against the studio wall. It ricocheted off of a pile of empty apple juice cans. "He's sick 'n' tired, why are ya doing this? Ah can't believe it!" Ghost smiled, broadly. He almost forgot why he hated ponies. "347, Radio Equestria." He remembered again.
"Hey, AJ?" A voice! A real, human voice! This could be promising, thought Ghost.
"Yeah?"
"Hey! This is Tina." Crap. Ghost made his move, burst into the studio and snatched the mike from Applejack.
"TINA! IT'S GHOST! GET ME OUT OF HERE!" he shouted desperately.
"How?"
"Were you not there when my studio disappeared?"
"That happened? Amy Daly told me, but I thought that was just a rumour!"
Ghost rolled his eyes. "It's not. It happened and I need to get out of here!" Silence. "She hung up. SHE HUNG UP. MY ONE HOPE OF GETTING OUT OF THIS PLACE JUST HUNG U-" Ghost rocketed the microphone across the room, smashing many cans. Pinkie covered her mouth with her hooves to stop herself laughing. Applejack displayed a look of concern, one that amplified when Ghost started crying.
"There, there, sugarcube." Applejack escorted Ghost out, while motioning for Pinkie to carry on. She'd stopped eating her sweets, and could talk again.
"Anyway, let's take another call! 506, what's going on?" Pinkie blabbed.
"Hey, Pinkie, did you hear about the BP oil leak?" A male voice asked.
"Uh, no." Pinkie quickly took the caller off the air-nothing else was to be learned from this one. She let out a deep sigh as she read off Twitter names.

***

Applejack took Ghost behind the studio. He was still crying madly, and couldn't find his balance, slumping against the studio wall.
"Please stop cryin'," Applejack said, patting Ghost on the head.
"Why should I? I'm trapped here now."
"You're not trapped. Ya just need to calm down."
"HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO CALM DOWN WHEN TINA HUNG UP ON ME!?" Ghost raged. He looked up, and saw Applejack, staring at him with a quivering bottom lip.
"Easy, Ghost, easy. She's not your only caller. Me 'n' Pinkie know that. We skimmed through your archives. Ah bet Pinkie's found some right now." Both sat and listened out for regular callers.
"...we've got DarkRazorZ in the place, OFisher93, what's going on? Here's one more: AsianTigerShrimp. Well, now, it's time for everypony's favourite part of the broadcast, it's RADIO EQUESTRIA!" could be heard.
"You know, you two are actually doing quite a good job of running my show." Ghost's tears had stopped, and he looked at Applejack with a broad smile. Applejack smiled back. "Just don't call it 'Radio Equestria', please. It's always been 'Radio Graffiti'."
Just then, Pinkie Pie poked her head around the side of the studio and whispered "OK, Ghost." before dashing back in and shouting "I MEAN, RADIO GRAFFITI!" Ghost's eyes widened.
"She...she just called me 'Ghost'. I thought she was scared of ghosts?"
"Maybe she's just not scared of you." AJ winked at the Texan, his face still wet with tears.
"Goddammit, now you got me blubbin' like a whale!" Ghost laughed and wiped his eyes with his arm. "Now, let's finish this broadcast." AJ gave Ghost a hand as he got up, and entered the studio again.

***

"Who else have we got? BrinkOWar, Radio Graffiti!" Pinkie was in the middle of a call. Some light violin music played; Ghost didn't recognise the tune (but hummed along anyway), but it gave Pinkie Pie and AJ a simultaneous shiver down their spines.
"Applejack, have you heard that music before somewhere?" Pinkie asked, giving the orange pony her seat.
"It does sound familiar, but ah can't think where from. Pretty good stuff, BrinkOWar, nonetheless. 765, Radio Graffiti."
"-round out here in Texas, uh, with my strap-on."
"Ghost snatched the microphone. "Yeah, real funny, idiot. I said that out of context because I knew you dumb perverts would-" he caught sight of Applejack beaming at him. "Never mind. 404, Radio Graffiti."
"-assive universe, you can join the adven-" An advert.
"Shut up. Shut up. How about 951, Radio Graffiti."
"Yeah, shoutout to Pinkie Pie and shoutout to all the True Capitalists, like the advertisers who know how to make a buck. KEEP CALLING!" Pinkie laughed when the male caller mentioned her. AJ snickered at the word "buck". Maybe that's what Ghost meant back in Sweet Apple Acres.
"Hey, SHUT UP ya stupid moron, what are ya talking about? Those aren't CAPITALISTS! Those are MOOCHERS! Those are LOSERS! Advertisers pay for their advertising, always remember that, there, jerk. Advertisers pay for their advertising, ya moron."
"Ghost, calm down." Applejack worriedly looked at the Texan.
"I don't care! Stick a fork in me, Pinkie, I'm done!" Ghost played his outro and ushered AJ and Pinkie out of the studio.
"Didn't you learn anything?" Applejack asked as Ghost pushed her out.
"Maybe I'll learn something next week. Now SCRAM!" Ghost slammed the door. It was getting late. Just then, Ghost realised he had nowhere comfortable to sleep. Ah, well. He could just clear some space from his desk and sleep on that.
But then he noticed what was on the desk.
Applejack's hat.
There was a scraping at the door, and a Southern-accent said "Can ah have mah hat now?"
Ghost snapped back with "It's JUST A HAT!" Ghost threw everything from his desk to the floor, AJ's hat, the microphone, the cans filled with apple juice, everything. And as soon as his head touched the desk, he fell asleep.