Fallout of Equestria: Bad Gambit

Blacking out isn't scary. It's not really painful, either. It's just exceedingly disorienting. It's like the feeling you get when you wake up after a particularly interesting dream and you can't remember why you're in a bed so suddenly. You wake up, feel refreshed, then proceed to feel very confused.

Of course, when you wake up with a mare on top of you in a dark room, illuminated by blue flowers, and she's screaming your name, it's not a illogically large leap of logic to assume that you'd be very, very confused.

I was very, very confused.

"Greeny! Greeny! Damnit! GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENYYYYYY" I groaned and pushed Lady Fantastic off of my chest. It was hard enough breathing without a hundred pounds of mare on my sternum.

She gave a relieved laugh. "Thank the Goddesses, I thought you were--" She cried out in pain as she tried to rise, falling back to the ground in pain, clutching at her left foreleg. She let out a pained moan. "--hurt." She finished weakly. "Fuck." Her lab coat was torn at the shoulder, and there were ripped where her leg bent in ways it wasn't designed too. I jumped off the floor, pain and lethargy replaced by panic and hopped over to where she lay on her back on the cold concrete floor. Her eyes glimmered the same color of orange as her mane, or at least the color I imagined her mane would be if her mane wasn't been so dirty. Apparently she'd lost her glasses in the fall. Her gaze went to her leg. "Ooooh fuck. That'd explain the pain."

It didn't look good. It was easy enough to see that her metacarpal and humerus were snapped, possibly shattered, and I'd have wagered that her carpus was shattered too from the way she was holding it. I'd have needed an X-ray to be sure, but I didn't need it to be sure that she wouldn't be running any time soon. If she didn't get medical attention soon, she probably wouldn't be running any time again. Luckily, I was awesome.

"How bad is it?" I shrugged nonchalantly, as if it'd be an easy fix. To be fair, I couldn't be sure without an X-Ray, so it wasn't exactly a lie. I rolled up the sleeve of her lab coat and gently ran my hooves along her leg, pressuring places where I wasn't sure about the breaks and shattered bone. She whimpered in pain, but allowed me to continue without a fuss. It wasn't as bad as I'd originally thought. The breaks on her humerus and metacarpal were clean, and could easily be splinted, and her carpus wasn't broken. She'd probably just sprained a muscle. Still, in a place like this, it was probably going to get us killed. Or at least her.

I shook my head, trying to throw that thought out. I gave her a bright and confident smile. I'd read in multiple places that keeping moral up was just as if not even more so important than anything else. She sighed and laid her head back on the ground, defeated. "That bad, huh?" I frowned a bit and gave her a confused stare. She let out a weak giggle. "I've never seen you smile. You just stare blankly and look confused." I shrugged, and slowly and gently laid her leg out straight, perpendicular to her body. I looked around the room, searching for something I could use as a splint.

The room we'd landed in was a contrast to the room we'd fallen from, cramped and dark instead of stupidly spacious and windowed. There were still luminous flowers, though not as many. The walls were dominated by roots and even branches, and there was a door visible in the blue light of flowers that decorated this room almost as completely as the one we'd been in before. We were surrounded by racks upon racks of wine despite the small space. There must have been thousands of bottles. Wine racks to some at least. All I saw was planks of wood, perfect for splinting.

I walked over to the nearest rack and removed the bottles one by one so that I could tear it apart without them breaking and causing further complications.

"Lady Fantastic? Uh, Sunshine? Are you guys okay?" A small frightened voice called down from the hole in the ceiling, followed by a reddish pink mane and a pear colored head.

Fantastic's face lit up. "We're fine kiddo! A bit scratched up, but fine." She frowned and rolled her head back to look at me. "We're fine, right?" She added in a lower voice.

Let's think about it. One of Fantastic's legs was broken in multiple places. Her and I were trapped underground in a cellar of a building that was inhabited by a horrifying monster that could potentially be anywhere. The little one was alone and scared. If we tried to escape, we'd be shot on sight unless we either carried the monster's head or a magical rod that was hidden somewhere in the mansion. The mansion was full of other potential hazards, and inhabited by a likely magical growth of plants that glowed blue, and was so big that we'd probably run out of water before we searched it in its entirety. Also, now that the adrenaline from Fantastic's cry of pain and injuries was fading, I was starting to feel my own injuries. Several ribs felt cracked, I was covered in weakly bleeding scratches and bruises, and I was fairly certain I had a concussion.

I shrugged and went back to working a piece of wood out of the wine rack.

Fantastic glowered at me.

Lucky Fluke frowned at Lady Fantastic. "You don't look very fine."

"I'm very fine, thank you!" Fantastic said haughtily, "And if I'm not, I'm sure Greeny can fix me up, right Greeny?"

I finally wrenched free the board I'd been I'd been working at and nodded as I walked back to Fantastic. I paused halfway there, then trotted back to the wine rack and picked up a bottle with my tail, then returned to Fantastic.

"What's the wine for?" She asked as I approached. I tossed it to her and mimed drinking. I put a hoof on one end of the board and pressed down, snapping it in twain. The boards clattered to the floor and I nudged them under Fantastic broken leg. I ripped long cords of pseudoleather from my jumpsuit, which was becoming rapidly more ragged. It more resembled a vest than a jumpsuit at this point. "Oh, pain-killer, right?"

Nope. Distraction.

I nodded anyway, and she opened the bottle with her magic and put it to her lips. Lucky Fluke watched curiously, but covered her eyes when I gave her my best you-might-not-want-to-see-this look. I braced my ears and put a hoof on her chest, and bit down on her hoof. Then I pulled. Wine shot from her mouth like something out of a comedy holovid as I wrenched at her arm, straightening the breaks and putting it in position to be set properly, her magical grip faltered and the bottle clinked to the ground, spilling its contents on the concrete floor.

And then she screamed. She screamed profanities so loudly of such magnitude that if a foal from my Stable had been caught whispering something remotely similar they'd have been locked in their room for several months and put on a list for psychological evaluation and rehabilitation.

"--WITH THE MOON, THE STARS, AND EVERY OTHER CELESTIAL BODY IN THE UNIVERSE!" She finished, panting heavily.

The awkward silence that followed seemed just as loud as the scream, punctuated only by Fantastic's heavy breathing.

Both Fluke and myself stared at her quietly as she continued to pant as if she'd run a marathon. If I had to judge, I'd say that she'd certainly exhaled enough in a single breath to put her on a list of world record holders.

Fluke broke the silence. "What's an ova duct?" She asked innocently. My ears twitched, and I went about my business tying Fantatic's foreleg to the board I'd procured. Fantastic winced, but didn't fight back or curse. I'm not sure she had anything left in her.

"It's an, um, a--" She groaned in despair, partly from the fact that she was stuck in a three hundred year old deathtrap on a suicide mission with a little foal and a huge freak who apparently knew first aid and didn't talk, ever, and partly because she didn't want to give a foal the 'Talk' during the situation mentioned prior. She didn't really want to give the talk to any foal, ever, really. "--You'll find out later kid." She flopped her head back onto the floor and laid still as I finished securing my makeshift split. They were pretty kickarse makeshift splints. Well, kind of kickarse. Well, They wouldn't fall apart immediately. Probably.

I nudged her on the shoulder to let her know I was done after making one final check on the bindings, and she rolled onto her stomach, to the right so that her right foreleg could bear the weight of her upper body immediately. She stood well enough, her grey coat shivering with pain as she tried to ease her left leg to the ground. Her hoof retreated from the cold concrete, and she held it closer to herself than usual, but she'd be able to walk and it wasn't life threatening, so that was a plus.

"Hah, I guess you really do know what you're doing, Greeny." She said, waggling her foreleg, trying to remember which positions pained her the most. I nodded. My gaze now turned to the head of a certain filly who was staring through a hole in the ceiling. The ceiling was probably sixteen feet or so up and it was probably a miracle that Fantastic and I hadn't suffered any further injuries. My ribs argued against miracles, but I ignored them. The real question now was how we could get back up. There was a chance we could climb the up the wine racks, but considering how easily that board had snapped under just a fraction of my weight, I doubted that was much of a possibility, at least for me. Fantastic was lighter, but even if the boards wouldn't break, her leg would be far too much of a handicap to climb much of anything, much less the near direct vertical ascent that the wine racks would require. The easiest thing to do would to be to get Fluke to fall down instead... but she could get hurt easily, even if I used myself as a cushion, which would probably further damage my ribs, and leave a hell of a bruise regardless. Fluke sensed my contemplations and began shuffling her feet nervously.

"No way," She wailed, "I'm not going to jump down there."

"Jump down here?" Fantastic echoed, her head swiveling to look at Fluke through the hole. "Why the heck would you do that?"

Fluke bit at her lip. "We have to stick together, right? And you guys can't climb out, Sunshine's too big, and you're... broken--"

"I prefer the term, physically impaired, thank you." Fantastic cut in.

"--so the only thing that we can do to group back up would be if I jumped down into this hole. And I'm not doing that."

"Don't think of it as jumping, think of it as... falling with style." Lady Fantastic attempted to reassure her. "Plus, with my magic, and Greeny's squish organs, we could cushion your fall pretty well. Just a bit of a bruise, if that." I nodded in agreement. It certainly wasn't ideal, but that was the best way to go.

"Yeah, well, um--" She faltered. "--I can't do it."

Can't?

"Can't?" Fantastic iterated.

The pearish colored foal retreated from the hole, so that only her eyes and droopy hair was visible. "I'm... afraid of heights." She murmured.

Ah. That made sense. It was easy enough to see the memories in her eyes, brought to the surface by situational griefs, nearly ready to breach. Trauma was a pretty good reason for phobias, and something told me that she'd had plenty of trauma. Best to avoid bringing it further, and just find another way to regroup.

"Really, why?" Fantastic brought it further. I facehoofed.

The memories in Flukes eyes slowly shifted to tears, bubbling up at the edge of her pale peach eyes. "I... don't want to talk about it."

"Oh." Fantastic's eyes widened slowly in recognition of what she'd done. She snatched up her sunglasses and turned away, rubbing the back of her head in a cliché nonchalant way. "Oh, uh, yeah, no! That's cool! I mean, if you don't want to talk about it, that's fine! It doesn't matter! How about we try and figure a different way to group up instead?"

Fluke sniffled. "Yeah. that'd be good."

I let out a breath I didn't realize I'd been holding and sighed. I pointed a hoof towards the overgrown door hiding in the shadows of the cellar, where the light of the flowers didn't reach as well. Lady Fantastic nodded to me and smiled at Fluke. "Okay, looks like we're going that way. Stay right there, okay?"

Fluke nodded, wiping a remaining tear from her eye.

"We'll be right there, so don't worry about it." She said with a smile, and began to limp awkwardly towards the overgrown door. I smiled confidently at Fluke. She laughed at my attempt towards normalcy as I followed Fantastic.

The door was covered in roots, but not by a single flower or branch, and none of the roots were thick like the ones that ran along the wall. Maybe a side effect of the different material. It was made of a light wood, something that looked nice but wouldn't have kept out the elements very well. Which probably wasn't a problem for a door underneath the center of the house, so I guess it didn't matter. I put a reluctant mouth on it. It felt weird. This was a house for unicorns, not earth ponies. Strange, considering that Good Intentions was an earth pony.

Stupid pony genetics.

The door gave way with less resistance than I expected, and I stumbled into the darkness of the hall beyond. Total darkness. None of the blue flowers were anywhere. There was a clambering of hooves behind me, and I turned around to see Lady Fantastic holding a two flowers in her telekinetic magic. She smiled brightly and trotted into the darkness, using the flowers as makeshift torches. Miraculously, they stayed lit, despite being disconnected from the larger plant. Magic was indeed a frustrating element for an earth pony such as myself to deal with.

I snatched a pair of blossoms for myself with my tail and trotted into the darkness after Fantastic, throwing one last glance at Fluke. She was staring wide eyed at my tail, which was shimmering green where it case in contact with the flowers I held. I growled at my fur and hurried ahead to keep pace with Fantastic.

Fluke kept staring into the doorway for at least fifteen minutes after me and my magical stupid glowing tail disappeared through it.

* * *

Unfortunately for Fluke, fifteen minutes later we fumbling through the dark, and it felt like we were no closer to finding a way out than we'd been before. Not, of course, that the flowers provided inadequate illumination, but rather that the hallways we were in grew larger and larger until the flowers' glows were unable to reach the walls. As for the fumbling, that was much less myself and much more Fantastic as she tripped over nearly each and every slightly uneven stone because she kept magicking her flowers farther and farther away until the walls and varied inscriptions on them were visible, but the cobblestones were less so. Each trip and fall lead to another wince of pain and an inspection of her splints. They were holding up well enough so far, despite the abuse.

Our search for a stairwell could be summarized as such; these ponies hella liked wine.

"Ugh! This is taking forever!" Fantastic whined as we slowly walked through the dark corridor, pushing in each door, breaking the thin roots that tried in vain to hold them in place. Each door revealed more and more wine cellars. There was probably enough wine in this building to get every stallion and mare in the Main drunk a hundred times over. "Greeny, tell me a joke."

I swung my flowers over an inscription in the wall. 'The Way of Good', carved in a solid golden plate mounted on the wall. Probably golden. Definitely metal, but it was hard to tell in the constant blue light emanating from our bloom torches, not to mention the sporadic green flickering of the fur on my tail.

"Greeny, what's..." She stopped trudging and turned her gaze to where I was looking. Suddenly her eyes were brighter than the torches we were carrying, despite her glasses, and a broad smile formed on her face. "...that?"

She spun back to me, hovering a few inches from my face. "Is that gold? Greeny, is that gold? Like, gold-gold? Real gold? Is it?" Her excited voice flew down the hallway and back, echoing loudly. Her tone laughed in the face of danger. As if danger could quell the greed of a wastelander. Ha.

I shrugged, but she was already busying herself with wrenching the plate from the wall, beads of sweat forming on her silky grey coat as she huffed and puffed and tried to magick it down. Her flowers laid at the ground near her hooves, petals facing the earth so their light was dampened. Seeing that there would be no way to remove her from the plaque minus removing the plaque itself, I grabbed her flowers and bundled them together with mine and jammed their stems into a crack in the stone wall. I began poking at plaque with a hoof, ignoring Fantastic's attempts to remove it. It didn't seem to be mortared in, nor did it have any signs of being nailed there.

Magic then. Stupid, law defying magic then. My head started to ache. Of course it was magic.

I took a step back and tapped Fantastic on the shoulder. She let out a loud breath she'd obviously been holding and panted with her effort as she took a momentary break from trying to use her telekinesis to free the plaque.

"What?" She asked. She already sounded exhausted. I couldn't decide whether that was because magic was a lot of work or because she was really out of shape.

Since it was a brick enchanted there by magic (probably), simple telekinesis wouldn't work; it would take an actual loosening spell or the like, maybe even a displacement enchantment or something. I tapped her horn to try to pass the information on.

She glared at me furiously. "What do you think I've been doing?!"

Telekinesis. I stared flatly as I waited for her to get it.

She kept glaring. And glaring. Then her eyes went wide with realization, and a smile jumped back onto her face. "Oh! I get it! Aye Aye captain Greeny!" She shouted with gusto, leaping back into the fray.

Ah, but that is meant both metaphorically and physically. Metaphorically, she threw herself back into the struggle to remove the brick. Physically, she leapt at the brick, stabbing it with her horn instead of using a spell like I'd hoped she'd do. Without warning, though inanimate objects rarely give such, the brick brightened and began to glow with its own golden light and Fantastic's horn sank into the material as if it was pudding, rippling slowly outwards from where her horn was displacing its golden material. My own eyes went wide as Fantastic's stupidity actually worked in our favor.

Fantastic stumbled backwards as her horn was forcibly evacuated from its new golden sheath, the glowing golden material drawing back into the wall, and the wall followed suit by drawing back itself, the bottom swiftly disappearing into the top and the top quickly vanishing into the ceiling of a earthy cavern.

I could smell fresh air, crisp and cold, but fresh. My hooves dug themselves into the moist soil without my consent, but I enjoyed it all the same. My ears twitched at the pleasant sensation. My brain was fuzzy with pain, but this sensation overrode it.

"A way out..." Fantastic gaped, "We can escape! We can be free again!" She spun on her good leg and planted a wet and sloppy kiss on my cheek. My ears twitched again as I turned to face her. There were stars in her eyes, bright as I imagined real ones to be. "Let's get out of here!" She said, limping forwards into the tunnel.

But we couldn't do that. Even if there wasn't a guard at the end of this this... secret tunnel we'd discovered, and there probably would be...

We couldn't just leave Fluke. My head throbbed. Memories of blood and screams echoed through my skull. Now was not the time to come out of shock.

I snorted and stomped my hoof, shaking out the bad memories.

Fantastic stopped and turned once more, looking back to me. "Sunshine? What's wrong?"

I stared back. She might be thick, but she'd figure this one out on her own.

She laughed nervously. "Come on. We're at the exit! The finish line! Please, let's just go!"

Nothing crossed my face, but disappointment rushed through my mind.

Tears were running down her face now, her sunglasses did nothing to hide the wetness on her cheeks. I almost went to comfort her. Almost. "Please?" She said, her voice weak, little more than a whisper. I shook my head. She hung her head beneath her forelegs. A tear collided with a stone. I couldn't bring myself to blame her. We were between the ragged teeth of death, and I wanted to go running back down its throat. She just wanted to be safe. I did too. But... I'd lost enough recently. This time death would have to take me first.

Then she laughed. A genuine laugh. It was full of despondent acceptance and fear, but it was still a laugh. "Heh. I guess you really are the strong one."

Her tears vanished, with a flick of her head and a flash of magic she was wearing a smile again. "Back into hell?" I nodded. She laughed again, stronger than before. "This is good."

I stared at her, throwing as much of an expression of shock as I could at her. Her grin widened.

"When we were sent into this stupid mansion, we were going to die victims of a stupid rich guy," Her sunglasses drooped and I could see the glimmer of excitement in her eyes. "But now, we get to die heroes. Heh. I always wanted to die a hero." I nodded. Before I could do more, she was already back into the tunnel.

"Let's do this!" She shouted confidently, rearing up on her hind legs and charged down the narrow tunnel, striding confidently, if with a slight limp. A very, very small smile appeared on my face. Very small.

And so I followed a mad mare into the darkness, and it wouldn't be the last time I did as such.

* * *

With flowers back on our persons, we nearly ran down the hallways, full of enthusiasm that should neither have existed nor been possible yet was there all the same. With the insane righteousness of stupidity flowing through our veins, there was nothing we couldn't accomplish. Doors flashed by, probably more wine cellars, but what we weren't looking for wouldn't be behind a door, no, it would be in the open.

We thudded around corners, no longer hesitant or afraid of the shadows, for as long as they stood between Fantastic and me and a little filly who was all alone in a mansion that was inhabited by a monster, they might as well have been ants standing in the way of a flood. Our hooves smashed into wall and plant matter alike as we bounded over thick roots and other growths, our makeshift torches providing just enough illumination for us to not snap our necks. When it finally occurred to me that Fantastic was keeping pace with me with a broken leg, I glanced sideways to see that she was augmenting her leg with magic, levitating that part of her body while using the rest of it to its full potential. It was impressive, not many unicorns could divide their attention between three things, let alone while running as fast as they could. I'd learned that lesson when I'd pulled a prank on the last Overmare involving multiple delicious pastry projectiles.

Before long, thankfully because I doubt Fantastic could have kept up that pace for all that much longer, we came to a stairwell, where we stopped to catch our breath. We panted for a few seconds, then looked to each other and started up the stairs.

A distant scream echoed through the air. A filly's scream. I grit my teeth and sprinted ahead, flashing up the stone steps and colliding with a thick wooden door at the top of the staircase. I could hear Fantastic's steps following, but wasted no time with waiting. I strained against the heavy door, pushing it open inch by inch. It was a unicorn door, made to be held up slightly when moved so as to make its set position more solid, and nearly inoperable by any other type of pony. But I was not just any pony. I was a earth pony, and I was afraid. Afraid for another, and I felt stronger than ever. More blood splatters flashed into my vision. Well, nearly ever. With a final push, the door creaked and cracked open and I tumbled into an ornate hall.

My ears twitched.

Another scream, this one even more distant than the last. I was both relieved and frightened at the same time. First, if it was more distant sounding, and I'd come a considerable distance, then it must be moving her, and moving her while she was still alive, but Second, she was getting even farther and farther.

I wasted little time on these thoughts, and instead charged forwards again following the sound, just as Fantastic slipped through the door behind me. The tile flooring gave little resistance, but a long and carefully woven carpet reassured my footing and allowed me to run at my fastest. Like hell was I going to lose another one.

I was stopped by another door. Or rather, another door tried to stop me. It failed. Chips of wood clattered to the ground as the door was smashed off of its hinges and trampled into the ground. This room was familiar. The Grand Hall from before. The hole we'd made stood proudly in the middle of the hall, and out of the many shattered and empty hanging window panes I could see the fires of Good Intention's camp. That didn't interest me though, and I instead focused my attention on a small pool of glowing greenish fluid. I'd seen enough holovids to know monster blood when I saw it. I took a deep breath and followed a trail of droplets of monster blood up the left path of a divided grand stairwell at the back of the hall. There was another squeal of fear, closer this time, but weaker.

The stairwell lead to a hallway, far larger and decorated than the door we'd come into the Grand Hall from, full of tattered and torn paintings of probably famous ponies, or the ancestors of whoever built the Tanglewood Manor, or at least the ancestors of whoever paid to have it built. The plant life was even thicker here, glowing flowers abounded, and even more fantastic flora grew peacefully and happily despite the lack of sunlight and soil. There were doors everywhere, some labeled with names of a time long past, and some not marked in any way, but I ignored this and followed the trail of monster blood though a stupidly large and overly decorated doorway at the end of the hall.

If I hadn't been near frothing with fear and adrenaline, the sight probably would've dropped my jaw. I know that ponies living before the war lived in excess, but this was ridiculous. There was a bed large enough to hold my entire living apartment, and the entire structure (because when something is that large, it is hard to refer to it as furniture) was covered in cloth-of-gold, and the pillars at the edges that supported an enormous canvas enchanted to look like a swirling rendition of the night sky stood like trees, and it was all blanketed in tropical plant life. The walls were covered in dressers and external closets and what little space on the walls wasn't was painted with images of fantastic creatures and magical beasts. There was a mirror, miraculously intact and covered in some sort of ivy, at the left of the room, and it was large enough that a dragon could have admired its entire length. It was there that the monster blood led, or at least that was near where it lead. There were scrape marks along the floor, as though the vanity supporting the mirror had been pushed roughly to the side along the wall, and behind those scrape marks was a door thick enough to make the Stable Door flash through my mind, slightly ajar. From it poured plants of all kinds, and as well as a greenish light. Greenish like the blood of the monster. Greenish like me.

The plush carpeting squished under my feet, and muffled my footsteps as I made my way to the door. There were two gentle hummings beyond it. One was similar to that a glowbulb makes, and the other was a magical sound, like that which flows from the aura of an unicorn. Neither were important to me, because there was another sound, far quieter than the others, but far more important. The sound of a sniffling filly. I threw myself at the crack in the door and found that it was plenty wide enough to accommodate my entire girth, and slipped through it, into a room that seemed the complete opposite of the bedroom before.

Four stark white walls were the only decorative thing about it, made from some sort of metal or plastic, or enchanted wood. The floor was cracked as though some sort of gargantuan hammer had struck it, shattered outwards from the middle of the room, and the cracks were full to the brim with plant life of all types. A cactus sprang from one corner, a cocoanut tree from the next, it was a chaotic display fitting of a Draconequeus. The ceiling much mirrored the floor, shattered and broken. The room was illuminated by glowing green light that spewed forth from the centerpiece of the room.

A magical rod hovered in the remains of what must have been some sort of glass containment unit, and beside it were the reasons I was here. Lucky Fluke was held immobile against a piece of whirring monitoring equipment by a green slime, and staring intently at her was the monster. She sobbed softly, trying to avoid looking at the beast.

When Good Intentions had told me there was a monster, I'd started thinking big. If it was strong enough to ward off a man with that many hired guns, it would have had to be strong, so maybe it was some sort of dragon. But that would have been too large to move effectively through the building, so maybe something smaller, like a chimera would have worked. When I saw the plants, I assumed it must have been some sort of Venus Fly Trap type monster. Something gross, chitinous, and drooling malicious intent. It had killed every single person who'd set foot in the mansion, and they were mostly just harmless slaves after all.

What I had not expected, was to be looking at a fuzzy greenish stallion, about my own height, and about my weight.

My ears twitched.

The monster spun and stared at me. Its ears mimicked my own. I stared back. Its eyes and mane were  also greenish.

I was not trained to deal with this situation.

It was me. Or rather, it was something that was trying to look like me. Without warning, a second green glow filled the room, and green hellfire consumed the doppelgänger, revealing a black armored and twisted horned creature in its place. Its eyes were a dull blue, lifeless and stale. A Changeling. A mutated changeling. Great. A throaty roar filled the air and the creature, now far larger than myself, leapt at me.

This, I knew how to handle. I growled right back and jumped at the creature. We collided in midair and threw each other back to the ground. I landed on my side on the tile floor and rolled back to my hooves, the Changeling was less graceful and far less lucky, and was thrown into an upraised root. Its size helped it little as its chitin cracked under the strain of its weight.

"Sunshine!" A small voice behind me cried. I nearly let out a relieved breath. She was alright. Instead, I dashed forwards again. The only way to deal with a creature that large was to hit it while it was unprepared. I hopped over roots and flowers and jumped at the beast, throwing my hooves out to catch it in the throat. There was a whistling sound as the creature's tail whipped through the air and caught me in the side, throwing me past the rod's containment unit and bouncing off the ground all the way to the opposite wall. I let out a weak groan of pain. The beast roared again, this time in triumph.

"Hey freak! Try this on for size!" A familiar voice shouted as one of the pieces of equipment ripped itself from the floor and collided with the Changeling's head. It howled with pain. "Ha! Monster Oh, Lady Fanta--"

Her voice cut off as a root wrapped in a sickly green glow smashed into her head, knocking her sprawling.

"Fantastic!" Fluke screamed. The creature let out something that sounded like a laugh then turned its attention back to me. Despite its size, it stepped lightly and made little sound. "Please! Stop!" Fluke's shrill screams filled the air, but the creature paid them no mind.

I tried to stand and my vision blurred. My mind writhed in fiery agony. The Changeling placed a perforated hoof on m chest, pinning me in place. I let out another grunt of pain and the creature gave its corrosive laugh again. "Pony thinks he strong, yes? Eheh. Yes, pony strong." It crackled. One of its hooves came down on my stomach, hard. I gasped for air as the wind was driven from me. "But not as strong as Changeling."

It lowered its head to mine to say something more, but I didn't let it. I brought my forehead up to its snout and head-butted it with all my might. Blinding pain shot through my head, but it worked well enough. The Changeling squealed in pain and stumbled backwards, tripping over the roots it had avoided before. It crashed to the ground with a mighty thud, crushing smaller roots and flowers beneath its body.

And then it got back up. The creature roared with fury, its chitinous muzzle dripping radioactive green blood, and threw me against the stark white wall with its magic.

"You. STUPID. Pony!" It screeched, punctuating its words by slamming me against the wall. The pain was slowly being replaced by numbness. My vision started to fade. Its eyes were full of fire, but no more alive than before. They were still the same pale, dead blue. I couldn't do any more than keep my eyes open.  Its pale eyes finally drifted over my own, and it froze. From that reaction, I guessed I was glowing. Great. Not only was I going to get smashed by an ugly mug like that, it was probably going to make fun of me for sparkling afterwards.

But it didn't smash me. It began to retreat instead. It slowly stepped backwards, its magical grip fading. The sick green aura holding me in place faded and I collapsed to the tiled floor.

I looked up, still on the edge of consciousness and falling fast, and saw the Changeling's eyes shift from pale blue, to something more livid. Something more alive. It hissed, seemingly at nothing, and shook its head and looked around. It seemed confused. It looked back to me and frowned. Then turned to the magical rod, still hovering serenely in the broken remains of its containment unit. There was a rush of wind as it took off towards the rod, snatched it, and escaped from the room, flying right over the head of Fantastic, who was slowly rising to her feet again. The sound of shattering glass rang through the house, and what remained of the magical glow faded. Even the glow of the magical flowers seemed to dampen.

And they were both gone.

Strangely enough, the first thing that rolled into my mind was that, since we neither defeated the monster nor obtained the magical artifact, we'd have to chill here forever.

"Uh, Fluke? Greeny?" Fantastic asked, stepping over a root as she made her way to the center of the room. "You guys okay?"

"Fantastic!" Fluke squealed enthusiastically, struggling against her goopy bonds. "You guys made it!"

"Heh, yeah kid." Fantastic flipped her hair and gave Fluke her best grin. "And you're... covered in monster goop. Great. Let me get that for you." She said, smiling gently as she used her magic to pull magical goop off of Fluke's body and mane. The filly giggled as the slippery substance wobbled in the air, floating in the grasp of Fantastic's magic.

"You okay Greeny?" Fantastic called out over the whirring machinery. My head was still throbbing, my fractured ribs seemed to be multiplying, I was having flashbacks from my horribly bloody last few days, and my pipbuck refused to cease its incessant beeping. Warnings scrolled across my vision informing me that I was injured. No shit. I grunted and rolled onto my back. "Good to know, my giant green buddy. Are you sure you're okay kid? That big lug didn't do anything to you?"

Fluke frowned. "I'm fine. It just... took me here and stuck me to this wall. Then it kept staring at me and changing faces. It was really weird." Fantastic nodded.

"I imagine so kiddo." Then the duo walked over to where I was still laying slumped on the floor. I groaned, tried to stand, then fell back to the floor. My head was pounding out a beat that sounded like something out of one of Saphire Shores’ techno phase. "And you're sure you're alright?" I grunted and flopped onto my side so that I was facing them.

Fluke and Fantastic gave each other concerned glances then looked back to me. "Well," Fluke said, "What hurts?" I knocked a hoof against my head. All of the adrenaline from that encounter was fading, and I was starting to feel very tired, hurt, and hungry.

"Your head hurts?" Fantastic said, voice brightening. "I know how to fix that!" She shouted gleefully. I tried to cover my ears. The loud noises hurt. Her horn began to spark, then to twinkle, and then it became a full on magical firework. She tapped my forehead with her horn and the bright light dissolved into my skull.

My head throbbed from the lightshow.

Wait.

No it didn't. I opened my eyes and looked around. Fantastic was grinning and Fluke was staring with great concern. My headache was completely gone. Sure, my ribs were still hurting, but that was a pain of body, and was easy to ignore in comparison. I gave Fantastic a questioning look.

"Hangover cure spell." Fantastic said, blowing imaginary smoke off of her horn. "Works every time."

Hangover? I thought back. I had drunk a couple bottles of wine. Maybe that had something to do with it. I shook my head again, without pain, and stood up. My balance was perfect, and once more I was towering over the two fillies. I turned my attention to Fantastic first. I wasn't the only one who'd been hit by the Changeling. I tapped her makeshift splints and she laughed.

"I'm fine greeny. Hit me in the side. I might have a few broken ribs, but that's nothing a healing potion won't fix." I nodded, then turned to the filly.

"I'm fine too, Sunshine." She said confidently, chin held high. I nodded, and began to walk out of the room, signaling Fantastic to follow.

"Come on Fluke," She said as she and Fluke hopped past me, "We found a way out!" Lucky Fluke squealed happily and darted forwards, despite not knowing which way the exit was. Fantastic looked back to me and flashed a smile again before running after her. "Last one there is a rotten raider!"

I shrugged and started to walk after her, but a flashing screen on the containment unit caught my eye. A single, small screen, not dissimilar to that of a pipbuck was displaying distress signals at the sudden loss of the magical rod. I tapped a few buttons with my hooves to quiet the machine. It had been working for two hundred years, and I thought it deserved peace. As I closed the caution pop-ups, a series of journal logs appeared on the screen. Apparently the last user had been in the middle of writing one. I opened the file and read them one by one.

Journal One: The topic for today's journal is how stupid it is to write a journal. I mean, I know what's going on, I'm not some sort of slackjawed pony. It really grinds my gears that the Queen is having us do these stupid things, but I guess it's not all bad if I can use it to make these ponies feel like dumbspores. My only regret is that I'll be a thousand miles away when they stumble upon these entries (And I say stumble because to think that a pony would ever be smart enough to find something is a bit silly) and realize that their precious 'Shady Butler' was a Changeling the whole time! I mean, how dumb do they have to be to not have any suspicions at all? 'Shady Butler'? Really? It's embarrassing, really.

Journal Two: Since I have to write this thing anyway, I figure I might as well turn it into some sort of therapeutic session, and boy do I need it bad. I know that it's my job as a Changeling to shift my form and personality so that I can fit in, but never before have I wanted so badly to smack a ho! This filly, the fuckin' heiress of the Good family, name of 'Good Try' is a fuckhole. She's as bitchy as a bitch can get, struts around like a Hivemistress with a stick up her ass telling us how worthless we are and how her soup needs to be 100.35 degrees precisely or it won't please her. It is a mental battle for me to see how the ponies around her have to deal with this all the time and haven't resorted to physical violence yet. I swear, if ponies lived off love like proper, civilized beings, this pony would have starved to death while she was still a pupa! Or whatever gross pony thing they do when they're young. And I apologize to the Supervisor who's going to have to go through and read all of these when I bring my log back. It must be hard work to have to deal with all this shit, and I tip my hat to you. Metaphorically. If I know me, I'm probably off getting drunk as you read this. Cheers!

Journal Three: To be honest, I'm a bit worried. I was approached by the head maid today who asked me if I'd be willing to sign up for some Stable the Good family is gonna be staying at. Naturally, I turned it down, after all, I couldn't abandon the Scepter of Fertility. I mean, a bit of pony stupidity couldn't matter to me one bit, but the way she said it... It makes me think that this 'megaspell war' might actually happen. Knowing ponies, it really could go down. It freaks me out a bit. I also tried watermelon for the first time. It's pretty awesome. If only it felt as good as love, then we'd be in business.

Journal Four: The whole mansion is on lockdown. The only reason I'm still allowed in here is because I'm the head butler now. That's right, the whole rest of the fucking staff abandoned ship. That's twelve ponies between me and the position, and they're all out of here! It's just me, a couple of maids, and the security guards left. I really want to make like a banana and split too, but this could be the perfect opportunity to filch this thing. If only I could think of some way to sneak it past the guards outside. Maybe I'll get them drunk or something. Whelp, this has been your favorite Espionage artist, signing off again.

Journal Five: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. The reason I'm typing that out so many times is to give myself time to think about why the FUCK I'm still typing on this fucking thing. So, turns out ponies are so FUCKTARDED that they actually did it. They went and fucking blew the fucking world to FUCKING BITS. I can feel the radiation already. It hurts. It tastes like scorn. The whole mansion shook when the megaspells detonated. The ponies outside are already dead, and the containment field shattered along with most of the windows in this pony shithole. The magic is spilling out without anything to hold it back. I can understand why the Queen wanted it so bad now... It's amazing. It's not love, or fear, no, but I feel like I could live forever off of this stuff. It doesn't taste all that great, but it's not bad either. Just... raw energy really.

Journal Six: So, upside to the radiation, I'm getting bigger, stronger, more... fighty goody. Douwnside, i'm going insane, I think. Maybe not insane, no, but devinititltllty crazy or somthing. losing my miind maybe? yeah, that sounds good. I'm losing my mind. So, onecagain, this has been the best changeling ever, signing off... for what might be the last time. Dont' know why I''m still typping. nopbony's gonna read this sh ita nyways.

Huh. Well. That explained the changeling. And the rod, in a way. The artifact of the Good family indeed, though they kept it locked up for some reason.

"Greeny! Hurry up!" An impatient voice called from the hallway.

I sighed and jogged out of the room, and back down the hallway, and back down the stairs with Fantastic and Fluke in tow.

We were halfway to the secret tunnel when we started to hear voices from up above. Good Intention's men must have finally gotten up the courage to come knocking after seeing the monster fly out of one of the windows. I took a bit of pleasure in knowing that they wouldn't find anything.

When Fluke and Fantastic looked to me frightfully, I put a hoof to my lips and kept walking silently. Without a sound, or at least without any that anypony on the main level could have heard, we made it into the secret tunnel and onto the moist, soft soil. I dragged myself away from squishing my hooves into the soil to point out to Fantastic a small golden panel on this side of the doorway. She nodded and used her horn again. The hidden door returned to its place as swiftly as it had left.

We made our way down the damp tunnel, and after a short while, we saw the dim grey moonlight of the waste. Soon after that, we emerged into the beautiful grey of the wasteland. It smelt wet, and fresh, and good. I guess I really was an earth pony. The soft yellowish tint of the sun rising into the clouds in the east slowly became visible.

I turned to Fantastic and Fluke, who smiled broadly at me. We were free. Free to wander the waste and go on wacky adventures and do whatever else we damn well pleased.

I snorted with pride.

Which, is about the time I heard a click as somepony put a gun to my head.