Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Rainbow Dash gently closed the door to Twilight's hospital room behind herself, leaving her alone with the two princesses for her magic therapy. She sighed heavily and left the hospital, heading nowhere in particular and losing herself in her thoughts of the years that had passed.

She drifted back over the years, to when Applejack had left them all. She found old questions bubbling up to the surface of her mind, one in particular found itself at the forefront. It was the same question that had haunted her since Applejack had left and everyone had begun to move on; why had she stayed? Rainbow knew she could have left, taken that honorary position in the Wonderbolts they had offered her; she wouldn't have been flying with them, but rather dealing with the media and training. Her dream of flying with the Wonderbolts and sharing a spotlight with them throughout Equestria had been shattered and cut away with her wings. She found herself thinking back to the day she woke up to find her dream shattered and her sky ripped away from her. It was the day Rainbow Dash had died, and it was the day Rainbow Dash was reborn. It was the cruelest day fate had ever thrown at her.

~~

“AAAAHHHHHHHHH” Rainbow Dash's piercing scream echoed up and down the hospital halls as she woke up from her medically induced coma.

Doctor Horse came cantering in, sliding on the tile slightly. “Calm down Miss Dash, and remain still, we can't have you popping a stitch, NURSE GET IN HERE!” Horse MD pushed Rainbow Dash back into the bed on her stomach and held her down as he began examining her back. “Thank Celestia you didn't pop a stitch or re-open your wounds. Miss Dash, I need you to remain calm, there was a horrible accident and we had to perform surgery. You are still healing so you need to remain calm and still so that you don't injure yourself further.” He took a deep shuddering breath, “And we had to amputate one and the other we only managed to set it, it will remain unusable. We did everything we could but...” He took a deep shuddering breath and quietly whispered to himself, “Celestia I am bad at that, where's that damned nurse?” Then in an audible voice, “We did everything we could but we could only save one.”

“What do you mean doc, amputate what? What’s unusable? What are you talking about?” Rainbow asked in a panicked voice. “What accident, what in the name of Tartarus is going on? Where are my friends?”

Nurse Redheart came trotting through the door, “Sorry Doctor Horse I was with Applejack. We were having some difficulties with her,” she said the last part hesitantly as though she had been searching for gentler words, “We had to deal with it immediately.” She took a deep breath “So Miss Dash, it's great to see you awake again, but we’ll need you to stay in bed for a little longer. I imagine Horse MD has been kind enough to tell you what has happened.” She gave both of them a smile that was a little forced when it passed over Horse MD.

“Eh-he, um yes, I’ll leave you and Miss Dash to your examination now.” Horse MD said, making a quick exit to avoid the glare he was receiving from Nurse Redheart.

“So Miss Dash, you and your friends, Twilight and Applejack, were in an accident in Twilights’ basement, and there were some unexpected complications.” Nurse Redheart busied herself, checking over Rainbow Dashs’ condition and the fluid levels of the pouches around her as she spoke. “Your other two friends fared much less fortunately than you yourself did, though your injuries were no laughing matter. You’ve been held in a medically induced coma for roughly two weeks.”

Rainbow let out a small squeak then tentatively asked, “What about Twilight and Applejack? Are they....”

“No, thankfully they are just in a coma, still alive. Though it has been a bit touch and go with your friend Applejack.” She sighed, shaking her head, “Twilight has been unresponsive completely and is in a deeper coma than Applejack. We fear she may never wake up. As for you, your wings received the worst damage.” She paused a second.

“My wings? Oh Celestia no, please tell me they are okay.” Rainbow was getting a little panicked as it slowly dawned on her why she was on her stomach. She tried to move her wings but was stopped with a gentle tap on her head from Nurse Redheart.

“Please Miss Dash, refrain from moving your wing, it’s still healing.”

Rainbow paused, “You mean wings right?” Nurse Redheart shook her head, watching Rainbow Dash as her expression grew desperate.

“I’m afraid not Miss Dash, we had to amputate one wing. It was beyond saving and had to be removed...” Nurse Redheart was interrupted by a wail of anguish from Rainbow Dash. She sighed to herself, “And I gather from your anguish that Doctor Horse was less forthcoming than I thought.”

Nurse Redheart sat on the bed and looked at Rainbow “Miss Dash, I know this is hard for you, but you are lucky to be alive. I know losing your wing is horrible; it might even hurt more knowing that you still have the other one as a reminder of what you’ve lost. When you are better we can discuss whether you want to keep your remaining wing or if you want us to remove it as well.”

Nurse Redheart took a deep breath, making sure the bandages were in place and putting on the brace so Rainbow Dash could lie on her back while she healed, quietly leaving the room and Rainbow Dash to her grieving. She couldn't imagine how hard it was for her to learn that she had lost all of her dreams in one horrific accident. No matter how horrible the accident, for it to take so much from such wonderful ponies, it was simply terrifying.

~~

Rainbow shuddered slightly as she remembered this. “I lost everything except my friends, over the course of those unconscious weeks. Everything I used to define myself, to earn a living, and to lose myself in, all lost because of one rash decision.” She spoke to herself, shook her head and began walking again.

“I don't regret it though. It hurts, but I don't regret it. It made me a stronger mare and taught me more about loyalty, and about myself, than I had learned in my entire life.” She looked up at the skies as she spoke, watching a few pegasi move clouds away for the scheduled clear skies. “Did I stay because of loyalty, like so many accused me of? I stayed after everyone else moved on. I never moved on with them. Sure Pinkie and Fluttershy still live here in Ponyville, but they continued with their lives.”

Rainbow sighed, “Why didn't I let myself move on? Why did I stay and wait for Twilight? What held me there by her side?” She walked up the hill that overlooked Sweet Apple Acres and took a seat under the tree at the top.

As she sat under the tree overlooking Sweet Apple Acres she took a deep breath, savoring the scent of apples that lingered about the air. “Fluttershy buried herself in her vet work and Pinkie took over the bakery. They stayed in Ponyville, but I was the one who stayed by Twilight's side. I didn't do it for loyalty, maybe some part did, I am the Element of Loyalty after all.” She let out a bitter chuckle and sighed deeply, before getting to her hooves and beginning the long walk back towards Ponyville. “My life didn't stall, did it? I found odd jobs to do and I rented an apartment, not that I stay in it often, but I do own one. I never really left the hospital though. I worked enough to pay rent and feed myself, but the rest of my time was spent by Twilight. Rarity used to joke that it was love, holding me by Twilights’ bedside. I used to think it was preposterous, but it's not that crazy, is it? I told myself I loved Applejack and no mare could replace her. Did I perhaps try to fill the hole she left with Twilight?”

She found herself where the library once stood, staring at the statue of Applejack, “Did I stay because I loved Twilight? Or because I felt I owed it to her, and to you? Did I feel some strange sense of responsibility to both of you? Was I too afraid of a life without you and her? Was it the uncertainty of what I would do now that I had lost everything?” She stared up at Applejack, seeking answers from the stone, “Why did I have to hide in her lab? Why did I have to kiss you like that? Why was I such a coward? Why couldn't I have just talked it over with you and her?” She put a hoof on the statue, it felt cold. “I miss you AJ. I miss you more than I ever thought it was possible to miss another pony. I can never undo what happened and I don't know how I was able to move on. Is it selfish of me to think that neither of us regrets what happened, that you would have moved on just like I did?”

She turned and leant against the statue. “I don't think it was love or responsibility that kept me here, but then it wasn't the loss of my dream either. It's weird. I always seem to think in circles when I try to figure out why I stuck by Twilights’ side through the years. I’ve never found an answer, yet I’m okay with that, I don't think I needed one. There is no real reason I stayed, or at least, not one I care about. I stayed here because it was right. I didn't stay because of loyalty or responsibility or because of love. I didn't stay because I was afraid of the world without my dreams and you. I didn't stay because I had no other dream to chase.”

She looked up at the statue, “I stayed because you would have wanted me to. I stayed because I loved you, and you loved Twilight. Maybe fear, loyalty, and uncertainty held me here, but ultimately, I did it because it was right and because it's what both of you would have wanted.” Rainbow wiped her eye with a hoof and chuckled, “I think I’m getting soft. I’ve cried so much since she woke up. Almost daily in fact. Ha! The great and wonderful Rainbow Dash, reduced to tears on a near-daily basis. Who would have thought I would ever grow so soft?” She stood up, walking to a bench facing the statue and sitting down.

“Even though I stayed, there was a time when it was the hardest thing I could have done. After you died I wanted to leave Twilight's side, I wanted to run away and never look back. I blamed her for your death at first, for stealing you away from us. How could she have done that? It was so selfish of her. To be honest, I was jealous of Twilight, and jealous of the affection you gave her. Jealous that you gave her your life in the end. I never really hated her. I certainly felt like I did, but I never truly hated Twilight.” Rainbow lowered her head as she admitted this. “It was just so hard, watching you fawn over Twilight, day-in and day-out. From the moment you woke up to the bitter end, you found a way to stay by her side.” She looked at the statue, “Why couldn't you have seen how much I was hurting for you? Why couldn't you have looked at me?”

Rainbow began to cry again. “I was there too; I was hurt too, while all you saw was your sleeping princess. Why couldn't you have held me, just once, like you held her her? Why couldn't you comfort me like you comforted her? I loved Twilight too, and it hurt me to watch her lying there like she was dead. The worst part about it was that, more than once, I honestly hoped Twilights’ condition would suddenly worsen and she would die, just so you would look at me.” Rainbow paused and took a few deep breaths.

“The first time I had those thoughts, I cried after they passed. It happened more often than I would like to admit, and then my wishes were answered, when Twilight’s heart started to fail, and the news about what you were going to do, came. The thought of losing you so that Twilight could live on in her coma, hurt me more than anyone. You never once discussed it with any of us. Sure it was probably the right decision, but why couldn't you have talked to us yourself instead of letting us find out like… like that. It hurt so bad, that I fled and never let you say goodbye to me. That’s probably my biggest regret in all of my life; that I never said goodbye to you Applejack. I just left after our last argument, telling you that I would rather see Twilight die than you. Me, the Element of Loyalty, decreeing that I was more loyal to my own desires than to my friends. No one ever realizes that loyalty is a two sided blade, that if you are loyal to one, you have to be disloyal to another.” Rainbow's tears began to flow again.

Rainbow felt somepony latch onto her leg and looked down, the eyes of a small filly meeting her own, “Hey squirt, what's up?”

“You looked sad, like somepony that needed a hug. It always helps me.” The small filly smiled up at her with sparkle in her eyes. “So did it work, do you feel better?”

Rainbow scooped the filly up, squeezing her tight and nuzzling her. “I do a little bit, thank you. Now run along, I’d like some more time to talk to my friend,” Rainbow waved a hoof at the statue, “before I go back and talk to my other friend.” Rainbow watched the little filly scamper off and turned back to the statue.

“I never used to like foals that much Applejack, always running around too much to pay any attention to them. Sure, I took care of Scootaloo a lot, but I never stopped to look at her. She was like the rest of the scenery that I never stopped to look at, but after the accident all I had left was memories of the scenery. It hurt so much to know the landscapes that I took for granted before, were all lost to me now. I still remember the wide open blue sky, the feel of my mane whipping around in the wind. I remember how the wind felt in my feathers and the forces on my body, as I pulled off my tricks. I remember floating above your farm just watching you work. I remember teaching Scootaloo the basics of flight and flying besides her as she flew for the first time.”

Rainbow sighed, “That accident made me so bitter, so hateful, and so sad. Most of all the accident left me filled with anger. Anger at everything. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it. I’ve spent too many hours on a couch talking about it. Talking about all the guilt I felt about the feelings that went through me, watching you fawn over Twilight. I know everything I felt was mostly due to my own problems but there’s still a part of me which will never be able to truly forgive you for what you did.”

Rainbow curled up on the bench, still looking at the statue. She took some deep breaths and dried her eyes on her fetlock. “I will never forgive you for leaving us like that. I have accepted it and that it won't change. But I will never forgive you. I can never forgive your decision to not tell us until it was over and done with. Everyone was devastated, when I walked in to see where you’d been all morning and saw those matching bandages on you and Twilight, I was devastated. I had heard the rumors but thought they were insane. I really am sorry for everything that I said that day, but I can't forgive you for not letting me know before you went through with it.” Rainbow took a steadying breath.

“Did you know I watched as you said your goodbyes? I saw your heartfelt goodbye to your family, I don't think I’ve ever seen Big Mac cry so much, he even out-cried Applebloom, and she could cry. She doesn't really cry at all now. She says she cried all the tears she could ever produce over you. Your goodbye to Rarity was quite touching as well, letting her design a dress for you to be buried in. It's a miracle she finished it in time with all the crying she was doing making it, and letting Pinkie Pie arrange the funeral and the party to commemorate your life? That was brilliant sentiment. It was probably the greatest party and send off she ever threw. She actually mellowed out after that party, like she knew she would never be able to top it.”

“And Fluttershy? Giving her your blessing to chase Big Mac? That was priceless. She couldn't look him in the eyes for days; he was so confused at first. She went by the farm almost every day to help out with Applebloom. The day she told him what you had said, was the first happy day in Ponyville since your death. Did you know they had twins?” Rainbow chuckled a bit. “Fraternal twins, an earth pony and a pegasus.”

Rainbow got up again and walked over to the statue, placing a hoof on it. “The earth pony looks just like you, it's adorable. Applebloom loves them so much, she foalsits for them all the time.” Rainbow leant into the statue. “After everything that happened to me and all the hurt that the accident caused, the only regret I have ever had was hurting you, and not letting you say goodbye to me. I was just so lonely. You were right there and yet you were miles away. Have you ever felt like you have no place left in the world? I would never feel the embrace of the sky again; I would never feel your loving embrace, reserved only for Twilight. I could never achieve my dream that I had been chasing since before I got my cutie mark. It was terrifyingly lonely. I was afraid to be honest, not just lonely but terrified. It only got worse as you and Twilight deteriorated, the fear was overwhelming the day you told us you had saved Twilight.”

She placed a hoof on the statue. “I know now, that that fear was stupid, but it was so horrifying for me back then. After you died, I worked hard and I took your place by Twilight's side. I don't know if I truly love her or if it's something else, but a small piece of me feels for her. I once thought it might be because she held your heart, but I know now that it isn't. She can never replace you, but she’s gained a place next you in my heart. Even if I don't love her like I love you, she is still as special to me as you were.”

Rainbow stood up and turned to face the statue, “Thanks for listening again AJ, I’m gonna get going. It's late and Twilight should be done with the princesses by now, so I was thinking I’d grab some cupcakes for her and surprise her. I’ll be back again sometime.” Rainbow said over her shoulder as she headed off to Sugarcube Corner, feeling slightly better than she had for a while. She found herself whistling a bit with a spring in her step. That all came crashing down when she saw Twilight sitting at a table in front of Sugarcube Corner with a stetson that had singed edges and holes burnt through it.

Twilight sat with the hat in front of her, her shoulders visibly shaking as she held a small piece of paper in her hooves. Rainbow darted up to her and wrapped her in her hooves; Twilight returned the embrace, weeping silently as she buried her head into Rainbow’s chest. Rainbow looked at the letter on the table. It read:

             My Darling Twilight,

First off I would like to say I'm sorry. I left you to fend for yourself in a new world without my voice and guidance. If you’re reading this, then they performed the surgery and I am with you in a small way. I left you with my heart, as I promised, and I took a piece of you with me. I know it's going to be hard for you, but I believe you can do it. I will always be with you, even if you can't hear me.

I imagine you'll have Rainbow by your side as well, to help you with things. If she is, tell her that I say goodbye and I forgive her for everything. Tell her that I am sorry that I neglected her in the end; I did it because I couldn't bear to see her without her wings.

Most of all, my dear Twilight, know that I love you with everything I was and I tried my hardest to wait for you to return to me. Whatever you do, don't let yourself grow depressed and don't let yourself forget that our friends, no matter where they are, are there for you.

                                                                                                                             Your Love

                                                                                                                             Applejack