Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Somewhere over the rainbow

Way up high

There's a land that I heard of

Once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow

Skies are blue

And the dreams that you dare to dream

Really do come true

Someday I'll wish upon a star

And wake up where the clouds are far

Behind me

Where troubles melt like lemon drops

Away above the chimney tops

That's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow

Bluebirds fly

Birds fly over the rainbow

Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly

Beyond the rainbow

Why, oh why can't I?

As Rainbow Dash finished singing she gently kissed her new roommate just below her purple horn, “Sleep tight Twi, I’m here for you.” Rainbow looked at the sleeping mare and remembered how hard the first few days away from the hospital had been for her.

~~

Twilight had seemed fine whenever she went to see her, excluding the first couple of days after she had first come to. Rainbow hadn't thought much about how Twilight was handling the situation she was in until Rainbow had invited Twilight to stay at her place after she was discharged from the hospital. Twilight was hesitant, but she really hadn't had anywhere else to go so Rainbow had offered her use of her apartment. It had taken very little convincing on Rainbow's part; Twilight didn't want to burden her any more than she had already, but could only offer token resistance, mostly due of her lack of options.

Twilight spent most of the first day looking around Rainbow's apartment before finding herself on the balcony, staring at the sky blankly. Rainbow hadn't thought much of it until the third hour of Twilight just sitting there, expressionlessly staring at the sky, passed. She brought her in to have dinner and talk. It had been a bit unnerving because Twilight hadn't seemed to notice the passage of time at all. Rainbow tried during dinner to get Twilight to open up and talk about what had happened and how she was doing, but she failed completely. Twilight simply ate her meal in silence, staring into the middle distance and occasionally blinking. After dinner they both made their way to bed. Rainbow only had the one, and she tried to persuade Twilight to use it instead of her, but Twilight had insisted, saying that she wanted a warm body near her. Twilight told Rainbow that she was lonely and it had been hard for her to sleep in the hospital because she was used to Applejack sleeping besides her. It was the first hint about how Twilight was doing that Rainbow had seen, but it seemed fairly trivial, so she relented and crawled into the bed with Twilight. Twilight promptly snuggled up close to her and drifted off, Rainbow quickly following suit.

Rainbow was awoken shortly after they had both drifted off as Twilight began thrashing about and whimpering. She tried holding Twilight's head and gently stroking her mane as she whispered to her that everything was fine. It calmed Twilight, but she still thrashed a bit from time to time, Rainbow still had the bruises to prove it. After trying a few different methods and finding out how the hard way just how strong Twilight was, even after eight years in a coma, forcing Rainbow to relent and stick to simply stroking her mane and trying to soothe the restless pony. Rainbow didn't sleep a wink and spent the night soothing Twilight. The next morning when she brought it up, Twilight denied it, claiming she felt she had slept fine. For the sake of her friend, Rainbow took great pains to hide her bruises and obvious signs of sleep deprivation from Twilight.

It happened the again the night after that, and then Rainbow remembered the old song her mother sang her, before her family had sent her away and disowned her, it was one of the few happy memories she still had of her parents. When she sang it that night as she held Twilight, the restless pony had calmed down, drifting into a peaceful sleep, and allowing Rainbow to sleep peacefully for the first time in too many nights. It had become a nightly thing for her to sing to Twilight whenever the night fears surfaced in Twilight’s mind, snuggling close to her after and holding her tight so she wouldn't feel alone.

~~

Rainbows thoughts returned to the present, a concerned look passing over her face, as she began thinking about the things she had noticed over the week Twilight been living with her. Twilight might look and act like she was holding up fine, but Rainbow had noticed a few signs to hint otherwise. She often found Twilight staring out the window at the sky with a blank face, or she would stop talking mid-sentence and trail off into silence, looking into the middle distance. There were the nightly fits that she had to stop with the lullaby, and there was also the crying when she thought she was alone. The most worrying thing Rainbow noticed was that Twilight would sometimes cry without any change in her face. She would be talking, smiling and looking happy, except for the tears which streamed down her face. She never seemed to notice the tears when this happened, it was the most unnerving thing, and it terrified Rainbow.

Rainbow gently stroked the sleeping Twilight's mane, resolving to talk to her in the morning, before she crawled under the covers and wrapped herself around Twilight like a blanket.

~~

Rainbow didn't get a chance to talk to Twilight until the next night, they’d had a busy day writing to Rarity and Fluttershy and helping Twilight learn to move her wheelchair with help from the leylines the Princesses had woven into the chair to allow movement with a minimal amount of magic. The chance came that night when Rainbow awoke with a start, realizing that Twilight hadn't started her usual thrashing caused by her night terrors. Instead, Twilight was missing completely, Rainbow panicked for a second before she noticed a silhouette, sitting on the balcony and staring up at the sky. She walked over to Twilight and gently lifted her from the wheelchair to the bench next to her, wrapping a hoof around her.

Twilight took a deep shuddering breath, glancing up at the intruder, “Rainbow, where did you come from?”

Rainbow breathed in the night air for a moment before looking back at Twilight, “I'm sorry, I noticed you weren't in bed and I thought you might like some company out here.” Rainbow smiled warmly at Twilight before sighing, “Twilight, I know you don't want to talk about it, but I am worried. You act like you're fine but I can see that you’re not. You drift off, you cry without knowing you are, you lose yourself in the sky constantly. It's worrying me, please let me know what you’re thinking, I could help.” Rainbow gently stroked Twilight's mane as she spoke.

Twilight thought for a second before looking across the balcony again. “Rainbow for you it's been eight long years, but for me it's been the blink of an eye. I went to sleep and woke up in a world I couldn't fathom. I saw you, crippled and in pain, the love of my life gone forever, and my friends had all drifted away. All this happened while I peacefully slept the years away. I woke up a month ago and saw a world that had forgotten about me. I held you back; I wasn't even awake and I took you away from the world. I look at the sky and I wonder if this is how Luna felt when she returned, trapped in a world which had forgotten her and left her behind. I wonder if the world even noticed that I left.” Twilight started sobbing, “I keep pushing you away because I don't want to do this to you… I want you to live your life again. I don't belong in this world, but you do.”

Twilight paused to breathe, steadying herself. “I’ve taken, not just one, but two wonderful ponies from the world. One of them is still alive, but you’re not in the world anymore, not really. I stopped you from moving on with the world and held you here with me. You left this world completely because of my actions and carelessness.”

“The worst part is that I feel like I should be hated. I robbed this village of two wonderful ponies, and nopony even seems to care that it was my fault. Applebloom forgave me, I stole the closest thing to a mother she ever had and she forgave me. She gave me the hat that AJ wore all the time and she forgave me. How can she forgive me? She should hate me. Applebloom should want to kill me, take revenge, but instead she forgives me. Then there's you, you were so loyal to me, but I held you back, your dreams were gone and I held you, with chains of loyalty I didn’t deserve, from finding more while I slept. I wasn't even aware of it but I couldn't let you go, I forced you to watch the world move on while everyone forget us.”

Twilight buried herself in Rainbow's chest as her she sobbed harder, “Then there's this feeling that I failed Her, and instead of hanging onto her memories I find myself moving on. I find myself looking at someone else like I looked at her. I just learnt she died, but it still doesn't seem real and I find that I’m already moving on. I failed her because I constantly stare at the sky, wondering about the easiest way to join her. I want to end my life, but her gift,” Twilight placed a hoof over her chest, “beating in my chest, stops me. I can barely get myself up every morning, I just want to keep sleeping forever, but listening to the beating of her heart reminds me how mad you got and how mad AJ would be at me for these thoughts, and so I drag myself out and plaster on a smile. I feel it beating in my chest, each beat feeling like another link in a chain, tying me to a life I feel I don't deserve, and a life I desperately feel should end. It’s a life that I’m no longer part of, a life that is eight years older than I am and has forgotten me. It's a life that exists without me and yet here I am, forcing myself onto it.”

Rainbow shuddered slightly; she hadn't realized just how hard this was on Twilight. She hadn't stopped to think that she’d had eight years to come to terms with things, but Twilight had done this almost overnight. Everything Rainbow had had time to deal with was only just starting to hit Twilight. She remembered how hard it had been for her and could only imagine how hard this was for Twilight. She pulled Twilight in closer and whispered, “I am sorry.”

Twilight sobbed harder, “Why are you sorry? Everything was my fault. I was careless in my lab and I robbed you of your dreams because of it. I robbed this world of a wonderful pony because of it. I shouldn't be forgiven, yet everyone is so forgiving. I can't stand it, I don't deserve forgiveness. I deserve hatred and loathing, not forgiveness. I am the most powerful unicorn since Starswhirl and I couldn't do anything because I was unconscious. I couldn't save the mare I loved or my best friend, all because I was too stupid to see a world outside my books.” Twilight was nearly hysterical by this point. “Why did the world forget me and you? Why didn't you forget me too and move one? Why did you have to stay and let the world go on without you? I don't deserve you, I don't deserve this life. You deserve so much better, you deserve to live in the world. I stole it from you and I couldn't do anything about it.”

Twilight paused to breathe for a minute before continuing, her voice much quieter now. “Applejack was a better pony than me; she deserved to be here today not me. I can't even perform great magic anymore; the princesses could only give me false magic that allows me the simplest of levitation spells. I can do no more than help myself in and out of the wheelchair and move the wheelchair, without risking my magic forever. I’m useless now, but AJ would have been able to continue on the farm doing paperwork. I lost my home and my job; my dreams have turned into the same ashes as my home. AJ deserves to be here, not me. I should be the one remembered in a statue with nothing but a plaque to let people see who I was, not Applejack.” Twilight's sobbing had resumed full force as she continued pouring out her soul to Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow kept stroking her mane, “Twilight, I know it hurts, but it’ll pass eventually. Applejack doesn't deserve to be here anymore than you do, she chose to let you continue because she loved you and wanted to give you the chance. She knew that you would find a place for yourself, even without magic you are a great unicorn. You are a brilliant pony, with or without your magic.” Twilight clutched Rainbow even tighter, and began speaking again.

“What good are the Elements of Harmony with one dead and another who has lost their virtue? I was the protector of harmony and now I am nothing. I am nothing but a weak, crippled, unicorn. You have lost your wings but there is still so much you can do. I lost my magic and my legs and have nothing left. What can I do? I can read books. What a wonder that is. I can do what anypony with an education can do. What am I without my magic and the ability to wield my element?” She clung tightly to Rainbow as she let her soul tumble forth from her eyes and her mouth.

“Twilight, you may not be the Element of Magic any more but you are still Twilight the smartest pony in Equestria today. You are also Twilight Sparkle, the mare I couldn't live without. I lost my dreams with my wings, but after Applejack passed I had a new dream. I dreamed of the day you would wake up and everyone would get together again, and things would be happy again. I told myself that Twilight wouldn't sleep forever and someday we could share the memory of Applejack together.”

“Would you like to know why I kept one wing Twilight?” Twilight nodded slightly. “I kept it because it makes me think of you. I have one wing that is nothing but a stump full of memories, like my feeling for Applejack, the other is a maimed and scarred wing, it may look useless but I can still feel the elements through it. I can tell the weather with it, I can stretch it out and feel the wind in it. It isn't the same wing but it's still there and it helps me remember the things I forgot. That wing is like you, it’s different now, but if you think about it and look at it you can see how great it once was and how great it still is, even though it is so different than before.” Rainbow flared out her remaining wing with barely a wince and flapped it. “This wing is still a wing, even without the ability to do what it once did, and even if it looks ugly it has its own beauty in its ability to survive. It still has the ability to hold things and move them; it can still be useful even though it's lost the ability to do its original functions. It's still a beautiful wing.” Rainbow stroked Twilight's mane lightly, she knew that she had been lying to herself now.

Rainbow knew that every time she had said she wasn't falling for Twilight or that she didn't love Twilight, she had been lying. She could feel it as she spoke, she could feel the warmth in her chest. She could feel the same warmth that had once only appeared whenever she was near Applejack. She knew she couldn't let Twilight know yet, the poor thing had more than enough to deal with.

Rainbow continued, switching away from the topic of her remaining wing. “Twilight the day you woke up, my dream that I had after I lost Applejack began to bear fruit. Now that you’re awake, we can all come together again and remember the times gone by. We can tell you about the world you have missed and the world you’re now in. This world hasn't completely forgotten you yet, there are still those in it who won't let it. Now that you’re up, those who kept you alive in the world can tell you of the years you missed.”

Twilight released her hold of Rainbow Dash and looked up at the sky again. “I don't know Rainbow; I don't feel like I really belong in this world. It’s moved on without me for eight years already, maybe there’s a place in it for me, but I don't know if I want to find it, or if I even have the strength to. Everything I had is gone, eight years has seen to its erasing. All I have left is you and what Applejack left me. The princesses are still here, but even they’ve had to continue without me. Luna is perhaps the only one who can empathize with me, she lost a thousand years. Compared to her, my plight is nothing, but it feels like it’s worse somehow. Luna lost her sister; she didn't have a lot other than that to lose. When she returned, she was never recognized as Princess Luna, but there were still remnants left of what she had done. I left nothing; I have no remnants that I left. My friends left, they moved on and forgot me. They left me like they would a useless tool, it was wonderful and they loved it till it broke.”

Twilight began to weep again, “I’m only in this world because a forgotten pony chained me to it. I love that pony, but who really remembers her? To everyone else she’s a memory and life has moved on. I am the same now, just a memory brought back into the world. I’m a memory with a body that has no place in the world it's been chained to. You tell me that things can be picked up and fixed and we can resume where we left off, but that's impossible. The rest of my life will be spent trying to regain the time I lost, how is that a way to live?” By the time Twilight finished talking she was crying full-on into Rainbow's chest once more.

Rainbow stared at her friend, afraid to speak lest it upset Twilight more, instead, she pulled her in for another hug and kissed her forehead, remaining like that for several minutes until Twilight's crying died down and she had ceased sobbing. “Perhaps you’re right, but what if you chose to not try and regain what you lost, but you choose to start over instead. Begin making new memories with new ponies, restart your friendship studies. Those ponies you once knew are now new ponies for you to get to know. You don't have to try and make up for lost time; you can just continue from where you left off. I’d want you to, but if you don't think you can, let’s just start from square one and get to know the new ponies who you knew in a past life.”

Twilight paused and stared at Rainbow Dash with her tear stained face, “Since when have you been so insightful? You were always so rash and now you have insightful help. Maybe you’re right. You’re not the pony I knew and yet you are.” Twilight pulled Rainbow close and snuggled up to her. “I think I’ll take your advice. I can't shake everything and I still don't know if I can keep living in this new world, but I can try. I can try and meet new ponies and make friends with them. It will be hard since I remember who they once were, but I think if you’re there with me, maybe I can make it. You are one of my reasons for not running away from this new life I’ve been given.”

Rainbow took a deep breath, “Twilight if you feel any of those thoughts again, please tell me. I worry a lot about you right now. I didn't realize how hard things have been for you and the fact you kept it a secret worries me the most. Promise me that the next time you feel like ending it, you’ll talk to me sooner. I’ve waited eight years for you to return and I don't think I could take it if you left me again. I’ve already lost one pony I love… I don't think I could handle losing another. Pinkie Pie, I know wouldn't be able to take it, she took the Applejacks death harder than any of us. So please, if those thoughts plague you again, tell me.”

Twilight smiled at Rainbow, “Of course, you are currently my anchor to the world and I need to trust you. I still love Applejack and I always will… but I can't cling to it, she wouldn't want me to. She’s still here in a way, and even if I don't feel strong enough to keep going, I have you to lean on.”

Rainbow smiled warmly, “That's all I need you to know, if you need a shoulder to cry on or a pony to lean on for support, that's me. I’ve been by your side for eight years, dreaming of the day you would wake up again. I swore that when you awoke, I’d be there for you as Applejack would have been if she was there.” Rainbow gently picked up Twilight again, “Let's get to bed; Fluttershy said she’ll be returning tomorrow in her letter and I think you should be rested for this one. We should also find a way to thank Ditzy Doo for getting our letters out in one day, and managing to bring a letter back with her in the same day too.” She lay Twilight in the bed and crawled in next to her. Twilight snuggled up against her and drifted off.

Rainbow wrapped Twilight in her arms and nuzzled her. She waited until she was sure Twilight was asleep, before whispering to the sleeping mare, “I love you, I see that now. I lost Applejack, but you filled the hole she left, I still love her, but I know she’s gone and you’ve taken a spot next to her in my heart. Please never leave me again.” The sleeping Twilight smiled and snuggled closer in her sleep, the best sleep she’d had since she woke up.