The Dating Game... in Equestria!

A different theme song composed by a musician that was actually half-decent boomed out of the new secondhand speakers as Trixie morosely dragged herself onstage. The audience, in a different studio with much larger seating capacity, cheered wildly, several throwing the bricks they were holding up high and trying to catch them after they came down. More than a few conked other audience members on the head, and paramedic teams with the game show's logo on their little hats quickly darted through the aisles to place the unconscious bodies on stretchers and run them out the studio doors.

Trixie, her garish yellow vest replaced with a similar-looking outfit that was decked in far more bells and whistles yet still retained all of the old costume's itchiness, seemed to pay no attention to the roaring crowd, hanging her head dejectedly as the audience slowly quieted to a dull murmur. Trixie raised her head, showing the tears forming in her eyes.

"The staff have informed me over the past week, that, due to... certain events that occurred in the last taping..." Trixie stopped and put a hoof to her chest, small sobs wracking her frame as she composed herself. "The ratings of... 'The Dating Game in Equestria'... have gone through the roof."

The crowd cheered, a few more bricks were thrown into the air in celebration, and another couple of audience members were carted out the doors before Trixie again had enough silence to speak audibly.

"They have informed me... that, due to these ratings... 'The Dating Game in Equestria' will not be cancelled in the foreseeable future."

The crowd again cheered in approval as Trixie's hooves gave out from under her and she slumped into a heap onstage.

After the crowd calmed and Trixie remained motionless where she lay for half a minute, one of the show's technicians came from backstage and began prodding at Trixie with the tip of the boom mike he was holding. Trixie waved him away after a couple of pokes, and slowly got back on her hooves.

"Now, to follow up with more terrible news... Due to this newfound attention, certain groups have been pressuring 'The Dating Game in Equestria.'" A hint of snide irritation was worming its way back into Trixie's voice, although she was still fighting through a thick curtain of deep breaths and small sobs. "These... groups... have derided the show as being 'unfair to equal marriage' and 'narrow-minded in scope.' Thus, the game's producers have seen fit to hold a special episode of 'The Dating Game in Equestria,' featuring..." Trixie sighed. "Same-sex couples."

The audience erupted into wild conversations as they discussed the matter among themselves. Some ponies voiced concerns that throwing bricks at gay ponies, even if those ponies were jerks, would be seen as discrimination toward marginalized groups. If, say, Sombra turned out to be gay, the resulting guilt after beaning him with a brick would be unbearable, even if he did enslave an entire population for his own greedy and megalomaniacal purposes! A couple of the more savvy members hoped dearly that none of the future threats to Equestria were ever gay. Should it come to that, it would be a tough, nation-changing decision of either defending their homeland and children or harming a gay villain. The few that whooped and threw their bricks up in celebration at the opportunity to throw bricks at gay ponies were promptly assaulted with the bricks from other audience members before they could get the first syllable out of "Celestia hates fillyfoolers," and more paramedics carted them out of the studio.

Celestia herself didn't even seem to notice what was going on around her, thoroughly engrossed in the game of four-dimensional tic-tac-toe she was playing with Discord in the front row.

Despite having freshly wet lines running down her face, Trixie still only had patience for perhaps thirteen seconds of nonsense a day, and her quota had long been filled before she'd even finished breakfast. Trixie activated her magic to sound out a whip's crack, and the audience immediately quieted. "Despite this terrible loss to political correctness which we all feel, Trixie must tell you that we have a sophisticated voice system and screen in place to ensure that the pony asking the questions does not know whom he or she is talking to. Let's just get this farce over with so I can return to wallowing in my own pain."

Trixie walked over to a struggling Rainbow Dash bound by ropes to a chair. "Rainbow Dash, are you ready?"

"Hey, let me outta here!" The pegasus replied, rocking the chair back and forth. "Why do I have to be the one here, anyway?"

"Polls indicated you were most popularly regarded as a homosexual out of all the mane six, so you get the privilege of being the pony to ask the questions," Trixie said, her tone now containing more of its typical smug streak. "And Trixie will have you know that your friends also encouraged the studio to put you on today. Trixie believes they said something about not being afraid to come out of the closet?"

Rainbow Dash's eyes widened, and she yanked at her bindings with newfound vigor. Trixie normally didn't enjoy lying in situations where she knew she'd get found out eventually, but she needed every little consolation she could get in the face of her hopes of the show's cancellation being crushed. "And here in chair one, we have… yet another kid." An orange filly stared eagerly up at Trixie, grinning madly. "Trixie needs to talk to a few ponies, she thinks."

The filly giggled. Trixie sighed, and moved on. "In the second chair, we have a Ms. Pinkie Pie. …Again."

"Hi, Trixie! I had so much fun with Soarin' the first time, that I really wanted to come back, but they said I couldn't be on the show twice, so I asked them really nicely and they said that I could be a pony answering the questions and so I said 'YES' and they were all like-"

"Aaaaaand in the third chair," Trixie interrupted, turning to the final seat, "we have some pony named 'Moondancer.'" As the crowd gave its usual applause, Trixie leaned in to the unicorn and whispered, "Who are you again...?"

"I'm doing my best to learn what friendship really is," Moondancer replied. "Some... recent experiences have taught me that the world is quite a lot bigger than what I've experienced, so I'm doing research to find the truth."

Trixie facehoofed. "So you came on a dating show?"

Moondancer shuffled in her seat. "Okay, I'll admit that 90% of it is to score. Reading through sexual anatomy textbooks with prospective dates doesn't work out too well as subject matter for some reason, so it's been a while. But the other ten percent is nothing but science. I swear!"

Trixie shook her head before walking back over to Rainbow Dash, who at the moment was trying to bite through the ropes holding her. "Here's your question card. Ask only questions that are on this card, in any order. If you're confused about anything, please don't ask me." With that, Trixie pulled over a stand, propped up the question card on it, stalked over to the side of the stage, and plopped down with a furrowed brow as she started massaging the sides of her head with her hooves.

Unable to free herself, the trussed-up pegasus groaned and looked at the card. "Fine, whatever gets me out of here the fastest. Pony one, what song would you pick to serenade me with?"

"Ooh, ooh!" The filly jumped down, buzzing her tiny wings. She began singing the lyrics to a power ballad a cappella, forcing everypony in the room to cover his or her ears in pain. Rainbow Dash, tied up as she was, could not plug her ears, and so had to sit through the torture.

After several seconds of unbearable sour notes, Trixie, using a silence spell, placed a soundproof bubble around the pegasus filly. A few of the paramedics who were fast enough to put in earplugs combed the aisles and picked up a few ponies enduring seizures and frothing at the mouth, escorting them outside for fresh air.

Rainbow Dash wheezed, sweat pouring down her face as she recovered from the impromptu song. "Okay… pony two… what would you write in a love letter?"

"Oh!" Pinkie Pie said. "Well, I'd first write your name, then how you make me feel real happy, and then I'd compare you to all the nice things in life, like ice cream and cake and friendship and early morning cartoons and baking and parties and turnips and chocolate and balloons and banana-flavored candy but not actual bananas and-"

"Alright already!" Trixie shouted. "We get it!"

Rainbow Dash strongly suspected that Pinkie Pie was in chair number two, and reserved that spot for an option to pick if none of the other choices were more interesting. "Pony three, are you easily offended?"

"Well, aside from perfectly justified anger, I'm not that quick to fly off the handle," Moondancer said. "That said, I do take immediate issue with those who act like CDO is trivial."

"What's CDO?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"It's OCD, except the letters are in alphabetical order. As they should be." Moondancer sniffed, pushing her glasses up her nose.

Against her better judgment, Trixie couldn't help but ask, "Doesn't that defeat the point of calling it 'OCD' if the rearranged letters don't even stand for anything?"

"Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up!" Moondancer yelled, clamping her hooves over her ears. "Can't hear you over the sound of you being wrong! Caaaan't heeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaar yooooooooouuuuuuuuuuu! You're meeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!"

Moondancer proceeded to throw a tantrum, followed by crying into her chair until she was brought a glass of warm milk and cookies by a tech pony. She eventually calmed down, but she had to take a couple of minutes to stop her hiccups. Rainbow quite nearly sarcastically asked her if she was done yet, but decided not to risk a second meltdown. "Pony one, tell me about yourself in three words."

The filly tried to answer, but the soundproof bubble around her was still active. Trixie sighed, and several audience members clutched their ears in a precautionary measure as the shield dissolved.

"What was that?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Rainbow Dash fan!" The orange pegasus leapt into the air, her wings buzzing furiously as she floated slowly down. "I'm gonna grow up to be just like you one day!"

The object of her reverence smiled at the filly's words. "Well, I am pretty awesome." Looking at the card again, Rainbow's face contorted in disgust. "Pony two, top or bottom?"

The audience gasped. Pinkie adopted an unreadable expression. Rainbow Dash bit her lip, afraid that she'd asked the wrong question.

"I'd pick the middle, because that's where all the fun is!"

Rainbow didn't quite know how to interpret that. "Okay… Pony three, do you rise with the sun, or are you awake with the moon?"

"Easy," Moondancer said, "I'm a night pony. See, for some reason there are these outmoded social taboos against reading about advanced cultural sex positions in public even if it's purely for academic and scholastic interests, so there's really little choice when I'm at the library."

Rainbow Dash cocked an eyebrow. "Cultural sex positions. Really?"

"Hey," Moondancer replied, "when you're trapped by a jealous Griffon in the Scissorwing Sex Position and screaming for help, what other fillyfriend would know how to extricate you without your head being decapitated? I challenge you to find anypony else as knowledgeable as I!"

The audience laughed as Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "Okay then, if I ever make plans to cross jealous griffons that want to sexually decapitate me, I'll keep you in mind. Pony one, what do you value most in your romantic relationships?"

The pegasus filly flinched, eyes darting around. "Umm... Well, I-I guess I could do kissing, if, you know, you thought it was cool..."

Rainbow Dash scoffed. "Well, considering this is apparently same-sex couple edition, then yeah, kissing is kind of part of the package here."

"But that's gay!" Scootaloo blurted out. The crowd exploded into laughter and several "duh!"s as Scootaloo looked around for what was so funny and Rainbow Dash groaned, the ropes tying her down preventing her from facehoofing.

"Okay, okay," Rainbow Dash said, irritated. "Pony two, what are your favorite foods?"

Pinkie Pie inhaled in a squeaky gasp. "OH, EM, GEE! I eat ice cream and cake and toaster strudels and caramel apples and Skrillex and cupcakes and chocolate milk and regular old chocolate and grilled cheeses and banana-flavored candy but not actual bananas and sugar, sugar, so much sugar!" Pinkie Pie squealed in delight, hugging herself and slurping up air with her tongue.

Rainbow Dash grimaced. Definitely Pinkie Pie. "Okay, pony three, uh, 'get revenge on Twilight Sparkle for-' wait, this isn't a question!"

Trixie zipped over to Rainbow, snatching the card away from her sight and laughing nervously. "Oh, that's nothing!" Trixie levitated over a marker, scratching frantically over the card. "Nothing at all! Okay, Rainbow Dash! Time to pick your pony!"

The cyan pegasus looked at Trixie with a mixed degree of suspicion. "I pick pony two."

"Okay!" Trixie responded, levitating the card behind her to where she was also magically holding a burning match. "Let's see who you rejected!" Scootaloo trudged out from behind the screen, head drooping. "You rejected Scootaloo Hopkins of Ponyville!"

"Rainbow Dash…" the filly mumbled, before looking up at her idol with tears in her eyes. "I thought you liked me."

"I-I do, Scoots!" Rainbow stuttered. "It's just that-"

Scootaloo had already gone tearing out of the studio, bawling all the way.

"And on that uplifting note," Trixie said, "you also rejected Moondancer of Canterlot."

Moondancer came around, nodding to Rainbow and giving a farewell of, "Could have experienced the thestral moon harvest mating rituals..." before she cantered out the doors.

"And so, Rainbow Dash, you picked-"

"Pinkie Pie, I know," Rainbow Dash completed. "Can you not be so dramatic about it?"

Trixie huffed. "Fine, you see what it's like having to do this for money."

Rainbow opened her mouth to reply, but got a cupcake shoved into her face instead. "Here, Dashie!" Pinkie said, removing her hoof from Rainbow's face with a loud pop. We're going to have so much fun together!"

"Yeah," Rainbow mumbled through creamy frosting and sprinkles. "Tho musch fun."

"Okay you two," Trixie said, holding up three envelopes, "pick your vacation spot. And the earth pony can't choose."

Pinkie whined, making a sad face, but Trixie grunted and shoved the envelopes towards Rainbow Dash. The pegasus looked at Pinkie Pie and extended a hoof towards the leftmost envelope. Pinkie Pie shook her head. Rainbow Dash moved her hoof to the rightmost envelope. Pinkie Pie nodded so fast her head became a blur.

"I think I'll choose this one," Rainbow Dash said, indicating the rightmost envelope. Trixie scowled at Pinkie Pie, before giving them the one that they asked for.

"Looks like you've won a trip to Canterlot," Trixie said in a voice dripping with indifference. "I'm sure absolutely nopony expected this."

"Yay, Canterlot!" Pinkie Pie shouted.

The two friends walked offstage, and Trixie addressed the audience. "That's all for this half of 'The Dating Game in Equestria.' Tune in after the break for the male round."

The new-but-still-generic theme music played again to the crowd's applause, and Trixie rushed offstage to get plenty of alcohol into her system before the next half. Aspirin just wouldn't cut it any more.

"Welcome back to 'The Dating Game in Equestria," Trixie slurred, rocking back and forth on unsteady hooves. "Now we're going to get the males to do some stuff or other… let's see… oh yeah, there's a male picking from three other males… Whatever. Let's go see what's… um…" Trixie teetered on the brink of falling over. A splash of drool fell out of her mouth.

Languidly shaking her head, Trixie stumbled towards the stallion sitting in the chair, an eager grin on his face. "And for our pony of the hour, it's… Braeburn."

"Howdy, everypony!" the earth pony shouted. "Welcome to A-pple-loosa!"

At his voice, the entire audience squeed, and several rushed from their seats to tackle the irresistible stallion, more following suit moments later. The screen crashed down as the three males behind it leapt into the action. All of the ponies soon buried Braeburn in what could only be described as a spoon-hugging, cuddling, screaming, massive, witless orgy, males and females alike grabbing at the pony in the middle of it all and senselessly beating at each other to hold him alone.

Trixie, being as hammered as she was, simply fell down on her behind and watched the pile of pushy, promiscuous ponies grow bigger and bigger before shrugging and walking offstage. "Not my problem, now I can take a little nap."

With even the crewmembers having darted out to join the herd, Trixie was unopposed as she slammed open her dressing room door and flopped onto the small bed inside. Before passing out, the depressed drunken unicorn made one final declaration:

"Political correctness can shove it."