“Holy shit… even Tirek didn’t fuck the library up this bad…”

Spike stared blatantly at the wreckage of his house. It was a disaster zone, a complete orgy of destruction and chaos. It would take a small army to clean all this up and he was pretty sure almost everypony in the room was far too hung over to do anything productive. He gingerly walked over the sleeping ponies, doing his best not to step on anyone and made his way to the broom closet. There was a strange rummaging noise coming from within, and Spike gulped as he reached for the door handle…and out popped out two groggy looking mares.

Lyra and Bonbon fell to the floor on top of one of another. They smelt of sweat, gin, and a good time. Spike rolled his eyes, giving the green unicorn a few kicks to wake her up. After a few minutes, Lyra’s eyes started to open, flinching a little at the brightness of the light.

“Oh goddess…” she groaned, pulling herself up off the ground. “Hey Spike… what time is it?”

“I think it’s getting close to noon, but to be honest I have no idea.”

Lyra scratched her head. “It’s not even noon? What the hell Spike?” She collapsed back onto the floor. “It’s way too early to do anything, why the hell did you do wake me up?”

“Because I needed to get into the damn closet!” Spike mumbled, stepping over the hung over ponies and reaching out for the broom. When he touched it, he could hear the two ponies snickering a little under their breaths. “What?” He demanded, not in the mood for all this. “What’s so funny? C’mon, spit it out you two.”

“Oh, nothing!” Bonbon cackled, digging her face into her pink and blue mane in an attempt to hide her grin. “It’s just that… we used that broom handle last night.”

“What do you mean used?”

“They did everything with it.” A frail, traumatized voice whispered from the closet. From the darkness, a bloodshot Fluttershy shambled out, her eyes unblinking and her expression blanks as if she had just witnessed a murder. “Terrible things… unholy things… butt things… things that I thought weren’t even possible… and I had a hoof in it all. I must have drank too many non-alcoholic beverages that they became alcoholic again.” She drifted past Spike. “If you don’t mind. I’m going to go home… and take a shower… for the rest of my life. I'm such a naughty little pervert.”

As the yellow pegasus exited the remnants of the Golden Oaks, Spike was beginning to put together what Fluttershy was saying. When he got to ‘butt things’ he had dropped the broom and turned to Lyra and Bonbon. “So… what you’re saying is… you had sex with that broom stick?”

The two nodded their heads pleasantly, proud of their accomplishment.

“That’s just wonderful,” the dragon said with a dead sarcasm. “If you excuse me for a second, I’m going to go wash my hands, and maybe take a shower for the rest of my life.” He headed to the washroom, praying that it had been spared the horrors of the living room. Sadly, it was arguably worse. At least the living room wasn’t painted in bloody hoof prints. “What the?” Spike saw Pinkie Pie curled up on the toilet cover, humming peacefully as she slept. She too was covered in blood, and Spike was hesitant to wake her… he doubt that the blood on her was her own.

It only took one nudge to wake Pinkie up, and spring her to life. “Woo! That was one awesome party!” She said with all the life in the world. “Oh, hey Spike! How did last nice go? Did you bang Rarity yet?”

“No I did not bang Rarity,” He sighed, not even wanting to go there. “Do I dare ask why my bathroom looks like a slaughter house?”

“Well…” Pinkie said nonchalantly, pointing to the bathtub. “Me and Davenport were playing doctor last night, and it slowly turned to naughty doctor… and then we lost the patient, which was a total boner killer if you ask me.”

“Lost the patient?” Spike took a closer look to the blank, pale, and lifeless face of Davenport. “Oh goddess he’s dead, isn’t he?”

“He is dead.”

“Why is he dead?!” Spike screamed, grabbing his head with frustration. “How did he die? Over dose?”

“No… it was… MURDER!” Pinkie said as dramatically as possible, quickly adding. “And you’re the killer.”

“Say what?”

“Don’t you remember?” She asked. “You got wicked high last night and started screaming about nymphomania princesses and marshmallows and animals and you bit off his leg. I thought that I could bring him back to life with the power of love… making. But I guess that expression ‘love heals all wounds’ doesn’t apply to dragon bites. They should really add that in there, it could save some lives.”

“I… killed somepony…” Spike mumbled to himself, terrified. “I’m going to go to jail... and get butt-rutted by some five hundred pound griffon.” He walked out of the bathroom. He really needed to lie down for a moment, get his head on straight and figure out what the fuck he was going to do. However, once he reached for his door and opened it, he immediately slammed it shut. “WHAT THE FUCK!?” He yelled. “WHY THE FUCK IS MACINTOSH AND CARAMEL HAVING SEX ON MY BED?!” He slid down onto the floor…

And that’s when his mind finally snapped under the pressure.

He started chuckling to himself madly. In the span of twelve hours his entire life hand gone to shit. He had touched a used broom handle, committed murder, saw two stallions hump on the place where he slept and ate bed nachos, and of course had to spend all night escorting a drunk Rarity all the way home, and he didn’t even get so much as a kiss. It was so apparent that the universe hated him and enjoyed watching him suffer. So he simply laughed, and laughed, and laughed until his lungs began to hurt, and then he laughed some more.

Spike laughed so psychotically loud, he didn’t even here the hoof steps coming down the stairs from Twilight’s room.

“Spike… is that you?”

“Oh hey Twilight!” Spike said with an insane amount of enthusiasm, grinning far too happily. “How are you? Good? Good! Same here! Because you know, nothing else can—Oh, hello Mayor Mare!” Spike waved at the Mayor, who was walking sleepily out of Twilight’s room, and wearing what looked like Twilight’s housecoat. “Did you stay the night? That’s wonderful!”

“Spike, you seem… happy this morning?” Twilight wondered. “Did you have a good time last night?”

“Oodles of it,” Spike twitched. “Just fucking oodles of good times.”

“Well, that’s good to hear,” smiled Twilight. “Especially since I’m going to have to ask you to move out later today.”

“Huh…?”

“Well you see… the Mayor and I… we’ve become an item, and I asked her to move in with me. But she’s going to need the basement to store all of her stuff. I know it’s short notice but…” She looked into the lusty eyes of her cougar lover, an aged beauty like fine wine that showed her the true path to nirvana and lustful happiness with a partner twice your age. “... We’re in love.”

“I really hope this doesn’t bother you too much, Spike,” Mayor Mare said. “I can still count on your vote in the fall, right?”

“Probably not,” Spike grinned, getting up from the floor as he headed up the stairs. He walked right passed the ponies, saying, “Because I’m going to jump off the roof now.” With that, he disappeared off the balcony.

Mayor Mare gave Twilight a strange look. “Is he going to be okay?”

“Don’t worry, baby cake,” shushed Twilight. “He’s a dragon, if falling off a balcony could kill him he’d be dead ten times by now.”
The Mayor agreed with her young love-bunny, and they headed into the kitchen to get something to eat. Meanwhile, Spike was balancing on top of the railing, getting ready to finally take the big jump. He knew that it probably wouldn’t kill him… but perhaps it would knock him out for a few hours and he could pretend that none of this ever happened.

“Goodbye, cruel world!” He shouted, getting ready to jump. However, his legs were stiff, and his feet stayed glued to the railing. “Ah crap… I can’t do it. It’s going to hurt like balls…” He decided to try and get down from his not-so-suicide jump. But, as luck would have it, it would be at that very moment that somepony would send him a message, his resulting burp causing him to wobble and sadly, flip off the side of the treehouse. “FUCK!” Was the only thing be managed to mumbled as he landed on his back, groaning as the letter he and upchucked floated pleasantly down on his face.

He picked it up and started to read it.

Spike.

Please come back to the Carousel Boutique as soon as possible.

Rarity.

“Hmm...” Spike thought, wondering what Rarity could want now. In any case, it was better than staying here. So he practically ran all across town to the Boutique, and once there, politely knocked on the door.

When Rarity answered the door, Spike was surprised with how good she looked, and how fast she had recovered from last night. “Good morning, dear. Won’t you please come in? I’ve made coffee.”

“Uh… sure,” the dragon said, stepping into her home. “So, how are you feeling today? You had a lot to drink last night, and you were quite out of it.”

“Spikey, precious scales,” Rarity hummed, grabbing him by the finger and pulling him along. “I’m just riveting thanks to you. You know most stallions would have tried to take advantage of a lady like me in such a state, but you were a true gentledrake Spike. I know it must have been hard to resist such temptation.”

“You have no idea…” he muttered under his breath. Rarity started to pull him upstairs. “Hey, uh, where exactly are we going?”

“To my bedroom, of course,” Rarity smiled. “I can’t very well give you the best blowjob of your life in my studio. Anypony could just walk in and catch us in the act.”

“I-da-waj-aw-wha?” Spike stammered once he heard the word blowjob.

“Well you couldn’t expect me to NOT reward you for your restraints and efforts, dear,” She winked. “And of course it doesn’t end there. We’re going to spend the whole day doing whatever you want to me because you’re just that wonderful. It’s the least I can do after last night, don’t you agree?”

“Hum-ago-rajawan-ta-wakea…”

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Rarity said, pushing the dragon onto the bed. “Now… are you ready, my prince?”

“Yes... my Marshmallow Queen,” Spike said happily.

*****

And with that, the two had sex all day. Spike would later inform Rarity of his lack of residence, in which she was more than happy to let him bunk in—with her. They got married later that year, and continue to have a thriving (and explicit) sex life.

Lyra and Bonbon later went into the film industry and produced the hit movie “Lyra and Bonbon make a Porno”. It was the only movie in history to ever win an academy award, and an adult film award.

Fluttershy finally came to terms with what happened that night, and embraced her inner pervert. She is now the head dominatrix in a harem consisting of her, Bulk Biceps, Iron Will, Discord, Time Turner, and Hoity Toity.

Applejack and Rainbow Dash, after having sex on the couch, realized that the tension between them wasn’t sexual tension, but actually just regular tension. They agreed to stay friends and continue to hunt for some big ass D.

Pinkie Pie later dissolved Davenport’s body with hydrofluoric acid a la Breaking Bad style. Sadly, it dissolved through the ceramics of the tub and fell through the floor and into the living room, which was odd considering that she was using the downstairs bathroom.

Princess Cadence gave Shining Armour the best blowjob ever. They screamed so loud in ecstasy that everyone within a two mile radius could hear them.

Big Mac and Caramel went their separate ways after that night, and never spoke of what happened. Later they found out that they were related… and that somehow Big Mac had gotten Caramel pregnant.

Twilight Sparkle and the Mayor went on to become president and first young willing sex slave of all Equestria. Going to show you how tolerant ponies can be. They too, have lots of sex.

Vinyl and Octavia did something because honestly we all forgot they were in this story.

Princess Luna stayed true to her word and had sex with Moonlit Knight. When another guard walked in on them, the fun was doubled.

That mare from the diner got some sleep, and became less of a bitch.

And finally Princess Celestia, having retired early in the night to get some sleep, woke up to the ghastly sight of Canterlot covered in monkey shit. She then said, and I quote, “Which one of you dead motherfuckers gave Cadence tequila?!”

The End

Author's Note

Annnnnd that's finally done. I know it's not edited, but I could care less at this point. I can check this badboy off my list!