Lenny never wanted to go to Equestria. Pastel ponies were for little girls and druggy vagrants living under bridges. But then, Lenny never wanted to be a nightmarish monster with fleshy brown tentacles either.
He was a good citizen, obeyed all the traffic laws and never complained when the TSA showed up to search him. Heck, he even got his compulsory vaccinations ahead of schedule! But Lenny just couldn’t afford the new tax increases. Already stretched between bills and the exorbitant rent on his shack, he could barely afford food let alone paying the walking taxes on time.
So he was registered for the experimental mutation plan. Sure it doesn’t sound that bad a deal, free rations and a place to sleep as long you agree to be injected with mostly harmless experimental serums once a week. The other patients were mostly sane, also. But once again, he drew the short straw.
Only three weeks into the program, Lenny had an allergic reaction to the intravenous toothpaste and mutated into the seven-foot two-dozen-eyed freak he was today. Disqualified from the program, he got placed in a reservation and had to make coathangers all day. It was still a living.
But then he couldn’t afford upkeep on his Horrific Monstrosity permit and the government deported him off the planet to Equestria via dimensional portal, just like a common murderer.
As far as Lenny was concerned, life is a bitch.
Lenny is sweeping up all the cake crumbs on the Sugarcube Corner floor, but it’s slow going even with his seven tentacles. Cake crumbs are belligerent and the trickiest of all crumbs so he has to keep resweeping the same few over and over. He squints six crimson eyes in frustration, giving his best effort.
This job is all he has, he can’t risk getting fired. The Cakes were the only ones willing to hire him, and even so only at the behest of Pinkie Pie. Everyone else was either afraid or disgusted, giving him awkward stares. They didn’t trust the abomination and it wasn’t long before rumors surfaced of him eating foals. Which was ridiculous because none had ever gone missing and he hated kids. Even kidnapping them to eat wasn’t worth the hassle.
“Heya there, Spookyface!” Pinkie pops out in front of him.
Screeching an unnatural shriek, Lenny leaps back, dropping the dustpan. The crumbs quickly scatter.
“You just about gave me heart attack,” he complains in his abyssal voice.
Pinkie giggles, wiping blood from her ears. “Don’t be so wimpy, you should be used to it by now.”
“Well I’m not, I have a delicate heart,” he says, regardless of the fact it is twice as strong as a human’s.
She pats his hairy leg. “There, there, I’m sorry. I’m just so excited about today!”
Lenny goes back to sweeping. “Why, what’s going on today?”
“Oh right, how silly of me! I never told you, today we’re having a party at Twilight’s library!”
“Oh. Well, that’s nice to hear. I hope you have fun at it, parties are your favorite.”
The pink pony bounces excitedly. “Not just me, I want you to come too! You’ll love it and this would be a good chance for the girls to get to know you better! It’ll be great! So will ya come?”
“Aww, I don’t know . . .”
Pinkie frowns. “C’mon, pretty please? Parties are a ton of fun, especially when you got all your best friends!”
He worked his strange mouth into a smile at the compliment. “Maybe . . .”
“Oh Lenny, you just hafta!”
His multitude of oculi stare at all directions in thought. He was really only Pinkie’s friend, even the other elements still distrusted him. And parties actually made him nervous and sweaty. But he didn’t want to refuse her or she might not like him either and then he’ll have nobody again. Lenny doesn’t want to be completely alone in this strange world.
“Okay, I’ll go,” he said.
Even before Lenny had mutated, he’d never really been loved. The other boys had no time for his awkwardness and complained that he had the stench of potatoes. In gym, he got footballs thrown at his head. The teachers tried to inconspicuously exclude him from lessons and the janitor taught him about eating paste.
His parents weren’t much better, often avoiding him as much as possible. In fact if he were compelled to reflect on his childhood, Lenny would say he’d more or less raised himself. Potty trained himself at seven, learned to read at nine, finally figured out the toaster at thirteen. No, his parents hadn’t been much help at all, always visiting friends and too cheap to even get a babysitter. So his childhood was largely long nights of Balto marathons, popsicles, and trying on his mother’s pantyhose.
In his teen years, Lenny thought maybe the girls had it better and went through a transexual phase. He’d show up at school in blouses, with earrings and faint eyeliner. He tried to ingratiate himself in their cliques and fit in. At first he thought it had worked. They let him chat in the halls about dresses with them and pass notes about which boy was the hottest, even not tattling when he used the girl’s restroom. He thought about becoming a cheerleader.
But then Lenny found out they’d all been just laughing at him and seeing how far he would go. It was a joke to them. They put photos of him in a dress on the internet with his real name. He got threatening phone calls and his parents found out. One of the girls said he’d been blackmailing her and Lenny got expelled.
Lenny decided being a girl was nothing but a fool’s game.
But now it doesn’t matter anyway. Nobody with scabrous hairy skin and corpulent monster eyes would ever be considered a pretty girl. That’s what he thinks to himself as he looks in the mirror.
One benefit of being a giant gross mutant is that he has eyes all around his head. Or perhaps it’s a misfortune, since now he can see how fat and veiny his butt is.
He tries not to think of it, distracting himself by choosing a bow tie for the party.
The government didn’t allow him to bring any possessions with him, and he wasn’t in the habit of wearing clothes anymore anyway. Custom tailoring was out of the question and underwear had little point when he had a retractable penis. But Pinkie had given him some bow ties when he’d told her how he missed pants. A small consolation since nothing else would fit his enormous frame.
He sits down on his little cot, careful not to break it, deciding on the red striped bow. He puts the other three back on their shelf. Lenny keeps all his precious few possessions on that wall shelf because the basement floor is constantly moist. His secretions don’t help.
The Cakes were nice enough to let him live in their basement under Sugarcube Corner as long as he works hard. They also said it was kind of fitting and he couldn’t really argue with that. The basement is mostly sanitary and the single light bulb isn’t a bother for his adaptive vision. He’s also recently taken a liking to the taste of spiders and his tentacle arms are great for catching them. He chews them like gum.
Sometimes Lenny worries he’s losing his humanity. But he doesn’t like to think about that.
Smile (Pictures Or It Didn't Happen)
Arriving on time is very important to Lenny so he goes to the Golden Oaks Library twenty minutes early. If he is late, someone might think he is rude and they might not like him. Ponies are already suspicious of him as it is. So he gets there early to be sure nothing will impede him, but then Lenny realizes it might seem creepy for him to sit outside the door waiting.
Looking around nervously, he decides to hide in the bushes on the side of the house until it’s time. He really wants to make a good impression. Yet then another realization occurs to Lenny, he doesn’t have a watch. The plan was to play with dirt while he waited, but now he’ll have to keep watch for the others to get there. Lenny may be able to see in all directions, but he still only has one attention span.
When no one is looking his direction, he quickly slithers into his hiding spot. Crouched down in the library’s prickly bushes, Lenny watches the ponies.
Time passes quickly as he observes them going about their day through the street. Unlike the stressed and frustrated humans of his old neighborhood, the ponies look so peaceful. They smile and cheerfully talk to each other as they head toward their destinations. For some reason he can’t help drooling and Lenny keeps wiping his squid mouth with a tentacle, careful not to rustle the branches. It’s difficult because his body likes to move.
Finally, Fluttershy is the first to arrive, then Rarity and Applejack in quick succession. They disappear around the corner as they get closer, and he hears Twilight Sparkle let them in. Then nopony else comes for a few minutes and the street empties a bit. He decides this is a good time to make his entry as well.
Brushing leaves off his clammy skin, the monstrific mutant speedily gets to the front door. Looking around, no one seems to have seen him. Lenny is careful to be gentle as he knocks on the little wood door, he really can’t afford to replace another one. Tentacles are also hard to knock with since they tend to just splat.
No answer. He goes to knock again in case he wasn’t heard, but then the door opens. He bops Twilight on the head.
“Ohgawno sorry, I didn’t mean to!” he quickly apologizes, rubbing her cranium on the spot he hit.
Twilight brushes his appendages away, hiding a grimace. “Oh . . . uh, no worries. It’s okay, I am just glad you could make it.”
“Pinkie wanted me too.”
“Yeah, I’m sure she did . . .”
He stands there, trying to keep all of his eyes off of her. Not sure what to say next.
Twilight isn’t either. “Well then, why don’t you come in?” the mare finally invites. Then she quickly turns around and retreats back in.
“Yes, that sounds good, I’d like that.” Lenny goes to follow Twilight inside but the door is very low, so he has to crawl on his knees. It reminds him of his old life, except now his skin is more resistant to carpet burn.
Before Lenny got detained for tax evasion, he used to work as a cord maintenance man. Offices had grown so crowded in recent times that there wasn’t even space for cubicles, just rows and rows of computers. Even computers stacked on other computers that required the operator to be suspended from the ceiling. Technological advancements also allowed employees to work on those ceilings, perfectly content to type away upside down.
But they all still used wires, and there wasn’t room for that many outlets. So they had all those cords going straight into the walls and floor, where there usually was a crawl space filled with all the outlets. That was Lenny’s job. He was the cord maintenance man for Floor Four of his building, responsible for keeping track of all the cords and making sure each one was plugged in. He’d spend his work day crawling throughout it checking that each was firmly in its socket, and cautious not to unplug any himself. That dimly lit crawl space was his domain.
He also didn’t have to deal with people very often, which was a plus. Notwithstanding the fact no one much cared for him, being around people made Lenny nervous. He never knew the right thing to say and was worried they would think him ugly. At social functions, he would just stand there and quietly sweat until someone addressed him, staring at the nearest wall.
He never liked it when other people looked at him and in turn, he didn’t like to look at other people. It was much easier with only two eyes.
When Lenny crawls in, he sees the girls have already started the party and Twilight has rejoined them. They are gathered around the center table where there is punch and cookies. Streamers and banners decorate the bookshelves and someone poured fake snow all over the stairs. He squints trying to determine what that is for.
Pinkie sees him right away and waves. “Hiya Lenny! It’s super terrific you could make it, we’re gonna have tons of fun!”
The others only murmur greetings, giving Fluttershy a run for her money.
He nervously walks over. “Uh, hi. Hi, Pinkie.”
Pinkie gives him a bundle of balloons. “Here, these are for you!”
Lenny quietly takes them. There is an awkward silence and he self-consciously smiles.
Twilight is pretending to read ingredients on a package of snacks, while Fluttershy is shaking in fear. Rarity can barely look at him without retching and Applejack can’t hide her skepticism. She’s as open-minded as the next mare, but she finds it hard to trust something so unnatural looking.
“Lenny’s been here for almost one month, now!” Pinkie declares. “Isn’t that exciting, girls?!”
“Yes, good job,” Rarity manages.
Applejack narrows her eyes. “One month already, huh? Sure don’t seem like that long.”
“Yep . . .” Lenny swallows, hoping he didn’t give her any reason to doubt, and wondering why she would.
She leans forward menacingly, pointing a hoof. “You’re just lucky I can’t count too good.”
“You’re right, it sure doesn’t seem that long! The time goes by so fast!” interjects Pinkie Pie, shoving Applejack back. She knows about Lenny’s social anxiety.
Rarity is panting a bit and Twilight gives her a concerned glance. “So,” the purple unicorn says, “how have you liked Ponyville?”
Lenny thinks about telling her that it’s better than home, but he hasn’t really liked it because of the way ponies treat him. That they don’t practice the friendship they preach very well. But he doesn’t want to insult them, so he just says, “I like it alot. Equestria is a really nice place.”
“Isn’t that swell?” says Pinkie.
“I’m not sure I believe ya,” asserts Applejack.
“That does sound kind of suspicious with the way I’ve seen ponies treat you.”
“Sorry,” he mutters.
“I thought so!”
“Girls, Lenny’s just being nice,” Pinkie defends him.
“Well he shouldn’t lie about it.”
“Yeah, I’m trying to take notes for a study and it won’t work if he ruins their accuracy.”
“Come on, what would you expect him to do? He wants to make a good impression!”
“He shouldn’t lie to us!”
Lenny takes a step back.
“Well it’s okay if he’s doing it to be nice!”
“Naw, lying’s never okay.”
“Really, Pinkie! Studies show that lying is directly correlated to melon theft!”
“What study says that?!”
“Mine will, once I’m done with it!”
“That’s crazy!”
“You’re the expert on that!”
Pinkie nudges Fluttershy to help her out. “Um, well, butterflies are—”
Rarity’s wheezes interrupt her. The unicorn is full on hyperventilating now. She sees everyone looking at her and starts flailing her forelegs.
“Hey Rarity, are you okay?” Pinkie pokes her quivering stomach. That does it.
“Oh he smells so awful!” Rarity shrieks. Then she vomits violently into the punch, spilling cookies everywhere. Lenny’s balloons pop for some reason.
Everyone just stands there blinking as the sound of her retches fill the air.
If he was capable of blushing, Lenny’s skin would be redder than ever. He’s been subjected to a lot of hostility and disgust, but no one has ever thrown up before just from his presence. Staring at the wall isn’t helping.
“Oh, um, excuse me,” he says and quickly takes off for the bathroom.
He actually does have to use the bathroom, so Lenny does that first.
The toilet is very little, but he is getting used to that. It makes him grateful for his retractable penis, he can somewhat pretend it’s a vagina but without sacrificing the utility of the male organ. His urine also tends to be pink with blood, but Lenny likes it.
Finishing up, Lenny apprehensively goes to the sink, which has the standard mirror above it. His veiny brown form is reflected back to him.
Mirrors have always made Lenny feel like a turnip at the fair, with judges trying to determine whether it deserves first prize, or even a badge at all. He’d never liked it. But looking at mirrors wasn’t so bad now that the judgement was clear. Now that his ugliness was certain, he could at least embrace it. To hell with everyone else, he was an ugly sonofabitch and he was proud. That’s what Lenny told himself.
But he still wanted to be pretty. Still wanted to be liked.
Lenny washes his tentacles, also cleaning off some of the residue that he thinks might be making him smell bad. Then he searches around the cabinets and finds some perfume, spraying it on heavy. He reads the bottle and discovers it is star scented. Never having smelt a star before, he finds the prospect exciting and sprays on even more. He imagines a little cloud of scent following him, overwhelming all who come too close like a celestial skunk. But then Lenny is upset he thought of that because he already has enough gross detriments. He washes some of it off.
Then Lenny tries to think of something else to do, but can’t. Time to face the ponies again.
