Chapters Brusque & Brooding
A Sudden Eviction
Flowers bloomed brilliantly on verdant lawns, made aglow by the rays of a delightful sun. The chorus of songbirds wafted amidst the cool midday breeze that blew through the friendly streets of Toad Town, with children giggling gleefully while their busy-body parents took in a deep breath of life’s splendor. On a day of such pure pristine picturesque purple prosey goodness as this one, no other place was more sickeningly saccharine as Princess Peach’s Castle. High above the inanely alliterative outdoors, secluded in her private bed chambers, Peach stood before her stout, mustachioed protector in blue leather armor. Her heart was aflutter over their private engagement, but she maintained the calm and grace of a refined, delicate ruler through and through.
“Thank you for coming, Mario,” she said most sweetly. “On a day this beautiful, I wanted to spend some time with you.” She brought her dainty gloved hands to her chest before making a giggle. “You know, after all you’ve done for the kingdom, and for me, I felt it was time to give you a proper reward. Something you’ve been waiting for for quite some time, and certainly nicer than any cake.”
As her Italian defender stood erect before her approach, we switch focus to ground-level at the backside of the castle. Sneaking in the shade of the regal sanctum, there lumbered a hulking brute of supreme excellence, clad in a black skinsuit and tip-toeing as quickly and silently as two massive scaly feet would allow. Pressing his spikey shell to the wall, the Koopa King sidled rather loudly for a few feet before stopping, and after a few quick looks to the sides he waved over to someone.
“Alright, coast is clear. Bring the goods,” he ‘whispered’ with a loud, burly tone. From out of some conveniently-placed shrubbery, a squad of squat black creatures with white eye bands converged on their leader, two of them rolling over a large round explosive colored a very gaudy pink that somewhat blended with the paint of the castle exterior.
“Why are you leading the operation again, Your Devilishness?” one of the ninji asked. “We are skilled enough to handle this alone. No need to endanger or... exert, yourself in any way.”
“I never did anything stealthy like this before.” Bowser chuckled in yet another feeble attempt at volume control. “Busting in and swiping the princess in a blaze of glory gets old after awhile, plus this way seems cooler in some ways. Now is that bomb set?”
“Yes it is, Your Slyness,” a ninji by the bomb reported. “Um, not to question your tactical planning, but wouldn’t it have been more stealthy to do this at night?”
“Bah! Night time is too long a wait, and I’m a koopa of action,” he balked his subordinate. “Besides, on sunny days like these, security is always low. Over twenty years of terrorist attacks and they haven’t even bothered having a dog watch the back door. Why some angry toad hasn’t snuck in and offed Peach by this time is beyond me.”
“Well, there’d be no point of stationing a watchdog if there’s no back door to watch, Your Harshness,” a third ninji pointed out.
“Not yet there isn’t, but that’s why we got Ol’ Ka-BLOOEY here, heheheh.” Bowser beckoned two of the ninji to roll the bomb over to the wall. The minions exchanged looks of doubt over their lordship’s understanding of “covert” as they put the bomb in place, but shortly after walking away it started rolling in their direction.
“Hey, dimwits, I want it by the wall, not in the middle of the grass!” The ninjis jumped at their king’s scolding before scurrying back to put the bomb in place. Once again, the bomb followed shortly after they leave, giving Bowser cause to fume with a stomp of his foot. “Oh come on, what is this?!”
A ninji went over to inspect the rebellious bomb, and then hopped before speaking, “It seems the bomb is too round, Your Repulsiveness. It simply won’t stay put on any surface that has the slightest degree of unevenness.”
“Turnips!” he swore. “Like I’m gonna dump this plan midway through because of roundness. I know how to fix this; just hold it steady.” The ninjis shrugged, then proceeded to push the bomb back against the wall. With their little arms keeping it in place, Bowser crouched slightly to spring up onto the explosive, where he then commenced jumping up and down in place atop it. “You-just-gotta-pound-it-into-place-so-it-won’t-move!”
“Y-Your Rashness! What about setting it off prematurely?” a ninji asked frantically, still holding his ground despite personal inclinations to flee for cover.
“Relax; I learned from last time with the Bob-OOM,” he replied, still jumping on the bomb. “Instead of being fire or pressure activated, it uses a small switch. Once pressed, it’ll arm itself and count down, giving us plenty of time to—” A loud click stopped his hopping. “What was that?”
In response, the bomb exploded in a devastating smokey blast that launched the wannabe infiltrator into the sky, yelling well into the stratosphere. At that exact moment, Peach could’ve sworn the earth had shook.
Within the eternal night realm of World 3, all was foreboding as usual at Casa de Sombra, aka Sombra’s Shadow Fortress of Doom. Past the fireball-spewing lava pits and fire spinners, the equestrian Lord of Shadow himself sat comfortably on his newly refurbished custom crystal throne, enjoying a genuine moment of relaxation. The past few months were taxing to say the least: collecting himself, adjusting to his new surroundings, and regularly having to put up with a bothersome dunderhead of a tyrant that had culminated in a recent messy brawl. But now with a functioning castle and some twelve odd henchmen under his hoof, Sombra felt he had finally found his place in this pony-less kingdom.
He wrapped a red magic aura around a flute of Bianco Hills chardonnay, taking a little sip before returning it to his right-hand koopa troopa, Orick. The servant was the only surviving member of Sombra’s original forces, before they got blasted by a scaly eight-foot tall run of bad luck. If nothing else, the stallion took comfort in having a steadfast and loyal subject by his side.
“It is a good night, Orick,” Sombra commented.
“It is always a good night, my Liege,” the troopa agreed most humbly.
“Some more than others, I must admit.” Sombra took another sip from his flute. “After that unpleasant bit of business from last week, I am glad this castle got back into working order in so little time. All thanks to that unwitting reptile’s present of manual labor.”
“Yes, the cur was a fool to send you over his troops, just to have them used against him,” Orick said snidely, rubbing his hands together.
“No doubt about it.” Just a whiff from his glass this time round. “They’re still on loan though, so if any of them were to ask to return then I’ll make no objection, given all the work they put in. Until that time, I’ll still make the most use out of them. I’m thinking I will have them raid the nearest onyx mine.”
“Ah, a most wise decision, me Lord. Gather resources to arm the troops for the inevitable conquest of the kingdom.”
“In due time, my servant. For now, let us enjoy this wondrously grim evening.” Sombra swished around his drink, contemplating another sip. But before he could decide, a low whistling sound filled the air, steadily becoming louder. “Do you hear that, Orick?”
“Yes I do. Perhaps a foul wind from the moors.”
“I would say that as well, except I don’t think there are any moors around...”
Their line of deduction was fatally disrupted when a hefty mass impacted the castle from above, tearing a massive hole with enough force to rend the entire foundation asunder in a thunderous cascade of bricks, mortar and lava. As suddenly as it had started the destruction ended, leaving nothing but a large pile of rubble that had formerly been a castle. In the center of the disaster zone, Sombra awoke beneath some bricks in time to see a fat, red-headed lizard in a torn black skin suit sit up and shake his head in a stupid manner.
“Whoa, what a trip,” the reprehensible lizard said, as he looked around. “Where am I? Why’s it so dark?” Bowser leapt onto his feet with a thump, just as Sombra lifted himself from the rubble. On his way up, he spotted the hand of his dear servant sticking out from under a particularly heavy piece of stonework. Alas, poor Orick, we barely knew ye, and never shall henceforth.
“Ahhh, night time already? Don’t tell me I was out this whole time!” The overgrown turtle sighed. “Guess I better head back to the castle and thrash that new bombmaker.”
“Youuuu...” Bowser turned around, seeing Sombra standing all wobbly and looking mighty fierce. “It just had to be you, didn’t it?”
“Oh, hey Sombra! It’s been a while, huh?” Bowser replied with a dopey, carefree grin. “Wait, what are you doing here? Are you here to snub me out of another kidnapping? And don’t go saying you’re out enjoying an evening stroll in Peach’s backyard; I know how it is!”
“This isn’t Peach’s castle: it’s World 3, you imbecile. You were here just last week,” Sombra seethed.
“World 3, really? Wow, that’s some distance, gwahaha. For a moment I thought I had conked out in some junkyard.” Bowser looked around at the brick pile beneath him. “Actually, this looks more like a demolition site. What happened here?”
“Well, considering how you’re a living, walking disaster, I’d imagine you had something to do with it.” The peeved unicorn was visibly trembling with growing hate. Bowser, in the meantime, came to a realization.
“Oh riiight, something broke my fall. Talk about mass destruction. Heheh, hope nobody lived here, or else they’d be m—”
“You destroyed My Castle you Clod! ” Sombra punctuated his cry with a hoofstomp that evoked a lightning flash.
“Ohhhh. Oops?" Bowser threw in two raised palms to be on the safe side.
“Uhhhg, L-Lord Bowser...” A weak voice drew Bowser’s attention the other way, where a few yards ahead, a koopa he recognized was half buried and reaching out to him. It was a member of the squad he had sent out to repair the castle: Leonard, a loving family man and hard-worker above the rest, who was only two weeks away from retirement.
“Oh no.” Bowser immediately stomped in the direction of the dying troopa, closing the distance in little time. Standing over his fallen subject, the Koopa King gently reached down... past Leonard to grab a tattered painting and frame that was right by him. He looked up and away to give the painting a better look, while Leonard’s darkening vision formed tears of disbelief and betrayal.
“One of my old self-portraits; I can’t believe one of ‘em was still here.” He lifted a shred of the painting with a claw. “Such a classic look, completely ruined...” Bowser’s artistic mourning ended when a brick bopped his over-sized noodle, and looking over his shoulder he saw Sombra levitating a few bricks over himself.
“My castle, you oaf!” Sombra flung his bricks at Bowser, one of them knocking the ruined portrait from his grasp. “What are you going to do about this?”
“What about it? In case you forgot already, this used to be My castle, so I can do whatever I want with it. And besides, it’s mostly your fault. If you had moved out like I suggested, then we wouldn’t be having this heartbreak now would we?”
Bowser’s little spiel stopped with a harsh choke as he was lifted into the air by dark magic around his neck. He clawed frantically at the intangible vice grip on his windpipe as he floated over to Sombra, whose eyes were glaring a deeper shade of red and green.
“I’m not going to put up with your blathering over this. You owe me a castle, fully-built, now, Without Question.”
“Gaghk! Okay okay, I get it! Just let me down!” Sombra released his hold, letting Bowser fall back to the ground on his knees, where he took several deep, ragged breaths. After a while he looked to Sombra with a pained grin. “Y’know, you’d have won last time if you did that from the start.”
“I will inflict far worse if you dare try to change the subject!”
“Alright, sheesh, lighten up. I hear ya.” Bowser stood back up and patted himself before clearing his throat. “Because the blasting of your castle was unintentionally my doing, and because it’s technically a historic landmark, I shall, through my awesome authoritative powers as ruler of the Koopa Empire, assign a crack team of builders and architects to rebuild this place at no cost, since I pay them nothing to begin with, bwahahah!”
“And you’ll have it started immediately?”
“Well, I gotta get back to my castle first. But by this time tomorrow... uh, night, my workers will be on site and laying down bricks like nobody’s business.”
“Good. Any time later than that, I’ll cast you to the lowest depths of Tartarus.” Sombra did an about-face and went to a small brick pile, which he began to disassemble with his magic and reassemble into a neat stack.
“Uhhh, what are you doing?” Bowser asked.
“Settling in for the night,” Sombra answered sharply. “If I’m going to be waiting on your ‘crack team’, I should have something to keep me sheltered.”
“Hold on, you’re gonna stay out here, atop this junk pile, by yourself?”
By that time Sombra had constructed a portion of wall and was affixing a ceiling to it. “Considering that all the company I had were crushed along with the rest of the castle, I really have no say on the matter.”
“What about staying warm? Nights can get pretty chilly out here, and I don’t think that cape of yours can cut it as a blanket.”
“That little concern is well in hoof.” On cue, a small fire lit up before Sombra whilst he continued working on his hut. Seeing that he wasn’t wanted, Bowser shrugged and turned to begin the long walk back to his fortress, only to stop after a few steps as an instance of hesitation struck. The koopa looked at the ground in thought for a few moments, then turned back in the direction of the castle-less despot to watch him arrange more bricks.
“Why are you still standing around? This isn’t getting my castle rebuilt quicker, and I’m sure all your loyal, living subjects miss you oh so dearly,” Sombra said, still focused on the task at hand, or hoof rather.
“Hey, listen,” Bowser started. “It was kinda my fault you’re in this situation, so how bout this: while my troops rebuild your castle, you can stay at my place.”
Sombra stopped his bricklaying and faced Bowser. “What was that?”
“Well, being homeless wouldn’t do your evil image any good, and if you’re gonna ever hope to outdo my reputation, then you should at least live like an evil king.”
“The only way to outdo your reputation is to not fail at every endeavor I undertake.”
“Hey, I’m offering free room and board out of courtesy, which is something that never happens. If you want to stay out here in the cold like a commoner’s horse, then fine by me. I’ll just head on back.” Bowser turned and resumed stomping over the remains of the castle and his former laborers.
“Wait.” Bowser halted at Sombra’s word. “Although my predicament is entirely your fault for undoubtedly stupid reasons, it’d be somewhat petty for me to refuse a sincere offer of goodwill. It is sincere, right?”
“Uh, yeah! Totally!” Bowser turned to bob his head in affirmation. “So you gonna take it?”
Sombra looked briefly back at his hut-in-progress, then gave a sigh. “Given my other option, I suppose I shall.”
“Okay, cool to know. Hey, come to think of it, you’d also get to see what a real castle is like from the inside, so it’ll be a learning experience as well!”
“Oh joy.” A quick eye roll from the stallion.
“Alright, get your stuff together. It’s gonna be a long walk, so pack light...” A deadpan look from Sombra stopped Bowser short. “Oh, yeah... Well, just what you’re wearing is fine. Now let’s giddy-up; there’s a good bit of distance we have to cover.”
“Please don’t use that phrase. It’s insulting.”
“What, ‘giddy-up’? Hmm, guess I can see why.” As Bowser mused aloud as he often did, Sombra had approached and sided up with him.
“Besides, I have something better than walking in mind.” With a flare of his horn, a veil of gooey shadow burst upward to smother Sombra and a flailing Bowser into the ground without sound or trace. Some time later, a shadow mass reappeared on a stretch of barren earth and deposited the two before receding to nothingness. Sombra’s horn stopped flaring, but Bowser kept flailing his arms in a panic. “We’re here.”
“Huh Wah ?” Bowser then noticed the sudden daylight, familiar scent of gloom and brimstone, and the towering sight of his own castle a few hundred yards in front of him. Upon seeing his great abode, he put a stop to his arms. “Whaddya know, we are. That’s a pretty useful spell!”
Sombra nodded. “Wherever there are shadows, or any place that shadows can be born, it is all in my reach. Because of that, I can go almost anywhere.”
“You should give me a heads-up next time ya use it; that came off as extremely freaky.” A thought occurred to Bowser. “Say, if you can go almost anywhere, why couldn’t you put us inside the castle?”
“I believe that if we were to abruptly appear within, your vigilant guard would have undoubtedly attacked us before they had time to recognize you. I don’t want to get into any unnecessary fights if I can help it, especially against highly-trained guardsmen.”
“‘Highly-trained’... Oh, OH! Yeah, good thinking; my guards are waaaay ruthless. They’d have been on us like Monty Moles at a wrench convention, lightning fast one hundred percent. It would have been gruesome, that’s just how well-trained they are. Yup, uh-huh, yessiree.”
“I see,” Sombra nodded, seemingly unaware of the shifty glances and facial twitches Bowser had been making prior. “Well, shall you lead the way?”
“Yes I shall, and forward we go!” The two began their march to the gates of the fortress in the distance, as Bowser began pulling at his skin suit. “At least there’ll be plenty of time for me to get this thing off; the thing’s starting to itch. Ugh, why are these so tight anyway?”
Sombra briefly pondered the range of intellectual discourse his temporary housing would offer based on that riveting bit of dialogue, and immediately he felt himself becoming one sad little pony.
Brusque & Brooding
Accommodation Woes
It was a short minute-long stroll before Sombra could see Bowser’s castle in full detail. A classic rotund model of fortress, built from black stone and consisting of several towers, parapets, ramparts, portculli and, for an extra touch of invader dissuasion, all surrounded by a deep moat of lava. The whole structure looked even more foreboding in the shadows cast by the waning light of the setting sun... or at least it would be, if the owner’s massive, dumb-looking face didn’t take up the entire front of the castle. And speaking of which, Bowser came up to Sombra while pulling off the last bit of his skin suit. Tossing the irritable garb aside, he wiped his claws and stood proudly.
“Welp, home sweet home,” he announced. “Always a calming sight for sore eyes, seeing those battlements and Bill Blasters as they glisten in the sun. Downright impressive, wouldn’t you say?”
“I was here last week.”
“Yeah you were, but now you get to see all the goodies packed inside , gwahahaha! Now come on: it’s almost dinner time.” Bowser stomped onward, and Sombra rolled his eyes before following suit. “Just so you know, I don’t have any stables on hand, but give my boys an hour and they’ll have one of the training barracks ready with all the commodities: hay, probably get a bathtub in there to be a water trough, a cozy sleeping rug, maybe a little chew toy—”
“I’m not a dog, and neither do my kind sleep in stables. They are for lowly, small-brained farm animals.”
“Oh... So you sleep in beds like regular people?”
“Yes!”
“Then that makes it easier! I’ve got a few guest rooms; no need to build a stable after all, heheheh.”
Not even in the castle and already his host was getting on his nerves, but Sombra refrained from talking out and focused squarely on the castle ahead. Eventually the two reached the edge of the moat, the drawbridge raised up on the other side. Bowser looked up toward the tower that contained his throne room and shouted, “Hey ! Your king is here; lower the drawbridge and let me in!”
A small, wrinkly head popped out from a window of the throne room before quickly ducking away, only for a purple-garbed magikoopa on a broomstick to fly out to meet the arrivals. The hag puttered down to where the two awaited, and hovering a foot off the ground she hopped off, revealing her painfully short stature.
“Great Bowser! You have come back at last, I see,” she gabbed in an involuntarily crotchety manner. “I take it the mission didn’t go over too well, seeing as there’s no princess to speak of?”
“You got it, Kammy.” Bowser made a loud sigh. “Another case of faulty mission equipment, which I will have discussed severely with that bomb-maker you hired.”
The be-speckled witch then noticed Sombra, and began hopping about excitedly while waving her short arms around. “Y-Your Bitterness! That loathsome copycat Sombra is standing right next to you!”
“I know he is. I kinda obliterated his castle on my way here and he tagged along.”
Kammy stopped her jumping. “Oh, I see. Want me to ready the cannons, then?”
“NO! He’s here as a guest, at least until I build him a new castle.”
The witch stood speechless a moment, then said, “Ummm, I’m not sure I follow, Your Terribleness. Did you just say he’s going to be staying h—”
“Just lower the drawbridge and let us in, you deaf crone!” Bowser stomped his foot hard, making Kammy jump back onto her hovering broom in fright. “And while you’re at it, have the cooks ready a feast for two. Tell ‘em Poppa Bowser’s come home to feed, and he’s brought company.”
“Uh, y-yes Your Monstrousness! I’ll get right on it! (Just what is he thinking?)” Kammy flipped around and took off back into the castle, and shortly after the sound of turning gears and rope hailed the descent of the drawbridge onto the ground before Bowser and Sombra’s feet. Bowser looked to the stallion with a toothy grin.
“Okay! Let’s head on in.” Bowser stomped jauntily over the the span of the drawbridge, and on the other side he turned to Sombra, who had only started moving. “Come on, slowpoke! I’m wasting away here!”
Sombra trotted hesitantly over the bridge, keeping his eyes on it while occasionally tapping the wood for some kind of reaction. Convincing himself that it wasn’t going to launch him this time, he picked up his pace and rejoined his scaly host at the opened double doors.
“Took ya long enough,” Bowser chided. “But anyway, let’s start the tour!”
“Tour?” Bowser stomped away, ignoring Sombra’s question. As the drawbridge began to rise back up, the stallion proceeded into the castle entryway proper. Catching up to Bowser, Sombra took in the decor of the hall: long red carpet, sinister iron-cast windows, spike-ringed columns adorned with torches spaced every ten feet and kept parallel to one another. A very well-done textbook villain’s hallway, he admitted.
“Here we start with the simple yet awe-inspiring Entrance Hall, which only the bravest and mightiest warriors have been able to see,” Bowser began. “Normally it takes a hundred and twenty Star Coins to get the front door opened, and some of those are downright suicide to grab. Lucky you have me to let you in, haha.”
A skittering sound turned their gaze to a little black speck running at them from the other end of the corridor. The ninji halted a yard from Bowser before addressing him. “Your Stompiness, I am so glad to see you have survived. When word of your arrival reached me, I just had to come and validate it with my own eyes.”
“Well here I am, standing and struttin’ all the same,” Bowser replied. “Kinda surprising to see you made it back here before I did. What happened exactly after the bomb went off?”
“After you took your flight, me and the others scattered, but judging from the size of the explosion, I say the castle wall stood no chance of staying intact.”
“Well, obviously. So why didn’t you carry out the mission without me and grab the princess?”
“Like I said, sir, we were scattered . I awoke in a tree on the outskirts of Toad Town, but I know not the fate of the others. I simply ran back here as fast as I could to report the mission's failure, as well as your disappearance.”
“Heh, no honor among ninji. Or rather no spine. How about you make yourself actually useful and prep one of the guest rooms on the top floor. Can you do that without running away?”
“Of course! An odd request, but I’ll do it to atone for today’s failure!”
“See that you do, and let me know when it’s ready.”
“Yes sir!” The ninji gave a little salute before speeding off back the other way.
“So, another poorly-built bomb of yours was what cost me my castle. I see,” Sombra spoke up while glaring at Bowser.
“Not directly but, eh, it happens.” Bowser shrugged.
“Quite frequently in your case.”
“Anyway , back to the tour!” The Koopa King resumed his walk down the hall with Sombra in tow. Soon they made it to a large, ornate staircase, and as they climbed them, Bowser resumed speaking. “Here we have the Entrance Hall Stairs. Notice how there’s enough to instill a sense of power, but not so much that it’s exhausting. That last part you definitely need to take note of. Very important.” Sombra frowned at the poorly veiled criticism, but said nothing. A minute later they arrived at the absurdly tall doors to the ever-important second floor, as Bowser called it. On the landing, Sombra was shown and given extraneous detail about the numerous statues that filled the castle, which to no surprise bore his host’s likeness.
“That one there was put up after I totally trashed Peach’s birthday from two years ago, and that one I had made when a gray hair I found on me turned out to be from a cat that belonged to one of the goombas. I had him catapulted that day for extra celebration!”
The long-winded tour continued for what felt like hours, with Bowser naming off the various rooms and corridors that filled his fortress.
“That’s the Spiked Apparati Wing, and down that hall is a back-up armory, and over there is the Block Puzzle Room.”
“Block Puzzle Room?”
“It can’t be death pits and chain chomps all the time, that gets boring; ya gotta break up the monotony when handling would-be intruders. Very important to know.”
“But why is it next to a ‘Gold Coin Depository’?”
“Ya gotta reward them with something, otherwise what’d be the point of having them do a puzzle?”
Finally, after an infinity of self-indulgent pratter, the two came before a set of red, bolted doors. Bowser cleared his throat for another discourse. “And finally, we arrive at the centerpiece that brings it all together: My Throne Room!” Bowser threw the doors open, banging them loud enough to add to the volume and dramatic effect of his voice. What lay beyond was a high-vaulted, practically cavernous chamber, with self-portraits and red-and-black banners containing Bowser’s insignia taking up whatever wall space wasn’t taken up by massive windows. A wide red and green carpet, also sporting Bowser’s insignia, led to a dais that held a grand throne, adorned with spikes and plush red cushioning. Sombra couldn’t lie: it was all far nicer and more imposing than his former throne ever was.
After a few seconds watching Sombra ogle his swanky throne room, Bowser stomped inside. “Come and get a closer look.” As Sombra followed and turned his gaze downward, he spotted a wide sheet of plywood covering a part of the floor, which had somehow escaped his notice until then.
“What is with this?” the stallion inquired.
“Eh, there was a pest problem a week ago. I took care of it, but not before it left a pretty deep hole.”
'Curious ,' Sombra thought as he trotted over the covering. The lizard tyrant reached his throne and plopped himself down on it, letting out a big sigh of relief. “So, Sombra ol’ pal, what do you think of my pad, now that you’ve seen the interior? Awesome, am I right?”
“While the architecture is vast and impressive in some spots, I’m more interested in seeing you getting my castle rebuilt instead of wasting it on some insipid tour.”
“And I told you I’ll have it started tomorrow,” Bowser said, resting his chin on a fist. “For tonight, I figure we could both use some rest. So kick up your heels, or hooves or whatever, and relax.”
“I may want to relax by tossing you and your throne out a window for what you did to me. Will that suffice?”
“Sheesh, I thought with a name like Sombra you’d be into siestas and stuff like that.”
Before things could worsen, the ninji from earlier skittered into the room and stopped beside the irate stallion. “Lord Bowser, the guest room is prepared as requested.”
“Great timing.” Bowser turned his attention to his guest. “Dinner should be ready not too long from now, so go get a look at your new digs and chill a bit. While you’re at it, you could also wash up.” He leaned forward and put an opened palm by his mouth before whispering loudly. “Cuz, no offense, but you sorta reek.”
“I reek!?”
“Subject, you may escort the guest to his chambers,” Bowser said, resuming his normal voice and posture. The ninji hopped, then tugged at Sombra’s cape.
“Right this way, sir.” Deciding some alone time would prove more beneficial than another free-for-all, Sombra sighed and followed the little helper out of the throne room. The two walked in silence down the hall for some minutes until the ninji stopped at a green door with a yellow star embedded in it. “Your room.” The ninji dug into some hidden pocket and withdrew a key, and leapt up to unlock the door in one swift motion before holding the key up to the unicorn. “I’ll have someone come by when dinner is prepared. Do relax in the meantime.”
A little off-put by the creature’s courteous nature, Sombra took the key with his magic, and free of his burden the ninji took off. Sombra’s eyes followed the fellow for a moment before he pocketed the key into his armor and opened the door. Insider was a fairly sizable suite furnished with a dresser and mirror, throw rug, ceiling fan, and a queen-sized bed shaped and colored to look like a turtle shell. Rather cozy arrangements considering the owner, he thought.
Stepping into the room, the stallion saw an opening onto a balcony and another door that he assumed led to the bathroom. A crack of the door proved his assumption correct, as there was a large tub and sink atop tiled flooring beyond. He went over to the bed next and rested his backside onto it, lazily looking around the room and taking in the silence of his new surroundings. Come to think of it, a quick shower would do nicely, he thought. Time spent building his empire didn’t leave much time for regular bathing, and admittedly he was coming off a bit sour.
His decision made, Sombra got back up and unclothed himself, putting aside his cape in order to remove his armoring plate by plate, and finally he lifted up his signature crown and placed it on the dresser. He hurried into the bathroom, unused to his bareness, and worked his legs over the rim of the tub. After some clumsy hoofwork he was in, and with a quick adjustment of the shower nozzle he turned the faucet and let himself bathe in soothing, warm—
“Eyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!”
His body in shearing agony he clambered around the bathtub, screaming desperately while trying to flee from the unrelenting stream of boiling water until he vaulted himself over the porcelain rim and onto the floor. Sombra breathed heavily, wide-eyed from shock, just as Bowser burst in.
“What’s with the noise?! Was there a torture chamber I forgot I installed?” Bowser shifted his eyes down at the traumatized unicorn. “Oh, it’s just you. Taking a shower like I suggested?”
“Why, is the water, so hot, you sadist?” Sombra asked between breaths.
“Shell as thick as mine, that’s the only way I can feel any heat. It helps to test the water first before stepping in, bub, heheh.” Something of interest caught Bowser’s attention. “Say, what’s with the tattoo? That’s a pretty rugged place to put it.”
Sombra’s eyes refocused as he looked to the red, shadow-wrapped crystal marking on his flank before glaring at Bowser. “It’s not a tattoo, you idiot. It’s my... uh...”
“Looks like a tattoo to me.”
“It isn’t; it’s a... mrmerph.”
“A what?”
“A... nnmghpfmn.”
“Say that again.”
“A Cutie Mark , okay!? It’s called a Cutie Mark!”
“Wait, did you seriously say Cutie... czzzkt, Gwahahahahaha !” The Koopa King practically rolled on the floor by that point.
“It’s not funny! That represents my birthright!”
Bowser caught his breath and wiped a tear from his eye. “So, you mean it’s like a birthmark? Then why call it... a ‘Cutie Mark’, hee hee hee.”
“That’s, that’s just what it’s called.” The stallion looked away, his face red with insult and embarrassment.
“O-okay, I believe ya, hehehehe.” Turning away with a big grin on his face, Bowser left his guest to lie within the growing steam. “Dinner’s nearly done, so get cleaned up already!”
Why Sombra hadn’t slammed the irritating turtle into the ceiling at that point will forever remain a mystery to him.
Despite the mild burns, Sombra still took his shower and was back in his usual attire in short order, ready to eat. As promised by the ninji, a koopa troopa arrived to escort him to the dining hall, and after a walk down some stairs and past more statues they were there. An impressive spread was laid out across a long table, consisting mostly of meats, desserts and other fatty foods. Bowser was already face deep into the banquet as Sombra walked up to the table.
“Ah, there you are,” Bowser said between mouthfuls. “Smelling fresh like roses, are we? Sorry bout not waiting, but this day has reeeally built an appetite. Go help yourself.” He resumed pigging out, leaving Sombra to find a seat a safe distance from flying food particles. Sombra looked over the offerings and telekinetically grabbed a plate and took his time placing assorted desserts on it. Scanning the food some more, he then noticed a sheer lack of something.
“Excuse me, where are the vegetables?” he asked.
“Vege-wha?” Bowser asked through a turkey leg, which he then swallowed violently. “Ohhh, don’t tell me you’re one of those types, all picky about what they eat and keeping their figure and yada yada yada. A little bulk doesn’t hurt, ya know.”
“I’m not neurotic about my weight, thank you very much. And while I’d more than willingly partake of what you have offered, there’s certain biological factors that hinder me.”
“Huh?” A lightbulb went off over Bowser’s head. “Ohhhhh , right: horses don’t eat meat. Guess you’re not vegetarian by choice then, heheh.” Sombra just gave him a look. “Right, easy fix.” Bowser brought up his meaty mitts and clapped them together. “Para-Terror Squadron !” Instantly, four purple-shelled para-troopas wearing shades swooped in and up to their master. “We’re in need of some vegetables, doesn’t matter which. And they gotta be fresh, chop chop!” The troopas nodded before shooting off back from whence they came. Looking to his guest, Bowser made a grin while grabbing a dinner roll. “It’ll just be a moment.”
“That... really wasn’t necessary,” Sombra said.
“Oh yes it is. I can’t have you starving because you can’t digest normal food, especially when it’s not your fault. That’d make me a lame host.” A loud swoosh and a purple blur went past Sombra’s face, leaving a plateful of assorted veggies on his plate. “And there ya go. Dig in!”
Sombra lifted up a carrot with his magic, looking it over its orange crispness and fresh scent. “...Thank you.”
“No sweat!”
“Though I wish you’d be just as considerate with your table manners.”
“My dinner table, my rules. Be as messy as ya want or not, I don’t care.” The ravenous koopa devoured an entire set of ribs, and after giving off a belch he asked, “Hey, how bout explaining that Cutie Mark? Were you born with it, as in it’s always been there? Gotta say, I’d be pretty embarrassed if something like that were to appear on my butt. Least yours is kinda cool-looking.”
“Can we please not talk about that right now, I just want to eat.” Sombra took a sharp bite out of the carrot, crunching it angrily and loudly enough for his host to hear.
“Alright, we can just eat and not talk.”
“Good.” Sombra resumed eating his vegetable medley as Bowser munched away at his meats in relative silence.
“So, does it stretch out if you put on weight, or does it stay the same shape regardless?” A cream puff splattered across his face in answer. “...Fair enough.”
A few hours later, Sombra was back in his room getting ready for bed. Aside from the one bit of unpleasant conversation, dinner had been uneventful. Once the glutton had his fill he bid goodnight and went to his bed chambers, leaving the unicorn tyrant to be escorted back by his troopa escort. A good meal overall: the vegetables proved very raw, but the desserts were quite delicious, though packed with ludicrous amounts of calories that made him especially lethargic.
Turning off the lights and placing himself beneath the covers of the bed, Sombra laid down his head and reflected briefly on the day’s events before shutting his eyes. As he gave in to the peaceful ether of sleep, he thought that, in all, despite the circumstances that led up to that moment, it wasn’t that bad a day.
War Machine Introspective
Brusque & Brooding
War Machine Introspective
Late morning at the Koopa place saw Sombra, remarkably refreshed and well-fed, entering the throne room with his assigned troopa escort. Stepping through the massive doors, the stallion saw Bowser sitting on his throne, picking his razor-sharp teeth for what he assumed to have been bits of a breakfast that could feed a dozen. Memories of the glutton’s meat-stuffed gullet made him glad that he had eaten alone, otherwise he might not have lived it down for second time.
“Ahhhh, the illustrious King Slumbra finally joins his ever wondrous benefactor, wahahaha,” the chilling king greeted, flicking his claws before resting them on the throne. “Take it you had a swell snooze?”
“Yes, surprisingly enough,” Sombra answered. “I’m more surprised that you got up as early as you did. After all that you shoveled down your throat, I’d imagine you’d have gone into hibernation.”
“HA! And normally you’d be right, but not today. I’ve actually got a schedule of events planned that need me up with the albatosses, and much of it involves you!”
“Hm, what?”
The groaning of the double doors interrupted the conversation, and turning back, Sombra saw the cranky hag Kammy enter the room. She stopped by the stallion to size him up, then stuck her head up before striding down the rest of the carpet to the throne. “The workers have been assembled, Your Demandingness.”
“Swell to hear, Kammy. Bring ‘em in.” Kammy bowed, then turned around and brought her bony fingers to her lips to make a piercing whistle. A flood of individuals rushed into the room instantly, knocking Sombra away as they lined up in the center. The unicorn quickly stood back up and composed himself, and taking a spot near the throne he looked at the newcomers: rows of koopa troopas, goombas, para-troopas, Hammer Bros, Shy Guys, two lakitus, a wiggler and even a few bloopers, all loaded with carpentry equipment and hardhats. The crotchety crone skulked among the ranks, inspecting each one with a scrutinous eye, as Bowser leaned in Sombra’s direction.
“Meet the Castle Rebuild Division: the meanest bunch of builders to ever use a nail. No job is too great, no task too messy, and no project is too hopeless for them to handle. I figure if I’m owing you a castle, I’ll give ya one that won’t break so easily, and these are the guys to make it happen.”
"They await further orders," Kammy reported, as she took a step to the side of the throne unoccupied by Sombra. Bowser gave a firm nod, then stood up and stomped down to his minions with his arms sorta clasped behind his shell. He paced back and forth before them, scanning them intently. The workers stood rigid and focused before his gaze as he spoke.
“I see a lot of fresh faces among you. A good many who weren’t around from the beginning, who remember of the old days and the lands we hearken from. But out there is a pitch-black dirt ball called World 3, and dead center in it is a pile of rubble: all that remains of an architectural fossil that I used to call one of my own castles. It was large, ugly to look at, and was pretty much only a long hallway. No bedrooms, no baths, not even a breakfast nook. Something that was best left forgotten to the ages.
“But today, you are all to go out into that miserable level, find that sad pile, and put it back together. And not only are you going to reassemble that living-space abomination, you’re going to make it better. You’re going to update the design and install every living commodity advancement that’s come out in the past twenty years. Not only that, but it must also be fit for a king, a ruthless king, a dastardly baddie of the night who devours souls and steals candy from babies every other day of the week. You’ll build it like you were building your very own dream house of evil. I’m talking spike traps, collapsing ceilings, lava flows, the works. And it’s going to look nice. It’s gonna sparkle; heck, it’s going to shine with perfection! And I know it’s gonna be done because it’s going to be done by my own workers. Workers that never quit, workers that never complain, and workers that never take breaks upon pain of torture.
“You’re gonna work hard because you’ve been trained hard. You’ve faced disasters no mortal contractor should ever have to see and you turned them around, time and time again. And you know why? Because you’re the best , and the best never surrender until completion. And that is your primary goal in this project: completion, with flying freakin’ colors. What that castle used to be is no more; you’ll show no mercy in its reconstruction. You’re gonna tear into that junk heap like fruit through a Yoshi; you’re gonna rip out whatever’s left of that foundation and use it to make the finest darn doorstop imaginable, for the best darn castle imaginable! You’re gonna do it quick, you’re gonna do it mean, you’re gonna do it with corners wholly intact! Cuz that’s what you do, that’s what you were trained to do, born to do, and Angry Sun be my witness if any one of My hardened warriors backs down from a challenge they’ve proven time and again to annihilate without effort ! Now get out there and make your King proud !”
“Yaaaaaaaaaaa!”
“ Bowser Rules!”
“ Rock And Rooooooll!”
Waving their hammers and blueprints, the weekend warriors stampeded out of the throne room and went charging over the drawbridge and off into the distance in less than a minute, crying havoc and praise to their king as a roiling dust cloud rose in their wake. From a window, Bowser looked down with a prideful smirk.
“That was impressive,” Sombra spoke as he approached his beaming host. “Given how easily I got your troops to switch sides before, I’m surprised to see the sheer fervent loyalty you garner from them.”
“I wouldn’t be in this business long as I have if I were lousy at inspiring confidence in the troops,” Bowser turned from the window and looked at his guest with a devious grin. “Speaking of which, wait till you see the first bit of entertainment I have planned for you!”
“For me?” Sombra asked, pointing a hoof at himself. “Um, that rousing speech was entertainment enough I should s—”
“Don’t be like that!” Bowser slapped an arm around Sombra’s shoulders as he walked him to the exit. “You’re gonna love it, guaranteed. I know I will.”
'Oh no, what’s this simpleton playing at?' Sombra thought, dread filling his head as his overbearing host led him out of the throne room practically against his will.
A few winding hallways and stairs later, Sombra and Bowser had reached what appeared to be the soldier barracks, based on the numbers of spike-hatted goombas and armored troopas that were milling about. Towards the end of a particularly wide hall there were a crowd of troops crowding around and shuffling out an exit, but Bowser stopped his guest a ways from them.
“My men are gathering for today’s special entertainment, but for me and you, we get VIP seats,” Bowser directed with a grin as he pushed open a door to his right that led into a narrower, more secluded hall. Sombra followed Bowser’s lead down the torch-lit corridor, a light and clamor growing steadily as they neared the end. Turning a corner, a flare of noon sunlight blinded the stallion briefly, and when his vision cleared he saw a large, circular training field, its edges packed with cheering soldiers. The cheers, he quickly realized, were for Bowser, who triumphantly moved over to a shaded observer’s box while waving his arms with an obnoxious smile. Sombra followed the koopa into the box, watching him take a seat in an observer’s throne which, to his chagrin, was the only seat in the booth. Taking a second to grind his teeth, Sombra sided beside the throne and looked to his attention-hog landlord.
“This is the entertainment: parading around your armed forces, or showing off your shameless levels of hamming-it-up?” Sombra ventured.
“Not at all!” Bowser answered in high spirits. “This is clearly a firing ceremony.”
Intrigued by that, Sombra took a closer look at the training field and suddenly noticed that something was sticking up in the cleared middle: a tall wooden post with a red cone on top, and tied to it, struggling, was a blue-clothed Snifit with an eyepatch and scar on his mask. Sombra raised an eyebrow; things suddenly became interesting.
“I call this assembly to Silence !” The chatter of the soldiers ceased immediately at their lord’s command. “Today, for the crime of making a poorly-built bomb and endangering the life of your ever-compassionate dictator, the Empire’s head bomb-maker is to be dealt punishment. How do you plead, knave? Huhhuh, such a weird word.”
“B-but, my King! I crafted it to your precise specifications!” the Snifit pleaded whilst struggling. “I looked it over fifty times upon completion, and found no fault whatsoever. The button was the only means of setting it off!”
“Oh, there was a fault alright: the fact the button looked like the rest of the dang thing . Would it have killed ya to put some different coloring around it, or at least an arrow pointing to where it was so I’d know what not to touch?”
“That was the same exact suggestion I offered, but you, my King, you dismissed it, on the grounds that doing so would ruin the camouflage and give it away!”
...Really? Sombra thought in disgust at the stupidity that was coming to light.
“Enough of your excuses!” Bowser hollered. “You know, I was originally going to string you up from the outer wall and have the Spear Guys have at ya, but because I have a special guest in attendance, I thought I’d give him some entertainment. Then I thought, heck, why not entertain all my Loving Subjects as well ?” This brought on an uproar of cheers from the warrior assembly in appreciation for their ruler. Bowser raised and lowered his arm to signal the congregation back to silence. “So bomb-maker, what say you: How do you plead?”
“I was just following your ordeeeeers !” the Snifit screamed, practically crying in sheer panicked desperation.
“Then follow these: you stand relieved.” From the side of his throne, Bowser pulled out a decorative box with a shiny red button on top. “When you see Mowzer, tell him the Bob-OOM hadn't been a total failure.” Leaning over to Sombra, he held the detonator in front of his muzzle. “Go ahead, you do the honors.”
“What? No, this is your specta—”
“Naw, you do it.” Bowser waggled the detonator tantalizingly. “You’re the guest, after all.”
Sombra sighed before raising a hoof and pressing the button. At the base of the wooden post, a shower of sparks and smoke fired into the ground, shaking it before it rocketed up into the sky. A trailing scream of “I’ve always respected youuuuu ” marked its ascent before ending in a literal bang, an image of Bowser making a victory sign spreading across the air upon detonation. Waves of “ooohs” and applause went up from the crowd at the midday fireworks, just as Bowser stood from his seat and looked down on his subjects.
“Now back to training, all of ya, or you’re joining him for slacking off!” Immediately the crowd dispersed and filled up the rest of the training field to resume, well, training. Planting his claws to his sides, Bowser looked to Sombra with a smug grin. “That’s how ya keep ‘em in line: intimidation through entertainment. ‘Two birds with one stone’ at its most excellent execution.”
“More comical than intimidating in my opinion,” Sombra dismissed.
“Baaaah, what do you know? Anyway, let’s move on to the next activity.”
“There’s more?”
“Well, duh! It’d be a pretty lame day if we just ended there. Nope, we move on!” Bowser stomped out of the booth and back into the castle with Sombra following, a little less begrudgingly than before. Back in the wide hallway from earlier, the two headed to the other end, where a door to the training field awaited. Outside on the dirt, Sombra could see various groups of soldiers performing different exercises and routines, and a fair number of them running around the field through an obstacle course that he swore hadn’t been there a minute ago.
“Considering the devastation made by my Shadow Bomb, I’m amazed you have this many soldiers around,” Sombra commented.
“Years of repeated failures have taught me to always keep a back-up force and around-the-clock recruitment and training,” Bowser said. “No matter the losses, there’ll be more pumped out to fill in the gaps. Victory through sheer numbers, baby. Bwahahaha!”
Bowser escorted Sombra along the edge of the field, belting out “motivators” to his troops.
“Keep in time you maggots! Watch those rows! No pain no gain, ya nancies! Those are barely half your weight, sissy! Harder you weaklings!”
A Boomerang Bro approached the towering king, snapping a salute upon stopping. “Are the recruits to your liking, Sir?”
“If by liking you mean utter disappointment then you’d be correct, Sergeant!” Bowser balked. “I’m starting to feel you’re losing your edge in honing these pansies into hardened killing machines. From where I’m standing, they wouldn’t even survive past the first level!”
“Aye Aye! I’m on it, Sir!” The Boomerang Bro snapped off another salute before running back to the troops, where he then began “encouraging” them with repeated throwings of his boomerang at their backsides.
“It’s all in the discipline, Sombie. Bet ya never thought I’d have things so in control, huh?” Bowser made a sly, yet monstrous grin.
“You do seem to run a tight ship,” Sombra admitted as he and Bowser walked on. “This day has been nothing but surprises.”
Bowser stopped abruptly when he came in sight of a number of red-shelled troopas struggling to jog over some crossbars. “What do you think you’re doing? This isn’t a Sunday stroll; why aren’t you keeping the pace?”
“Too... exhausted...” one of the troopas moaned as his head kept bobbing in accordance to his steps and breathlessness.
“Exhausted?! What you are is fat! You wouldn’t be hurting if you’d just lay off the snacks, cream puff! And what’s the rest of your excuses?”
“What’s the... point? We just... walk back and... forth in a single... spot, all day,” another troopa breathed out.
“Is that back-talk I hear, soldier?! You better get your attitude straight or I’ll straighten it by planting my big foot somewhere reeeal unpleasant!”
The troopas didn’t speed up in the slightest, making Bowser stomp the ground and growl with impatience. Sombra, on the other hand, merely took a deep breath and closed his eyes, his horn glowing a bright red. The air grew heavy and everything darkened, making everyone either slow down or stop to look anxiously at the sudden dimness. Things got especially dark around the lagging troopas as a black cloud billowed up behind them, forming into three towering hellspawn that grew red eyes and fangs and claws that sought to snatch some tender turtle prey with blood-curdling screeches. The troopas gave their own yells in return before zipping off blindly, barreling through their leading comrades and gaining a 1-up at hyper speed. The smoke monsters withered and evaporated, bringing light levels to normal as Bowser looked over to a smiling Sombra.
“I find fear goes a long way in instilling discipline; far more effective than threat of physical harm. Based from my experience,” he said, with an air of smugness.
“Hrrmm... and no need for me to yell,” Bowser pondered before snapping his claws. “Right, I’ll add it to the training regiment. My vocal chords owe you thanks!”
“Well, somebody has to pick up your slack, so it might as well be an expert.”
“Hnnn. I’ll let that slide since you’re not used to me showing gratitude.” Bowser turned around and headed for the door from whence they came. “That’s enough showing of the man-power. Now we move on to the actual strategizing.” Wondering what he meant by that, Sombra followed along back indoors.
Not far from the training area, koopa and stallion stepped into what looked to be a war room, with a large round table in the center covered with maps and checklists and a number of minions taking notes and tacking sheets of data on the walls.
“Alright nameless extras, scram!” Bowser announced. “Your astoundingly suave leader needs some thinking time alone.” Without objection, the minions shrugged and left in an orderly procession out another door. The room to themselves, Bowser stomped up to the table and waited for Sombra to join, who did so with some curiosity.
“These are where my biggest plans are worked on, refined and executed,” Bowser explained. “Assaults, blitzes, and more recently: invasions.” Sombra looked over the table and saw that it was mostly covered by a large, crudely drawn picture of Peach’s Castle and the surrounding buildings of Toad Town. Actually, crudely drawn may have been too harsh: it was perfectly average for an aspiring first-grader artist. All over the picture were arrows and lines and notes for attack patterns, flanking maneuvers, item box drop sites, and a few doodles of Bowser laying waste and standing atop two X-eyed Mario brothers while wearing a crown. Sombra had an idea of who designed the map.
“This was supposed to be the end result of a months-long planned invasion that a certain nosy horse decided to totally wreck,” Bowser resumed. “This is how it would’ve went down if it had gone accordingly.” For the next bit of speech the koopa pointed to parts of the map. “Ground troops would storm into the town, tearing up the place and causing mass hysteria, with para-troopas raining mayhem from the air. Meanwhile, my heavy hitters come in from the side here to attack the castle gates. While the guards are distracted, my stealth units would come in from the back here, sneak in, eliminate resistance on the inside and open the doors.
“By that time, the town would have been completely occupied, as well as the area surrounding the castle. At that point, I swoop on down, scare a few Toads, and bust into the throne room of the castle with my team of elite shock troopers. The only factor unaccounted for will be Peach’s personal guard, by which I mean Mario and his lackluster sibling, but considering I would have taken everything else by then, resistance would just be futile on their part. Run or fight, it won’t make a difference; I will have finally won completely! Gwuhahahaha !”
Bowser’s stint of dramatically evil laughter came off as blase to Sombra, but then again, the effect had long worn off after seeing him do it for the thirtieth time. However, it didn’t detract from the soundness of Bowser’s simple strategy.
“For something like this to happen, it would take massive numbers,” Sombra noted.
“Which I had , until a certain someone—whom I won’t name—botched it. But in a few months, there’ll be enough troops to give it another go.”
“Actually, it may not have to be that long.” Sombra rose up and planted his front hooves onto the table to get a better look. “I noticed there’s no artillery implemented into this attack.”
“Naw, I haven’t thought of that. Figured I could scare the wits outta them with a giant mass of blood-thirsty minions looking to pillage and take names. Though some added firepower wouldn’t hurt, I suppose.”
“Indeed it wouldn’t, plus it would create a whole other approach.” Sombra tapped his hoof on one part of the map. “Rather than have your men storm the castle gates, you could position your artillery here and bombard it from a distance. You could also fire upon the castle if you wanted to, as it seems to suffer a crippling lack of high walls. But if you want to preserve the castle—say as a trophy piece—then you could use them to support troops in the town.”
“Yeah... Yeah! I could blow open the gates so my heavies won’t be tuckered out by the time they get to the front door! Just roll some tanks in and fire away, maybe even send in a few to flatten some houses for some extra shock and awe. And they’d provide great shelter for my last ditch end game bomb!”
“Err, are you sure you want to put a high explosive near any of your forces, much less your heavy weaponry? After the last... two times, wouldn’t you want it put elsewhere? Or perhaps, nowhere at all, given your fortune?”
“I have to have my back-up boomer, otherwise my retreat would look all the more shameful. But you have a point; I’ll make a note to put it someplace faaaaaar away, and have it airlifted by some Fly Guys. But wait, then if there were Yoshis they’d be an easy target. Hmmmm...”
“Alternatively, if you insist on using an ‘end game bomb’, you could just have it delivered by a long-range firing mechanism well after your forces have left the area. It will give the enemy a false sense of victory and relief, making them oblivious to utter annihilation.”
“Whoa, that’s demented. I like it!” Bowser grabbed a nearby crayon and scribbled something onto the map. “Gotta get these notes down. Ar-till-ery... Bomb-launched-from-dis-tance... And you know what, I have just the thing for that: a really freakin’ big cannon built right into the castle! Gonna have to do some maintenance; I’ve barely used the darn thing. But that can totally work! Hmm, and maybe have it done when it’s dark out so they won’t see us coming until it’s too late! Bwuhahaha, so ingenious.”
Bowser stopped scribbling a moment and looked straight at Sombra. “Hold on, why are you telling me this stuff? Kinda goes against the bad guy code of not helping rivals.”
“Bad guy or not, as a proper strategist, I know when to commend a decent attack strategy. Which, by some profoundly astronomical serendipity, you managed to produce.” Sombra got down from the table. “That said, I find some moderate joy in making small improvements to such plans, as a sort of reward to the planner for not making me slap my hoof to my face. And it’s not like I’ll be utilizing these strategies any time soon, thanks to another individual who shall not be named.”
“Huh, sounds like we have the same annoying meddler. Hahahahahaha!” Sombra lifted his eyebrows, part dismissively and part amusedly. Bowser continued, “Just kidding. But hey, didn’t think today would be so productive, as well as entertaining!” The scaly tyrant clapped his claws together. “I dunno bout you, but all this brainstorming and host stuff has got me hungry. Let us adjourn to the dining room and get some grub. Bet ya didn’t think I could say fancy words too, huh?”
“Color me even more surprised,” Sombra said flatly.
“Yeah, you could use some color. Maybe afterwards we can go sunning on the roof, have some cold brews and take in the scenery. It’ll be like the beach, only much cooler cuz it’s happening at my place.”
“I think I’ll pass...”
“Yeah; food first, then we agree on the next activity. Man, I never doubted my hosting abilities, but this has been easy!”
As Bowser and Sombra left the room, a curious train of thought went through the unicorn’s mind. Despite being in the ignoramus dinosaur’s presence for several hours, nothing considerably bad had occurred, and had all been rather pleasant by moron-interaction standards. Why, his host even came off as... tolerable. Not only that, but there was actually a glimmer of a somewhat intelligent, or at least clever individual beneath the mass of fat and muscle.
A startling admission to be sure, but it comforted Sombra in a way. And given how well the first night went, this temporary stay of residence may not be as bad as he originally thought.
Author's Note
With much credit to Patton, that magnificent bastard.
Brusque & Brooding
Letting It Out
So it went without incident for some time at the Koopa Keep. On one particularly average day, nearly one week since his arrival, Sombra stood out on his suite’s balcony, looking over the barren wastes beyond while reflecting back on his time under Bowser’s roof. For the past two days the koopa king hadn’t dragged him along for any planned activities, or meals for that matter. At first it was a welcome break, but in a castle that wasn’t being demolished or experiencing some form of zaniness, things got dull pretty quickly. Originally, Sombra considered quiet solitude his ideal form of relaxation, but to his dismay he felt more restless than relaxed as of late.
Giving the empty plains a last look, he turned back into his suite and out into the hall in search of something more interesting. The castle staff had stopped escorting him a few days ago, giving him free reign to do as he pleased. A fatal oversight to anyone who cared the slightest for their castle’s security, yet for the past week Sombra had no mind for sabotage, or anything heinous for that matter. It upset him slightly when he thought to how fine he was with lounging about his enemy’s castle while his own was being rebuilt, but only slightly.
With no idea whatsoever for something engaging, Sombra headed for the throne room, thinking his awfully generous host would have some ideas. Perhaps even see why he hasn’t been pestering him these two days. Upon reaching the doors of the throne room, Sombra whipped up some magic to push them inward, and just as he was about to announce his presence an unsettling sight stop him in his tracks: Bowser was sitting atop his throne, and... playing with dolls?
“‘Oh no, it’s the ever terrifying and studly Bowser come to kidnap me again. Such an incredible devil of daring he is!’” He spoke in a high-pitch voice while dangling around a doll that looked like Peach. “Bwahahaha! Yes princess, I have come for you once again, only don’t bother counting on the Mario Brothers to bail you out. ‘Oh woe is me, I’m so useless and nothing more than a pretty face, I am completely powerless before your gruff charms.’”
“Ermmm, what is going on?”
“Bwuuh !” Bowser cried as he shoved the dolls and his claws behind his back. “W-What do you want; don’t you know how to knock?!”
“I wasn’t aware you were... busy,” Sombra replied with as straight a face as he could manage. “I was merely looking for a means to pass the time, as you haven’t come to bother me as of late.”
“W-Well I don’t recall telling you to barge in whenever you want, especially when I’m in the middle of, uh, private matters!” Bowser said with a reddening face.
“There wasn’t a sign on the door saying such, if these indeed were private matters. And also, did I actually see you playing with dolls just now?”
“Uhh uhh... yeah.” Bowser looked down, scratching the ground with his toe. “It’s just, something I do every once in awhile. Not all the time, just to unwind a bit. Nothing wrong with that, nuh-uh.”
“Considering how child-minded you are, it doesn’t surprise me in the least,” Sombra remarked as he turned around. “Since you’re preoccupied, I’ll go elsewhere.”
Just as Sombra stepped through the door,
“Wait!” Bowser’s outcry stopped the stallion, who turned back around. “Uh, if you’re looking for something to do, then maybe you’d like to stick around and play some?”
Sombra stiffened with an eye twitch. “Did you just seriously ask me that?”
“There’s no harm in it, and it’s supposed to be all therapeutic and junk. Besides, it’s not as weird if two people do it, right?”
A small yet loud part of Sombra’s psyche was screaming at him to get out of their as fast as his hooves could carry him, but a mixture of curiosity, boredom, and the sound of sincerity in Bowser’s request silenced it. With a deep breath he trotted across the length of the throne room and stopped short of the overgrown lizard manchild.
“Since there’s nothing else to do, I may spare a few minutes.”
“Awesome!” Bowser said delightedly as he withdrew the two dolls from before, as well as a few extras. “Here, you can be Mario, and I can be me.” Sombra telekinetically took the proffered figurine, flipping it over to inspect the wear and rugged textures. Clearly a toy that’s been around for a while... or played with more frequency than “once in awhile.”
“So you ready? I’ll lead.” Bowser held up the dolls of Peach and himself, alternating voices. “Ahahaha, you’re mine, my sweet little Peach! Hand over your kingdom and I’ll go easy on ya. ‘Oh yeah? Well no matter how smooth an operator you are, my pudgy hero Mario is here to save the day again!’ Is that so? Well I’m not afraid of him. Do your worst, foul loser plumber!” A pause followed. “Hey, it’s your turn.”
“Huh? Oh, yes, um...” Sombra waved the Mario doll around. “I’ve come to stop you, odious reptile—”
“No no no, you gotta be in character,” Bowser interrupted. “Mario doesn’t use words like that, and you didn’t even try sounding like him. Put some effort into it.”
Sombra looked at the Mario doll vexingly, then gave it another go. “Um... ‘It’s a-me, Mario’?”
“Wahaha! My eternal counterpart, I knew you would come,” Bowser resumed. “You might be cocky and sure of yourself from the number of times you’ve beaten me, but I assure you, things won’t happen like they usually— Hey what's that ? Ha! Fooled you! Now you have a hammer to the back, and some Fire ! Bwaaaaaaaa! Taste my wrath! Chzzz Chzzz. Yes! You have been defeated! I alone remain victorious, forever, until the end of time. And the crowd goes wild for Bowser! ‘Aaaaah! Aaaaaaah!’”
Sombra gave his hardest deadpan before saying, “...I’m done.” He whipped his mane as he turned to leave, but Bowser got to his feet and reached out to him.
“Wait hold on, why are you quitting now?”
“The whole thing’s absurd,” Sombra stated. “Aside from the fact two adults are playing with dolls—one being far more invested than the other—what fun is there if you’re going to defeat me when I barely have a say? That’s just bad role-playing.”
“Okay, yeah, I see your point. Didn’t take you into consideration. Heh, my bad.” Sombra still didn’t look amused. “Alright, I have a quick fix. Instead of Mario, you can be you.” Bowser reached behind himself and held out another doll, this one shaped like a pony and crudely painted black with a piece of red fabric affixed to its back. Sombra pulled the toy over to him and looked at it curiously.
“...I take it this is me?” he asked, though he already knew the answer.
“Yeah, I recently added it to the collection,” Bowser said unabashedly. “Sorry for it looking so cruddy. I couldn’t find one that had your color, so I had to paint it myself. Bit of a rush job, I know.”
“You had the time to give me an unflattering face and cross-eyes.”
“I mostly just stomp on it a bunch, so I wanted to capture the feel. But now ‘you’ get to be in the spotlight for once! So let’s take it from the top again.” Bowser held up his Peach and personal doll for another performance. “‘Oh no, what is that evil looming darkness that sweeps in like a terrible nightmare storm? I’ve never seen something so evil, except for you, Bowser!’ Bwahahaha, that’s Sombra come to back me up in taking down your pretty, innocent domain. “Oh, extra woes be to me and my prissy rulership!’” Bowser looked to Sombra and his dolls. “You’re not even worth being stepped on by me, Mario. Now you’re gonna get trashed by four hooves of misery at the behest of my cool, flowy-haired partner! Okay, now toss that impudent plumber to the ground.”
Sombra stared at Bowser a moment.
“Go on, that’s your cue!” Bowser whispered, and with a roll of the eyes Sombra lifted up the Mario doll and tossed it to the ground. “Yea-Heeh! Not so tough now, are ya? Now stomp him into the dirt! Don’t give him a chance to breathe!” Sombra shrugged and lifted a hoof. “No no no, use your other you.”
“Why?”
“Cuz it’s more realistic.” Bemused by that statement, Sombra brought down his own doll and banged it on the Mario doll repeatedly, while Bowser stood with glee. “Yeah, taste it, Taste It ! That’s four instead of two feet hitting ya, double the pain! Stupid mustache not so high and mighty now, huh? No stop in sight on the pain train for you, loser! Bwahahaha!” Bowser brought out the Peach doll. “‘Oh, please stop it, you rugged stallion of a savage! He doesn’t have nearly enough fat to survive such a beating!’ There’s no use beggin, Peachy. That’s one stone-cold heartless horse, and ain’t no one gonna stand up to him for long, especially some overweight Italian! Look at him go; talk about a beast! Wahahaha!”
The act was rather amusing to Sombra at first, but Bowser’s commentary put a damper on his mood as something began to rise in his thoughts: something that had been bothering him since his second day at the castle, and which grew more vexing as time went by. With his host’s rapt attention on him, he figured now was as good a time as any to bring it up. Sombra stopped battering the big-nosed toy and stood silent a moment before facing Bowser.
“...Why are you doing this?” he asked.
“Cuz imagination is fun!” Bowser plopped himself back on the throne to fiddle with his dolls some more. “Why is it only alright for kids to do it without getting weird looks, the dumb pampered little snots.”
“No, I meant, why are you doing these things for me?”
“...What things?”
“Fine living accommodations, lavish meals, making the effort to entertain me, your very subjects waiting on hand and knee for me, sharing your...” Waved around his doll. “‘Private’ affairs, offering me shelter instead of leaving me out to the wilds. Why are you doing these things? I thought you despised me with a fiery passion.”
“Yeah, I did. At least, I used to, until we had that rumble from the other week. Then you didn’t seem so bad afterwards.”
A shot of surprise flickered through Sombra’s gaze, but he retained his cool. “Explain.”
“I had said real villains settle their differences with their fists. When I got the chance to finally wail on ya, I saw the kind of guy you really were, and it wasn’t too shabby,” Bowser exposited while still shaking around his dolls. “You get annoying by talking big and acting stuck-up, but that night I found that you could back those big words up. And I have to admit, there was a lot of stress going on at the time that may have clouded my judgment that I needed to vent, and luckily you were just the right punching bag for the job, huh huh.”
The stallion still wasn’t sure he had heard all of that correctly. “Then, what about my kidnapping of the princess, and destroying your invasion?”
“Water under the bridge. The Peach thing was a pretty jerk move though, but I got to bust you up pretty good for it. And the whole, you know, destroying your home deal. So bygones be bygones and what have ya. Up for another bit of kingdom conquering?”
Bowser held out his dolls eagerly, but Sombra’s mind had inexplicably blanked momentarily. But before the silence persisted too long, Sombra huffed and put his miniature softly on the ground. “I think I’ll retire for now, until dinner.”
“You sure?” Bowser said, a little disappointed.
“Yes. But this had been... interesting, to say the least.” Sombra began to trot to the throne room doors.
“Heh, you see? Nothing to be ashamed of! Well you rest up, my guest. Oh, and keep the door closed when you leave, will ya? ‘K thanks!”
The stallion remained stoic as he magically sealed the doors behind him, leaving Bowser to gleefully harass his patchwork captive.
Sleep didn’t come to Sombra later that night. Despite a hearty potato and gravy dinner, he was as wide awake as could be. He had even taken off his armor to better relax, but a cool breeze from the balcony over his bare coat wouldn’t soothe his thoughts. What had been said in the throne room kept whirling around his head, and it was frustratingly irksome to say the least.
Finding no respite in the darkness of his room, Sombra decided a nighttime stroll was in order. Putting on his cape before leaving his room oh so quietly, he walked the empty, dimly lit halls of the upper floor, his hoof falls reverberating as though to announce his solitude to anyone who listened. He wandered directionless down hall after hall for a time deep in thought, never once running into anyone.
His aimless reverie ended when a spot of light caught his attention. Streaked across the hall floor was a swath of orange that came from a door, slightly cracked. Curious, he headed for the door and peeked through the crack. Inside appeared to be study of some kind, with a nice-sized fireplace (the source of the orange glow), an animal-skin rug (probably Fido), and some bookshelves (though really they were more for decoration). Across from the fire sat Bowser in a comfy, throne-shaped easy chair, swirling a glass of a dark liquid before taking a large sip.
“Ahhh, Chuckle Cola,” he sighed in content. “Such rich, bubbly flavor. Expensive as crazy, but totally worth it.” Bowser took another gulp before resigning to silence once more. Sombra lifted a hoof, and bringing it to the door, tapped it three times. The courteous rapping brought Bowser’s attention to the door, just as Sombra poked his head through.
“Oh, heyo, Sombra,” Bowser hailed from his seat.
“Mind if I come in?” Sombra asked in a soft tone.
“Sure thing!” Bowser waved the stallion in, who obliged. “So what brings you by? Shouldn’t you be asleep?”
“Sleep eludes me. I thought I could walk about instead. Yourself?”
“Eh, I sometimes get in the mood for staying up and chilling here in the study. I had it installed for kicks, so why not make use of it?” Bowser downed the rest of his import cola. “I see you’re not wearing that armor of yours.”
“It proved to be a mite stuffy tonight. I hope it doesn’t offend you.”
“No qualms from me. Hey, the most I’ve ever worn was a tux. Other than that, it’s the full monty! Bwahahaha!”
The stallion just gave him a look. “Classy as always.”
Bowser ignored the remark completely as he looked to his guest. “Hmph, well it may interest you to know that I got a report from the construction site. Your brand-spanking new castle will be done in just a few days. That means you won’t be mooching offa me for long, heheh.”
“Yes, what a tremendous relief that will be for you, and what ecstatic joy it will be for me,” Sombra replied, lazily kicking a hoof. Bowser leaned forward in his seat, his mirth toned down considerably.
“What’s bugging ya? It’s ruining my vibe.”
“Am I really that transparent?”
“Sure; your face is longer than usual. So what’s eating ya already?”
Sombra sighed. “If you must know, it’s about what you said to me earlier today, when we played with your... dolls.”
“I didn’t make you sound cool enough? Or because I called ya partner? I could come up with a solo act for you next—”
“No you dolt, it has nothing to do with your over-elaborately staged cry for help.”
“Then what?”
“The last thing you said, about me, and how you didn’t think I was so bad.” Sombra trotted solemnly toward the fireplace. “After all the times I stepped on your toes, got in your way, even tried to overthrow you, it was startling to hear that kind of admission. And that opened up an entirely bigger realization.” He paused a moment, looking to the side before continuing. “Everything you’ve done these past days, have been the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. And, freakishly enough, you have been the only one to show any form of kindness to me in recent memory.”
“...Seriously?”
“Quite serious.” Sombra looked back to the fire. “That gave me cause to think back on something I hadn’t thought about in a long time. On the times before my arrival here, before talking mushrooms and turtles and chaotic misfortune filled my life. Back when I was truly ‘King’... Is it alright if I get comfortable?”
Bowser waved a claw. “Knock yourself out.”
Sombra nodded in modest appreciation, and with a glow of his horn he undid his cape and laid it on the floor before the fireplace, placing himself down upon it. Curling his legs close to his body, he stared into the soothing warmth of the fire as he resumed.
“That remark you made earlier, about me being heartless? Just one of many entitlements, attributed to me by those whom I enslaved. They called me cruel, a monster without feeling or remorse, and they had every right to. My rule had burned into their memories an affliction of pain and despair brought upon by the very thought of my name. What had been a peace-loving society, I showed them a future of misery without end.”
“Heh, pretty hardcore stuff, if that's true.”
“Oh, it was very true. True enough to catch the attention of the land’s two ruling princesses. Hmph, I still remember the day they came to dethrone me: no peace talks, no negotiations. Just immediate banishment. They didn’t even find a need to hold trial. Far beyond such civility was what they thought of me; like any monster, I had to be put down without question.”
Sombra looked at his hooves in a long silence before resuming. “I was condemned to the shadows indefinitely instead of outright executed. Spare themselves the unpleasantries, yet the alternative proved to be much crueler. Without shape I was trapped beneath layers of ice, a forgotten shadow amidst frigid crystals. I can never forget how the cold felt that entire time. A biting freeze that seeps into your very soul, driving mad those who do not perish from first exposure. That growing madness became my only companion, as my sanity was steadily eaten away by it.
“Each year in my thousand year imprisonment, I could feel my mental faculties corroding away, little by little, in increasing agony. My reason gave way to unequivocal hate to those who put me there, and I became mindless, losing sight of who I had been. I was steadily becoming the pitiless monster they all feared me for, and it hurt beyond imagining.
“I could feel myself dying, although my spirit wouldn’t wane.” His eyes grew downcast. “Plunging deeper into fathomless darkness. Becoming less myself, less pony, less... real. So endless...” A choked sob cut off any further words as his stolid composure crumbled before a fresh flow of tears. Bowser, up to this point fixated by the morose tale, immediately got to his feet.
“Hey, you crying? H-hey, listen, when I called you Sob-ra the other week, I wasn’t being serious, okay?”
“I just... No, it’s just pitiful,” Sombra said, fighting through the stinging tears and heavy breaths to regain some semblance of his earlier control. “What has this place done to me? A cruel emperor of grand infamy, and I’m blubbering away. But, but I’m just... afraid.”
“A... fraid?”
“Pathetic I know, but...” A violent sniff disrupted him. “Remembering what that did to me: the torturous nature of it, that loss of self. How I barely avoided oblivion by the slimmest of margins. I, I never want to face that, that, damning cold. Alone, in the dark... not alive... just raw hate and nothing more...”
The stallion gave in to more crying, but Bowser stomped over to his side, bent down, and patted him on the back, offering words with as much comfort as a hulking turtle dragon could muster. “Hey, there there. It’s alright. There’s no ice prison or anything like that. Just a nice fire, in a safe, awesome study in a big, even more awesome castle.”
Sombra shuddered as he controlled himself somewhat. “I had forgotten how horrible it was. No place to go, no real company to speak of, and for so long. How could anyone recover from that?” Sombra broke into crying once again, seemingly inconsolable. In the face of this newly revealed fear wracking the stallion, Bowser did the most desperate thing he could think of: he hugged him. The thick scaly arms stopped Sombra’s shaking, but it didn’t stopped his tears completely.
“Never knew you had it so rough,” Bowser said in a surprisingly soft voice. “Can’t say I know what you’ve been through. All my life I’ve never been truly alone; there was always somebody around, even if I despised them. Heck, I’ve even been chummy with my biggest enemies from time to time. But you though, heh, you’re something else entirely.” The koopa began unconsciously petting the unicorn’s mane. “You just confirmed how tough a guy you really are.”
“H-huh?”
“Yeeeah. I mean, a thousand years sealed away, then coming out of it ready to conquer, I say you’d have to be made of some pretty tough stuff. Not only that, but you gotta be extremely tough to not only survive, but also be as smart, cunning, refined, and half-as-awesome-as-me big shot as you are. Anyone less than what you are would’ve been crushed after a month, a year if we’re being generous. So in the battle between thousand-year prison and you, you’ve won it, eh, hooves down. No contest.”
A few sniffles came from Sombra as the scaly embrace calmed him down some. He nudged his head deeper into Bowser’s chest before saying, “Just, hold me a while longer. To prove I’m still real.”
“Sure thing, Sombra. Kinda weird, but you got it.”
Allowing the warmth of the fireplace to soothe him, Sombra laid down his head onto Bowser’s lap and snuggled restfully. As his eyes began to slowly close, Bowser snuggled him right back, though somewhat awkwardly.
An unpleasant noise woke Sombra from his restful slumber, the light of morning revealing that he was still lying on the floor of the study. What’s more, he was still in the cradling arms of Bowser, who snored away loudly over him with a snot bubble. A forceful nudge from Sombra’s horn startled the overgrown lizard awake.
“Huh Buh Whuuh ? I’m awake I’m awake! Uh?” Bowser looked down at the stallion on his lap. “Oh, morning there.”
“Did you sleep here the whole night?”
“Huh, I guess I did.” Bowser made an embarrassed grin. “Your fur felt all soft and fuzzy like a stuffed animal, and you looked all adorable asleep and I didn’t want to wake ya, so I musta drifted off sitting here.”
“A-adorable!?” Sombra said with all the surprise of someone receiving a punch to the gut. Bowser merely chuckled at his reaction.
“Uh, yeah. Like one of them over-sized Shetland ponies, the kind people keep as pets.”
“That’s just fantastic; truly the low point of my tyrannical career, being regarded as a houehold pet.” Sombra made a pitiful sigh, just as Bowser patted him on the head.
“You slept pretty good. Felt great to get all that off your chest, huh?” Bowser asked.
“Yes, it did,” Sombra replied. “Something about this world has made me more receptive to my emotions; that was the first time I’ve displayed such weakness. But, I appreciate you for listening and, most sincerely of all, for not mocking me once.”
“Aww, I wouldn’t do that. You were really hurting, I could tell. I admit, I can be a little rough and crude about things, but I’m not completely insensitive to others’ feelings.”
“...Thank you.” Sombra snuggled Bowser a little. “And not a word to anybody, right?”
“Yup, secret’s safe with me. And I don’t even have my fingers crossed for this one.” Bowser held up both his hands to show that, indeed, nothing was crossed. “So, wanna get breakfast?”
“Yes, I am feeling hungry. Though, I think I should head back to my room and pick up my armor. Don’t want to raise any suspicions about what happened here.”
“Good point. I’d definitely not want my minions getting the idea that I’ve gone soft, so we both got something to lose if either of us blab.”
“Indeed.” Sombra got back up on his hooves along with Bowser, and magically lifting up his ruffled cape he gave it a shake before putting it over his back. He turned and headed for the door. “I will see you in the dining hall.”
“I’ll arrange some lettuce. Extra crisp, to celebrate a new man! Erm, stallion.”
A smile crept on Sombra’s face as he left the study, closing the door behind him. Unbeknownst to him, while going in search of his suite, a Hammer Bro on patrol witnessed his departure from behind a pillar, and immediately darted off in the other direction. Soon he came upon a red-shelled Fire Bro and skidded to a halt.
“Dude, something weird is going on!” he said. “Lord Bowser has been getting waaay too cozy with that Sombra guy.”
The Fire Bro sighed. “I’m fully aware of that. And the sad thing is, I don’t think it’s some mind control.”
"Then, what do you think it is?"
The Fire Bro only looked at his fellow soldier in silence, before turning around and walking over to the nearest window. With arms crossed behind his shell, he looked long and hard across the land, mouth set firm.
"Something very, deeply, weird ."
The Inevitable Conclusion
Brusque & Brooding
The Inevitable Conclusion
The day eventually arrived. On the dark plains of World 3, the towering edifice of Sombra’s reconstructed castle lit up the night in gleaming perfection. Within the refurbished entrance hall, Bowser and Sombra stood before the crowd of workers who chatted amongst themselves with anticipation over what their leader had to say. Bowser raised up his arms to motion everyone to silence.
“Alrighty gang, shut your yaps while I talk,” he announced. “From what I can see, it looks like you really outdid yourselves this time around. You took your sweet time in building up this baby, and I can safely say it was time well-spent. So it is with great pleasure to announce this Castle Reconstruction Initiative a success, and the construction after-party has begun!”
The work force cheered and threw up their hardhats to kick-off the celebration before dispersing for the buffet tables and drink dispensers that had been put up earlier.
“Yes, have a good time, minions,” Bowser continued. “Party as hard as you want; just remember that whatever you break you have to fix, otherwise heads are gonna roll.” A gruff-looking, bearded koopa troopa in an orange vest approached his lordship, whom Bowser addressed. “Very superb work your men did, foreman.”
“Well we’re the best of the best, as you said, sir,” the foreman replied.
“Heh, I’m pretty sure you got more into it then usual.”
“You wanted it to be exceptional. Is it too good?”
“Are you kidding? It’s perfect! If my past self had a castle this nice, he wouldn’t have left this World at all.”
“It honors me greatly to hear that, sir. But were you able to look around the entire castle, see if everything was to your liking?”
“Not yet, but that’s what me and the homeowner here are gonna do. Relax with your men, you earned it.”
“Thank you, sir.” The foreman turned and went back to his fellow rabble-rousers, who were shoulder-deep in raucous good times. Bowser looked down to Sombra with an eager look.
“So how bout it: wanna check out your awesome new digs?”
“Perhaps later; I would like to relax a little,” Sombra said politely.
“Well you won’t find it here. These guys are animals on their time off. C’mon, at least let’s find some place quiet for ya.”
“...Oh, alright,” Sombra complied, joining Bowser in leaving the festivities for another section of the castle. They entered into a large central room that sported an impressive staircase of polished black stone, and as the two ascended them to the upper floors, Bowser resumed talking.
“Does everything look good to you so far?”
“Considering I’ve only seen the outside and the entryway there wasn’t much to judge. But based solely on those two things, it is a vast improvement to the original.”
“I know, right? This place is about as spiffy as one of my newer towers. And since you’ve mostly been living in one the past week or so, then you’ll fit right in.”
“Ohhh yes, because I’ve grown soooo attached to your dingy fortress, how could I ever adjust if it were not so?”
“Haha, same sarcastic uptight big shot as before. It’s already working!”
Sombra only shook his head as they made it to the top floor. Passing some rather tasteful Sombra statues, paintings and some swinging pendulum traps primed to release, Bowser stopped before an ornate wooden door with a crystal set atop it.
“I put in specifications to put these little crystal doodads on all the important doors in the place,” he explained. “When you get the time, you could give them that one fear spell you tried pulling on me. And since no one’s as fearless as me, then it’ll be the most foolproof security measure possible. Right now, though, they’re just for show”
“A surprising feat of foresight on your part.”
“Heheheh, I totally got your bases covered.” Bowser reached for the knob and turned it open. Inside was a spacious bedroom with a high ceiling, furnished with fanciful plush rug, boudoir, fireplace, and a massive regal canvas bed, as well as a large bay window that led out onto a balcony. Sombra moved over to the bed while looking the room over in its entirety, whilst Bowser stomped over to the fireplace.
“I thought you would be taking me to the throne room,” Sombra said.
“You wanted to relax, so I brought you to the most relaxing room of all. Also, if you wanted, you could go to the throne room from here.” Once by the fireplace, Bowser punched a hidden switch by the mantel, causing a click and retraction of the metal grating along with the pulling back of the back section within.
“Is that... a secret passage?” Sombra asked, barely able to hide the sound of delight in his voice.
“Peach had a secret passage that connected her bedroom with another bedroom, and I thought I’d do the same with mine, except make it more practical by having it go to the throne room. And guess what: I had the same done for yours.”
“Such a thoughtful gesture.” Sombra stood by his new bed and looked over the room again. “I must say, you’ve certainly spared yourself a horrible, painful retribution for your recent transgressions.”
“See? My word is totally good,” Bowser smiled while crossing his arms smugly. Meanwhile, Sombra lifted up his hooves to get himself onto the edge of the stately bed.
“Mmm, very comfortable,” he commented. “Care to sit down?”
“Huh? Okay, sure.” Bowser stomped over to the bed and planted his rump onto the covers next to Sombra, giving a test bounce before settling in. “Yup, a bed fit for a king, exactly as I specified.”
The two sat in silence for almost a minute, with Bowser kicking his legs and twiddling his thumbs.
“Glad you're liking everything,” he spoke up again. “I don’t do it often, but it feels nice to repay debts. Makes everyone all happy and squared away in the end. Don’t wanna be carrying about any kind of baggage or—” Without warning, Sombra wrapped his forelimbs around Bowser’s shoulders and rested his head on the brute’s chest. “Uhhh, what are you doing?”
“Just a thank you, for the other night,” Sombra replied softly. “Listening to my woes without making insult. It really helped put my mind in order.”
“Well, hey, what’s an excellent, considerate host for other than to make things swell for their guests?”
“You stayed with me in my melancholy, even went so far as to comfort me physically. I cannot properly express in words how much that meant to me.”
“Like I said, you looked like you were hurting, and that was the only thing I could think of. But hey, a hug for a hug, so we’re totally even. So, thanks.”
“And also for this wondrous castle.” Sombra looked up into Bowser’s eyes. “You could’ve simply rebuilt it as it originally was and I would have been satisfied with that.”
“Naaah, that’s not how I roll. If there’s one thing I’m good at, other than being totally rad and amazing, is building castles. Imagine what it’d do to my reputation if workers under my name built a ramshackle fortress. I tell ya, there’d be a lot more upstarts gunning for my villainy billing if that hap—” A kiss on the cheek shut him up instantly, as his eyes and mouth widened in shock. “Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa, What !?”
Realizing what he just did, Sombra released Bowser and scrambled backwards in a panic. “Oh no what did I do no no I didn’t—” In the midst of his rapid talking he fell off the edge of the bed and hit the floor, but quickly stood up rigid, looking at Bowser in desperate dismay for his actions. “I-I-It was an impulse! A-A-A-And, that’s exactly what it was, an impulse!”
“What sorta weird impulse was that?” Bowser asked, remaining on the bed in sheer dumbfoundedness. Sombra’s eyes darted around the room as he gritted his teeth.
“W-Well, the thing is, ummm...” Sombra’s voice began to ease down as he looked to the floor, rubbing his legs nervously in shame. “Can’t believe I’m saying this, but I might as well. That night, when you listened to me and comforted me, you showed a gentler side that seemed rather... desirable.”
“Desirable? Am I hearing you right? Or am I hallucinating?”
“Look, it’s as confusing to me as well,” the stallion admitted, still looking flustered. “Up until recently I considered you as nothing but a hulking destructive idiot who was able to scare himself up an empire, but the past week or so I’ve seen first-hoof the sort of capable leader you are, one who could easily maintain rule for the decades you claimed to have been in such a position. What’s more, you showed a hospitality that utterly defied my perception of you as an intolerably selfish child. Then after that night in your study, I began having thoughts. Ideas, about us having a connection, on a... ‘deeper’ level. A more... intimate level.”
“...You’re serious.”
“I said I had been alone for a long time, and embarrassing as it is to say, you have been the only companion I’ve known who I could consider an equal. As someone who would understand me as something other than a ruthless dictator, a monster. Perhaps it was the shock of being made whole again, or the means of transitioning here altering my emotions, but deep down I wanted someone to guide me in this unusual realm. Our rivalry proved to be the thing to get my mind focused, to get my bearings, make a fresh start. Through twisted means I found a friend in you, Bowser. And only a few days ago... something more.”
“But, you never struck me as that kind of guy. Don’t you like girls?”
Sombra made a shy smile. “A curious thing about my species: we can commit ourselves to either sex quite easily.”
“Wow. Never thought horses were that way...” Bowser looked to the floor in thought, as Sombra gave a sigh before turning away.
“But you clearly hadn’t considered such things... Never had them in mind to begin with. Which... is perfectly alright.” Sombra made a few steps in silence, to further himself from the koopa. Assuming his serious tone, he continued. “I’m sorry you had to hear all that. You’ve done more than I had wanted you to do, and I shouldn’t have made you uncomfortable. Go back to your men and celebrate; I’ll just remain here for the evening. You all can see yourselves out whenever it's most convenient for you.”
“NOW just hold it there!” Bowser yelled, springing from the bed and thudding onto the floor to face Sombra. “You go tell me all your sappy feelings about me and then you tell me to forget about it, like it’s no big deal?”
“Because it isn’t a big deal,” Sombra replied stoically. “It’s not even any size of deal for that matter.”
“Like heck it isn’t! It’s obviously a big deal to you!”
“And if it is, what does it matter to you? It’s none of your concern.”
“Oh no you don’t; it’s faaar too late to be pulling the ice-cold act! After having you live under my roof, which more or less makes you a buddy, and hearing you pour your heart out all over my study, your problems are my problems. That’s how it is, bub!” Bowser stomped the floor hard, shaking the room. Sombra stood silent for a few moments.
“Even if I don’t hide my feelings, what good will it do?” Sombra asked, his stoic tone breaking away. “They would be unrequited, and that would only invite hurt, which is an inconvenience I’d rather not deal with.”
“Hornswoggle!” Bowser swore. “There you go talking like a pesky know-it-all. You say I didn’t consider us being extra close and junk. But think of how spiteful that’d be if I actually did have feelings about it!”
Sombra’s attention, and particularly his head and ears, shot up in surprise. Bowser, on the other hand, eased out of his outraged stance to adopt a more embarrassed look.
“Uh, not that I did before, but what makes you think I can’t have them? Are they all-inclusive to snooty, fancy-dressed unicorns?”
“I know it wouldn’t occur to you.” Sombra about-faced to look straight at Bowser. “Chasing after that princess all the time, hurting those who get between you and her. It’s crystal clear what orientation you fall under.”
“Hey, I only go after her cuz it’s become more a time-honored routine nowadays. It’s like a tradition; it doesn’t really mean anything. Well, except that one time we got married. It was a sham, yeah, but still pretty freakin’ sweet.” Sombra looked unconvinced. “B-but those, uh, other feelings never crossed my mind cuz I never really thought about it. Heck, given my luck over the years with Peach, why shouldn’t it be an option?”
“...But then you would just be forcing it upon yourself,” Sombra said, lowering his head.
“We don’t know that unless I tried it out.” Bowser stomped over to Sombra, stopping before him to put a claw on his mane. “Listen, I know it came right outta nowhere, but I can tell it’s your true feelings, just like before. You were aggravating at first, but I’ve come to see that you’re a really cool guy, and it seriously bums me out seeing you all sad and depressed. So if being with me makes you happy, then I’m game.”
“You didn’t seem to like that display of affection too well,” Sombra mumbled bitterly, making his head lower in an attempt to escape Bowser’s touch.
“Yeah that came off pretty mean, but it was mainly shock and not me being grossed out. Admittedly I kissed a dude this one time and it wasn’t pleasant, but that was mostly because he had a scraggly beardstache and he wasn’t who I was going for, but anyway!” Bowser tenderly moved his claw from Sombra’s mane to under his chin, bringing the the unicorn’s head up gently so their eyes could meet. “I say we give it a shot, for your sake. Just to see if you actually have a reason to be mopey.”
Sombra averted his gaze momentarily, but slowly looked back into the earnest eyes of the koopa king. “...Are you certain, that you would want to do this?”
“Positive,” Bowser said gently. “I wouldn’t want to leave you bummed out if I can help it.”
A silence from Sombra, followed by an exasperated sigh. “That’s one other thing I find attractive: your unerring persistence in getting matters resolved.”
“I wouldn’t be Bowser if I didn’t get things done, bwahaha!” Bowser backed away to give Sombra some room. “So, how do ya wanna do this?”
“Well, I’m not entirely sure, given that I’ve only accepted these feelings just a short time ago. Perhaps we could just talk, and maybe later go to someplace private, share a meal, so on and so forth.”
“Like dating? Bah ! This ain’t some dopey romance novel. We’ve done plenty enough talking as far as I’m concerned, so why drag it out?”
“Then... what do you have in mind?” Sombra crooked his head curiously.
“Well, we got plenty of privacy where we are now, and there is a big ol’ bed.”
“Wait, are you really suggesting...?”
“I figure it’s the quickest way to be sure if there’s really anything to go on and not a lost cause as you were soooo ready to accept.”
“There’s more to it than just physical aspects!” A blush on the equestrian king’s face. “Besides, wouldn’t that be going absurdly fast?”
“More like straight to the point.” Bowser made a cocky grin. “And what can I say: I’m a koopa of action. But it can start out small, like a hug and stuff, and see if anything goes from there.”
“Yes, we could do that, and see what, if anything, progresses.” Sombra brought a hoof to his chin in thought, then put it down to look back at Bowser. “But what if someone saw us? We’re not entirely alone here, and they would surely get the wrong impression... if there were nothing between us.”
Bowser went up to Sombra and gave a reassuring pat on the head. “Don’t worry, I know how to fix that real easy.”
The party was in full swing back in the entrance hall, as goombas conga-lined and Boos flitted about with party favors and the one wiggler getting a little tipsy on his many feet. It was an atmosphere of good cheer and goodwill that was quickly shattered by the booming arrival of Bowser.
“Okay Slackers, Party's Over ! You did your work so get on back home, you’re no longer needed!”
“But Your Disruptiveness, can’t we wait until morning? We’re in no hurry, and it’s still night out,” one troopa spoke up.
“It’s always night out here, genius! Now scram, all of ya, before I start laying down the pain on your worthless shells! So get out, out out out out out Nooooooow !”
At his roar the congregation of construction workers cleared out through the main doors and fled into the night like the devil was on their heels, with a few Shy Guys tripping over for predictability’s sake. With the entire castle quiet and mostly empty, Bowser returned to Sombra’s room.
“Alright, no distractions or nosy minions to worry about.” He closed the door before looking to the bed. “Okay, so how bout we—”
Bowser stopped as his train of thought was interrupted by the sight of the stallion removing the last piece of his armor, which he placed neatly on a chair with the other parts as well as his cape.
“Whoa, hey there Black Beauty,” he jested. “Actually, more like Ash Grey Beauty, heheh. Looks like you were more eager for this then you let on.”
“I thought I may as well get comfortable, and I think armor would ruin the mood.” Sombra went up to the bed and got on it. “Shall we adjourn?”
“Heh, sure.” Bowser stomped over and planted himself onto the bed spread across from Sombra. Stallion and koopa looked to each other a few inches from one another’s face.
“So... just to see if anything progresses?” Sombra asked.
“Yup!”
Sombra looked to the side with a bit of uncertainty, but redirected his focus back to Bowser. “Now I’ve become all nervous. Your forwardness is making this all awkward and absurd.”
“I’m starting to get a bit nervous too, so you’re not alone. But it’s also kinda exciting.”
“Yes, that as well. Hmm, I guess we can begin with leaning in and...?”
“You’re the one leading, pal,” Bowser said with an assuring smile. Sombra took a breath.
“Alright, here it goes.” Sombra leaned forward slowly, delicately, as Bowser started doing the same. Lost in the scaly lummox’s eyes, and Bowser lost in Sombra’s green and red pupils, the two grew closer and closer, until...
The next... um, night, saw Sombra waking up from under the covers of his bed, his groomed mane a mess and wearing an over-sized spiked choker and bracelets.
“Well, that escalated quickly.”
Under the covers next to him, Bowser sat up, Sombra’s cape over his eyes as an impromptu blindfold and also wearing a sombrero for some reason.
“No kidding,” the koopa agreed, as he lifted his arms to undo the cape.
“I didn’t think it would go so far, to be honest. I expected discomfort and shame and regret, but everything just went by so well. A veritable whirlwind of passion.”
“It’s weird. Like, it just came naturally.” The koopa paused to take off the sombrero, gave it a surprised look, then tossed it away. “I’m like, speechless at how easily I got into it. Guess I’ve been barking up the wrong tree all these years.”
“You were pretty aggressive, I can say that much. But given what you are, that’s not the least bit surprising.”
“Kinda awkward with those legs of yours at first, but that magic really made things interesting. Gotta say, you were a real animal in the sack. Bwahahahaha !”
Sombra gave himself a facehoof. “Aren’t you a clever one...”
“Yessiree! I never thought I’d get to use that pun, wahahaha!”
Sombra rubbed down some of his mussy mane before looking to Bowser. “So, where does this leave us?”
Bowser tapped his chin contemplatively. “Hmm. For starters, I’ve come to an earth-shattering understanding of myself. And secondly, I’m sure this makes us an item.”
“Giving in to a committed relationship already, after just one night? Rather touching, but unquestionably rash.”
“Why shouldn’t it be so? We’re like, total soul mates. I didn’t go run off screaming, and it was really fun.”
“Hmph, now you make it sound like you were into it solely for physical gratification.”
Bowser leaned over and put an arm around his stallion. “Not at all. It’s a bonus, but it only proves that I’m totally okay with going the whole way. Since, y’know, we just went the whole way. But I’m also all about the moral support and junk like that.”
“Truthfully?”
“Totally, man.” Bowser gave a big peck on Sombra’s horn. “Villains gotta look out for each other, and especially villainous couples.”
“A couple. Ha, I never imagined I’d wind up in one, and especially not with the likes of you.” Sombra looked away as a new thought occurred to him. “Speaking of, what will your minions think? Are we going to keep this a secret?”
“Heck no ! We got nothing to hide: just plain, honest feelings that no one should laugh at. And if anyone does laugh, or objects, I’ll just send them to the gallows. I’ll even build a gallows to cater to the crime of mocking the love we have. Nope, no dancing around hiding from the world: this is how it’s going to be!”
Sombra snuggled up with his chubby hubby. “You really are something else. Though, it will be somewhat a hassle living in two separate castles, set apart by a great distance.”
“Oh right. That would make it a long-distance relationship in that case...” Bowser went silent, but an idea sparked him back to focus. “Orrrr, you could move in to my place, and we can make this into a vacation house-slash-castle. That way when we’re not doing evil scheming and villainy we can just fly out here for a weekend getaway.”
“That would work out splendidly,” Sombra approved as he lovingly moved a hoof over the scaly lord's chest in circles. “Though it wouldn’t be entirely fitting for an evil king like myself to sleep in the guest suite.”
“No problem, Sombra. I’ll just have my crew build a new royal bedroom just for you, and make it as big and nice as mine.”
“Why not share the one that’s already there?”
“Oh. Yeah, that’d work better, and make more sense.” Bowser took in a deep breath of satisfaction and looked ahead, lost in the moment. “Wow. Me in a relationship. I can hardly believe it.”
“So can I.” Sombra snuggled more into the bulk of his red-headed partner, further affirming the reality of his desires made true. “...I love you.”
“I love you too, heh, ‘darling’.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Then how bout snookums?”
“No.”
“Sexy stallion?”
“Please don’t ruin the moment.”
“Alright.”
Bowser rested his head atop of Sombra’s, and for a good while, they remained there, silent, basking in one another’s presence, at one with their conjoined happiness.
“So, what do you want for breakfast?”
“You’re hopeless...”
Brusque & Brooding
Several Months Later
The air was especially festive in Toad Town. Under and over the fluffy blanket made by the previous night’s snowstorm, the citizens milled about shopping, sharing cocoa, singing carols, hanging up decorations, building Snow Toads, and having snowball fights, a smile on each and every one of their faces. The season for goodwill toward men was very much in motion, but something was amiss on the outskirts of town. Near a pair of Toads who were shoveling snow from the road, a black speck appeared within the powder, defiling its white purity. The speck grew larger as one of the Toads turned around and spotted it. As he alerted his partner, the black spot kept growing and pulsating, before splitting into two dark streaks that ran along the ground and encircled the town.
Before any of the shovelers could give it a look, the streak erupted into a billowing wall of shadow. Startled by the wall of darkness before them, the Toads were overcome by horror when something stepped out from the shadows: koopa troopas, dark blue and wearing sinister armor, all with hateful red eyes. The Toads fled into town, where the other citizens ran around crying at the appearance of the invaders. But as panic overtook them all, one individual pointed to the sky as the color drained from his face, for a fleet of airships appeared in enough numbers to block out the morning sunlight. The terrible warships hovered over the besieged town, dropping off goombas and bob-ombs on parachutes to aid in the pillaging that was being done by the shadow soldiers. A distant booming rang out, and shortly after, cannon fire flew over the town in the direction of the royal palace, no doubt to lay waste to its fortifications.
Among the dread airships and over the artillery shots, the Koopa Klown Kopter whirred over the chaos of the town below, its two occupants enjoying the sight of ruination that unfolded.
“Gwuhahahaha ! Run all you want, there’s no escaping the all-consuming wrath of Bowser !” the koopa king bellowed with delight.
“Tremble at the might of shadow and fire, you lowly worms!” cried Sombra, his cape flapping in the wind. “Wither as you see all you have ever loved be destroyed before your very eyes!”
“Hahahaha! Oh man, this is going Awesomely ! Not even five minutes and most of the town is on fire. A new record!”
“With supreme military precision and firepower, the sky is truly the limit.”
“You said it, partner!” Bowser and Sombra pulled their heads from over the sides of the copter to look at each other. “To see it going off without a hitch like this, it’s a thing of beauty!”
“Months of intense planning tends to do that,” Sombra remarked matter-of-factly.
“But throwing in those shadow portals at the last second? Man, such a nice touch, and sooo effective! And we’re heading straight for the heart of it all.” Bowser turned to look over the copter edge. “I couldn’t have done this without you, Sombra. This is, without a doubt, the best present ever!”
“A present for both of us, Bowser.” Sombra leaned over and snuggled up with the rugged tyrant. “Though it’ll never be the sweetest.”
“Hey, why you getting mushy all of a sudden? We’re in the middle of a warzone, y’know.”
“I know, it’s just... it actually means something, sharing this moment with you. That I might not even have lived long enough to experience this, if you weren’t there when I arrived.”
“Oh don’t go getting all morose for no reason, ya knucklehead. This is our finest hour and dang it, we’re gonna live it up! So smile: there’s nothing for you, or us, to fear.”
“Yes, you’re absolutely right. I’m sorry, Turtledove.”
Bowser wrapped an arm around his unicorn precious and smiled. “It’s alright, Snugglemuffins.” Sombra shifted as he spotted something.
“Look, there’s a mother and child trying to flee.”
“On it!” Bowser reached behind him and held a bob-omb high as he took aim. “Season’s Boomings, you two!” With a strong throw he sent the bob-omb downward, causing the pleasing mix of detonation and screams to rise up to his ears. That done, Bowser pushed the throttle of the copter and sped off to Peach’s Castle, which was halfway destroyed from constant bombardment. Despite the danger, the castle’s eponymous princess was on the forward balcony, watching her kingdom burn. With a gleeful smile Bowser brought the copter down to her level, making her jump with a fretful cry.
“Bwahahaha! It’s been awhile, Peach. Enjoying the view of your greatest defeat, aka my greatest victory?”
“How... how could you do this, Bowser?” Peach asked, quivering in despair. “This is the most appalling, terrible thing you’ve ever done. So much devastation... Also, who’s that with you?”
“Oh, you mean King Sombra? He’s my sexy soulmate. Yeah, you heard me: you and me are through. Someone more deserving and loving than you has come into my life, and the complete destruction of your precious kingdom will end whatever we might have had. Sorry babe, I just don’t need you anymore.”
“...Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?”
The sound of jumping and bopping turned Bowser’s and Sombra’s attention from Peach’s twitching face to the castle courtyard below. Two familiar patches of red, green and blue had made it past a line of heavy troopers and were running headlong for the castle entrance. Bowser looked to his partner with a devilish smile before bringing the copter down. At about fifteen feet over the ground, Bowser and Sombra leapt dramatically from their ride and landed right in the path of the dashing plumbers. The brothers halted (or in Luigi’s case, stumbled to a halt) and stared down the lords of destruction. As Mario and Luigi pulled out their hammers for battle, Bowser looked to Sombra.
“You ready, partner?”
“No objections here,” Sombra said, looking to Bowser with a firm grin. Bowser nodded, flexing his claws for mayhem.
“Time to dance, boys.”
With Toad Town burning and the sky clotted with flying machines of war, Bowser and Sombra charged at the coverall defenders, seeing nothing but delectable victory through the glow of their unshakable companionship. Truly, a new age of the Mushroom Kingdom had begun, and it was very smexy.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, ONE AND ALL,
AND HAPPY SHIPPING!
