FiMFriction

“I can’t believe you told them about our bet!”

The Royal Guards on duty flinched slightly at the sound of the Royal Canterlot Voice, fidgeting a bit and exchanging worried glances as they waited outside the royal bedchamber for their captain to finish his ‘private duties’ with the princess of love. Inside the chamber, Shining Armor rubbed the base of his ears delicately with small, circular motions that helped ease the excruciating sensation his eardrums had just endured. Princess Cadence sat at the edge of their bed, her hooves crossed in angry protest. Smiling through the pain, Shining Armor casually approached his wife and took her hooves with his, uncrossing them in the process.

“Hey now, it’s not that big of a deal. Applejack said so herself.”

“It is a big deal, Shining Amor,” She hissed, yanking her hooves out of his admittedly comforting grasp. “Do you know how embarrassing that was? Didn’t you see how uncomfortable they were when they found out we were betting on their personal lives? And you,” She yelled, jabbing him with a denouncing hoof, her temper peaking as she recollected the turning point in what could have been a delightful lunch. “Couldn’t even keep a straight face when you found out you won! As if that wasn’t bad enough, you just had to tell them why! Do you have any idea how a mare feels after somepony says something like that? No matter what they said, there was no way everypony at that table left feeling like they weren’t insulted.”

“T-that wasn’t my fault!” Shining Armor protested, his trembling hooves held up defensively despite every ounce of logic he had going against the idea of his wife physically striking him. “They were gonna ask me after Rainbow Dash called me out, so I thought that I may as well tell them!”

“Then you lie, sweetheart,” Cadence drawled with a groan, her face planted between her front hooves in shame of her husband’s completely direct approach to such a sensitive topic. She shook her head slowly before retracting her thin muzzle from the protective barrier of her appendages. Cadence rolled her eyes at her husband’s demeaner, a combination of surprise and confusion shown on his face that asked her for further explanation. “If a heavy mare asks you ‘Does this make me look fat?’ wha-”

“No!” He responded all too quickly, interrupting his wife. A look of understanding crept over his face. “Oh…”

“And when a mare asks you who the prettiest mare in the world is, you say,” She continued, nodding her head in Shining Armor’s direction for him to complete the statement. He grinned and slid next to her on the edge of the bed, his muzzle less than an inch from her ear.

“Princess Mi Amore Cadenza.”

Cadence flushed and shook her head, pushing her flirtatious husband away with an annoyed hoof. “No, I meant if any other mare asks you that question, what do you say?”

“Princess Mi Amore Cadenza,” He repeated, sidling back next to her. Shining Armor delivered a delicate kiss on her cheek, his lips never breaking contact as he moved up to her ear and delivered a breathy whisper. “My answer will never change to that question.”

Cadence closed her eyes and took a deep breath to clear her thoughts, her heart racing beneath her calm composure. She leaned her head against his shoulder and spoke in a firm voice. “We can’t. Not when your guards are right outside and certainly not in the middle of the day when there’s so much work to be done. It would be improper.” She opened her eyes and flashed him a sultry smile that suggested enough to set her husband’s cheeks aglow. Shining Armor hopped off the bed and trotted to the door, his years in the military showing through as he put on a flawless poker face. Opening the door, he addressed the guards professionally, his expression completely stoic and commanding.

“You are all dismissed from your posts; I will see to it that the princess is well protected. In fact, I order you all to use the rest of your day for proper rest and relaxation to recuperate from your efforts.”

“Yes sire,” One of the guards responded blankly, his militant expression juxtaposed heavily by his flushing cheeks, an obvious sign that their captain was anything but subtle with his intentions. Without another word, they all marched down the hallway in a perfect mechanical formation that never hesitated, even as the door slammed shut.

Cadence awoke slowly with a tired yawn, her frazzled hair matted over the bedspread, giving the white sheets a colorful coating. She opened her eyes groggily and smiled warmly as she met the glassy gaze of her beloved husband.

“You make the cutest sounds when you sleep,” He said while playing with a lock of her hair, the pink strands twirling around as he fiddled with his hoof. Cadence wriggled under the sheets towards him until she made complete contact, embracing her husband with her forelegs and resting her head on his sturdy chest. She sighed happily, completely content in her surroundings, but the disappointment she felt nagging at the back of her mind showed on her face and did not go unnoticed by her bedmate.

“What’s wrong?” Shining Armor asked as he placed a hoof under her chin, forcing her to make direct eye contact with him. Cadence bit her lip at her husband’s unwavering blue eyes that searched her with purpose, deep down knowing that she would tell him all of her troubles whether he asked or not. Submitting, she squeezed him tighter, as if the closer contact could alleviate the guilt she felt from her breaching such a personal and sensitive subject of somepony else’s life.

“I just… wish that they could have what we have.”

Shining Armor’s face flushed a deep shade of red and his face cringed in disgust, prompting Cadence to raise an eyebrow as she wondered how such a simple statement could provoke such a dramatic response from her levelheaded husband. She thought he certainly must have kept a straight face under worse conditions in the military. He stammered as he choked on his words.

“C-Cadence! I do not wanna think about Twily doing the things we do! Or her friends, for that matter; they’re barely out of their teen years!”

This time Cadence was the one who found herself flushing, her cheeks burning hotter with every mental image she created under the new context of her words.

“What?! Noooooo! No no no no! Not that!” She spat out, the words feeling vile with the naughty meaning they held. Recollecting herself, she considered her choice of words before saying anything to her husband to prevent another explanation for a possible misinterpretation. “I wish that they could know what it’s like… to be in love. To have a special somepony. To feel… complete.”

“Fat chance that’ll happen,” Shining Armor scoffed, his tone more harsh than he had intended due to his already extensive analysis of the six mares’ personal lives. He knew nopony was perfect and that a special somepony was always out there for anypony, but Twilight and her friends all seemed to have striking obstacles that stood in the way of a serious relationship, whether it was business or their own personality. Cadence drew back from their embrace, obviously taken aback by his cynical outburst about whom she considered six very lovely and eligible mares.

“Fat chance? I’ll bet you they’ll have dates in time for our Hearts and Hooves Gala.”

“Was that a bet I just heard?” Shining Armor asked, drawing his nose to hers as he used his physical size to playfully intimidate his wife. Cadence didn’t budge. She pressed her nose harder against his and gave him a cheeky grin that he would never admit affected his heart rate to reach critical speeds.

“Yeah, it was. I bet I can get them all dates in time for the Gala. What do you say to that, honey?”

“And I say you can’t even get half of them dates. If three of them show up with proper dates, I’ll give you back the money you lost from the last bet and do that… thing you’ve always wanted me to do with you.”

Cadence felt her heart pound at the chance to win her special prize, but the smarmy grin Shining Armor wore pushed these thoughts into the back of her mind as she considered what he would want in exchange for his potential victory. She shuddered, taking a deep breath to face the reality of the situation.

“You want me to do… that, don’t you?”

He nodded quickly, confirming her suspicions and bringing the princess of love into serious reconsideration about her proposal. On one hoof, she could help six lovely young mares explore a new and exciting part of their lives with a special somepony at their side, and win herself the best day of her life on top of that. On the other hoof, Shining Armor may have made a valid point and they really could be at points in their lives where dating simply didn’t take priority. They may not want romance and her assistance would only be an inconvenience to them. Cadence finally considered the repercussions of what she would have to do for her husband if she lost. She tried to swallow the dry lump in her throat as she imagined herself stooping so low to perform an action such as… that. It was so dirty, so improper, so beneath royalty that should anypony find out, she may never be viewed by all of Equestria in the same light. And yet, she could feel the intoxicating pleasure of adrenaline pumping through her veins at the mere prospect of doing something so completely and utterly vulgar by royal standards. She grinned at her husband with full determination.

“Bring it on.”

“They’re all just fake anyways.”

Magazines upon magazines littered the smooth surface of the elegant cloud home’s flooring, evidence to some very uncharacteristic research done by the house’s single inhabitant. Rainbow Dash sat with a springtime ensemble magazine in her hooves and her back propped against the headboard of her bed, a soft pillow cushioning herself from the hard oak. She tossed another of the several magazines onto the soft ground, her thoughts in turmoil with her usual radiating confidence and bravado.

What do they got that I don’t got? She thought bitterly, looking at each of the models with a burning glare as if she could intimidate the static images into submitting under her dominant behavior. Her gaze softened and took on a state of gloom as she let the cold truth sink in. Everything.

Dash flopped belly down onto her covers with a groan, hoping to hide her face and her shame in the safety of the bedspread’s silky embrace. She’d never admit it to her friends- heck, she had a hard enough time admitting it to herself, but Shining Armor’s confrontation about her eligibility, or rather lack of it, had struck a chord in the deepest recesses of her insecurities. She knew what he was thinking, even if he never expressed his thoughts vocally. Rainbow Dash had heard it all before, whether it was from Rarity or the local town gossip chain, though the two often formed the same informational source. She was ‘uncouth’, ‘boorish’, ‘rough’, but undoubtedly ‘awesome’. Dash knew she wasn’t ugly- or at least, she hoped she wasn’t. If Rarity’s ramblings about wasting her true aesthetic potential were anything to go by, she could be very pretty if she actually spent any time investing into her outward appearance. Rainbow Dash snorted indignantly at the idea. She wasn’t some frou-frou filly who flittered hours away trying to get every hair in her mane into order; her stunt flying would ruin it all anyways. Besides, wasn’t the whole point of falling in love to care about the pony under the appearance?

Love. Now that was an idea that really shook Rainbow Dash to the core. Romance did strange things to ponies. How would it affect her? She refused to become the blubbering mess often portrayed in every stereotypical love story, but everypony longs in some way to have companionship. Dash certainly never advertised her interest in the opposite sex, but that didn’t mean she dismissed the idea of a romantic relationship with a special stallion. The gossip chain kept her well informed about the public’s guesses on her… preferences, but she had always ignored it all in favor of seeking their approval over her flight skills. Rainbow Dash was a pony with priorities, and getting full admission into the Wonderbolts was top on her list. Such a busy and radical lifestyle simply wouldn’t allow her time for romance, right?

“Right,” She agreed with herself with an angry grunt, humiliated at her own emotional turmoil. Rainbow Dash flopped over onto her back, staring at the ceiling with an expressionless gaze. Why did she care about all this now of all times? It certainly wasn’t the first time a stallion had alluded to her messy appearance. Thunderlane’s dark coat hid bruises that had testified to some empty-headed remarks made during a very secretive and remarkably short-lived date with the winner of the Best Young Fliers competition. Rainbow Dash grabbed a lock of her mane and examined it with wavering eyes, feeling a slight twinge of embarrassment as she really realized for the first time how raggedy and messy it was. Rarity and Fluttershy, whether the latter would admit it or not, possessed two of the most beautiful and well-kept manes in Ponyville and were often the prospects of many a stallion's fantasies. Applejack definitely wasn’t the most hygienic of ponies, but it wasn’t always possible or practical to keep clean on a farm, and her mane was certainly not as tattered as Rainbow Dash’s was. She kept it tightly packed and well-managed, reflective of her skills for running the apple orchard she loved so much. Pinkie Pie’s poof of a mane and Twilight’s straight-edge cut weren’t exactly what Dash considered stylish or ‘cool’, but they matched the personalities of their respective owners and said a lot about the two ponies before either of them got a chance to run their mouths. What did her mane say about her? That she was sloppy? That she didn’t care? The notion that Rarity may have been right the entire time brought a small chill to the young athlete’s body.

Her eyes slowly shifted over to glance at her hooves, their chipped and dirty appearance evidence towards her ferocious rejection of anypony else touching them. She flared her nostrils and snorted disdainfully, shaking her head to clear it from any more doubts. Hopping off the bed with a graceful flip, Dash felt a small surge of satisfaction as she stuck her landing, her wings tucked in the entire time. Her moment of pride was short-lived, as she couldn’t help but relive her confrontation with Shining Armor yet again. Frowning sharply, she trudged along to the kitchen to fuel up before her self-scheduled flying practice, mumbling the whole way.

“I’ll show him- everypony who’s ‘undatable’ when I show up at the Gala with a special somepony of my own!”