6 Setting up shop

"Come on, sunshine! Knees higher! Higher!" Shouted Soldier at Spike, who was jogging just ahead of him. The pair were traveling down one of the few muddy paths that went through the Everfree forest, flanked on either side by the tall, intimidating trees.

"So, where exactly are we going sir, if not to Ponyville?" Asked Spike between labored breaths. He definatley was not used to this much exercise in one go.

"Why on earth would we need to go into town? To get a some cakes and muffins?" said Soldier sarcastically.

Spike licked his lips, not picking up on Soldier's undertone. "Oh yeah, that sounds good."

Completely unannounced, Soldier grabbed Spike by the scruff of his neck and lifted him off of his feet, the dragon's legs still moving. He swiveled him around so that he could stare into his eyes.

"Do you want to be a Soldier, private?" He asked menacingly.

"Yes, yes sir!" Gulped Spike, a strange mixture of fear and confusion running though his mind.

"This is not a tea party, private! This is war!" Screamed Soldier, spittle flying out of his mouth and onto Spike's face. He dropped the dragon to the floor with a thump.

"You're going to have to learn private Spike, the easy or the hard way, that Soldier's do not need cakes! They do not need crisps! And they do certainly not need muffins! Those are luxuries private, and we can not afford luxuries at the moment!"

The Soldier reached into his pocket and pulled out a thick, stubby, dirty looking stick. He waved it in Spike's face.

"You see this private? This is my last stogie! Wrapped in old band aids, it is made of gravel, horse manure, human hair and taco seasoning."

"Eww." Grimaced Spike.

"Do you know what happens when I use this thing up? It. Gets. Used. Up. Private, that's what! I doubt there is another decent cigar within a hundred miles of this place!" He prodded the cigar against Spike's snout.

"With all due respect sir, tobacco has been scientifically linked to respiratory illnesses." said Spike.

"And with all due respect, private twinkletoes, cakes and muffins have been scientifically linked to making you into a good-for-nothing fatass! The point is private, is that this is my luxury, and it is nearly all gone!" Screamed Soldier.

"Does that mean I can have one muffin?"

"NO! I am the commanding officer here, so that means I get more than you anyway! Now, errr, give me 20 pull ups off that branch!" Said Soldier.

"But how- whoa!" Said Spike as Soldier lifted him up to the branch. Not wanting to be dropped on the floor again, Spike instantly grabbed hold of the branch.

"Up! Down! Up! Down! We haven't got all day private!"

Spike pulled his head towards the branch, sweat pouring down his head. He felt as if his arms were going to snap under the strain. After pulling himself up and down ten times, he noticed that Soldier, having lost interest long ago, had continued to walk down the path, leaving Spike hanging.

"Hey! You cant just leave me here!"

"Quit whining private and swing!"

"But-"

"Swing!"

Spike began to swing his legs back and forth, building up motion as he prepared to jump to the next branch. His eyes locked onto it, his mind making crude calculations on whether he could make it. He reckoned he could. Spike swung forward and let go of the branch.

*Thump*

Turns out he couldn't.

Spike pulled himself out of the mud and ran to catch up with Soldier, who had succumbed to smoking his cigar.

"If I had a dollar for every time you landed on your ass today I'd be a rich man, private." He mumbled.

"Yes sir." Moaned Spike. Soldier was right. It was really beginning to get sore now.

"Ah ha!" Said Soldier suddenly. "Here we are!"

Before them was a clearing in the forest, a little larger than the one they had met in, at least several acres. In the center of the clearing was an old derelict cottage, which had obviously been abandoned long ago. Next to the entrance was an old signpost, the original sign itself resting at its base. Spike squinted as he tried to make out the faded writing.

Welcome to Su

"Welcome to Su? If only the rest of the sign hadn't been snapped off!"

Soldier however didn't notice Spike's problem, rubbing his hands together with glee.

"Perfect!"

"Um excuse me sir," Said Spike.

"Yes private?" Said Soldier as he surveyed the land before him.

"How did you know this would be here? I mean, I've never heard of it, and I pretty much live right next to the Everfree forest!"

Soldier waved his hand dismissively. "I didn't." He began to jog down the muddy old path that led up to the abandoned dwelling. "Come on private!"

Spike shook his head. They could have been wondering around in the Everfree for days if this clearing hadn't happened to have been at the side of the path. Spike had serious worries about this guys mental health. He jogged over to the Soldier, who was examining the cottage door.

Also, there was something not quite right about this place. It seemed a little too idilic, especially for the Everfree forest.

"This place must've been abandoned years ago." Observed Spike. Soldier grunted in agreement as he ran his finger along the frame. He tried the handle.

"It's locked." He said, taking a single pace backwards. He cracked his knuckles and looked at Spike.

"Stand back son."

Soldier raised his boot and slammed it against the door, splintering it into little pieces. Pushing the little remains that were still attached to the handle aside, he stepped into the cottage, Spike following tentatively.

Every surface in the cottage was covered in a thick layer of dust. It was apparent it had been abandoned for a very long time, as mould had gotten to the wood and moisture collected in puddles all over the floor. Most of the walls were covered in a peeling yellow wallpaper, patterned with an image of a playing filly. Spike heard the sound of cupboards being forced opened in the kitchen.

"The spoils of war!"

Spike shook his head and wandered into the living room of the cottage. The air was thicker here, and smelt of heavy smoke. Spike coughed. He could still hear Soldier rummaging around in the kitchen. The room itself was relatively featureless. There were no windows , a fireplace at the far end of the room, and two benches facing said fireplace.

"I guess it gets pretty cold out here." said Spike.

The ceiling and the wall in which the fireplace was installed was burned a deep black colour, suggesting that there had been a fire here. Ash littered the room. Spike noticed a shiny piece of glass laying half buried in the ash.

Hey, what's this?

Spike bent over to examine it more closely. It was a magnifying glass, its lens cracked, and its casing warped by heat. Spike took a deep breath and blew, to try and clear some of the thick layer of ash away from the ground to see if he could find anything else. He did.

The burnt skeleton of a young pony.

"Gahhh!" cried Spike, jumping backwards.

"What is it now, private?" Grunted Solider, his arms warped around a huge collection of tinned food, some of it dropping to the floor as he stumbled along.

"It's a d-dead body!" Quivered Spike. Of course he had seen skeletons before, but never anything too recent or up close, usually just diagrams from Twilight's books, of ponies that had lived thousands of years ago, much too distant from the present for Spike to feel anything from. But this... there had only been one documented death (other than old age) in Ponyville and the surrounding area for at least a decade from what the police station records show, and even then it had been more of a missing pony case.

Soldier whistled. "Burnt to a crisp! Pyro would be proud. C'mon private, you'll be seeing a lot more of those if you're serious about being a proper soldier, and if your anything like me, most of them will have been made by you! Though, that aint too likely with a stomach like that."

"Hey, I can handle it!"

"Good to hear private, now come out here and help me with these provisions!" said Soldier, stepping outside. Spike followed. Would he really be able to kill somepony else if he needed to? Nah, it probably wouldn't come to that, unless this guy really was hellbent on conquering Equestria, which Spike doubted. Besides, he was only really doing it to prove that he could be a hero, and maybe impress Rarity.

Oh, Rarity. I bet she would be very impressed with him. He could see it now, marching down the streets of Ponyville in his immaculate uniform, a lance in one claw, the severed head of a ferocious dragon in another, his loyal troops (he was sure Jane would promote him eventually) marching behind him, the citizens of Ponyville cheering him.

Spike! Spike! Spike!

And Rarity would be standing in front of him, fluttering her...

The vision was ruined by a can of tomato soup landing on Spike's head. Soldier looked around him, a few more cans falling to the floor every time he moved.

"Uhhh..."

Soldier wasn't really the best known for thinking things through.

"Wait here." He said and ran back inside. After much clanging he emerged again, with a bucket of pink paint in one hand, and an old hairbrush in the other.

"Private! You stand before the first bastion of the United States of Soldier, Fort Victory!" cried soldier passionately. "From now on, this will be our main base of operations, from where we will plan our conquest of this pathetic nation! Now, fetch me a step ladder!"

"Pink? was that the best color you could find? You really do like girly stuff, don't you General Jane Doe?" Smirked Spike.

"Private?"

"Yes?"

"Do you value your reproductive organs?"

"Sorry sir."

Rarity sat at her sewing machine in the center of the Carousel Boutique, the interior looking even more chaotically organized than normal. Her shimmering blue eyes were set firmly on the piece of fabric in front of her, and she didn't even so much as take her eyes off it to blink. She was working on a new dress for Twilight, and it was important that she got it right to the last detail. She always took any work regarding her friends very seriously.

"Rarity!"

"Gah!"

Rarity swung round quickly, grabbing a large piece of material and throwing it over the sewing machine and the incomplete dress.

"Twilight! How nice to see you!" She said, grinning awkwardly.

"Rarity?" Said Twilight, looking around the room in dismay. "Have you seen Spike?"

"Spike? Noo..." said Rarity. "Why, have you lost him again?"

"He's not some kind of dog, Rarity! I just thought he might be in here helping you." Said Twilight, walking round the room and scanning for any sign that the dragon might be hiding like a searchlight. "You see, I told him he could go out for the day having finished his chores, but he hasn't come home. I mean, usually he just comes back after half an hour because he cant think of anything to do!"

"I'm afraid I haven't seen Spike all day" said Rarity.

There was a rustling from the other-side of the room beneath some sheets of fabric.

"Spike?" Said Twilight quietly. She slowly edged towards the rustling piece of fabric.

'Oh no.' Thought Rarity. "Um, Twilight he really isn't here, I swear! perhaps you'd be better off asking Rainbow Dash where he is. You know how he's been recently with this whole ridiculous 'hero' thing."

"Just a minute, Rarity" Said Twilight, stalking towards the piece of fabric like a predator, her eyes narrowing.

"Gotcha!" She said as she leapt onto the fabric. Rarity couldn't watch. Her surprise dress ruined for sure!

"Yeaowch!"

"Rearwl!"

Twilight stumbled back in pain, the large, fluffy form of Opal clinging on to the end of her face with her vicious claws. Twilight used her magic to grab Opal by the scruff and fling her out a nearby open window. Rarity sighed loudly in relief.

"Meow!"

"Well, that's the mystery of the rustling fabric sheet cleared up!" Said Rarity. Normally she'd be worrying about the health of her beloved cat, but all she could feel was relief that Twilight hadn't discovered her surprise dress. She'd attend to Opal later.

"If I see Spike you'll be the first to know, darling!" Said Rarity, careful not to push her good luck. She used her Telekinesis to shove Twilight towards the door.

"But!" Protested Twilight.

"Ok! Thank you! Ta ta darling!" Said Rarity as Twilight was promptly thrown out the door of the Carousel Boutique and the door slammed behind her.