A Hundred Horrible Deaths for Rainbow Dash

Number 1

It should come as no surprise that Pinkie Pie loved all of her friends dearly. But, as is the way of all females, there was more than a fair share of bullshit that made her squirm in secret whenever she spent time with them. The smiles and the bounciness were all very real, but so was the pressure rolling its fingers across her heart. So what is her bullshit? Jealousy? Loneliness? Something so petty as to reduce your IQ at the mere mention?

Worse: it’s love.

For Rainbow Dash.

Pinkie was a total lesbian. This ought to surprise you, but somehow, I don’t think it really does.

“You’re what?” Twilight Sparkle burst.

“I’m stuck, that’s what!” Pinkie leaped in response.

Twilight laid her book down and continued to stare at her friend. She had this huge, “what the fucking fuck,” look going on while Pinkie was jittering on her floor.

“I don’t think I understand….”

Pinkie started jittering even more, looking around crazily with flaming hot blush on her cheeks. “Well—uh…have you ever—uh…I just don’t know if—hmm….”

Twilight watched her struggle to answer. Pinkie tapped on her noggin a good couple of times, swinging it too. Twilight lifted her book back to her face, expecting this to last for a good while. Then Pinkie’s face was suddenly all up in hers.

“Shrink me, Twilight!”

Twilight gently nudged her away from her face. “Shrink you?”

Pinkie nodded eagerly. “You can do that, cant’cha? Cant’cha?”

“Sure, but—,”

“Pleeeeeeease?”

She made her case with the most convincing pair of puppy dog eyes and backed it up with a pout to make a wimp like Twilight Sparkle finally relent. “Okay!”

Twilight stood up, filled her horn with a magical glow, and fired it at Pinkie. The purple light consumed her, and very soon the glow contracted, forcing Pinkie Pie to contract with it. The light winked out, and Pinkie appeared to be gone completely.

“Pinkie!” Twilight pulled out a magnifying glass and started searching along the floor. She stopped the glass on top of the itty-bitty Pinkie waving up at her.

“Thanks, Twilight!” She shouted in a tiny yet still audible volume.

“No problem,” said Twilight. “Is this it?”

“Actually, I’d appreciate it if you took me to see Rainbow Dash.”

Twilight tilted her head quizzically. “Um, okay.”

Tiny Pinkie climbed onto Twilight’s horn and let her friend take her to her secret crush. Her heart was all aflutter just thinking about what she was going to do. There was no telling what she would find out in this experience. She was actually a little scared.

Before she knew it, Rainbow Dash came into sight. She was in her usual spot, just napping on that big tree branch on the far side of town. Pinkie’s heart burned just at the sight of her. She was so fucking beautiful.

Then Twilight shouted, “Rainbow Da—“

“No, Twilight!” Pinkie squeaked. “Don’t wake her. I just need you to toss me up next to her.”

“What? Pinkie, what exactly are you doing?”

“Come on! I can’t put this off any longer!”

“Fine, fine.”

Twilight flipped her head upwards, sending Pinkie flying from her horn and square onto the branch where her beloved Rainbow Dash slept.

“This is it, Pinkie,” she said to herself. “It’s time for some soul searching!”

She had landed beside the pegasus’ stomach, so she hopped on top of her and scrambled over to her face. She had many different passages through which to enter the pony. Pinkie chose the left nostril. I don’t know why; don’t fucking ask me.

“Okay!” cheered Pinkie as she was deep within Rainbow’s nose. “Now which way to the heart?”

The heart was her goal, of course. You see, all that Pinkie wanted to do was to confess her lesbian love to Rainbow Dash, for Rainbow Dash to confess her love likewise, they kiss, maybe fuck, and all that silly shit. But, as you can imagine, Pinkie was frightened at the idea that she would be rejected. To prevent that from happening, to make sure that she was ready to love her back, Pinkie realized that she needed to discover what was really in Dashie’s heart. And, as you can clearly see, she meant that in the most literal way imaginable.

While Pinkie Pie was scuttling about in Rainbow Dash’s insides, the blue pegasus awoke from her nap. She gave her forelegs a big easy stretch and tossed her hind ones over the branch like it was her own bed. She noticed Twilight Sparkle down on the ground looking up at her. Rainbow Dash promptly waved. “’Sup, Twilight!” she greeted.

She leaped out of the tree and approached her friend in her typical easy-going, cocksure manner. A stark contrast to the apprehension that was noticeable in the way Twilight’s lips were twitching.

“Rainbow Dash,” Twilight spoke, “you didn’t happen to see Pinkie up there, did you?”

Rainbow took a quick look back behind herself. “Uh, no. I was sleeping.”

Twilight was immediately all up in her business, urgently inspecting her sides, her flanks, and even craning her neck under her belly. “Oh, oh, you didn’t crush her, did you?”

“Uh, how is that even possible?”

“Because I shrunk her and threw her up with you while you were sleeping!”

“You shrunk her?” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “Why would you do that?”

“She begged me to! Gosh!” Twilight finally pulled away and simply started bolting erratically between the tree and Rainbow Dash. Finally, she hung her head and made herself take a deep breath. “It’s okay,” she said. “The spell is temporary anyway.”

As soon as she said that, a purple glow burst over Rainbow Dash. She looked at herself in confusion. “Twilight, what’re you doing to me now?” she quipped.

Twilight covered her mouth, whispered a horrified, “Oh, no,” as tremors overtook her.

“Twilight, what’s hap—,”

Every part of Rainbow Dash’ face—eyes, mouth, nostrils—gaped in terrible proportions while a whimpering gasp came out of her. It wasn’t apparent immediately, but soon enough her body appeared to be expanding. Her torso inflated, yet the outlines of her rib cage were somehow pressing against the outside. But underneath her, it looked like something was rigorously pushing against her stomach, trying to escape. The expansion underneath her grew deeper and deeper until finally her flesh was ripped open, and a single pink leg slammed to the ground outside. Rainbow’s head reared back, mouth opening with an awfully desire to scream. But all that came out of was a breathless squeak.

Another leg tore through her belly soon afterwards, directly in front of the one that came before. Together, the legs tore open a significant flap of flesh underneath Rainbow Dash, causing heaps of muscle and shit to drop to the dirt while the rest of the intestinal tract simply dangled above it like sloppy spaghetti. When this happened, the final two legs were able wriggle their way out by swinging into the new opening and tearing the opening even wider.

Rainbow Dash still stood upright as a result, her head purple with suffocation as it thrashed about in silent agony. The thrashing stopped, however, when the base of her neck finally began to inflate. A huge, round object had materialized in her neck, causing her cervical vertebrae to slice through her skin and the flaps of cartilage under her throat to be stretched beyond their breaking point. Blood spurted from her neck as if it were a barrel of cider punctured beyond repair. The object in her neck continued to climb towards the obvious exit. There was nothing in Rainbow Dash’s physiology that was going to keep it from coming out. As it passed beyond her ruined throat, her jaw detached with ease, and the rest of her head was arched backwards to the point that her exposed vertebrae began to pop out like rubber bands. The object was in her mouth now. You could see it’s poofy pink mane flopping out of Rainbow’s hyper-extended lips. As it continued to push, the edges of her lips tore deeper and deeper across her cheeks.

When Rainbow’s cheeks were sliced open up to her ears, out popped Pinkie Pie’s head.

Pinkie had a sad look on her face. It was one that Twilight was familiar with. It was the look she had whenever she had problems with her friends or whenever she was frustrated with one of her silly dilemmas. It certainly wasn’t the look of someone who was now wearing their dead friend’s body like a jacket!

While Twilight stared on with teary-eyed, trembling horror, Pinkie Pie was staring at the ground with a distant, dream-shattered demeanor. “Oh, Twilight,” she moaned. “I don’t think Rainbow Dash loves me.”