A Hundred Horrible Deaths for Rainbow Dash

Number 5

It was a lovely winter’s day in Ponyville with clear skies and snow on the ground. Rainbow Dash, who was supposed to be gathering clouds up for some light snowfall, was instead standing on a street corner with her tongue stuck to a light pole.

“pu’r meh ou’, Fwuttahy!” she cried.

“Okay…. Uh….”

Fluttershy took Rainbow’s tongue between her hooves and began shaking it very, very lightly. The middle portion was the only thing moving, though. The tongue tip, the part that was actually stuck to the pole, wouldn’t budge an inch.

“Vat ‘re ya doin’?” Rainbow complained. “Dat’s no gun’ halp meh!”

“Rainbow Dash, I don’t want to rip out your tongue on accident,” said Fluttershy, increasing her rubbing just a tiny, tiny bit more.

“Don’t’cha go’ salt ‘re sumfin’?”

“Oh, I might back at the cottage. Or maybe Pinkie has some. I’ll be right back, Rainbow Dash.”

Fluttershy galloped off in another direction while Rainbow Dash stood there fuming. She did not want to wait. She only had a few minutes before she would be considered late for work. Her boss was getting pissed off enough with her lately. She wouldn’t dare risk an eighth consecutive late day.

She whipped her neck back, yanking hard on her tongue. It made the base of her tongue crackle with pain, but she was certain it wasn’t a big deal. She started walking backwards through the snow covered ground. Her tongue stretched out to a cartoonish length while she mounted more and more strain inside her mouth. But she wasn’t going to give in to the pain, especially when she could already feel her tongue tip budging a little.

Then, when her tongue was a good four feet long, her back leg slipped on some ice, and she was snapped forward like a slingshot. She careened headfirst, but just barely missed the lamp post. She flew six feet forward, screaming in pain, and slammed backwards into the ground.

Fluttershy came running back right at that moment. “Okay, Rainbow Dash I got the—“

She gasped when she saw her friend lying flat on her back, her tongue sprawled out like a water hose. Her eyes were shuddering, her mouth lay wide open, and she was completely motionless.

“Rainbow Dash!” Fluttershy bolted to her friend’s side and lifted her body half-way up. She shook Rainbow Dash to see if it would make her more aware, but the only thing that did was cause Rainbow’s detached brain to squish against the inside of her skull. The whiplash had severed her brain stem.

It also severed her vertebrae, which explains how her head bent sideways and fell to the ground. Fluttershy saw the resulting bloodspray and subsequently vomited into Rainbow’s neck hole.