Relatively Safe Liaisonsby Jake RChaptersRevelationsA Prelude of Sorts........To The MadnessLazarus Ain't Got Shit on This ResurrectionProfessor Discord Explains AllAwakenings and A-WageringsRevelationsNever in all my years did I expect a development like this to happen. If you had told me just a month ago that I would be spending my evening preparing myself for a date with one of my closest friends, I would have scoffed and assumed you to be grossly presumptuous. Oh, but dear reader, life has a humorous way of dealing yours truly some very precarious cards. Oh dear, I don’t much like the prose of this, does it seem a bit pretentious, cliched-I don’t know, something along that line. I’m not sure, I’m not a professional writer, my art belongs in fashion. Oh, dear and now I’ve found myself off-topic. Um-where were we? Oh, yes, I have a date tonight; with a dear friend of mine. What’s that? Spike? You think it’s Spike? I would write out a guffaw, but that wouldn’t properly showcase my amusement at your presumption. (I’ve used “presumption” twice now. Note to Rarity: get a thesaurus) Very well, I will entertain your notion. For the record, I do care about my wittle Spikey-Wikey dearly, I’m afraid I do not fancy him in such a light. Also, dragons are rather disgusting when you think about it. Oh dear sweet Celestia, did I just write that? My goodness, I sound like a complete racist. (Or species...ist.....um, what were we talking about?) Yes, yes I have a date; with a close friend of mine. “But wait, Rarity” I hear you say. “If it isn’t Spike.....and it’s one of your close friends....you’re going out with a...LE GASP! A mare!” Yes, yes, shocking. Your entire perception of me must be turned absolutely upside down! It’s not? You’re not shocked? Appalled? Ecstatic? Any kind of sudden emotional reaction? What do you mean you aren’t shocked? It’s me! Rarity! Girliest diva-ish fashionista in all of Equestria! You should be expecting me to chase the stallion of my dreams! Oh, you on the “internet” only “ship” me with Spike and my friends, so this doesn’t come as a shock to you? Well, moving on... Yes, in the past, I had aspirations of giving the brutish Prince Blueblood my hoof in marriage, and then the Grand Galloping Gala happened. Needless to say, I quickly discarded said aspirations, and made the world my romantic oyster. Also, before you get any ideas (I know I’ve used presumptuous too much, but that’s exactly what you, yes YOU are), no I did not get completely abandon stallions after that disastrous date (tempting as it was). To yours truly, gender does not get in the way of finding that special somepony. I have even made the occasional pass at a stallion or two. Unfortunately, they were already married (Fancy Pants) or of a different....um persuasion (that strapping pegasus who saved me from falling at the Wonderbolt Academy). What I’m trying to convey is that somepony like me could become infatuated with just about anypony. With that said, you’re probably wondering why I would like somepony like Applejack. You’re not, huh. Oh well.....WAIT. Are you not even the teeniest bit shocked at this revelation? No? Well that’s simply ludicrous; I mean, Applejack and I have nothing in common, how can you not be surprised by this turn of events? …....”Rarijack”? Oh you simply MUST be jesting; that is too silly. I don’t even know why I had Pinkie destroy this so-called “fourth wall”, it has provided no use to me. Forget it, I have wasted far too much time beating around the bush with all this petty “meta” nonsense. I have a story to tell, for Celestia’s sake! I’m sick of you cretins!!! Um, disregard that. So, let me start from the beginning, as is traditional. So yes, unlike you, I was indeed taken aback by my unexpected infatuation with our dear cowpony in question. As you probably know, Applejack and I did not always get along. Let’s face it, I wasn’t very appreciative of her rustic nature, but after the fateful sleepover at Twilight’s house, we became very good friends, and we learned to accept our disparities in personality and lifestyle. That was not how this little romance of ours begins. On the contrary, my infatuation began only a few short weeks ago...... ___________________________________________________ Whenever I am not having vivid dreams of delicious food, I have....other dreams. In the past, my partner(s) would often be a knight from fairytales, a strapping lumberjack, or, ugh, Bluuuuueblood (excuse me while I vomit). Vomiting occurs Anyway, while I have had many partners in my dreams, never did I ever expect one of my dear friends to appear. My memory of the first dream in question is a tad hazy, but as I recall, I was locked in an embrace with somepony who was extremely toned. She was holding me tight in her forelegs, and her mane was draped over my shoulder as she bestowed butterfly kisses along my neck. In my dream, this mystery mare backed away in my ecstasy (I know, such a tease); I opened my eyes to discover a golden mane, an orange coat, and the greenest set of eyes staring back at me. Applejack gave me a wink, and just like that, the dream ended. Needless to say, I was incredibly dumbfounded. Never had I pictured any of my friends like that, let alone Applejack. After some contemplation, I decided to dismiss that vivid dream as a side effect of the dinner I had the previous night (the last time I ever let Rainbow Dash talk me into having her precious Buckardi with alfalfa salad). After that, I had no dreams of any romantic sort for at least three nights. I assumed that the one dream would confine itself to one dream and I went to bed expecting no surprises. Oh cruel fate, how nothing goes to plan for this poor girl. In my second dream, the two of us were in a flowery meadow and perched under an oak tree. I was nuzzling Applejack’s neck and she was gently stroking my stomach. Applejack then rose from her position and took off her stetson hat. She gave a warm grin and said, “Here’s a little present for ya, marshmallow.” and she crowned me with her hat. For some inexplicable reason, in my dream, I just became butter. I flew up from my spot and charged toward Applejack in a furiously passionate kiss, the stetson hat flying off my head and getting lost in a sea of daisies. If there’s anything I’m thankful for in life, it’s that Rainbow Dash does not know how to see into people’s dreams. That mare would never let me hear the end of it if she knew what I was dreaming about. It only got worse. Soon, the dreams would become more and more vivid, and the scenarios were becoming less of what you would call “fluff” and more akin to that of your so-called “clop”. For example, in my fifth dream about Applejack, I was....constricted (if you will) to my bed. She was looking at me with a predatory smirk and my legs were spread open with everything being exposed. I was panting heavily, having a good idea about what she had planned, and housing a mix of apprehension and excitement. Applejack licked her lips and then, um -OH DEAR SWEET CELESTIA, WHAT AM I DOING???? HOOVES, STOP IT!!!!!!! _____________________________________________ Due to certain carnal impulses that are beyond my control, I have decided to write the rest of this memoir with my quill taped to my hooves. Note to all unicorn writers out there: when you write titillating tales using magic to write, always be mindful of your wandering hooves. Anyway, after that final dream, it became obvious that I could no longer ignore whatever was occurring in my subconscious. I needed advice from somepony who had years of experience in the psychological sciences and could accurately pinpoint what had caused my brain to wander into such devious domain. However, that is really expensive. So I just decided to talk to Pinkie Pie. A Prelude of Sorts....Rainbow Dash and I trotted to the library to have Twilight draft a contract in order to solidify our wager. I, of course, found the idea of the necessity of something so official to be ludicrous, but Dash was insistent. So I played along. If I could get Rainbow to serenade Fluttershy in two weeks, it would be worth it. My head was positively spinning! After such an eventful and enlightening morning, I couldn’t wait to get started on my plot (no, not that one). Although, while my head was mainly spinning from the excitement of the prospects of a new relationship, it also had to do with the...well, bizarre new information I had to process. I frankly just didn’t predict that one morning, I would go from having nasty dreams about one of my friends to being prepared to start a relationship with her. Beyond that: I would have never predicted that Applejack was into mares. I know that she’s an incredibly rustic, rough and’ tumbling cowpony, but SURPRISE SURPRISE: I am not the type who applies such stereotypes to a pony’s persuasion. As Rainbow and I got closer to the library, I decided to ask about what was running through my mind. “AJ? Yeah, she’s always been into mares. Apparently, she realized it when she was just a blank flank.” You can just go ahead and add that to the list of things I did not expect to hear. “My word. Was her family outraged?” “That’s mighty presumptuous, Ms. Rarity.” Rainbow and I turned to see none other than Big Macintosh. Son of a...... Rainbow was rubbing her neck, I was just stammering, and both of us were shying away sheepishly. For the first time in my life, I saw Big Mac offer a facial expression something other than his usual stoicism. He raised an eyebrow in suspicion. With yours truly continuing her stammering, Rainbow finally managed to say something. “Erm...hey, Big Macintosh. We weren’t just talking about Applejack being a fillyfooler.” Hey Rainbow Dash, if you ever read this, I just want you to know that you are, and always shall be, the most incompetent moron I have ever been associated with. Brava, really, brava. If you haven’t guessed by now, the running theme of this particular passage is “things I could not have foreseen”. In keeping with that, I was astonished to hear Big Mac’s response. “Well, that’s mighty hurtful language yer usin’, RD.” He replied with a slight grimace. Remember when I said literally 200 words ago that I was not the type of pony who believes in various stereotypes? Well, I’m going to have to contradict myself. I’m sure a good number of you out there saw the close-knit farmer familial lifestyle of the Apples and assumed them to be of a more conservative nature. I mean, it’s a natural assumption, right? RIGHT? Regardless, although I was surprised by Big Mac’s response, it was a pleasant surprise. “Why, Big Macintosh, it’s nice to see somepony like you detested by such slurs.” Big Mac gave a nod. “Eeyup. T’aint mah place to be usin’ that kinda cussin. Ah know Ah seem pretty simple to y’all, but just know that hate ain’t no Apple Family value.” Rainbow started to get defensive. “What the hay? What does that make me?” “Now, now, Rainbow Dash, calm down. I’m certain that those of your orientation have proprietary use of that word.” “You’re darn right we....wait, we do? Aw sweet! I gotta tell AJ!” Ahh, Rainbow Dash; can’t read sarcasm to save your life. Never change, darling. Anyway, Big Macintosh was able to get back to his original talking point...eventually. If you haven’t noticed by now, I and my friends have a nasty habit of getting horribly off track in conversations. It must be painful to read. Ah well, you’re still here. Moving on. “Um, if it ain’t to pryin’ of me, may Ah ask why y’all’re talkin’ ‘bout what mah little sis does behind closed doors?” Just like that, things took a turn for the awkward once again. Something tells me that Big Macintosh wouldn’t appreciate the fact that Rainbow and I were making her sister a cog in our wager. However, Rainbow, thinking on her hooves (for once), managed to cover up the truth with another truth. “Oh, well you see, Big Mac: Um, a few years ago, Applejack and I used to, kinda, um...mess around?” Mac nodded. “Eeyup, knew that.” For once today, Rainbow got a taste of shock. Palpitating, she stammered, “Huh, what, hum...” “Aw, come on, RD, t’aint like you two hid it well. Ah was findin’ blue feathers in the barn or in Applejack’s mane alot. Not to mention the time I caught y’all making out in the Whitetail woods.” Rainbow rubbed her neck and tried to make out a reply. Meanwhile, I felt completely foolish. I pride myself on being in the know on all the delicious gossip in Ponyville, and yet THAT slipped by me? “What happened to you two, anyway? Things kina fizzle out?” Rainbow managed to get past her embarrassment and reply, “Yeah, you could say that. It doesn’t matter, I have...somepony else in mind.” Rainbow’s speech started to drift away into murmuring as she wandered off into her thoughts. It was heartwarming due to how smitten she was by Fluttershy, but at the same time, unsettling because I had no idea to what dark corners her mind was wandering to. Big Macintosh raised an eyebrow, but ultimately shook off Rainbow’s oddity. “Aw well, that’s a shame. Applejack hasn’t found somepony else I’m afraid.” In good time, Mac. Oooh, in good time indeed...... Big Mac sighed, “Either way, good luck Rainbow Dash. I’m sure whoever y’all got your sights on will be very happy. Ladies.” He turned into the opposite direction and we waved him goodbye. As we started back on our path to the library, we were stopped again by Mac himself, who called out, “Hey RD!” Rainbow turned around midair to see Big Mac in the distance. “Can you tell Fluttershy I said hey?” Rainbow didn’t know how to respond. She went back to stammering incoherently. I grinned slyly and answered for her. “Oh we certainly will, Big Macintosh. Toodles.” Seeming pleased, Big Mac grinned, turned around, and went about his merry way. Once he was out of earshot, I looked to Rainbow Dash, whose countenance resembled a combination of trepidation and indignation. “It would seem that Penelope has other fair suitors, ay Odysseus?” “If that’s some kind of egghead crack, I don’t wanna hear it!” “Would you care to call off this silly wager and just ask Fluttershy out and leave Applejack to my own devices?” “Oh I see, trying to weasel out of our agreement, huh? Hay no! Fluttershy can wait! I am not backing out of six months of free hemlock! C’mon, let’s get to Twilight’s!” Rainbow (literally) dashed off to the library; I, elegantly trotting behind. ________________________________________________________________ Rainbow and I decided against getting into the details with Twilight. I opted to simply write out the contract myself. As I did my task, Rainbow and Twilight were prattling on about their silly Daring Do fandom (they call themselves “Doers”) I, with my superb multitasking, was able to recall what they said: “So Rainbow, do you want a copy of this month’s FanFic magazine?” “Ugh, I’m so sick of that thing. The stories are terrible.” “Look I know it can get a little saturated with 2nd-pony stories with Daring, but...” “Not those, I don’t mind those. It’s just a lot of these writers who I really liked betrayed me!” “Betrayed you?” “Yes! Betrayed me!” “Tell me, how does a fanfic writer betray you?” Rainbow took the magazine and began to browse through until she found the passage she was looking for. “Look at that, “Like Glue” by Souldin.” “I thought you really liked that one.” “Yeah, I DID, but then he jumped the carp with the ending.” “Shark.” “Not hungry. The ending was really bad!” Twilight facehooved on that “not hungry” quip before sighing and replying, “What’s wrong with it?” “Isn’t it obvious? Daring and Zathura don’t get together in the end!” There was a brief silence. Twilight then snickered as she retorted, “Seriously? That’s your issue?” “Hay yeah it is! Souldin was building up Zathura’s love for Daring the whole time, and then he just ends it with them being friends!” “Um, Earth to Rainbow: “Like Glue” takes place between books. It wouldn’t make sense for Souldin to write that they get together.” “I don’t care! I want my DarThura!” “And if my memory is correct, in entirety of the story, Souldin writes Daring as sexually and romantically oblivious, how in the world was he going to logically insert a romantic ending?” “I want my DarThura!” “Isn’t the journey more important than the destination, anyway?” “DARTHURA!!!!!” “You’re hopeless.” Reading “Daring Do” may not have turned Rainbow Dash into an egghead, but she did turn into a mighty nerd. Anyway, I finished writing the contract and handed it over to Rainbow to read over. Twilight took a peep and raised her eyebrow. “This? This is what you guys are wagering over?” “You bet!” Rainbow grabbed one of Twilight’s quills with her mouth and put her Smart Cookie on the dotted line. “Oh come now Twilight, you’re not offended are you?” I took the quill and wrote my signature. “Offended? No! I just think this is really stupid to bet over, not to mention risky. Playing with Applejack’s feelings could have some serious consequences, Rarity. You are getting into some really dangerous liaisons.” “Twilight, there are two problems with that. One: whatever happens over the next two weeks are not “liaisons” as Rainbow and I are not co-conspiring on what I have planned with Applejack.” “Yeah, if anything, Twilight, I’m gonna try my hardest to stop whatever it is Rarity has planned.” “Second: these machinations I have in store aren’t the least bit dangerous. I mean, Pinkie told me herself that Applejack likes me, so however this plays out, the foregone conclusion is that I will give a relationship with her the old college try.” THUD. “You’re what.......” The three of us turned to the doorway of the staircase to see Spike. He had dropped the groceries he had purchased from the market. All of us were rubbing our necks, and Twilight’s eyes widened as she stammered out, “Oh Spike, uh, um, you see.....” Like. A. Bitch. ....To The MadnessHey guys, sorry this one took a while. I’ve been trying to rack my brain around how I want to finish “All in the Family” and...wait, this is author’s notes, right? Fuck! Hold on a second, guys, I’m gonna fix this... (Transition is transition) Now, as I had stated before, Spike cried like a bitch. It took all the collective strength of myself, Twilight, and Rainbow Dash not to laugh in his face, but we managed to feign discretion. So now with our silly wager officially bound by contract, Rainbow and I decided to part ways outside of Twilight’s library. Dash was bearing a heightened version of her typical cocky, confident extroversion. “You are going DOWN, Rarity!” “And just what exactly do you plan on doing to obstruct my plans?” Rainbow’s expression went completely blank. “I’m uhh, not sure...BUT, I’m still gonna win this bet!” I promptly rolled my eyes. “Dash, really, is six months of hemlock really worth stalling on your true happiness?” Dash rolled her eyes (the nerve of her!). “Ugh, will you lay off, Rarity? I really don’t see why you care so much about my freaking love life.” “Oh, come now, Rainbow Dash. Is it not obvious? I just adore budding romances, and you and Fluttershy will just look positively adorable together.” Rainbow proceeded to facehoof and let out an annoyed groan (again, the nerve of her!). “Here’s an idea, Rarity, how about worrying about your own maybe-relationship instead of mine!” “My what now?” It then dawned on me: Applejack was partially cast to the back of my mind for a little while. Looking back on what I’ve written, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy seemed to have eaten up my story so far. Realizing what my first priority was, I snapped back into action. “Very well, Rainbow Dash, I’ll let it alone. I’ll let you leave it to fate...for now. However, at the end of this two weeks, once I seduce Applejack, and WILL seduce Applejack, you will be asking out our timid companion.” “Which reminds me...” Rainbow picked up a pebble and threw it at the library’s second story window. Twilight peeked her head outside. The sounds of Spike’s bitchisms resonating inside. “Hey Rainbow, you forget something?” “Yeah. Twilight, what does “serenading with a sonnet mean?” Twilight tried to contain her snickering, but Dash was growing impatient. “Hey! Spill it, egghead! What does it mean?” “I-(snicker)-I’m sorry Rainbow. It’s just..” Twilight took deep breath to regain her composure. She cleared her throat and explained, “You see, Rainbow: a sonnet basically means a “little song”, and to “serenade” means to sing a light composition in somepony’s honor. This means if Rarity wins your asinine bet, then you have ask out Fluttershy in the form of an embarrasingly sappy love song.” Rainbow froze up completely. Her eyes widened and her teeth gritted. I couldn’t help but giggle. Without saying anything, she bolted off to parts unknown. Twilight and I just stood there in silence (you know, aside from Bitch-boy’s crying), before she broke the tension. “You think she went to forfeit the bet and ask Fluttershy out now?” “Well, we can only hope that’s the case, huh?” “To be honest, I don’t think Rainbow is right for Fluttershy. Big Mac is nice quiet pony, and he seems pretty interested in Flutter-AHHH!” I’m sorry, but when somepony spouts impudent gall like that, they desperately need a good old fashioned rock to the face. Not apologizing for my remedy to Twilight’s insane ramblings, I decided to go ahead with my plans to swoon my cowpony and walked away. Briskly trotting toward Sweet Apple Acres, nothing was going to get in my way. I was confident that Applejack had cooled down from our encounter earlier in the day. She was in the barn talking, apparently greeting, and seemed to be in good spirits. I was going to come inside, but then I heard who she was talking to. “Well howdy, Rainbow Dash. What brings you ‘round here?” Everything inside of me contracted. What was Dash doing there? Surely, she should have been on her way to Fluttershy’s? What in Smooze’s glorious name was going on? Resisting the urge to barge in, I instead found a glory-hole in the wall of the barn. It gave me a good peeping view inside. (Just ignore the fact that I was using a glory hole). “Rainbow, are you alright, you look pretty tense.” “Applejack, we gotta get back together!” “Uhh...care to elaborate?” “No time! JUST KISS ME!!!” Without waiting for reciprocation, Rainbow dived down from midair and planted a French kiss onto Applejack. On a side-note, would any of you out there be so kind as to explain to me what “French” is. Is that a human thing, or am I THAT out of the loop in Equestrian culture? Regardless, I was rather ambivalent about what I was witnessing. On the one hand, I was rightly incensed by Rainbow’s actions. That coward was trying to sabotage both the bet and two potential relationships in order to avoid mild humiliation. On the other hand...come now, let’s be honest: show of hands for anyone who has not pictured Rainbow and Applejack together in a lewd context? Nobody? I thought so. Needless to say, the rational and carnal parts of my brain were struggling to find consensus, so ultimately, I just chose to stare in stunned silence. Applejack pulled away from Rainbow’s advance. “Whew-nelly, Rainbow. Y’all went ahead and pounced, I tell you what!” “So will you go out with me again?” Applejack raised her eyebrow. “Not entirely sure what’s bringing this on, but I’m gonna have to go ahead and say no.” “UGGH!” Dash descended to the floor and presented her-uh...self. “Here, get on your knees, the spark will come back, won’t it?” As enraged as I was-not just for myself, but for Fluttershy-I secretly hoped Applejack would get on her knees and do some good old fashioned “provocative praise”. Perhaps Dash would break out a riding saddle and invite me for some kinky role play....no, wait-scratch that. That would be silly. “Rainbow, what in tarnation has gotten into you? I thought we agreed we weren’t right for each other!” “Look, I don’t care! Please get back with me!!!!” Applejack extended a hoof to Rainbow’s shoulder. “Come on sugarcube, what’s up? Filly trouble?” “Yes! I mean-No! Yes, no, maybe so!” Applejack let out a hearty chuckle. “Say no more, darling? What, did Fluttershy tell you she wasn’t interested?” I would be hard pressed to find anypony who didn’t see the signs clearly. Dash tensed up and recoiled before outbursting, “Shut up! What? No! I mean...I don’t know what you’re talking about!” “So...yes or no?” “I don’t feel that way about her!” AJ grinned the smuggest of grins (at this point, that’s her specialty). “Let me ask you, Rainbow. How many times this month have you clopped to Fluttershy’s model pictures?” Dash let out a sigh, hung her head low and blurted, “Twelve.” In Rainbow’s defense, we’ve all done it. I don’t care if you’re a stallion, mare, colt, filly, human-at some point, you all have played a solo in your nethers to an image of my canary-colored friend. You should be rightly ashamed. After Rainbow’s admission, Applejack chuckled once more. “So do you mind telling me what’s goin’ on, Rainbow?” Rainbow sighed. “Look, I know everypony knows how I feel...except I don’t know how she feels about me.” “Oooookay, so why don’t you just go up to her and ask?” “I CAN’T DO THAT!!!!! I mean...what if that ruins our friendship?” YOU HYPORCRITE!!! YOU CELESTIA-DAMN HYPOCRITE!!! NUT THE HAY UP AND ASK HER OUT ALREADY!!!!! Terribly sorry about that. Even when I’m writing about it, I get greatly incensed. “Well, Rainbow, you and I had a wild experiment bein’ a couple ‘n all, and we turned out pretty cool.” “It’s different, AJ. We had only known each other for like a day when we first hooked up. It was easier for us to be just be friends after it fizzled-out. Fluttershy’s my oldest friend, and she’s pretty sensitive. Let’s face it, AJ, I don’t think she has your resilience.” “You still tryin’ to hit on me?” “Is it working?” “Nnnope.” “Damnit.” She said, muttering under her breath. Applejack chuckled once more. “Come on, Rainbow: what’s a daring pony like you doin’ bein’ so evasive?” Rainbow gulped. “If you tell anypony this, I will kill you.” “Well, you ain’t strong enough to pull that off, but I assure you, my lips’re sealed.” Rainbow sighed. “I’m...scared.” I have no idea how Applejack maintained her composure, because outside the barn, I was in utter hysterics. It’s very convenient that those two didn’t hear me from the inside. Applejack nuzzled Rainbow. “You, scared? I doubt that very much.” “Well, I am, AJ. I’m not really good with the sappy crap with anypony. I’ve only been able to do that kind of crap with you because...well, we’ve done things that transcend barriers like that.” “Heh heh. I’ll say.” Applejack licked her lips. Pardon the crude vernacular, but: Dat Lick. “So yeah. How am I supposed to get close to Fluttershy if I can’t let down my walls?” Applejack’s reassuring smile faded. “You know, Rainbow, I don’t really have the answer to that. I kinda have my own problem with that.” “Yeah, I’ll say.” Rainbow grinned ever so smugly. “Let’s not forget your need for cider before we ever hit the sack.” AJ rolled her eyes. “Shut the hay up, I’m getting better at it. Look, the point is, I think everypony has these anxieties about being close to somepony they really, REALLY like.” Rainbow proceeded to give herself a knowing nod. She coyly replied, “Oh my AJ, have you found somepony else you want to rut?” “Buck you, Rainbow, but I’ll humor y’all.” She sighed deeply. “It’s Rarity.” Rainbow’s continued her sarcastic front. “Oh really?” (snicker) “I never would have guessed.” “You better not be tellin’ anypony, y’hear?” “Come on AJ, it’s me. That’s not going to stop me from making fun of you, though. For starters: talk about a downgrade. I mean, you move from yours truly to Rarity of all ponies.” Well buck you too, Rainbow. AJ rolled her eyes. “I don’t expect you to get it. To be honest, I can’t really explain it, either.” “Say no more. I don’t know what part of my brain really wants somepony like Fluttershy so badly, and frankly, I don’t really want to know.” “We got the worst luck when it comes to pickin’ mares, huh?” “You said it.” The two shared a good laugh before sighing. Rainbow was the first to speak again. “For what it’s worth, I really hope you can get the courage to ask her out, AJ. Nothing could make me happier than to see you happy....I’ll kill you if you tell anypony I said that. You know that, right?” “Of course, Dash. And let me just say that I wish you the best of luck with Fluttershy. Hopefully, y’all can get that famous “Rainbow Dash” swagger back.” Rainbow grinned. “Heh, don’t worry about me, AJ. Swagger’s a lot like a dog. Sometimes, it wanders away, but it always makes its way back home.” “...and then dies around the age of 15?” “What the hay, AJ?” “Hey, I’m just sayin’. If you’re gonna use a simile, it should thoroughly make sense. I’ve got this one about being sisters and how it’s like apple pie that’ll knock your socks off. Care to stick around and hear it?” Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I think I’ll pass.” AJ chuckled. “Suit yourself.” She planted a kiss on Rainbow’s cheek. “Take care of yourself, Rainbow. Get that swagger back.” Dash beamed. “You know it.” She made her way to the door before turning around. “Hey AJ, when all of this is said and done, and we do end up with ‘Shy and Rarity, would you be interested in a...um...well, a-” “Menage-a-quatre?” she interjected with a smirk. “Well, I was gonna say “daisy chain”, but yeah, yours sounds classier.” “Well sugarcube, if’n Rare’s okay with it, I just might call you two over for a little roll in the hay.” “Sweet! I can buy a riding saddle, and we could all take turns-” “Rainbow, I told you a million times already. That is the dumbest thing ever. EVER.” Rainbow shrugged. “You never know.” “Yes I do: dumb.” AJ deadpanned. “Buck you.” Dash exited the barn. I made my way from the vicinity before either of them spotted me. I decided against going to Applejack for now, because I came up with a new plan. It appeared that Rainbow was still willing to let the bet carry out, so I still had figure out how to have AJ come to me. Thankfully, Rainbow gave me the perfect inspiration (the fool). Never before had I seen Applejack so intimate or transparent with somepony else-Rainbow flipping Dash of all ponies, mind you. I realized that AJ can better approach a pony when said pony is in a vulnerable state. So, all I needed to do was figure out how to get myself into a physically/mentally/emotionally compromising state in order for Applejack to swoop in and open up to, and I believed I had the perfect state in mind. First: I would need loads and loads of hemlock. Lazarus Ain't Got Shit on This Resurrection“I am terribly sorry to burst your bubble, but I do not sell hemlock. T’would be too much trouble.” Essentially, I went into that filthy, scary forest for nothing. Resisting the urge to say that, I replied, “Is that so? I could have sworn that you were Ponyville’s connection to the stuff.” Zecora arched an eyebrow. “I must ask how you came to that conclusion, and how it became your reason for intrusion.” “Well, as you no-doubt could tell, I require some hemlock, and I inferred that you would be in that particular industry.” “To guess, if I might: it is because of my experience in botany, right?” I nodded. “Would you, by chance, know who the town’s actual dealer is?” Zecora smiled and nodded. “I know who works in the illicit trade, although the answer is a surprising one in...daaeed?” ...Was she forreal? That expression is correct, correct? for-real? Regardless, I called Zecora out on the forced rhyme, to which she sighed. “Constant rhyming is a difficult feat. Certain mistakes are bound to repeat.” “Could you possibly point to me in the direction of some hemlock.” I said, attempting to return the conversation to productivity. Zecora rolled her eyes (bitch) and went pointed out the window to the meadow outside of the forest, “The home of the hemlock mare is northwest over there.” I trotted to the window and looked out, I didn’t see anything out of the usual out in the meadow. Confused, I turned to Zecora. “Darling, I must say, I am rather confused. There doesn’t seem to be anything out there other than Fluttershy’s cott—” ...Well, shit. *** Was I really going to do this? Fluttershy clearly did not want us, her closest friends, to know of her workings in such an insidious trade. Otherwise, she would have least told moi at one of our weekly spa dates. Oh dear, this was simply horrible! Fluttershy—dear, sweet, sexy Fluttershy—was dealing hemlock! The scandal! The audacity! Whatever caused her to turn to this life? My heart was pulsating as I approached the door to her cottage. I knew I had to go to her to get my hemlock, but... ...I couldn’t do it! Damn my plans, I simply couldn’t knock on that door and confront dear Fluttershy on this. It wasn’t my place! Besides, couldn’t you just imagine the scandal involved if I was caught buying hemlock? Why, the tabloids would have a field day! Promising Fashionista Caught in Drug Bust. I’m too pretty to go to jail! I DON’T WANNA BE SOMEPONY’S BITCH!!!— “Um... Rarity?” Snapping back to reality, I looked to see that Fluttershy was standing in the open doorway. Sweet Celestia, Rarity. Get your shit together! You know, maybe if you didn’t spend so much time going off on these bizarre tangents, you’d actually be able to make some progress on this stupid memoir! I’m taking my own advice! Moving on! I saw Fluttershy standing at the door. Shocked, I cleared my throat and hastily tried to explain my presence. “F-fluttershy! Why, how lovely it is to see you. You see, I was just in the neighborhood, and—” It was then that I was tackled to the ground in a massive Flutterhug (the bucking ground). “Oh, Rarity! I never thought I’d see you again!” ...Okay, this was getting confusing. “Fluttershy, darling, whatever do you mean? I just saw you yesterday.” “Hey, Shy, who is that?” Coming out the door was Rainbow Dash, whose eyes widened immensely. “Rarity! Where the hay have you been?!” Okay, seriously, what was going on? “Girls, whatever is going on? Rainbow Dash, I just saw you at Sweet Apple Acres no later than an hour ago!” Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy looked to each other in utter confusion. Fluttershy got off of me and allowed me to stand. I really needed a rigorous spa day after getting tackled to the ground not once, but twice in the span of a day! “...Rarity?” Rainbow Dash asked rather hesitantly. “What did you do today?” I snorted. “Well, I hardly understand why you would need a refresher, Rainbow Dash, but I suppose I’ll indulge you.” Making the obvious mental note to omit anything pertaining to our wager (keep in mind, Fluttershy was standing with us), I began, “Well, I woke up and made my way to Sugarcube Corner, where I had a rather nasty bump with Applejack. It was quite the coincidence, considering I had been having these rather lewd dreams about her and... why ever are you two staring at me like that?” Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash looked at me as if they had seen a ghost. After a rather pregnant pause, Rainbow spoke up. “Rarity... that was four months ago.” Okay, I realize this is going to sound absolutely mad, but I swear to Luna, I heard a record scratch in the distance. The amount of what-the-fuckery was skyrocketing. “Rainbow Dash, whatever are you saying?” “I’M SAYING YOU’VE BEEN GONE FOR FOUR FLIPPIN’ MONTHS!!!!” I wasn’t exactly sure of what to say. I looked to Fluttershy, and then Rainbow Dash... and then made another meeting with the ground. *** Okay, now I was in a hospital. My stars, I was dizzy. Many ponies were surrounding my bed; Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Applejack (it appeared as though she was crying, the poor dear), Sweetie Belle, Mother, Father (oh shit, they were crying as well, Applejack too. What in blue blazes happened?), and Discord... wait, what the fuck? “She’s coming to!” Twilight announced to the group. All eyes were upon me as I shook off my dizziness. “W-why am I in a hospital?” “Oh, Rarity.” Fluttershy said. “You passed out when we told you that you were missing for four months.” “We thought you were dead, baby.” Mother tearfully told me. Everypony nodded when she said that. My eyes widened. “W-what? But... I could have sworn everything that had happened happened. The dreams! The apple cart! Sugarcube Corner! The Library! The glory hole!” “Those all happened, Rar—wait, the glory hole?” Twilight said, arching an eyebrow before shaking it off. “Nevermind. Those all happened, Rarity. They happened four months ago. Nopony’s seen you since you left the library.” Pinkie was kind enough to splash some cold water on my face after I fainted again. “But that’s impossible! How can this be! Where have I been!” Twilight’s eyes narrowed. “That’s what we’re trying to get him to explain!” Everypony turned Discord, who was standing to my very right and chuckling. “Oh, Twilight Sparkle, you’ve always been quite the little scholar. Always hungry for information and enlightenment. Sometimes violently so!” Discord smirked. “It’s quite erotic, if you ask me.” Well, it’s nice to know that somepony else sees into the erotic subtext of Twilight’s being as I do. “We ain’t lookin’ for games, Discord!” Applejack threatened through her gritted teeth. “Now you tell us where the hay she’s been!” Discord sighed. “Oh, poo-poo to you, Applejack. Never the type for any fun and games. Very well.” Discord then placed a pair of thick-rimmed glasses on his face. “Professor Discord will explain everything.” Professor Discord Explains AllGreetings, boys and girls! It is I, Professor Discord! It's true. I *am** that handsome.* Now, many of you are most likely very curious as to why this story has been inactive for, oh... say, four months, and what this has to do with Rarity being missing for that length of time. Well, I can explain everything. Not only do I have a Ph.D. in Chaos, but I also acquired a Masters in Western Pony Literature (Wake Forest. Class of '97. Go Deacs!). Anyway, as I was saying, the lack of activity in this story and Rarity's absence are inter-mingled. You see, as it turns out, Rarity is not the writer of this memoir. I know, I know. It's quite the twist. It appears that there's an entity who has been controlling Rarity's actions and thoughts from the very start of this story. That entity is this bipedal monster!!! Research indicates that this gentleman is a spastic, horny jackass who spends most of his time kissing the ass of more talented writers and yelling at people. Thus, all of this chaos in this story has been caused by this man's insanity. He used Rarity as a vessel for that insanity, which is why she went from being this sophisticated, chaste lady into an crazy, cursing bitch. This also explains the bizzare, fourth wall breaks and humor. However, this deviant soon grew very bored with this universe, and he abandoned it; leaving it without a god. What's worse? Why, this devilish fiend not only left, but he took Rarity with her. As such, while the rest of this world moved and returned to normalcy, Rarity sifted through the space between spaces in a bizzare, limbo state. In any ordinary case of Pony Literature, when a universe like this is abandoned, it simply withers away and dies, forgotten. However, this freak recently, out-of-the-blue decided to return to this realm, plopping Rarity right into the the present time. So now, the original framing device and plot have been thrown for a loop. Essentially, the writer both put this story back on track, and derailed it completely. Where does this story go from here? Only he knows, and keep in mind, he's a fickle troll who very likely really hates his readers. In short: anything can happen. Now, this is the real explanation that I am giving to you, the reader. I gave a completely different explanation to everypony in the hospital. If you were to tell these characters that they were... well, characters in a story, their brains would implode. So what do they believe is the reason for Rarity's disappearance? GOBLINS Awakenings and A-WageringsNow, Pinkie is not exactly the ideal type to go to for romantic advice. However, considering my options, I did not have much of a choice. I decided against Twilight because that filly has the worst luck when it comes to keeping secrets (Pinkie told me about how she tried to keep Spike’s not-too-secret infatuation to herself. I now have a growing paranoia that Pinkie is stalking all of us at every turn.). She would also most likely try to turn this into an experiment, and I cannot articulate how little I want these dreams of mine to be used by Twilight for her own devious reasons (then again, that’s probably what a psychologist would have done, so nuts to psychology). For obvious reasons, I could not consult Applejack. However, beyond that this is about her, Applejack tends to be quite, skittish, when it comes to topics of a titillating type. During the infamous sleepover at Twilight’s house, after AJ and I reconciled our differences, we decided to give truth or dare another try. The topics for truth took a racy turn (courtesy of yours truly) and when it came time for Applejack to answer something as simple as with whom did she have her first kiss, we had to practically chain her to the floor to keep her from dashing out into the night. I know what you’re thinking, “ooh, Rarity, that’s out of character for Applejack, she’s the element of honesty, blah blah blaaaah!!”. Look I don’t know what to tell you, other than that the Elements of Harmony, to us at least, are just magic stones that shoot rainbows to make villains go away. Whatever element we happen to be honestly doesn’t have any bearing on how the six of us behave or go about our lives. So I’m capable of being selfish, Fluttershy is capable of being nasty or rude, and yes, Applejack is capable of lying. Terribly sorry to “burst” anyone’s “bubble”. Fluttershy should be fairly self-explanatory. That pony is afraid of her own shadow. Trying to extract advice from her about my sordid lucid dreams would be a frustrating ordeal. It’s a shame too; it could have made for delicious spa talk. Rainbow Dash would (1)-Most likely laugh at the dreams I’m having, (2)-Be far too casual about it. More than being brash, Dash lacks any tact whatsoever. If I were to explain my predicament to our pegasus friend, she would (after guffawing for an hour) probably tell me to go to Sweet Apple Acres and pounce on Applejack as if she was my prey in the wild. The great irony being that Rainbow Dash would suggest this as option A for yours truly, but that she can’t seem to get the nerve to ask Fluttershy out on a date (but we’ll touch upon that later, wink). Spike? He would cry like a bitch. I know that’s brutish malediction on my part, but I would say that’s a fairly concise explanation. Spike would cry like a little bitch. So given my limited options, Pinkie was the only sensible option. As, well, unhinged as that filly is, she is probably the most trustworthy out of my friends, what with her Pinkie promises and all. I could count on her to keep my predicament to her pink-self. Who knows, perhaps she could lend some valuable advice (perhaps being the keyword, here). Setting out to Sugarcube Corner, I made it my mission not to be sidetracked by any interlopers. So naturally, I just had to bump into Applejack. And it wasn’t so much bump, as it was crash. Of course, I’m getting way ahead of myself, so perhaps I should back things up a bit. I was trotting to Sugarcube Corner with my eyes darted in said direction. As previously mentioned, I made my way forward determined not to get distracted by anything else. So naturally, I did not notice until it was far too late that a cart of fruit was right in my path. After experiencing a thunderous crash, I awoke from a hazy bump on the head. Confused as to where I was, I opened my eyes to find I was lying down in the town square just down the street from Sugarcube Corner. There was something else, however, that had reign of my attention: something that I was perched on top of, something that was firm, something that was warm, orange, APPLEJACK!!! Oh! Curse such an awkward (not to mention, contrived) coincidence. Here I am, having all these sultry dreams about my rustic friend, and now here she was, helping me act out one of those very fantasies (number 4 to be exact. I remember that, because in all the other ones, I’m on bottom). Needless to say, I was embarrassed beyond belief. I had to play it cool, otherwise, I might let something slip. “Uh-ah...Applejack, how are you this fine day?” If there was anything redder than a red delicious or any of my various scarlet gowns, it was Applejack’s face. AJ’s chest (and by extension, myself) was rising up and down with her heavy breathing and furious palpitations. I was shocked to say the least. This couldn’t mean what I thought it meant. I tried to break the tension. “Um, Applejack, are you feeling alright? You’re positively red all over!” Okay, obviously I wasn’t really trying that hard, but everything was so sudden! AJ’s pupils shrunk as the rest of her eyes widened. Next thing I know, she’s shoving me off of herself onto the ground. I touched the dirt! Honest-to-Celestia dirt! Regardless of the context, I was furious at that filly for bucking me on the Celestia-damned mother-bucking ground!!! Wow, where did that come from? Most unladylike. Terribly sorry. Moving on! As I was saying, I was rather upset with Applejack, who had distanced herself a good ten feet away from where I was lying (the bucking ground!) and was standing fully erect. More than upset, I was absolutely livid. “How dare you, Applejack? How could you buck me onto the ground? The ground of all places!” Applejack didn’t say anything for what became a very long silence. The awkwardness was only exemplified when AJ finally managed to open her mouth and she let out something that somepony might call a mix of a record scratch and a griffon’s shriek. I was so baffled that I couldn’t even respond to it before Applejack started to run away. I raised my hoof and cried out, “AJ, darling, come back! What’s the matter?” No avail. In hindsight, it seemed silly that I did not fully realize what was going through that pony’s head. All I was thinking at the time was that somepony else probably needed their head checked by Pinkie (I never thought I would have ever had to write those words in that sequence). Regardless, I got on my hooves, inspected myself fervently for any dirt (I appeared fine, either way, I would need the usual at the spa, better safe than unsanitary) and trotted my way to Sugarcube Corner, thankfully without any further distractions. __________________________________________ It’s a shame, I was hoping for Pinkie to pull out her fortune teller persona when I consulted her about my dreams. Twilight told me about her experience with “Madame Pinkie” a little over a year ago, and it got me intrigued. The idea of Pinkie bedizened in some gaudy Saddle-Arabian garments while waving her hooves around a crystal orb and making exaggerated theremin sounds with her mouth puts a smile to my face. What do get to the contrary? Pinkie’s persona on this day was somepony in a dull grey suit and and an ugly, white beard (not a fan of beards, sue me). She was also speaking in a hokey and frankly ugly accent that she insisted was real and was called “Austrian”. If those of you on the so-called “internet” could please help me out, I would be eternally grateful, because I have no idea what she was talking about. Then again, I never understand what goes on with that filly’s mind so, you know what? Disregard what I said. I don’t need your help: I’m chalking it up to “It’s Pinkie Pie”. Anyway, as disappointed as I was in Pinkie’s choice of persona, our actual dialogue went along surprisingly productively...... _____________________________________ (I’ll spare you the annoyance of having to read and me the pain of having to write out Pinkie’s accented speaking.) “Rarity. In my medical opinion...” “You are not a medical professional.” “Well, I guess you don’t want my advice then.” Pinkie made a melodramatic huff and turned away. “Wait, wait, I’m sorry. I do. I really want your advice on this, please, you’re the only one I can turn to, frankly.” She turned around with a gleaming in her eyes, clearly about to cry. “Really? You mean it? Pinkie swear?” She extended her hoof. “Pinkie swear.” I bro-hoofed her back. Pinkie then proceeded to let out a fountainous stream of tears. Oh, what I would give to be able to cry on cue like that; not to mention, her ability to immediately bounce back into her bubbly self. With skills like that, I could be a famous actress and be beloved by all of Equestria. I could then go to my parents and finally tell them, “Ha! I never needed your love! Whadya think about that, Mom, you cold, neglectful whore!!” I sincerely hope my family never reads this. Then again, on the off-chance they would discover this log, they would probably forget it the next day like the dim drunkards that they are....ROMANCE!!! I AM TALKING ABOUT ROMANCE!!!!! CONVERSATION WITH PINKIE PIE!!!! NO MORE TANGENTS!!!! Pinkie proceeded to jump into her “thinking” pose. It was amazing, she did a backflip right from her chair and plopped back into the exact same spot now in that serious, contemplative mien. All these talents she has, and yet she still works as a baker’s apprentice, what a shame. Buck it. It’s Pinkie. After spending a minute in thought, a light bulb appeared above Pinkie’s head, and I’m not speaking metaphorically either. I’ll leave that to your imagination. “Rarity, in my medical opinion...” “You’re-uh, nevermind.” “In my medical opinion, you should ask Applejack out on a date.” I forgot to mention earlier, but the two of us were having some tea with our conversation, and I was taking a sip of mine. You can imagine what happened next, and I’ll give you one good guess as to where the piping hot tea went. After a quick trip to urgent care, Pinkie Pie (now blindfolded by bandages) reiterated her solution to my predicament. Having been given time to consider her answer, I was able to conjure-up an eloquent, articulate, and above all, mature rebuttal. “Oh, hay no!” “Aww, why not?” Pinkie sounded rather deflated. She obviously has something in common with you “shippers”. “Pinkie, come on, let’s be realistic. I would never ask out one of my friends and risk such awkwardness. That’s how friendships get ruined.” “Wow Rares, you could not be more wrong.” “And just what would you know about such matters, Rainbow Da-RAINBOW DASH!?” How did I not notice her leaning outside by the open window? That filly couldn’t make a stealthy entrance to save her life! “Oooh, hey Dashie, what’s the haps?” “Err, Pinks, why are you talking to the counter?” Pinkie did a 180 degree turn in her chair to face in Rainbow’s direction. “Tee-hee-hee, sorry Dashie. Rare-rare blinded me and now I can’t see a thing.” “Huh. You seem to be in good spirits about it.” “Well it gives me a chance to throw a “Temporary Blindness” party!” Rainbow and I proceeded to pull off a simultaneous “Facehoof 2X” (only doable in the presence of Pinkie Pie). “Nevermind that. Just what are you doing here Rainbow Dash? How rude of you to eavesdrop on our conversation!” “Hey hey! I was just walking by. It’s not my fault this window was wide open.” Rolling my eyes, I conceded to that fact. “Regardless, what insight do you think you would have on a predicament like this?” “Well as I said earlier, you’re completely wrong when you think a relationship would damage your friendship with AJ.” “Oh and how would you know?” “Um, maybe because AJ and I dated a long time ago.” I wasn’t going to do another spit-take, but rest assured, it was difficult to resist. “How...you, Applejack....what?” “Heh heh, yeah, back when I first moved to Ponyville, I met AJ at the welcoming party that Pinkie threw for me.” Pinkie giggled. “That one was a blast!” I remembered that party. Kind of. You see, Rainbow being a pegasus, Pinkie decided to go for a flight theme. She ended up throwing a “High as a Kite” party. So, yeah, all I can recall is that I consumed more tortilla chips in one night than I ever had in my entire life. “Yeah, yeah; it was classic Pinkie Pie party. So anyway, AJ and I hit it off and so we became marefriends for a little while. It was cool and everything, but after awhile, it just kinda ran out of steam, so we just sorta called it off. Long story short, we’re still tight as ever. So stop being such a foal and just ask AJ out.” This time I was by my lonesome when it came to facehoofing. “Yeah, brilliant idea, Rainbow Dash, except for one thing: how do I know that she would even want to date me?” “Whaddya talking about, Rares? You look good, and you’re not too annoying most of the time. I don’t see why AJ wouldn’t say no if you asked her out.” “Yeah, and besides, Applejack has had a crush on you for a while.” I don’t want to use the phrase “so silent, you could hear a pin drop” because it’s so terribly cliched and tired, but just for the record, that was the perfect description of the scene at Sugarcube Corner after that particular outburst by our Pink compatriot. “Well, I wasn’t expecting that.” Rainbow replied in a genuinely shocked tone. I, on the other hoof, forgot what words were. In lieu of diction, Dash and Pinkie were treated to yours truly stammering and blinking profusely in an over-exaggerated manner that, in some Canterlot theatres, would be touted as masterful performance art. Rainbow swooped into the interior of Sugarcube Corner and poured unto me a bucket full of the Ponypox vaccine to silence me. Naturally, I cried for the pitiful state of my mane. “Aww, don’t worry Rare-rare, your mane looks just fine.” “Why thank you Pink-” I stopped immediately as Pinkie began giggling profusely. Obviously, being blinded hadn’t dampened her mood in the slightest. “Well Pinkie, considering your penchant for pranking, can I assume that your previous statement was simply a bad joke?” Pinkie gave three swift shakes of the head. “Nuh-uh. That was absolutely, 100 percent true. Or does thou doubteth our Pinkie sense?” “Pinks, why are you talking like that? Is this your new persona. I gotta be honest, I miss “Madame Pinkie”.” “No time for that, Rainbow Dash. Now Pinkie, what does your Pinkie sense have to do with anything?” “Uh, duh! If my right foreleg stiffens along with my jawline, combined with the twitching of my eye, it signals to me that somepony has a crush on somepony else; and I got that sensation from Applejack when you two were talking at the donut shop after the Gala.” “Oh that’s what that was? Huh, and all this time, I thought you were just having a stroke.” (This has never been confirmed, but those of us in our circle of friends agree that multiple strokes would explain SO much about Pinkie’s mannerisms) Pinkie’s revelation was certainly jarring to hear. “Wait? You said you got this sensation after the Gala? You mean to tell me that Applejack has been harboring an infatuation with me for nearly two years?” “Or longer. I never know when a pony starts to have feelings for somepony else. She could have liked you from the moment she first saw you. Tee-hee, that’s so awesome-rific!!!” I grabbed Pinkie’s bandaged face and pulled her muzzle to muzzle and began speaking in a very serious monotone. “Pinkie Pie, are you absolutely certain that your Pinkie Sense is accurate in this case? Are there any other instances in which you have experienced the sensation you described?” Pinkie giggled right into my mouth (tee-hee, mouth breather), and replied, “Of course silly! The first time I got the “crush twitch” was when Rainbow Dash was telling her cutie mark story to the Crusaders. I got it as she was describing the time she defended Fluttershy’s honor against those bullies. I pretty much get it anytime Dashie is in proximity to Fluttershy. I go off the charts like WOO, WOO WOO.” Pinkie released herself from my grasp in order to wave her arms up and down like the results of some sort of awry chart. I was completely dumbfounded. Slumping in my seat, I uttered, “Dear sweet Celestia, it MUST be true. There can’t be any other explanation.” Dash, meanwhile, was redder than Applejack when I crashed into her earlier in the day. Head slumped down, she muttered, “Is it that obvious?” Pinkie and I turned to her and replied in matter-of-factly unison, “Yes.” Dash floated to the ground and tried her very hardest to hide in plain sight. She was being a regular Fluttershy at this point. Just like that, Applejack’s unsettling behavior earlier in the day made complete sense. Never before, had we touched in such a compromising position, so obviously, she must have been taken aback. However, more than that, there were signs everywhere. It was in the sweet way that she treated and talked to me that she did to nopony else. Oh sure, she was always kind and considerate to everypony, but it occurred to me that she treated me as somewhat special above anypony else. I can remember when that brutish Trixie came rampaging through town with her alicorn amulet. She zapped a hideous ensemble onto my body that left me reasonably distraught and horrified. I wasn’t able to stand on my own legs, but Applejack carried me out of the carnage; Applejack draped me in black cloth to shield my fashion deformity from public eye; and Applejack stayed by my side afterward to console me and let me know that everything would be okay. It was at that point, that I was reminded of what she once said to me on the outskirts of the Crystal Empire... “Good things are better when they’re a Rarity.” At the time, I thought it was a rather corny, albeit, endearingly corny pun. Looking back on it now, the question comes to mind: could that have been Applejack trying to flirt with me? Obviously, that’s a tad bit of a stretch, but thanks to Pinkie’s enlightening exposé, any of our interaction over the history of our friendship could be interpreted as Applejack’s feelings trying to expose themselves. Could it be perhaps that my own dormant feelings were trying to let their way out as well? That didn’t matter, frankly, because it was then that I knew what I had to do. I had to give Applejack a chance. If Rainbow Dash could do it then so could I. Applejack had been sheltering these feelings for far too long, and it was time that they were set free. This had nothing to do with my dreams, or me for that matter, this was about a lovely and charmingly rustic pony who deserved happiness, and if it that meant making her my special somepony, then so be it. I dare say, it was my moral duty to do so. I would do it not for my own needs, but for Applejack. For Equestria! “Um, Rarity, are you still talking to us or did you think you were alone?” I turned to Rainbow Dash, who stared back with a quizzical look, while Pinkie was continuing her waving. “I could have sworn that I was just thinking...um, what exactly did I say?” “Something about how it was your “moral duty” or whatever to make AJ your special somepony. If I had to guess, it probably sounded better in your head.” I blushed (of course), but ultimately decided to move past my faux pas and focus on my new task at hand. I made my way for the door, before being stopped at the doorway by Rainbow Dash. “So what’s the plan, are you just going to go right up to her and ask her out?” “That’s the traditional way, yes.” “Rarity, you can’t do that. You know AJ, she’ll probably dash off and try and hide in a cave somewhere.” Just where was she getting at? “Well then, enlighten me. How did you ask her to be your special somepony?” “It was kinda a mutual deal....oh yeah, plus she was crazy high on hemlock.” “Hemlock?” “Yeah, you know, the insanity plant: the one that gets ponies really high. You can smoke it, eat it, stick it up your-” “I know what hemlock is, Rainbow Dash.” (However, I did not know that you could stick hemlock up anywhere. I have no intention of investigating this for myself) “Are you honestly suggesting that I start a relationship doped out of our gourds?” “All I know is, that’s the only way you can loosen AJ’s inhibitions about intimate stuff. When we were dating, she would need to chug at least half a gallon of cider before she could get comfortable enough to let me go to town and...” I didn’t reply. I just stared with wide eyes. Rainbow blushed and rubbed the back of her neck. “Uh, but that’s not important. All I know is that when she’s stone cold sober, AJ is an emotional fortress.” After pondering for a moment, I was bestowed by the powers that be with an ingenious idea. “Well then, Rainbow Dash, if I can’t go to Applejack, I’ll just have to have Applejack come to me.” Then came the return of Rainbow’s quizzical look. “Say huh?” “You see, darling, before I arrived at Sugarcube Corner, I had a run-in with Applejack, and to make a long story short, I ended up lying on top of her. Like you said, she froze up mentally and ran off. Now suppose somepony kept pushing at that barrier that Applejack has. At some point, the barrier would have to break. Therefore, if I get flirtier and more comfortable around Applejack, she’ll have no choice but to get more comfortable around me. She will then have the confidence to ask me out herself.” Rainbow snorted. “Pu-lease. That would never work, Rares. You would honestly have better luck trying to ask AJ out when she’s sober.” Since it was most uncouth to snort, I merely scoffed. “Well, I guess I’ll take your word for it. After all, you are the master of asking somepony out. Like when you went to Fluttershy and, OH WAIT.” Rainbow narrowed her eyebrows. “Your sarcasm always has me in stitches.” “I’m just how you would say “calling it” like I’m “seeing it”.” “Whatever. The point is, you could never get Applejack to ask you out herself.” “And I’m saying I could.” It was then that my brain (in its infinite wisdom) gave me a stupendous idea. “In fact, I would be willing to bet on it.” Rainbow perked up her ears. If any of my friends was blessed with the persona of the gambling type, it was her. “What are the terms?” “I propose to you, Rainbow Dash, that I can break Applejack’s emotional barriers and get her to ask me out on a date in as little as two weeks from today. However, if I cannot procure a date of her request in a fortnight, then I will (1)-ask her out your way, by getting her inebriated on hemlock and (2)-cover your costs for your personal stash of hemlock for six months.” “Hay yeah! It’s a deal!” “Hold on now, let me finish. If, however, I do indeed get her to ask me out two weeks from today, then you must ask Fluttershy out on a date, and, you must do it by serenading her with a sonnet.” Rainbow contemplated long and hard. I was worried she wouldn’t agree to uphold her end of the bargain. Thankfully, she looked back at me and replied, “Deal.” Obviously she did not know what “serenading with a sonnet” meant. “Alright then, Rares, let’s shake on it.” Rainbow spit on her hoof and offered it to me. “Buck you, I’m not touching your spit.” (Rude language, yes, but she left me no choice.) “Well excuuuuuse me, Princess. Fine, we’ll just have Twilight write up a contract later. She can also tell me what a “lemonade with a sonnet” or whatever is.” I swore on my life that I would NOT lose this bet.
RevelationsNever in all my years did I expect a development like this to happen. If you had told me just a month ago that I would be spending my evening preparing myself for a date with one of my closest friends, I would have scoffed and assumed you to be grossly presumptuous. Oh, but dear reader, life has a humorous way of dealing yours truly some very precarious cards. Oh dear, I don’t much like the prose of this, does it seem a bit pretentious, cliched-I don’t know, something along that line. I’m not sure, I’m not a professional writer, my art belongs in fashion. Oh, dear and now I’ve found myself off-topic. Um-where were we? Oh, yes, I have a date tonight; with a dear friend of mine. What’s that? Spike? You think it’s Spike? I would write out a guffaw, but that wouldn’t properly showcase my amusement at your presumption. (I’ve used “presumption” twice now. Note to Rarity: get a thesaurus) Very well, I will entertain your notion. For the record, I do care about my wittle Spikey-Wikey dearly, I’m afraid I do not fancy him in such a light. Also, dragons are rather disgusting when you think about it. Oh dear sweet Celestia, did I just write that? My goodness, I sound like a complete racist. (Or species...ist.....um, what were we talking about?) Yes, yes I have a date; with a close friend of mine. “But wait, Rarity” I hear you say. “If it isn’t Spike.....and it’s one of your close friends....you’re going out with a...LE GASP! A mare!” Yes, yes, shocking. Your entire perception of me must be turned absolutely upside down! It’s not? You’re not shocked? Appalled? Ecstatic? Any kind of sudden emotional reaction? What do you mean you aren’t shocked? It’s me! Rarity! Girliest diva-ish fashionista in all of Equestria! You should be expecting me to chase the stallion of my dreams! Oh, you on the “internet” only “ship” me with Spike and my friends, so this doesn’t come as a shock to you? Well, moving on... Yes, in the past, I had aspirations of giving the brutish Prince Blueblood my hoof in marriage, and then the Grand Galloping Gala happened. Needless to say, I quickly discarded said aspirations, and made the world my romantic oyster. Also, before you get any ideas (I know I’ve used presumptuous too much, but that’s exactly what you, yes YOU are), no I did not get completely abandon stallions after that disastrous date (tempting as it was). To yours truly, gender does not get in the way of finding that special somepony. I have even made the occasional pass at a stallion or two. Unfortunately, they were already married (Fancy Pants) or of a different....um persuasion (that strapping pegasus who saved me from falling at the Wonderbolt Academy). What I’m trying to convey is that somepony like me could become infatuated with just about anypony. With that said, you’re probably wondering why I would like somepony like Applejack. You’re not, huh. Oh well.....WAIT. Are you not even the teeniest bit shocked at this revelation? No? Well that’s simply ludicrous; I mean, Applejack and I have nothing in common, how can you not be surprised by this turn of events? …....”Rarijack”? Oh you simply MUST be jesting; that is too silly. I don’t even know why I had Pinkie destroy this so-called “fourth wall”, it has provided no use to me. Forget it, I have wasted far too much time beating around the bush with all this petty “meta” nonsense. I have a story to tell, for Celestia’s sake! I’m sick of you cretins!!! Um, disregard that. So, let me start from the beginning, as is traditional. So yes, unlike you, I was indeed taken aback by my unexpected infatuation with our dear cowpony in question. As you probably know, Applejack and I did not always get along. Let’s face it, I wasn’t very appreciative of her rustic nature, but after the fateful sleepover at Twilight’s house, we became very good friends, and we learned to accept our disparities in personality and lifestyle. That was not how this little romance of ours begins. On the contrary, my infatuation began only a few short weeks ago...... ___________________________________________________ Whenever I am not having vivid dreams of delicious food, I have....other dreams. In the past, my partner(s) would often be a knight from fairytales, a strapping lumberjack, or, ugh, Bluuuuueblood (excuse me while I vomit). Vomiting occurs Anyway, while I have had many partners in my dreams, never did I ever expect one of my dear friends to appear. My memory of the first dream in question is a tad hazy, but as I recall, I was locked in an embrace with somepony who was extremely toned. She was holding me tight in her forelegs, and her mane was draped over my shoulder as she bestowed butterfly kisses along my neck. In my dream, this mystery mare backed away in my ecstasy (I know, such a tease); I opened my eyes to discover a golden mane, an orange coat, and the greenest set of eyes staring back at me. Applejack gave me a wink, and just like that, the dream ended. Needless to say, I was incredibly dumbfounded. Never had I pictured any of my friends like that, let alone Applejack. After some contemplation, I decided to dismiss that vivid dream as a side effect of the dinner I had the previous night (the last time I ever let Rainbow Dash talk me into having her precious Buckardi with alfalfa salad). After that, I had no dreams of any romantic sort for at least three nights. I assumed that the one dream would confine itself to one dream and I went to bed expecting no surprises. Oh cruel fate, how nothing goes to plan for this poor girl. In my second dream, the two of us were in a flowery meadow and perched under an oak tree. I was nuzzling Applejack’s neck and she was gently stroking my stomach. Applejack then rose from her position and took off her stetson hat. She gave a warm grin and said, “Here’s a little present for ya, marshmallow.” and she crowned me with her hat. For some inexplicable reason, in my dream, I just became butter. I flew up from my spot and charged toward Applejack in a furiously passionate kiss, the stetson hat flying off my head and getting lost in a sea of daisies. If there’s anything I’m thankful for in life, it’s that Rainbow Dash does not know how to see into people’s dreams. That mare would never let me hear the end of it if she knew what I was dreaming about. It only got worse. Soon, the dreams would become more and more vivid, and the scenarios were becoming less of what you would call “fluff” and more akin to that of your so-called “clop”. For example, in my fifth dream about Applejack, I was....constricted (if you will) to my bed. She was looking at me with a predatory smirk and my legs were spread open with everything being exposed. I was panting heavily, having a good idea about what she had planned, and housing a mix of apprehension and excitement. Applejack licked her lips and then, um -OH DEAR SWEET CELESTIA, WHAT AM I DOING???? HOOVES, STOP IT!!!!!!! _____________________________________________ Due to certain carnal impulses that are beyond my control, I have decided to write the rest of this memoir with my quill taped to my hooves. Note to all unicorn writers out there: when you write titillating tales using magic to write, always be mindful of your wandering hooves. Anyway, after that final dream, it became obvious that I could no longer ignore whatever was occurring in my subconscious. I needed advice from somepony who had years of experience in the psychological sciences and could accurately pinpoint what had caused my brain to wander into such devious domain. However, that is really expensive. So I just decided to talk to Pinkie Pie.
A Prelude of Sorts....Rainbow Dash and I trotted to the library to have Twilight draft a contract in order to solidify our wager. I, of course, found the idea of the necessity of something so official to be ludicrous, but Dash was insistent. So I played along. If I could get Rainbow to serenade Fluttershy in two weeks, it would be worth it. My head was positively spinning! After such an eventful and enlightening morning, I couldn’t wait to get started on my plot (no, not that one). Although, while my head was mainly spinning from the excitement of the prospects of a new relationship, it also had to do with the...well, bizarre new information I had to process. I frankly just didn’t predict that one morning, I would go from having nasty dreams about one of my friends to being prepared to start a relationship with her. Beyond that: I would have never predicted that Applejack was into mares. I know that she’s an incredibly rustic, rough and’ tumbling cowpony, but SURPRISE SURPRISE: I am not the type who applies such stereotypes to a pony’s persuasion. As Rainbow and I got closer to the library, I decided to ask about what was running through my mind. “AJ? Yeah, she’s always been into mares. Apparently, she realized it when she was just a blank flank.” You can just go ahead and add that to the list of things I did not expect to hear. “My word. Was her family outraged?” “That’s mighty presumptuous, Ms. Rarity.” Rainbow and I turned to see none other than Big Macintosh. Son of a...... Rainbow was rubbing her neck, I was just stammering, and both of us were shying away sheepishly. For the first time in my life, I saw Big Mac offer a facial expression something other than his usual stoicism. He raised an eyebrow in suspicion. With yours truly continuing her stammering, Rainbow finally managed to say something. “Erm...hey, Big Macintosh. We weren’t just talking about Applejack being a fillyfooler.” Hey Rainbow Dash, if you ever read this, I just want you to know that you are, and always shall be, the most incompetent moron I have ever been associated with. Brava, really, brava. If you haven’t guessed by now, the running theme of this particular passage is “things I could not have foreseen”. In keeping with that, I was astonished to hear Big Mac’s response. “Well, that’s mighty hurtful language yer usin’, RD.” He replied with a slight grimace. Remember when I said literally 200 words ago that I was not the type of pony who believes in various stereotypes? Well, I’m going to have to contradict myself. I’m sure a good number of you out there saw the close-knit farmer familial lifestyle of the Apples and assumed them to be of a more conservative nature. I mean, it’s a natural assumption, right? RIGHT? Regardless, although I was surprised by Big Mac’s response, it was a pleasant surprise. “Why, Big Macintosh, it’s nice to see somepony like you detested by such slurs.” Big Mac gave a nod. “Eeyup. T’aint mah place to be usin’ that kinda cussin. Ah know Ah seem pretty simple to y’all, but just know that hate ain’t no Apple Family value.” Rainbow started to get defensive. “What the hay? What does that make me?” “Now, now, Rainbow Dash, calm down. I’m certain that those of your orientation have proprietary use of that word.” “You’re darn right we....wait, we do? Aw sweet! I gotta tell AJ!” Ahh, Rainbow Dash; can’t read sarcasm to save your life. Never change, darling. Anyway, Big Macintosh was able to get back to his original talking point...eventually. If you haven’t noticed by now, I and my friends have a nasty habit of getting horribly off track in conversations. It must be painful to read. Ah well, you’re still here. Moving on. “Um, if it ain’t to pryin’ of me, may Ah ask why y’all’re talkin’ ‘bout what mah little sis does behind closed doors?” Just like that, things took a turn for the awkward once again. Something tells me that Big Macintosh wouldn’t appreciate the fact that Rainbow and I were making her sister a cog in our wager. However, Rainbow, thinking on her hooves (for once), managed to cover up the truth with another truth. “Oh, well you see, Big Mac: Um, a few years ago, Applejack and I used to, kinda, um...mess around?” Mac nodded. “Eeyup, knew that.” For once today, Rainbow got a taste of shock. Palpitating, she stammered, “Huh, what, hum...” “Aw, come on, RD, t’aint like you two hid it well. Ah was findin’ blue feathers in the barn or in Applejack’s mane alot. Not to mention the time I caught y’all making out in the Whitetail woods.” Rainbow rubbed her neck and tried to make out a reply. Meanwhile, I felt completely foolish. I pride myself on being in the know on all the delicious gossip in Ponyville, and yet THAT slipped by me? “What happened to you two, anyway? Things kina fizzle out?” Rainbow managed to get past her embarrassment and reply, “Yeah, you could say that. It doesn’t matter, I have...somepony else in mind.” Rainbow’s speech started to drift away into murmuring as she wandered off into her thoughts. It was heartwarming due to how smitten she was by Fluttershy, but at the same time, unsettling because I had no idea to what dark corners her mind was wandering to. Big Macintosh raised an eyebrow, but ultimately shook off Rainbow’s oddity. “Aw well, that’s a shame. Applejack hasn’t found somepony else I’m afraid.” In good time, Mac. Oooh, in good time indeed...... Big Mac sighed, “Either way, good luck Rainbow Dash. I’m sure whoever y’all got your sights on will be very happy. Ladies.” He turned into the opposite direction and we waved him goodbye. As we started back on our path to the library, we were stopped again by Mac himself, who called out, “Hey RD!” Rainbow turned around midair to see Big Mac in the distance. “Can you tell Fluttershy I said hey?” Rainbow didn’t know how to respond. She went back to stammering incoherently. I grinned slyly and answered for her. “Oh we certainly will, Big Macintosh. Toodles.” Seeming pleased, Big Mac grinned, turned around, and went about his merry way. Once he was out of earshot, I looked to Rainbow Dash, whose countenance resembled a combination of trepidation and indignation. “It would seem that Penelope has other fair suitors, ay Odysseus?” “If that’s some kind of egghead crack, I don’t wanna hear it!” “Would you care to call off this silly wager and just ask Fluttershy out and leave Applejack to my own devices?” “Oh I see, trying to weasel out of our agreement, huh? Hay no! Fluttershy can wait! I am not backing out of six months of free hemlock! C’mon, let’s get to Twilight’s!” Rainbow (literally) dashed off to the library; I, elegantly trotting behind. ________________________________________________________________ Rainbow and I decided against getting into the details with Twilight. I opted to simply write out the contract myself. As I did my task, Rainbow and Twilight were prattling on about their silly Daring Do fandom (they call themselves “Doers”) I, with my superb multitasking, was able to recall what they said: “So Rainbow, do you want a copy of this month’s FanFic magazine?” “Ugh, I’m so sick of that thing. The stories are terrible.” “Look I know it can get a little saturated with 2nd-pony stories with Daring, but...” “Not those, I don’t mind those. It’s just a lot of these writers who I really liked betrayed me!” “Betrayed you?” “Yes! Betrayed me!” “Tell me, how does a fanfic writer betray you?” Rainbow took the magazine and began to browse through until she found the passage she was looking for. “Look at that, “Like Glue” by Souldin.” “I thought you really liked that one.” “Yeah, I DID, but then he jumped the carp with the ending.” “Shark.” “Not hungry. The ending was really bad!” Twilight facehooved on that “not hungry” quip before sighing and replying, “What’s wrong with it?” “Isn’t it obvious? Daring and Zathura don’t get together in the end!” There was a brief silence. Twilight then snickered as she retorted, “Seriously? That’s your issue?” “Hay yeah it is! Souldin was building up Zathura’s love for Daring the whole time, and then he just ends it with them being friends!” “Um, Earth to Rainbow: “Like Glue” takes place between books. It wouldn’t make sense for Souldin to write that they get together.” “I don’t care! I want my DarThura!” “And if my memory is correct, in entirety of the story, Souldin writes Daring as sexually and romantically oblivious, how in the world was he going to logically insert a romantic ending?” “I want my DarThura!” “Isn’t the journey more important than the destination, anyway?” “DARTHURA!!!!!” “You’re hopeless.” Reading “Daring Do” may not have turned Rainbow Dash into an egghead, but she did turn into a mighty nerd. Anyway, I finished writing the contract and handed it over to Rainbow to read over. Twilight took a peep and raised her eyebrow. “This? This is what you guys are wagering over?” “You bet!” Rainbow grabbed one of Twilight’s quills with her mouth and put her Smart Cookie on the dotted line. “Oh come now Twilight, you’re not offended are you?” I took the quill and wrote my signature. “Offended? No! I just think this is really stupid to bet over, not to mention risky. Playing with Applejack’s feelings could have some serious consequences, Rarity. You are getting into some really dangerous liaisons.” “Twilight, there are two problems with that. One: whatever happens over the next two weeks are not “liaisons” as Rainbow and I are not co-conspiring on what I have planned with Applejack.” “Yeah, if anything, Twilight, I’m gonna try my hardest to stop whatever it is Rarity has planned.” “Second: these machinations I have in store aren’t the least bit dangerous. I mean, Pinkie told me herself that Applejack likes me, so however this plays out, the foregone conclusion is that I will give a relationship with her the old college try.” THUD. “You’re what.......” The three of us turned to the doorway of the staircase to see Spike. He had dropped the groceries he had purchased from the market. All of us were rubbing our necks, and Twilight’s eyes widened as she stammered out, “Oh Spike, uh, um, you see.....” Like. A. Bitch.
....To The MadnessHey guys, sorry this one took a while. I’ve been trying to rack my brain around how I want to finish “All in the Family” and...wait, this is author’s notes, right? Fuck! Hold on a second, guys, I’m gonna fix this... (Transition is transition) Now, as I had stated before, Spike cried like a bitch. It took all the collective strength of myself, Twilight, and Rainbow Dash not to laugh in his face, but we managed to feign discretion. So now with our silly wager officially bound by contract, Rainbow and I decided to part ways outside of Twilight’s library. Dash was bearing a heightened version of her typical cocky, confident extroversion. “You are going DOWN, Rarity!” “And just what exactly do you plan on doing to obstruct my plans?” Rainbow’s expression went completely blank. “I’m uhh, not sure...BUT, I’m still gonna win this bet!” I promptly rolled my eyes. “Dash, really, is six months of hemlock really worth stalling on your true happiness?” Dash rolled her eyes (the nerve of her!). “Ugh, will you lay off, Rarity? I really don’t see why you care so much about my freaking love life.” “Oh, come now, Rainbow Dash. Is it not obvious? I just adore budding romances, and you and Fluttershy will just look positively adorable together.” Rainbow proceeded to facehoof and let out an annoyed groan (again, the nerve of her!). “Here’s an idea, Rarity, how about worrying about your own maybe-relationship instead of mine!” “My what now?” It then dawned on me: Applejack was partially cast to the back of my mind for a little while. Looking back on what I’ve written, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy seemed to have eaten up my story so far. Realizing what my first priority was, I snapped back into action. “Very well, Rainbow Dash, I’ll let it alone. I’ll let you leave it to fate...for now. However, at the end of this two weeks, once I seduce Applejack, and WILL seduce Applejack, you will be asking out our timid companion.” “Which reminds me...” Rainbow picked up a pebble and threw it at the library’s second story window. Twilight peeked her head outside. The sounds of Spike’s bitchisms resonating inside. “Hey Rainbow, you forget something?” “Yeah. Twilight, what does “serenading with a sonnet mean?” Twilight tried to contain her snickering, but Dash was growing impatient. “Hey! Spill it, egghead! What does it mean?” “I-(snicker)-I’m sorry Rainbow. It’s just..” Twilight took deep breath to regain her composure. She cleared her throat and explained, “You see, Rainbow: a sonnet basically means a “little song”, and to “serenade” means to sing a light composition in somepony’s honor. This means if Rarity wins your asinine bet, then you have ask out Fluttershy in the form of an embarrasingly sappy love song.” Rainbow froze up completely. Her eyes widened and her teeth gritted. I couldn’t help but giggle. Without saying anything, she bolted off to parts unknown. Twilight and I just stood there in silence (you know, aside from Bitch-boy’s crying), before she broke the tension. “You think she went to forfeit the bet and ask Fluttershy out now?” “Well, we can only hope that’s the case, huh?” “To be honest, I don’t think Rainbow is right for Fluttershy. Big Mac is nice quiet pony, and he seems pretty interested in Flutter-AHHH!” I’m sorry, but when somepony spouts impudent gall like that, they desperately need a good old fashioned rock to the face. Not apologizing for my remedy to Twilight’s insane ramblings, I decided to go ahead with my plans to swoon my cowpony and walked away. Briskly trotting toward Sweet Apple Acres, nothing was going to get in my way. I was confident that Applejack had cooled down from our encounter earlier in the day. She was in the barn talking, apparently greeting, and seemed to be in good spirits. I was going to come inside, but then I heard who she was talking to. “Well howdy, Rainbow Dash. What brings you ‘round here?” Everything inside of me contracted. What was Dash doing there? Surely, she should have been on her way to Fluttershy’s? What in Smooze’s glorious name was going on? Resisting the urge to barge in, I instead found a glory-hole in the wall of the barn. It gave me a good peeping view inside. (Just ignore the fact that I was using a glory hole). “Rainbow, are you alright, you look pretty tense.” “Applejack, we gotta get back together!” “Uhh...care to elaborate?” “No time! JUST KISS ME!!!” Without waiting for reciprocation, Rainbow dived down from midair and planted a French kiss onto Applejack. On a side-note, would any of you out there be so kind as to explain to me what “French” is. Is that a human thing, or am I THAT out of the loop in Equestrian culture? Regardless, I was rather ambivalent about what I was witnessing. On the one hand, I was rightly incensed by Rainbow’s actions. That coward was trying to sabotage both the bet and two potential relationships in order to avoid mild humiliation. On the other hand...come now, let’s be honest: show of hands for anyone who has not pictured Rainbow and Applejack together in a lewd context? Nobody? I thought so. Needless to say, the rational and carnal parts of my brain were struggling to find consensus, so ultimately, I just chose to stare in stunned silence. Applejack pulled away from Rainbow’s advance. “Whew-nelly, Rainbow. Y’all went ahead and pounced, I tell you what!” “So will you go out with me again?” Applejack raised her eyebrow. “Not entirely sure what’s bringing this on, but I’m gonna have to go ahead and say no.” “UGGH!” Dash descended to the floor and presented her-uh...self. “Here, get on your knees, the spark will come back, won’t it?” As enraged as I was-not just for myself, but for Fluttershy-I secretly hoped Applejack would get on her knees and do some good old fashioned “provocative praise”. Perhaps Dash would break out a riding saddle and invite me for some kinky role play....no, wait-scratch that. That would be silly. “Rainbow, what in tarnation has gotten into you? I thought we agreed we weren’t right for each other!” “Look, I don’t care! Please get back with me!!!!” Applejack extended a hoof to Rainbow’s shoulder. “Come on sugarcube, what’s up? Filly trouble?” “Yes! I mean-No! Yes, no, maybe so!” Applejack let out a hearty chuckle. “Say no more, darling? What, did Fluttershy tell you she wasn’t interested?” I would be hard pressed to find anypony who didn’t see the signs clearly. Dash tensed up and recoiled before outbursting, “Shut up! What? No! I mean...I don’t know what you’re talking about!” “So...yes or no?” “I don’t feel that way about her!” AJ grinned the smuggest of grins (at this point, that’s her specialty). “Let me ask you, Rainbow. How many times this month have you clopped to Fluttershy’s model pictures?” Dash let out a sigh, hung her head low and blurted, “Twelve.” In Rainbow’s defense, we’ve all done it. I don’t care if you’re a stallion, mare, colt, filly, human-at some point, you all have played a solo in your nethers to an image of my canary-colored friend. You should be rightly ashamed. After Rainbow’s admission, Applejack chuckled once more. “So do you mind telling me what’s goin’ on, Rainbow?” Rainbow sighed. “Look, I know everypony knows how I feel...except I don’t know how she feels about me.” “Oooookay, so why don’t you just go up to her and ask?” “I CAN’T DO THAT!!!!! I mean...what if that ruins our friendship?” YOU HYPORCRITE!!! YOU CELESTIA-DAMN HYPOCRITE!!! NUT THE HAY UP AND ASK HER OUT ALREADY!!!!! Terribly sorry about that. Even when I’m writing about it, I get greatly incensed. “Well, Rainbow, you and I had a wild experiment bein’ a couple ‘n all, and we turned out pretty cool.” “It’s different, AJ. We had only known each other for like a day when we first hooked up. It was easier for us to be just be friends after it fizzled-out. Fluttershy’s my oldest friend, and she’s pretty sensitive. Let’s face it, AJ, I don’t think she has your resilience.” “You still tryin’ to hit on me?” “Is it working?” “Nnnope.” “Damnit.” She said, muttering under her breath. Applejack chuckled once more. “Come on, Rainbow: what’s a daring pony like you doin’ bein’ so evasive?” Rainbow gulped. “If you tell anypony this, I will kill you.” “Well, you ain’t strong enough to pull that off, but I assure you, my lips’re sealed.” Rainbow sighed. “I’m...scared.” I have no idea how Applejack maintained her composure, because outside the barn, I was in utter hysterics. It’s very convenient that those two didn’t hear me from the inside. Applejack nuzzled Rainbow. “You, scared? I doubt that very much.” “Well, I am, AJ. I’m not really good with the sappy crap with anypony. I’ve only been able to do that kind of crap with you because...well, we’ve done things that transcend barriers like that.” “Heh heh. I’ll say.” Applejack licked her lips. Pardon the crude vernacular, but: Dat Lick. “So yeah. How am I supposed to get close to Fluttershy if I can’t let down my walls?” Applejack’s reassuring smile faded. “You know, Rainbow, I don’t really have the answer to that. I kinda have my own problem with that.” “Yeah, I’ll say.” Rainbow grinned ever so smugly. “Let’s not forget your need for cider before we ever hit the sack.” AJ rolled her eyes. “Shut the hay up, I’m getting better at it. Look, the point is, I think everypony has these anxieties about being close to somepony they really, REALLY like.” Rainbow proceeded to give herself a knowing nod. She coyly replied, “Oh my AJ, have you found somepony else you want to rut?” “Buck you, Rainbow, but I’ll humor y’all.” She sighed deeply. “It’s Rarity.” Rainbow’s continued her sarcastic front. “Oh really?” (snicker) “I never would have guessed.” “You better not be tellin’ anypony, y’hear?” “Come on AJ, it’s me. That’s not going to stop me from making fun of you, though. For starters: talk about a downgrade. I mean, you move from yours truly to Rarity of all ponies.” Well buck you too, Rainbow. AJ rolled her eyes. “I don’t expect you to get it. To be honest, I can’t really explain it, either.” “Say no more. I don’t know what part of my brain really wants somepony like Fluttershy so badly, and frankly, I don’t really want to know.” “We got the worst luck when it comes to pickin’ mares, huh?” “You said it.” The two shared a good laugh before sighing. Rainbow was the first to speak again. “For what it’s worth, I really hope you can get the courage to ask her out, AJ. Nothing could make me happier than to see you happy....I’ll kill you if you tell anypony I said that. You know that, right?” “Of course, Dash. And let me just say that I wish you the best of luck with Fluttershy. Hopefully, y’all can get that famous “Rainbow Dash” swagger back.” Rainbow grinned. “Heh, don’t worry about me, AJ. Swagger’s a lot like a dog. Sometimes, it wanders away, but it always makes its way back home.” “...and then dies around the age of 15?” “What the hay, AJ?” “Hey, I’m just sayin’. If you’re gonna use a simile, it should thoroughly make sense. I’ve got this one about being sisters and how it’s like apple pie that’ll knock your socks off. Care to stick around and hear it?” Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I think I’ll pass.” AJ chuckled. “Suit yourself.” She planted a kiss on Rainbow’s cheek. “Take care of yourself, Rainbow. Get that swagger back.” Dash beamed. “You know it.” She made her way to the door before turning around. “Hey AJ, when all of this is said and done, and we do end up with ‘Shy and Rarity, would you be interested in a...um...well, a-” “Menage-a-quatre?” she interjected with a smirk. “Well, I was gonna say “daisy chain”, but yeah, yours sounds classier.” “Well sugarcube, if’n Rare’s okay with it, I just might call you two over for a little roll in the hay.” “Sweet! I can buy a riding saddle, and we could all take turns-” “Rainbow, I told you a million times already. That is the dumbest thing ever. EVER.” Rainbow shrugged. “You never know.” “Yes I do: dumb.” AJ deadpanned. “Buck you.” Dash exited the barn. I made my way from the vicinity before either of them spotted me. I decided against going to Applejack for now, because I came up with a new plan. It appeared that Rainbow was still willing to let the bet carry out, so I still had figure out how to have AJ come to me. Thankfully, Rainbow gave me the perfect inspiration (the fool). Never before had I seen Applejack so intimate or transparent with somepony else-Rainbow flipping Dash of all ponies, mind you. I realized that AJ can better approach a pony when said pony is in a vulnerable state. So, all I needed to do was figure out how to get myself into a physically/mentally/emotionally compromising state in order for Applejack to swoop in and open up to, and I believed I had the perfect state in mind. First: I would need loads and loads of hemlock.
Lazarus Ain't Got Shit on This Resurrection“I am terribly sorry to burst your bubble, but I do not sell hemlock. T’would be too much trouble.” Essentially, I went into that filthy, scary forest for nothing. Resisting the urge to say that, I replied, “Is that so? I could have sworn that you were Ponyville’s connection to the stuff.” Zecora arched an eyebrow. “I must ask how you came to that conclusion, and how it became your reason for intrusion.” “Well, as you no-doubt could tell, I require some hemlock, and I inferred that you would be in that particular industry.” “To guess, if I might: it is because of my experience in botany, right?” I nodded. “Would you, by chance, know who the town’s actual dealer is?” Zecora smiled and nodded. “I know who works in the illicit trade, although the answer is a surprising one in...daaeed?” ...Was she forreal? That expression is correct, correct? for-real? Regardless, I called Zecora out on the forced rhyme, to which she sighed. “Constant rhyming is a difficult feat. Certain mistakes are bound to repeat.” “Could you possibly point to me in the direction of some hemlock.” I said, attempting to return the conversation to productivity. Zecora rolled her eyes (bitch) and went pointed out the window to the meadow outside of the forest, “The home of the hemlock mare is northwest over there.” I trotted to the window and looked out, I didn’t see anything out of the usual out in the meadow. Confused, I turned to Zecora. “Darling, I must say, I am rather confused. There doesn’t seem to be anything out there other than Fluttershy’s cott—” ...Well, shit. *** Was I really going to do this? Fluttershy clearly did not want us, her closest friends, to know of her workings in such an insidious trade. Otherwise, she would have least told moi at one of our weekly spa dates. Oh dear, this was simply horrible! Fluttershy—dear, sweet, sexy Fluttershy—was dealing hemlock! The scandal! The audacity! Whatever caused her to turn to this life? My heart was pulsating as I approached the door to her cottage. I knew I had to go to her to get my hemlock, but... ...I couldn’t do it! Damn my plans, I simply couldn’t knock on that door and confront dear Fluttershy on this. It wasn’t my place! Besides, couldn’t you just imagine the scandal involved if I was caught buying hemlock? Why, the tabloids would have a field day! Promising Fashionista Caught in Drug Bust. I’m too pretty to go to jail! I DON’T WANNA BE SOMEPONY’S BITCH!!!— “Um... Rarity?” Snapping back to reality, I looked to see that Fluttershy was standing in the open doorway. Sweet Celestia, Rarity. Get your shit together! You know, maybe if you didn’t spend so much time going off on these bizarre tangents, you’d actually be able to make some progress on this stupid memoir! I’m taking my own advice! Moving on! I saw Fluttershy standing at the door. Shocked, I cleared my throat and hastily tried to explain my presence. “F-fluttershy! Why, how lovely it is to see you. You see, I was just in the neighborhood, and—” It was then that I was tackled to the ground in a massive Flutterhug (the bucking ground). “Oh, Rarity! I never thought I’d see you again!” ...Okay, this was getting confusing. “Fluttershy, darling, whatever do you mean? I just saw you yesterday.” “Hey, Shy, who is that?” Coming out the door was Rainbow Dash, whose eyes widened immensely. “Rarity! Where the hay have you been?!” Okay, seriously, what was going on? “Girls, whatever is going on? Rainbow Dash, I just saw you at Sweet Apple Acres no later than an hour ago!” Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy looked to each other in utter confusion. Fluttershy got off of me and allowed me to stand. I really needed a rigorous spa day after getting tackled to the ground not once, but twice in the span of a day! “...Rarity?” Rainbow Dash asked rather hesitantly. “What did you do today?” I snorted. “Well, I hardly understand why you would need a refresher, Rainbow Dash, but I suppose I’ll indulge you.” Making the obvious mental note to omit anything pertaining to our wager (keep in mind, Fluttershy was standing with us), I began, “Well, I woke up and made my way to Sugarcube Corner, where I had a rather nasty bump with Applejack. It was quite the coincidence, considering I had been having these rather lewd dreams about her and... why ever are you two staring at me like that?” Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash looked at me as if they had seen a ghost. After a rather pregnant pause, Rainbow spoke up. “Rarity... that was four months ago.” Okay, I realize this is going to sound absolutely mad, but I swear to Luna, I heard a record scratch in the distance. The amount of what-the-fuckery was skyrocketing. “Rainbow Dash, whatever are you saying?” “I’M SAYING YOU’VE BEEN GONE FOR FOUR FLIPPIN’ MONTHS!!!!” I wasn’t exactly sure of what to say. I looked to Fluttershy, and then Rainbow Dash... and then made another meeting with the ground. *** Okay, now I was in a hospital. My stars, I was dizzy. Many ponies were surrounding my bed; Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Applejack (it appeared as though she was crying, the poor dear), Sweetie Belle, Mother, Father (oh shit, they were crying as well, Applejack too. What in blue blazes happened?), and Discord... wait, what the fuck? “She’s coming to!” Twilight announced to the group. All eyes were upon me as I shook off my dizziness. “W-why am I in a hospital?” “Oh, Rarity.” Fluttershy said. “You passed out when we told you that you were missing for four months.” “We thought you were dead, baby.” Mother tearfully told me. Everypony nodded when she said that. My eyes widened. “W-what? But... I could have sworn everything that had happened happened. The dreams! The apple cart! Sugarcube Corner! The Library! The glory hole!” “Those all happened, Rar—wait, the glory hole?” Twilight said, arching an eyebrow before shaking it off. “Nevermind. Those all happened, Rarity. They happened four months ago. Nopony’s seen you since you left the library.” Pinkie was kind enough to splash some cold water on my face after I fainted again. “But that’s impossible! How can this be! Where have I been!” Twilight’s eyes narrowed. “That’s what we’re trying to get him to explain!” Everypony turned Discord, who was standing to my very right and chuckling. “Oh, Twilight Sparkle, you’ve always been quite the little scholar. Always hungry for information and enlightenment. Sometimes violently so!” Discord smirked. “It’s quite erotic, if you ask me.” Well, it’s nice to know that somepony else sees into the erotic subtext of Twilight’s being as I do. “We ain’t lookin’ for games, Discord!” Applejack threatened through her gritted teeth. “Now you tell us where the hay she’s been!” Discord sighed. “Oh, poo-poo to you, Applejack. Never the type for any fun and games. Very well.” Discord then placed a pair of thick-rimmed glasses on his face. “Professor Discord will explain everything.”
Professor Discord Explains AllGreetings, boys and girls! It is I, Professor Discord! It's true. I *am** that handsome.* Now, many of you are most likely very curious as to why this story has been inactive for, oh... say, four months, and what this has to do with Rarity being missing for that length of time. Well, I can explain everything. Not only do I have a Ph.D. in Chaos, but I also acquired a Masters in Western Pony Literature (Wake Forest. Class of '97. Go Deacs!). Anyway, as I was saying, the lack of activity in this story and Rarity's absence are inter-mingled. You see, as it turns out, Rarity is not the writer of this memoir. I know, I know. It's quite the twist. It appears that there's an entity who has been controlling Rarity's actions and thoughts from the very start of this story. That entity is this bipedal monster!!! Research indicates that this gentleman is a spastic, horny jackass who spends most of his time kissing the ass of more talented writers and yelling at people. Thus, all of this chaos in this story has been caused by this man's insanity. He used Rarity as a vessel for that insanity, which is why she went from being this sophisticated, chaste lady into an crazy, cursing bitch. This also explains the bizzare, fourth wall breaks and humor. However, this deviant soon grew very bored with this universe, and he abandoned it; leaving it without a god. What's worse? Why, this devilish fiend not only left, but he took Rarity with her. As such, while the rest of this world moved and returned to normalcy, Rarity sifted through the space between spaces in a bizzare, limbo state. In any ordinary case of Pony Literature, when a universe like this is abandoned, it simply withers away and dies, forgotten. However, this freak recently, out-of-the-blue decided to return to this realm, plopping Rarity right into the the present time. So now, the original framing device and plot have been thrown for a loop. Essentially, the writer both put this story back on track, and derailed it completely. Where does this story go from here? Only he knows, and keep in mind, he's a fickle troll who very likely really hates his readers. In short: anything can happen. Now, this is the real explanation that I am giving to you, the reader. I gave a completely different explanation to everypony in the hospital. If you were to tell these characters that they were... well, characters in a story, their brains would implode. So what do they believe is the reason for Rarity's disappearance? GOBLINS
Awakenings and A-WageringsNow, Pinkie is not exactly the ideal type to go to for romantic advice. However, considering my options, I did not have much of a choice. I decided against Twilight because that filly has the worst luck when it comes to keeping secrets (Pinkie told me about how she tried to keep Spike’s not-too-secret infatuation to herself. I now have a growing paranoia that Pinkie is stalking all of us at every turn.). She would also most likely try to turn this into an experiment, and I cannot articulate how little I want these dreams of mine to be used by Twilight for her own devious reasons (then again, that’s probably what a psychologist would have done, so nuts to psychology). For obvious reasons, I could not consult Applejack. However, beyond that this is about her, Applejack tends to be quite, skittish, when it comes to topics of a titillating type. During the infamous sleepover at Twilight’s house, after AJ and I reconciled our differences, we decided to give truth or dare another try. The topics for truth took a racy turn (courtesy of yours truly) and when it came time for Applejack to answer something as simple as with whom did she have her first kiss, we had to practically chain her to the floor to keep her from dashing out into the night. I know what you’re thinking, “ooh, Rarity, that’s out of character for Applejack, she’s the element of honesty, blah blah blaaaah!!”. Look I don’t know what to tell you, other than that the Elements of Harmony, to us at least, are just magic stones that shoot rainbows to make villains go away. Whatever element we happen to be honestly doesn’t have any bearing on how the six of us behave or go about our lives. So I’m capable of being selfish, Fluttershy is capable of being nasty or rude, and yes, Applejack is capable of lying. Terribly sorry to “burst” anyone’s “bubble”. Fluttershy should be fairly self-explanatory. That pony is afraid of her own shadow. Trying to extract advice from her about my sordid lucid dreams would be a frustrating ordeal. It’s a shame too; it could have made for delicious spa talk. Rainbow Dash would (1)-Most likely laugh at the dreams I’m having, (2)-Be far too casual about it. More than being brash, Dash lacks any tact whatsoever. If I were to explain my predicament to our pegasus friend, she would (after guffawing for an hour) probably tell me to go to Sweet Apple Acres and pounce on Applejack as if she was my prey in the wild. The great irony being that Rainbow Dash would suggest this as option A for yours truly, but that she can’t seem to get the nerve to ask Fluttershy out on a date (but we’ll touch upon that later, wink). Spike? He would cry like a bitch. I know that’s brutish malediction on my part, but I would say that’s a fairly concise explanation. Spike would cry like a little bitch. So given my limited options, Pinkie was the only sensible option. As, well, unhinged as that filly is, she is probably the most trustworthy out of my friends, what with her Pinkie promises and all. I could count on her to keep my predicament to her pink-self. Who knows, perhaps she could lend some valuable advice (perhaps being the keyword, here). Setting out to Sugarcube Corner, I made it my mission not to be sidetracked by any interlopers. So naturally, I just had to bump into Applejack. And it wasn’t so much bump, as it was crash. Of course, I’m getting way ahead of myself, so perhaps I should back things up a bit. I was trotting to Sugarcube Corner with my eyes darted in said direction. As previously mentioned, I made my way forward determined not to get distracted by anything else. So naturally, I did not notice until it was far too late that a cart of fruit was right in my path. After experiencing a thunderous crash, I awoke from a hazy bump on the head. Confused as to where I was, I opened my eyes to find I was lying down in the town square just down the street from Sugarcube Corner. There was something else, however, that had reign of my attention: something that I was perched on top of, something that was firm, something that was warm, orange, APPLEJACK!!! Oh! Curse such an awkward (not to mention, contrived) coincidence. Here I am, having all these sultry dreams about my rustic friend, and now here she was, helping me act out one of those very fantasies (number 4 to be exact. I remember that, because in all the other ones, I’m on bottom). Needless to say, I was embarrassed beyond belief. I had to play it cool, otherwise, I might let something slip. “Uh-ah...Applejack, how are you this fine day?” If there was anything redder than a red delicious or any of my various scarlet gowns, it was Applejack’s face. AJ’s chest (and by extension, myself) was rising up and down with her heavy breathing and furious palpitations. I was shocked to say the least. This couldn’t mean what I thought it meant. I tried to break the tension. “Um, Applejack, are you feeling alright? You’re positively red all over!” Okay, obviously I wasn’t really trying that hard, but everything was so sudden! AJ’s pupils shrunk as the rest of her eyes widened. Next thing I know, she’s shoving me off of herself onto the ground. I touched the dirt! Honest-to-Celestia dirt! Regardless of the context, I was furious at that filly for bucking me on the Celestia-damned mother-bucking ground!!! Wow, where did that come from? Most unladylike. Terribly sorry. Moving on! As I was saying, I was rather upset with Applejack, who had distanced herself a good ten feet away from where I was lying (the bucking ground!) and was standing fully erect. More than upset, I was absolutely livid. “How dare you, Applejack? How could you buck me onto the ground? The ground of all places!” Applejack didn’t say anything for what became a very long silence. The awkwardness was only exemplified when AJ finally managed to open her mouth and she let out something that somepony might call a mix of a record scratch and a griffon’s shriek. I was so baffled that I couldn’t even respond to it before Applejack started to run away. I raised my hoof and cried out, “AJ, darling, come back! What’s the matter?” No avail. In hindsight, it seemed silly that I did not fully realize what was going through that pony’s head. All I was thinking at the time was that somepony else probably needed their head checked by Pinkie (I never thought I would have ever had to write those words in that sequence). Regardless, I got on my hooves, inspected myself fervently for any dirt (I appeared fine, either way, I would need the usual at the spa, better safe than unsanitary) and trotted my way to Sugarcube Corner, thankfully without any further distractions. __________________________________________ It’s a shame, I was hoping for Pinkie to pull out her fortune teller persona when I consulted her about my dreams. Twilight told me about her experience with “Madame Pinkie” a little over a year ago, and it got me intrigued. The idea of Pinkie bedizened in some gaudy Saddle-Arabian garments while waving her hooves around a crystal orb and making exaggerated theremin sounds with her mouth puts a smile to my face. What do get to the contrary? Pinkie’s persona on this day was somepony in a dull grey suit and and an ugly, white beard (not a fan of beards, sue me). She was also speaking in a hokey and frankly ugly accent that she insisted was real and was called “Austrian”. If those of you on the so-called “internet” could please help me out, I would be eternally grateful, because I have no idea what she was talking about. Then again, I never understand what goes on with that filly’s mind so, you know what? Disregard what I said. I don’t need your help: I’m chalking it up to “It’s Pinkie Pie”. Anyway, as disappointed as I was in Pinkie’s choice of persona, our actual dialogue went along surprisingly productively...... _____________________________________ (I’ll spare you the annoyance of having to read and me the pain of having to write out Pinkie’s accented speaking.) “Rarity. In my medical opinion...” “You are not a medical professional.” “Well, I guess you don’t want my advice then.” Pinkie made a melodramatic huff and turned away. “Wait, wait, I’m sorry. I do. I really want your advice on this, please, you’re the only one I can turn to, frankly.” She turned around with a gleaming in her eyes, clearly about to cry. “Really? You mean it? Pinkie swear?” She extended her hoof. “Pinkie swear.” I bro-hoofed her back. Pinkie then proceeded to let out a fountainous stream of tears. Oh, what I would give to be able to cry on cue like that; not to mention, her ability to immediately bounce back into her bubbly self. With skills like that, I could be a famous actress and be beloved by all of Equestria. I could then go to my parents and finally tell them, “Ha! I never needed your love! Whadya think about that, Mom, you cold, neglectful whore!!” I sincerely hope my family never reads this. Then again, on the off-chance they would discover this log, they would probably forget it the next day like the dim drunkards that they are....ROMANCE!!! I AM TALKING ABOUT ROMANCE!!!!! CONVERSATION WITH PINKIE PIE!!!! NO MORE TANGENTS!!!! Pinkie proceeded to jump into her “thinking” pose. It was amazing, she did a backflip right from her chair and plopped back into the exact same spot now in that serious, contemplative mien. All these talents she has, and yet she still works as a baker’s apprentice, what a shame. Buck it. It’s Pinkie. After spending a minute in thought, a light bulb appeared above Pinkie’s head, and I’m not speaking metaphorically either. I’ll leave that to your imagination. “Rarity, in my medical opinion...” “You’re-uh, nevermind.” “In my medical opinion, you should ask Applejack out on a date.” I forgot to mention earlier, but the two of us were having some tea with our conversation, and I was taking a sip of mine. You can imagine what happened next, and I’ll give you one good guess as to where the piping hot tea went. After a quick trip to urgent care, Pinkie Pie (now blindfolded by bandages) reiterated her solution to my predicament. Having been given time to consider her answer, I was able to conjure-up an eloquent, articulate, and above all, mature rebuttal. “Oh, hay no!” “Aww, why not?” Pinkie sounded rather deflated. She obviously has something in common with you “shippers”. “Pinkie, come on, let’s be realistic. I would never ask out one of my friends and risk such awkwardness. That’s how friendships get ruined.” “Wow Rares, you could not be more wrong.” “And just what would you know about such matters, Rainbow Da-RAINBOW DASH!?” How did I not notice her leaning outside by the open window? That filly couldn’t make a stealthy entrance to save her life! “Oooh, hey Dashie, what’s the haps?” “Err, Pinks, why are you talking to the counter?” Pinkie did a 180 degree turn in her chair to face in Rainbow’s direction. “Tee-hee-hee, sorry Dashie. Rare-rare blinded me and now I can’t see a thing.” “Huh. You seem to be in good spirits about it.” “Well it gives me a chance to throw a “Temporary Blindness” party!” Rainbow and I proceeded to pull off a simultaneous “Facehoof 2X” (only doable in the presence of Pinkie Pie). “Nevermind that. Just what are you doing here Rainbow Dash? How rude of you to eavesdrop on our conversation!” “Hey hey! I was just walking by. It’s not my fault this window was wide open.” Rolling my eyes, I conceded to that fact. “Regardless, what insight do you think you would have on a predicament like this?” “Well as I said earlier, you’re completely wrong when you think a relationship would damage your friendship with AJ.” “Oh and how would you know?” “Um, maybe because AJ and I dated a long time ago.” I wasn’t going to do another spit-take, but rest assured, it was difficult to resist. “How...you, Applejack....what?” “Heh heh, yeah, back when I first moved to Ponyville, I met AJ at the welcoming party that Pinkie threw for me.” Pinkie giggled. “That one was a blast!” I remembered that party. Kind of. You see, Rainbow being a pegasus, Pinkie decided to go for a flight theme. She ended up throwing a “High as a Kite” party. So, yeah, all I can recall is that I consumed more tortilla chips in one night than I ever had in my entire life. “Yeah, yeah; it was classic Pinkie Pie party. So anyway, AJ and I hit it off and so we became marefriends for a little while. It was cool and everything, but after awhile, it just kinda ran out of steam, so we just sorta called it off. Long story short, we’re still tight as ever. So stop being such a foal and just ask AJ out.” This time I was by my lonesome when it came to facehoofing. “Yeah, brilliant idea, Rainbow Dash, except for one thing: how do I know that she would even want to date me?” “Whaddya talking about, Rares? You look good, and you’re not too annoying most of the time. I don’t see why AJ wouldn’t say no if you asked her out.” “Yeah, and besides, Applejack has had a crush on you for a while.” I don’t want to use the phrase “so silent, you could hear a pin drop” because it’s so terribly cliched and tired, but just for the record, that was the perfect description of the scene at Sugarcube Corner after that particular outburst by our Pink compatriot. “Well, I wasn’t expecting that.” Rainbow replied in a genuinely shocked tone. I, on the other hoof, forgot what words were. In lieu of diction, Dash and Pinkie were treated to yours truly stammering and blinking profusely in an over-exaggerated manner that, in some Canterlot theatres, would be touted as masterful performance art. Rainbow swooped into the interior of Sugarcube Corner and poured unto me a bucket full of the Ponypox vaccine to silence me. Naturally, I cried for the pitiful state of my mane. “Aww, don’t worry Rare-rare, your mane looks just fine.” “Why thank you Pink-” I stopped immediately as Pinkie began giggling profusely. Obviously, being blinded hadn’t dampened her mood in the slightest. “Well Pinkie, considering your penchant for pranking, can I assume that your previous statement was simply a bad joke?” Pinkie gave three swift shakes of the head. “Nuh-uh. That was absolutely, 100 percent true. Or does thou doubteth our Pinkie sense?” “Pinks, why are you talking like that? Is this your new persona. I gotta be honest, I miss “Madame Pinkie”.” “No time for that, Rainbow Dash. Now Pinkie, what does your Pinkie sense have to do with anything?” “Uh, duh! If my right foreleg stiffens along with my jawline, combined with the twitching of my eye, it signals to me that somepony has a crush on somepony else; and I got that sensation from Applejack when you two were talking at the donut shop after the Gala.” “Oh that’s what that was? Huh, and all this time, I thought you were just having a stroke.” (This has never been confirmed, but those of us in our circle of friends agree that multiple strokes would explain SO much about Pinkie’s mannerisms) Pinkie’s revelation was certainly jarring to hear. “Wait? You said you got this sensation after the Gala? You mean to tell me that Applejack has been harboring an infatuation with me for nearly two years?” “Or longer. I never know when a pony starts to have feelings for somepony else. She could have liked you from the moment she first saw you. Tee-hee, that’s so awesome-rific!!!” I grabbed Pinkie’s bandaged face and pulled her muzzle to muzzle and began speaking in a very serious monotone. “Pinkie Pie, are you absolutely certain that your Pinkie Sense is accurate in this case? Are there any other instances in which you have experienced the sensation you described?” Pinkie giggled right into my mouth (tee-hee, mouth breather), and replied, “Of course silly! The first time I got the “crush twitch” was when Rainbow Dash was telling her cutie mark story to the Crusaders. I got it as she was describing the time she defended Fluttershy’s honor against those bullies. I pretty much get it anytime Dashie is in proximity to Fluttershy. I go off the charts like WOO, WOO WOO.” Pinkie released herself from my grasp in order to wave her arms up and down like the results of some sort of awry chart. I was completely dumbfounded. Slumping in my seat, I uttered, “Dear sweet Celestia, it MUST be true. There can’t be any other explanation.” Dash, meanwhile, was redder than Applejack when I crashed into her earlier in the day. Head slumped down, she muttered, “Is it that obvious?” Pinkie and I turned to her and replied in matter-of-factly unison, “Yes.” Dash floated to the ground and tried her very hardest to hide in plain sight. She was being a regular Fluttershy at this point. Just like that, Applejack’s unsettling behavior earlier in the day made complete sense. Never before, had we touched in such a compromising position, so obviously, she must have been taken aback. However, more than that, there were signs everywhere. It was in the sweet way that she treated and talked to me that she did to nopony else. Oh sure, she was always kind and considerate to everypony, but it occurred to me that she treated me as somewhat special above anypony else. I can remember when that brutish Trixie came rampaging through town with her alicorn amulet. She zapped a hideous ensemble onto my body that left me reasonably distraught and horrified. I wasn’t able to stand on my own legs, but Applejack carried me out of the carnage; Applejack draped me in black cloth to shield my fashion deformity from public eye; and Applejack stayed by my side afterward to console me and let me know that everything would be okay. It was at that point, that I was reminded of what she once said to me on the outskirts of the Crystal Empire... “Good things are better when they’re a Rarity.” At the time, I thought it was a rather corny, albeit, endearingly corny pun. Looking back on it now, the question comes to mind: could that have been Applejack trying to flirt with me? Obviously, that’s a tad bit of a stretch, but thanks to Pinkie’s enlightening exposé, any of our interaction over the history of our friendship could be interpreted as Applejack’s feelings trying to expose themselves. Could it be perhaps that my own dormant feelings were trying to let their way out as well? That didn’t matter, frankly, because it was then that I knew what I had to do. I had to give Applejack a chance. If Rainbow Dash could do it then so could I. Applejack had been sheltering these feelings for far too long, and it was time that they were set free. This had nothing to do with my dreams, or me for that matter, this was about a lovely and charmingly rustic pony who deserved happiness, and if it that meant making her my special somepony, then so be it. I dare say, it was my moral duty to do so. I would do it not for my own needs, but for Applejack. For Equestria! “Um, Rarity, are you still talking to us or did you think you were alone?” I turned to Rainbow Dash, who stared back with a quizzical look, while Pinkie was continuing her waving. “I could have sworn that I was just thinking...um, what exactly did I say?” “Something about how it was your “moral duty” or whatever to make AJ your special somepony. If I had to guess, it probably sounded better in your head.” I blushed (of course), but ultimately decided to move past my faux pas and focus on my new task at hand. I made my way for the door, before being stopped at the doorway by Rainbow Dash. “So what’s the plan, are you just going to go right up to her and ask her out?” “That’s the traditional way, yes.” “Rarity, you can’t do that. You know AJ, she’ll probably dash off and try and hide in a cave somewhere.” Just where was she getting at? “Well then, enlighten me. How did you ask her to be your special somepony?” “It was kinda a mutual deal....oh yeah, plus she was crazy high on hemlock.” “Hemlock?” “Yeah, you know, the insanity plant: the one that gets ponies really high. You can smoke it, eat it, stick it up your-” “I know what hemlock is, Rainbow Dash.” (However, I did not know that you could stick hemlock up anywhere. I have no intention of investigating this for myself) “Are you honestly suggesting that I start a relationship doped out of our gourds?” “All I know is, that’s the only way you can loosen AJ’s inhibitions about intimate stuff. When we were dating, she would need to chug at least half a gallon of cider before she could get comfortable enough to let me go to town and...” I didn’t reply. I just stared with wide eyes. Rainbow blushed and rubbed the back of her neck. “Uh, but that’s not important. All I know is that when she’s stone cold sober, AJ is an emotional fortress.” After pondering for a moment, I was bestowed by the powers that be with an ingenious idea. “Well then, Rainbow Dash, if I can’t go to Applejack, I’ll just have to have Applejack come to me.” Then came the return of Rainbow’s quizzical look. “Say huh?” “You see, darling, before I arrived at Sugarcube Corner, I had a run-in with Applejack, and to make a long story short, I ended up lying on top of her. Like you said, she froze up mentally and ran off. Now suppose somepony kept pushing at that barrier that Applejack has. At some point, the barrier would have to break. Therefore, if I get flirtier and more comfortable around Applejack, she’ll have no choice but to get more comfortable around me. She will then have the confidence to ask me out herself.” Rainbow snorted. “Pu-lease. That would never work, Rares. You would honestly have better luck trying to ask AJ out when she’s sober.” Since it was most uncouth to snort, I merely scoffed. “Well, I guess I’ll take your word for it. After all, you are the master of asking somepony out. Like when you went to Fluttershy and, OH WAIT.” Rainbow narrowed her eyebrows. “Your sarcasm always has me in stitches.” “I’m just how you would say “calling it” like I’m “seeing it”.” “Whatever. The point is, you could never get Applejack to ask you out herself.” “And I’m saying I could.” It was then that my brain (in its infinite wisdom) gave me a stupendous idea. “In fact, I would be willing to bet on it.” Rainbow perked up her ears. If any of my friends was blessed with the persona of the gambling type, it was her. “What are the terms?” “I propose to you, Rainbow Dash, that I can break Applejack’s emotional barriers and get her to ask me out on a date in as little as two weeks from today. However, if I cannot procure a date of her request in a fortnight, then I will (1)-ask her out your way, by getting her inebriated on hemlock and (2)-cover your costs for your personal stash of hemlock for six months.” “Hay yeah! It’s a deal!” “Hold on now, let me finish. If, however, I do indeed get her to ask me out two weeks from today, then you must ask Fluttershy out on a date, and, you must do it by serenading her with a sonnet.” Rainbow contemplated long and hard. I was worried she wouldn’t agree to uphold her end of the bargain. Thankfully, she looked back at me and replied, “Deal.” Obviously she did not know what “serenading with a sonnet” meant. “Alright then, Rares, let’s shake on it.” Rainbow spit on her hoof and offered it to me. “Buck you, I’m not touching your spit.” (Rude language, yes, but she left me no choice.) “Well excuuuuuse me, Princess. Fine, we’ll just have Twilight write up a contract later. She can also tell me what a “lemonade with a sonnet” or whatever is.” I swore on my life that I would NOT lose this bet.
