EXPLOSIONS???

Chapters

AGGRESSIVE MARKETING!
SH*T THAT'S A BIG ASS DRAGON
I'M RICH BIATCH!
LET'S GO F*CK UP PONYVILLE!
TOO MANY EXPLOSIONS
DRUNK SCIENCE
EQUESTRIA? F*CK YEAH!
MR. TORGUE'S CAMPAIGN OF TEACHING EVERYPONY HOW TO BE A F*CKING BADASS!... IN 3D!
THAT TITLE IS BULLSH*T AND YOU KNOW IT!

AGGRESSIVE MARKETING!

Atop a grassy hill, Twilight Sparkle and Applejack were setting up a picnic area for their friends. They laid down a typical red and white checkered mat and started to set up food and plates for everypony, with ample time remaining before the rest of their friends would arrive.

“So how’s it been going with Spike ever since the whole 'us saving each other from timberwolves' thing?” asked Applejack.

“He’s back to himself again, except he’s being much more accident prone than I remember...” Twilight pulled a book out of her saddlebag, only to look at the cover in confusion.

Applejack looked over. “Something wrong?”

“Ugh... he got me the wrong book. I’ll be right back, I’m just going to replace it.” She put the book away, stood up, and turned around, bumping into a hulking mass of muscle that wasn’t Iron Will.

“HELLO TWILIGHT SPARKLE. MY NAME IS MR. TORGUE. I’M HERE TO ASK YOU A SIMPLE QUESTION TO SEE IF YOU’RE INTERESTED IN IRON WILL’S ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING. HERE IT IS: ARE YOU INTERESTED IN IRON WILL’S ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING?” Mr. Torgue leaned over her and flexed his muscles.

Twilight jumped back and shrieked, looking up in horror at the strange creature. “Wh-Who are you? What are you? stammered Twilight.

“Twilight, what in the hay is that thing?!” Applejack had also retreated a good distance back.

Mr. Torgue pointed to himself. “WHO AM I? I AM MR. TORGUE, THE FOUNDER OF THE MANUFACTURER TORGUE FOR MANUFACTURING EXPLOSIVE WEAPONS. AS FOR WHAT THE F*CK I AM, I AM A SIX FOOT EIGHT HUMAN WHO IS FIFTEEN THOUSAND, SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIVE DAYS OLD. IT’S MY GODDAMN PLEASURE TO MEET BOTH OF YOU.” He stuck out his fist for a bump.

A cyan pegasus suddenly tackled Mr, Torgue to the ground at supersonic speeds. “Get away from my friends you monster! Run you guys! I’ll hold him off!”

Seemingly out of nowhere, Pinkie Pie grabbed Rainbow Dash in a suffocating bear hug. “Hey Dashie! Having fun with my new friend?”

Rainbow’s only response were her desperate attempts to breathe.

“PINKIE! YOU’RE F*CKING CHOKING RAINBOW DASH! IT IS TO MY UNDERSTANDING THAT CONSTRICTED WIND PIPES PREVENT PROPER SPEECH! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I STARTED CHOKING YOU?!” Mr. Torgue quickly stood up and grabbed Pinkie’s throat, shaking her back and forth.

“LET GO OF RAINBOW DASH!” bellowed Mr. Torgue.

Pinkie’s eyes started to derp as she tried to breath.

“Mr. Torgue, what in Equestria do you think you’re doing?” Iron Will angrily stomped up the hill. “Let go of Pinkie Pie, or get ready to cry!”

“NOT UNTIL SHE F*CKING LETS GO OF RAINBOW DASH!” He lifted Pinkie Pie up, bringing along Rainbow Dash.

“If somepony doesn’t let go, then force them to make it so!” Iron Will charged at the group and brought Mr. Torgue into a headlock. Multiple gurgling sounds could be heard from the group as they struggled to make each other let go.

Eventually, a yellow pegasus suddenly bellowed from the bottom of the hill. “EVERYPONY! STOOOOOOOP!!!”

The four of them all stared at Fluttershy in fear before dropping each other, gasping for air.

“Oh um, sorry about raising my voice.” Fluttershy looked away slightly before joining her friends atop the hill.

Twilight sighed in disapproval at the unfolding shenanigans. “Alright Pinkie, who exactly are these two and why are they here with us?

Pinkie popped up from next to Twilight somehow and machine-gunned her words even after being choked. “Oh! These two are some friends that I brought along so that we can have a super duper fun time together! Well, they like to fight each other a lot for some reason, but they became friends pretty quickly! The minotaur is Iron Will and the other guy is Mr. Torgue. With their help, I was hoping we could turn this picnic into a blast!”

Mr. Torgue popped up on Twilight’s other side. “DID YOU SAY BLAST??? F*CK YEAH THIS PICNIC IS GONNA BE A BLAST WITH MR. TORGUE AROUND. He pulled out an odd looking grenade with racecar stripes on it and tossed it up into the air before aiming his POCKETROCKET and firing a single missile at the grenade.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

The massive explosive combination of a rocket hitting a grenade left a spectacular yellowish glare across the landscape.

“Eek!” Fluttershy quickly hid beneath her forehooves, shivering in place.

“What the hay was that?!” screamed Applejack.

“OH IT’S NOT DONE YET. THAT GRENADE WAS DESIGNED TO SPLIT INTO NINE MORE GRENADES THAT ALL SPLIT UP AGAIN.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow in confusion, “Wait, what’s a gre–”

BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM

The resulting explosions left a lovely circular trench around the hill and debris flying about in all directions, much to the dismay of a certain white unicorn approaching the hill.

“AAAH! W-W-What just happened? There is dirt and chunks of grass everywhere! This is absolutely horrid! Are all of you girls okay?!” shrieked Rarity.

Twilight shouted back, “Don’t worry Rarity, we’re fine! It’s just Pinkie Pie’s friend!”

“Whoa! That was awesome! What the heck did you just do?” Rainbow looked around in awe at the destruction caused in just a few seconds.

“BEFORE I ANSWER THAT QUESTION, I NEED TO HELP OUT RARITY! SHE CAN’T GET ACROSS THIS BIG ASS GAP WITHOUT HELP.” Mr. Torgue walked down to the bottom of the hill and stuck his arms straight out before tipping over, grabbing the other edge of the trench. “THERE IS NOTHING MORE BADASS THAN TREATING A LADY WITH RESPECT. HERE MISS RARITY, WALK ACROSS ME. TAKE ALL THE TIME YOU NEED.”

Rarity stared in shock at the strange creature and its strange behavior before deciding to carefully tread across his back. Much to her surprise, he didn’t move at all, allowing her to cross without any complications.

“Uh, heh heh, thank you... kind sir.” Rarity nervously grinned.

“YOU’RE WELCOME. YOU’RE REALLY LIGHT YOU KNOW.”

Rarity quickly trotted over to Twilight before whispering in her ear, “Twilight, what in the name of Equestria IS that thing?”

“I honestly have no idea, Pinkie brought him over, along with that minotaur, Iron Will, I think.”

Rarity looked around in a panic. “W-W-WHAT??? IRON WILL IS HERE?”

Iron Will noticed Rarity and nervously grinned. “Hey, uh... nice seeing you again.”

Rarity shot a menacing glare at him before turning to Pinkie. "Pinkie, why in Equestria is HE here?"

"Well, he seems nice enough when he's not turning Fluttershy into a super big meanie pants." Pinkie smiled.

"ALRIGHT, NOW THAT WE'RE ALL HERE, LET'S HAVE OURSELVES A BADASS PICNIC!" Mr. Torgue grabbed the various consumables in the basket and threw them like shurikens to each pony's plates without a single spill or miss.

Rainbow Dash stared at her plate for a while before looking up at Mr. Torgue, who at the moment was messily devouring a daisy sandwich.

"You know what? You're a pretty cool dude Mr. Torgue."

"ALRIGHT, SO YOU SIX WILL ALL SHOW UP FOR TOMORROW'S ASSERTIVENESS WORKSHOP DOWNTOWN AT TWO PM RIGHT?"

Rarity laughed, "Well, if you're going to be there then I might as well attend as well. With you being on stage it'll be delightfully hilarious."

"Count me in too! You're a bucking holler!" Applejack gave Mr. Torgue a friendly hoof bump.

"I think we all have to get going now though, it was nice meeting you Mr. Torgue." Twilight grinned.

"WELL ALL RIGHT! SEE YOU ALL TOMORROW THEN. TOODLES!"

The group all went their separate ways after Iron Will and Mr. Torgue helped everypony across the trench, except for Pinkie Pie, who still continued to stay with Mr. Torgue as he and Iron WIll were discussing business strategy.

"SEE? I JUST GOT SIX BADASS HEROES TO ATTEND YOUR SHOW TOMORROW! HOW'S THAT FOR AGGRESSIVE MARKETING?"

"Nice, those six should be able to spread the word around pretty well," Iron Will said.

"How am I supposed to spread the word when I'm sticking with you guys?" Pinkie happily asked.

"I DUNNO, BUT IF YOU DO MANAGE TO SPREAD THE WORD WHILE YOU'RE WITH US, THEN THAT'S F*CKING BADASS!" He ruffled her mane with a smile.

"So, where to next? asked Iron Will.

"ACTUALLY, I THINK WE SHOULD TAKE A BREAK. A GOOD WORKER ALWAYS TAKES THEIR DAILY SH*TS TO PRODUCE EFFICIENT WORK. I SAY WE GO TO THE LIBRARY AND READ A F*CKING BOOK. BESIDES, I NEED TO KNOW WHERE TO FIND SOME IRON DEPOSITS SO I CAN MAKE GUNS." He began twirling his POCKETROCKET around a finger.

Iron Will stared at Mr. Torgue in shock, the concept of a guy like this being literate was just mind blowing.

"Uhh, you sure you can stay quiet in a library?" Iron Will scratched his head.

"I HAVE NO F*CKING CLUE. PINKIE PIE, LEAD THE WAY!" Mr. Torgue pointed off to some random direction.

"Sure thing Mr. Yells-a-lot!" Pinkie giggled.

"So what are you gonna read?" Iron Will knocked gingerly on the Library door.

"PROBABLY SOMETHING ABOUT EQUESTRIAN CULTURE OR GEOGRAPHY," Mr. Torgue responded.

"I'm gonna go read one of those party manuals that Twilight keeps trying to get me to read!" Pinkie bounced in place.

The door opened up to reveal a tiny purple dragon. "Welcome to the Ponyville Library, come on in!" Spike looked up. "AUGH!" He slammed the door shut the instant he got a good look at Mr. Torgue and Iron Will's muscles.

Pinkie Pie opened the door from the inside. "Jeez Spike, that's not very nice you know, this library is open to everypony." She stepped aside to let the two in, though they had difficulty getting through the door frame with their size.

"H-How did you?" stuttered Spike.

"I pulled the door knob back silly! How do you not know how to open a door?" Pinkie grinned as she closed the door behind her companions.

Mr. Torgue crouched and patted Spike on the head. "Hey there little fella, listen, we're gonna be here for a bit to do some good ol' reading, so can you get some books on Equestrian Culture or Geography? Oh, and get Pinkie some party manuals."

"Oh! Uh, sure! Right on it!" Spike ran off to another room.

Pinkie Pie and Iron Will stared at Mr. Torgue in disbelief.

"Did you..."

"Just talk normally?" Iron Will finished.

The front door opened again. "Spike! Get me some parchment and quills! I need to–" she stopped in place when she saw Mr. Torgue and the gang. "What the? How did you three get here before me?" Her eyes widened when she realized Mr. Torgue was present. "Oh no..."

"Dont worry Twilight! He actually knows how to not yell!" Pinkie proudly announced.

"WELL OF COURSE I KNOW HOW TO NOT YELL. I DON'T THINK ANY LIVING THING CAN F*CKING YELL ALL THE TIME! OH SH*T I'M YELLING AGAIN!"

Iron Will chuckled. "Iron Will was starting to believe you were the first living thing that could yell all the time."

"I was assuming that yelling was just a trait of your species," Twilight commented. "Speaking of that, just what exactly are you again? I remember this one pony called Lyra talking about these hairless, bipedal creatures with hands and feet." Twilight circled around Mr. Torgue, getting a better look at his body. "Oh, and you also don't have to worry about noise unless there is actually somepony reading in here."

"I'M A HUMAN. I'M ALSO NOT COMPLETELY HAIRLESS BECAUSE I HAVE HAIR ON MY HEAD AND D*CK. I THOUGHT I SAID THIS ALREADY AT THE PICNIC WHEN I FIRST MET YOU." Mr. Torgue raised a finger and paused. "WAIT, NEVER MIND I DOUBT I SAID THE SECOND PART."

"I wasn't exactly paying attention to your introduction, I was more or less in shock when I first saw you." Twilight laughed. She thought back to the picnic to see if she remembered any mention of his species, only to realize something odd about Mr. Torgue.

"Wait a minute, how long have you been here Mr. Torgue?" Twilight inquired.

"APPARENTLY A WHOLE F*CKING DAY, BUT I'VE ONLY BEEN AWAKE THIS MORNING TILL NOW." He walked over to a nearby seat and sat down as spike handed him a pile of books before waddling away.

"And Twilight tells me not to make too much noise..." Spike muttered.

"Then how did you know so much about me and my friends during the picnic? Pinkie Pie couldn't have possibly told you everything we did. Besides, where did you even come from?" Twilight raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"WELL I DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING, I DIDN'T EVEN SEE HALF OF ALL THE EPISODES APPARENTLY." Mr. Torgue took off his sunglasses and replaced them with some reading glasses from his pocket. "SPEAKING OF WHERE THE HELL I CAME FROM, HOW DID PINKIE PIE EVEN KNOW THAT I EXIST? DO I HAVE MY OWN TV SHOW IN THIS WORLD OR SOMETHING?"

"Video game actually, you're a main character." Pinkie was in a corner with a TV screen playing some first person shooter game with an odd cartoony art style.

"Oh! Is that Borderlands 2? Iron Will wants in!" He walked over a picked a up a second controller conveniently placed next to Pinkie.

"Episodes? What are you talking about?" asked Twilight.

"BACK IN MY WORLD, YOU ARE YOUR FRIENDS HAVE YOUR OWN TV SHOW. ISN'T THAT F*CKING AWESOME?" He turned a page.

"Wait, so Iron Will has been on Television? Who has been secretly filming Iron Will?" Iron Will looked over in concern.

Mr. Torgue casually responded, "I DUNNO, PROBABLY F*CKING NINJAS."

Twilight recalled something about Pinkie telling her that there were others watching them "beyond the fourth wall", but she had always disregarded it as Pinkie being Pinkie. "Wait Pinkie, so you were saying that we exist in the form of a TV show in an alternate dimension? This whole time?"

"I PERSONALLY DON'T REALLY SEE WHAT'S SO INTERESTING ABOUT THIS, AFTER HEARING ABOUT SO MANY SCIENTIFIC THEORIES AND IDEAS, I'M NOT F*CKING SURPRISED AT ALL ABOUT THIS SH*T. ALTERNATE UNIVERSES ARE BADASS." Mr. Torgue turned another page, only to shout again after reading its contents. "HOLY SH*T, WE GOTTA GO RAID A DRAGON'S CAVE, THERE'S A SH*TF*CK OF LOOT AND GOODIES IN THEM!"

Twilight was still dumbstruck with this concept and tried to comprehend this odd reality. "B-B-But, how is that possible? Pinkie, how do you even know about these alternate dimensions, and how are you even able to travel to them? We have to study this! It could open up so many new–"

"Gosh Twilight, you really need to read more sci-fi adventure novels," Pinkie interrupted. "I would personally suggest Artemis Foal."

"HEY GUYS, ENOUGH BREAK TIME, WE'RE GONNA GO ADVERTISE TO A DRAGON. OH AND TWILIGHT, TELL EVERYPONY AROUND TOWN THAT I'M GOING TO BRING THAT DRAGON HERE JUST FOR THE SH*TS AND GIGGLES. He put his sunglasses back on before running out the door screaming, "YYEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH!"

Pinkie put the TV back into her mane and ran after him. "Awww, why didn't you make a pun?"

"Wait what the hay? you two aren't serious about this... right?"

Mr. Torgue stuck his head back through the doorframe. "DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, YOU'RE WITH A GUY WHO SUPLEXED A SHARK WEARING A BOLO TIE. YOU MAY BE WONDERING WHO WAS WEARING THE BOLO TIE, ME OR THE SHARK? THE ANSWER: YES. NOW LET'S GO!"

Iron Will groaned as he got up and charged out the door. "What did Iron Will just get himself into..."

Twilight just stared into space dumbfounded before she called after the group. "Wait! There's so many questions that I wanted to ask!"

"F*CK ASKING QUESTIONS, DO THE RESEARCH YOURSELF. IT'S HOW I GET EVERYTHING TO EXPLODE ALL THE GODDAMN TIME. NO ONE WAS ABLE TO ANSWER MY QUESTIONS ANYWAYS!"

SH*T THAT'S A BIG ASS DRAGON

"Uhh, you sure you know where you're going? I'm pretty sure there isn't supposed be snow around a dragon's cave." Iron Will was walking up a path while hugging himself, desperately attempting to keep warm. The group had just passed Apple Loosa and were currently hiking over a snowy mountain in the midst of a harsh blizzard.

"OF COURSE I DO. I MEMORIZED THE ENTIRE EQUESTRIAN MAP, WE PASS APPLE LOOSA, CLIMB THESE MOUNTAINS, AND WALLAH! BADLANDS! THE NAME REMINDS ME OF THE F*CKING BORDERLANDS!" Mr. Torgue punched a hole into the mountainside to grab onto and climbed up.

"Come on Iron Will! don't make this whole trip for nothing! We're almost there! Besides, we'll be back before ya know it!" Pinkie Pie followed Mr. Torgue by simply walking up the mountain. Unfortunately, she slipped on some snow and face planted into the wall.

"Well I would climb up if my hands weren't completely numb right now. In the name of Celestia, how the hay are you two not cold right now?"

"Im pretty sure I'm made of dark matter." Pinkie was suddenly moontrotting up the mountain side with a goofy grin.

"JUST KEEP F*CKING MOVING. IT KEEPS THE BLOOD FLOWING. DON'T MOVE TOO MUCH THOUGH, YOU MAY SET YOURSELF ON FIRE. I'M NOT SURE HOW THAT'S EVEN PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE, BUT IT HAPPENED TO ME ONCE. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW!" As he finished saying this his foot suddenly spontaneously combusted, igniting multiple bullets he had hidden in his boot and sending explosives off in all directions.

"OH GOD F*CKING DAMNIT!" He wildly flailed his feet.

"Ohmygosh! Don't worry, I keep a fire extinguisher with me at all times in case of spontaneous combustion emergencies!" She pulled a red canister out of the snow and aimed the nozzle at Mr. Torgue's foot before pulling the trigger. A hissing noise was made, but nothing seemed to happen.

The nozzle suddenly spewed out a stream of fire and ignited the rest of Mr. Torgue's body.

"F*************************************************CK!" Mr. Torgue let go of the mountain and fell bleeping in agony.

Oddly enough the bleep was loud enough to reverberate throughout the mountain range. Without warning the snow at the tip of the mountain began to shake violently. A large chunk of snow began to shift and eventually fall, sending down an absurdly large avalanche towards the three.

"Oh Celestia! I'm bailing!" Iron Will dolphin dived off the side.

"AAAAAAAH! Get away you big mean avalanche!" Pinkie Pie pointed the nozzle at the incoming mass of snow and sprayed some normal white powdery fire retardant that fire extinguishers were supposed to shoot out.

"Oh come on! What's wrong with this thing?!" Just as she finished her complaint she threw the contraption aside and dived off before a tidal wave of snow could engulf her.

As the three were free falling through the air, the avalanche continued to gather more snow and increase in size. The large mass of snow was beginning to go even faster and was quickly catching up.

"AAAAAAAAA! What the buck should we do???"

"I have no idea!!!"

"I AM IN SO MUCH GODDAMN F*CKING PAIN RIGHT NOW!" Mr. Torgue was still ablaze and wildly flailing in the air.

"Iron Will knew he should have never come with you guys! Goodbye cruel world! Iron Will closed his eyes and assumed a diving position.

As the avalanche fell over them, they never felt any snow or anything cold. All they felt was still the sensation of free fall and some water. The snow was going around them for some reason, making a strange hissing noise. Except it wasn't really snow, it looked more liquidly and clear...

"HOLY SH*T I'M NOT ON FIRE ANYMORE. WHAT THE F*CK JUST HAPPENED?"

"Ooooh! Lookie! The snow is melting on you!"

Looking around, they mostly saw water with some chunks of ice still littered throughout. Seeing this, Mr. Torgue quickly rubbed his vambraces together, lighting a spark and setting them on fire.

"I HAVE A CRAZY ASS IDEA. LET'S MELT AS MUCH SNOW AS WE F*CKING CAN, AND MAYBE WE'LL LIVE BY SOME RETARDED MIRACLE! COME HERE YOU PIECES OF SOLID WATER! IMMA BEAT THE SH*T OUTTA YOU!" He proceeded to start pummeling any remaining chunks of snow falling around them.

"Hey no fair! I can't set my hooves on fire! Or can I?" Pinkie hastily rubbed her fore hooves together to no avail.

"We're going to land soon! This better work!!!"

"IF IT DOESN'T I'M GONNA BE REALLY F*CKING PISSED OFF. NO WAIT, I'M GONNA BE DEAD. HOW AM I GONNA BE PISSED OFF WHEN I'M F*CKING DEAD?!"

Thankfully, the three of them landed in a fairly deep pool of water and cushiony slush with a massive splash. As they all slowly began to get up, the massive pool of water quickly flowed away from them and was soon absorbed into the dirt ground.

"*Cough* *Cough* *Splutter* Ugh, that was close. You two alright?"

"SWEET TITTY F*CKING CINNAMON BUN JESUS THAT IS THE SH*T I'M TALKING ABOUT! THAT WAS BADASS! HEY MOUNTAIN! F*CK YOU!" Mr. Torgue made an inappropriate gesture to the mountain with his hands.

A rather large lump of snow fell on the group almost as soon as he raised his fingers.

After spending the last hour digging out of snow, climbing, and ranting about bacon sandwiches, the group managed to climb their way to the summit of the mountain. As the three of them sat down and caught their breath, Mr. Torgue took a glance around, staring blankly ahead at the badlands.

"HOLY F*CKING SH*T D*CKS! THAT VIEW LOOKS EXQUISITE! EXQUISITELY BADASS!"

"Huh? What does?" Iron Will looked over to Mr. Torgue and gaped his mouth in awe. "Whoa, now that's something."

The view over the badlands was indeed breathtaking, complete with volcanoes, lava, and jewels all glowing brightly under a majestic sunset. They all just stared at the amazing scenery from atop the summit, where it seemed that the volcanoes and lava were actually tranquil.

"OH SH*T I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING! WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME LEFT IF THE SUN IS ALREADY GOING DOWN. F*CK THE VIEW FOR NOW, LET'S GET LOOTING ALREADY! GERONI-F*CKING-MO!" Mr. Torgue grabbed a random chunk of rock nearby and dived off the edge straight into a nearby lava stream, only to land safely atop the rock with a large splash. The rock slowly began to drift towards a cave entrance as he made a manly pose in triumph; multiple volcanos seemingly erupted out of nowhere in the distance, casting a badass glow upon him.

"What the hay? Seriously? Did...did he really just do that?"

"Eh, I don't see why not." Somehow Pinkie was attached to a gigantic slingshot completely decked out in skydiving gear.

"Ugh, don't tell me we're going to dive off–" Iron Will turned around to face the massive contraption. "WhoaWhoaWhoa! Wait! I'm in your way!!!"

"Too late. Angry pony away!!!"

THWACK

Pinkie launched straight into Iron Will's chest as the two went flying towards the cave's mouth.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAA WHYYYYY???"

Mr. Torgue got off his half melted slab of rock and faced the entrance of the cave as if he didn't have a care in the world, calmly brushing himself off and cracking his knuckles. As he started to walk towards the dark cave, Pinkie suddenly face planted the ground right in front of him without even leaving a mark in the ground. Following behind, Iron Will was still safely descending in a parachute.

Pinkie pulled her face off the ground. "Hey! How did you get my parachute?"

"HOLY SH*T YOU SCARED THE D*CKBALLS OUTTA ME! HOW DID YOU–" He looked behind him and noticed the slingshot. WHERE THE HELL DID THAT BIG ASS SLINGSHOT COME FROM?"

"I honestly don't even care about logic anymore." As Iron Will slowly landed, he left a large crater in the ground and grabbed his hooves in pain. "AUUGH! What the hay??? That still felt like I landed after falling like a thousand feet! GAAAH!!!"

"Placebo effect, the parachute was all in your imagination," Pinkie explained.

"THAT MAKES NO F*CKING SENSE AT ALL. LEMME SEE THAT THING!" Almost as soon as he looked at the parachute while believing it was fake, it disappeared into thin air. "WHAT THE F*CK?! SO YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT IF YOU CONVINCED ME TO FLY, I COULD FLY, BUT THEN WHEN I LAND I WOULD STILL BE F*CKING HURT? HOW DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL? THAT DEFIES SO MANY LAWS OF PHYSICS AND GRAVITY THAT BY THAT LOGIC I COULD SH*T OUT A F*CKING NUKE THAT EXPLODES INTO A BLACK HOLE THAT COULD CAUSE INTER-DIMENSIONAL TIME TRAVEL TO OCCUR WITHOUT ANY REPERCUSSIONS. THAT WOULD BE BADASS. HOLY SH*T I'M USING LOGIC ON SOMETHING COMPLETELY ILLOGICAL."

"Something like that, I remember Twilight was saying something once about the power of imagination and unicorns but I wasn't really listening." She turned her head sideways and gave Mr. Torgue an odd squint. "You're actually a pretty smart cookie aren't ya?"

"I GRADUATED FROM SEVEN DIFFERENT UNIVERSITIES AND CURRENTLY HOLD OVER THREE THOUSAND PATENTS. IF THAT DOESN'T MEAN INTELLIGENCE, THEN I HAVE NO F*CKING IDEA WHAT DOES. OH AND BY THE WAY, I'M NOT A F*CKING COOKIE. I SURE AS HELL COULD GO FOR ONE THOUGH. SH*T, NOW I WANT COOKIES!"

"Could somepony PLEASE for the love of Celestia help me up???"

Mr. Torgue took out a red vial with a needle at the end and examined it for a bit before throwing to Iron Will. "STAB YOURSELF WITH THIS."

"Wait what?" He looked at the contraption in confusion.

"IT'S A HEALTH VIAL THAT INSTANTLY CAUSES YOUR BODY TO REGENERATE ALL BODILY HARM BY WASTING AWAY YOUR NUTRIENTS. SO ESSENTIALLY, I CAN LIVE F*CKING FOREVER SO LONG AS I KEEP EATING BACON AND WORKING OUT. IT'S F*CKING FLAWLESS!" He took out another vial and stabbed himself in the chest. "WHY DID I JUST DO THAT? ALSO, WHY THE F*CK DID I NOT DESIGN THIS AS A SYRINGE? OH WAIT RIGHT, IT LOOKS COOLER AS A ROCKET."

Iron Will sighed as he stabbed himself with the strange device, strangely feeling better immediately afterwards. "Whoa! Iron Will feels great! This is amazing!"

"OH AND BY THE WAY, THEY EXPLODE WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH THEM SO I SUGGEST THROWING THE THING AWAY!" Mr Torgue lightly tossed his vial up into the air and roundhouse kicked it into the pitch black cave.

"Oh crud!" Iron Will threw his vial into the cave as well before he could get hurt another time that day. Two distant explosion sounds echoed from the cave. "Ugh, seriously, you should just go and marry explosions or something."

"I'VE ALREADY DONE THAT TWICE ON THREE DIFFERENT PLANETS. DON'T ASK HOW."

"Sooooo, are we going in or not?" Pinkie was leaning against the dark cave entrance reading a book that she obtained from who knows where.

"WELL DUH, OF COURSE WE ARE! SO LET'S F*CKING GO!" Mr. Torgue ran into the cave with his trusty POCKET ROCKET drawn and started to fire at random. "HEY DRAGOOOON! GO F*CK YOURSELF! OTHERWISE, ATTEND AN ASSERTIVENESS SHOW-WHOA HOLY SH*T THAT'S A BIG ASS DRAGON!" The inside of the cave glowed bright as the sound of fire erupting emanated throughout.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!" Mr. Torgue ran back outside on fire a second time that day.

"AAH! RUN FOR IT!" Iron Will ran for the nearest rock he could hide behind.

"Quick! Stop drop and roll!"

"GOOD F*CKING IDEA!" Mr. Torgue dropped himself and began to wildly roll on the ground. As he was doing this, a gigantic smoke cloud started to form in front of the cave. Within the darkness, a pair of thin yellow slits glowed, moving to face each individual of the group. The dragon made a loud, menacing growl before opening its mouth and roaring loudly.

"FUS ROH DAH!" yelled Pinkie.

Somehow, the dragon miraculously stopped and just stared at her.

"Hi!" Pinked cheerfully grinned.

"...What did you just say?" The dragon's eyes were now resembling a confused expression.

"Hi?"

"No, before that."

"I have no idea, it just seemed like a good idea to shout." Pinkie shrugged.

"HEY DOUCHE NOZZLE. APOLOGIZE FOR SETTING ME THE F*CK ON FIRE. THAT'S NOT REALLY NICE YOU KNOW. BY THE WAY, IT SMELLS LIKE SH*T RIGHT NOW." Mr. Torgue angrily shook his fist at the glowing eyes in the cave.

"HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE???"

"DRUGS!" Mr. Torgue was covered in soot and burn marks, but aside from that he appeared to be fine.

"You know what? Just tell me why you are all here, and I won't devour all of you." The smoke cleared away, revealing an orange dragon with red spikes covering a majority of the hulking body.

"Uhh...why were we here again Mr. Torgue?" asked Pinkie.

"WE WERE WONDERING IF A DRAGON WOULD WANT TO ATTEND AN ASSERTIVENESS SHOW!"

The dragon stared at the strange creature in disbelief. "Seriously? why would you even want a dragon to attend in the first place?"

"BECAUSE DRAGONS ARE F*CKING BADASS, THAT'S WHY! WHEN THERE'S A DRAGON AROUND AN EVENT, IT INSTANTLY BECOMES TWENTY PERCENT MORE BADASS." Mr. Torgue flexed his muscles as more volcanoes erupted around the area.

"You're not even afraid that I'm going to cause damage and steal everything that's shiny?"

"NOPE! AND EVEN IF YOU DO, WHO GIVES A F*CK?"

Again, the dragon just stared at Mr. Torgue in utter shock. "Ok, I'm pretty sure you and the pink one are either stupid or crazy. The minotaur hiding behind the rock over there has the right idea." Iron Will ducked behind the rock as the dragon looked at him. "Now get out of here before I decide to eat all of you."

"SURE THING, BUT BEFORE WE GO, CAN I TAKE SOME METAL FROM INSIDE YOUR CAVE?"

The dragon roared into Mr. Torgue's face, "NOOO! DON'T YOU EVEN DARE SUGGEST THAT! EVERYTHING IN MY CAVE AS ALL MINE!!!"

Mr. Torgue managed to shout back just as loud somehow. "BUT WHAT THE F*CK IS THE POINT OF OWNING ALL THAT SH*T IF YOU DON'T F*CKING DO ANYTHING WITH IT ALL? WHY DO YOU EVEN WANT ALL THIS STUFF? YOUR CASH AIN'T WORTH A THING IF YOU DON'T F*CKING SPEND IT!"

The dragon contemplated the thought for a minute. "Wait a minute, you're right....I have all these things, but they're just there because I wanted them and took them...but then what's the point of even having them? I only eat the gems anyway." The dragon sat back and thought a bit more. "Whoa, I never thought about all these things that way, heck I don't really think about anything at all."

"THEN LEARN HOW TO THINK MORE AND BE ASSERTIVE! COME TO PONYVILLE TOMORROW AT TWO PM AND LOOK FOR THE BIGASS STAGE WITH ME AND IRON WILL!" While saying this, Mr. Torgue crept into the cave and started to look through the massive pile of gold and jewels.

The dragon put a claw to his chin and continued to ponder. "You know what? I think I will, I love thinking! What's the point of having gold besides its sheen? Why do dragons love shiny things in the first place? If I love these things so much, why aren't I stealing more of it right now?"

"SERIOUSLY? JUST LIKE THAT YOU'LL COME TO THE SHOW?"

"Well, I don't see why not."

Mr. Torgue came out of the cave with a massive sack slung across his back. "THEN KEEP ON THINKING DRAGON! BUT DON'T THINK TOO MUCH, OTHERWISE, YOU MAY FIND THAT YOU WASTED A BUNCH OF TIME! NO ONE REALLY DOES ANYTHING WHEN THEY THINK! THAT'S WHY I SOMETIMES JUST SAY F*CK IT! LET'S JUST ALL BE RETARDED AND NOT THINK AT ALL FOR A WHILE! AND THAT'S HOW I CAME UP WITH THE IDEA OF HAVING AN ILLEGAL OFFWORLD DEATHMATCH WHERE EVERYTHING EXPLODES FOR NO F*CKING REASON!"

"Okay then...but one more thing. Won't I scare everypony away with my presence?"

"DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT! IT'S ALREADY BEING ADVERTISED, SO IF YOU DIDN'T COME I'D BE SORT OF F*CKED IN THE ASS! NOT LITERALLY! ANYWAYS, PINKIE! PULL OUT THAT PARTY CANNON AND LET'S EXPLODE OURSELVES ALL THE WAY BACK TO PONYVILLE SOMEHOW!"

"What about that jetpack that you used to get us to these mountains in the first place?" asked Pinkie.

"OH SH*T I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THAT THING. I WAS WONDERING HOW WE TRAVELED HALFWAY ACROSS EQUESTRIA IN A FEW HOURS." He pulled out the jetpack's digistruct block from a pocket and punched a button on it. The block projected a blue 3D hologram onto his back and quickly spawned a massive TORGUE JETPACK that was strapped to himself. It read "BOMBS AWAY" in the side and was decorated with the usual TORGUE race car stripes.

"HEY IRON WILL, STOP BEING SUCH A LITTLE BITCH AND GET THE F*CK OVER HERE ALREADY!" Mr. Torgue shouted while tying the massive sac to himself.

"Okay! Okay! Sheesh man." Iron Will quickly ran over to Mr. Torgue and tied himself to the jetpack.

"Ooh! Can I be on top again?" Pinkie jumped on top of Mr. Torgue.

"SURE THING! I HAVE NO IDEA HOW YOU EVEN MANAGE TO STAY BALANCED THERE BUT I DON'T GIVE A SH*T! LET'S GO! BOMBS AWAYYYYYY!"

The jetpack's wings unfolded and ignited two rockets that were at the end of each wing, launching the group into the evening sky and somehow keeping aerodynamic balance. The dragon just stared at them for a bit before going back to his cave while muttering, "What the heck just happened..."

Up above, Mr. Torgue was already shouting about something incredibly irrelevant.

"I SHOULD SERIOUSLY MAKE A JETPACK CALLED "THE SONIC TORGUEBOOM" SOMEDAY!"

Iron Will had to shout because of the wind. "HOW DO YOU EVEN MAKE THESE THINGS?"

"I HAVE NO IDEA!!! GET READY FOR SOME BARREL ROLLS!"

"NO! NO! NO! NO!"

"NYEEEOOOHHHHHMEEEEEEOOOWWWWWBREEEEEEE!!" Mr. Torgue once again tried to imitate an electric guitar with his voice as he spun around dipping and elevating multiple times.

Then the sounds of an actual guitar solo played.

"PINKIE, HOW THE F*CK ARE YOU STANDING ON YOUR HIND LEGS WHILE PLAYING A GUITAR WITH NO FINGERS! AND HOW ARE YOU NOT FALLING OFF RIGHT NOW???" Mr. Torgue was still barrel rolling.

Somehow, Pinkie didn't even have to yell when she replied, "Because this is totally epic!"

"I COULDN'T AGREE MORE!"

I'M RICH BIATCH!

After their long day of fighting, becoming friends, and getting a dragon to come to their show, Iron Will and Mr. Torgue finally settled down inside Iron Will's hotel room in Ponyville. It wasn't anything fancy, just the typical one room hotel with two queen sized beds and some furniture. Pinkie Pie had already separated from them to attend to another one of her famous parties she had already set up for the night.

Iron Will sat down at a couch and opened a bottle of cider before taking a swig. "Phew, that was one heck of a day." He pointed at the giant bag. "So how much is that sack worth?"

Mr. Torgue sat down on one of the beds and opened up the bag. "PROBABLY CLOSE TO NOTHING. ALL I TOOK WERE SOME RANDOM HUNKS OF IRON AND ANYTHING THAT WASN'T SHINY." Mr. Torgue rummaged through the bag and threw many dull colored rocks onto a nearby table.

Iron Will spat out a mouthful of cider. "WAIT WHAT? WHAT THE HAY IS WRONG WITH YOU?" Iron Will reached over and grabbed a hunk of charcoal from the bag, examining it before sighing and face-palming. "I don't think you know what is valuable here, so let me explain what gets bits here–"

"I KNOW WHAT THE F*CK IS WORTHWHILE GOD DAMNIT! I JUST DON'T GIVE A SH*T ABOUT MONEY. A BETTER BUSINESS MOTIVATION IS THE MOTIVATION TO WORK! THE MONEY JUST COMES AS A BENEFIT." Mr. Torgue pulled out a white rock that startled to crumble in his hands. "HOLY SH*T! IT'S POTASSIUM NITRATE! TIME TO MAKE SOME EXPLOSIVES!!!"

"Oh my Celestia, did you really do all of that just to have explosive materials?" He casually tossed the charcoal back in the bag.

Mr. Torgue froze and stopped rummaging through the bag. "Just explosive materials?"

Iron Will curiously took note of Mr. Torgue's lack of volume. "Uh, did your voice just die?"

Mr. Torgue swiftly grabbed Iron Will's tie. "JUST EXPLOSIVE MATERIALS? I DON'T THINK YOU APPRECIATE HOW MUCH TIME AND EFFORT IT TAKES TO MAKE SOMETHING EXPLODE! IT'S SUPER F*CKING COMPLICATED. DO YOU THINK I CAN JUST SH*T OUT EXPLOSIVES ALL DAY? NO! IF I COULD THAT WOULD BE MY DREAM COME TRUE. SO DON'T GO ON UNDERMINING MY RIGHT AS A BADASS TO MAKE SH*T EXPLODE!!"

"Okay! Okay! Sheesh, I get it."

"HOLD ON, I'M A F*CKING IDIOT. "I JUST REALIZED THAT WE HAVEN'T ACTUALLY PREPARED FOR THE SHOW TOMORROW, SO LET'S DO THAT RIGHT NOW INSTEAD OF MAKING MORE EXPLOSIVES." Mr. Torgue closed up the sack and set it aside.

Iron Will face palmed. "Ugh, yeah, we should do that. NOW. I don't even have anything planned really for the next show.

"I HAVE AN IDEA!" Mr. Torgue took out a piece of paper from his pocket. "THIS IS THE CODE THAT ALL TORGUE WORKERS HAVE TO ABIDE BY IN ORDER TO BE A BADASS WORKER. WE SHOULD MAKE THE SHOW ABOUT BECOMING A BADASS IN ORDER TO BE ASSERTIVE. IF PEOPLE THINK SOMEONE'S A BADASS, THEY'RE GOING TO SHUT THE F*CK UP AND LISTEN TO THAT BADASS. LOOK AT HOW F*CKING ASSERTIVE I AM!!!"

Iron WIll took the piece of paper and quickly read through the contents.

TORGUE"S NOBLE BADASS CODE TO BE A BADASS

1- Yell at least once a day, you will feel much better.

2- Respect others, you can only disregard this for revenge or explosions.

3- Realize other's merits before yours.

4- Know when to show off, unless it's for an explosion.

5- If you can go for it, do something amazing and push yourself out of feeling comfortable.

6- Modesty gets you the most help, you don't know everything about everything!

7- Explosions are the meaning of life, seriously, look at the big bang.

"Uhh, can we get rid of some of the explosive parts?" Iron Will scratched his head.

"F*CK NO!"

Iron Will handed the paper back to Mr. Torgue. "Is your definition of "badass" basically just explosions?"

"NOT ALL THE F*CKING TIME. IF SOMEONE JUMPS OFF A MOUNTAIN'S SUMMIT WHILE HE'S ON FIRE AND LIVES, THEN THAT'S BADASS."

"Isn't that something that YOU did though?" He pointed at Mr. Torgue for emphasis.

"SO WHAT? IT'S STILL F*CKING BADASS. IF I'M AN ARROGANT SHOW-OFF, I'M STILL A BADASS IF I'M NOT A COMPLETE D*CK. WAIT A MINUTE, THAT WAS A MODEST STATEMENT, SO AM I A BADASS OR AN ARROGANT SHOW-OFF???"

"Wait, I thought being arrogant was only if you exaggerate what you say you do."

"WELL EITHER WAY, I'M A STILL A BADASS. SO WHADYA SAY ABOUT TEACHING EVERY GODDAMN PONY IN THE AUDIENCE HOW TO BE A BADASS?"

Iron Will took another sip from his bottle of cider. "Well then, how do you plan to do that?"

"SIMPLE. FIRST OFF–" Mr. Torgue started to stick out his fingers to count. "WE NEED YELLING. SECOND, WE NEED EXPLOSIONS OR SPECIAL EFFECTS. THIRD, WE NEED STUNTS AND EXTREME TRICKS. LASTLY, WE GIVE GOOD ADVICE, THEN THEY F*CKING LISTEN. TRUST ME, THIS SH*T F*CKING WORKS."

Iron Will rolled his eyes. "Let me guess, you're going to provide all of that somehow?"

"HELL F*CKING NO!" Mr. Torgue slammed his fist on the small table between the two beds. "YOU NEED TO GIVE GOOD ADVICE. I CAN'T DO THAT SH*T FOR MY LIFE."

"What? You've been doing that all day though. Somehow."

"THEY WERE ALL ACCIDENTS. JUST LIKE ME AND MY SIBLINGS, BUT THEY'RE ALL DEAD THOUGH FROM DOING STUPID SH*T."

Iron Will grimaced. "Didn't have to mention the last part there..."

"ANYWAYS, HOW MANY BITS DO YOU HAVE, AND HOW MUCH DOES IT COST TO HAVE A STAGE COMPLETELY WRAPPED IN DYNAMITE? CROWDS F*CKING LOVE IT WHEN THE STAGE BLOWS UP AFTER THE SHOW!"

"Okay, let me stop you right there. First off, I'm not rich, so I can't go demanding stuff like that. Second, I don't know what dynamite is, and I don't want to know." He pointed to the now closed sack of random material. "Besides, if you took gems and gold, maybe you could have a way to pay for that."

"WELL WHAT'S DONE IS DONE, CAN'T CHANGE THE PAST NOW. MAYBE I SHOULD JUST MAKE GUNS AND THEN SELL THEM. BESIDES, SINCE NOBODY HERE KNOWS HOW TO MAKE GUNS, I CAN HOLD A MONOPOLY ON THIS SH*T AND CHARGE A RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF BITS. DO YOU REALIZE WHAT I CAN DO? I CAN START TORGUE CORPORATION HERE JUST LIKE HOW I DID BACK IN MY WORLD. BESIDES, I'M STARTING TO RUN OUT OF RANDOM SH*T IN MY POCKETS CAUSE OF TODAY." Mr. Torgue pulled his pockets inside out to demonstrate his point.

"I was beggining to think you could just pull random things out of nowhere like Pinkie."

"WELL I'M NOT A F*CKING PINK CARTOON PONY HOPPED UP ON ALL SORTS OF DRUGS."

Iron Will stifled as he clutched his sides, trying not to laugh.

"WHAT THE F*CK IS SO FUNNY???"

Iron Will began slapping his thighs. "AHAHAHAHA, Sweet Celestia, don't you EVER laugh at yourself sometimes? That comment about Pinkie is just too perfect!"

"HOW THE F*CK DO YOU LAUGH? I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO PERFORM SUCH A COMPLEX PHYSICAL ACTION. IS THIS HOW YOU DO IT?" Mr. Torgue took a deep breath. "AHA! BWA! HAHA! AHAaaa... F*CK THIS SH*T!"

There was a knock at the door. "Ponyville hotel maid here, could you two keep it down please? You're disturbing the rest of the hotel."

"SORRY, WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN!"

"So can you please stop yelling?"

"SURE THING!"

Iron Will put a hand to Mr. Torgue's mouth. "Don't worry! We won't cause any more problems ma'am."

The two could hear a sigh from the other side of the door. "Okay then..."

"MRRF MMERRAHURR! MHF*****BH!"Mr. Torgue pushed Iron Will off himself. "LET'S F*CKING GET A SHOW TOGETHER IN THE NEXT FEW HOURS."

"Ugh... Ok, but we have to be quiet, understand?"

"POSSIBLY!"

As the early morning sunlight poured through the window, Iron Will slowly opened his eyes and stretched out his burly muscles, yawning loudly. He looked around the room, completely devoid of a certain muscular...creature that was obsessed with explosions.

"Whoa, that was a really crazy dream I had last night, what the hay was that all about? I really need to lay off the cider.....wait a minute, I don't have a headache." As he got off the bed and put a hoof to the ground, he heard the familiar sound of bits rattling.

He looked down to see a massive pile of bits scattered across the floor.

"HOLY SWEET CELESTIA!!! HOW THE–"

The door was suddenly kicked off its hinges. "GOOD F*CKING MORNING IRON WILL!!! GET YOUR ASS UP AND HELP ME MOVE ANYTHING VALUABLE IN THIS ROOM TO OUR NEW HOUSE BY THE SMALL COTTAGE ON THOSE HILLS!"

"WHAT THE HAY DID YOU DO???" Iron Will looked up at Mr. Torgue. "Whoa."

Mr. Torgue was wearing a golden pair of sunglasses and a golden bandolier with all sorts of strange devices strapped onto it. He had also installed diamond studs everywhere on his pants, which were now made of some odd shiny black material, presumably some fancy cloth from Rarity's Boutique.

"JUST HELP ME MOVE ALL THIS SH*T AND I'LL EXPLAIN LATER." Mr. Torgue grabbed a handful of bits and shoved them into the giant sack, now devoid of all the random material from the dragon's cave.

"Whoa whoa whoa, just how many bits are in this pile?" Iron Will grabbed a handful and tossed it into the bag.

"OVER NINE-THOUSAND, BUT I HAVE LIKE A MILLION MORE IN MY NEW BANK." Mr. Torgue finished putting all the bits into the giant sack and slung it over his back.

"WHOA, MILLIONS??? HOW DID YOU MAKE SO MUCH MONEY SO FAST OVERNIGHT? THE RICHEST PONY IN EQUESTRIA ONLY HAS LIKE FIVE-HUNDRED THOUSAND!!!"

"RANDOM-ASS SH*T, DRUGS, AND DIGI-STRUCTING!" He threw a small silver block on top of one of the beds; the device unfolded into a strange beacon-like object that started to scan everything in the room with a circular sweep, slowing down when it reached Mr. Torgue or Iron Will.

Iron Will stared at the strange device. "And what in Equestria is this thing?"

"JUST LET IT SCAN YOU, AND YOU'LL GET TELEPORTED TO MY NEW HOUSE! BY THE WAY, I DIDN'T GET ANY SLEEP." Mr. Torgue collapsed onto the floor as he was scanned by the beacon, casting his body in a strange blue light. After the device finished the scan, Mr. Torgue's body started to disintegrate.

Iron Will jumped back as far as he could from the beacon. "AAAAAAAAAAHH! WHAT THE HAY–"

Sure enough, Iron Will started to glow bright blue as the beacon started scanning him.

"NO NO NO N–"

It was an odd sensation, seeing only blue light made of strange symbols and TORGUE logos while not feeling anything at all. Iron Will could only see a strange tunnel while hearing an ominous whooshing sound. He soon realized he could think, and started to wonder if this was what the afterlife was like. He was suddenly pulled out of this strange experience when he realized he was floating in midair in a completely empty white room minus another beacon-like object.

He fell to the floor with a thud. "Ooof!"

"YOU OKAY?"

Iron Will got up while rubbing a bruise on his snout. "Yeah, Iron Will is fine, though why the heck does this thing make you float for a bit?"

"CAUSE I WANT TO AVOID PROBLEMS LIKE HAVING SOMEONE'S FEET STUCK IN THE GROUND. BESIDES, I CAN DO A THREE POINT LANDING WITH THIS DESIGN." Mr. Torgue was floating in midair in the middle of the room seemingly without effort. "BY THE WAY, YOU WANT A SANDWICH?"

"For the love of Celestia can you PLEASE tell me what is going on? And how are you awake?"

"OH RIGHT, I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT YOUR OLD BODY IS DEAD AND THAT OUR CURRENT BODIES ARE COMPLETELY NEW, SO WE'RE ALL BACK IN PERFECT HEALTH CONDITIONS."

"Wait what? So this is a new body?" Iron Will started examining himself, yet everything still felt the same.

"YUP! BUT YOU'RE STILL YOU SO DON'T F*CKING WORRY ABOUT IT. SO ABOUT WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON, I NINJA'D MY WAY OUT OF THE ROOM AND WENT OUTSIDE TO MAKE STUFF WHEN YOU WENT TO SLEEP ." A blurry image suddenly materialized in front of Mr. Torgue, slowly focusing itself to show a digital Mr. Torgue sneaking out of the hotel with the giant sack and spilling out the contents in some random side alley by the hotel.

Iron Will looked around and finally noticed Mr. Torgue floating in midair plus the hologram. "Whoa, how are you doing that?"

"THOUGHT READERS ALL OVER THIS ROOM SCAN WHAT OCCUPANTS ARE THINKING AT ALL TIMES, PROJECTING A VAGUE IMAGE OF THESE THOUGHTS. HOWEVER, OUR THOUGHTS CANNOT IMAGINE A CLEAR IMAGE, BUT THANKS TO THESE THINGS, YOU CAN SEE WHAT YOU'RE THINKING AND SHARPEN IT WITH YOUR OWN THOUGHTS. PLUS, I WAS REALLY F*CKING BORED, SO I ALSO DECIDED TO MAKE THE ROOM LET PEOPLE FLY AROUND WHEN IN USE. WATCH, IF I THINK ABOUT BEING IN THAT CORNER OVER THERE, I'M GOING TO SOMEHOW FLY OVER TO THAT CORNER."

The hologram disappeared as Mr. Torgue floated over to the corner and hit his head on the wall. "OUCH! F*CK THAT HURT! OH, AND BY THE WAY, DON'T EVER STAY IN THIS ROOM IF YOU HAVE A HEADACHE OR ELSE THE BRAIN READERS IN HERE WILL EXPLODE; THAT WOULD BE BADASS."

Iron WIll crossed his arms. "Okay I get it. I think. Get back on topic..."

"RIGHT. ANYWAYS, MY FIRST PRIORITY WASN'T EXPLOSIONS BELIEVE IT OR NOT, IT WAS TO MAKE A DIGISTRUCTING STATION, LIKE THAT D*CK SHAPED BEACON THING WE JUST CAME OUT OF. THAT WAY, I COULD DUPLICATE THE SH*T OUT OF STUFF AND TELEPORT THINGS ALL OVER THE PLACE. SO I SPENT THE WHOLE MORNING MAKING JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS."

"Wait what, then how did you do... this?" Iron Will glanced around as a hologram with a pile of bits formed in front of him.

"WELL, I STILL WANTED TO DO THE WHOLE STAGE WRAPPED IN F*CKING DYNAMITE THING, BUT THEN I NOTICED THAT THERE WASN'T ENOUGH TIME. BUT THEN RIGHT THE F*CK OUTTA NOWHERE, ANOTHER ME SHOWED UP OUTTA THIS WACKY LOOKING PORTAL AND TOLD ME TO GO TO FLUTTERSHY'S COTTAGE AND BEFRIEND THIS WEIRD-ASS DRACONA-WHATCHUMACALLIT NAMED DISCORD."

Iron Will's eyes widened. "WHOA WHOA WHOA. WHAT??? I think you're missing a step here, cause why is there another you and why the hay is DISCORD in Fluttershy's cottage???"

"NO F*CKING CLUE, ASK HER LATER SOMETIME. ANYWAYS, THE OTHER ME TOLD ME TO ASK DISCORD TO SHAPE THE REST OF THE RANDOM SH*T IN MY BAG INTO PIECES FOR THIS WEIRD CONTRAPTION TO F*CK UP GENERAL RELATIVITY TO SEND THE OTHER ME BACK TO THE FUTURE. SO THEN I WAS LIKE...SH*T, WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW???"

"So...another you came from the future?

"PRETTY MUCH. SO I WENT THERE, MADE THE WEIRD THINGY AFTER CONVINCING DISCORD THAT I'M A BADASS, F*CKED UP ON THE DESIGN AND INSTEAD FROZE TIME FOR EVERYTHING EXCEPT ME. IT WAS DURING THIS TIME I DECIDED TO GO OUT AND LOOK FOR SH*T TO FIX THE DAMN THING WITH. NOW UNFORTUNATELY, SINCE GRAVITY AND SPACE-TIME WAS SORT OF F*CKED UP DURING THIS WEIRD AS SH*T EXPERIENCE, IT TOOK ME A LONG ASS F*CKING TIME TO GET EVERYTHING I NEEDED BECAUSE EVERYTHING THAT WASN'T ME SORT OF JUST FLOATED IN SPACE. SO I WAS LIKE WAIT A SEC, I CAN MOVE REALLY BIG THINGS WITH NO F*CKING PROBLEM AT ALL! THEN AGAIN IT SORT OF MAKES SENSE SINCE I WAS THEORETICALLY MOVING SO FAST THAT I HAVE A SH*T F*CK OF MOMENTUM. HELL, I EVEN PICKED UP A HOUSE AND USED IT AS A BACK SCRATCHER, IT FELT SO F*CKING GOOD!"

"Ok, can you stop attempting to describe the specifics in this and just describe the events?" A few question marks popped up in front of Iron WIll.

"JUST THE EVENTS? ALRIGHT THEN. I SNUCK OUT, BUILT A DIGISTRUCTING STATION, MET MYSELF FROM THE FUTURE, GOT STUCK IN TIME, USED THIS TIME TO SCAN A WHOLE MOUNTAIN, SLEEP, KEEP SCANNING THE MOUNTAIN CAUSE IT TAKES F*CKING FOREVER, FIND SH*T TO FIX THE TIME THINGY, RESHAPE ALL OF THE MOUNTAIN'S MASS INTO USABLE MATERIAL FOR BUILDING BUILDINGS VIA DISCORD, CONSTRUCT THIS BIGASS SKYSCRAPER HOUSE NEXT TO FLUTTERSHY THROUGH DIGISTRUCTING, GO THROUGH YOUR STUFF LOOKING FOR A BIT, DUPLICATE THE SH*T OUTTA THAT ONE BIT, USE THE THINGY TO GO BACK IN TIME SO I COULD TELL MYSELF FROM THE PAST TO DO THE SAME SH*T I JUST DID WITH DISCORD, COME BACK TO THE PRESENT, TROLL CELESTIA BY DELAYING THE SUNRISE CAUSE DISCORD'S A F*CKING BADASS, USE MY DIGISTRUCTING STATION TO CONSTANTLY SCAN ONE BIT AND INFINITELY REPRODUCE IT, FIND A DEPLOYABLE TORGUE VENDING MACHINE IN MY POCKET, DUPLICATE THE SH*T OUT OF THAT VENDING MACHINE, SET UP MORE TORGUE ADVERTISEMENT POSTERS, GET BADASS CLOTHES FROM RARITY, MAKE MORE DIGISTRUCTING STATIONS BY DUPLICATING THE ONE I ALREADY HAD, RUN BACK TO THE HOTEL, KICK DOWN THE DOOR, AND NOW WE'RE HERE!!!"

Mr. Torgue took a deep breath after the verbal onslaught before abruptly yelling again. "F*CK THAT WAS A LONG ASS SENTENCE, THEN AGAIN THAT WAS A LONG ASS NIGHT, I WAS AWAKE FOR LIKE TWO WHOLE DAYS."

"...What."

"I KNOW, PRETTY F*CKING BORING STORY RIGHT? I HAVN'T SEEN AN EXPLOSION FOR A HELLA LONG TIME!"

Iron Will pinched his forehead in exasperation. "What is this I don't even..."

"SO NOW THAT WE'RE DONE WITH THAT, LET'S GO RUN AROUND TOWN ADVERTISING MY NAME BY BLOWING SH*T UP! THEN WE GOT A SHOW TO DO! COME ON!" Mr. Torgue floated towards a wall and tapped it, causing a section of white to slide down, revealing a hallway. "BY THE WAY! STOP THINKING LIKE A TOTAL RETARD! YOU'RE F*CKING UP THE MIND READERS GOD DAMNIT!" Sure enough, a few sparks were coming out of the wall next to Iron WIll.

Iron Will sighed loudly. "You know what? I don't even care anymore about reasoning..."

As the duo exited Mr. Torgue's newly erected home, Iron Will couldn't help but glance around the surrounding area of Fluttershy's home, absolutely covered with wildlife and animals all happily... staring up into the sky? He looked behind him and looked up to see a sight that made his jaw drop. There was a massive, cylinder-shaped skyscraper with a strange bulging tip at the top; the building easily towered over anything else he had ever seen before. The whole building was completely made out of silver with crystal clear windows and electronic screens covering most of it, plus a large TORGUE logo at the top near the bottom of the bulge.

"HEY DISCORD! WAZZZAAAAAPPP??? WANNA BLOW SH*T UP?"

The draconequus in question was currently talking to Fluttershy, who was questioning the giant structure that erected out of nowhere overnight right outside her cottage.

"Well excuuuse me if some strange creature ran over here demanding that I turn his mountain into a skyscraper. Oh, why there he is now." Discord turned to face Mr. Torgue. "Salutations good sir! And yes, I would love to go make random objects explode. It is certainly one of the more finer forms of chaos, so long as you don't look at the explosion." With a snap of his talons, Discord suddenly donned a tuxedo, as well as a rocket launcher with a familiar race-car pattern.

"Okay Discord, but I'm coming with you, I don't want you hurting anypony, understand?" Fluttershy gave Discord a stern look.

"EXACTLY. STARTING FIGHTS FOR NO APPARENT REASON ALWAYS CAUSES PROBLEMS, EXCEPT IN MY CASE WHEN I FOUGHT IRON WILL AND BECAME FRIENDS. WAIT, WHAT THE F*CK? HOW DID THAT EVEN HAPPEN?"

"We must be..." Iron Will paused before smirking. "Badasses. Except for the fact that we scared away the entire crowd, that and the fact that we're probably going to be front page in the newspapers soon."

"F*CK YEAH WE'RE BADASSES, AND NOW THAT DISCORD IS WITH US, WE CAN GO F*CK SH*T UP ON A WHOLE NEW LEVEL! AND BY THAT I MEAN MAKE THINGS EXPLODE FOR PROFIT. HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK???"

Discord shrugged. "Eh, you don't really have to know how anything works, nothing really makes sense if you think about it. For instance, who's clever idea was it to go and milk cows in the first place?"

"PROBABLY SOME FARMER WHO WAS REALLY F*CKING DRU–"

Mr. Torgue was rudely interrupted by multiple explosions and screams emanating from the distance.

"Huh. I think I just heard Wilhelm scream," Discord remarked.

Mr. Torgue put a hand to his forehead and looked off into the distance. "DISCORD, DID YOU DO SOMETHING RETARDED, OR DO I SEE PONIES ACTUALLY RUNNING AROUND WITH MY GUNS?"

Discord shrugged. "Well I don't even know what a gun is, so I'm assuming they are indeed running around with your guns... whatever that means."

"AWESOME! LET'S GO DOWN THERE AND SPONTANEOUSLY START A PARTY! MOTHERF*CKING TORGUE STYLE. LET'S GO FIND PINKIE PIE!!!" He sprinted down the hill and jumped over all the various animals while shooting multiple rockets into the air with his POCKET ROCKET.

Discord bent his long neck over to Fluttershy's head. "How come he gets to cause so much chaos without everypony hating him?" He put on his best puppy eyes expression.

Fluttershy replied in a monotone voice. "Because he's nice and doesn't have a history of corrupting multiple ponies and turning an entire town upside down." She immediately smiled afterwards. "But you see what I mean Discord? Being nice to everypony can get you a long way, but have patience; it might take quite some time for everypony to accept you." Fluttershy cheerfully nuzzled Discord's head.

"Yes, I suppose it will," Discord sighed. "Now then, time to join him in wrecking havoc." With a snap of his fingers Discord disappeared with a bright white light.

"Hey! Don't you dare leave me behind when I said I'm sticking with you mister!" Faster than what most ponies would expect from Fluttershy, she took off from the ground at breakneck speeds, leaving behind a yellow trail with pink butterflies in its wake.

"Celestia as my witness I'm gonna get myself killed today..."

"HOLY SH*T STICK ON A D*CK WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW???"

Downtown Ponyville was utterly rampant with destruction caused by a few unicorns who managed to get their hooves on some guns from all the TORGUE vending machines set up last night. Fortunately, it was just the unicorns that were able to use them rather than everypony randomly starting an all out war. Except for Pinkie Pie, somehow she was using her mane to hold a gigantic pistol that was firing a multitude of rockets in a horizontal spread.

"Weeee! These things are so much fun!" She turned around and popped up right in Mr. Torgue's face, brandishing the gun in front of her. "Oh! Oh! Can you make these things shoot streamers? That would be so super duper fantastically–AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH IT'S DISCORD!!!"

"Obviously." Discord casually pointed the DERP DUUURP! in some random direction and fired a banana from it.

Mr. Torgue reached behind his back as a TORGUE SHOTGUN digistructed right into his hands. He swung it out and cocked it with one hand. "HEY PINKIE, THINK YOU CAN RANDOMLY THROW A F*CKING PARTY FOR NO GOD DAMN REASON RIGHT NOW? NOW'S THE PERFECT TIME TO ADVERTISE TORGUE AND HOW AWESOME EXPLOSIONS ARE!!!"

Before Pinkie could respond, Fluttershy managed to catch up and gracefully land by Discord. "Discord, next time wait for somepony if they want to accompany you." Fluttershy turned to Pinkie Pie. "And don't worry about Discord, he knows not to cause too much trouble. Besides, I'm going to be right here with him." Fluttershy cheerfully hugged Discord's leg.

Discord looked down and smiled sheepishly at the adorable gesture.

"HNNNGGHHH******ERRRMERRRGERRRSH WHAT IS DIS**********************THIS IS JUST SO F********GOD DAMN*******AAAAA**************PUPPIES*****CUTE!!! MY HEART!!! FLUTTERSHY YOU'RE SO F*CKING ADORABLE I JUST WANNA BEAT THE SH*T OUTTA PIKACHU!"

Fluttershy stared back at Mr. Torgue. "Uh...okay."

"Everypony! Stop what you are doing! In the name of Celestia just stop!" Mayor Mare desperately called out to the chaos unfolding in front of the town hall, to which many heads turned and all random explosions and Wilhelm screams ceased.

The mayor sighed a breath of relief. "As I'm sure all of you are aware, there has been a disturbance in the marketplace due to the appearance of some strange machines that will generate these..."guns" at just the push of a button. While I'm sure you all love this amazing technology, these things are dangerous and are causing harm to our town and potentially to other ponies. We need to–"

"BLOW MORE SH*T UP! DON'T YOU ALL LOVE EXPLOSIONS? PRETTY MUCH EVERY PROBLEM IN THIS WORLD CAN BE SOLVED WITH AN EXPLOSION!!! BUY MY GUNS, AND YOU'LL BE BLOWING STUFF UP IN NO TIME! ALL FOR A REASONABLE PRICE! JUST BE SURE TO PRACTICE SAFETY AND READ THE F*CKING INSTRUCTION MANUALS. I KNOW WAY TOO MANY DUMB ASSES WHO DON'T READ THAT SH*T! THERE'S A REASON WHY KNOWLEDGE IS F*CKING POWER!"

Unfortunately, not many ponies listened to Mr. Torgue's little speech.

"AAAAAAA!!! It's that thing from yesterday!"

"He's with Discord!!! AND PINKIE!!!!"

"RUN!!!"

"Use the guns! USE THE GUNS!"

A few explosive rounds flew by Mr. Torgue and the group, all incredibly inaccurate. Multiple clicks could be heard from the guns as they all stopped firing after a few shots.

"HEY! YOU GOTTA RELOAD THE GUN! THEY DON'T JUST SHOOT STUFF FOREVER." He took out an explosive bullet from his pocket. "YOU SEE THIS THING? YOU GOTTA TAKE IT–" Mr. Torgue slowly moved the bullet into the shotgun. "–AND PUT IT INTO THE GUN!"

Discord was casually lounging on a random sofa he conjured. "I have to admit, explosions do seem to put on quite the show."

A certain lavender unicorn's voice bellowed above the crowd. "CITIZENS OF PONYVILLE! DO NOT PANIC! Mr. Torgue and Discord mean us no harm, and neither does Pinkie! Just allow me to explai–ACK! Darnit Lyra!"

Twilight was unfortunately shoved aside by a franticly charging mint green unicorn. "Ohmygosh Ohmygosh Ohmygosh! Is that...Is that a HUMAN?!?!?! YES! I KNEW THEY WERE REAL! Lyra ran up to Mr. Torgue and pointed to all the various gadgets and guns he had strapped on. Human, did you make all those devices???"

Somewhere in the mass of confusion, Bon Bon desperately shouted out. "Lyra no! That thing beat up Iron Will yesterday!"

Mr. Torgue stared at this strange unicorn that seemed to be bursting with excitement. "WHOA, CAN YOU BREAK THE FOURTH WALL TOO?"

"...What?" Lyra raised an eyebrow.

Pinkie somehow extended her neck and whispered into Mr. Torgue's ear. "Shhhh! Don't tell anypony about that!"

He pointed a finger at Lyra. "THEN WHY THE F*CK DOES MINTY HERE KNOW ABOUT HUMANS?"

"Don't you know? Humans are a species of legend here in Equestria! Ponies tend to think you guys are bad, but I think you just need to show them how awesome you are with your technology!" Lyra enthusiastically tried to telekinetically remove a grenade from Mr. Torgue's belt, but she pulled the pin instead.

"OH SH*T, WHAT THE F*CK!!!" He quickly dislodged the grenade and tossed it behind him.

A scream that sounded awfully similar to Iron Will's emanated from the direction of the following explosion.

Lyra sprinted past Mr. Torgue with an expression of pure panic. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!! I'm so sorry! Please forgive me, I-I didn't mean to..." She gasped in horror at the mutilated corpse. "IS HE DEAD???"

Mr. Torgue turned around to see Iron Will's lifeless body slowly disintegrate. "DON'T F*CKING WORRY ABOUT IT, HE'LL BE BACK TO LIFE IN A FEW SECONDS. HE'S ALREADY IN THE TORGUE RELIEF RE-LIFE SYSTEM FROM WHEN MY DIGISTRUCTING STATION SCANNED HIM. THAT ESSENTIALLY JUST F*CKING MEANS HE CAN COME BACK TO LIFE AS LONG AS MY DIGISTRUCTING STATIONS ARE STILL WORKING"

"Wait, you... you can bring people back to life?" Lyra looked back at Mr. Torgue tearfully.

"EEF*CKINGYUP! I CAN TAKE A DIGITAL RENDITION OF ANYTHING AND BRING IT INTO THIS WORLD IN ITS EXACT SAVED STATE. WATCH, IRON WILL IS GONNA COME CHARGING OUT OF THAT HOTEL DOOR OVER THERE ANY SECOND NOW."

Sure enough, the double doors of a nearby building were thrown open as a furious minotaur charged through them. "WHAT THE BUCK WAS THAT FOR???"

Mr. Torgue tossed his shotgun into the crowd and brought his fists up. "I HAVE NO F*CKING IDEA! LET'S FIGHT!"

Iron Will tackled Mr. Torgue to the ground as for the second day in a row the two of them battled an epic fight as they tackled and punched each other into various structures all over town. They were smashing into shopping stands, crashing through doors and windows, and even grabbing random objects like rakes and shovels along the way. Meanwhile, a crowd of bystanders gathered and could only look in awe at the miraculous resurrection of Iron Will.

Twilight looked like she was going to start bouncing off the houses any second now. "How... HOW DID YOU DO THAT? Mr. Torgue, you're a genius! Do you realize how many lives can be saved and drastically affected? You need to help those that are dying in hospitals pronto! I'll send Princess Celestia a letter! I can get you all the bits you need! I'll... uh, Mr. Torgue?

"F*********CK!"

Iron Will had just delivered a fatal blow to Mr. Torgue's face, causing enough head damage for him to stumble back onto the ground lay there for an uncomfortable amount of time until he began to fade away.

Iron Will slowly backed away from the spot where Mr. Torgue used to be, gasping in horror.

Mr. Torgue soon ran out of the Hotel as well, with his body and equipment looking good as new. "SH*T THAT WAS A GOOD FIGHT! YOU DESERVE THE HONOR OF A FISTBUMP FROM YOURS TRULY!!!"

"Wait what? Ah, what the hay, why not?"

After fist-bumping Iron Will and following up with a manly hug, Mr. Torgue turned around and realized that everypony started to cheer and stomp the ground repeatedly after such an entertaining fight, exulting in jubilant joy at the prospect of so many life changing aspects that could be brought upon by this TORGUE RELIEF RE-LIFE technology.

Like being able to spontaneously fight for no apparent reason.

"That was amazing!"

"I'll pay you anything sir! How do I sign up for this?"

"We're so sorry for judging you!"

"YEEEAHH! EXPLOSIONS!" A white pegasus stallion flexed his muscles above the crowd.

Mr. Torgue only smiled as the ponies continued to cheer, praising him and apologizing for their accusations from before.

Even Discord was standing up and gaping in awe at this marvelous technology. "Mr. Torgue, can you... defy death forever with this? Are you some sort of god?"

"F*CK YEAH I CAN DEFY DEATH! BUT I NEED YOU ALL TO LISTEN TO MY GOD DAMN WORDS. FIRST OF ALL, I'M NOT A GOD, I'M JUST A HUMAN FROM THE FUTURE. SECOND, UNDERSTAND THAT THIS ISN'T A FOOL PROOF SYSTEM THAT CAN SOLVE ALL YOUR F*CKING PROBLEMS OVERNIGHT. THIS IS THE REASON WHY I WANT ALL OF YOU TO SHUT UP AND LISTEN AS I CONTINUE TO F*CKING ADVERTISE TORGUE!!! THEN I CAN ACTUALLY EXPLAIN HOW ALL THIS SH*T WORKS, AND AFTER THAT I CAN HELP ALL OF YOU! GOT IT?"

Mr. Torgue's outburst was meet with cheers and more hoof stomping.

"OH YEAH AND DRAGON, YOU STILL NEEED TO WAIT A BIT FOR THE ASSERTIVENESS SHOW, YOU'RE EARLY BY A COUPLE HOURS."

"Yeah I know, I just wanted to see what all the commotion was about."

The crowd of ponies turned around to see a giant orange dragon that was sitting behind them the whole time.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

LET'S GO F*CK UP PONYVILLE!

After the bright white light fleeted from everypony's eyes, the crowd began to cheer wildly at the ginormous mushroom cloud explosion that had just occurred.

Rainbow's jaw dropped. "What... the... buck... THAT WAS AWESOME!"

"Weee! That was so cool!" Pinkie laughed.

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "I'm just surprised that the explosion didn't kill us, or harm us at all for that matter."

The whole town stared in disbelief at the giant smoldering crater and the remains of Vinyl and Octavia's home. Yet oddly enough, the digistructing station still remained behind, seemingly unscratched by the explosion. The device beeped and started to create a digital outline of something excessively large.

Rarity seemed like she was going to explode with excitement. "Ohhhh, the drama! Whatever is this surprise going to be?"

Applejack squinted as she tried to make out the shape. "I dunno, but sure it as heck better not be another one of those darn stallion parts... oh fer' cryin' out loud! Is it?"

Twilight shook her head. "Don't worry AJ, by the looks of it, the diameter doesn't look right in proportion to the length of an erect penis, and the bulge at the tip is much too sharp, sort of like a harpoon. If this was a penis, it definitely isn't going to look right..."

She looked around and noticed the shocked expressions her friends wore.

Twilight blushed. "Oh uh... books, about… don't ask."

Fluttershy placed a hoof on her back. "Twilight, I'm worried about you."

The blue outline slowly began to fade away as the shape glowed brightly; then the giant orange dragon appeared.

"Hey, what the heck? Why did the dragon come outta that thing? Wasn't he always here with us?" Rainbow Dash looked around in confusion.

The dragon shrugged. "I dunno, perhaps Mr. Torgue brought us all back to life at separate times after the explosion. By the way, where are all the buildings? And why is the sky all fuzzy?"

"Huh? What are you talking about?" Twilight looked around as well. "Oh. Whoa."

The town now looked like it was from a dream; buildings were missing, details looked fuzzy, and there wasn't any lighting or shadows to anything. It was almost as if Ponyville was turned into a stage for a video game.

Suddenly, Vinyl and Octavia appeared from the beacon.

"OOF! Ow, my face... it hurts. Man, how the hay am I even alive?" As Vinyl got up, she blinked a few times before feeling her face only to realize it was missing something. "Huh? What the... hey! What happened to my shades?! What the buck just happened???" Vinyl frantically searched the ground around her.

Octavia took a quick glance around. "It would appear that Mr. Torgue destroyed the entire town and killed all of us, then reanimated everything. I think."

Twilight nodded. "Probably explains why none of us felt anything... wait, why was the crowd here first?"

A disembodied voice emanated from seemingly everywhere. "WELCOME TO PURGATORY. JUST KIDDING. F*CK RELIGION! YOU'RE ALL IN THE TORGUE DATABANKS! THAT EXPLOSION WAS ACTUALLY A WEIRD AS HELL THINGY-MA-BOBBER THAT TURNS EVERYTHING IT HITS INTO DATA FOR DIGISTRUCTING BEACONS TO INSTANTLY SCAN. SO NOW THAT YOU'RE ALL DATA, HOW DO YOU FEEL? OH WAIT, SH*T I NEED TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION. I'M RUNNING THIS 3D MODELING PROGRAM AND I DECIDED TO PLACE THE CROWD BEFORE THE FAT ASS DRAGON AND THE LESBIANS."

Applejack raised an eyebrow. "Yer' runnin' a wut now?"

"I think that just means he's basically like a god of this place," Pinkie answered.

"SO REMEMBER HOW I SAID I WOULD MAKE YOU ALL BADASSES? WELL, HERE'S A PERFECT OPPORTUNITY TO FIGHT JUST FOR THE SH*TS AND GIGGLES! PAIN IS TURNED OFF AND RESPAWNS ARE INFINITE. THIS IS ALL FOR FUN! HAVE AT IT!!!"

"Oh! Oh! Wait, I have a question! Where are you right now?" Pinkie asked.

"IN THE REAL WORLD EATING A SANDWICH WHILE REMODELING PONYVILLE. IN THE MEANTIME, GO KILL YOURSELVES WHILE I F*CK AROUND WITH YOUR TOWN. DON'T WORRY, EVERYTHING WILL STILL LOOK MORE OR LESS SIMILAR TO WHAT IT USED TO BE, AND BY THAT I MEAN COMPLETELY DIFFERENT AND OR SO F*CKED UP THAT IT LOOKS COMPLETELY UNRECOGNIZABLE."

Twilight's eyes widened. "WAIT WHAT? Mr. Torgue, if you're going to trap us all in here, then I won't stand for Ponyville being turned into some barbaric deformity of what it used to be! And you better leave the library alone!!!"

The rest of Ponyville seemed to agree and protested as well.

"We're not going to go kill each other just for fun! How do we know you're not going to just screw us over in the end?"

"Yeah! Get us out of here! I don't wanna be some nonexistent piece of data!"

"A massacre isn't 'badass'! It's just brutal!"

"Besides! We don't want you changing our hometown!"

"OKAY FINE! BE THAT WAY! BUT I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU ALL GO UNTIL I PUT TORGUE F*CKING EVERYWHERE IN PONYVILLE!"

Rainbow flew up high into the sky. "Buzz off Torgue! What the hay makes you think you're gonna keep us all in here while you mess everything up?"

"THE FACT I CAN DO SH*T LIKE THIS!"

Suddenly, Iron Will fell from the sky out of nowhere and hit the ground at full speed, dying instantly.

The crowd gasped in horror; Iron Will didn't even reanimate afterwards.

Discord grimaced. "Ooooooh. That's just mean, don't you think?"

Rarity gasped. "Somepony needs to stop that monster!"

"I FIND IT FUNNY HOW YOU ALL HAD NO PROBLEM RUNNING AROUND WITH GUNS BLOWING SH*T UP, BUT WHEN I GIVE YOU ALL A BADASS OPPORTUNITY TO GO KILL EACH OTHER FOR NO REASON, YOU ALL GO AND REJECT IT! WHAT THE F*CK IS UP WITH THAT?"

"You know what the problem is? The fact that you're going to mess up our town!" shouted Rainbow.

"WELL IF YOU ALL AREN'T GOING TO FIGHT EACH OTHER, IMMA FORCE YOU ALL TO DO SO ANYWAYS! GET READY FOR SOME F*CKING NINJA PENGUINS!!!"

Seemingly out of nowhere, giant ice shards erupted out of the ground at various different areas, each shattering and releasing a group of hooded overweight penguins all armed with various random weapons.

Twilight's horn glowed brightly. "Listen Torgue! We're not going to fight! Even if this isn't reality!" She telekinetically grabbed every single weapon out of each penguins' fins and tossed them all into the crater.

"AWW COME ON! I WANTED TO SEE HOW A PENGUIN COULD EVEN FIGHT WITH A GUITAR!"

An idea suddenly struck Twilight. "Pinkie! Can you somehow escape from here and go back into reality? Maybe then you could stop Mr. Torgue and get us all out of here!" She quickly looked around and failed to spot the pink pony anywhere. "Pinkie? Where are you?"

A familiar chipper voice came from the sky. "Hiya Mr. Torgue! Oh, is that like a computer in the future? Wowww, it looks soooo cool!"

"EYUP! FLOATING SCREENS ARE THE F*CKING SH*T. WAIT A MINUTE, HOLY D*CKBALLS HOW IN THE NAME OF SWEET BABY JESUS DID YOU F*CKING GET OUT HERE?!?!"

"Hey what does this floating button do?"

A click was heard as every single digistruct station in the virtual Ponyville beeped once.

"HEY! WHAT THE F*CK DID YOU JUST PRESS?"

"I dunno! Weren't you looking?"

"DAMNIT PINKIE GET THE F*CK BACK INTO THE DATABANKS."

"Oof!" Pinke suddenly came out of one of the digistruct stations. "Twilight! We HAVE to hurry, cuz I set the beacons to be able to take us back into the real world! Hurryhurryhurry!"

"Alright everypony, head for the scanners!" shouted Twilight.

The civilians of Ponyville immediately rushed, flew, and teleported towards the nearest racecar striped digistruct station they could find.

"OH NO YOU DON'T! KUNG FU CAMELS AWAYYYY!!!"

Every virtual digistruct station in the town began spawning multiple gruff looking camels, all with waistbands on their heads and hooves raised to fight.

Rainbow Dashed dived into one of the groups in front of the crater. "I'll take care of these guys! Just get to the beacon!"

Twilight telekinetically shoved away as many camels and penguins as she could from other nearby beacons. "Hurry! Even if only one of us gets through, it will still help stop Mr. Torgue!"

"Y'all heard her! Charge!!!" Applejack reared up before charging straight into the fray.

"GOD F*CKING DAMNIT! F*CK IT, I'M JUST GONNA COPY PASTE AS MUCH SH*T AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE INTO YOUR WAY!"

As the ponies tried to battle the camels and shove the penguins out of the way, random objects seemed to appear from nowhere; food and furniture were falling from the sky, the ground erupted in geometrically impossible shapes, and all the buildings in virtual Ponyville began to break apart and float in various random positions. The lighting had also changed, everything seemed to glow extremely bright and colors became darker in general.

Rainbow flew just out of the reach of a falling cactus. "Gah! What the hay is going on right now???"

"What in tarnation? Ah' can barely see nothin' no more!" Applejack had lowered her stetson and was desperately trying to make out the ever changing landscape around her.

"BUFFERING??? OH SON OF A SODOMIZED MENTALLY F*CKING DISABLED HIPPOPOTAMUS!"

"I don't think we can get to the beacons anymore like this!" Twilight yelped as a flying refrigerator brushed her tail. "Discord! Can you stop any of this?"

Discord snapped his fingers multiple times. "Nope! Too random. Eh, whatever." He teleported up into the air and casually observed the utterly ridiculous scene below.

"Uhh, is there anything I should do? I'm afraid I might squish somepony if I move."

Pinkie climbed out of the dragon's nose. "You should grab as many of the camels as you can and throw them really really far away!

"HOLY SH*T THE SCREENS JUST FROZE. WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON IN THERE? I SWEAR IF THIS PROGRAM CRASHES AGAIN I'M GOING TO FLIP A F*CKING HOUSE!!!"

"Ugh, you know what? Buck this!" Rainbow flew up into the air, looking for the nearest digistruct station and diving to it. "I'm going to get the heck outta here and stop Torgue so the rest of you can get out!"

"Rainbow, wait! Tell me where you are so I can teleport to you!" shouted Twilight.

"We don't have the time!" With a push of a button and a quick scan, Rainbow disintegrated into millions of tiny blue blocks and faded away.

Rainbow reappeared outside Vinyl's house, flopping onto the ground that was now devoid of the giant stage.

"Alright Mr. Torgue! You're gonna–" She looked around and realized that nothing looked different aside from the digistruct stations and vending machines everywhere. "Pay for what you did...?"

"HEY RAINBOW, COME INSIDE THE HOUSE! WHOEVER LIVES HERE IS A F*CKING BADASS!"

"Dude, you forgot to tell her that this was all an act."

"THAT TOO, DON'T WORRY THE MIC IS TURNED OFF. ALSO, NOTHING FROZE OR CRASHED SO EVERYTHING'S STILL GOING ACCORDING TO PLAN."

"Come in here Dashie! We're playing Borderlands 2!"

Rainbow raised an eyebrow. "Wait what? What's going on? I thought you were in the fake world Pinks." She opened the door to find the other three lounging on a couch, each with separate screens floating in front of them.

Mr. Torgue threw out his arms in a welcoming gesture. "HOW DID YOU LIKE MY ACT? THIS WAS ALL PART OF THE ASSERTIVENESS SHOW, AND I GOTTA SAY, YOU LITTLE PONIES ARE F*CKING BADASS! YOU ALL EVEN STOOD UP TO BIG OL' NASTY TORGUE EVEN THOUGH I COULD'VE EASILY JUST KILLED ALL OF YOU WITH THE PUSH OF A BUTTON, BUT I DIDN'T CAUSE I WANTED TO SEE WHETHER OR NOT YOU WERE ALL COMPLETE PUSHOVERS. YOU WEREN'T! GOOD F*CKING JOB!!!"

"Crud! Pinkie, throw out a turret, now! I'm going to go backstab this idiot." Iron Will frantically pushed the buttons on his controller.

"Ack! It's on cooldown right now!"

Mr. Torgue leaned over and blocked Iron Will's screen. "HEY! WOULD YOU TWO F*CKING PAUSE THE DAMN GAME AND PAY ATTENTION TO RAINBOW DASH? OR AT LEAST LOOK AT MY SCREEN SO YOU CAN SEE BADASS SH*T HAPPEN."

"Stop spitting in Iron Will's face!"

"So let me get this straight, this was all an act just so you can make Ponyville assertive or something?" asked Rainbow.

"PRETTY MUCH." Mr. Torgue went back to tapping his screen more. HEY, YOU ALL GOTTA CHECK OUT WHAT'S GOING ON RIGHT NOW. THERE'S THIS WEIRD-ASS BUG PONY THING BITING THE ASS OF A RETARDED CAMEL. I DUNNO WHAT KIND OF WACKY MAGIC THIS F*CKER'S DOING, BUT THAT PONY LOVES ASS!" Mr. Torgue tapped the screen and zoomed in on a lone changeling amidst the utter chaos.

"Whoawhoawhoa what???" Pinkie stretched her head to the front of the screen. "Oh no. Nononononono this isn't good." If there was a changeling in Ponyville, then that means Chrysalis must have spies here, and if there was one changeling, then there's gotta be more spying on us, and if there are more spying on us, Chrysalis must know that Ponyville is COMPLETELY EMPTY RIGHT NOW AND THAT–"

Mr. Torgue placed a hand on Pinkie's mouth. "PINKIE, SHUT UP THE HELL UP. RAINBOW, TELL ME WITH EXTREMELY PRECISE DETAIL WHAT A CHANGELING IS."

Rainbow stared at him with a blank expression. "Uhh, they're basically weird alien bug pony things that can disguise themselves as other ponies and feed off love that was supposed to go to who they were copying." She gestured to the screen. "You should probably turn everything back to normal already..."

"YOU DO REALIZE THAT EVERYBODY'S JUST GOING TO ATTACK ME ON SIGHT WHEN THEY GET BACK RIGHT? THE POINT OF ALL THE CHAOTIC SH*T GOING ON RIGHT NOW IS SO THAT I GET A STEADY TRAFFIC FLOW. WATCH, ANOTHER PONY'S GOING TO MAKE IT ANY SECOND NOW."

"There's no time for this though Torgy! We might get invaded any second now because–"

"WAIT, WHAT THE F*CK DID YOU JUST CALL ME?"

Just then the sound of glass shattering could be heard not too far away.

Iron Will's eyes went wide. "That doesn't sound good."

"NO SH*T DUMBF*CK." Mr. Torgue minimized his screen and ran outside with his POCKET ROCKET drawn and ready. "HOLY SH*T THERE'S A GRAY PONY WITH DERP EYES IN FRONT OF THE BEACON!"

"Ooh! Did Derpy get back? Hi Derpy!" Pinkie hopped outside as well, only to look up at the sky with horror. "ACK! Guys, there's changelings EVERYWHERE! Ewwww, and they're putting gooey icky slime EVERYWHERE!"

Rainbow immediately flew out of the house. "Sweet Celestia..."

Iron Will ran out and chuckled. "Hey don't worry, we can't die remember?"

Derpy got up and angrily derped her eyes at Mr. Torgue. "I'm going to stop you from messing up the town!"

"QUICK, SOMEONE EXPLAIN TO DERPY WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON WHILE I GO BE A BADASS!" Mr. Torgue ran towards the changelings while deploying his jetpack, flying straight into the swarm. "FOR NARNIA!!!"

TOO MANY EXPLOSIONS

Mr. Torgue flew towards the changeling swarm hovering over Ponyville as he drew his POCKET ROCKET only to look at it in confusion and put it away. He then flew straight into the massive changeling swarm and pushed a button on his jetpack.

"CARPE DIEM!!!" His jetpack immediately exploded, sending green goop everywhere and launching hundreds of bugs bits in all directions.

Many changelings stopped what they were doing and looked at the sky in horror, hissing loudly with awestruck expressions.

Rainbow's jaw dropped. "What."

Derpy blinked. "What do 'for narnia' and 'carpe diem' even mean?"

"They're both stuff you would say right before you do something reaaaaally stupid. Remember back when I used to say 'yolo' a lot?" asked Pinkie.

Mr. Torgue materialized by the beacon, this time with a giant sword strapped to his back. "PINKIE'S PRETTY MUCH SPOT ON, CAUSE WHEN I WAS FLYING I REALIZED I FORGOT TO BRING AMMO SO I WAS LIKE F*CK IT, ALLAH! ALSO, YOLO WOULDN'T MAKE SENSE FOR THIS SINCE CLEARLY, I'M LIVING MORE THAN ONCE UNLIKE MOST RETARDED FAGGOTS. SERIOUSLY, THE AMOUNT OF TIMES I HAVE HEARD SUICIDE PSYCHOS BACK IN PANDORA SHOUT YOLO BEFORE KILLING THEMSELVES MAKES ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF."

"That's nice and all, but I think you may have just pissed off the rest of them."

A large number of changelings had spotted the group in front of Vinyl & Octavia's house and charged towards them, fangs bared and dripping with green goop.

"SH*T'S ABOUT TO GET REAL!" Mr. Torgue drew his sword and pushed a button on the hilt, extending multiple spikes along the blade; the middle also glowed blue.

Rainbow socked an oncoming changeling in the face. "Torgue, stop messing around! What the hay is the point of a six foot long sword when you can just blow everything up?"

Mr. Torgue was swinging around the massive blade with ease, almost as if he were simply swinging a stick around. However, the blade was simply passing through everything he hit, confusing the changelings as they looked around to see if the weapon would indirectly hurt them somehow.

"WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT RAINBOW? ME WITHOUT EXPLOSIONS IS LIKE A SANDWICH WITHOUT BREAD." Mr. Torgue snapped his fingers as every changeling he had hit before suddenly glowed blue as they exploded, launching and injuring many other changelings. "DON'T DOUBT MY EXPLOSIONS DAMNIT!"

Suddenly, Mr Torgue was punched in the back of the head with enough force to send him careening into another house.

"Hey Mr. Torgue! Don't punch yourself! It's not good for you!" shouted Derpy.

"Wait what?" Rainbow turned around as she bucked another changeling. "Derpy look out! That's a changeling, not Mr. Torgue!"

Seeing how strong Mr. Torgue was, the rest of the changelings decided to transform themselves into Mr. Torgue, igniting green flames throughout the town.