As much as I'm against this, my friends and family- both aquaintance and intimates, biological and adopted, living next door and as far as the map shows- have convinced me to publish this memoir.
Having said that, there are a few things I should clarify for the reader, so as not to disappoint them or their expectations.
This is not a book that goes into detail about the race of Mankind or of the world I used to live in. The substantial amount of writing on that subject, both donated from my library and co-written by me and the Sparkle family, is at this moment completely saturating the market.
This is not an in-depth study of the comparisons between the human mind and that of other Equestrian races. While the subject may end up being touched upon at certain points in this narrative, it is most certainly not the main focus.
Quite simply, this is simply the telling of the events surrounding me, Robert Connery, and my family. Through the miracle of modern-day arcano-technology and memory sharing spells, this book will show things in a form of 3rd-person, as each participant witnessed it. This is done in the hopes of achieving an all-around understanding of my life and times here in the magical land of Equestria.
Now, with all that said and done, let us begin with the greatest thing to happen in my life: how my family and I ended up in Equestria...
January 5th, 2013
Somewhere in the Sacramento area, CA
Before we had the honor of living among the fair inhabitants of Equestria, we used to live in a decent suburban community in California. It wasn't the high life, but at least we weren't on the streets. On this particular night, the night that would become our last night on Earth, my family was having a relaxing evening in the house. One more movie night before we get back to the daily routine of school, college and work.
That last night, we watched The Dark Knight Rises, wrapping up a day's worth of housework and shopping. While we say we're "watching" tv or a movie, we are actually doing a bunch of different things. My mother, Denise, sat behind her laptop, editing various pictures for my brother's high school sports teams. My father, Mark, was napping after doing lots of rather unnecessary yardwork. My brother, Carl, was texting his friends (or girlfriends, you couldn't tell half the time), bitching about how going back to school was gay.
As for me, I alternated between watching the movie and writing on what I had hoped to be my big debut fantasy novel. This story, which I had been crafting for over a year, was the successful integration of many of the themes and worlds from all my favorite works of fiction: Dark Tower, the 1630s series, Dresden Files, How to Train your Dragon- and as of late, the latest generation of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. It may've been eclectic, but it was gold.
Now, many a pony, griffon and dragon have asked me if it was true that I watched this world, if I were this magical being known as a "brony". In the most basic sense of the word, you could say I was. I watched the show, I liked it, and I liked what the fandom accomplished in its short existence. But I've been interested in many fandoms and many fictional works, and this was the latest in a long line of popular cartoons.
But what sets it apart from all other shows was its preconceived notion of it- and by extension, this world- being a show for little girls. While this is far from the truth, it does effect how people understand it, and how they react to it. For example, when I told my family I liked the show, I got very different opinions.
My mother, bless her heart, just thought it was funny, and was actually kind of joined in on the fun. My father, with his many years of wisdom, was okay with my choice, and was accepting yet indifferent to it. My brother, on the other hand- a boy of 14, full of puberty and hyped-up machismo - thought I was going all girly and gay, thinking I was loosing my manhood. How he came to the conclusion, when its a show about females, is beyond me.
All the same, we kept to our own things until the movie was over. When that happened, Dad and Carl went to bed immediately, as one had to work at school tomorrow, and the other had to go to school. Mom changed the TV over to some nighttime show we used to watch- some weight-loss reality show, I think- and after finishing up one more pic went back upstairs. She had work to go to as well.
Me; college was still a week away, and I was done with my seasonal job. I had no reason to go to bed, outside of getting an early start to another day with the house to myself. So, after another few hours, I wrapped my work, and went up to bed. That night was unbelievably clear, with the moon and all the stars shining brightly- brighter and clearer than I had ever seen it before, considering the amount of light and air pollution we lived under.
Outside, I could see a shooting star, racing to the horizon. Seeing it, I made the same wish I make every time I saw such a star; I wished that I could go to another world. It wasn't for Equestria specifically- rather, it was simply to go to a place beyond Earth, a place akin to the stories I would read about.
Now, I wasn't wishing this because my life was bad, far from it. It was just that all my life, I had desired to go on a grand adventure, to see exotic locales. To have a life of significance, of value. I believed at the time that these wishes were rather pointless, and that in the morning I would wake up, alone and disappointed.
Little did I know how wrong I would be; how such a simple wish became real in more ways than I could realize.
* * *
That night, I had a rather bizarre, almost drug-induced like dream. I found myself sitting in an office, and in front of me was a dragon behind a desk. Under normal circumstances, I would've been like, "OMG! Its a dragon! They're real!", and would've had a mental breakdown. Then, my only thought was, "Huh, its a dragon. Ain't that something?"
When the dragon finally spoke, it held a rather melodious tune, like I was listening to Queen for the first time. "Well, Mr. Connery, I must say that you've just hit the jackpot."
"How so?" I asked.
"You, sir, wished upon a shooting star, which automatically entered you in a certain, unknown-to-mortals sweepstakes. And, by the luck of the Eternal Lottery, you won."
"Really? Wow, I hardly win anything."
"And being a chronic loser is what probably tipped the odds in your favor. Now, you see, you have won the grand prize of Universal Transcendence. Basically, without dying, you can go to the realms of Heaven, Hell, or one of the many worlds of the multiverse."
Something about that statement troubled me. "Why are you offering a ticket to Hell?" I asked. "Who would want to go there?"
"More than you would think." The dragon replied. "Many mortals believe Heaven is a place where you lose free will, and everyone is 'made' to be happy. Others consider Hell to be a place that's simply empty, where they can make the world according to their design."
"Well, is it?"
"I wouldn't know. I've never been there."
"What about Heaven? Is that nice?"
"Haven't been there either. Honestly, if I had been to either one of those places, why would I be here, working bbehind a desk?"
"...Point taken."
Since Heaven didn't sound particularly appealing right then, and Hell was a certain no-go, I told him, "I guess I'll explore the multiverse, then. There are dozens of places I'd like to visit."
"Excellent. Let's look for available spots." He then began tapping away at a computer that had just approached my notice. "I'll read aloud each available world, and you just tell me which one speaks to you."
Taptaptap
"Warhammer 40k?"
"Too grimdark."
"Code Geass?"
"Too British."
"Halo?"
"Too much violence. Seriously, do I look like the soldier type?"
"Alright, that simplifies things. Are you okay with non-humans?"
"I've never met one, but I'd certainly like to."
"Hmm. So a peaceful world with non-humans, preferably tolerant of humans?"
Taptaptap
"Ah, here's one. Are you familiar with the world of Equestria?"
"Yeah. Its the land of ponies and stuff, right? That'd be awesome, so long as I don't get turned into a pony."
"Hah, that's stupid. Why would we do something ridiculous like that? Your going as a human, just as you are now."
I sighed, somewhat relieved. As awesome as it may be to do magic or fly, I still liked having hands. "Great. When do I leave?"
"Right now. Just remember that you can't go back to Earth, dying there means dying for real, and your family is coming along with you."
"Well, that sounds reasonable. Thanks for the... Wait, what was the last part?"
"See ya."
With that, the dragon flipped the desk onto me, and I fell into darkness...
Mid-Winter, 1003
Ponyville, Equestria
The sun had yet to rise on that fateful day in Ponyville, but already some ponies were up and about. One such pony the town mailmare, Ditzy "Derpy" Doo. Although not normally a morning pony, her current job required her to get up early, dropping off envelopes and packages for the various townsfolk. As a single parent with two fillies, she needed every source of income possible to keep food on the table.
This morning felt different somehow. The air just felt more energized, tingling the pegasus' wings as she flew. It made her feel on edge, but not so much as to make her turn back. Besides, the sun was almost up, and she had to hurry through her route if she wanted to view the dawn from Lyra's house (her house had the best view in town).
She stopped by all the well-known homes in Ponyville. The Apple family received a hoof-full of letters from Manehattan and Appleoosa. Fluttershy got an artesian bird-feeder from the Crystal Empire. Her friend Rainbow Dash won two tickets to the next Wonderbolts show (seeing who gets the ticket would certainly be interesting). Rarity got a few fashion magazines, and Pinkie got a new joke book. She even went to Twilight's library for the first time in weeks, when Derpy stopped by to drop off a box of gems and various ritual tools for magic.
With most of her route done, she had just enough time to head to Lyra's house. She was flying, almost at the house when two things happened.
1) A big house instantly appeared in front of her.
And 2) She flew right into a window, just large enough for her to fly through...
You ever wake up to a flying miniature horse crashing through your window, spraying glass everywhere, bouncing off my closet door and crash landing into your crotch?
I didn't until my first morning in Equestria... It was not pleasant.
"Gah! Dammit, Sunny!" I swore, thinking it was one of the cats jumping on me. When I opened my eyes, instead of seeing a small but obese cat, I saw a gray pony with wings, half as big as me, with blonde hair and derped eyes. It looked familiar, but my mind was still trying to process what it was seeing. I looked at it, and she looked right back. We held that gaze between us before I finally asked, "What the fuck're you?"
"Uh, I'm a pony." The intruder said with caution. "What are you supposed to be?"
Holy shit I wasn't hallucinating! This thing looked like a cross between an InuHoshi drawing and one of those Gary's Mod ponies, which was hella surreal. But it had weight to it as it rested on my legs, which meant it was real. And that voice! It sounded familiar, almost like it was...
I cocked my head, and said, "...Damn, girl. Are you Derpy Whooves?"
She gasped. "How do you know that nickname? And how did your house pop out of nowhere?" She leaned forward and gasped again, and looked down at herself. We both saw she had got cut up from the broken glass, which had covered my bed and the floor. Blood was starting to run from her legs, and she winced at the sight. I was about to grab a blanket for the wounds when we hear-
"The hell was that?! Robert, are you okay?!"
Oh great. My parents were up, and sound just peachy. Did I mention that no one in my family are morning people, and are as friendly as a hibernating bear?
We heard rapid footsteps, and the injured pegasus leapt up into my arms, practically knocking the wind out of me. When my father opened the door, he found a broken window, a floor covered in glass, and me holding a cut up, bloody pegasus.
All I could think of to say was, "Uh... Its kinda what it looks like?"
Thank god I wore pajamas that night.
Author's Note
This here is an indulgence into HiEs and self-inserts and such. I am aware how often these fics can fall into cliches and personal fantasies and whatnot, but this more of a test to see if I as a writer can avoid those traps, or at least use them in such a way that they actually contribute to the story.
Couple of things to be noted. 1) this is not related to P&I in any way. 2) that one is still going, but this is to allow my mind to work on other things, and not get stagnant. 3) I only have a few chapters laid out, and ultimately the survival and outcome of this depends upon you, the readers. If this looks like its getting a lot of views and comments, then I will continue putting in time to makes this... whatever it will turn out to be.
How Pinkie Pie got Punched
Now, based on what I've seen and heard from ponies who had been through the Changeling Invasion and Discord's outbursts, ponies are remarkably resilient when it comes to changing circumstances. Massive horde of insectoid succubi invade the capital city? Let's panic a little bit, banish them with love, and forget it ever happened. Wannabe "God of Chaos" turns a small town into a cross between Wonderland and the Eye of Terror? Let's go about our day like nothing's wrong, have a bunch of super heroines tun him into stone, and ignore the broken pieces of our psyche. Seriously, if I didn't know better, I'd say the whole country has the best weed in existence.
Humans, however, are creatures of habit, and as such don't like change. Even in my homeland of America, where we thrive on changing times, we cannot stand something interrupting our daily lives. When we hear about a recession on the news, we shrug about it and move on. But when that same recession causes events that lead to losing your job, we give a collective "Oh HELL no," and riot in the streets about it.
So when presented with a situation where our home has been moved without consent, and placed in a world of magic, talking cartoon ponies and no humans, its easy to see why mi familia acted the way they did.
* * *
That morning, Dad was the first one to know (besides me) that some weird shit was going down. Not only was he able to see me and my new roommate, but he could also see out my window. Outside, where our suburban neighborhood had been transformed into a quaint rural village, all brightly colored and cutesy.
Dad tilted his head slightly, looking between me, Derpy (my mind still boggled from that) and the window, trying to wrap his mind around what had happened. He took a step forward, not noticing the broken glass beneath his slippers. All he could think of to say was, "What the hell?"
"Hey, I'm just as surprised as you are." I told him.
"Where the hell are we?" He asked in disbelief. "That's not our street. That doesn't even look real!"
"I could ask the same thing for you guys." Derpy chirped. "I've never seen anything like you guys here in Equestria. How did you teleport the house like that?"
Teleport? I thought. Wait, if the dream said I was moving, and Derpy just plops into my room like that, then that means... oh, son of a bitch!
* * *
Meanwhile
Twilight Sparkle had awakened to a massive discharge of magical energy- almost as powerful as when the Crystal Heart activated. Except is was really focused and precise, and it was very close by. Rubbing her eyes, she looked out the window by her bed, searching for whatever could've made the energy spike.
Sure enough, there was something new outside, glowing with the halo from the rising sun. A house stood in the middle of town square, painted all white and having a tiled roof akin to Canterlot mansions. And it was right where the town fountain used to be, complete with a little circle of debris.
Twilight stared at the sight, her logical mind trying to understand what had happened. Had there been a temporal displacement spell cast, like Sombra's spell on the Crystal Empire?
Before she could muse on the house more, a certain cyan pegasus did as she always did early in the morning- that is, she crashed through Twilight's window, and took both of them crashing into her bedroom.
"Rainbow!" She shouted, coming off more whiny than she intended, "Stop crashing into me like that! One of these days you're going to break one of my legs."
"Twilight!" Rainbow cried out, ignoring the unicorn's protests as she shook her like a filly, "Did you see that house out there? Where did it come from? Did you do another botched summoning spell, like that time with the flying spaghetti monster?!"
"I thought everypony agreed not to mention that again!" Twilight hissed, pushing the flustered pegasus off of her.
"Sorry." Dash looked down, but continued, "Anyway, we gotta get the girls together and check it out, before somepony unleashes a monster from it or something."
"Rainbow, not everything is like those Daring Do books. Not all strange events have to do with curses, monsters or ancient gods."
"Then how do you explain the house? Whether its good magic or bad magic, we've gotta get the girls all together, and get ready to deal whatever happens."
"Okay, okay," The unicorn snapped, still irritable in the morning, "Go and get everypony gathered up, while I open up the Elements of Harmony."
"Good. Meet us out front in half an hour." The pegasus flew out the same window she entered, leaving Twilight annoyed and still sleepy...
* * *
"... So, based on our change of neighbors," I explained to everyone, "And our window-crashing friend here, I'm left to conclude that we have been sent to the magical world of Equestria. You guys with me so far?"
The three other humans- and one pony- stared back at me with blank, confused expressions. I wasn't sure if that was because it was still early in the morning, or if my explanation was just too fucking much for them to handle. Either way, I needed to rephrase my explanation.
"Okay," I continued, "Let me put it this way. Through some scientific-magical mumbo-jumbo, The Powers That Be decided to send us into a kid's tv show. As incredibly unbelievable as that sounds, do realize that there is pegasus here going to town on all our chocolate muffins."
Everyone then looked at Derpy, who just midway into taking a bite. She looked back at us, saying defensively, "What? This muffin is tasty."
"Okay," My dad finally said, exasperated, "If what you're saying is true, and there's a bunch of talking pony things out there, what are we going to do? Its not like these guys see humans often, right?"
I hesitated before I answered. While I wanted to say yes, I had no idea if we had actually entered the Equestria of the show, or one of the many fanfic worlds. This could easily be a nice world, like that of Past Sins, or Petriculture. It could also be a war fic involving 40k or Halo or Mass Effect. Maybe it was a hella grimdark world, like Cupcakes, Rainbow Factory, or Fallout Equestria before the War. Or maybe it was like Xenophillia, and some schmuck with barely any personality would take all the females and be annoyingly perfect in every way.
Sweet Merciful Man-Jesus, what if we're the overly lucky, ridiculously perfect Mary Sue HiEs?!
* * *
Outside of the strange house, a growing crowd of spectator ponies was standing watch, eagerly awaiting something to happen. Earth Ponies, pegasai and unicorns surrounded the building as an unexpected fence, keeping watch over the place. By the time all the Mane Six were all gathered up, half the town was there.
"Ok, Twi," Applejack said, adjusting her hat, "What's the plan here?"
"Well, isn't it obvious, darling?" Rarity quipped, rubbing the grime out of her eyes. "One of us should go up there and knock on the front door, see if anyone is home."
"But who's going to knock?" Fluttershy whispered. "Whoever lives in there could be dangerous or cranky."
The ponies looked at each other, expecting somepony- most likely Rainbow or Applejack- to go up and knock. But then Pinkie, with her curly cotton-candy hair and bouncy disposition, chirped, "I'll do it. I'm not afraid of any big scary house."
"Are you sure, Pinkie?" Twilight warned, "We don't know anything about this place. For all we know, the front door might be booby-trapped."
"Oh Twilight, you silly filly," Pinkie giggled, "I don' need no stinkin' doors. Getting inside will be easy as one, two-"
POP!
And just like that, she was gone. The mares were dumbfounded, actually seeing Pinkie's "magic" for the first time. How does she do that?
* * *
"Mom, why are you taking out your gun?" I asked nervously.
She had loaded the chamber of her 10mm, and put it into her holster. "Its just a safety measure, hon." She told me, sounding rather calm. "I don't think I'll need it, but I've got it just in case."
I honestly hoped it wouldn't come to that. She was a CHP officer, and was one of the best shots in the service. Then there was my Dad, who had a .22 rimfire over his back, while my brother and I had and machete and a crowbar, respectively. The idea was that if indeed we had entered a dangerous world- as I had briefly told them a few moments before- we would at least be able to defend ourselves enough to make an escape, pull a Rambo out in the forest or something.
Derpy, of course, wasn't liking this at all.
"Robert," She asked me, her eyes getting more "derped" by the minute, "Are you really going to fight my friends? That's not very nice."
"I don't think so, Derpy," I told calmly, "As long as we don't get any surprises, we should be fine."
"-THREE!" A big pink blur popped up from behind a mirror on one of our walls. My dad, being the closest one to it, gave a yelp of surprise, and did what lots of humans do when surprised- threw a left hook into the blur's face.
There was a sound that was a cross between a Whack! and a Crunch!, and the pink thing flopped down on the floor. As its front limbs went to cover its face, it began crying, and I noticed the curly mane and tail it had. This thing- this obvious pony- had a three balloon design on her flank, and blood was already seeping through her hooves.
"Holy Shit, Dad!" I exclaimed, "You punched Pinkie Pie in the face!"
"She fucking scared me!" He shouted back, looking terrified. "How the fuck did she do that? She jumped out of the mirror, tha-, how, that's fuckin' impossible!"
"Ow, ah tink yo bro' me nos!" Pinkie moaned, "Dat's nev' hap'n be'fo'!"
My ass that's never happened before. I thought. Popping out of nowhere in front of people is how you lose teeth, not make friends.
Before anyone else could say anything, a blue-and-rainbow blur crashed through our front window, stopping just in front of us. It was, of course, Rainbow Dash, looking extraordinarily pissed. And that was before she saw her friend crying and bleeding. She growled rather menacingly, "What did you do to my friend?!"
My mom- never one for fainting under pressure- drew her gun on the pegasus, and barked, "Hey, back off! She attacked us!"
"Hey, um, guys..." Derpy tapped my leg, trying to get my attention. I, of course, was too enthralled by the growing shitstrom to notice. There was a flash from upstairs, coming from our workout room, unnoticed by everyone.
Suddenly, the front door was blasted inward, as Applejack bucked her way into my house. She was accompanied by Rarity and Fluttershy- the former looking mad, while the latter looked scared- while Twilight herself teleported behind us in the livingroom.
"Leave our friend alone, you ruffians!" Rarity shouted menacingly, hooves raised like a boxer. As if she had ever fought a day in her life. I would've laughed at the display if our situation wasn't so dire.
Dad raised his .22 at the feisty unicorn, and challenged, "Try me, bitch! It'll be the last thing you ever do!"
Things were going downhill very fast. I had to salvage what was left of the moment before our First Contact became a repeat of the Waco Disaster.
"All of you, shut up!" I shouted, empathising my point by slamming the crowbar into the wall. The impact was strong enough to crack it, and got everyone's attention off each other and on me. I capitalized on that moment.
"Now, I know that we have all had a crazy morning so far," I said, my hands up in a peaceful gesture, "And we've all been guilty of a little overreacting. But I know that none of us have any ill intent, so if we could all just sit down and talk this out like civilized people, we can work this thing out."
"Um, Robert." Derpy nudged me again. "What, Derpy?" I asked, sounding a little harsher than I intended.
"WHAT IN THE TARTARUS IS GOING ON HERE?!" A voice shouted out, a Royal Canterlot Voice if ever there was one. Everyone looked up to see a big white alicorn standing tall on the landing of my stairs. It was good old Princess Celestia, eyes all narrowed, the power of the sun at her beck and call, and a pair of guards at her sides. I could only imagine how the scene looked to her; a bunch of her subjects- including her favored apprentice Twilight- one of them on ground all bloody, surrounding a group strange-looking creatures with dangerous weapons, and everyone looking ready for a fight.
Its times like this that makes a man want to say, "Dude, fuck my life."
