The Most Deplorable Attraction in the History of the Multiverse*

Chapters

Never Call a Princess Fat
Lyra Heartstring Spots a Human
Welcome to the Jungle (Forest)!
Storytime and Philosophy with...Morpheus?
Tentacles and Naps
You are so Screwed
Ian Talks to Himself
May the Force be With You as You Live Long and Prosper
Love is Painful Like a Punch to The Face
Epilogue: Hunted

Never Call a Princess Fat

Sweet merciful crap…

Those were the first words to enter Ian’s mind as he came to. His skull felt like it had been bashed in by a sledgehammer and he could feel something wet running down the back of his neck. This was definitely the last time he’d ever let a drunk operate a teleporter.

Ian was supposed to be dropped outside the city so he wouldn’t raise any suspicion, but instead he had been sent careening into a giant tree at god knows what speed. It was a miracle he hadn’t been turned to jelly, but the impact had still hurt like hell.

Maybe it was just a concussion, but it sounded like there was some voice, a female’s, shouting something far off in the distance and he struggled to open his eyes to find the source. With a considerable amount of difficulty, Ian’s eyelids slowly lifted to a world of randomly moving blurs. The only constant was a large purple smudge located to his right. From the way it was angled, it seemed to be staring at him.

“I said can you hear me,” the blur asked. To Ian’s relief, the disorienting blurs were beginning to take less nauseating forms.

“Iyinkiokayyy,” he managed to slur.

“Spike, don’t just stand there, go get the leather bag under my bed! It’s bleeding.”

“Right,” squeaked another voice, “sorry.”

Ian turned his head to find the other voice, but the purple blur held him still. “Try not to move,” the blur said as it took the form of a unicorn, “you’ve been in an accident.”

To most people the sight of a talking purple unicorn would be a mind-blowing thing to behold, but Ian only glanced at her for a second. He was more concerned about the gaping hole in the ceiling. Even though it wasn’t his fault, he would definitely be the one blamed for it. The last thing Ian thought before blacking out again was: Damn it Mark.

When Ian again came to, the pain in his head had all but vanished. To his further satisfaction, someone, possibly the horse, had placed him in a rather comfortable bed. The last time he had been in a bed this soft was…he couldn’t even remember. His bed back home was about as comfortable as a rock, which supposedly ‘built character’ but all it did for Ian was cause back problems.

The soft flannel sheets practically begged to be caressed but, to Ian’s dismay, his arms had been restrained. He looked at his wrists and, sure enough, he had been tied to the bedposts.

“Hello,” a voice greeted. Ian turned and saw a small purple lizard sitting to his left, and it was smiling at him. “Are you an alien,” it asked excitedly.

“Hold on a sec.” Ian turned his attention back to the ropes and effortlessly tore the bedposts off the bed.

“Woah,” the lizard shouted, “why’d you do that?”

“Because they were tying me to the bed,” Ian bluntly answered as he untied ropes.

“You could have asked.”

Ian had been put in restraints before, and every time he bothered asking politely, he’d always be given a ridiculous reason why that couldn’t happen. Eventually he just decided to stop trying.

Ian threw the bed sheets off and stood to his feet. Unlike every other time he’d been captured, these people had the decency to leave him his clothes. His sneakers, jeans, and t-shirt looked as clean as the day he’d received them, but there was one thing missing. Whoever these people were, they’d taken his gun and that was a problem. He knew he shouldn’t be surprised by it (hell there was a time when he would have done the same if an alien life form crashed into his house), but it aggravated him nonetheless.

He’d been sent here to kill a Wabberjack, and that would be much harder without his gun. Additionally, although not as important to Ian, the weapon he used had the nasty habit of blowing up in the hands of the inexperienced- literally. If some idiot pressed one button at the wrong time, he’d be able to blow up a small building.

Then it suddenly hit Ian that the world he was in was entirely animated (he was still a little slow from the head injury). He had seen cities made of fire, he had tasted a rainbow, he’d seen the colors of music (granted he was on LSD for that), and he and Mark had eaten a tub of popcorn while watching a supernova condense into a black hole, but he had never been a cartoon before. “Cool,” he said indifferently.

Even the incredible wonders of life, the multiverse, and everything lost their impact after a while.

“M-my name’s S-Spike,” the lizard stuttered.

“I had a gun with me,” he said as he twiddled his fingers, “I’d like it back.”

“T-Twilight hid it-”

“Where’d she hide it?”

“I don’t know-”

“Then help me find it,” Ian ordered as he peered under the bed, “Check the books downstairs. Maybe she hid it in one of them.”

“We really shouldn’t be making a mess,” Spike said uncomfortably.

“Then you should help me find it,” he said as he cleared off a bookcase, “the sooner I find the gun, the sooner we can clean up.”

Spike sighed and descended the stairs. “Twilight’s gonna’ hate this.”

If he hadn’t already wasted so much time lying in bed Ian might have handled the search more delicately. When he had finished with the bedroom, it looked like a tornado had blown through. Papers and books were scattered everywhere, the pillows and bed had been torn open leaving feathers everywhere, and over half of Twilight and Spike’s possessions were broken but he had nothing to show for it.

Ian was about to shout an obscenity when he heard the click of a lock and the turning of a knob. Without thinking, he dove behind the pile and held his breath. Given Ian’s luck, there was a good chance that the local military was about to storm in.

As a demon hunter, Ian’s job took him to all corners of the multiverse, but wherever he’d go he would meet the same types of people. Locals, as Ian had dubbed them, were usually comprised of panicky idiots who’d lose any ounce of composure at the sight of him. Sometimes they would run screaming, sometimes they would shoot at him, and sometimes they’d try to ‘study’ him. The one thing that seemed to unify every civilization in existence was a distrust of the abnormal.

Ian looked around at the disaster he had made and remembered the hole in the ceiling…maybe Locals had a point.

The sound of the door creaking open kicked him back into reality and he prepared for the worst, but instead of the usual shouting and chaos he heard the familiar voice of the purple unicorn.

“I don’t know what it is Princess. None of the books I’ve read have anything like it…MY ROOM!” she screeched. He was off to a great start.

“Twilight,” said a regal voice, “I thought you said it was sedated.”

“I-it was!”

“Guards, be ready. Twilight, Spike, get behind me.”

Ian saw two choices at the moment: Run like hell or be polite. Running would inevitably lead to a witch hunt, and that would certainly make things much more difficult. Whether he liked it or not, diplomacy was his best option…God help him.

He took a deep breath and stood up. “That won’t be necessary Princess-”

“UGH, IT’S HIDEOUS,” shouted a guard in disgust.

“I’m sorry, are you the Princess, or is it the female with the fucking crown?” Ian had always been told to be polite when meeting a new species, but after years of the same disgusted reactions, his temper had worn thin. “Are you in charge here,” he asked the crowned horse impatiently.

“…..”

“Princess,” Twilight whispered, “don’t you think you should say something?”

“…..”

Twilight finally stepped forward and bowed. “This is Princess Celestia,” she said politely, “Ruler of Equestria.”

“Well Celestia,” he said, jumping to the bottom floor, “my name is Ian McCoy.” He walked forward to shake her hoof.

“Guards,” Celestia shouted. Before Ian could react, two armored unicorns teleported in front of him with spears pointed at his throat.

“Seriously,” he sighed. Why did he think this time would be any different?

“Until we can determine you aren’t a threat,” Celestia said nervously, “you’ll have to remain in our custody.”

That may sound like a reasonable request, but Ian had heard it too many times to believe. “Like hell I am!” Ian grabbed a spear and head butted its wielder before sweeping the legs of the other guard. With one foot pressed on the throat of the second guard, Ian aimed the spear at Celestia. “Make your move thunder-thighs.”

Whenever there was a bet on how long Ian could go without starting a fight with a Local, everyone always bet against him. The Princess’s incredulous look faded into pure anger as her horn glowed a brilliant gold. Time seemed to slow to a crawl as Ian realized the terrible mistake he’d made, but there was no turning back now. He braced himself for her attack.

Spike and Twilight jumped between the two. “Wait!” Twilight shouted. “Let’s all take a deep breath and relax, alright?”

“Nobody else needs to get hurt,” added Spike.

Celestia sighed and her horn stopped glowing. “Thank you Princess. Ian, please do the same.”

“I’m not going with anyone,” he ordered. “Got it?”

“It’s just a precaution.”

“Make an exception or we’re going to have a problem,” he said authoritatively. Maybe Ian was overreacting, but he’d been through this ritual so many times that it made his blood boil.

Celestia was quiet as she contemplated her next move. “Very well,” she reluctantly sighed, “as long as you mind your behavior.”

“…Deal.” Ian dropped the spear and lifted his foot off the guard, who immediately gasped for air. A few more seconds and Ian would have killed him.

“There,” Twilight said calmly, “isn’t this better? Now let’s try this again. My name is Twilight Sparkle, this is my friend Spike, and this is my teacher, Princess Celestia. We would like to be the first to welcome you to Ponyville.”

“My name is Ian McCoy…and I’m sorry for calling you fat Princess.”

“My weight is perfectly normal for a mare of my size.”

Ian strained to think of something polite. “And if I were a horse I’m sure I’d find you very attractive,” he awkwardly replied. “I’m also sorry about disrupting your house Twilight Sparkle. Spike and I were looking for my gun.”

“He made me do it,” Spike interjected.

“It’s alright,” she smiled, “and you can call me Twilight.”

“Can I have my gun?”

“If you don’t mind I’d like to hang on to that for now-”

“You don’t trust me.” He could feel his face heat up, but he managed to stay calm.

Twilight shrugged and whispered, “You did point a spear at the Princess after all.”

“She pointed spears at me first!” Ian protested, as if that somehow justified him being a prick.

“Don’t be childish,” prodded Celestia. The ‘she hit me first’ excuse was obnoxious when children used it, but it was downright pathetic from an adult.

“All the same, I’d like to keep it for now as a precaution.”

He’d already crashed into someone’s house, destroyed their room, nearly killed two soldiers, and threatened to kill their monarch. The last thing he needed was to cause another incident. “Fine, keep it,” he said as pleasantly as possible, but he was growing very impatient. “Look, I was sent here to find something- a creature called a Wabberjack. Has anyone in…Ponyville been exhibiting abnormal behaviors?”

“Like what?” Twilight asked uneasily.

"Smart people being stupid, generous people acting greedy, nice people becoming hostile-”

Twilight gasped. “Yes! Is she in danger?”

“She could die if we don’t hurry.” Ian breathed a subtle sigh of relief; he wasn’t getting his gun, but at least he had a lead.

Twilight’s face was washed over with dread. She galloped to the door and threw it open with magic. “You need to come with me now!”

Lyra Heartstring Spots a Human

Spike sprinted after the others as fast as his little legs could carry him. “Wait up you guys,” he panted, but Twilight and the others didn’t seem to hear. He finally had to stop and catch his breath. “Don’t mind….me,” he said to no one in between long, drawn-out breaths, “just a baby…dragon here.”

“Did you see it Bon Bon?” squealed an exhilarated Lyra. “Did you see it?” Spike looked over to a nearby dining table to see Lyra Heartstring holding Bon Bon in the air like a ragdoll. Her eyes and smile had grown so large that it was hard to see anything else on her face. Bon Bon’s face, however, was simply scrunched into a look of annoyance and confusion.

“I didn’t see anything Lyra,” her friend said blandly.

“I’ve told you for years they were real, and when it finally shows up, you miss it! It had hands, and-and it ran on two legs, and-”

Lyra dropped Bon Bon and flipped their dining table, launching their food onto Spike’s face. She then stood on her hind legs and thrust her forelegs to the sky in triumph. “YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!”

“Are you done?” Bon Bon asked. Lyra tried to respond but she was too out of breath. Her chest heaved up and down frantically and a crazed look grew in her eyes. “You’re paying for that lasagna by the way. Sorry about that Spike.”

“It’s alright,” Spike said as he wiped the food from his face. He was about to run off after Twilight, but then a light bulb went off above his head. “I’m sorry to burst your bubble Lyra, but it’s just another one of Twilight’s spells.”

When he saw tears well up in Lyra’s eyes, Spike almost felt bad for lying to her. Her lower lip quivered and she fell backwards onto her rump, shoulders sagging in sadness. “But I bet I could convince Twilight to try it out on you-”

Spike had barely finished his sentence before Lyra had flung him onto her back. She reared into the air and, with newfound vigor, she exclaimed, “Hang on baybeh!” Before Spike could even place his claws around Lyra’s neck, she had already bolted down the street, leaving Bon Bon with the bill.

Lyra was galloping so fast that it was only by pure luck that Spike hadn’t fallen off. He half expected a rainbow to explode behind her. She sped right, almost smashing into the Cakes and their kids. Twilight and the others were long gone, but they had left a trail of confused ponies in their wake for Spike and Lyra to follow. Crowds had begun to form in the streets as ponies followed after Twilight and the Princess.

To avoid the mob, Lyra launched herself onto the rooftops, once again almost throwing off Spike. The gaps between buildings didn’t slow Lyra down; if anything, she gained speed. Spike’s eyes stung from the biting winds and he had no choice but to squeeze them shut and cling to Lyra for dear life. He fully regretted this plan.

Meanwhile, Ian, Twilight, and Princess Celestia had arrived at the base of the hill leading to Fluttershy’s house. The one conscious guard had been placed on crowd control, much to his chagrin.

“Fluttershy is the kindest and gentlest pony in Ponyville,” Twilight said to Ian, “but two days ago, something changed about her. She stopped talking, she stopped looking after her animals, and then she became downright mean.”

Ian scratched his chin. “Alright, we aren’t going to take any chances on this. Celestia, I want you at the ready in case things go south, but don’t make a move unless I say so. Twilight, when we open the…do you here something?”

“I can’t hear anyth-”

“Shhh, listen.”

At first, nothing could be heard other than rustling of leaves in the wind, but then they heard a voice. “Huuuuuuuuuuuuumaaaaaaaaaaaaannn!” it called.

Twilight squinted down the road and saw a blue pony racing towards them. “I think it’s Lyra. And there’s something on her back.”

“It looks like Spike,” added the Princess. Ian looked at their feet and, sure enough, the lizard was gone.

“Humaaaaaaaaaan!” Lyra shouted again.

“What’s a human?” asked Twilight. Before Ian could answer, Lyra teleported headfirst into Twilight sending Spike into the side of a tree. Ian picked up Spike and dusted him off.

“You alright?”

Spike groaned and stretched his neck. “You’re a pony now.”

“Huh?” Spike pointed to the unicorn pinning Twilight to the ground.

“Twi can you do me next? This is so cool!”

“What are you-”

“I was thinking I’d look good with long hair,” interrupted the hyperactive mare. “I mean it’s up to you, but I’m just saying-”

Celestia lifted her off of Twilight and placed her gingerly onto the ground. “Lyra this is a very bad time. We’re in the middle of something very important.”

“I can help!”

“We have the situation under control.”

“But-”

“Lyra,” the Princess said sternly, “I’ve had enough. You need to leave.” Her words cut into Lyra like a knife, and tears welled up in her eyes. The mare had come so close to achieving her dream, only to have it torn away from her.

Her ears drooped and her head sank in shame. “I’m sorry Princess.” Her voice was almost inaudible. “I’ll go.”

“Thank you.”

Twilight placed a hoof on Lyra’s shoulder for comfort. “Actually there is something you can do.” Lyra’s ears pricked up. “I need somepony to clean up the library for me. If you do that, I’ll be happy to discuss this later.”

“And I’ll tell you what it’s like having thumbs,” added Ian proudly. Lyra let out a loud squeal and dashed off to the library with a cloud of dust trailing behind her.

“Well that was random.” With those words, a vase smashed through a window of Fluttershy’s cottage, narrowly missing the Princess’s head.

“SHUT UP,” barked Fluttershy. Several birds frantically flew out the shattered window, squawking in panic.

“She’s gotten worse,” Twilight said, worry prevalent in her voice.

“When the door opens, we need to pin her down before she has a chance to run. Celestia, Spike, don’t do anything unless I say so.”

The four approached Fluttershy’s door. Fluttershy could be heard yelling at someone on the other side. “I’ve put up with your attitude for years,” she said, almost dementedly. “I’m through being your doormat you ugly little brat!” Something shattered from within the house.

Twilight took a deep breath and knocked on the door three times. “Fluttershy,” she called in a friendly tone. “It’s Twilight.” There was no response, so Twilight knocked again. “Spike’s with me too. Can we talk?”

The door swung out violently, smacking Ian directly in the face and breaking his nose. “WHAT,” hollered the pegasus as a white bunny rabbit scurried past her hooves to cower behind the Princess. Without a word, Twilight lifted Fluttershy into the air and held her to the floor. “LET ME GO,” she shrieked. A look of wild hatred was in her eyes.

Ian walked in and wiped the blood from his nose. The bleeding had already stopped, but it was still incredibly painful and he couldn’t smell a thing. “We’re here to help you Fluttershy,” said Twilight in an attempt to calm her friend. “You’re not well.”

“Why would I want your help? I hate you! You’re always mocking me about my insecurities but everypony’s supposed to drop whatever they’re doing when you have a problem! Oh boo hoo hoo, my life is over because I forgot to write a stupid letter to the Princess,” mocked Fluttershy.

Celestia tried to appease the pegasus. “Fluttershy please-”

“I wasn’t talking to you fatty! Why don’t you get off your fat flank and do your job instead of making us do it for you! And what’s a baby dragon going to do to help me? Wet himself and cry? Stalk Rarity? And you,” she barked at Ian, “...I don’t know you, but I’m sure you’re a jerk!” She paused to catch her breath.

“You’re probably right,” said Ian as he knelt down next to her. “I’ve been told I’m a raging asshole. And I know what it’s like having to put up with everyone else’s issues-”

“Don’t patronize me!”

“Trust me I can’t even count the number of times I’ve wanted to stab someone in the face for pissing me off. I keep meeting people who expect everyone around them to listen to them complain about their bad day. Then when you have a problem, they say you need to get over it.”

“Exactly!” Fluttershy was still incredibly angry, but her guard had lowered a bit.

“Fluttershy, would you mind closing you eyes for a moment? Just humor me.” The pegasus glared at Ian and reluctantly closed her eyes. “I want you to take a deep breath in, and slowly breathe out,” Ian said calmly. He nudged Twilight and pointed to two small fang marks on Fluttershy’s neck. “Were you always this angry?”

“This is stupid,” she grumbled.

“I have a reason for doing this. You’ll see but I need you to think back to when you were happy.”

“Do you remember when the pegasi delivered water to Cloudsdale?” asked Twilight, “They couldn’t have done it without you.” Fluttershy’s body relaxed and her breathing slowed.

“Everypony cheering my name,” Fluttershy added with a slight smile. Her eye crinkled and her lower lip began to quiver. “I’m scared,” she cried. “Twilight I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay Fluttershy, we’re here for you.”

Ian turned to Celestia and motioned for her to pick up the pegasus. Celestia nodded and lifted Fluttershy towards her. “She needs to be put somewhere quiet, free from distractions. I know it doesn’t make sense, but she needs to be kept in a concentrated salt bath.”

“Am I going to die?”

“Not if I can help it, but I need you to be brave and stay calm.”

Fluttershy nodded as tears streamed down her cheeks.

Twilight bent down to Spike and whispered in his ear. “Look after her Spike. She needs a friend right now.” Spike didn’t question her and ran off after the Princess. Ian closed the door behind them and turned to the unicorn.

“Is there a reason you’re still here?”

“I want to help.”

Ian couldn’t stifle his laugh. He opened the door and stepped aside for her to pass. “What, you’re serious?” Twilight nodded, and Ian laughed even harder. “Look unicorn, I admire your loyalty to Fluttershy, but this is bigger than you. Go home.”

“No.”

This wasn’t funny anymore, now it was getting annoying. “Tell me,” Ian said as he walked toward the mare, “have you ever fought a Wabberjack before? Ah, of course you haven’t because you’re just a horse that lives in a tree.” He leaned down over her as she glared up at him. “I, on the other hand, have taken down more than I can count on my fingers.” He emphasized this by wiggling all ten of them in front of Twilight’s face. “I don’t need any help.”

Without breaking eye-contact, Twilight swatted his hands away with her hoof and sarcastically retorted, “Well tell me, have you ever been to Equestria before? Do you know a single thing about its geography, its cities, or its cultures? No?”

“I’m sure I’ll manage without a horse stapled to my side.”

“First of all: I’m a unicorn. Second: who needs fingers,” she said as she pulled Ian’s legs out from under him, “when you’ve spent your life studying magic?”

Ian didn’t like the idea of working with a Local, but she was right- he didn’t know a thing about her world. Plus a magic user was bound to be useful (or at least make good bait). “Also,” Twilight said proudly, “I have your gun.”

Ian knew when he was beaten. “Fine,” he said with a sigh.“You win.”

“You won’t regret this,” assured the mare. She noticed that Ian’s nose was broken. “Hold still,” she ordered, and before Ian could ask why, she popped his nose back in place.

“Son of a- oh god that hurt like hell!”

Twilight gaped as the bruising immediately faded away. “Amazing,” she muttered.

Ian inhaled through his nose and was instantly besieged by a terrible odor. “Ugh, do you smell that?”

“Smell what?”

He breathed in deep and shuttered at the smell. The stench stung his nostrils and burned his lungs. “This place,” he had to pause and cough, “it reeks of hydrochloric acid. The Wabberjack was definitely here.”

“Why can’t I smell it?”

Ian paced around the room, smelling every corner, shuttering all the while. “Because you aren’t designed to smell it.”

She wasn’t sure what that meant, but Twilight had bigger concerns. “What is a Wabberjack exactly? What did it do to Fluttershy?”

“Wabberjacks don’t kill their prey at first. They feed off of their victim’s best traits, if that makes sense.” Ian stopped to smell the fireplace.

“You’re saying it ate Fluttershy’s kindness?”

“Pretty much, and if we don’t find it, you’re friend’s going to die.” Ian could have worded the fact in a more pleasant way, but the thought didn’t occur to him.

Twilight felt her blood turn ice cold. Her heart beat frantically as cold sweat dripped from her pores. Her legs screamed at her to run, to do something, anything. If time was so important, why was Ian wasting it smelling the house? Every inch of her body quivered in panic. It became so unbearable that she finally burst out, “Well then why are we still here?”

Ian was busy sniffing the back door when Twilight hollered at him. “Speak of the devil, Twilight,” he said proudly, kicking the door off its hinges, “I found the bastard’s trail.” He skipped into Fluttershy’s backyard and sucked in the fresh air. He pointed off into the trees, “it went that way,” he called to Twilight.

Twilight gulped as she followed Ian’s finger. The Wabberjack had run into, “the Everfree Forest.”

“What’s the matter Twilight? Getting cold feet?”

Welcome to the Jungle (Forest)!

After Ian and Twilight had ransacked Fluttershy’s house for whatever supplies they could find, the two set out for the Everfree Forest. Twilight had entered this forest dozens of times to visit Zecora and over time it had lost much of its spooky vibe; however, that’s not to say she’d care to spend a Sunday reading a book or taking a nap here.

But something had changed about the Everfree Forest: it had become more ominous than ever. The trees loomed over Twilight, almost as if they were watching her, waiting for her. The wind that blew through the woods whispered death in her ears. Every gust of wind made the trees creak and moan as if they were shouting at her to leave.

Twilight also couldn’t shake the feeling that she was being watched. A thousand invisible eyes were fixed on her and she swore that, when she turned away, she could see them. Maybe the Wabberjack was watching her from the trees, waiting for her to fall behind Ian. When that thought entered her mind, she pressed ever closer to his side. She hated to admit it, but Ian was probably her best hope for survival at the moment.

“You seem nervous,” teased Ian. He still wasn’t happy that she was tagging along.

“Me? No, I’m fine,” Twilight nervously answered. Wind moaned through the trees and sent chills down her spine. In a hushed voice she started to sing, “So giggle at the ghostly, guffaw at the grossly, crack up at the creepy, whoop it up with the weepy-”

A stick snapped beneath Ian’s foot and Twilight yelped in fright. “If this is you fine, I don’t want to see you scared.”

He waited for her retort, but she was too nervous to say anything. Ian couldn’t stand the awkward silence; he needed to cheer her up, but how? Then he remembered a song he used to listen to when he was younger. At first, he could only remember a few words, but then he heard the drums, the guitar, and the glorious bass! “Welcome to the jungle,” he sang as best he could, “we’ve got fun ‘n games, we got everything you want, honey we know the names!”

Ian gesticulated the rest, making it as over the top as possible. “We are the people who can find whatever you may need. If you got the money honey we got your disease! In the jungle,” he turned to Twilight, “welcome to the jungle watch it bring you to your- shananananananana knees, knees!”

His ridiculous moves and terrible vocals sent Twilight into a giggle fit. “How does the rest go?” she jubilantly asked.

“Eh, it’s been years since I’ve heard that song. We’re lucky I remember that much.”

“It’s catchy.” Twilight didn’t notice it, but Ian was grinning. “It sounds like one crazy jungle.”

“It’s the iron jungle. Probably New York City but I don’t remember. Guy meets girl, guy hits on girl, guy sleeps with girl.”

“You’ve got to be joking,” she said in disbelief, “sex?”

“Nope. It was like an unspoken law that every rock back needed at least one song about sex. KISS had Love Gun, AC/DC had You Shook Me All Night Long, Foreigner had Hot Blooded-”

“It sounds like a very,” she paused to find a pleasant word, “interesting style.”

“Oh it was the best,” he said nostalgically. “Nothing got my blood moving like a good rock song.”

“Well to each his own I guess.”

“Yeah,” he paused, amazed he could remember that much. “Damn that’s incredible,” he muttered.

“What?”

Ian looked down at Twilight and smiled. “I haven’t heard those bands in over eight hundred years but I can still hear the instruments.”

“The mind sure is a….h-hold on,” she stammered wide-eyed, “did you say eight hundred years?” Her jaw had dropped. “Sedatives don’t affect you, you survive crashing head-first into a tree, your bruises heal instantly, and now you’re telling me you’ve been alive for over eight hundred years?”

“I lost count after nine hundred.” Ian had stopped caring about his age after two hundred, but he still loved the Locals’ reactions whenever he told them.

Twilight stopped, dumbfounded. “I can see why Lyra wants to be a human.”

“I’m not a human,” Ian said casually, “not anymore at least.”

Twilight jumped in front of him. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

After a pause, Ian shook his head. “You wouldn’t believe me.” He tried to step around her but Twilight refused to let him pass.

“Tell me anyway,” Twilight demanded. She pursed her lips into a pout and made the biggest puppy dog eyes she could manage. “Please,” she whimpered. It was the most adorable thing Ian had ever seen.

After a long drawn out groan, Ian finally surrendered. “Oh alright fine just put the eyes away.” He pondered how to make it sound as plausible as possible, but he was struggling. “What if I told you your universe wasn’t the only one?”

“Do you mean like the multiverse theory?”

“Yes.” He was surprised she knew about it. “Most people believe that every universe is isolated from the others-”

“Except for parallel universes,” Twilight corrected.

“What people don’t know is that it is possible to cross between universes, parallel or not. Each universe is connected by one massive hub world, and from here you can travel anywhere.” Ian was unsure how to word the next part without sounding ludicrous. “Are you religious Twilight?”

“Why? Are you saying you’re an angel?” She meant it as a joke.

“That’s what we call ourselves, yes. And the Wabberjack- we call it a Demon.”

Twilight’s expression remained unchanged. “I have another question: Did it hurt?”

“Did what hurt?”

Twilight pushed up close to Ian and batted her eyelashes. In a surprisingly seductive voice, she asked, “When you fell from Heaven?”

“You don’t believe me, do you?”

She turned and walked away, flicking him with her tail. “Not even a little.” If Ian had said he was an alien, Twilight would have believed him; she didn’t deny the existence of extra-terrestrials, but something as far-fetched as a divine being was too much for her to accept.

Ian figured Twilight would be useless in a fight, but at least she was good company. “Should I bother asking why you crashed into my house,” she called back to him.

“Because Mark’s a stupid asshole!” He raised his middle fingers to the storm clouds above him and shouted, “I hope you’re watching this you jag!”

“You are really weird,” she said with a smirk.

“Good weird or bad weird?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Well,” he said proudly, “thanks to my weirdness, you’ve stopped eyeballing the trees.”

Twilight halted. She was amazed how easily she had forgotten about the forest. The trees seemed just as ominous as before, but they didn’t bother her now. The howling wind had become nothing more than a minor annoyance. The piercing stares of the invisible eyes were gone and even the Wabberjack felt miles away. She felt safe.

The pair walked on through the forest, talking almost constantly. Even though Twilight didn’t believe it, she listened eagerly as Ian regaled her with the tale of Mark, who had supposedly gotten drunk and launched Ian into Equestria seven miles above ground. Twilight wasn’t the type to believe something simply because someone said it. Her inquisitive nature refused to accept the mind-boggling things he described without proof, but she loved hearing him talk.

When Ian grew tired of talking about himself (which took a while), Twilight told him about Equestria. He never interrupted her, but he always asked her questions when she had finished. The subject matter wasn’t the most fascinating thing he’d ever heard, but it was interesting, and Twilight was enjoying the opportunity to flaunt her knowledge. The stories that did grip him, however, were the ones about Twilight herself; it was a fun way to learn about her.

Before they knew it, the moon had risen, bathing the Everfree Forest in a blue tint. The temperature had also dropped considerably, but neither Twilight nor Ian seemed to mind.

“I’m sure she’s a perfectly lovely mare,” Ian said to the giggling unicorn. “And she has the voice of an angel, but all I’m saying is that it wouldn’t hurt if she got out of the castle more often.”

“I’m going to tell her you said that,” she laughed. Ian could never get over hearing her laugh; it was the perfect mixture of poise and cuteness. It was music to his ears.

“Would you mind waiting until I’m gone?” he asked politely. “I’d really like not to die again.”

Twilight rolled her eyes when he said ‘again,’ but she couldn’t stop smiling.“She wouldn’t kill you-”

“Are you kidding?” Ian said incredulously. “When I called her thunder-thighs, I thought she was going to light me on fire!”

“Then it’s a good thing I was there.”

Ian nodded and stuck out his chin while furrowing his brow, pretending to be in deep thought. “For future reference, maybe I should try not to piss off the people in charge.”

“I think that’s a brilliant idea,” she said sarcastically.

“Of course it is. I thought of it.”

Twilight purposefully shoved Ian to the side with her shoulder. “Don’t flatter yourself.”

Lightning flashed in the distance and the ground quaked with force. “I think it might rain soon.” As if cued by Ian’s words, water poured down, drenching everything.

“You just had to say something,” she said deadpan.

“Speak of the devil, right?” He stuck his tongue out to taste the rain. It may very well have been the best water he had ever tasted.

Twilight shook her dripping wet bangs out of her eyes. “Let’s find someplace dry before we get sick.”

The mare closed her eyes and concentrated on her spell. Her horn glistened pink as her magic charged up. When her horn radiated a blinding pink light, a pulse of magical energy burst from her body, spreading in all directions. It phased through Ian and the trees and disappeared into the forest. After a few seconds of silence, save for the rain, the pulse came rushing back, smashing into Twilight with a violent rumble.

Twilight opened her eyes and ran past Ian, who was still trying to recover. He would have asked what the hell just happened, but he couldn’t hear a damn thing. Even his thoughts sounded muffled. Furthermore, there was large pink smudge everywhere he looked, as if he had been staring at a light bulb for too long.

Ian’s eyes recovered just in time to see Twilight leap over a bush, and he immediately gave chase. He leapt over the bush with such ease that he was able to grab a tree branch and swing through the air, landing onto a nearby branch. The trees here had few leaves on them, so he had a clear path to follow.

Twilight peered over her shoulder to check that Ian was still with her, but she couldn’t spot him. She skidded to a halt and frantically turned about hoping to find him. Panic began to eat away at her until a twig hit her in the back of the head.

“Trying to lose me are you,” Ian called, leaning against a tree branch, trying to look cool. He really hoped the branch under him could hold his weight or he’d look like an idiot.

“There’s a cave nearby,” Twilight shouted above the storm. “Want to race?”

“It’ll be embarrassing.”

“For you,” she taunted and sped off.

The unicorn was certainly quick, but so was Ian. He effortlessly flew from one branch to the next, never taking his eye off of Twilight, yet constantly looking for the next thing to grab. Unfortunately, Ian still managed to misjudge the strength of a branch, which snapped, sending him directly into a very thick tree trunk.

Ian was then greeted by a very friendly patch of mud which cushioned his fall. Twilight washed the mud off by dropping a large ball of rainwater onto him.

“What was that about embarrassment?” Twilight teased as she ran circles around him.

Before Ian had gotten to his feet, Twilight was already running off. He shot into a full-blown sprint and caught up with her again. Neither one showed any signs of tiring, but Ian felt like he was going to pass out.

The cave was a welcome sight to Ian, but he couldn’t slack off now. There was no way he’d let himself lose to a Local. At the last moment, he lurched forward and collapsed on the cave floor wheezing. They had tied.

Twilight shook her body, flinging water all over Ian. He would have said something about it, but he was too tired to care.

“What’s wrong Ian? Tired?” Twilight stepped over him and dropped her saddlebag by his head. “Are you hungry?”

“Is there a cheeseburger in there?” Ian panted.

“Sorry,” she said as she dug through the bag. “We have oats, carrots, broccoli-”

“Meatball sub?”

Twilight levitated a red apple to her mouth and bit in with loud, satisfying crunch. “Would an apple do?”

Ian waved it away in disgust. He found the little things revolting. Twilight floated an apple under his nose to tempt him. “Are you sure? The Apple family makes delicious apples.”

“I don’t need to eat.” He followed the apple as Twilight dangled it above his eyes. His stomach growled ravenously at the sight of food.

“You want to eat the apple,” she said hypnotically. “You need the apple!”

Ian snatched the apple and bit in. His eyes lit up as the sweet juices hit his tongue. “I hate apples, but this is freaking amazing.”

“I told you,” she said proudly. “There’s more if you like.”

“Maybe you were right to come along,” he admitted after they were done eating. “I don’t know how you knew this cave was here. Nice job.”

“Thanks. It’s similar to the echolocation bats use.” She rubbed her arms together. “Except I used magic instead of sound waves.”

“Pretty clever.”

“Of course it is. I thought of it.” Her breath condensed in the air. “Is it me,” she shivered, “or is it getting colder?”

“I can’t feel my arms,” Ian answered casually. He was hoping the way he said it would make Twilight laugh, or at the very least smile.

“How are you so relaxed about that? Aren’t you freezing?” Twilight shuddered and rubbed her arms again. “I know I am.”

“Once you’ve been buried in the snow for three days, the rain isn’t that bad.” He figured he’d try another joke. “Or maybe I have hypothermia,” he added, mentally kicking himself for how unfunny it sounded.

She stared longingly at the sopping wet trees outside and rubbed her shoulder. “If it weren’t for this darn rain we could make a fire.”

“If it weren’t for this darn rain we wouldn’t be freezing,” he languidly pointed out. He closed his eyes and started to doze off.

She ran her options through her head, but the cold was making it hard to think clearly. “If we huddle together, we might be able to stay warm.”

Ian rolled onto his side and held up his arm. Twilight moved the saddlebag out the way and laid down next to him. The instant her back touched his frigid clothes, she yelped in shock. “Sweet Celestia Ian, your shirt’s as cold as ice!”
With a yawn, Ian pulled the shirt up over his head and tossed it to the side. He shuddered as the chilling air stabbed into him. It certainly wasn’t as bad as the snow, but it was damn close. Ian could feel the cold down in his bones, but with Twilight pressed against him, it was more bearable.

“Do you want to know why I don’t believe you?” Twilight asked.

“I’m dying to know,” he said, half asleep. Despite the way he said it, he really did want to know.

“If you found Heaven,” she lifted her head to look at him, “why aren’t you there?”

Ian let out a heavy yawn and smacked his lips together. “Assuming we don’t freeze to death, I’ll tell you tomorrow.”

Twilight might have said something after that, but Ian had already fallen asleep.

Every dream Ian had was the same. Each night, he would open his eyes and see nothing but darkness. There was no sound, touch or smell, only an infinite universe of nothingness. It was impossible for him to move or think, but he could still comprehend what was around him (or what wasn’t).

The night in the cave was no different for Ian, except tonight the groan of a tree blowing over woke him up. The rain had subsided a bit and echoed through the cave like a theater of applause. The wind sang to him as the timpani rumbled along. He could almost picture himself watching a symphony in a massive theater.

He breathed in deep through his nostrils and smiled. The fresh scent of rain was always soothing to him, even with the faint stench of hydrochloric acid; but there was something else in the air here: the musty odor of old books.
Ian opened his eyes and looked at the sleeping unicorn under his arm. He inhaled again and, sure enough, Twilight smelled like an ancient book. There was nothing else he could compare the scent with other than books. It was unique, like the smell of rain. It was special.

Twilight shuddered in her sleep and nuzzled her muzzle against his other arm, which she was currently using as a pillow. With every breath he felt a rush of warmth on his arm followed by a chilling cold. The sensation was slightly distracting, but it didn’t bother Ian too badly. In fact, it was rather nice.

The mare shuddered again and moved her legs closer to her stomach. Ian pondered why she did this and concluded that Twilight’s legs were cold and her stomach was warm, her stomach was cold and her legs were warm, or both were cold. He repositioned himself so his arm covered her belly and his hand could go between her front legs. Her legs were quite warm, but he couldn’t bring himself to remove his hand. Without realizing it, he gently ran his hand up and down her leg, admiring the warmth.

A peculiar feeling began to stir inside Ian. His body was freezing, but he still felt warm. It was as if there was something in his chest, and it was slowly spreading throughout him. Ian felt something tickling him on the inside, and his heartbeat began to quicken. Whatever this feeling was, he liked it.

He took in another heavenly whiff of rain and books and slowly exhaled. The Wabberjack was gone from his mind; all Ian could do was admire the things around him. He thanked the Everfree Forest for starting a conversation between him and Twilight, he thanked the storm for bringing them to this cave, and he thanked the cold for bringing them closer together.

Ian’s eyes shot open with that last thought. A new feeling began brewing inside of him, blocking out all of the pleasurable sensations. His gut felt like it was being ripped away from him, but it wasn’t being torn out, it was being torn in. A void was expanding inside him and he could feel its horrifying emptiness.

Something was wrong with him, but what was it? Angels didn’t catch diseases, so he immediately ruled out that possibility. He knew he wasn’t under attack because he couldn’t smell anything other than rain, books, and the hint of hydrochloric acid. There was something fundamentally wrong about him but he couldn’t figure it out! He felt helpless and began to panic.

A sudden realization dawned on him: HE WAS SPOONING A PONY!

Ian immediately yanked his arm out from under Twilight and threw himself against the wall, ready to vomit. The powerful emptiness had almost entirely consumed him, but he could still feel the pain. He could hear nothing but the thunderous pounding of his heart, which felt like it was about to burst out of his ribcage. Every bone in his body felt like it was about to rip out of him and run away in disgust.

His brain screamed at him to run as fast as he possibly could, but he couldn’t bring himself to move. Ian’s thoughts had become incomprehensible. Every thought spawned a thousand images, and every image spawned a thousand thoughts.

There was nothing Ian could do but stare at Twilight. She was hideous…she was beautiful…

He missed the darkness.

Storytime and Philosophy with...Morpheus?

The morning greeted Ian like it did a man waking up from a ten year drinking binge. His entire body ached in a pain unlike anything he had felt in centuries, the very glimpse of sunlight sent a thousand invisible knives deep into his skull, he felt like he was going to throw up every scrap of food he had ever eaten, and he couldn’t shake the feeling that he had done something horrible the night before. There was really no better way to describe how positively dreadful he felt. Twilight, on the other hand, was beaming with joy.

“Time to wake up,” she chortled.

Ian buried his face into the ground and groaned bitterly. The last thing he wanted to be reminded of was Twilight. The mental image of him wrapping his arms around her brought chunks of food to the back of his mouth.

“You’re not a fan of mornings, are you?” Twilight joked.

“Is it that obvious?” Ian grumbled.

Twilight shoved Ian onto his back and scowled. “Let’s go, the Wabberjack isn’t going to catch itself!”

“I just need five minutes to wake up,” he said drowsily. “Five minutes and we can go.” It would be five minutes without having to see Twilight and Ian wanted to savor it.

Twilight leaned down as silently as she could and closed her eyes. A tiny spark arched from Twilight’s horn into Ian’s shoulder, jolting him to his feet.

“Gah!” He yelled in shock.

“Oh good,” she said cheerfully, “you’re awake.”

Ian grumbled as he rubbed his eyes and pulled his damp shirt over his head. “What’re you so happy about?”

“I guess I slept well. I take it you had a rough night.”

“Nightmare,” Ian lied as he walked out of the cave. He took care not to look at Twilight.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No, I’d rather not remember it,” he answered bitterly as the sunlight blinded him. It was like the morning was trying to piss him off.

“It might help to tell me,” she said looking up at him. He turned away so he didn’t have to look at her beautiful face. “You never know-”

Ian took a deep, calming breath and turned to Twilight. He cringed when he looked into her eyes. They reminded him of amethysts. “Look, Twilight,” he said rudely. “I don’t mean to be a prick, but I really don’t feel like talking. Please drop it.” He walked away before she could respond.

“Do you at least want breakfast?” Twilight asked, disheartened. The way her voice whimpered as she said it made Ian want to cry; the thought that he had hurt her was excruciating.

He had to be strong and ignore her no matter how painful it was. With another set of calming breaths, he walked on silently. The sooner he could find the Wabberjack, the sooner he could get the hell out of Equestria and forget about Twilight. Ian hated that no thought had ever filled him with so much dread. What the hell was it that that he found so appealing about her? She was a pony!

Twilight made an excellent companion, but the idea of her as a…he didn’t want to think what else she could be. She was smart, funny, considerate, and incredibly entertaining, but that didn’t change the fact that she was a pony. The way he felt for her was unnatural, sick. He was sick.

If he was sick, was there a cure? Was it something as simple as turning off a switch in his mind? Did he need therapy? Maybe he should be castrated? He was only spit-balling the last one, but the more he thought about it, the better it sounded.

Sex was frowned upon among the Angels (it was generally viewed as an unnecessary distraction), but Ian had never dwelled much on it. He’d been to Earth and her colonies more times than he cared to count and there were any number of women, including tramps, he could sleep with. None of them, however, were able to engage him like Twilight could. Surely that meant there was something wrong with him. He wasn’t just sick, he was flawed...a freak.

The morning passed by without a word from either of them, much to Ian’s relief. When he concentrated on the Wabberjack he was able to block Twilight from his thoughts. He felt at peace walking through the forest smelling the fowl air; it gave him a sense of purpose. The Angels had entrusted him with this task, and he’d be damned if was going to let them down. His purpose was to hunt. His purpose was to kill.

Being an Angel brought Ian the feeling that he had a place in life. He was a lost cause, only capable of taking for himself, but the Angels gave him a reason to exist. They gave him abilities beyond the grasp of any mortal, they showed him the deepest secrets of the multiverse, and most importantly, they saved his soul. To turn his back on everything they had ever given him for an abominable relationship with a beast was foolish.

Yes, he thought to himself, he was foolish. He had been so starved for attention that he had latched onto the first female willing to speak to him. The feelings he had for Twilight were nothing more than delusions- a ridiculous fixation. There was no spark between them, only an unnatural physical attraction. Once he was off this two dimensional rock, he’d be able to get the help he needed and move on with his life.

Ian had been so preoccupied with his own thoughts that he hadn’t even noticed the moon rise above him. The cold night air had a strange comfort to it, and he felt like he could finally smile.

“Ian?” Twilight asked. “You never told me why you aren’t in Heaven.”

“Why does it matter? I thought you didn’t believe me.”

“It just seemed like a pretty obvious plot hole,” she said with a shrug. “I like my stories to make sense.”

“It’s because I didn’t get in,” he said with pride. “I wasn’t worthy. But the Angels,” he said waving his finger, “they gave me a home. I owe them everything.”

“What makes somebody ‘worthy’?”

“You’re asking the wrong person.”

Ian breathed in the cold air, letting the stench of the Wabberjack fill him like a balloon. The smell was magical, but there was something else in the air. Someone was cooking meat.

“Do you smell that Twi?”

Twilight gagged at the smell. “Regretfully.”

Ian turned to Twilight and grinned. “Let’s see if we can make some new friends, shall we?” He didn’t bother to let Twilight answer; he was already following his nose.

The aroma of cooked meat beckoned Ian onward until it led him into the campsite of a fat orange dragon. The dragon must have been almost nine feet tall, and the flames from the fire accentuated his portly figure. Ian waited for the lizard to spot him and run screaming, but it didn’t. “Hello there,” he greeted in an earth rumbling bass.

A greeting…he definitely wasn’t expecting that. “Pardon our intrusion,” Ian said politely, “but what is that wonderful smell?”

“Deer. Would you like some?”

“I would love some!”

“Then come and sit,” the dragon bellowed. “There’s plenty to go around.”

Hot damn! Not only was this guy friendly but he also didn’t care what Ian looked like. Ian laughed and sat down by the dragon. “Come on Twilight, don’t be shy.”

“Don’t you think we should keep moving?” Twilight asked as she sat down next to him.

“Sometimes it’s best to sit and enjoy the beauty around you my little pony.”

“Yes, but we are in a hurry.”

Ian looked up at the dragon and smiled. “Excuse us for a moment.” Ian leaned over to Twilight and cupped his hands around her ears. “How often do you see a generous dragon?” Ian whispered.

Twilight pulled away from him in shock. She didn’t utter a word, but her expression said everything. Ian cupped his hands around her ears again and whispered, “He won’t be harmed Twilight, I promise. But you can’t deny the Wabberjack would love him. I promise he’ll be okay.” Her stare screamed at him that this was wrong, but she nodded nonetheless.

“What are you two whispering about?”

“Just how strange it is to see a generous dragon. I’ve always heard they like to hoard things.” Now to play the innocence card. “I-I’m sorry,” Ian stammered, “I didn’t mean to offend you.”

“Oh no my friend,” the dragon reassured, “it’s quite alright. I guess I am a little strange.”

“Aren’t we all?”

The dragon extended his hand to Ian. “The name’s Morpheus.”

Ian’s face lit up in amusement. “Oh my God,” Ian laughed, vigorously shaking the dragon’s hand. “That’s the greatest name I’ve ever heard!”

“Thank you,” Morpheus smiled. He reached into a small bag at his side and tossed a gemstone into his mouth. “Would either of you care for a gemstone?”

“No thank you,” Twilight said politely, still trying to get over the smell of roasting deer.

Ian suddenly gasped in excitement. “Do you have any reds or blues?”

The dragon rummaged through the bag and pulled out two large gems- a ruby and a sapphire. “I have both.”

Ian fell onto his side laughing uncontrollably. Quite possibly the only thing that would make this moment more amazing to Ian would be if Morpheus had sunglasses and a leather coat. “Um, Ian?” Twilight asked, utterly confused. “Are you okay?”

“Just-just give me a- sec,” he gasped. Without even looking, he knew they were both staring at him. How could they not? They had no idea why he had burst into laughter, but in all honesty, he didn’t care. If Mark was watching, he was probably laughing just as hard as Ian.

Ian pushed himself back up, trying his best not to laugh. “I’ll take the blue one.”

The deep blue sapphire had a special allure to it that Ian found fascinating. No matter what way he turned the stone, the firelight made it shimmer with an incredible luster. It was a shame that something so beautiful had come so close to being destroyed. Maybe he was over thinking it, but he felt like he had done a good deed by saving this gemstone. One end slimmed down to a surprisingly sharp point, and when he pressed his finger to it, it drew blood with ease. “This’ll make a good knife,” he told Twilight as he spun it in his hand.

“I’m curious,” Morpheus said. “Why are you two so deep into the Everfree Forest?”

“Treasure hunting,” Twilight lied. “I was in the Canterlot archives when I found an old map of the Everfree Forest. I hired Ian for protection.”

Morpheus’s chuckle shook the ground. “Then I hope you find what you’re looking for. Treasure’s never interested me.”

“Really?”

“Have you ever heard of the ‘Winged Death’?”

“Are you kidding?” Twilight was incredulous. “Who hasn’t heard of the dragon that almost single-hoofedly reduced the Crystal Kingdom to ash?”

Ian silently raised his hand, but Twilight swatted it away. It was blocking her view of the legend sitting before her. Morpheus looked astoundingly like the paintings of the beast, only he was much smaller. He even had a long vertical scar running down his abdomen, just like the one the Winged Death had. Coming here suddenly seemed like a terrible idea. “Are you going to eat us?” she squeaked.

“What?” Morpheus and Ian said in unison. Both of them looked confused and slightly disgusted with the question.

“Of course I’m not going to eat you,” the dragon said. “Why would I want to do that?”

“It sounded like you were saying were the Winged Death,” Twilight said nervously.

“The way I see it, I am not the Winged Death and I never was. The only link between us is that we used the same body.” Basically, it was a really smarmy way for him to say he changed. “The Winged Death had enough gold and silver to fill three mountains, but he never had enough. He wasted so many years of his life going from one country to another, burning, maiming, and devouring anything that got in his way. It didn’t matter how many things he had though; he always needed more.

“Sleep was next impossible for him and he would spend months at a time staring at the mouth of his cave, waiting for something to run in. On the rare occasions he did fall asleep, he’d have horrible nightmares about losing his fortune.” The dragon bit into a diamond.

Debating the definition of the ‘self’ would have been fun, but Ian was too enthralled with Morpheus’ life. This guy could have the answer to Ian’s…problem. “What’d he do?”

“When he realized that nothing he owned brought him any joy, he died, I was born, and I abandoned the fortune.”

“That’s it?” Ian was incredibly underwhelmed.

Morpheus leaned back. “I knew it was nothing but a pile of useless sparkling trinkets, so I had no problem leaving it behind. Now I spend my days wandering the forest, only taking what I need and sharing the rest.” He flicked the gem bag in distaste. “Even this feels excessive.”

“What did the other dragons think?” Twilight asked. It was hard to ask without gagging.

“I don’t know,” said Morpheus. “And frankly I don’t care. My life here doesn’t affect anyone other than myself, and I’m happy, so why should I waste time worrying what they think?”

The dragon cut a generous slice of meat with his claw and tossed it into Ian’s eager hands. “Enough about me,” he chimed. “Tell me about yourselves.”

“I think Ian should go first,” Twilight said with a hoof over her nose.

After a daylong hike to think, and a splendid encounter with Morpheus, Ian was in a good mood. In fact, he felt like having a little fun. “Alright,” Ian said with a grin. “I’ve got a story for you Twilight.” The way he said it was very unsettling to Twilight.

“Three years ago I was sent to a distant country called Bren. Merchants were telling stories of hideous creatures haunting them on their trade route, and some people had even vanished in the middle of the night. One night I was escorting a caravan through the forest,” he said and paused for dramatic effect. “And that’s when I saw them.” He slowly moved towards Twilight, doing his best to seem as creepy as possible.

“Up on the hill,” he pointed to a tree, “It was watching us.” Ian noticed Twilight gulp. “She looked human, like me, but she was a monstrosity. Thin white clothes wrapped around her skeletal body, waving in the breeze with her pitch black hair. Her skin was as cold and pale as a corpse, and her neck-” he cricked his head unnaturally toward his shoulder “-hung limply as if it had been snapped.” Twilight pushed herself away from him.

“We could see them behind the trees, dozens of them.” He slowly crawled toward Twilight. “Men…women…children, all staring at us with wide dead eyes, and their jaws hung lifelessly,” he said, mimicking their faces. “They’d surrounded us, and they were closing in.” Ian’s movements were jittery and unnatural, like a machine breaking down one gear at a time. A low weak gurgle emanated from Ian’s throat and he shakily reached for Twilight, grabbing the dirt instead.

He pulled himself over Twilight and leaned close to her face. “H-how did you escape?”

“Escape?” Ian said blankly. “You don’t escape.” With one kick, Ian scattered the campfire logs, leaving Twilight in darkness. Ian rolled away from Twilight and jumped behind a bush without a sound.

Morpheus replaced the logs and relit the fire, but Ian was still gone. “Alright Ian,” she called. “You’ve had your fun.” There was a long unnerving silence, which was then broken by Ian’s gurgle. “Ian?”

Out of nowhere Ian covered Twilight’s mouth so she couldn’t scream and pinned her to the ground by the neck. He gurgled as he moved centimeters to her face, staring blankly into her beautiful purple eyes. When their faces were practically touching and he could smell an old book, he blew air onto her nose. She snorted in annoyance. “Gotcha’,” he said and smiled, leaning back.

“It wasn’t that scary.”

“You looked pretty scared to me,” Ian teased.

“It was a jump scare,” she smirked.

“Or maybe I’m a great storyteller.”

She gingerly placed her hoof on Ian’s chest and his heart began to race. “What did I say about flattering yourself?” Before Ian could say something, she shoved him off. “What really happened?”

Ian helped Twilight upright and took a seat on the opposite side of the fire, in case she was going to hit him. “They formed a circle around our caravan and just stared at us. The people I was protecting had guns, but they were too terrified to do anything so I was basically alone. Nothing happened until the woman from the hill walked toward us. She stopped a couple yards away from me, held out her palm," Ian said, raising his palm. “The she gurgled at us. Then they all did.

“I don’t remember what made me do it, but I put away my gun and walked up to her. When I put my hand on hers...” he dropped his arm. “She smiled.”

“They were friendly?”

“One of the men in the caravan had been bitten by a snake and they wanted to help him. Those things had spent every night looking after them. They fought off animals, bandits, Demons...hell they even kept stormclouds off the trail just to make things easier for the humans.”

“That’s wonderful.”

“I have to deal with the same damn thing all the time- having everyone fear you when you’re only trying to help.” He dug a hole in the dirt with his finger. “Having them think you’re a monster.”

“They only see what’s on the outside,” said Morpheus.

“Exactly,” he said, flicking the dirt into the fire. “So, I guess what I’m getting at is um-” he looked up at the mare through the flames. "Thanks for talking to me Twilight.” She smiled and looked at her hooves in embarrassment. “And you too,” he said, patting the ground by Morpheus’ foot.

“That was a great story,” the dragon chuckled. “It’s always a pleasure making new friends.” He gently nudged Ian’s shoulder, but it was still strong enough to knock Ian on his side. “Okay Twilight, now it’s your turn.”

“Actually I have something else to say.” Ian stood up and dusted himself off. “We lied to you Morpheus, we aren’t looking for treasure. Twilight and I are looking for a dangerous creature called a Wabberjack, and I planned on using you as bait. And I’m sorry for telling you to go along with it,” he said to Twilight. “That was wrong.”

After an uncomfortable silence, Morpheus leaned forward and rested his chin on his hand. “Why me,” Morpheus asked, intrigued. “Why not use something like a deer?”

“The Wabberjack feeds off of a person’s best traits-”

“And a charitable dragon would be a buffet.”

Ian looked at his feet in shame and nodded.

“I can’t say I like the idea of being bait,” the dragon sighed, rising to his feet, “especially when it’s not my choice, but I appreciate your honesty.”

“You should leave the forest until it’s safe,” Ian said meekly.

Morpheus laughed harder than ever. “Why would I do that?” He clapped his claws together and cracked his knuckles. “Let’s go kill a Wabberjack!”

Author's Note

I'm not proud of this chapter. It feels incomplete but I'm not sure what I need to fix.

Tentacles and Naps

The Everfree Forest had an unnatural quietness to it tonight. There were no ominous gusts of wind, no drizzle of rain, not even the distant howl of a timber wolf. It was as if the forest had been stripped of its essence, now nothing but an empty husk.

“What made you do it?” Twilight asked in a hushed tone. She was almost afraid to disturb the silence. She and Ian were perched in a high tree, hidden by its leaves, but the cover offered little comfort. She had been gung-ho to confront the Wabberjack, but now that the big moment was approaching, she was having second thoughts.

“What?” Ian whispered, not bothering to look at her. All of his senses were searching for the Wabberjack.

Twilight fidgeted with the branches, wincing at the noise she made. Ponies were certainly not designed to climb trees! “Why’d you tell Morpheus?”

Ian shifted around to look at her, confused. “Should I have been a dick about it? You’re the one who was appalled with the idea.”

“But you were so sure about your plan. You almost seemed proud of it.” That had been the part that truly unsettled Twilight.

“I changed my mind,” he said as he turned away from her. He peered through the leaves to check on Morpheus, who had fallen asleep. Morpheus’ original campsite was too constricting for Ian, so they’d decided to set their trap in a large field of flowers. It was a shame that a place so beautiful and tranquil would soon be the site of a slaughter. “He’s a good person. And he was able to do something I couldn’t,” he glanced back at Twilight, “it didn’t feel right using someone like that.”

“What couldn’t you do?”

“I-” Ian couldn’t tell her no matter how hard he wanted to. She was one of the few Locals he liked and he didn’t want her thinking he was a freak. “I think I can get a better view over there,” he said, pointing to the other side of the field. The view was probably much worse, but he was desperate to get away from Twilight before he said something stupid. Without a sound he jumped to the neighboring tree, but he could hear Twilight clumsily stand up to follow. “Twilight.”

“Yes?” She took one step and almost fell out of the tree.

He gestured for her to wait, which was pointless since she could barely see him. “You need to stay here.”

“B-by myself?” He heard her gulp. “What if the Wabberjack finds me?”

“It won’t-”

“You can’t know that for sure.” Her voice was starting to rise and Ian could hear the branch swaying beneath her. If she wasn’t careful, she’d ruin the trap.

“Twilight,” he said sweetly, “you’re going to be fine. We’re going to take down the Wabberjack and save Fluttershy, but you need to trust me.”

Twilight was silent for a time, but Ian could hear her deep breathing. “I must sound hysterical right now,” she joked.

“You should’ve seen me the first time I fought a Wabberjack. I had a panic attack and curled up in the fetal position. You’re doing fine.”

“How do you deal with it- the fear?”

Ian jumped back into her tree and put a hand on her shoulder. “I’m going to tell you what they told me when I joined the Angels: Courage isn’t the absence of fear.” His thumb brushed through her magnificently soft fur. “It’s the will to act despite it.” He felt his hand linger a little too long and yanked it away. It was best to get away from her quickly so he shifted his feet to jump. “Oh,” he paused, realizing he had forgotten something important, “I’m gonna’ need my gun back.”

There was a loud pop as his silver pistol appeared in his hand; hopefully no one heard it. Despite the loud noise though, he couldn’t help but smile holding the gun. It was like he had been reunited with a long lost friend. “Be careful,” he heard Twilight say.

Twilight had no clue how long she had been sitting in the tree, but it was getting more uncomfortable with every agonizingly dull minute. She had been sitting still for so long that her hind legs had fallen asleep. Moving them was out of the question, though, because no matter how hard she tried being quiet, she kept making noise. She couldn’t help but feel a little jealous of how easy it was to Ian.

Out of nowhere, a disgusting growl pounded on Twilight’s eardrums. Pure terror ran through her body, and it took all her strength not to scream at the sight of the beast. She held her breath and prayed to Celestia that the behemoth wouldn’t spot her. It raised its canine-like head and flared its nostrils. What if it smelled her! Twilight’s first thought was to drop from the tree and run, but she knew she couldn’t; Fluttershy needed her, Morpheus needed her, Ian needed her. She had to be brave.

Twilight’s chest ached as the carbon dioxide built up in her lungs. She could feel her pounding heart as it thumped rapidly in terror. Darkness was closing in around her and she struggled not to pass out. If the beast didn’t move in a few seconds, it wouldn’t matter how quiet she was. She tried to imagine her friends, hoping they would give her strength, but even the slightest thought felt impossible.

The Wabberjack let out three hoarse grunts and a long, oozing tentacle slithered out of its mouth and dangled in the night air. Twilight felt sick as she saw two small pincers slide out of the tip.

Then the monster…the Demon sank below the branches to the forest floor. It hadn’t seen her, but Twilight was still too scared to breath. Its body was long and covered in a brown segmented exoskeleton. The pitter-patter of Celestia knows how many legs accompanying each new segment made Twilight’s skin crawl.

When the Demon had finally disappeared from the trees, Twilight breathed in as quietly, and as quickly, as she could. Her moment of peace was soon cut short by Morpheus’ blood curdling screams. Twilight shifted herself, the screams masking her rustling, and looked just in time to see the Wabberjack’s tentacle stab into Morpheus’ throat, instantly silencing him.

Twilight gaped as the Wabberjack’s long, centipede-like body coiled around Morpheus as the tentacle pulsed away at his neck.

It was now or never. Twilight concentrated on her magic and enveloped the field in a pink barrier. Across the clearing, Twilight saw Ian drop from his tree and approach the Demon. The Wabberjack took one look at Ian and tossed the dragon aside.

“Someone’s been going through a growth spurt,” Ian taunted. “This is your one chance to surrender.”

The Demon cocked its head and let out a series of low hoarse grunts. It was laughing.

“I guess that’s a no?”

Two massive tentacles, as thick as tree trunks, burst from the Demon’s side and swayed above Ian. With earth shaking force, the limbs smashed down, narrowly missing Ian, and the Wabberjack roared. It was such a shock that for a fleeting moment Twilight let the barrier drop. Ian, however, didn’t even flinch.

“Fine,” Ian said calmly, “we’ll do this the hard way.” With lightning speed, Ian fired one bullet into each tentacle and dove beneath his enemy. Before the Demon could react, its limbs were blown off in a fiery explosion.

The Wabberjack reeled backward and smashed into Twilight’s tree. Ian fired ten more shots into the Demon’s neck as it writhed in pain. It bashed its head against the tree and a branch snapped beneath Twilight’s hooves. She was able to grip another branch, but she was now dangling directly above the Wabberjack.

“Twilight!” Ian shouted as the Demon smashed into him with the base of its body, sending Ian fifteen feet across the field. The swing was incredibly painful, but the worst part was that Ian had dropped his gun!

Ian pushed himself up and pulled his gemstone from his back pocket, ready for anything. “Bring it on,” he shouted. The Wabberjack raised itself high into the air and unhinged its exoskeleton loosing hundreds of spiked tentacles.

“…That’s new.” Ian turned and sprinted into the woods, taking the Wabberjack with him. “Twilight,” he hollered as he slid under a dead tree, “get the gun!”

Twilight dropped to the ground with an, “oomph,” and scanned the foliage for the weapon. “Where is it?” she shouted frantically.

A tentacle wrapped around Ian’s leg, pulling him up as another wrapped around his right arm. “Little busy,” he called back as he stabbed the second tentacle with his gemstone.

“Do you need help?”

“No,” he paused to stab a tentacle trying to choke him, “I’m doing fine.”

“Maybe I-”

“Just find the damn gun!”

Twilight was about to abandon the search to rescue Ian when she saw, sticking out of a patch of lilies, the silver handle of his gun. “I found it,” she shouted ecstatically. She’d never been so happy to see a deadly firearm.

The Wabberjack tossed Ian into the air and launched its main tentacle at his throat. Unfortunately for the Wabberjack, Ian managed to shift his body out of harm’s way and stab his sapphire into the Demon’s eye. It roared and thrashed about violently, but Ian had a death grip on the wound. “Press the button on the side!”

Twilight turned the pistol over in the air and found the small red button, but before she could press it, Morpheus snatched it away. “Mine,” he shouted as he waddled off. He flapped his wings and rose into the air, but luckily for Twilight, his own weight was slowing him down. Twilight gripped his feet with magic and yanked him onto the ground.

Morpheus roared in anger and engulfed her in flames. As he moved closer, the flames grew more and more intense. When he was done with her, there would be nothing but ashes, and then the shiny gun would be all his! The Princesses would die screaming in agony as their precious Equestria burned! A new day was coming; a day ruled by the Winged Death, the most powerful dragon ever to walk the earth…Or at least that would have happened had the dragon noticed the tree being swung at his head. The trunk splintered against Morpheus’ skull, knocking him out along with a few teeth.

Twilight panted as she whisked the flames away with magic and pressed the button as hard as she could. Instantaneously, a fireball erupted in the night sky with such ferocious power that Twilight was flung off her feet, and for five seconds the Everfree Forest was illuminated in a light as bright as the sun. Twilight watched as the great and terrible Wabberjack toppled to the forest floor with an earth quaking thud.

…They’d done it.

Before Twilight could plop down on the grass and rest, an arc of lightning shot across the sky and expanded. Twilight gasped as space ripped apart above her and open to a tunnel of swirling clouds. At the end of the tunnel was a sea of shimmering galaxies, all spinning gracefully around one star that condensed and expended like a beating heart. From this star shined a rainbow that bathed each cloud in a different color of the visual spectrum. Silhouettes of all shapes and sizes hovered on the clouds, watching patiently as all remnants of the Wabberjack slowly ascended to them. There were humans, massive arachnids, trees with arms and legs, and…ponies!

The sight of earth ponies, pegasi, unicorns, and alicorns gazing down at her brought tears to her eyes. “The girls are never going to believe this,” Twilight muttered to herself.

“Now you know how I feel,” she heard Ian say as the Wabberjack crossed the rift.

Twilight shielded her eyes as the sky erupted in a blinding white light, erasing all traces of the rift. The ocean of stars that had once dazzled Twilight now felt barren and empty. She couldn’t turn away though, just in case the rift came back. It was depressing to think that she’d never witness something so incredible ever again.

“Y-you…you see that every day?” she asked after a long silence.

“I’ve seen better,” Ian shrugged.

She turned to him, baffled. “What could possibly be better than that?”

The moonlight was glistening off Twilight’s eyes, and to Ian they were more beautiful than anything the Angels had ever shown him. Despite the painful void growing in his stomach, he couldn’t help but smile. Why couldn’t he have been born in Equestria?

“You wouldn’t believe me.”

“I do believe you,” she said, pushing closer to him, “I’ve devoted my life to learning and understanding. Please, I need to know what else is out there.”

She was so close that Ian could feel her warm breath on his nose. Twilight’s eyelashes fluttered a little as Ian brushed his index finger under her chin. He directed her to the field before them and whispered, “You’re looking at it.”

Twilight darted her eyes back and forth, frantically searching for whatever Ian had seen. “I don’t see it,” she said worriedly, “where is it?”

“I told you you’re looking at it,” he said, grinning as she glared at him. “Supernovas, Demons, what you just saw- they’re all amazing things but they get old after a while. But sitting here with a good friend,” Ian paused and looked over at Morpheus, “…and an unconscious friend- did you hit him with a tree?”

“Dragons have thick skulls,” she said hastily, “he might have a headache but he’ll be alright.” Twilight fidgeted uneasily and looked down at her hooves. “Now um, what were you saying?”

“I think I said most of it,” he yawned. Now that the adrenaline was wearing off, it was getting harder to stay awake by the second; after all, he’d gone almost twenty-four hours without sleep.

“Would you say it anyway?”

He patted the mare on the back and smiled when she looked up at him. “Letting you come with me was the greatest decision I’ve ever been forced to make.”

Ian was hoping for a laugh, but seeing her smile was good enough. “I’m cold,” she said, pushing closer to him. He was so tired, he didn’t mind.

Twilight’s violet irises twinkled like amethysts in the moonlight. Her pupils felt large enough to hold all the wonders of the multiverse, but all Ian could see were two bleary-eyed strangers. Before Ian could figure out who the confused men in her pupils were, Twilight closed her eyes. The poor girl must be exhausted, but after everything she’d been through tonight, who could blame her? They’d both had quite an eventful night, so a victory nap seemed well-deserved.

Now that Ian thought about it, the air was getting colder, and getting a good night’s sleep would be impossible if they got too chilly. It sure was kind of Twilight to keep him warm like this. The body heat from her foreleg was certainly keeping his chest warm, and the fur on the side of her belly felt wonderful against his hand (which had somehow moved away from her back). Twilight’s luxuriously soft fur and the semi-squishiness of her stomach reminded him of the bed in Ponyville. He felt terrible for ruining it. Not only had it belonged to the mare sweet enough to help him, even after damaging her home, but it was also simply a fantastic bed. Its willingness to conform to every curve of his body was infinitely more relaxing than the cold hard ground currently pressing against his back.

He and Twilight had earned a victory nap, and it wasn’t a victory nap without a victory bed. They had earned the right to lie on a mattress of cloudlike softness, bury themselves under a thick blanket, close their eyes, and…

...Ian fell asleep.

You are so Screwed

The most peculiar thing happened to Ian last night: he had a dream. Granted, it wasn’t a very exciting dream. He had been sitting in a field of flowers, staring at the stars with a beautiful girl. Neither said a word to the other, but they both seemed happy. Then, for no reason, he left her to eat a tub of popcorn dressed as a lumberjack. See, not very exciting; but as long as Ian kept his eyes shut, he could picture the girl. Her violet eyes had a tender softness to them that made him feel at peace. One pink and purple highlight ran through her long dark hair which fell over her arms as she hugged her legs. She also had seven stars tattooed on her hip which, to be honest, Ian found pretty cute. Ian laughed when he realized that she was literally the girl of his dreams.

The laugh must have been too loud, because the grass next to him rustled a little. He half opened one eye and looked to his left. Twilight was lying flat, perpendicular to his body. The grass was covering most of her face, but her eyes were wide open. She looked like a cat stalking its prey, ready to pounce. “Did I wake you up?” he asked.

“No, I’ve been awake for a while,” she said, still staring at him.

Ian sat up and rubbed his eyes. “Where’s Morpheus?” he asked, realizing his friend was missing.

“He wanted to give you a proper farewell, but neither of us wanted to wake you.” Twilight stuck out her forelegs out and stretched. “We both decided that you’d earned some shuteye.”

“It still would’ve been nice to say goodbye.”

Twilight sat down next to him. Without the Wabberjack, her scent was much stronger. “Maybe you’ll see each other the next time you’re in Equestria.” She leaned over to look at him, and she looked a little worried. “You are coming back, aren’t you?”

“Anything’s possible…”

Without warning, Twilight closed her eyes and pressed her lips against Ian’s.

It was so sudden that Ian wasn’t quite sure what was happening. An alarm clanged in his head as he realized what she was doing. In a panic, he pushed Twilight away and ran backwards into a tree.

What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck?

Twilight had her forehooves pressed over her mouth in shock. “Oh my goodness,” she rushed, “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what came over me.” She tried to move closer to Ian, but he hid behind the tree.

What the hell was happening? How the hell was this happening? This had to be a dream or some horrible nightmare…was she crying?

Ian peeked out, sure he had imagined it. But there she was, turned away with her face buried in her hooves, sobbing. “I’m sorry,” she quivered, “you must hate me.”

He pulled his head back, contemplating what she’d said. Wasn’t he afraid she’d hate him?

…Damn it.

Ignoring the painful void growing in his gut, Ian forced himself to Twilight’s side. Teardrops stained her fur, but when he tried to look in her eyes, she turned away in shame. Ian couldn’t think of something to say, so he wiped a tear off her cheek and waited for her to look at him. Before she could say something, he leaned forward and kissed her.

Once he’d gotten over his initial fright, kissing her wasn’t that bad. Granted, since neither of them had ever kissed another species before, it started out rather awkwardly. Thank God for Ian Twilight found his awkwardness a little charming.

At one point Ian opened his mouth as wide as possible, as if he was trying to eat her face. She pulled her head back and giggled. “You may be a good fighter, but you’re a terrible kisser.”

“Hey, you go nine hundred years without kissing,” he retorted, scratching her chin with one finger. Ian could hear her moan a little as her eyes fluttered shut, so he added another finger.

“You make a good point,” she sighed.

“And I’m not a terrible kisser,” he added, pulling her close. Honestly, he had absolutely no idea what he was doing, but he refused to let her remark slide so easily. Taking care not to open his mouth too wide, he tentatively slid his tongue past her lips.

One of the benefits of being an Angel is heightened senses and, with Twilight, it felt like a blessing. As he moved his tongue around, he could taste the magnificent apples of Sweet Apple Acres in her saliva. Wherever he moved his tongue, he felt hers move with him. It never got in the way though; in fact, it tickled whenever he brushed against it.

Ian felt rather proud that he’d managed to leave Twilight breathless by the end. “Better?”

“That was much better,” she panted. With the way she said it, and the way she looked at him, he knew what was coming next.

Uh oh.

Before Ian could react, Twilight was on top of him. What had been a nice romantic kiss was quickly turning into something much more unsettling. Then again, what the hell did he expect after sticking his tongue into her mouth?

Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap! This is very bad, get up and get the hell out of…

Ian’s mind went fuzzy as Twilight began nibbling his earlobe. Maybe this wouldn’t be as bad as he’d thought. After all, she was smart, funny, cute, and, most importantly, she liked him. Did it matter if she was a pony?

“I’m sorry,” she said, “am I being too forward?”

“No,” he answered, still a little dazed. Not wanting to have her do everything, he reached up and scratched her behind the ears. As he ran his fingers through her silky mane, the warm tickling feeling started to grow in his chest. His entire body felt jittery, and it was hard to keep his hand from shaking as he touched her. By complete accident, his hand grazed her horn making her shudder. “Did I hurt you?” he asked, jerking his hand away.

“Don’t stop.”

Reluctantly, Ian placed four fingers on the back of her horn and ran his thumb up and down the front. It must have been one powerful erogenous zone, because she was panting and groaning like nothing before. Ian hadn’t seen anyone act like this ever, and it was a little jarring. However, the feeling of something warm and wet rubbing up and down the thigh of his jeans was much more jarring.

Okay, you can do this…just think back to the last time you had sex…think back to the last time you saw people having sex…the last time you heard about sex…oh crap.

Twilight had pulled off his shirt and pants and was slowly working her way down, kissing his body as she went. They say some things you never forget how to do, like riding a bicycle. Well if you put the bicycle away for nine hundred years, you’re definitely going to have some problems, and that’s if the tires hadn’t gone flat by then.

Ian soon discovered that his tires had not gone flat, but he was still nervous. He cringed as he felt Twilight’s tongue curl around his shaft (ugh, he hated that word). Within seconds, he was fully erect, but he felt trapped. Her upper lip was rubbing along the back of his head as her tongue tickled the front, but it wasn’t pleasurable. It hurt.

There was absolutely nothing wrong with her technique, but every movement made the painful void in his stomach grow. Why the hell was this happening? Why couldn’t he overcome this horrible pain? He wanted to run, but the thought of leaving Twilight hurt just as much. He was trapped, and if he didn’t think of something fast, the pain would be unbearable.

Come on, think! Think, think, think, think, think, think, think-

“Vagina!” he shouted, much louder than he intended. Twilight looked up and said something but, since her mouth was full, he couldn’t understand it.

Wasting no time, Ian squirmed upright and laid Twilight on her back. “Ian, are you alright?” she asked.

“Perfectly alright,” he lied, “I just didn’t want to…um,” he was straining to find a good word for it.

“Orgasm?” He cringed a little when she said it; it was certainly not the right word. “Ian,” Twilight said gently, “premature ejaculation is nothing to be ashamed of.”

In a desperate attempt to make her stop talking, Ian ran his tongue into her mouth, much more hastily than before. “Twilight, I’m fine,” he said, trying to sound as composed as possible. When she tried to say something, he put a finger to her lips and told her to shush.

Faster than a caffeinated jackrabbit, Ian ducked between Twilight’s haunches. The sight of her…well, her vagina filled Ian with both awe and dread. Excitement brought his fingers close to her lips, but fear drove them away.

God damn it Ian, grow a pair!

A thought occurred to Ian, and pulled the sapphire gemstone from his jean pocket. If he couldn’t do the job, maybe this could. It had a good length and a sizable thickness to it, and since one end was smooth and blunt, it wouldn’t hurt her. But was it right?

Ian flipped the gem to the sharp end and stared at it. Its purpose was to be a weapon, so was it fair to use it for sex? A friend had given him this stone, and to use it like this almost seemed disrespectful. The stone was meant to kill…or was it? Yes, it had a sharp end, but at the same time it was blunt. The blunt end could simply be so the wielder wouldn’t hurt themselves, but what if it was meant for something else?

Could it simply be that it was made for both pain and pleasure? But then, those were how Ian saw the gem. Morpheus had stowed it in a bag, intending to eat it, so was Ian holding it from its destiny? And food was the only thing Morpheus saw it as, so what would someone else think? Did it even have a purpose, or was it cursed to move through time, forever letting others use it as they saw fit? Maybe that was its purpose.

If it could speak, what would it say? Would it object to someone deciding its fate? Maybe it wanted to find its purpose for itself, and everyone else was keeping the stone from it. Or maybe it wouldn’t mind; after all, each new purpose brought a new experience, a new was to see the world. In that case, it would be wrong not to use it on Twilight.

Ian sighed and switched to the blunt end; hopefully this was the right choice. He still couldn’t bear to see the gem press between her glistening pink lips, so he shut his eyes and pushed in.

“Wrong hole!” Twilight shouted in surprise, “Wrong hole!”

The painful void spread throughout him once his eyes were open. Sure enough, the gem was pressed about one centimeter into her rear end. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry,” he rushed, “I got nervous and-”

“It’s okay, it’s okay. Just take it out, but do it gently.”

Ian took a series of deep breaths before gripping the gem, slowly working it out.

“Well ah do daclayah,” a pompous voice called behind Ian, “this Sta’swirl tha Beahded sure was a fascinatin’ characta’.”

Twilight looked up and Ian slowly turned his head, praying it wasn’t who he thought it was. Leaning against a tree, casually reading a book on Starswirl the Bearded, was Mark. “Surprise douchebag,” he said without looking up.

Mark slammed the book shut as loud as possible and tossed it aside. The sound was jarring enough that Ian flinched and yanked the gem out of Twilight, who rolled on her side, gasping in pain. Ian scrambled to his feet and put on his boxers as quickly as possible, but when he tried to speak, his lips moved wordlessly.

“Twilight Sparkle, do you mind if I borrow your fuck-buddy for a second?” Mark didn’t wait for Twilight to answer and walked into the forest.

Ian could feel his legs moving, and he could see Twilight’s worried face, but he couldn’t tell if this was real. Oh God he hoped this was a dream and he’d wake up any minute now in his room on his terrible bed.

“Okay dude,” Mark said when they were alone, “what the fuck?”

“…”

“I let you stay the night because you were tired, not so you could fuck some horse.”

“Her name is Twilight,” Ian muttered, “and she’s a unicorn pony.”

“Do you want to know who has two thumbs and doesn’t give a shit?” He pointed to himself. “Look, we all slip up every now and then, but a god damn horse!”

Ian couldn’t stop himself before he had the gem pointed at Mark’s throat. “Listen you fucking asshole, I’ve been blue-balling it for over nine hundred god damn years! I don’t care how fucking disgusting it is!”

Mark swatted Ian’s hand away and shoved him into a tree. “Don’t point your fucking dildo at me asshole! Put your dick away and go get your things. We’re leaving.”

“I need t-”

“Seriously dude,” Mark said, raising his hand and averting his eyes, “put your dick away, it’s like it’s staring at me.”

Ian looked down and frantically pushed his penis behind his boxers. Why couldn’t this hell end already?

The worst was yet to come, as Ian quickly learned. Ian and Mark exited the trees and stopped at the sight of Twilight. She was trying to stay calm, but tears were streaming down her face. “Fucking disgusting?” Her voice was trembling in anger.

Ian looked to Mark for help, not that he would offer any.

“Is that what I am to you? Was I just some outlet for years of pent up energy?” Twilight rubbed the tears from her eyes, only to have more immediately take their place. “Answer me Ian!”

He wanted to say no, but he wasn’t sure if that was true. Why couldn’t she have acted like any other Local?

“Sweet Cele-” she was too ashamed to say her Princess’ name. “Y-you were ashamed to be with me.”

Say something!

“…”

The last memory Ian had of Equestria was Twilight screaming as she hurled his gun at his head.

Ian Talks to Himself

Two dreams in a row…what are the odds, right?

When I opened my eyes, I was lying on the most beautiful beach I’ve ever seen. There wasn’t a single cloud in the sky, and the sun was shining down right above me. Whenever I go to a sunny beach, my feet always get burnt from the hot sand, but here it was cool to the touch. I could run my hand through that fine white sand for days without feeling a thing, and the way the ocean sparkled in the sunlight- breathtaking.

I don’t know how long I sat there, but at some point a gray pony with a blue mane sat down next to me. I’d never seen him before, but I did recognize the blue sapphire tattoo on his hip. “Well,” he said after a time, “that went swimmingly.”

“Is that supposed to be a pun?”

Without bothering to look at me, he rolled his eyes. “Shut the fuck up you stupid asshole, you know damn well what I’m talking about.”

As a matter of fact, I didn’t know what he was talking about, and I certainly didn’t appreciate his tone. “I’m sorry, who are you?”

“I hate to say it, but I’m you ya’ stupid bastard.”

“You look nothing like me,” I chuckled. I don’t know what was funny, but when do things in dreams ever make sense?

“Really?” he said sarcastically. “Maybe that’s because I’m a PONY,” he shouted to my face. “Dumbass.”

Pony me was kind of rude. “You can do without the insults-”

“Oh go hump a cactus,” he interrupted, flinging sand into my eyes. “You don’t deserve politeness you fucking prick.”

“If you have a problem with me, just say it!” I shouted, rubbing sand out of my eyes and spitting it out of my mouth.

The pony threw more sand in my face and spat at my feet. “Of course I have a problem with you! You keep bitching about how everyone else is such a fucking prick to you, and then you break Twilight’s heart!”

That’s what this was about- Twilight. I’d completely forgotten about her and what I’d done. I only felt bad for a second though. “It’s for the best,” I sighed, falling back into the sand and closing my eyes.

He threw more sand at me but I ignored it, and when I did that, he punched me in the nose. Even though it was a dream, it felt incredibly real. When I put my hands to my nose, he jabbed me in the stomach, forcing me upright. “For the best? I loved her!”

I swung at him, but my arms moved with all the speed of a snail. He blocked my arm and head butted me back into the sand. Then, with another jab to the stomach, I was upright again. “You don’t think I did?” I said spattered, “She was the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me.” Leaving her the way I did was difficult, but it had to be done.

He grabbed my face with both hooves and pulled me close. “Then why?” His grip was getting tighter, and I think he was trying to crush my head.

“Because it was wrong,” I said coldly. I really shouldn’t have said that, because he was immediately on top of me, beating me wherever he could land a punch. At last, I found the strength to fight back and I rolled him over, trying to strangle him. “You hear me? It was disgusting,” I shouted. I might have been smiling, eager to finally get rid of this damn nuisance.

I would have held him down until he was dead, but when he started to cry, I felt the painful emptiness grow in my stomach. It became unbearable, and I finally had to throw myself off of him to make it stop. Any second now he was going to charge at me, I was sure of it, but he never did. He just lay in the sand, sobbing. “She’s a pony,” I panted, falling back into the sand, “and I’m not.” Blood or a tear ran down my cheek.

The pony got to his feet and sat beside me, wiping his tears away. “I want to know why?”

Didn’t he just hear me? I thought I’d made it pretty clear: “Because it’s bestiality!”

He grabbed me by the shoulders and started shaking me. “But why?” This was like listening to a broken record that could punch me. “Why is it wrong?”

“Because,” I repeated, confused, “it’s bestiality.” It was wrong because it was a sexual attraction to a pony. What else was I supposed to say?

With a pained sigh, he shoved me away and beat the sand. Something was clearly angering him, but I had no idea what. Could he not wrap his mind around the concept of bestiality? “What am I supposed to say?” I finally shouted.

He pulled his foreleg back, ready to take another swing at my head, but he didn’t. His hoof trembled as he lowered it, doing the same breathing exercises I do. “That’s not an answer,” he said through gritted teeth, “you say being with a pony is wrong because it’s bestiality, but that’s circular logic! I want you to tell me, right now, what is so wrong about loving Twilight.”

“Because,” I said, pointing at him. If I said bestiality he would surely throttle me. “Um,” was the only other thing I could think of. I stared out at the sea, trying to think of something.

“You were both consenting adults. Both of you have higher thought processes which, in case you somehow forgot, ponies on Earth don’t have…hell,” he said, flinging more sand at me, “she’s smarter than you.” This conversation was making me uneasy. “Neither of you were hurting each other. Well, not until-”

“That was an accident,” I interrupted. I knew what he was going to say, and I never wanted to be reminded of that fuck up again.

“Oh,” he rolled his eyes sarcastically, “well in that case it’s perfectly fine! I’ll keep that in mind when I stab you in the face.” With this guy, I couldn’t tell if he was being serious or not. “The multiverse would have been entirely unaffected if you were with her. Except for your moment of dumb-fuckery, no one was hurt, so I’d love to hear what the fuck the problem is!”

“I don’t know.”

“And you want to know why you don’t know?” he asked, pushing me to on my back and pressing his hoof on my throat. “Because there isn’t one. Twilight didn’t care what you looked like, god dammit,” he pressed down harder, “she trusted you.” The pressure on my neck was painful, but it was nothing compared to the void I felt throughout my body. “She showed you love and kindness like you’ve always wanted and you spat in her face because you couldn’t look past her appearance.

“You don’t deserve Twilight, you fucking piece of shit. You don’t deserve to be happy.”

I cried out as my neck finally snapped and I woke up in my bed- my lumpy, rock hard excuse for a bed pressed against the wall of my cramped, grey, seven by five foot room.

This is all I deserved.

Author's Note

I wanted to try out the first person approach...don't much care for it.

May the Force be With You as You Live Long and Prosper

For over nine hundred years, Ian McCoy had traveled across the multiverse experiencing all life had to offer. What had started as the most incredible chapter of Ian’s life quickly became an uneventful chore. The majestic nebulas, expansive civilizations, and mind bending realities that amazed him became predictable and unexciting. Furthermore, the panic and fear from the Locals of every new universe were constant annoyances.

Ian joined the Angels thinking he would become a hero. Everywhere he’d go, he would save those in need and, like a superhero, never ask for praise. However, an absence of praise is far from the crazed mobs Ian frequently ran into. Soon Ian learned to hide from them, never to show his face, and to never trust them. What started as a habit grew into a philosophy and, after nine hundred years, the ambitious do-gooder was lost, replaced by a bitter cynic. He grew impatient and angry, which only furthered the Locals’ distrust of him, which only made Ian angrier and more distrustful.

But then Mark drank one hundred and fifty shots of vodka on a dare and sent Ian through the ceiling of Twilight’s house. Never in a million years would he or Mark have expected he would fall in love with her. Never would he have thought she would feel the same. But it was Ian, and, like the Locals before her, she grew to hate him. He couldn’t blame her.

Ian did his best to move on with his life and forget about the one girl he’d ever loved, but the guilt grew in him like a disease. The wonders of the multiverse paled in comparison to her smiling face and loving eyes, and no Demonic wound was worse than the sight of her in tears.

After two years, the painful emptiness had consumed Ian. He tried to ignore it, detach himself from his body, and give up his life to the Angels, but it was impossible. Every day was spent in agony and regret, and Ian was powerless to change it. There was no escape from the prison- the hell that was his life.

The days blurred into weeks, months, and before Ian knew it, another year had passed. He had the same room, the same bed, the same pain. And so, he waited. Each day he would sit on his bed, staring at the floor, waiting for his next assignment. But one thing was different today: he had a visitor.

“Happy one thousand,” Mark chimed as he popped his head into Ian’s room. Apparently today was Ian’s one thousandth year as an Angel, not that it made much difference.

“Woo.” Ian didn’t even care to look up.

“Damn right, ‘woo’. You and I are gonna’ go to Earth, get drunk, and-”

“Mark, I think I’d prefer to stay here.”

Mark sighed and leaned against the doorway. He was an ass, but he knew when a friend was upset. “You miss her, don’t you?” Ian glared up at Mark and went back to staring at the floor. It wasn’t Mark’s fault for what happened, it was entirely Ian’s doing, but Ian still didn’t feel like talking to him.

Much to Ian’s disliking, Mark sat down on his bed and stared at him. “How many times have I told you to forget about her? What, like, fifty? A hundred?”

“Enough to make me want to kick your ass,” Ian grumbled. Mark laughed and patted Ian on the back, and it took all his restraint not to throw a punch.

“Dude, you’re gonna’ wanna’ kiss me in a minute.” Ian glared at him. Why the hell was he so damn happy? “A month ago, I was upstairs talking with Gary, Sid, and that bug that’s obsessed with Kanye, and they said you were getting into Heaven. I told them you didn’t deserve it though.”

“Oh, thank you so much.”

“That’s not even the best part,” Mark said, nudging Ian in the ribs. “I told ‘em you needed someplace else like, oh I don’t know,” Mark reached into his pocket and pulled out a folded up document, “Equestria.”

Ian’s head snapped up and stared at the paper being waved at him. It had to be a joke, there’s no way Mark could do this. Faster than he’d moved in months, Ian snatched the paper away and scanned through it, rereading every word to be sure. At the top left was the identification code for Twilight’s Equestria. Much of the document contained Angel and legal jargon too complicated and meaningless to repeat, but it was real. Somehow Mark had gotten a request for a human life in Equestria, and all it was missing was Ian’s signature. “H-how did…”

“Don’t say I don’t do shit for you,” Mark answered proudly. He smiled as a glint of hope returned to Ian’s eye. “How ‘bout it?”

Ian’s hands were trembling in anticipation. This was a chance to fix everything. But was it the right thing to do? He’d be giving up everything for someone he hadn’t seen for three years, not to mention their terrible parting. “I can’t,” he sighed, dropping it to the floor.

“What!” Mark grabbed the letter and kicked Ian in the foot. “Why the hell not?”

“Because it’s insane, Mark!” His friend was about to yell back, but calmly leaned against the metal doorway and let Ian continue. “I can’t throw my life away for a girl who hates me. It’s been three years. She’ll have moved on by now, and the last thing she needs is me coming back into her life.”

Mark shook his head and eyed a blue female walking down the hallway. “Do you love her?”

“Dude, just go awa-”

“Answer the question asshole. Do you love Twilight Sparkle?”

“I-” Ian rubbed his temple in frustration. “Yes, okay? In a thousand years, she’s the greatest thing I’ve ever met. Happy?”

“Yeah, I am happy,” he smiled and waved to snake slithering past him. “When I saw you with Twilight, I thought you were just doing it to get your rocks off. But after seeing you like,” he gestured to all of Ian, “this, I knew I was wrong. Look dude, I know I give you shit a lot, but we’re friends, that’s what we do.” Mark put his hand on Ian’s shoulder. “I’m happy for you.”

Ian looked into his friend’s eyes, trying to gauge the truth. “I can’t tell if you’re messing with me or not.”

“I’m not. You found something to live for, and I want to help you get it back…also I want your room,” he joked. The two had a quick chuckle and sat while Ian thought.

“You know this is still a stupid idea, right?” Ian finally said.

Mark handed his friend the paper and a pen. “No one ever found love without being a little stupid.” What a poetic statement, coming from the man who threw up on a president.

Ian scribbled his name at the bottom of the page, which promptly folded itself up and disintegrated into thin air. Mark slapped him on the back and jumped out the door. Since he was an Angel, and they only had one set of clothes, there was no need to pack, but Ian still had one thing to bring along: the sapphire. He’d kept it hidden from the others for three years as a reminder to be good to the Locals. Ian lifted his mattress and put the stone in his pocket before running out the door.

He hurried after Mark, taking in the splendors of the Angels one last time. The large, triangular hallways were always bustling with Angels going to and fro, and if you weren’t careful, you’d easily be lost. In his first year, Ian spent two days running through these glistening metallic halls, trying to find his room before giving up and sleeping in a bathroom. Apparently it was the females’ bathroom, because he awoke to a woman punching him in the nose. As Ian walked alongside Mark, staring at beam of light running along the ceiling, he realized just how often he got hurt here. Not a month went by during his first century that he hadn’t ‘died’ in some horrible way. He ran a finger along the wall, looking at his refection off the metal, and laughed quietly to himself.

Memories…

The two turned right, down a hallway lined with glass windows on the left side. Ian didn’t stop, but he did look out at the cloudy, multicolored tunnel. Angels armed to the teeth were scattered all around, watching as the gargantuan carcass of a Wabberjack floated in from the rift. Wherever this one had come from, it must have caused some serious havoc. It was larger than the Empire State Building, which, thanks to old movies, Ian could remember. Every Angel on the clouds opened fire as the Demon’s exoskeleton unhinged, releasing a flurry of tentacles in one final, desperate act of defiance. In a matter of moments, however, the Demon was blown into chunks, dead once again. Ian passed the last window before he could see what happened next, not that it mattered. He heard a quick whoosh and knew it had been sent to “The Pit,” an empty universe where captured Demons were stowed.

“We’re almost there,” said Mark, oblivious to the Sarocian walking toward him. Sarocians are large, muscled creatures with the body of a human and the head of a rabbit, and this one, which Mark had nicknamed Donnie, was an ass.

“Good riddance,” he said, shoving Mark against the wall. “Horse fuckers like you have no place here.” Apparently word had already spread of Ian’s departure.

“Funny,” Mark laughed, “because it’s actually my friend Ian who’s leaving.” He punched Donnie in the stomach and shoved him back. “And I resent you calling him a horse fucker.”

Donnie was a racist prick, but he wasn’t an idiot. He knew that a fight would land both of them in trouble, so, with one last glare at Mark, he walked up to Ian. “Good ri-”

“Yeah, I heard you the first time, now beat it,” interrupted Ian, shooing the pest away. Donnie growled at him and walked away, watching as another Demon came through the rift.

“It’s bigots like him we don’t need,” Mark muttered as they watched Donnie turn a corner. “C’mon, we’re burnin’ daylight.”

The two friends carried on, frequently getting good wishes or disapproving stares. Sarocians, humans, ents, even ponies, all had something to say to Ian. It was comforting, hearing the blessings of so many kind Angels, but after a while, it became tiring. What should have taken less than five minutes was dragging on past ten, and he was anxious to get to Equestria.

“Ugh, finally,” Mark groaned as they approached a large, metal doorway. On the left side was a pedestal where Mark typed in the access code. There was a hiss as the pressure locks disengaged, a series of clinks as the additional locks went down, and the door disappeared into the wall. “Now let’s get this-”

The two screamed in shock as a pale woman slid out of the room, gurgling. The white vestments that hung off her deathly body swayed in an absent breeze. A pink party hat sat atop her head, which hung limply to one side. “Dammit Mary,” Mark panted, trying to sound manly, “how many times’ve we told you not to do that!”

The woman from Bren jerked her hand upward and curled back all but her middle finger. Shortly after meeting Ian, the spirit and her family joined the Angels, which had it pros and cons. They were some of the kindest and most selfless Angels in history, but they also spooked whoever they met. Mary, as everyone called her (since no one could pronounce her real name), certainly didn’t help. Her favorite pastime was haunting any Angel who was mean to her, and also to make Mark scream like a girl.

The corners of Mary’s mouth curved up in a smile as she turned to Ian. She held out her palm, and Ian graciously placed his on top. “Yeah, touching moment,” Mark grumbled, “we should get moving though.” Ian gave Mary one last hug, and gestured for help when he couldn’t get her off.

Once Mark managed to pry Mary away, the three friends walked in and closed the door behind them. The stainless white room was cluttered with cables of various sizes running from the walls to a circular platform at the far end. More cables ran from this platform to a control panel with three screens and hundreds of buttons and dials. Mark walked to the control panel, typed something in, and stood back as the ceiling above the platform opened up. The room hummed and whirred to life as a pyramidal contraption descended over the platform. “Ready when you are,” he said, beckoning Ian to the circle.

Ian walked past his friends and jumped onto the stage. He watched as Mark typed something else into the panel and a blue barrier popped into existence. “Containment shield up,” he said over the intercom as dozens of holographic charts and screens appeared on the barrier. On Ian’s right, a large picture of Ponyville appeared. Mark continued typing and the image changed. “I’m setting you down outside of Ponyville. Y’know,” he said, glancing up, “less trees that way.”

“Why didn’t we do that last time?”

“We wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for me,” he grinned, running his hand through air as he read each chart. “Alright, we’re good.” With another code typed in, the contraption above Ian started to spin. “Before you can go to Equestria, we need to make you human, so this thing is going to tear you apart at the atomic level, then put you back together.”

“Sounds painful,” said Ian as a three dimensional hologram of him appeared on the barrier.

“Probably,” Mark shrugged. “One last thing: If we ever hear you butcher Guns n’ Roses again, we will be forced to grind you balls into a powder.” Mary nodded in agreement.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Ian replied with a thumbs up.

Mark typed in one last thing and rested his finger over the Enter button. “Live long and prosper,” he said as he and Mary gave Ian the Vulcan salute.

“And may the force be with you.”

Mark entered the code and the pyramid pulsed with green. Ian felt a searing pain throughout his body as it was taken apart. Even after his body was gone, he could comprehend the tunnel of lights around him. Clouds of all colors spun around him as he felt his hands rematerialize. He tried to lift his arm to check, but movement was impossible. All he could do was watch as the clouds parted to the edge of the Everfree Forest. He was racing to the earth faster than a bullet until, when he was less than ten feet from the ground, an invisible force gently set him down.

Alright, let’s try this again.

Love is Painful Like a Punch to The Face

Well, isn’t that cliché?

A heavy downpour had soaked Ian to the bone as he approached Twilight’s library. This was like something out of a terrible romantic comedy, hell he might as well be carrying a boom box playing some sappy love song. “No, that’s too pathetic,” he muttered.

Ian was about to knock on the door when he heard laughter within. At least seven ponies were inside, laughing at something hysterical. His heart began to thud when he realized one was a male’s.

Please no, please no, please no, please no.

He peeked into the nearest window and felt a part of him die. Twilight was there, just as beautiful as ever, along with Fluttershy and four other mares, and a stallion had his arm around her. Well…at least she knew how to pick them. Her boyfriend was tall, sturdy, and admittedly pretty damn handsome. His glossy white coat and flowing blue mane made Ian tremble with rage. It was that anger one gets when they see someone better than them; he was green with envy. The guy was strong, good looking, got along great with Twilight’s friends, and had incredible blue eyes…that were staring at him.

Uh oh.

Ian ducked out of sight and listened closely. It was hard to hear over the rain, but it sounded like the unicorn said, “Angel.”

“Excuse me,” he called before Ian could run, “you’re an Angel aren’t you?” The pony stuck out his hoof and smiled. “It’s an honor to finally meet one of you.”

“Yeah,” Ian shook his hoof and tried to give a convincing smile, “always nice meeting a friendly Local.”

The unicorn chuckled excitedly and struggled to think of what else to say. The lucky bastard didn’t even know how well off he was. “W-what brings you to Ponyville?” His pearly teeth were begging to be punched. “I couldn’t help but notice you looking through the window. Should we be concerned, or maybe we could even help?”

Yeah, you can jump off a cliff- oh god, did I really just think that?

“Ian?” Twilight asked through the window.

“Hold on,” said the stallion as he jerked his hoof away. The look of joy and excitement had devolved into bitter accusation. “Are you Ian McCoy?”

Ian nodded and slammed against the tree as the stallion slugged him in the cheek. “You have some nerve coming here after what you did to Twilight,” he barked, choking Ian with both hooves. Despite Ian’s attempts to throw him off, the unicorn easily overpowered him.

“Shining, let him go!” Twilight teleported to the stallion’s side and pushed him back. Shining backed off as Ian coughed and wheezed, but he still had a vengeful look in his eye.

“You aren’t welco-”

“Shining, would you please give us a moment?” The stallion looked at Twilight, then back at Ian, and snorted before going inside. At least he had a respect for his girlfriend. “What are you doing here Ian?”

Ian wiped a hand across his cheek and stared at the blood. “I don’t know,” he sighed, “I guess I just wanted to say I’m sorry.”

“That was three years ago,” she said, sitting down beside him. Now that he was human he couldn’t smell anything except rain.

“And it’s been the worst three of my life. All I could think about was how I hurt you, I’ve had the same nightmares every night, I…” Fuck, why was it so hard to think of what to say? Five minutes ago this all seemed so damn easy.

“It’s alright Ian.”

“No it’s not. Twilight, you’re beautiful, you’re smart, you’re funny as hell, and you’re the kindest girl I’ve ever met, and what I did to you was not, ‘alright.’” He was talking so fast, he momentarily ran out of breath. “I don’t want to come between you and Shining-”

“My brother?” Twilight laughed. Ian sank back and breathed a sigh of relief. Never had he been so happy to be wrong. “You thought he was my coltfriend?”

Ian wiped more blood away and laughed with her. Smiling hurt his face, but it felt good to hear her laugh again. Once she’d stopped laughing, he looked into her eyes and said, “I love you. I wish I could take back what I said in the forest, I really do. You’re the most incredible thing I’ve seen in a thousand years of the multiverse, and I’m ashamed it took me so long to realize that.” It was freezing, but Ian pushed the thought away as he waited for her to say the three words back.

“…I’m sorry Ian, but I can’t say it.” Ian did his best to keep his composure, but he couldn’t help but cry. Thankfully, the rain masked it. “We only knew each other for three days, and what happened on the third- I don’t know where that came from.”

“Heat of the moment.” Ian gave a weak smile and stared at his feet.

“Exactly. How can we say we’re in love when we hardly know a thing about the other? For instance,” she put a hoof on his shoulder, “I’m incredibly persnickety, and I’ve often been called a know-it-all.” He wanted to tell her he liked smart girls, but it seemed pointless to argue.

“And I never think things through.” Ian turned and kissed her muddy hoof. “I hope you find someone who makes you happy.”

“You too.” Twilight cocked her head at the cut on Ian’s cheek which should have healed by now. “Why do still have that cut?”

“It doesn’t matter.”
“Ian-”

“Because I’m not an Angel anymore,” he said bluntly and tried to stand, only to have Twilight keep him seated.

“What? How?”

“After we…the Angels banned me from this universe for being romantically involved with a Local, so the only way to see you again was to leave.”

“You can do that?”

“You remember Mark, right? He said that for a thousand years of service, I was getting into Heaven, but somehow he convinced them to give me a new life here.”

Twilight’s eyes were brimming in shock, either by the romantic gesture or the sheer stupidity, it was hard to tell. “You gave up Heaven, just to see me?”

From behind the window a mare squealed, “Awwwww.” The two looked up and saw six faces staring at them. Shining Armor and a blue Pegasus were eyeing him disapprovingly, but there was also a white mare with tears in her eyes.

Ian jumped to his feet and rushed away in embarrassment. “Do you have anywhere to stay?” Twilight asked. “I have a spare bed if you like.”

He shoved his hands into his pockets and looked at her through the pouring rain. “Thanks, but I think it’d be a little awkward. If the Everfree Forest is good enough for a dragon, it’s good enough for me.” All he had to do was make it out of town without breaking down. He turned and hurried away, but Twilight quickly ran in front of him.

“Would you like to have lunch tomorrow?”

Author's Note

If I had more time, I might have been able to write this better, but I'm running out of writing time.

Epilogue: Hunted

“C’mon Butterscotch!” Dusk shouted. Butterscotch and Dusk Shine were the only ones left. Elusive vanished before they knew what was happening, Bubble Berry’s terrified screams alerted them to the threat, and the four remaining had fled into the Everfree Forest.

“I c-can’t,” Butterscotch trembled as he tried untangling himself from the vines holding his legs. Dusk sliced through the vines with his magic and hoisted Butterscotch to his feet. There was no time to rest.

They were coming.

Dusk erected a barrier as a shard of ice flew at him through the trees. “There,” Butterscotch yelped, pointing to a treetop. The same cloaked figure that took Rainbow Blitz was crouching on a branch, drawing back a bowstring. Dusk fired an arc of lighting, knocking the creature from the tree, and ran.

Butterscotch scrambled after Dusk, tears running down his cheeks. He could hear the creatures rustling in the trees behind them. There were no birds squawking, no timber wolves howling, no wind blowing, only the horrifying sound of the monsters closing in. “What do we do?”

Dusk didn’t reply. Butterscotch swerved his head in every direction, searching for his friend. He was alone.

The rustling had stopped.

Butterscotch stopped running and collapsed to the ground, hugging his legs as he cried. “Dusk?...Applejack?...Anypony?” his voice cracked. There was no response.

He saw the creatures. There were seven of them, shrouded in cloaks as black as night. They stood on two legs, and each had two arms with ten fingers. Each one had its fingers wrapped around a different weapon. Some held guns while other’s held swords or maces. The sight of the large one with a sledgehammer brought back the sound of Applejack’s bones breaking.

The seven circled around Butterscotch, ready for any attempt to flee. Butterscotch broke into sobs as an eighth figure walked towards him. There were no weapons in its hands, but its fingers extended and curled as if desperate to find something to grab. Butterscotch moved away from the advancing figure, but he couldn’t bring himself to run.

“P-p-p-please don’t h-h-h-”

“Shhhhhhh,” the figure said softly, raising a finger to Butterscotch’s lips. He continued to whimper as the figure ran the finger down his chin.

“Who are you?” he finally managed. “Where are my friends?”

The figure stopped at his questions and pulled the finger away. The figure then pulled back its hood, revealing the face of a female. Her brown hair was pulled back into a bundle, leaving her smooth olive skin to bask in the moonlight. The soft edges of her face had a gentle warmth to them, but the monstrous green glow of her eyes left him terrified. Her emerald eyes seemed to be staring into his soul. “My name is Eleanor. What’s yours?”

“B-b-butterscotch.”

“Butterscotch," Eleanor repeated. "That’s a lovely name." She rolled back her right sleeve and held up her hand. Her fingers were still curling. She leaned closer and said, “It helps to keep the blood circulating."

“What’ve you done with my friends?”

Eleanor placed her left hand on the back of Butterscotch’s neck and looked into his eyes. Her right hand radiated a fierce blue and she gave him a loving smile. “I’ve given them a purpose,” she told him as her hand fazed into his throat.

Butterscotch couldn’t breathe. He tried to kick her away, but his legs had gone limp. He felt a horrible tearing as Eleanor pulled her hand away and stood up. There was no longer any pain. There was no shortness of breath. There was no sensation other than fear.

Butterscotch heard something lightly thump on the ground and tried to look. Eleanor, still holding him, shifted her arm to show him the body lying on the ground. He recognized the dead stallion's corpse. The blockish snout, the patch of now disheveled pink mane atop its head, the butterfly cutie mark imprinted on its flank, its bright yellow coat covered in mud and leaves- they were all his.

“It’s alright, Butterscotch,” Eleanor said sweetly. “You'll see your friends again, I promise.”