"So we're heading to the library, then?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"We had better be," Applejack grumbled, as loudly as she dared. Even though they were off by themselves on the side of the road, she didn't want to risk discovery. "I don't want any more delays. I want my damn limbs back!"

"Be patient, Applejack," Rarity said. "There is no reason to be so surly!"

"I got plenty of reason to be surly! I got turned into panties, and then you go and drag me to lunch and make me listen to you take a big shit before takin' me anywhere to get changed back! Would you like it if you got turned into a bra, and I insisted on wearin' you while I mucked out the pig barn before trying to fix things?"

"There's no need to be so crass, Applejack."

"This from the girl who shat out her entire digestive tract not ten minutes ago."

"That is a perfectly natural bodily function!" Rarity huffed. Applejack wished that she could see Rarity's face, which was wrinkled in frustration. "It isn't like I have any control over such a thing!"

"You had plenty of control. But nooooo you had to go and eat tacos with extra re-fried beans!" Applejack snorted. "It's like drinkin' poison and then complainin' that you died!"

"I did not order extra re-fried beans!" Rarity answered. "And furthermore, I--" She turned to Rainbow Dash, who was chuckling into her hands. "Just what is so funny?"

"S-sorry," Rainbow Dash said between giggles. "It looks like you're arguing with your own ass!"

Rarity gave her a glare intended to make the recipient shit themselves as hard as Rarity had been just a little while earlier. Unfortunately Rainbow Dash, as usual, wasn't paying enough attention and as a result didn't shit herself at all. Due to the lack of shitting, both literal and metaphorical, Rarity was forced to resort to talking. "Rainbow Dash, please! This situation is humiliating enough without you sitting there cracking jokes."

Rainbow Dash snickered so hard she snorted. "'Cracking jokes'? Like, your butt crack? That Applejack is all wedged up in, now?"

"Really, I would have thought that you were capable of being at least a little mature!" Rarity seethed. "I've known schoolfillies with a less juvenile sense of humor!"

"Not to mention that that joke was awful," Applejack added.

"Well, I'm not Pinkie, I can't come up with clever puns on demand!" Rainbow Dash crossed her arms and blew her bangs out of her face. "Besides, just because a joke is- oh shit here come the cutie mark crusaders."

Applejack clamped her mouth shut. The only thing that could possibly make this more humiliating was if her sister saw her like this. She'd never hear the end of it.

"Hey, Rarity!" Sweetie Belle bounded over and grabbed Rarity in a sisterly embrace. Applejack tried to not think about what part of Sweetie Belle was squishing against her. It was, of course, Sweetie's stomach, not that Applejack could tell. Scootaloo similarly latched onto Rainbow Dash. Apple Bloom just crossed her arms.

"Have you guys seen my sister? She didn't come back after you guys' party last night. Did anything happen to her?"

"Huh? What? No. She's fine!" Rainbow Dash sputtered. Applejack wished that she had a palm to put to her face. Rarity could bite her tongue if the need arose. Rainbow Dash, though... her idea of "acting" was yelling her lines as loud as possible. If anything, her denial would only make it more obvious that something was up.

Rarity thought so as well, which was why she shot Dash a glare icy enough to chill a bottle of champagne. "The last time I really saw Applejack was last night. I would suggest checking Sweet Apple Acres. She does live there, after all, and there's no reason why she would have left afterwards."

"I checked! She ain't in her room." Apple Bloom said with a huff. "I checked all the regular places she goes and she's nowhere to be found. If y'all had let me in on the party maybe I'd know where she is."

"Yeah! It's just cider! We coulda handled it!" Sweetie Belle's voice squeaked in a way that didn't help emphasize her statement.

"It's hard cider, Sweetie," Rarity said sharply. "You three cause enough trouble sober. Who knows what could happen if you got drunk. You'd probably end up burning down the town."

"We would not!" Scootaloo protested. "Probably."

"Yeah, loosed up a bit, Rarity," Rainbow Dash said as she slapped her friend on the shoulder. "We wouldn't have to give them that much. A little alcohol never hurt anyone."

Rarity gave her another tree-withering glare. "Rainbow Dash, I will not have you giving booze to my little sister."

Applejack twitched at the unfortunate phrasing of Rarity's statement. She answered out of reflex. "It ain't booze, it's cider!" Then she bit her lip and hoped that no one else had heard her. They had.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders stared at Rarity's butt. Rainbow Dash was split between giggling and facepalming. Rarity's face couldn't even display the mixture of feelings that she felt. She blushed.

Sweetie Belle took a step forward. "Rarity. Did your butt just talk?"

"No," Rarity said. "My butt would never do such a thing!"

"I'm pretty sure I heard a voice, and it was comin' from your behind," Apple Bloom said. "It sounded kinda like my sister."

"So her butt can talk, and it can do impressions?" Scootaloo asked. "I wouldn't have thought that she'd have a skill like that."

"That's because I don't!" Rarity snapped.

"Then who was talkin'?" Apple Bloom asked. "Unless you got a miniature person livin' on your butt or somethin' I don't know where that voice would've come from."

Rarity tried to answer, but all that came out was "Blrblrb!"

Rainbow Dash decided to cover for her, in a way that only she could manage. "Yeah, it's kind of a secret, but Rarity is a ventricle!"

The Cutie Mark Crusaders, plus Rarity, stared at her. Applejack would have stared if Rarity's butt wasn't facing the other way.

Sweetie Belle squinted. "One of the chambers of the heart that pumps blood? I'm pretty sure I'd know if my sister was one of those."

"Maybe she meant one of those thingies where people can throw their voices!" Apple Bloom said. "A Ventilator?"

"Vendetta?" Scootaloo offered.

"It's a ventriloquist!" Rarity snapped, unable to take any more of the CMC's limited vocabulary.

"Yeah, a ventrilogey!" Rainbow Dash said, folding her arms and nodding. "She can make it sound like her butt is talking. Her butt can't actually talk. That would be stupid and dumb."

"Really? Cool!" Sweetie Belle smiled widely. "I never knew you could do that!"

"Yeah, you sounded just like my sister, too!" Apple Bloom said. "Say something else."

Rarity's eye twitched. "I... er..."

Applejack jumped on the opportunity. "Rarity sure does like tacos, huh?"

"I do not!" Rarity said sharply, then clamped her hands over her mouth.

Apple Bloom laughed. "It sounds just like her! And she can even have a conversation with herself. That's great. Maybe we could learn how to do that!"

"Yeah!" The other two chimed in.

"I- I don't think so. It would be too much trouble." Rarity blustered.

"Yeah, it would be a pain in the butt," Applejack added.

"Um, about that..." Scootaloo said cautiously. "Why the butt? I mean, don't those ventwhatevers usually have like a doll or something? Why would you want it to look like your butt is talking?"

Rarity was at a loss for words. If she were a ventriloquist, she certainly wouldn't talk through her butt. Then again, she wouldn't ever want to be a ventriloquist, period. It was such a gauche profession. Or hobby. Or whatever. Once again, Rainbow Dash stepped in to save the day. Or at least to try to.

"Puppets are expensive. And have you ever seen how creepy those things are? You think that Rarity would want one of them hanging around all the time?"

"Yeah, I guess you're right." Sweetie Belle stroked her chin with her fingers. "Those things are pretty freaky."

"But why would she talk outta her butt, though?" Apple Bloom scratched her head. "Why not, like, her hand or somethin'?"

"Why, indeed!" Applejack said, stifling a giggle. Finally, she could get some revenge on Rarity for putting her through all of this bullshit. "I'm far more eloquent."

Rarity cleared her throat, hoping that Applejack would take the hint. "I realize that this particular approach is a bit odd, but I felt it necessary to do something unique. Although you are probably right that it is probably a bit too crass. I ought to find a different way of doing things."

"Nah, I'm good," Applejack said.

Rarity frowned. "I think not."

"I think so!" Applejack would've shook with laughter if she had had a body. Then she pursed her pseudo lips together. "FFRRRTT!"

Rarity's face went bright red as she instinctively smacked her own ass. "Stop that!"

"Nothin' doin'! If you don't want me to do that, you gotta treat me better! If you wanna--"

"Shut up!" Rarity nearly screamed. Then she closed her mouth so hard that her teeth hurt. She had made a grave miscalculation. In a rather unmistakable fashion, her own words had overlapped with Applejack's in a rather blatant manner. Hopefully the CMC weren't so knowledgeable about ventriloquy that they'd recognize the impossibility.

"Wait just a second!" Sweetie Belle said, getting a dangerously quizzical look on her face. "You and your behind just talked at the same time! I'm pretty sure you can't do that."

"Uh..." Rainbow Dash jumped back in. "She's a very good ventriloquist!"

"Something fishy is going on here," Scootaloo said.

Applejack fought the urge to make a snide comment about the scent of Rarity's nethers. As hilarious as it would be, it would blow her cover completely, and the CMC were too young for that type of humor anyway.

"Yeah, you've never been able to imitate my sister that well. Does this have somethin' to do with where she disappeared to?"

"Of course not!" Rarity forced herself to laugh humorlessly as she tousled Apple Bloom's hair.

"Really? Cause I was tryin' to sleep last night when there was a big magic flash thing that woke me up." She narrowed her eyes. "And then all of a sudden your butt starts talkin' like my sister? That ain't no coincidence."

"Apple Bloom, I have no idea what you're talking about," Rarity said crossly. Hopefully if Apple Bloom thought that there was a chance of getting in trouble, she would back off. "I would greatly appreciate it if you would stop bothering me about this, or when your sister turns up, I will have to tell her that WHAAAA!"

"Aha!" Sweetie Belle grabbed the hem of Rarity's dress and whipped it upward. All three crusaders stared at Rarity's ass in a confused and non-sexual manner. Rainbow Dash was also staring, but in her case it was more of a leer.

"Is that Applejack?!" Apple Bloom gasped.

"N-no, of course not!" Rarity twirled out of Sweetie Belle's grip. "It's just uh... a unique pair of panties!"

"Yeah, like you'd ever be caught wearin' orange panties?" Sweetie Belle said.

"And why would they have Applejack's face on them?" added Scootaloo. "Are you two-"

"No!" Rarity looked to Rainbow Dash and mouthed the words "help me out here!"

Rainbow Dash shrugged. "I got nothing."

Applejack groaned. "The jig is up, Rarity."

"There, I heard her voice again!" Apple Bloom pointed at Rarity's butt. "You turned my sister into a pair of panties!"

"I did not turn Applejack into a pair of panties!" Rarity screamed. Then she noticed that every head on the street had turned toward her, and lowered her voice. "Yes, the panties are Applejack. But it isn't my fau- HEY!"

Apple Bloom had crouched down by Rarity's butt and was occupied in lifting up Rarity's dress to talk to her sister. She tried to ignore the fact that her sister's face was on Rarity's rump. "What happened to you?"

"I have no clue," Applejack said. "Last thing I remember, I was on my seventh cider, and I fell asleep on the couch."

"Weren't you the one who was always telling me not to drink too much of that stuff?"

"Now's not the time, Apple Bloom."

"I'll say!" Rarity yanked her dress back over her bum and held it there. "You realize that we're in public, right? I'd rather not half the town see you talking to my bottom!"

"But what are you gonna do with my sister? I've been lookin' around all day for her! How are we gonna turn her back?"

"Well, you and you friends are going right back to building a tree house or rocket powered sled or giant teddy bear or whatever and forget that you saw us." Rarity glared at them so hard that they didn't dare answer.

"Yeah, we were just headin' to Twilight's to get her to undo this crazy spell," Applejack said. "You don't go worryin' about me. Just keep this quiet, okay? It's kinda awkward and I rather it not get even more weird by everypony in town findin' out about it."

"You got it, Applejack!" Apple Bloom gave a thumbs up that Applejack couldn't see. "Come on, guys, let's go back to workin' on the boxin' robot."

Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo followed her back toward Sweet Apple Acres.

As soon as they were out of earshot, Rarity contorted herself, talking half to Rainbow Dash and half to her own ass. "What the fuck was that? Why couldn't you have just stayed quiet? But noooooo! You had to go on and on about my butt ventriloquism skills!"

"Relax, Rarity. You ain't the one who got turned into underwear by a drunken unicorn," Applejack sighed. "And don't get all mad at Rainbow, either. It's not her fault she can't think on her feet. Dammit, I'm never gonna hear the end of this from Apple Bloom."

"Heh," Rainbow Dash chuckled awkwardly. "Yeah, that wasn't my finest moment. But hey, at least we got rid of them!"

"Yeah, I don't want my sister seein' me like this any more than she has to. This whole thing is fucked up enough already. Now can we please go to the library so we can put this whole clusterfuck behind us?"

"Yes, I think that would be a good idea. Come on, Rainbow Dash. Help us look for Twilight." Rarity strode down the street in the direction of the library. Then, she suddenly wiggled suggestively. "Applejack, what was that for? Haven't you embarrassed me enough already?"

"Uh, that wasn't on purpose." There was a disturbing degree of worry in Applejack's voice. "It's just... you better get to the library right quick." Her words carried far more gravitas than talking panties should have. "I think the spell's startin' to wear off."

Author's Note

I just want to say that the "Did your butt just talk?" bit is pretty much the first thing I thought of when I started this story.