Princesses Don't Potty

Chapters

Chapter 2 (Matters of Faith)
Chapter 4 (Sororicide)
Chapter 5 (Cleanliness is next to Goddessness)
Chapter 6 (Nor Do They Poop)
Chapter 7 (Pee Rhymes Like Tree)
Chapter 8 (Restroom)
Chapter 9 (Psychology)
Chapter 10 (She Has to Pee)
Chapter 11 (Railroading)
Chapter 1 (Princesses Don't Drink)
Chapter 3 (Well Meaning Correspondance)

Chapter 2 (Matters of Faith)

Chapter 2

By CDRW

The first thing Twilight realized when she regained consciousness was that Discord was the original God of Equestria, the omnipotent being who created everything that was, is, and will be. The proof was in very nature of the universe itself. A more malevolent being would have created a hellish wasteland filled to the brim with suffering, while a benevolent one would have ensured that when she woke up, it would be sans any memory of last night.

Twilight's brain, in a desperate effort to spare what was left of her crumbling sanity, immediately purged itself of the first realization and its disturbing theological implications in order to deal with the much more important issue of the second—that she remembered last night with perfect clarity. Since her brain (and the Universe) hadn't done the responsible thing and repressed the memory while she slept, she had to figure out some other way to deal with it.

Thinking was inevitable. Twilight thought, therefore she was, and Twilight was, therefore she thought. All she could do was try to channel it in the right direction. The right direction being straight into a wall, or barring that, off a cliff. Thus was the careful reasoning behind her first thought of the day.

Of course I haven't seen Celestia excuse herself to use the restroom. What kind of princess announces to the world that she needs to potty?

As first thoughts went, it wasn't bad. Not bad at all. It solved her dilemma admirably. It implicitly answered the question at the core of the issue, satisfying both reason and curiosity without delving too deep into the subject matter. She would have preferred something that completely invalidated the idea that Celestia ever used the bathroom as a first thought, but she would take what she could get.

In short, everything was good. Her sanity was battered but intact, and she could move on to other important matters, like discovering a fundamental particle of friendship in order to complete her Unified Model of Magic.

Twilight slowly opened her eyes, and that was when she made her third discovery, that she had been sleeping in her own bed at the library. It was a slightly perplexing discovery because she didn't remember ever going home, but one that she embraced happily because it lent credence to the new and wonderful theory that last night was all just a particularly vivid nightmare.

***

The first thing Princess Luna realized when she regained consciousness was that Discord was the original God of Equestria, the omnipotent being who created everything that was, is, and will be. The proof was in very nature of ponykind itself. No one else had the sense of humor it took to invent the hangover.

The second thing she realized was that her sister was standing over her bed, watching her sleep.

Luna groaned. As realizations go, that was a very unsettling one to have while in the throes of alcohol-induced agony. If there was one thing she had learned over the millennia, it was that whenever Celestia watched you sleep, Bad Things happened when you woke up. Those Bad Things often involved the Royal Canterlot Voice.

“Good morning, Luna,” Celestia said in a voice oozing with malice. “I believe you have a letter to write.”

Pretending to still be unconscious was not an option, so Luna did the next best thing. She emptied the contents of her stomach all over Celestia's hooves.

The resulting shriek was eardrum-shredding, skin-peeling, brain-pulping music to her ears.

Ha ha! The headache has been doubled!

***

Twilight threw back the covers and hopped out of bed, humming cheerfully as she set about her morning routine. Since it was all just a dream, she was freed from the need to worry about what happened. She showered, brushed her mane, and went downstairs to see what Spike had prepared for breakfast, and the entire time, not a single stray thought about the micturition habits of alicorns crossed her mind.

Twilight walked downstairs, and as she approached the kitchen, she heard several voices coming from the the other side of the door, including one that sounded suspiciously like Rainbow Dash asking when the food was going to be done. As she came closer, the rest of the voices resolved into those of her friends chatting overtop the sound of clattering of kitchenware.

"If you're so anxious to get your vittles, maybe you could stand to give the rest of us a helpin' hoof!" Applejack's voice snapped.

"Nah, you've got things covered. I'd just get in the way, right, Rarity?"

"Pinkie! You don't put frosting on pancakes!"

"See? Rarity agrees."

Twilight eased the door open with a bit of trepidation, and she was rewarded for her efforts with a roomful of silent staring ponies.

Applejack was standing over the stove with a spatula in her mouth and an unflipped pancake on the end. Rainbow Dash hovered near the ceiling in the center of the room, and Rarity and Pinkie Pie stood next to a plate that was heaped with a towering pile of flapjacks, the former levitating a butter knife covered in frosting that she had evidently just taken away from Pinkie Pie. Fluttershy was pouring orange juice into a row of glasses on the counter, the second to last one overflowing. Spike sat alone at the table, munching on a bowl of gems and milk.

"Good morning, everypony!" Twilight greeted them cheerfully as she eyed the stack of pancakes. "Those look good. Is there a special occasion?"

Rarity was the first to recover her composure. Tossing the butter knife into the sink with a dirty look at Pinkie, she said, "Good... morning, Twilight. No, there's no special occasion. We just felt like it would be good to have breakfast ready for you when you woke up." She simultaneously guided Twilight over to a seat at the table and floated the plate of pancakes down in front of her. Then she took the now empty pitcher from Fluttershy and grabbed a dish towel with her magic to try and wipe up the puddle of orange juice on the counter. "How are you feeling by the way?"

"Oh, I'm great!" Twilight said as she dug her fork into the pancake. "I slept wonderfully, and it sure is a beautiful morning outside. The weather team looks like they went all out today!"

"Nah, we're just that good," Rainbow Dash said as she swooped down low to take a seat next to Twilight. The blue pegasus stole a pancake off her plate and started munching on it, speaking around a mouthful of food as she went on. "You sure you're alright though?"

Twilight cocked a quizzical eyebrow at her friend. "Of course I am. why wouldn't I be?"

"Oh, it's just that you seemed a little upset last night," Fluttershy said quietly as she on Twilight's other side.

"Last night?"

"Yeah!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed. "You know, last night, when you went AAAAAAAAH and then fainted. That's usually Rarity's thing and it seemed kinda weird when you did it so we carried you home—well actually Big Macintosh carried you home because you're heavier than you look—and we decided to have a slumber party at your place and make you breakfast when you woke up so that you wouldn't go crazy and cast a spell that makes everypony in town love boiled spinach."

Twilight took a moment to swallow a bite of pancake and think before replying. "Hmmm... I don't remember that."

Applejack's disbelieving voice broke into her good mood. "Uhh, you don't remember the princesses stoppin' by our cider tasting, and Princess Luna gettin' so hammered that Celestia had to go an—"

"NO!" Twilight leveled her fork at her friend. "That was all a dream! It didn't happen! Princess Luna never drank any hard cider, and Princess Celestia didn't get embarrassed about her, and Princess Luna didn't make any drunken toilet puns, and I never, ever, ever thought about how I haven't ever seen Celestia excuse herself to use the bathroom and that doesn't matter anyway because PRINCESSES DON'T POTTY!"

The only sounds that broke the dead silence in the room were those of Spike belching a long plume of fire and the soft plop of a rolled up scroll as it fell to the table.

Chapter 4 (Sororicide)

Princesses Don't Potty

Chapter 4

By CDRW

The first thing Princess Luna realized when she woke up was that Discord couldn't have been the one who created Equestria. He would never have invented the heavenly comforts of silk pajama-socks and sheets.

The second thing she realized was that her mouth tasted like a hard-boiled cassowary egg that had been pickled in apple cider vinegar for a week, then left out in the sun to rot for a month, then the whole cycle repeated again and again for at least a hundred years. Served with a slice of apple and a side of sawdust.

Stupid griffons and their stupid delicacies for visiting royalty that you weren't allowed to turn down without starting a stupid war. They probably invented the stupid thing as some stupid practical joke anyway.

Stupidheads.

Hopefully Celestia had thought to award a medal to whatever pony invented toothpaste.

Luna threw off her covers with a flick of her horn, arched her back, and waggled all four be-socked legs in the air while she stretched her wings to either side and let out a Royal Canterlot Yawn. Her routine was cut short however when she heard the distinct crackle of paper right next to her right ear. Rolling over and sitting up in the same motion, Luna looked down and saw a slightly crumpled scroll laying on her pillow. Slowly, she blinked her still sleep-heavy eyes, and then it finally dawned on her.

"Oh! Twilight must have accidentally sent her latest friendship report to me!"

She floated the scroll over to sit on her vanity and went into the bathroom to prepare for the night. She could deliver it to Celestia during their evening meal, but that would have to wait a little bit. Her first order of business involved several tubes of toothpaste and a gallon of mouthwash.

I will have a monument erected to honor that pony. A statue, or perhaps a fountain.

***

Celestia nearly spilled her bowl of tomato soup when Luna flung open the doors of the small dining room where they took their private meals.

"Aha! There you are! I wish to discuss with you a most wonderful idea I have for a civic project! It is a fountain for the square near Dentist Avenue, a great tube of toothpaste leaning against a giant open bottle of mouthwash. The water for the fountain pours out of the mouthwash bottle you see, and—"

"Good evening Luna," Celestia interrupted calmly as she used a napkin to dab at a spot of soup that had splattered on her fur. The calm part was always important when dealing with Luna. "You seem remarkably chipper, considering how indisposed you were earlier."

Luna beamed and sidled into her seat across the table, setting a scroll down next to her place settings. "Of course I am in good spirits! My headache is gone and my mouth is fresh!" She examined the meal of tomato soup, crackers, grilled cheese sandwiches, and tea that was laid out before her with relish and continued, "So, how fare our little ponies this day? Do they prosper?"

Celestia hid a half annoyed, half amused smile behind her teacup when Luna dished herself a bowl of soup and crumpled in enough crackers to turn it into a thick sludge. Fortunately, her sister knew better than to use the same table manners at official functions. "As prosperous as ever, Luna. Today's been quiet, no monsters from the Everfree, or deadly ancient magicks, or economic crises popping up at all. I was a little concerned that we hadn't heard anything from Twilight after the incident the other night—" She nodded at the scroll on the table. "—but it looks like I don't have to worry about that anymore either."

"Ah yes," Luna floated the scroll over to her as she slurped her sludge. "It seems Twilight accidentally sent her friendship report to me instead of you."

"Wait. What?" Celestia blinked as she took it and broke the seal, unrolling the letter to get a look at it. "It's not a reply to your letter?"

"Letter?" Luna asked, equally confused. "What letter?"

Celestia sighed, rolled the scroll up again, and passed it back to Luna. "The letter you wrote Twilight and her friends to apologize for your behavior after we visited Sweet Apple Acres? Honestly, Luna! How can you not remember that after everything it took to wring it out of you?"

Luna tapped her chin as she thought and then broke into a wide smile, saying, "Oooohhh!"

"You remember now?" Celestia asked her dryly.

"Not at all. That was an 'oh' of comprehension, not an 'oh' of remembrance. You made me write it while I was still hung over, didn't you?"

Celestia’s eyes narrowed in confusion for a second before widening in realization, then she buried her face in her hoof.

"You remember now?" Luna asked smugly.

"Yes," Celestia groaned and then she started reciting the old forgotten adage, "Drunk Luna hath stupid fun. Morning-after Luna hath stupid."

The saying had once been one of those pithy pearls of wisdom that mothers and grandmothers taught to their descendents and nopony actually listened to until they found out firsthoof exactly why it had become a pithy pearl of wisdom in the first place.

"I can't believe I forgot that you never remember the things you do when hung over. In my defense, it’s been a thousand years."

“Excuses excuses." Luna pointed a spoon at her and asked, "So, what was this apology letter about?"

Celestia looked at Luna with the flattest expression she could muster.

When she finally realized, Luna at least had the good grace to look embarrassed. "Oh dear, was I flirting again?"

Celestia massaged her temples with her hooves. "Luna, you flirt the way a tornado cuddles, but yes, you were flirting again."

Luna winced and looked at her out of the corner of her eye. "With Twilight?"

"No. Thank heaven."

Luna looked visibly relieved. "Oh, good," she said. "Macintosh then?"

"He wasn't even there."

"Rarity?" she ventured with a cringe.

"Still wrong."

Luna slouched down in her seat, her face a mass of confusion. "Then who?"

Celestia, unwilling to let an all-too-rare opportunity to leave Luna the frustrated one slip by without taking full advantage of it, said nothing, and just nodded at the scroll with a hint of a smirk on her face. Luna might be a pain in the flank sometimes, but nopony could deny that it was fun to see her get her comeuppance, and Celestia wasn't about to cut anything short by just telling her.

Luna rolled her eyes and snorted. "Fine then," she said. "But I'm reading it in private, and I'm not going to tell you anything it says!" Then she snatched a grilled cheese sandwich off the platter and savagely sunk her teeth into it. Her eyes lit up and she sat up straight. "This is glorious!"

Celestia smiled. "You like it? The new cook, Gladstone, made them."

I knew hiring him was a good idea. Maybe she'll loosen up a little bit now.

Luna held the sandwich out at arm's length and peered at it with wonder in her eyes. "Gladstone, huh? I shall have to thank him personally. Strange name for a pony though, it almost sounds like..." The look of bliss faded from her eyes, and all of a sudden she dropped the sandwich like it had grown tentacles and an amorous disposition. "Is Gladstone a griffon?"

Or not.

Celestia sighed. "Really, Luna? Really? Are you honestly still upset about that egg dish? They stopped serving it nine hundred years ago!"

"And I can still taste it!" Luna shot back. "Stupidhead griffons!"

"You have to admit, it was a very nice gesture on their part. Harvesting cassowary eggs is a dangerous business, and the amount of time and work that went into preparing the dish is an extraordinary undertaking for mortals. Three generations of griffons put their lives into preparing that dinner for you." Celestia pointed an accusing hoof at her sister. "And you went and vomited it all up in the nearest bush the second their backs were turned!"

Luna shuddered. "It was even worse coming up."

"That's what you get for your ingratitude," Celestia said as she daintily took a sip of tea.

"Still better than the gas it gave you."

Celestia daintily spewed her tea all over the table. "What! I never—"

"Oh please! Even you can't hide a smell like that. It hung around your bedroom for weeks!"

"That was the fumigation!"

"Yes," Luna said with a smirk. "The most effective fumigation Equestria has ever seen. I'll bet that if we went and paid a visit to the old castle ruins right now, your room still wouldn't have any bugs in it."

Celestia huffed, and she puffed, and finally she just settled for yelling, "Give me that!" and snatching up Twilight's scroll with her magic. Before Luna could do anything, she unrolled it and started reading out loud.

"Dear Princess Luna, today I learned that you should never underestimate the insight of your friends. Oftentimes even the oddest of ponies have hidden reserves of wisdom if you take the time to listen.

"I was having a lot of trouble trying to accept what you said about how Princess Celestia really does use the restroom, and it was Pinkie Pie of all ponies who helped me realize that there was no point in freaking out over it because I still don't actually know if it's true. Pinkie reminded me that this problem can be approached the same way as any other problem I’ve faced, with research...” Celestia trailed off as the horror of what she was reading sank in.

"Luna..." Her voice shook and her vision began to cloud over red. For ten long, silent seconds, she didn't do anything at all, then the last remnants of her self-control snapped and she launched herself bodily across the table to throttle her beloved little sister, sending their dinner flying through the air.

Instead of Luna’s neck, Celestia’s hooves closed on air, and then she collided face first with the empty chair where her sister should have been cowering.

Dazedly, she climbed to her feet and yelled. "LUNA! YOU GET YOUR FUZZY PURPLE BUTT BACK HERE THIS INSTANT SO I CAN TORCH IT!"

The voice of a very evil, and soon-to-be very dead pony came in through the open door.

“OUR BACKSIDE IS BLACK, AND THOU SHOULDST PAY MORE ATTENTION TO THY SURROUNDINGS!"

Celestia did her level best to charge out the door and murder Luna, she really did, but marble floors are slippery when covered with tomato soup. When her hooves disappeared out from beneath her, she threw her wings open wide, but it was too late. With a squawk and a flurry of feathers, down she went.

As she lay there sprawled on the floor, the red haze of anger began to fade from her eyes, only to be replaced by the red haze of tomato soup.

“Heh.”

Celestia didn’t move as the warm puddle of soup she was lying in soaked her through.

“Heh heh.”

Washing out the stain was going to be murder, and was that melted cheese she felt in her mane? The royal stylist was going to have a fit!

"Heh heh heh."

With a bit more care this time, Celestia climbed to her hooves. A grilled cheese sandwich slowly peeled away from her chest and plopped to the floor, leaving behind a long string of melted cheese and grease dangling from her fur.

Celestia threw back her head and started laughing.

The ridiculousness was overwhelming. She was just standing there, dressed in her own dinner while Luna escaped to who-knew-where, she still had to lower the sun, everypony in Canterlot had probably heard her yelling at Luna, and she knew for certain that not one of them would acknowledge the fact that her dignity had just spontaneously disintegrated. She didn’t even know if that last one was incredibly funny or heartbreakingly depressing.

And all because Twilight decided to do research on my bathroom habits.

Celestia’s laugh garrotted itself.

Tirek’s horseshoes! Twilight’s doing research on my bathroom habits!

All of a sudden, the dining room felt very small, and Celestia felt like she would very much appreciate a paper bag to breath into, but the only paper things at hoof were the napkins and the scroll...

The scroll!

Luna had fled without the scroll!

Celestia spotted it lying next to a slowly spreading puddle of soup and scooped it up with trepidation. Trembling, she levitated it in front of her eyes and started reading the rest of Twilight’s letter.

"That is why I would like to ask you to please clarify how you know that your sister uses the restroom when you said in the postscript that you have never even seen her walk into one. If you have no evidence to back up your claim, then that theory really isn't any more credible than the one that says everything she eats serves as fuel to keep the sun burning. Not that I'm casting aspersions on the veracity of your claim, I'm simply presenting the difficulties I have with that as a neutral researcher.

"As for your requests, Applejack says that her family's only copy of the cider recipe somehow caught fire yesterday. It was a total loss. Even if you get another recipe though, I'm not sure how the book you requested would help. Apple cider is fermented, not distilled. Unless you're planning to make apple whiskey or something like that, you won’t get any use out of a book about still-making. I will still be happy to lend one to you in exchange for the information I requested though, after you fill out the attached library card application form.

"Last of all, Fluttershy says that she could never sue because that would be mean, and that your spider plushies sound very nice and she would like to see them someday if that’s alright with you.

“Thank you for everything.

"Your sister's faithful student, Twilight Sparkle."

In a brief moment of insight, Celestia finally realized why Twilight was so obsessed with lists. Right then, she wasn’t sure if she should be panicking, chasing Luna, or writing down the names of all the ponies that could do with a good banishing. A list would have eased the burden of deciding which to do first.

Author's Note

Thanks to Japanese Teeth, Cleverpun, and Sereg for going over my writing and giving advice. It's a really big help.

Chapter 5 (Cleanliness is next to Goddessness)

Princesses Don't Potty

Chapter 5

By CDRW

Fluttershy reacted to the sound before she was even awake enough to realize what it was. With a scream and a gasp, she pulled the blankets up over her head and curled into a quivering ball. The mare had every intention of staying there forever, up until her brain started working enough to make out hooves banging on her door and the pitiable voice of a pony in distress calling out to her.

"FLUTTERSHY! WE BESEECH THEE! GRANT US SANCTUARY!"

Timidly, Fluttershy poked her head out from underneath the blanket and looked towards the open window that the voice was coming in through. It was really, really dark out there, and she couldn't see anything at all, but her ears perked up in recognition when the voice came again.

"WE WILL GRANT THEE A BOON, ANYTHING THOU ASKETH IS THINE! JUST HIDE US FROM THE WRATH OF OUR BELOVED SISTER!"

"P-princess Luna?" she asked quietly.

Fluttershy's words were so soft that she was sure the pony waiting in the darkness couldn't hear, but her heart was beating really hard, and it was so dark and scary outside, and she just couldn't make her voice go any louder.

"YES, 'TIS US! OPEN THE DOOR, FOR THE SUN WILL SOON RISE AND WE DARE NOT BE CAUGHT OUTSIDE LEST THE FIRES OF HEAVEN RAIN DOWN UPON OUR HEAD!"

The very first thought that flashed through Fluttershy's sleep-fogged, but terrified mind nearly sent her diving under the covers again, because the only sort of pony she could think of who would be afraid of the sun was a vicious, bloodthirsty vampony. They had big, sharp teeth, and they couldn't come into your house unless you invited them. They had really good hearing too, good enough to hear a scared little mare whispering in her upstairs bedroom from the front porch. And they were vicious and bloodthirsty.

"PLEASE! IF THOU HAST EVEN A SHRED OF KINDNESS IN THY SOUL, THOU WILT NOT IGNORE OUR PLIGHT!"

"Oh dear..." Fluttershy's legs started moving all on their own, gently drawing aside the covers, carrying her out of bed and downstairs, coming to a stop by the front door, where the vicious, bloodthirsty vamprincess awaited, ready to sink her fangs into Fluttershy’s tender neck.

She felt a thrill run through her body as she reached a shaking hoof towards the handle. "I... I guess it wouldn't be so bad. Y-you promised a boon?"

"YES!"

"Oh. Okay. Um, then if it's alright with you... Uh... P-please be gentle when you do it. ...It's okay if you don't want to, though. I guess I don't mind."

There was a pregnant silence as Fluttershy slowly turned the knob and pulled the door open, revealing a very confused looking princess of the night. Fluttershy blinked, then Luna blinked, then Luna opened her mouth just enough for one word to slip out.

"What?"

***

The Royal Shower would have been counted among the wonders of the world if Celestia was the sort of pony to allow tour groups to go traipsing through her bathroom. When she had it built, she made sure that all the construction workers signed a nondisclosure agreement, because she really didn't want a constant stream of ponies traipsing through her bathroom. To this day, the only thing they could say about it without finding a few ponies in black suits and sunglasses on their doorstep was, "All of the showerheads are made from old firehose nozzles." Among the many things they weren't allowed to repeat was the engineer's original sales pitch, "At full power, this baby will deliver four cubic feet of water per second at temperatures hot enough to make your little pet phoenix there say 'Dang, filly! Going overboard much?'"

Her shower was the absolute, unrivaled pinnacle of hydrodynamic technology, and it was getting its flank handed to it by a pot of tomato soup.

Celestia groaned in utter despair when she turned off the water and looked down at herself. Not only had she completely failed to throttle her sister, she had managed to stain her perfectly white coat with pink blotches for the trouble. With all the frustration a multi-milennium-old being that lived under the same roof as Luna could muster, she raised her eyes to the ceiling and asked, "Why has nopony invented a stain-removing spell yet!"

She hated this. She hated that she had actually lost count of how many rounds of full-body shampooing she'd gone through, she hated the fact that she'd spent literally the whole night in the shower, she hated the really weird feeling of pruney hooves, and most of all, she hated the fact that she felt altogether too much like Rarity.

No offense. Celestia mentally apologized to Rarity.

She would be darned if she was going to be pink when she showed up to court though!

No offense. Celestia mentally apologized to Cadance.

She very carefully didn't think about Pinkie Pie at all as she lathered herself all over with the last bit of shampoo in the bottle and turned the water on again to full power. She didn't think about the fact that she looked like Pinkie's big sister, or the fact that the mare would probably be laughing her flank off if she could see the princess right then, or the fact that Pinkie was directly responsible for Twilight's resolution to investigate her bathroom habits.

The only ray of light in all of this was that Celestia might be able to get the pink splotches out of her mane and tail. That was one of the perks that came with having a magically imbued, half-etherial head of hair, it was easy to clean and hard to ruin. Nothing short of dye was going to stay in her mane for long.

When Celestia turned off the water again, she very nearly had an apoplectic fit as she looked down and saw that the pink on her coat was still as pink as ever. She threw the bottle of shampoo down and stomped on it before opening the magically reinforced glass door of the shower and throwing it into the trash can next to the toilet.

Poking her head out into the steamy bathroom air, she aimed her horn at the cabinet underneath the bathroom sink and opened it with her magic, floating another bottle of shampoo out and over to herself. She slammed the shower door shut and squeezed the whole bottle out into her mane, lathering furiously to work it into every hair.

Celestia was coated from head to hoof in suds before she noticed the strange aroma rising from the shampoo. It reminded her of salons, and Rarity, and for some reason, Mayor Mare. She felt like she was on the verge of realizing something very important when a knock on the door broke her concentration and somepony called out, "Uh, princess? Are you almost done in there? It's, um. It's almost time to raise the sun."

"One second!"

***

"So, umm..." Fluttershy said as she lightly pulled aside one corner of the curtain and peered out to make sure nopony was there while a skittish Luna took a seat on her couch. "If you don't mind me asking, why are you here? Not that I mind you being here, but it's a little strange that you're here in the middle of the night. Oh, I'm sorry! Was that offensive? I didn't mean to make it sound like it's strange that you would be awake in the middle of the night! It's just that most ponies are sleeping during the night so it's a little weird to visit then, not that I was asleep or anything. Well, actually, I was, but that doesn't mean I always sleep during the night because the night is a really good time for not sleeping, like when you're thinking about all the scary things that could happen to you tomorrow, or how sometimes you still feel really lonely even when you're with your friends and you just want a hug. Oh dear, that doesn't sound very nice does it? I still think of good things when I'm awake at night too, like fluffy bunnies. Please don't turn into Nightmare Moon again."

Instead of answering her, Luna chose to take a deep breath while she put her hoof on her chest, and then let it out, straightening her leg and pushing her hoof away in the process. When she was done, she opened her eyes and said, "I fear that I may have committed a most egregious error, Fluttershy. It seems that while I was drunk and hungover—" Luna shuddered. "—I sent Twilight a letter informing her of some of Celestia’s more personal quirks, quirks that my sister was... a little unhappy to learn had been divulged. I escaped her initial retaliation only by virtue of my keen sense of danger and quick reflexes."

"Oh my." Fluttershy brought both hooves to her mouth as she took wing and fluttered over to sit next to Luna on the couch and laid a comforting hoof on her shoulder. "That sounds really scary, and not like Princess Celestia at all. She sounds..."

"Vicious and bloodthirsty?" Luna asked with a smirk.

Fluttershy ducked her head and blushed like the sun.

"Fear not, my little pony,” Luna went on. “My sister is every bit as benevolent as she looks, but being a princess is a stressful occupation, and she doesn't get many chances to express herself. I am willing to put up with her eccentricities if it helps keep her happy, within reason of course, and this time was no different. I was simply going to wait out the day in some remote location of the castle until she'd calmed down enough to remember that anything I say or do while drunk doesn't count, but then I realized something.”

"Doesn't count? I mean, realized?" Fluttershy asked.

Luna's face grew fierce, and she waved her hoof in the air. "That I am the princess of the night! I do not simply stand aside when somepony tries to strangle me, even if that pony is my sister and she might be a tiny bit justified in her annoyance! Instead of hiding like a coward, I enacted my revenge! It is only a matter of time before she falls afoul of the ingenious traps I laid!"

Fluttershy very nearly ran back up to her bedroom and took cover under her covers, but before she had a chance, the fight seemed to drain out of Luna. The princess looked down at the couch while a surprisingly adorable hint of shame bloomed in her cheeks. "I fear I may have gotten carried away though. Due to the... err... location and nature of these traps, she will likely think that I planned the events at Sweet Apple Acres. She is already upset about that, and it was not wise of me to push the matter further.”

"Umm..." Fluttershy said, resisting both the urges to hug Luna until she felt better and politely ask her to leave before Celestia found out she was there. "I'm not sure I understand. What sort of traps did you lay that would make her so mad?"

"Well," Luna said, tapping her chin with her hoof. "There was..."

***

Celestia stared at her reflection in the mirror, rendered mute by shock. Every hair on her body, from her mane to her coat to her tail, was colored the most sickeningly pastel shade of pink imaginable. Even her cutie mark hadn't escaped the cursed color, now displaying a slightly red-tinged version of the normally resplendent golden sun that graced her hiney. This was no tomato soup. This was...

"Dye."

If any word could be physically infused with shock, anger, despair, and pure, unadulterated desire for revenge, that one would have struck deaf every living creature within a thousand miles.

The princess was yanked out of her reverie by a knock on the bathroom door and a pony calling out worriedly, "Princess Celestia? Is everything alright in there? We really need you to come out and raise the sun soon."

"Coming!" She said in her most artificially cheerful voice, the one that she usually reserved for meetings with parliament.

***

"She always hated pink."

Fluttershy was doing her very best not to giggle, and she didn't understand why. Putting dye in Celestia's shampoo was bad, and she should feel bad.

Luna smiled impishly at her from across the couch. "Then there was..."

***

"Arghhh! Why does my toothbrush taste like vegemite!"

***

A squeak squeezed around the hooves clapped tightly over Fluttershy's mouth.

"And then there is the real kicker..."

***

Celestia eyed her toilet with suspicion. The way the morning was going, she would have already been on edge, but having just learned that Twilight was investigating her bathroom habits a few hours ago... It would probably be better not to take chances until the crisis was solved.

Of course, that left the problem of figuring out an alternative.

Her musings were cut short by a frantic banging on the door. "Princess! You're ten minutes late on the sunrise! Blueblood is demanding that somepony notify the Elements of Harmony that Luna’s snapped and had you beheaded!"

"I can just hold it for now," she muttered, steeling herself for the day. If she had to confront Equestria with a pink mane, foul tasting mouth, and uncomfortably full bladder, then so be it.

***

"Oh my..." That last one wasn't funny.

"'Oh my' is correct. By the time I realized I had gone too far, it was too late. Celestia had locked herself in the bathroom tryin to wash the soup stains out of her coat. I do not know what she will do if she catches me, but it will be most unpleasant.” Luna looked Fluttershy straight in the eyes and her voice turned ominous. “I am not the pony that the dragons are speaking of when they say, 'Do not meddle in the affairs of alicorns, for they are subtle and quick to anger.'”

A chill ran down Fluttershy's spine and lodged in her intestines.

"Please, Fluttershy. Agree to hide me until it is safe. I was not jesting about the boon. It will not be easy, it will not be safe, but I promise that you will be rewarded for your kindness."

***

"I'm terribly sorry about the delay," Celestia said with a practiced smile as she opened the door, doing her best to ignore maid's bewildered double-take at her new, ruddy palette.

***

Rainbow Dash was flying on her way to the Golden Oaks Library when she was forced to land in the road by the biggest yawn of her life. She squeezed her eyes so tight a few tears came out, while her mouth opened wide enough to fit her hoof all the way inside.

When Dash finally finished the oral exercise and opened her eyes, she was greeted with the sight of Pinkie Pie right in her face. "Hiya, Pinks." She said, too tired to be fazed by her friend’s randomness. "Twilight rope you into coming over too?" She yawned again before continuing. "I still don't see why she wanted to have a planning session at dawn, and with me of all ponies."

"Yup!" Pinkie Pie said, way more cheerful than anypony should be at that time of day as she waved a hoof at the brightening horizon. "She wanted to do it now because it's thematically appropriate. The sunrise symbolizes both Celestia and the beginning of this new chapter in Twilight’s—"

Pinkie's words were cut off as she suddenly froze and stared into space.

"Uh, you okay there Pinks?" Dash asked, wondering if she should be concerned or let it go as just Pinkie being Pinkie. She was starting to lean a little more towards concern when Pinkie Pie started twitching.

Chapter 6 (Nor Do They Poop)

Princesses Don't Potty

Chapter 6

By CDRW

Twilight didn't enjoy cooking per se. In truth, she was just as content to down a bowl of instant noodles as a plate of lasagna, and since instant noodles were infinitely more convenient, they usually won out unless Spike made something. However, if there was one thing she enjoyed, it was correctly doing whatever task was at hoof, and an early morning meeting where she sat down with two of her friends to hammer out plans for the most important research project she would ever undertake needed food that reflected the gravity of the situation. That's why she made omelets.

She was just putting the plates out on a card table she'd set up in the main room of the library when those very friends arrived at the front door. Pinkie Pie came in first, singing a catchy tune and pronking all over the place. Rainbow Dash walked in behind her with a thoroughly bemused look on her face. When Twilight caught her eye and shot a meaningful glance at Pinkie, she seemed at a loss for words. Dash opened her mouth, shook her head, and then finally said, "Pinkie says there's a doozy on the way."

The ice-odermic needle that stabbed right through Twilight's heart and pumped liquid nitrogen into her bloodstream was purely metaphorical. Said metaphorical liquid nitrogen, in addition to freezing her arteries and blood solid, vaporized as it took up her body heat, the over-pressurization sending shards of bloody ice tearing throughout the unfrozen parts of her body and causing metaphorical internal hemorrhaging on the verge of becoming massively metaphorical external hemorrhaging. All this happened so fast that the metaphorical air embolism and stroke never even had a chance to get off the ground.

"A-a doozy? What kind of doozy?"

"I don't know!" Pinkie Pie chirped from right behind her. "Ooh! Omelets!"

***

Princess Celestia sat her royal pink plot down on her throne in front of a room full of gawking ponies, wondering as she did so why it never occurred to her to take a sick day until just then. Now that she thought about it, she could have also just shaved her mane, tail, and coat right off. Naked was still better than pink, right?

As she gazed out over the crowd with well-hidden dismay, she noticed that there were even more ponies than usual this morning, no doubt due to prince Blueblood's hissy fit after she'd been thirteen minutes late bringing up the sun. What was he even doing up in the first place? Self-absorbed twats aren't supposed to be morning people!

In spite of, or perhaps because of her unfortunate condition, the throne room was as silent as a librarian's tomb. Celestia's guards were too well trained to react with anything but stoicism. The nobles didn't say a word because they were too busy trying to figure out what their princess's sudden change in style meant for the well-being, stability, and continued future of the fashion industry. The journalists were all in the middle of being tied up, beaten, and told they were bad little colts by their respective muses as they tried to come up with creative new ways to convey the concept of pink through the woefully inadequate medium of printed words. The photographers were smirking.

With the utmost of aplomb, Celestia cleared her throat. The only effect it had was to buy her a few seconds, because every single eye in the room was already gazing up at her with rapt attention, bursting at the seams with curiosity about what she was going to say. Would she explain her new look? Tell them why she had been late raising the sun? Conspicuously ignore those questions and proceed with business as usual?

As Celestia took in the silence, her path suddenly became clear to her. It was too late to save her own image, but she still had options. If she had to be a pretty pink pony princess for the puerile paparazzi and the prudish postulants packing the place, then she wasn't going to do it alone. For the first time in centuries, she simpered and batted her eyelashes, then she gave the sixth most quoted speech she would ever give in her long, long life.

"Don't you think my hair looks beautiful? My sister did it for me."

And thus, princess Celestia cheerfully threw her own sister beneath the wheels of the biggest, frilliest, and soon-to-be-pinkest bus in all of Equestria; the Canterlot Fashion Industry. The smile she gave for the cameras showed a few more teeth than usual.

***

"Okay," Twilight said after she was finally able to resume breathing. "This could be anything. Just because there's a doozy coming that doesn't mean that it's about this. Who knows? Maybe Fluttershy is about to find her very special somepony. That would be a doozy. It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with us scooping princess Celestia's deepest, darkest secrets right out of her toilet." She shot a glare at Pinkie Pie, daring her friend to say something that would give her the last little push she needed to go over the edge.

To Twilight's great surprise, it didn't come. Instead, Pinkie Pie smiled and said, "That's the idea, Twilight! It could be anything! Maybe Rainbow Dash is the one who makes those yellow rainclouds. Or, I know! Maybe Macintosh doesn't actually like stallions! That would be a huge doozy!"

"I haven't wet the bed since I was fourteen!"

"There's no evidence that Macintosh is gay!"

"The Cakes aren't a lie!"

Twilight and Rainbow Dash both stared at Pinkie Pie, who shrugged and said, "I wanted to join in the fun too."

Twilight's right ear twitched in irritation. She really wanted to say something about that. She wasn't entirely sure what, but something. They had already wasted too much time as it was though, and the meeting was rapidly approaching complete derailment before they'd even begun. With a herculean effort of willpower, she wrestled her curiosity into line and said, "Okay. Some of us have said some things here that bring up a few questions, but right now we have more pressing issues to deal with. What do you say we just let it all go and start planning?"

"Okie-dokie!" Pinkie said around a mouthful of omelet, having somehow sat down at the table and begun to eat without ever moving.

Rainbow Dash shuffled her feet and stretched her wings before sitting back down and poking at her omelet. "Yeah, let's do that."

"In that case," Twilight said as she magicked in a blackboard in from the other room. "I'm sure you're wondering why I asked you two specifically to help me." She grabbed a piece of chalk with her magic and wrote on the blackboard in big bold letters 'Operation Floodwaters', underscoring it with three horizontal lines. "It's because you're the best pranksters I know."

***

Fluttershy sat on the opposite end of the couch from princess Luna, wondering what to do next as the conversation drowned a slow, glubbing death. The sun was just barely coming up outside, but it was still too early to do any of her chores, and she had at least an hour before any good reason to excuse herself would crop up.

"Thank you for hiding me, Fluttershy," Luna said for the third time in the last five minutes. "It means a great deal that you would risk my sister's wrath for my sake."

Fluttershy didn't leave off staring intently at her hooves as she tried not to imagine an angry Celestia and replied, "Um, you're welcome, I guess."

The level of awkwardness was approaching critical mass before Luna cleared her throat and made another attempt at conversation. "So, what exactly is your job in Ponyville? Forgive me if it should be clear, but I haven't been able to discern what it is that you do."

"Oh..." Fluttershy shrunk down into her couch cushion. In all honesty, she would have preferred the awkward silence over that question.

"I... don't really have a job. Not a steady one at least. I keep some animals so that if anypony wants to buy a pet they can get one from me, and I have a part time position helping out at the veterinary clinic with the more stubborn or dangerous animals. Sometimes I help Rarity with her projects when they get too big for one pony to handle, and I conduct the bird choir at special events in town."

Fluttershy rubbed her leg self consciously. "So yeah, I don't really have a real job."

Even to her ears, that sounded pathetic, but Luna was looking at her, so she cast around for anything else she could add. "I did some modeling for a little bit too, but I stopped because I didn't like it."

She cringed, waiting for princess Luna to start laughing, or for the awkward silence to come back even worse than before.

"That is wonderful!"

Fluttershy flinched and told herself it was oka—

"Wait, what?" she asked, startled enough to look up at Luna, who was smiling broadly at her.

"To do all that, and I am sure that you left a great deal out, is an exceedingly admirable accomplishment."

"I... don't understand." Fluttershy ventured. "Most ponies don't th—"

"Most ponies," Luna cut her off. "Go into a profession related to their cutie-mark, is that not so?"

Fluttershy wasn't entirely sure where this was going, but she was starting to get nervous. "Umm, Yes? I guess? That's sort of what I do, but it's a little harder because my special talent isn't really the kind that makes a lot of money."

Princess Luna paused for half a second before she got up off the couch and whirled to face her. "That is no shameful thing, for a pony's special talent is sacred. This generation has become soft though. That is all that most ponies do now. They get a job related to their one talent, collect their pay, and then buy whatever else they want to make their life comfortable. A pony is more than just her cutie mark though, more than a specialist who only has one thing to offer to the world. If your special talent doesn't lend itself easily to one job then that is all the better, for it motivates you to do more with yourself than you would have otherwise."

Fluttershy watched in amazement and a little apprehension at the change that had come over the princess. Uncomfortable memories of Nightmare Night and the other night when Luna had gotten tipsy started bubbling up.

Luna paced back and forth, flexing her wings in and out, and occasionally waving her right hoof in the air. Her voice grew more and more passionate as she continued her speech. "A pony should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, keep a garden, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, create a fair tax code, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly." Luna punctuated her final sentence with a stomp of her hoof. "Specialization is for insects!"

Fluttershy would have responded to Luna's speech with a nice, soft "yay", but she was too busy hiding under the couch.

"Oh," Luna said, folding her wings to her sides with an embarrassed look on her face. "Too loud?"

***

Rainbow Dash put her fork down and stared at Twilight, who was busy writing something on the chalkboard underneath the heading. "Wait a second. You want to prank princess Celestia? Who are you and what have you done with Twilight?"

"What? No!" Twilight yelped, dropping her piece of chalk. "I... Well... No! That's the opposite of what I want to do. If princess Celestia actually finds out about this..."

The unicorn shuddered at the thought before gathering herself and continuing on.

"This research is likely to require stealth, creativity, misdirection, and the ability to set up a precise sequence of events without arousing suspicion. Since none of my friends are professional spies..." She gave them both a long look, which they returned with wide, innocent eyes. "Experienced pranksters are my best source of advice. You have, between the two of you, thousands of hours of experience planning and executing stuff just like this, albeit normally on a smaller scale."

Rainbow Dash looked at her skeptically, and even Pinkie Pie paused shoveling food down her throat to give Twilight a concerned look. "Are you sure you've thought this through?"

Twilight stomped her hoof. "Of course I have! Or, I will. That's what we're here for! It's really simple, actually. You can't prove a negative, and while you can establish reasonable doubt of a negative through prolonged observation, that would take entirely too much time and effort when we can simply take the opposite course and test for a positive result."

"Huh?"

Twilight massaged her forehead before picking up her chalk and finishing what she'd started. "Step One: Make princess Celestia use the toilet under controlled conditions."

Rainbow Dash's wings popped open as she finally understood. "Oh! Why didn't you say so? That's easy, you just put eyedrops in her tea."

"Actually," Pinkie Pie broke in. "Eyedrops are a big no-no. They don't work, and if you use too much it can make them sick."

"Oh. I didn't know that." Dash frowned, watching as Twilight carefully began to write something underneath Step One.

"Glad to see you're already coming up with ideas though," Twilight said. "However, Step One is just the preparation work. I'm going to need both of you to bring your A game for Step Two."

Twilight put down her chalk and stepped aside to reveal the second thing she'd written. "Step Two: Prove that princess Celestia used the toilet."

Leaning over, Pinkie Pie whispered into Rainbow Dash's ear, "Let's stay away from anything that would make the princess go number two. I don’t think Twilight can handle another doozy."

Chapter 7 (Pee Rhymes Like Tree)

Princesses Don't Potty

Chapter 7

By CDRW

"Twilight."

Planning to invade the most private sanctum of Equestria's most public pony was admittedly not the best idea Twilight had ever had. It was risky, it was dangerous (two completely different concepts, and a subject for which Twilight had a lecture prepared in the event that anypony ever asked), and it was gross. Or, it would be gross if her experiment met with success.

"Twilight?"

She was also re-evaluating her personal definition of "success," because the word was starting to lose all of its positive connotations and even some denotations in the face of this project.

"Yoohoo! Earth to Twilight!"

Be that as it may, she would press forward. She had her friends, she had her bullet-point lists, and she had science.

"Hey, Pinkie. I think she heard your 'number two' comment."

She would press forward no matter how difficult, dangerous, and heretically gross her path was. There were, however, some concepts that her bruised and battered brain quite simply couldn't process.

"Twilight! Snap out of it!"

A blue hoof flew straight at her face.

"Ahh!" Twilight ducked just in time to feel Rainbow Dash's 'get a hold of yourself' punch whoosh through her mane. When an amazed whistle drifted through the air, she looked up to see an expression of shock and amazement plastered all over Dash's face.

That expression made Twilight feel inexplicably proud of herself, but she didn't get to see it for long because a wall of bright pink fur suddenly overwhelmed her vision. At the same time, a voice flooded into her ears like a tsunami of pop-rocks and banana pudding while all the air was hugged out of her lungs by something far too strong to be organic pony legs. "Wow! Did you see that Dashie? You were like whoosh! And she was like 'eek!' And she totally dodged your punch, just like Daring Do! She'd—"

"That was a slap, not a punch! I didn't..."

Twilight missed the rest of what Dash had to say because her entire world had devolved into a spinning pink blob of asphyxiation. She desperately tried to tell Pinkie Pie that she couldn't breathe, but just ended up with a mouth full of fur that didn't taste at all like frosting. She tried to spit it out, but just ended up licking Pinkie Pie in a place that she hoped to Celestia wasn't inappropriate.

It looked hopeless, but there was a solution. With a quick flare of magic, Twilight teleported six feet to the left and turned just in time to watch Pinkie whirl once more from sheer momentum before falling over with a stunned look on her face.

"Wh—" Twilight gagged and choked on the fur that coated her tongue. Coughing and clawing with both forehooves, she tried to scrape the pink fuzz away, but that just spread it all around the inside of her mouth. It danced on Twilight's tongue, garnished the inside of her cheeks, and was trying its level best to march right down her throat. Scooping up a glass of water from the card table, she quickly poured it into her mouth. She swished, rinsed, gargled, and, lacking anywhere else to do so, spit it back into the cup. Pink hairs and bits of breakfast swirled lazily in the glass for a second before she put it down and repeated the process with the other two.

Finally, Twilight felt like her mouth was clean enough to talk. "Pinkie, when was the last time you— No, nevermind." Fixing a glare at her feathered friend, she asked indignantly, "What was that for, Dash?"

Rainbow Dash at least had the good grace to look embarrassed when she answered. "You were just standing there, staring into space. It was starting to freak me out."

"Yeah, Twilight." Pinkie Pie broke in. "You were all freaky-squeaky, like you saw a ghostie and forgot to giggle at it. Did you see something? Because you can't just see things that other ponies can't see and then not tell us! Or were you thinking? You like to think a lot. What were you thinking about?"

"I..." Twilight raised her hoof as she instinctively prepared to break into lecture, but then put it back down as confusion rolled across her face. "Huh. I don't remember. Something about the difference between risk and danger I think?"

"Really? Because Rainbow Dash thinks you heard me say—"

"Hey Pinkie," Rainbow Dash cut her off with a dangerous tone in her voice. "Are you thirsty? You sound thirsty." She grabbed a glass of water with both forehooves and offered it to Pinkie Pie. "All that talking has made you a little hoarse. You should stop and soothe your throat with a nice, refreshing drink."

Pinkie Pie turned a slight shade of artichoke as she eyed the floaties dancing lazily in the water. "Umm. Thank you, Dashie. I'm not really thirsty though." A drop of sweat trickled down her forehead when she saw Rainbow Dash's eyes narrow slightly. "Hey, Twilight! I think Zecora can help. She has some special tea leaves that'll make anypony have to go potty really bad. She say's it's for 'cleansing.'"

Twilight shook off her confusion and asked, "Wait, really?"

Pinkie nodded extra vigorously while she backed away from Rainbow Dash, who was still looking at her with squinty eyes.

"Yeah, it tastes kind of funny though, and not ha ha funny."

Twilight cocked her head while she processed this information. "That... just might work. I think I have... One second."

Twilight dashed into the kitchen and threw open her cabinet doors, rummaging noisily through one after another until she found what she wanted. After a few seconds, she pulled out a tin can decorated with printed bushes and leaves and a tea set. Gathering everything together, she trotted back into the main room of the library with the items in tow.

Twilight met her friends' confused looks with an explanation. "This is a special tea blend called Lemon Solstice. Princess Celestia gave it to me for my birthday because it's one of her favorites..." She stopped and blushed. "I, uh. I didn't like it, so I never finished it. It's pretty strong and has a lot of flavors in it, though. Lemon of course, but it also has vanilla, licorice, almond, and a few different berries, enough flavors to hide another one if it's not too strong. Pinkie Pie, do you think you could run over to Zecora's real quick and get some of those herbs?"

Pinkie saluted and said "Aye aye, Twilight," before dashing off.

Rainbow Dash eyed the tea set warily as Twilight prepared three cups and started boiling the water in the kettle with her magic. "Uh, Twilight. Why are you making the tea now? Princess Celestia isn't here."

Twilight beamed widely. "Of course not! We have to test it first."

A long, drawn out silence stretched between the two of them, Twilight humming a little bit as she cleared the dirty dishes from the card table, and Rainbow Dash growing more and more fidgety by the second.

"Why, uh... Why so many cups?"

"Everypony's body reacts differently to things like this. We need to collect multiple data points to establish a baseline dosage to work from."

Rainbow Dash gulped audibly. "Um... aren't you being a little bit hasty here?"

"A little bit," Twilight admitted. "Normally, I would use a lot more than three ponies for this step, but we kind of need to keep it a secret."

"This step?" Rainbow Dash squeaked.

"Yup. That's just proof of concept, to see if the herbs work the way we need and can be masked by the flavor of the tea. After that, we'll need to do extensive testing to find the proper dosage and concentrations. We'll probably be refining the recipe right up until the day we execute whatever plan we come up with."

Twilight had to work to hide her smile when she saw Rainbow Dash swoon a little. She probably should have felt a little more sympathetic, but her friend had just tried to hit her in the face.

***

Princess Celestia had to pee.

She didn't need to potty, tinkle, wizz, or wee. The mounting pressure in her bladder was serious, and it called for serious vocabulary. On the other hoof, there was nothing particularly highbrow or intellectual about the horror in her hindquarters; thus, she didn't need to urinate or micturate either.

She had to pee.

But between Luna's pranks, and Twilight's stated intention to investigate her bathroom behavior, her toilet was about as trustworthy as a cockatrice babysitter who had eaten too many Everfree mushrooms. She was going to have to do something about that. Later, probably during her lunch break. After she found a toilet that was both safe and secret.

Princess Celestia didn't sigh to herself because she was in the middle of day court, and sighing while Peachy Keen pleaded for government help to stop an infestation of Mile-A-Minute vine from smothering all the orchards in Peach Pond would probably send the wrong sort of message. Instead, she smiled benevolently and said, "Thank you for bringing this to my attention, Peachy. I will inform the Minister of Agriculture and ask him to send a specialist on the train out to Peach Pond first thing tomorrow morning so we can assess the situation. Do not worry, my little pony. We'll know soon enough how to save your orchards."

Peachy Keen bowed low and said in a choked voice, "Thank you, princess. This means everything to us."

Princess Celestia nodded and smiled, and Peachy Keen left while another pony with another problem approached the throne. She didn't sigh, she didn't fidget, and she only wished a little bit that she was sitting on an entirely different sort of throne. She had to pee, but she could hold it until lunchtime.

Princess Celestia smiled gently down at the quivering brown stallion who was laying prostrate in front of her throne. "Hello, what is your name?"

***

Pinkie Pie had to pee, so she stepped behind a tree.

Author's Note

Sorry about the long wait and the short chapter. Consider this my "getting back into the swing of things" chapter. I'll have something a little more substantial next time around.

Chapter 8 (Restroom)

Princesses Don't Potty

Chapter 8

By CDRW

Pinkie Pie returned from Zecora's hut way too quickly for Rainbow Dash's taste. Of course, if her taste had anything to do with the matter, Pinkie Pie would just spontaneously marry Zecora and live happily ever after with her in the Everfree Forest, never to return with anything that even remotely resembled herbs.

Still, even though she came back a lot sooner than Dash hoped, it was also a lot later than she expected, several hours later in fact. The instant the library’s front door opened, she pounced on her pink friend like a verbal gerbil. "Holy crap, Pinkie! What took you so long? We were expecting... you... Umm."

Dash tilted her head in confusion as she tried to figure out just what,exactly, she was looking at.

Pinkie Pie wasn't bouncing, like, at all. She was just standing there with her ears drooping, tail sucked up tight between her legs, and the sort of thousand yard stare only ever found on severely concussed zombies.

Dash shot a glance at Twilight—who didn’t seem to have any idea what was going on either—before she shrugged, threw a leg over Pinkie’s shoulder, and guided her to her seat at the card table.

"So what's up, Pinkie?" she asked as her friend plopped her plot. When that didn't get a reaction, she waved her hoof in front of Pinkie's face and shouted, "Yo! Earth to Pinkie!"

"Wah!!" Pinkie jumped so hard that Rainbow Dash could have sworn she'd seen the skin along her spine start to split. She finally looked at Dash and answered with her lips stretched back into an expression that was probably supposed to look like a smile. "Hi, Dashie. I got those tea leaves from Zecora for you, just like you asked."

"Uh, Pinkie," Twilight spoke up, sporting a very worried expression. "I'm the one who asked you to get the herbs."

"Oh, I guess you did." Pinkie Pie took off her saddlebag and dumped a pile of leaves right onto the table, never once breaking eye contact with eternity. "Here you go."

Dash exchanged another glance with Twilight, looking for some help figuring out what was wrong with Pinkie. It was no use though, so Dash went with the direct approach—getting all up in Pinkie’s grill. "All right, Pinkie. What's going on? You're acting weird...er than normal. Spill the beans."

"Oh, um..." All of a sudden, Pinkie Pie blushed hard enough she could have easily been confused with a sunburned Big Macintosh from a distance. "There was Poison Joke behind the tree, and, uh, I didn't notice until it was too late. Did you know that Zecora is a really good friend by the way? I'll bet she's the Element of Rhyming. Or Potions. Her birthday is next week and I think I'm going to throw her an extra special one. There'll be streamers, and cake, and lots and lots of presents, and not one single drop of punch. I'm going to get her a bathtub. She needs a new one now anyway."

"Okay then..." Rainbow Dash said, relieved to know there probably wasn't actually anything wrong with Pinkie, and suddenly sure that she didn't want to hear any details about her adventure in the Everfree Forest.

Unfortunately for her, that meant there was only one thing left to talk about. Dash turned her eyes toward the pile of leaves sitting ominously in the middle of the table. "So, Twilight. How are you going to get princess Celestia to drink this stuff anyway? Call me crazy, but isn't this sort of thing exactly the reason why she has loads and loads of guards in the first place?"

"Wait, what?" Twilight started. "What about Pinkie’s..." She trailed off when she saw Rainbow Dash frantically shaking her head.

Twilight paused for a second as she tried to shift mental gears gears on the fly. "Uh, well, normally yes. The guards watch for that kind of thing." She scratched the back of her neck self-consciously. "But since I'm Princess Celestia's personal student, I have some liberties not available to other ponies. I can't remember the last time they searched my bags so it won't be any trouble sneaking the herbs into the palace. Actually getting them into her tea could be a bit of an issue though."

Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow at her. "What do you mean?"

"Well, I can't just sneak it into her evening meal or something like that. Her food is all made in the kitchens and that place is always incredibly busy. It's just not possible to sneak around. Plus, there's the royal food tasters. The only way around them would be to sneak the herbs into her afternoon tea. She likes to take that in her room and the guards and servants aren't normally allowed in there. I think that maybe she doesn't like them around to see..."

Ten thousand unspeakable thoughts stirred in the deepest, dampest depths of Rainbow Dash's hindbrain…

Twilight blushed and continued. "Well, she always makes the tea herself."

...before muttering something about five more minutes and pulling the blankets back up over their blobby, misshapen heads.

"I've offered to do it for her a few times, but she always says she'd rather do it herself. I don't know how I'd actually slip these herbs into it."

"Jeeze, Twilight." Dash groaned, before her ears perked straight up as she realized something. "Wait, this is perfect!"

"What?" Twilight asked, shooting her a confused look. "That makes it harder, how is it perfect?"

Rainbow Dash got up from her chair and started pacing back and forth in front of the chalkboard for a few seconds before she whirled around, facing the two mares seated at the card table. As she began speaking, her voice took on a stern lecturing tone that she would have been horrified to learn she'd subconsciously picked up from hanging around Twilight.

"You're right that it makes things a lot harder, but this is about as good as it's going to get if you don't want to get caught. Assuming that Princess Celestia doesn't ever need to use the bathroom, then the tea won't do anything. But if she does, she just might get suspicious. What if she starts thinking that her sudden attack of the squirts isn't natural?"

At this, Pinkie Pie, who was finally starting to recover from her trauma broke in. "Uh, Dash? I don't think that's the right word. 'The squirts' is..." She trailed off when she noticed that Twilight was watching her eagerly.

Rainbow Dash shot a quick glare at Pinkie and quickly moved on before Twilight could ask any questions. "If you're in the room, Twilight, then you'd obviously be the first pony she suspects. But what if, as soon as she thinks it, she realizes that she made the tea? She'll just think she's being paranoid. All you have to do is make her stop thinking about it before she takes a really good look at the idea. After that, she'll be too distracted looking for the toilet."

"Okay," Twilight said slowly as she leaned back in her chair and stared into the distance. "I haven't made it a point to study psychology yet, but that sounds plausible. The quicker you interrupt a thought, the more likely they are to forget it. Like that time Big Macintosh ran off with my doll and I forgot about all about it until just now because I thought Princess Celestia was going to send me back to magic kindergarten."

Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash shared a silent look with each other.

"And just for the record, it's perfectly alright for stallions to play with dolls, and his taste in children’s toys has no bearing on which gender of pony he prefers to kiss."

Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash shared a much, much longer silent look with each other.

"Sure, Twilight," Dash said slowly. "So anyway, while it's definitely harder to get the stuff into the tea, it's better all around." She paused for a second to rub her chin before pacing back and forth again. "Hmm. The problem is, tea leaves are just so obvious, and you have to slip them in before Celestia even starts making it.” Suddenly, a flash of inspiration went off so brightly it was almost actually visible. “Hey, Twilight. Do you think you could use your science stuff to take the pee-stuff out of the leaves? Like, make it a powder or something?"

Twilight perked up at that. "That's an excellent idea, Dash! Not only would it be easier to slip into the Princess's tea, but it would also handily solve the dosage problems inherent in using leaves.” She frowned. “The problem is that I don't know exactly which chemical induces micturition, so I can't just separate it from... And doing a thorough chemical analysis as well as drug testing would take too long..." She groaned and slumped back into her seat. "No, I can't. Not without months or even years of work."

"Dang. That would have made it so much easier. Thanks, Pinkie," Dash said as she sat despondently back down in her chair and took the cup of tea that Pinkie Pie was holding out to her.

Pinkie Pie patted her on the back and said. "Don't worry, Dashie. Twilight can totally do it if she doesn't worry about separating the gunk from the junk. She could just make the tea really really really strong—even stronger than this stuff—and pour a drop of it into princess Celestia's cup while she's not looking.

Dash grimaced as the tea’s flavor washed across her tongue. "Wow, Pinkie. You weren't kidding when you said this stuff was strong. It tastes kind of funny too. What kind of tea..." She trailed off as her eyes fell on the spot of table where the pile of leaves were no longer sitting.

Her face turned alternately pale, then red, then back to pale again before she blurted out, "Wellit'sbeenfunTwilightbye!" and crashed through the front door on the way out.

"Wow," Pinkie exclaimed. "Only six point seven seconds for one pile of leaves. Were you taking notes, Twilight?" She looked around, momentarily confused when she didn't hear an answer from Twilight. The room was completely empty. "Twilight?" It was almost ten seconds before she noticed the empty teacup on the table in front of Twilight's seat.

“Oh.” Pinkie Pie picked up her own cup of tea and took a sip. “Wow, Dashie was right, this stuff does taste funny.”

***

Princess Celestia nearly sighed in gratitude when the clock struck ten while the last of the petitioners made his way towards the large double doors at the far end of the throne room. The only thing that held her back were the several dozen nobles and press ponies who seemed to think that her throne room was some sort of lounge. They were the worst of their respective lots, too, the ones who thought that not having anything more important to do with their day proved how important they were, nobles of the trust-fund baby variety, and the paparazzi to whom they were bread and butter..

Celestia had long ago mastered the art of acting immediately without appearing rushed, so she had no difficulty cutting off the half dozen or so ponies who were approaching her throne in hopes of roping her into a last-minute audience. With a slight tilt of her head and a few well-worn, but traditional words, she let them know in no uncertain terms that she wasn’t going to have any of it. "Morning court is adjourned." Smiling graciously, she gave in to the urge to take a private dig at the disappointed hangers on. "Thank you for everything you do for Equestria, my little ponies."

Without any further ado, the pretty pink princess stepped down from her throne and, flanked by guards on either side, exited the room.

With morning court out of the way, Princess Celestia actually had a moment to take care of personal matters. Sort of. That most urgent of personal matters still weighed heavily on her bladder, and the second most urgent seemed bent on sticking around for quite a long while.

Celestia's coat wouldn't stay pink for more than a month or two, but—she shuddered at the sudden realization that she may very well have to decide between periodically dying her roots pink for the rest of eternity or letting her mane and tail grow out until they were long enough to just cut all the pink off and adopt a bob haircut, a process that would take decades.

"Princess?" The guard on her right asked in a worried voice. "Is something wrong?"

Celestia came to herself with a start, only just then realizing that she'd been standing and staring off into space for the last minute. "Everything is well, Noble Obligation," she said with a gentle—always gentle—smile as she started walking down one of the servant's corridors that were oh so incredibly convenient for anypony who wanted to get from one portion of the palace to the another as quickly as possible. She didn't often use them because it upset the staff, but she didn't feel like taking the long route today. "I was lost in thought for a moment, just something I'll need to take care of in ten or twenty years. Thank you for your concern."

Noble Obligation shot an uncomfortable glance at his partner that he probably thought she didn't notice. "Oh."

She winced internally at the tone in his voice. It was difficult enough to get ponies to relax around her, and the guard was the worst of the lot in that regard because their job description specifically forbade relaxation. There was no reason to make things worse with unthinking comments. She wondered just how many more of these little slip-ups she’d make in the next few hours. It was already that kind of day.

Getting a hold of herself, Celestia forced her frustration down with a small sigh. The damage, small though it was, was already done and there was no point dwelling on it.

The princess might not have the time to deal with either of her most pressing personal matters, but she did have ten minutes before the first meeting of the day, and she wanted a snack. Fortunately, her useage of the forbidden servant's corridors took her on a route that led right past the palace kitchens. In fact, it was the third door on the right.

The aplomb, poise, and discipline of the Canterlot Palace kitchen staff was the stuff of legend. The lowest assistant had better logistics qualifications than nearly every quartermaster in her army. The newbie waiter had twenty years experience serving as the stone-faced, ever diligent butler to Prince Blueblood's infamously abrasive father and considered himself both under-qualified and incredibly fortunate to have his job. The Head Chef had doctorate degrees in the fields of Food Science, Chemistry, Biopsychology, Political Theory, and Gastroenterology, regularly published groundbreaking papers in each of his respective fields, and served as diplomat to the infamously touchy United Minotaur Tribes on the side in order to keep his inter-species relation skills honed.

None of this overabundance of competency in matters both food-related and not was accidental in the least. Not long after her altercation with Luna, Princess Celestia had grown uncomfortable with the fact that most of her senior staff and advisers had a decidedly militaristic training and outlook, and all of them were so far removed from the everyday hustle and bustle of life that she worried she risked becoming isolated from her subjects if she only considered their input. With that in mind, she'd started asking her cooks for their advice whenever she stopped in for a bite to eat, bounced ideas and proposals off the scullery-maids, and asked the little colts in charge of keeping the firewood well stocked what they thought of her foreign policy decisions. That last one had proven remarkably profitable as well. Sometimes you need a child to tell you when you’re about to do something dumb. The result of all that was that over the centuries, her kitchen staff had quietly morphed into the most competent and diversely qualified think-tank in the country.

Celestia wasn't sure how to feel about that. On the one hoof, her original goal of finding out what the average pony thought about how she ruled had been thoroughly gutted. On the other, nopony so much as bowed when she walked in and started rummaging through the pantry.

"Let's see," she muttered to herself. "I should probably avoid anything salty. That would just make things worse." Her eyes alit on a fruit basket. "Perhaps an apple, or... Aha!" With a muted cry of joy, she swooped down on a succulent and worryingly juicy pear.

Her morning munchies satisfied, Princess Celestia let her eyes wander across the kitchen staff as she took a moment to ponder what Twilight was doing, likely planning some way to slip something into her tea or some other worryingly convoluted plan like that. "Hmm, I wonder..." she trailed off as her eyes fell upon the newest addition to the kitchen staff.

At only twenty-seven years old, Gladstone was by far the youngest person the kitchens had ever employed. Some ignorant ponies, none of whom were actually part of the kitchen staff of course, attributed it to his connections as the crown prince of Griffonia. In reality, he was about as far from a useless noble as it was possible to get. With his keen mind, insight into Griffon politics, dedication to fostering goodwill between the two nations, admittedly strange hobbies, and—quite frankly freaky—sandwich skills, he was adequately qualified, if somewhat green.

Let's see what he's really worth.

The princess nonchalantly sauntered over and leaned against the counter Gladstone was using to prepare a plate of delicious looking daisy sandwich and greeted him with a smile. "Good morning, Gladstone."

The young griffon didn't so much as pause his bread slicing as he replied with an even, "Good morning, Celestia. Is there something I can do for you?"

"Yeah." She pursed her lips and raised her hoof to her chin. "I was just wondering. If you, theoretically speaking, wanted to poison me, how would you go about doing it?"

"Simple regicide? Hmm." Gladstone placed another sandwich on the plate, wiped his claws on his apron, and pulled a notebook out of one of its pockets. After flipping through it for a few seconds, he stopped and read something written on it in shorthand, then closed and put it back in his apron

"I would brainwash Twilight Sparkle, make her send you a letter asking if she could come over for tea, which you would of course accept without question because you miss having her around the palace and being able to spend time with her in a relatively non-formal setting, distract you with a friendship report delivered in person, and slip it into the tea while you read."

Princess Celestia frowned. "Is it really that simple?"

Gladstone got back to work whipping another sandwich together with astonishing speed. "Probably easier. Twilight is by far the most vulnerable hole in your security net. You should probably look at getting her into remedial anti-brainwashing courses sooner rather than later, by the way."

"I'll take that into consideration, thank you. Oh, on another note, Princess Luna complimented your grilled cheese sandwich rather highly."

A radiant grin spread across the griffon's face. "That's wonderful! I made the cheese myself you know. It's an experimental cheddar variant I started perfecting a few years ago. There's still some in the icebox if you'd like to finish off your snack."

Celestia quickly glanced at her cutie mark and then at what was left of the pear floating in her magic before tossing it into the trash. "Tempting, but I'll have to pass. Too many snacks and we'll have a red giant on our hooves. We can't have that now, can we?"

The snort Gladstone let out earned him an irate look from the head chef, and probably some very menial chores the instant Celestia left the room, but she couldn't help but laugh along, both grateful and amazed that he'd understood and seemed genuinely amused by her painfully terrible joke.

Her free time exhausted, Celestia headed for the kitchen doors but stopped when inspiration struck. "Back on the subject of Luna, I'd like you to start preparing something special for her if you could. It's a traditional griffon dish involving cassowary eggs and a little over a century buried in the ground."

"Ah yes, Nourriture que nous servons pour des imbéciles. I can have it ready for you in time for the Equestria-Griffonia treaty renewal banquet next week."

Celestia raised an eyebrow at that. "Really?"

"The fermentation time required is frequently exaggerated for the sake of guests. It’s part of the mystique."

Princess Celestia smiled.

Chapter 9 (Psychology)

Princesses Don't Potty

Chapter 9

By CDRW

“Right.” Twilight wearily shuffled a pile of papers as she, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash gathered round the card table once more. All three ponies wore the blank-eyed, disheveled expression of a shell-shocked soldier who’d just been informed that he was pregnant; as well as the crinkly, wan pallor of a hungover squid stuck in the Calamari Desert, using every ounce of strength left in his squiggly little arms to pull himself inch by inch, mile by mile across the sand while Celestia’s cruel sun beat down upon him, and no companions to distract him from the painful realization that he had made some incredibly poor decisions in the past twenty-four hours.

Things could have been altogether worse, though. The threesome’s crack-of-dawn meeting had turned into a three-in-the-afternoon meeting and Rarity had been planning to come over for tea right about then. If she’d seen the state of their manes, the screams would have been heard in Canterlot, and Twilight would have been especially put out. Terror-screaming always drew Celestia’s attention.

Fortunately for everypony involved, Rarity kept up-to-date with the tabloids and news of princess Celestia’s daring new fashion statement had rampaged through her plans for the day like a fluffy pink Ursa Major. She was too busy revamping her planned clothing line for the next forever to stop for something as trivial as tea.

Eventually, when Twilight could shuffle no longer, she cleared her throat and dove into the first item of business.

“So now we know that the tea works wonderfully, but while the taste isn’t horrible, it’s still noticeable and we’ll need to do something about that quickly. Hopefully, lowering the dosage will be enough because we’re short on time.” She glanced up at Pinkie Pie for a second before returning to her papers. “On an unrelated note, Pinkie Pie is no longer allowed to handle food or beverages inside the library, even on party-related business. It’s an insurance issue, all the books and stuff.”

“What!”

Even the combined force of Twilight and Rainbow Dash’s glares wouldn’t normally have been enough to quell Pinkie’s protest, but after falling afoul of both poison joke and an overdose of pee-herb tea, even her considerable emotional fortitude was waning. After a few seconds of withering eye-fire, she huffed, folded her forelegs and grumbled, “Fine.”

Twilight nodded in approval and levitated the pile of papers back in front of her face.

“Where was I? Ah yes. On another unrelated note, when we’re done here please remind me that I need to write a stern letter to Toilets and Tables Incorporated to inform them about the appalling state of their paresthesia prevention research. I may also have a few dozen patent ideas they’d be interested in.”

After that, a long, awkward pause filled the air. Twilight figeted around in her seat, shuffled her sheaf of papers a couple more times, cleared her throat, and then asked with all the careful nonchalance she could muster, “Last of all, would anypony like something to drink?”

She just managed to get out “It’s punch,” before Rainbow Dash made it to the door, but not quite fast enough to save the folding chair from it’s crushing demise against the far wall.

The somewhat twitchy pegasus chuckled self-consciously as she let her hooves touch down on on the floor, glancing once at the twisted remains of her chair. “Oh. Punch? Not tea?”

When Twilight nodded her head in confirmation, Dash took a step towards the card table. “I guess punch is alright.” She narrowed her eyes. “As long as it doesn’t have any tea in it.”

“Of course not!” Twilight huffed. “It’s extremely important that we all rehydrate before we do any more testing.” She stuck her nose in the air and continued, “Besides, I’d never slip a pony an untested and potentially dangerous drug without their consent. It violates at least three ethical regulations on scientific protocol.”

At that, Pinkie cocked her head and squinted at Twilight. Then she cocked it the other way and raised her eyebrow.

Twilight sighed and asked, “What is it, Pinkie?”

“Isn’t that exactly what we’re planning to do to Princess Celestia?“

“No. The drug will be neither untested nor dangerous by the time we slip it into her tea.”

“Oh.” Pinkie paused. “What about consent? She can’t give that if we’re not telling her about it.”

“Uhh…” Caught off guard by the piercing question, Twilight suddenly found herself floundering for words while a tiny drop of sweat began to bead up on her forehead.

“I… Um… Well, if some of the experiments I’ve seen in the Equestrian Journal of Social Psychology, Journal of Applied Psychology, and Social Psychology Quarterly are anything to go by, consent isn’t strictly required if getting it would undermine the experiment, so long as there isn’t any possibility the participants may be harmed.”

“Neato!” Pinkie smiled and reached for a glass of punch, but halfway there her hoof froze in mid air. “Wait, what abou—”

“My actions are logical and internally consistent!”

“Oh! Ok then!” Pinkie Pie downed her glass while Twilight took a moment to catch her breath.

Rainbow Dash—who was standing awkwardly in the place where her chair had once been—took the momentary silence to pitch in her thoughts.

“Bwhuh?”

Pinkie Pie leaned towards Twilight and whispered loudly, “Don’t worry, Twilight, I got this.”

“She’s saying that warning the prankee ruins the prank, so you only have to do it if your prank might hurt them. That’s why we’ve got to make super-duper sure that the tea is safe, otherwise we couldn’t give it to the princess. What if she flooded Canterlot? All the doughnuts would be ruined!”

The expression that stole over Rainbow Dash’s face spoke volumes about her feelings. Specifically, the feelings it spoke of landed somewhere between “Double bwhuh?” and “I don’t care how gross Pinkie gets, she’s not ruining lemon-filled doughnuts for me.”

That was only what her expression said though, and her mouth wasn’t going to let her face steal the show when it had something to say.

“No, I mean, where the heck did that come from, Twilight?” She looked at her accusingly. “Are you sure this is a good idea?”

Twilight’s expression could have melted kittens.

“Of course it’s not! It’s a terrible idea! It is officially the worst idea I’ve ever had! This idea makes the Want-It-Need-It incident look like the height of reason!”

Twilight’s eyes shimmered with unshed tears, only to be wiped away with a flick of her eyelids and replaced by a gleam that could only be described as ‘maniacal.’ She lunged across the table, catching Rainbow Dash in something between a stranglehold and a desperate hug as she babbled on.

“But I have to know! You can’t imagine what it’s like in my head, Rainbow. The pictures. The wondering. The hours and hours and hours of thinking, pondering, calculating. Calculating! I have trajectories!

“You know, I always used to wonder why curiosity killed the cat. Curiosity is great! How could it ever hurt anything? But now I know. It’s because curiosity ate the cat from the inside out, clawed at its brain, put images in its head, and those images just kept coming. They never stop coming. The cat knew, it knew, with every fiber of its being that the curiosity would never be satisfied until it gave in. So the cat did something unbelievably stupid. And then it got caught, and then it was banished from Equestria, imprisoned in the place it was banished to, and sent back to magic kindergarten in the place it was imprisoned at. Then it died. Of magic kindergarten. But when it died, it died happy, because the curiosity had released its grip on her soul.

“I know what you’re thinking, Rainbow Dash. You’re thinking that we should call this off before it’s too late. Well it is already too late. It was too late the instant Luna opened her mouth. No! The instant she showed up at Applejack’s. She toppled the Bestpony from her pedestal and shattered her into a million pieces; and with what? A joke!

“I have no choice, Rainbow, no choice but to try and glue those pieces back together into a comprehensible whole or go insane trying! I will do this. I must! It is as inevitable as the heat-death of the universe! The only question left is ‘Will Twilight get caught?’”

Twilight took a deep breath and stared deep into Rainbow Dash’s eyes. When she spoke again, her voice was low and slow, and filled with untold yearning. “I need you, Rainbow Dash.”

The wailing voices of a thousand unholy things cried out at once from the depths of Rainbow Dash’s mind, singing a lullaby of lu—

“I need you to help me make science, and not get caught doing it.”

The unholy things mewled in confusion, unsure if they should continue to rise or sink once more into the slimy depths from whence they came. After a brief conference, they decided that sinking was the better choice all around.

Rainbow Dash returned Twilight’s stare for half a second, then put her hooves on her friend’s shoulders and said. “Whoah, Twilight. Chill out for a second.”

The purple pony opened her mouth to protest, but Rainbow took her mouth between both hooves and pressed it closed, shaking her head.

“Chill.”

Slowly, the maniacal gleam faded away from Twilight’s eyes. She cast her eyes around the room, looking at Pinkie Pie who was staring at her with her jaw dropped, at the stern expression on Rainbow Dash’s face, and down at herself, sprawled across the table with her front legs wrapped around Dash’s neck. Awkwardly, she released her hold and slid back off the table, slumping down into her chair with an expression of profound embarrassment on her face.

“Okay, Twilight,” Rainbow said, her voice brooking no argument. “Here’s the deal. You remember how after that whole thing with Miss Smartypants we promised not to brush you off even if you’re being crazy?”

“Yeah,” Twilight said softly, her eyes locked on her own hooves.

“Well I’m not going to break that promise.”

Twilight looked up, unable to keep a glimmer of hope of her face.

“I’m still going to help you. But—” She raised her hoof, stifling Twilight’s cry of joy. “—I’m laying down some ground rules right now.”

Twilight gulped down what felt like an egg-sized stone in her throat and managed to squeeze out. “What…”

“The first one’s the hardest, but if you can’t do it, everything’s off. I’m going straight to Celestia and spilling the beans. Got it?”

Twilight nodded apprehensively.

Rainbow Dash nodded. “Good. Now here it is.”

Twilight braced herself.

“No more crazy stuff.”

Twilight instinctively flinched before realizing that she didn’t understand.

“I… What?”

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and let out an exasperated puff of air. “I mean no more of this. No ranting. No getting stupid and carried away. No paranoia. No hiding in the library while everypony worries about you.”

She narrowed her eyes at Twilight. “And most of all, no more trying to blow up the universe. I can’t join the Wonderbolts if you blow up the universe. That would officially make you a bad friend.”

Twilight looked down and rubbed her leg. “Sorry.”

“Yeah, yeah I know. Just don’t do it again and we’re square. But I need you to Pinkie Swear on this, Twilight. No more crazy.”

Twilight thought about it for a moment, but then looked away and said, “I’m not sure I can.”

Rainbow Dash eyes narrowed even further until they were nothing but angry slits, but before she could say anything, Twilight looked back and her own eyes widened in horror.

“No no! I didn’t mean it like that. I want to, but I can’t do that until I know how. I’m not… I’m not exactly the best judge of when I’m getting out of hoof.”

“That’s alright, Twilight!” Pinkie Pie jumped in. “Auntie Pinkie’s here to tell you when you’re getting silly!”

“Yeah…” Rainbow Dash gave Pinkie Pie a sideways look. “Like Pinkie said, we’ll both be here. And we’ll let you know when you need to reign it in. But then you have to actually do that, no matter how hard it is. Got it?”

Twilight nodded solemnly and then started into the movements. “Cross my heart, hope to fly.” She gulped once before asking, “What… what are the other conditions?”

“Just one. You asked me and Pinkie to help you because we’re experts in pranking. That means you gotta listen to us. We know when these things are good and when they’re about to go to Tarturus. If we pull the plug on a plan, then the plug is pulled.” She brought her hoof down on the table, making everypony jump, and continued before Twilight could work up the nerve to protest. “And then we re-group when we can and make a new plan. It’s not about giving up, it’s about playing things smart so we don’t get caught. If we work together, we’ll come up with a plan that’ll work, but you gotta trust us when we say something’s not right, okay.”

Silence crept into the room while Twilight thought about that. She didn’t like the idea of handing over authority over the plan to Rainbow Dash, but what she said made sense. Neither Dash nor Pinkie were the types to back out of something either, even when they should, so if one of them said a plan was bad, then it probably meant something serious.

After nearly five minutes of analyzing it from every angle, she slowly nodded and said, “Okay.”

“Good.” The smile on Rainbow Dash’s face turned positively evil. “Now let’s finish making those plans.”

Two hours later, Twilight handed Spike a letter and told him to send it to Celestia.

Author's Note

Thanks to Acid Wire for looking through the chapter for me.

Chapter 10 (She Has to Pee)

Princesses Don't Potty

Chapter 10

By CDRW

The hour was five o’clock, and all was unwell.

Princess Celestia, immortal alicorn, former wielder of the Elements of Harmony, Diarch of Equestria, and all-around very smart pony, was sitting on her bathroom floor, staring at the toilet while she tried to talk her bladder into submission.

It was not going well.

The darn thing just wouldn’t listen to anything she said! Not only that, it was firing back with some surprisingly salient points of its own. She didn’t know that Luna had done anything to the toilet, and Twilight probably hadn’t had the chance to sneak in either.

Try as she might, Celestia couldn’t come up with an adequate response to that argument. All she had was a gut feeling, experience which said that Luna was evil that way, and the firm conviction that it was never wise to underestimate Twilight on a research bender.

She cast a sidelong glance at her shower. I guess I could always go in there. I already used it so I know Luna didn’t do anything to it.

Of course, that still left Twilight. Celestia knew her student, and she knew that she was thorough. Twilight Sparkle was the sort of pony who would cast a spell to log anything that fell into the toilet bowl, determine its precise composition, track exactly when the toilet was flushed, and throw in a backup copy of each enchantment on the pipes that the toilet fed into. Then she would layer so many anti-detection spells on top that nobody would notice the auras even if the spells were being powered by the freaking Elements of Harmony. The shower was so ludicrously obvious that it would be both insulting and asinine to assume Twilight was going to overlook it.

Besides, she was a princess and peeing in the shower was gross.

Celestia eyed the gleaming porcelain bowl and shifted uncomfortably. She had lived a long and full life, and over time she had learned that the saying “you learn something new everyday” was still as true for her as it was for any newborn foal. For example, she’d learned that even her kitchen staff didn’t know where Luna was (or else they were taking bribes), she’d learned that the griffon ambassador had a thing for zebra mares in leather, and most importantly of all, she’d learned that marble tiles were cold enough to numb your backside if you sat on them for too long.

It was in the middle of such philosophical ponderings that a burst of green flame flew into the room and deposited a scroll right in front of her.

Celestia knew what it was. She didn’t have to read it. After countless centuries on the throne she’d developed a sixth sense for these things. Nevertheless, she unfurled the scroll and read it anyway.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that trials and tribulations can bring out the most unexpected qualities in your friends. When needed, the random and silly can sometimes offer up words of wisdom, and the brash and bold can bring much needed self-control and responsibility to the table. I also learned once again that true friends stand by each other no matter what.

Sincerely,

Twilight Sparkle

PS: I’m going to be coming to Canterlot soon for a research project. I was hoping that I could stop by for tea while I’m there, if you have the time of course.

Celestia bit her lip. This was it. Twilight may or may not have performed covert operations in the bathroom yet, but as of this moment, it had begun. The instant the princess left this room, it was officially… Officially… Locus non grata? Cubiculum non grata?

Heavens, am I really that out of practice?

Language aside, this was her last chance. No matter how she answered Twilight’s letter—and she truly had no idea how she would—there was no stopping or turning back. The battle had begun. Celestia cast a forlorn look at the toilet and then the shower while her bladder made one last plea for mercy.

Discretion was the better part of valor though, and thus it was with a deep sigh of regret that she stood up and left. She needed to set the sun soon anyway, and since Luna was playing hooky she’d probably have to raise the moon as well.

For all her discomfort there was still at least one consolation, a silver lining of sorts, if a very small one. She could lower the sun from her bedroom balcony.

Princess Celestia really didn’t want to have to deal with her guards studiously averting their eyes from the checkerboard pattern that the floor tiles had left on her butt.

***

For some reason, Fluttershy hadn’t been able to shake Luna’s comments out of her head all day. They’d stuck with her while she gave Harry the bear a bath, practiced with the bird choir, went grocery shopping, and while she helped the veterinarian perform an emergency craniotomy on a rattlesnake suffering from an intracranial hematoma.

She’d held the surgical tools. And the towel.

Specialization is for insects!

On the one hoof, it was a bit racist to say things like that. Changelings probably had to learn all sorts of stuff in order to replace someone and drain their lover of emotion until they were an empty shell of a pony without getting caught. It wasn’t like they could just not show up to work after taking over somepony’s life.

A pony is more than just her cutie mark though, more than a specialist who only has one thing to offer to the world. If your special talent doesn't lend itself easily to one job then that is all the better, for it motivates you to do more with yourself than you would have otherwise.

On the other hoof, she’d never thought anypony, let alone princess Luna, would look at her career and praise it. Why on earth would anypony think the mare who did the occasional odd job around town was worthwhile? Well, aside from her friends, but that wasn’t really because of work anyway.

The idea alone left Fluttershy feeling a bit overwhelmed, but it also felt… nice. She really had done quite a lot of different jobs over the years. Most of them were animal related, but there was still the stuff she helped Rarity with. Maybe she could learn something else too.

She should probably start small though, learn something that she was already a little bit familiar with. That was why she found herself on Rarity’s doorstep just as the sun was touching the horizon, ready to ask if she could maybe learn how to work with some gems if it wasn't too much trouble.

Fluttershy raised her hoof and knocked one tiny little knock, and then the door was flung open and she found herself face-to-face with a rabid Rarity.

“Where is she!”

Fluttershy probably would have said “I don’t know,” or asked “Who is ‘she’?”, but she was too busy having a heart-attack.

“When I get my hooves on her I’m going to wring her… Oh, hello Fluttershy.”

Fluttershy would have said “Hello,” but she was still too busy having a heart-attack.

“Oh dear, I scared you didn’t I? I’m terribly sorry about that, I haven’t been in the, erm… most coherent of moods today, and when I heard a knock on the door… I’m so sorry. Come in, I’ll make you some tea. Celestia knows I could use it myself.”

With an apologetic look, Rarity ushered a flustered Fluttershy into the boutique and closed the door with a tense sort of cautiousness, almost as if she thought she was going to break it if she weren’t careful.

The interior of the boutique was an absolute mess. Fluttershy knew that Rarity sometimes let her fastidious cleanliness slip when inspiration or a deadline struck—one was often as good as the other as far as the fashionista went—but this was something altogether new. The floor was strewn with bolts of fabric, the ponnequinns layered with half-finished outfits, and every available nook, cranny, and trashbin piled high with scraps, rags, and shredded dresses.

The thing that struck Fluttershy most was how the scraps in the trashbins were every color under the sun, but nearly every other piece of fabric in the room was pink. There was hot pink, lavender pink, magenta, rose pink, ultra pink, fuschia, and several other shades that she didn’t recognize. It was all a bit overwhelming, to be honest.

“I am so sorry about the mess.” Rarity said absently as the two of them picked their way through the boutique. “I’m in the middle of re-doing my fall line, and my winter line, and my spring line, and every line, and I just haven’t had the time to tidy up. Fashion is fickle, and it seems that the fates have decided everything I make from now on must be pink.”

“Oh,” Fluttershy said, not sure what else she could do. “Um. I’m sorry.”

Rarity’s response was worryingly upbeat.

“Oh, not to worry dear. It’s not your fault.” She levitated a newspaper that had been lying on an endtable to hover in front of Fluttershy’s face. “See?”

The front page headline read “Eternal Pink: It’s All Luna’s Fault!”

“That’s, um…” Fluttershy searched for a word, any word. “...nice?”

It was a bad word.

Rarity halted in the kitchen doorway. She didn’t move, didn’t turn to look back at Fluttershy. The only indication that she hadn’t suddenly turned into a statue was a little flick of her ear; one, two, three times.

Ten excruciating seconds later, Rarity continued on, speaking with that same strangely upbeat tone. “Yes, it is nice to keep up with the news. It is nice to know that princess Celestia, the immortal, unchanging ruler of Equestria suddenly decided to re-do her mane and coat into a style and color that only fits with two seasons. It is nice to know that princess Luna is the one who did the deed. It would be even nicer if I knew why either princess decided that it was… nice to make the change, and it would certainly be nice to know where princess Luna had run off to so that I could let her know how exceedingly nice I’m feeling.”

“Oh,” Fluttershy said while privately wondering if she should ask Luna to hide somewhere else. Celestia was scary enough, Rarity was… yeah. “You sound upset.”

Rarity looked over her shoulder and gave Fluttershy a pleasant, if somewhat too wide smile. “I am cheerfully contemplating regicide. Which regent, I’m not even sure. Celestia, Luna, it’s all the same, really. Maybe even Cadance! I always thought she was just a tad too pink anyway. So garish, and it’s difficult to find anything that matches.”

Fluttershy frowned at that. “I know you’re upset, but you still shouldn't say those kinds of things.”

And just like that, Rarity’s expression crumpled. The smile slipped away, leaving her looking like she was on the verge of breaking down into tears. She let her head droop low and said “Yeah,” then continued into the kitchen.

That, more than anything else that had happened tonight left Fluttershy scared. Rarity wasn’t a subdued pony. When she was upset, she ranted, she raved, she sobbed inconsolably.

Now that she was looking, Fluttershy could see all the little signs she’d missed before, how Rarity’s ears never stood straight up, her posture wasn’t as courtly as usual, and her mane and tail weren’t quite perfect. Rarity was exhausted.

She didn’t look it, didn’t even really act it as she busied herself pulling out the teapot, boiling the water, and preparing the cups, but it was still there.

At Rarity’s bidding, Fluttershy took a seat. She felt bad about leaving her friend to make the tea without even protesting, but it was probably for the best this way. Rarity could be every bit as stubborn and prideful as Applejack or Rainbow Dash, and sensitive as herself and Twilight. When Rarity was stressed, she made it a point to be extra generous, and Fluttershy had a hunch that refusing would just make things worse. If anything, the simple act of catering to a guest would probably help her more than anything else.

“Would you like any sugar in your tea, dear?” Rarity asked as she placed saucers, tea, and some little cookies to go with on the table.

“Oh, yes please. Thank you.” There was a moment’s silence as they both sipped the hot drinks, and then Fluttershy asked the question she'd been wondering about since she came inside. “How long have you been working?”

Rarity tapped her chin as she stared off into space. “Since I saw the paper this morning. That must have been around seven or eight. It’s what, quarter to six? So… nearly eleven hours now? Goodness, has it been that long? I don’t even have a single outfit done yet… I suppose I won’t be getting much sleep tonight.”

“That’s… not very healthy,” Fluttershy ventured.

Rarity shook her head wearily, not even bothering to try and hide it anymore.

“Perhaps not, but I must persevere anyhow. The life of a fashionista is a difficult one, and I woke up this morning to find out that everything I have in stock had been rendered obsolete overnight. Quite literally. I have to redesign everything, and fast, or else I stand to lose a lot in terms of customers and opportunity.”

She frowned into her teacup. “That is not going as well as I would like.”

Fluttershy glanced back at the doorway to Rarity’s messy design area.

“But," Rarity slumped down in her chair. "That shouldn’t matter. I’m better than this. I know it is a little pathetic to get upset about something as small as the princess changing her style, but this is my job. It is my special talent and my passion.”

The next words were so small that Fluttershy could almost believe they came from herself.

“And now I have nothing to work with.”

“I don’t think that at all,” Fluttershy said as emphatically as she knew how. “You want to follow your special talent and that’s wonderful.”

Rarity gave her a small, wavery, but real smile. “Thank you dear.”

Fluttershy ducked her head and blushed. “You’re welcome… but, um…”

There was a tiny clink of ceramic as Rarity set her teacup down on her saucer and looked at her quizzically. “But what?”

“Well, what about Princess Luna?”

“I’m not quite sure what you’re getting at, Fluttershy.”

“Does everything you make have to be… inspired by princess Celestia? I guess Luna isn’t as popular as her because it’s always night time when she comes out, and because she was really scary when she came back to Equestria, but she’s doing a lot better since Nightmare Night. Does everything you make have to be pink just because Celestia is?”

Rarity sighed. “I wish it were as simple as a popularity contest. Normally I would be thrilled to base an outfit or three off of Luna, being different will get you a long way in fashion. But… How do I say this? Right now, as far as everyone is concerned, pink has been endorsed by both princesses. Celestia is pink, and Luna chose pink. Unless something drastic happens, the entire fashion industry is going to lock onto that color and only that color for a long, long time. The only ponies who choose anything else will be the far end of the counterculture crowd, and perhaps it's rude to say, but that sort of thing has never been my style.

“So yes, everything I make has to be pink, and therein lies my problem. It turns out that pink, pink, and only pink is a rather limiting palette, and I am finding myself quite uninspired. I can’t even incorporate other colors, because very little beyond white and black actually works as a suitable accent for pink."

Rarity pursed her lips as a thoughtful expression stole over her face. “Although, now that I think about it, yellow could work. Celestia’s cutie-mark is yellow and… Perhaps blue as well if I’m careful, for Luna. I already know it can work. That crystal heart does wonders for Cadance’s rump. I think I could do a pink princess line with this. Hmm... It's not the best idea I’ve ever had, but I think I have a place to start now.”

There was a sudden flurry of movement as Rarity cleared off the table and began ushering Fluttershy towards the door.

“I’m terribly sorry, but I’ll have to cut our little chat short. Inspiration is a limited resource these days, and I must strike while the iron is hot, so to speak. Thank you though, you have no idea how much you have helped me tonight.”

“But—” Fluttershy’s weak protest was cut off when a bolt of fabric nearly clobbered her upside the head as it whizzed towards one of the ponnequins. An instant later, the whole boutique was a whirlwind of cloth, tape measures, scissors, and needles. Then, before she knew it, she was outside, reeling as the door shut behind her.

Fluttershy stood there on the doorstep for a long time, trying to figure out what had just happened. Then she stood there for another long time as she tried to figure out what to do about it. After a little while, she finally came to a conclusion. She still didn’t know exactly what she should do, but one thing was clear. She and Luna needed to have a talk.

***

Celestia couldn’t sleep. The night was young and she had only just climbed into bed, but she already knew beyond a doubt that sleep was not for her.

She had to pee.

She wouldn’t sleep. If she slept, her body would take over.

And if she wet the bed… Bad things would happen, and then she would feel bad.

It was all such a simple problem too. Knowingly or not, Twilight had challenged Celestia to a battle of wits. She wanted to know if Celestia had to pee—feathery flying horseapples she had to pee so bad—and Celestia wanted to make sure Twilight never ever, ever got her answer. Two mares, one crazy and curious, the other neither.

All Celestia had to do was convince Twilight that she didn’t pee, and then she could pee. As simple as that. Prove, beyond any doubt, to the most intelligently obsessive mare in Equestria no less, that she had never and would never perform the single most essential biological function there was.

By Tirek’s horseshoes, she'd give up breathing it meant she could safely empty her bladder.

My kingdom for a throne.

Celestia cast her blanket aside and rose from her bed. If she wasn’t going to sleep, she could at least still make herself useful. With a few quick steps, she crossed the room and seated herself at a heavy desk set against the wall.

It was a fine desk, plain, technically an antique, and hoofcrafted by none other than herself during her hobbyist carpenter days. Wasting no time, Celestia opened the top drawer and pulled out a sheet of paper, a quill, a bottle of ink, and some blotting paper.

There was one option available to her. In truth, it had struck her as soon as she’d read Twilight’s letter, but she cast it aside because she preferred not being reckless and stupid. That was more Luna’s thing. It was a horrible option anyway, a risk that she couldn’t afford to take, but—in the absence of anything better coming to light—one that she was beginning to think she needed to take anyway.

All this maneuvering and plotting and spying, it was really just like politics in the end anyway. Celestia knew politics. It was a game she was intimately familiar with. Above all else, she needed to be bold, decisive, and unexpected. She needed to throw Twilight off her plan…

No, she needed to beat Twilight’s plan, and that was what had her scared. This wasn’t going to be as easy as dealing with the griffon ambassador. Twilight was really good at planning.

If she was going to win this, she needed to make Twilight think that the plan had gone off without a hitch. And try as she might to think of something else, the only way that sprung to mind was to walk right into the trap.

She needed to invite Twilight over for tea.

After a moment’s thought, she put pen to paper and began to write.

Dear Twilight,

It makes me more than glad to hear from you, and to know that your friendships are still growing. I am also heartened to know that you have avoided the trap that so many other ponies fall into, the belief that once you have learned a lesson about friendship, there is no point in learning it again somewhere down the road.

Tea sounds lovely as well. I had not heard that you were starting on a new research project, and I’d very much like to know more about it. It has been far too long since we have been able to have a casual chat anyway, and I confess I’ve missed your company. Can you come by tomorrow afternoon? I have an hour free starting at two o’clock…

A few minutes later, Celestia signed her letter with a flourish, blotted away the excess ink, read it once over, rolled it up, stamped it with her seal, and then sent it to Spike via magical flame. When that was done, she pulled out another sheet of paper and began drafting up a checklist.

Celestia allowed herself a thin smile as the skritch skritch of her pen and the quiet rustle of paper sang out into the silent bedroom. Twilight wasn’t the only mare in the world who was good at planning, and while she might have set the rules for the game and made the first move, Celestia owned the arena.

I accept your challenge, my faithful student.

***

Pinkie Pie stopped what she was doing, which caused some consternation because what she was doing was helping Mr. Cake carry a new oven into the bakery.

“What is it, Pinkie?” he asked.

“The doozy just happened.”

The stallion turned pale and nearly dropped his end of the appliance as began to hyperventilate. “A doozy? What doozy? What is it? What happened?”

Pinkie Pie frowned.

“I don’t know.”

Author's Note

Well, I made my goal for one week. I honestly wasn't sure I would, because I've got some family stuff going on that's pretty much killed my motivation. I'm glad I did it though, because I made a promise to both you guys and myself, and sticking to it has actually been a big help in keeping me going this week.

Special thanks to Caliaponia, Jeff, and Giant Hat for looking through the draft for me. I've made some small but substantial changes to Fluttershy's and Celestia's second scene since the earlier version that most of you saw, so it's probably worth your time to skim over them if you want to understand what's going on next chapter.

Chapter 11 (Railroading)

Princesses Don't Potty

Chapter 11

By CDRW

“So, dearest Fluttershy, may I ask thee why thou hast seen fit to force”—the tall, dark, and hooded pony glanced sidelong at her companion—“um, encourage Us to board a train and embark on a journey to Canterlot, a city in which, I feel I should remind you, a fate awaits us—the two of us, you and me—that could most accurately be described as ‘fire and brimstone’?”

Fluttershy cringed down into her seat. “Um…” Her eyes darted back and forth as she tried to find a way to tell Princess Luna without upsetting or frightening her any more than she already was. “Well, that is…” Unfortunately, the carpet and upholstery offered her no answers. “No?”

Luna stared at her for a long, uncomfortable moment, then finally said, “I am unsure whether to compliment your courage or censure your audacity. Can you at least tell me that you are not planning something foolhardy, such as an attempt to trick me into entering the palace and meeting with Celestia?”

“Oh no,” Fluttershy said as emphatically as she could. “I wouldn’t do that after I promised.”

Luna nodded once. “Very well, then. I count you as a friend, and shall trust you.”

“Though, um… about that...”

Fluttershy's whole body began to quiver like a leaf caught in the wind as Luna turned to look at her again.

“I, um… I, think you should do that too, while we’re in Canterlot.”

“No. Absolutely not,” Luna said bluntly.

“I…” Fluttershy ducked her head and squeezed her eyes shut. Her heart was beating so hard that it actually hurt, and she could feel Luna’s gaze burning into her skin. She needed to say what came next, though, no matter how scared she was.

“It’s just that… Isn’t that kind of thing, um, not talking… not talking things out with each other… Isn’t that why you… why you… um… became Nightmare Moon?”

Fluttershy’s voice was scarcely a whisper by the end, but she knew that Luna had heard her. She could tell by the empty silence crashing down around them, only broken by a sound that might have been the plip of a tear falling to the floor, or their friendship shattering to pieces.

At long last, Luna spoke in a fuzzy voice that Fluttershy recognized as coming from somepony who had lots of practice trying not to cry. “That was cruel.”

Fluttershy opened her eyes and looked up at Luna, the sight blurred by tears in her eyes. The princess was looking the other way.

“I’m so sorry!” she blurted out.

“However, you are correct,” Luna continued as if she hadn’t heard. “I have only just repaired my relationship with my sister, and it would be… foolish to harm it again with something so petty as a misthought joke. I shall heed your advice and speak with Celestia after we complete this errand of yours.”

Fluttershy reached out and hugged Luna. She wasn't sure if she was allowed to hug a princess, but Luna needed one so she gave it anyway.

Author's Note

Thanks to YamiVizziniX for looking over the chapter.

Chapter 1 (Princesses Don't Drink)

Princesses Don't Potty

Chapter 1

By CDRW

"Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!"

Rainbow Dash pounded her hooves on the table, punctuating each shout with a bang while she cheered Luna on. Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and even a thoroughly uncomfortable Twilight looked on in amazement while Princess Luna downed an entire five-gallon cask of hard cider in less than a minute.

Celestia tried her best to pretend that Luna wasn't there, choosing to daintily nurse her mug of non-alcoholic cider instead of saying anything. The stuff tasted better anyway.

Luna wiped the foam from her mouth with a foreleg, loosed a belch that rattled all the windows in Applejack’s home, and smashed the cask on the floor shouting, "'TIS GOOD! BRING US ANOTHER!"

All the onlooking ponies dropped their jaws in unison. Even Celestia coughed into her mug before she set it down and said, "Don't you think you've had enough, Luna?"

"Yeah, you already showed me up. You won the bet," Rainbow Dash chimed in, digging into the saddlebags on the bench next to her. She pulled out ten bits and promptly hoofed them over to the dark princess. "Totally worth the bits too."

"NONSENSE!" Luna swayed slightly as she stood up and put her hooves on the table. "WHEN THOU PROPOSED THAT WAGER, THOU INSINUATED THAT WE COULD NOT HOLD OUR LIQUOR, AND WE AIM TO SHOW THEE THE—THE TRUE EXTENT OF THINE ERROR! THOU HAST NOT EVEN BEGUN TO WITNESS OUR DRINKING PROWESS!" She hiccupped, blinked, and then, after a moment's hesitation, belted out "FORSOOTH!"

Celestia very nearly facehoofed right in front of her little ponies, but she checked herself just in time. Instead, the Princess caught Twilight's eye and mouthed "I'm so sorry about this." Her apology didn't seem to do any good, though. Instead of calming Twilight down, it only seemed to make her already uncomfortable student that much more agitated.

"I'm awful sorry, Your Highness," Applejack said to Luna. "But that was all the hard cider we had anyway."

Luna blinked once. "The cider is gone?"

"I'm afraid so, Princess."

"Why is the cider gone?"

Even Celestia's masterful self-control was not enough to stop a sigh from slipping out. As soon as Luna proposed coming to sample the cider, Celestia had known that it wouldn't turn out well. Luna had plied her with a rather convincing speech about finally getting Twilight and her friends to loosen up a little around them though, and before she knew it, she'd found herself making an unannounced visit to Sweet Apple Acres at the tail end of cider season.

"Dear Sister, language isn't the only thing that's changed in the last thousand years. Nopony approves of boozing it up these days. That cask was probably all the alcohol in Ponyville. Regardless, you have had enough, and I think we should leave before we make my student and her friends any more uncomfortable."

"What? Nopony approves? Nopony approves? Nopony approves? WHAT IN THE UNEXPLORED DEPTHS OF TARTARUS'SUSUSUS OCEANS CONVINCED ALL THE PONIES IN EQUESTRIA TO TURN INTO TEETOTALERS?"

Everypony’s eyes turned to Celestia for her answer, wanting to know where this was going.

"I'm afraid that was me, Luna. It's a rather unhealthy hobby."

The eyes of all the ponies in the room swung back to Luna as her jaw dropped in astonishment.

"You?"

Celestia simply nodded her affirmation.

"You... you just decided that everypony should give up the best invention since fire? And they went along with it?"

“It took considerably more effort than what you make it sound like, but yes. It is amazing what you can accomplish with a thousand years of concerted effort.”

“But they listened to you? The pony who wagered the fate of all of Equestria on a drinking contest with Ti—"

"LUNARIUS DIANE FAUSTINA IF YOU FINISH THAT SENTENCE YOU WILL BE DINING ON MOONDUST FOR THE NEXT TEN THOUSAND YEARS!"

Before she even realized she’d moved, Celestia found herself standing with her front hooves on the table right across from Luna, her chest heaving up and down. She looked around apprehensively to see how the other ponies were taking her outburst. When she noticed that Fluttershy was hiding under the table and Twilight had fallen off the bench, she sat back down and buried her face in her mug as a raging heat bloomed in her face.

“Ah, still a touchy subject we see,” Luna commented. “Though we do not understand why! 'TWAS A GLORIOUS VICTORY!”

Celestia murmured into her mug low enough that she hoped nopony else could hear. “Straight to the moon, Luna. I swear, straight to the moon.”

“Fear not, dear sister of mine! We will not embarrass thee any further with tales of thy former glory, for thou art boring! And ugly! We would much rather talk about other ponies who aren’t! Like Fluttershy!”

A muffled “eep” leaked out from under the table.

“THERE IS NO NEED TO HIDE FROM US FAIR FLUTTERSHY, FOR WE HAVE NOTHING BUT ADMIRATION FOR THEE! THOU ART KIND! AND HAVE EXCELLENT CHILDBEARING HIPS!”

Luna put the back of her hoof to her forehead and swooned.

“ALAS! IT WAS NOT MEANT TO BE. WE REMEMBER THE LAWS, FOR WE WROTE THEM OURSELF! VERILY, VERILY, I SAY UNTO THEE, WHOSOEVER LIETH DOWN WITH ANOTHER MARE AS SHE WOULD A STALLION SHALL BE... Shall be... Uhh... SHALL BE GELDED!”

Luna’s horn glowed, and a flailing Fluttershy floated out from under the table and into her crushing embrace.

“Fear not, fair Fluttershy,” she whispered as softly as the Royal Canterlot Voice would allow. “We will not let them geld you! YOU HEAR THAT, SISTER? WE WILL NOT LET YOU GELD ONE HAIR ON HER HEAD!”

That was enough. Celestia stood up.

Luna jumped in surprise at the sudden movement, dropping the now comatose Fluttershy.

With a barely contained snarl, Celestia declared, “We are leaving, Luna. Now!” Then she grabbed Luna’s ear with her magic and started dragging her to the door.

“FAREWELL, MY LITTLE PONIES! WE ARE OFF TO CANTERLOT WHERE A MOST SPLENDID LAVATORY AWAITS US AND WHICH WE MOST HAPPILY ANTICIPATE VISITING, FOR WE MUST SOON TAKE A ROYAL WHIZZ OR ELSE PERISH!”

“SHUT UP, LUNA! AND DON’T USE THE ROYAL WE WHEN YOU SAY THINGS LIKE THAT!”

The last the assembled ponies saw of the princesses that night was Luna waving at them right before the door slammed shut behind her.

The last thing they heard was Luna’s voice, not in the least muffled by the door.

“HA HA! IT MATTERETH NOT HOW HARD THOU SLAPPEST OUR FACE! FOR WE ARE DRUNK AND CANNOT FEEL PAIN!"

***

The deep recesses of Twilight’s mind were not in good shape. In fact, if anypony could have seen what was going on, they probably would have gone running to find an exorcist post-haste. Or an engineer.

Her friends were doing something, and they were doing it loudly, but she couldn’t spare one iota of her brainpower to comprehend how they were reacting to what they had just seen. She was too busy trying to keep the various parts of her psyche from crumbling to dust while she pondered what she’d just seen: Princess Celestia losing her cool.

And Princess Luna drunk as a skunk, but that emotional trauma could wait a bit while she dealt with the more important stuff.

Princess Celestia was embarrassed by her sister!

It was a revolutionary thought, a thought that should not have been thought by the mind of a mere mortal like Twilight Sparkle. The fact that that thought did not instantly drive her insane would have been considered proof of a higher, benevolent power by many ponies had they known.

The very foundation of Twilight’s world had just shifted. If Princess Celestia could be embarrassed about her sister like any other pony, what else did that mean? Did she hate getting up in the mornings? Or worry about her weight? Did she ever have to look up words in the dictionary?

Rusted gears started to turn. Ancient mechanisms that had long lay dormant began to stir. Twilight was already on the edge; the stress of these new movements nearly tore her mind apart and the fact that she held it together was a miracle in and of itself. That is why what happened next was Rainbow Dash’s fault.

“A royal whizz!”

The first words to pierce Twilight’s veil of thoughts were accompanied by the uncontrolled laughter of a certain cerulean pony.

“Can you believe it? Princess Luna was right here, in this very room, making puns about using the bathroom!”

No.

The thought was not an answer to Rainbow Dash’s question, but rather, an order to herself. She was on the verge of having a thought. A thought to end all thoughts. A thought that, once thunk, could never be un-thought. She could not think that thought, no matter what. It was her duty, as a bearer of the Element of Magic, as a student, as a pony.

“Canterlot is a long way away. You think she’s gonna make it in time?” Pinkie Pie asked.

Every fiber of her being cried out in protest, trying to arrest the thought before it could manifest. She knew. She knew that if she tried really hard, she could forget what had happened there tonight, but if that thought manifested she could never turn back. Down that path lay madness.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen Celestia excuse herself to use the bathroom.

A sound, not unlike a sheet of glass as large as the world itself cracking and crumbling into quadrillions of shards tore through her mind as the deepest, darkest gear in her psyche turned a hair’s breadth.

Twilight Sparkle screamed.

Chapter 3 (Well Meaning Correspondance)

Princesses Don't Potty

Chapter 3

By CDRW

From the desk of Princess Luna:

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

My sister informs me that I owe you and your friends an apology for my behavior last night. I cannot verify the truth of that claim because I do not remember said events very clearly, but the magnitude of my headache lends credence to her assertion.

Thus, I offer my apology. I am sorry.

I am sorry for consuming the entire alcohol stash of Sweet Apple Acres on a bet. I am sorry for embarrassing everypony. I am sorry for making jokes about disgusting bodily functions, which we, as immortal alicorns, don't have anyway.*

On a related note, my legal counsel Fine Print informs me that some of my alleged actions last night would fall under the headings of "sexual harassment" and "veiled fat jokes", both of which are punishable by stiff fines and possible jail time. Thus, I ask that if Fluttershy is not currently present while you read this letter, you pass it on to her when you are done.

Fluttershy, if I did in fact say that you "have excellent childbearing hips," it was not meant in any way to imply that you have a large posterior. It is a compliment that I fear has lost some meaning during the time I was away from Equestria. It simply means that you are built to have babies. I would like to point out, though, that in my day a little extra padding around the rump was considered extremely attractive. I still do not understand this age's obsession with ponies who look like they've seen the ugly end of a ten-year famine.

Since I refuse to start this letter over because I just want to go back to bed and sleep until my headache disappears, my sister insists that I mention I am still not fully acquainted with modern social mores and please don't sue. It would do you no good to sue anyway, as Parliament has not deemed it fit to grant me a royal allowance yet. They seem to think that I would just spend it on frivolous things like socks or giant spiders stuffed with pillow material. For some reason, they don't believe me when I tell them that I would purchase no more than one of each per week.

Also in regards to the issue of what I may or may not have said to Fluttershy, it has come to my attention that the laws to which I allegedly referred (the ones forbidding ponies of the same sex from entering into romantic relationships) were apparently repealed quite some time ago. Thus you are free to pursue a relationship with me if you should so desire without any fear of being gelded.

Also, it is physically impossible to geld a mare, something that an animal caretaker such as you probably already knows, but which the doctor who is currently treating my hangover feels I should mention anyway. He seems to feel that I do not have a very sound grasp on the basic concepts of biology, probably stemming from my earlier remarks about immortal alicorns not needing to go to the bathroom. I fear that I shall never be able to disabuse him of that notion, since he was not present for the conversation that led to the creation of that part of my letter.

In conclusion, I am sorry for my conduct last night. It was inappropriate and unbefitting of a princess. I have learned my lesson about consuming large quantities of alcohol, and the severity of my headache is more than sufficient to make me swear it off altogether.

Your friend and Princess,

Luna

P.S.

Praise Discord, Celly's finally gone to look for some sealing wax, and I can write without her breathing down my neck. I have to be quick about this, so forgive my brevity. Applejack, if my hangover is any indication, that was the best batch of booze I've ever had. Please send me the recipe. Twilight, I need you to send a book that will teach me how to build a still in my room. Thank you everypony for the wonderful night I'm sure we had.

*That part was a complete lie. I am not sorry at all because it sounds like it was hilarious, and Celly's being stupid about it anyway. She's always been a humongous prude and a bit of a loony** when it comes to stuff like that, though you didn't hear it from me. Do you know that I've never once seen her so much as enter an outhouse? That’s how crazy she gets about the subject. If you ask me, she's being a gigantic hypocrite about it too. She's always whining on and on about how she wishes ponies would just treat her like another pony instead of an immortal princess, and then she has me write something like that? In the parlance of today’s youth: that’s totally whack!

**I say that knowing better than anyone else what it means to be “loony.”

***

Twilight re-read the letter.

Twilight re-read the letter again.

Twilight re-read the letter forty-two more times.

Just as she was starting on her forty-sixth reading, she felt a hoof on her shoulder shaking her awake.

"Uh, Twi?" Applejack asked. "You all right? You've been starin' at that there letter for a right long while, and you're startin' to make some ponies a bit nervous."

"Yes," Rarity added. "It was most certainly an... interesting letter, but you seem to be rather more occupied with it than is healthy. Does this have anything to do with you collapsing last night, or that... outburst of yours? You gave us an awful fright, and we'd like to avoid that again if possible."

"Oh!" Twilight's head popped up like a jack-in-the-box. She looked around and realized she was still in the kitchen. Her friends were all still there, and they were all looking at her with very peculiar expressions. That wouldn’t do at all.

With a gulp and a strained smile, Twilight reassured them, "I'm fine! More than fine! I'm great! Thank you for breakfast girls, it was really good. Now if you'll excuse me, I think I have some homework to do. What was it again? Oh yeah! I need to go invent a Unified Theory of Magic! Celestia's counting on me, and I can't let her down you know. I can't waste any time thinking about stuff that doesn't matter and which mortal minds were not meant to comprehend anyway. So if you'll excuse me, I'll be in my laboratory figuring out how to break the universe."

Twilight's right eye twitched as she surveyed the kitchen one more time. Spike was still eating his breakfast, but everypony else was staring at her, everypony except for Fluttershy that is. She was hiding under the table for some reason.

***

One day, one quantum-magical explosion, three gallons of chocolate ice cream, and an intervention later, Twilight was feeling a little better. Not much better, but still better; well enough to discuss the problem with her friends without trying to tear reality from its foundations and wad it up into a little crumpled ball like it was a Scootaloo-written book report on the Tale of Ginger, and that was all she could ask for.

"Now that you've calmed down, Twilight," Rarity said soothingly. "I think it's time you told us what is on your mind that has you so upset."

Pinkie Pie and Applejack nodded along with her from their seat on Twilight's couch. Fluttershy, who was sitting in an armchair by the wall, squeaked. The only pony in the room who wasn’t sitting down was Rainbow Dash, who was flying in slow circles around the ceiling, patrolling in case Twilight tried to bolt again.

Twilight wasn't going to run, though. She'd done enough running. She was through with running. This was the time to do something else. This was the time to cry her little pony heart out on the fainting couch that Rarity had generously lent to her.

"It's all so wroohohoohohooooooong!"

“What is?" Pinkie Pie asked, annoyingly perky despite Twilight's distress. "Did you learn that you failed the Crystal Empire test after all? Or did you remember that Cheerilee still has an overdue book out? Or did you find out that Big Macintosh likes stallions? Or, I know! Was the Hugs boson just a wild goose chase?"

Twilight peered up through bleary eyes at Pinkie Pie—who had suddenly appeared on the couch with her face much too close to Twilight’s—and asked the first question that popped into her mind at the exact same time as a very startled Applejack: "Macintosh likes stallions?"

"Probably not, dear," Rarity said as she levitated Pinkie Pie away from Twilight. "Pinkie Pie is just being herself again, but she is heading in the right direction at least. What is wrong? Surely it can't be anything so terrible that you truly feel you need to—and I quote, "break the universe"?

Twilight sniffled and curled up into the fetal position.

"Does this... does this have to do with what you said about Princess Celestia using the restroom?"

Twilight nodded.

Pinkie Pie tried to hop onto Twilight's couch again, but her movement was hampered by the fact that Rarity still hadn't put her down, so she ended up just flailing helplessly in the air. "Ooooh! I think I get it now!"

"Pinkie," Rainbow Dash sighed as she drifted past. "Can you just let Rarity handle it?" It was too late though, Pinkie Pie's mouth was already up to full speed.

"You're upset because you found out that Celestia is just like normal ponies because she gets embarrassed about her sister and loses her cool and all that stuff, and you were just going to ignore it and move on when Luna made a joke about having to take A ROYAL WHIZZ, and all of a sudden you realized that that meant that Luna used the toilet just like everyone else, and that meant that Celestia used the toilet just like everyone else, and that was the final blow that brought the pedestal you put her on tumbling down, and you were trying to come to grips with the fact that everything you built your life on was a self-inflicted delusion when Luna sent that letter and actually supported your idea that Celestia doesn't use the bathroom, which made your hopes soar like a tortoise being carried by an eagle, only to be dashed upon the rocks of agony when she said that was all a lie, and now you don't know what to think because even though Luna said Celestia does use the bathroom she also said she's never seen Celestia actually go into one so how would she know, maybe Princess Celestia is special and everything she eats is used as fuel to power the sun."

Twilight nodded.

"And you can't get the mental image out of your head."

The ambient temperature in the room dropped low enough that if any scientists had been monitoring, they probably would have discovered a few new and exotic forms of liquid helium.

"Pinkie," Applejack said in a low and urgent voice. "I don't think she had that second problem until you brought it up."

"But don't worry, Twilight! You can fix this problem just like you do everything else!"

And just like that, the temperature was back to a balmy seventy four degrees. For the first time in what felt like years, Twilight felt a little glimmer of real hope. "I can? How?"

Rainbow Dash swooped down next to Rarity and whispered in her ear, "Five bits she says 'party'."

"A lady never bets against a sure thing,” Rarity whispered back.

Pinkie Pie thrust her hoof in the air. "With research!"

Everypony stared at Pinkie Pie dumbfounded.

Pinkie folded her hooves in front of her and glared at Rainbow Dash and Rarity, saying, "I think about more than just parties, you know."

"Ahem," Rarity gave a little cough and gently put her friend down on solid ground. "Sorry."

Twilight sat up on the couch and cast a confused look at her friend. "Research?"

"Yeah, silly! You're a scientist, and when scientists have a question, they don't try to blow up Ponyville. They do research! You can't figure out what it means if Princess Celestia goes to the bathroom if you don't know if she goes to the bathroom!"

"Whoa nelly!" Applejack jumped up and waved her hooves frantically at Pinkie Pie to stop, but she might as well have been trying to stop Big Mac from going after an apple fritter with a piece of string and a prayer.

"I know the perfect book to start with too!" Pinkie cried triumphantly as she dashed to one of the shelves and pulled out a very thin hardcover book, holding it up for them all to see.

On the cover was a picture of a foal, a donkey's hind end, a goose, and an apple. The title read Everyone Potties.

“Hmm.” Twilight tapped her chin as she contemplated the book. “You know, I think you're right, Pinkie. I need to stop freaking out about this and approach it like a scientist. I've already read that book though.” She raised her head to look up at the interior balcony where Spike was taking a midday nap in his basket and called out his name.

After a moment's pause, a scaly purple head poked out over the edge and looked down at her with sleepy eyes. "Yeah, Twilight?"

"Spike, please take a letter."

***

Far away in Canterlot, Princess Celestia was explaining to the wonderful ponies in charge of Equestria's budget why she would not sign a bill doubling the sales tax when a chill ran down her spine as if somepony had just walked over her grave.

***

In another part of Canterlot, a rush of magic and a flash of green dragon fire deposited a scroll on a pillow next to the slumbering Princess Luna.