I stood before my class of new trainees. Most looked over-excited, a few looked pretty uninterested, and there was the one I'd been expecting who was stood at attention.
Right next to me, as though he were in charge.
I recognised him from the morning before the wedding, where he charged about with a trumpet and woke everypony up with his incessant horn-blowing. It was worthy of some irritation that he stood beside me, because I never gave him that role, but he was wearing the classic oversized helmet of the Soldier, and smoking a cigar. He was gazing upon the other recruits, Scorch-Mane and Serrated Edge specifically, with an invisible stare through his M4 helmet. I stood in front of the 'troops' at the range, in the same place I first picked up Flip, my trusty Dhoenix, and began my spiral into becoming a shit fan-character. I was wearing my beloved hat, with the Trophy Belt I put on it, my cowboy boots, and my lovely little coat. And, just to piss off Spitfire, who was stood with a clipboard and watching my lesson, I was wearing aviator shades and a smirk.
"Alright, you lot." I began to pace down the front of the line, silencing them immediately. "What you see before you is an assortment of arms and ammunition. Take one weapon, then get back in line. Go." All the recruits scrambled for weapons, and I noticed one red earth-pony doing as I did. He rolled his eyes, moved over to a Dhoenix, flipped it in idleness, then got back in line with the others. Soldier, meanwhile, despite being in my field of view the whole time, had somehow produced his trusty rocket launcher from nowhere and stood at attention with it, gaze now fixed straight ahead of him. It took a while, but the other recruits shambled back into the line, getting their weapons checked out by other members of the opposite sex. It seemed that this was kind of like the one generation where they were literally like teenagers in that they cared about ass, sex, and rock and roll.
It reminded me of Fluttershy.
Anyway. "Hell, that was shit, but you got there in the end." I groaned, facehoofing with my boot. "Right. Now, before we begin, name your weapon." I got confused looks, and I knew how Fleur felt when she smirked at my group's confusion over the naming and personalisation of our weapons. Without warning, I pointed a hoof to the Soldier. "You! What did you name your weapon?"
"This is MY rocket. This is MY weapon..." he began, staring straight ahead as he performed turns and rather advanced level rifle drill with the launcher. Ponies nearby simply watched this crazy guy flipping an RPG around his hooves. "There are NONE like it, and if you touch it I swear to GOD I will claw my way down your throat and tear out your very SOUL." The blue stallion finished by slamming the end of the launcher onto the stone floor, sending chips of concrete flying. I simply groaned as flecks of rock bounced off the lenses of my sunglasses.
"Right." I muttered. I then pointed to a silver unicorn with a FARMAS levitated beside him. "YOU. PLEASE TELL ME YOU HAVEN'T LINED UP A SPEECH." He cleared his throat, and I mentally prepared for a speech.
"I called my weapon Rat." he said simply. I released a breath I didn't realise I'd been holding, and looked down range.
"Good." I said clearly. "Now, I'm fairly certain you're all in this for the money, yes?" I could see many nods in my glasses reflection, and Soldier shook his head. I ignored him, continuing, "But what you did not consider is that you have to WORK for your money. You'll need to fill in your employer's criteria to the dot if you want maximum pay. For instance, say Lovely Miss Spitfire over there were to get me to kill a stallion, and then leave it to look like a pile of limbs." Spitfire nodded, and pressed a button. Down range, a wooden cut-out of a Royal Guard appeared, before slowly projecting itself into a fake version. 'He' was looking around curiously, as though he were real, and then caught sight of us down the room. He glared at us and raised a spear. The recruits looked ready to shoot him.
"Don't attack, just watch what I do." Using my powers of the Brutal Sniper, I made myself appear next to the guy, whilst floating upside-down. He dropped his spear in surprise. "What's up?!" I asked as Millionaire's Holiday began to play through a small radio. I then dropped onto my face, resulting in a CRITICAL HIT!, before I stood up and stared at him with a small and creepy smile. I then reached behind me, and pulled out the Headless Horsemann's Headtaker with one hoof, and pointed to it with my other. "Now THIS, is a knife." I said matter-of-factly. Then, I warped my face into some incredibly ridiculous manner of GMod-ness, and laughed loudly as I began to chop him up. Repeatedly, I just stuck an endless number of knives into him, until I heard something coming from my right. Nobody should have come down this range. I didn't tell them to. Spy creepin' around.
Quickly, I span, pulled out an Ambassador, and fired off a random shot. I was mostly surprised I hit someone, let alone a CLOAKED, HEAVILY ARMOURED, PROFESSIONAL ROYAL SPY.

"That went well." Spitfire said at the table in the dining hall. Sat around the table were several assassins I knew well, including Six Shot, Rock Roller, Swift Scope, Spitfire, Fleur de Lis, and Slide-Back.
"Yup." I replied, before placing the combat Kukri and small Trowel I had been eating with carefully across the room with a quick throw. I heard someone scream in pain and didn't bother looking. Slide, meanwhile, was looking over to where they hit, and was chuckling.
"You hit another one." he laughed. "How do you know where these guys are?"
"I don't."
"Ahh, cool."
"So how's Luna?" Fleur asked.
"Fine, from what I can tell." I replied. "Just missing me, 's all."
"Don't you visit?"
"Whenever I can. Otherwise, it's 'problem in Ponyville' this, or 'sudden female attention' that. That reminds me, when do mares start going into heat, again?"
"About 10 weeks. I personally lose my shit after 9, but hey-ho..."
"Any of you stallions going to give in, or hide, or what?"
"We're still here, Thunder." Swift groaned.
"Rock will hide." said the Tigerian. "Is not safe in streets when women have lust. Rock hide in bunker. With Dmitri. Is good."
"Me?" Slide chuckled, reclining in his seat. "Probably just gonna fight 'em off. Either that, or hide. I get caught, I still win. I divorced a couple years ago, so I have no issues with rape. And you, Thunder?"
"Luna is too lenient. Not only is she fine with me getting raped, she encourages it. I swear to god, one of these days she'll put a bounty on my head that says 'I'll pay whoever rapes this guy'. But me? I'll just stay in my house, with my bros, once a day, we'll run out and get supplies, and if one of us gets caught, I have paperwork to do. So not fun, but still amusing to watch Sky Wheel getting dragged away into the Town Hall." I closed my eyes and smiled at the mental image of the cyborg being pulled into the building, and the doors slamming as he can be heard alternating between moans and screams. It was a good picture.
"Well, you have me to deal with." Spitfire winked. "Let's say I'm...friendly. I can, ah, help you stay hidden, for a price..."
"Hmm..." I thought. "~~I wonder what's for~~ dinner No: 'm fine, thanks*."

The next afternoon, my train stopped in Ponyville, and I disembarked...
...before being knocked over by a walking pile of books.
"Oh hi, Thunder!" Twilight beamed. "We were just about to head off to Canterlot so I could do a Magic exam."
"We?" I muttered as Twilight picked me up from the floor with magic.
"We're all going." she replied, gesturing to the girls and guys getting onto a carriage at the other end of the platform. "You coming?" I knew where this was leading; Crystal Empire.
"Yeah, sure." I nodded. "I can meet you there, because I can just fly to Canterlot after I get some stuff, but if you want me to go with you on the train...?" A hoof fell on my shoulder.
"Y'know what?" she said with a straight face. "I'll just go. That way, I'm not tempted to rape you by my evil spirits." Twilight then left me, and went into her carriage. The door closed, and after a whistle, the train left me on the platform. I began to head home so I could go get some necessary crystal-related items, like a Mining Light, Equalizer, and other rock-breaking things.
It was going to be the start of a good series 3.

Author's Note

If you've ever seen Father Ted, which is, of course, classic English comedy, you'll get this reference.