The front row wasn't so bad, I suppose.
Weeks after we'd arrived in Ponyville and the house was completed, the carriage had arrived. Nopony, except my friends and I, knew anything about it. Even as I stood next to Solar and Rarity, I knew that there'd be fireworks. Blowing my blue mane from my eyes, I didn't even look interested in the carriage. Instead, my friends and I just looked at it idly.
"Come one, come all!" came a loud female voice.
"Oh shit, not this bitch..." I groaned loudly to Solar.
"Seriously, her?" he sighed. "You got any good insults ready?"
"Aaah, Pulp Fiction." I chuckled back.
"You absolute bastard."
"I know."
The crowd ooh'd and aah'd as fireworks exploded everywhere. On the stage, however, stood a blue unicorn looking very smug: Trixie, or 'That Bitch'. Ponies all around looked in wonder at the mare, as though they'd never seen an explosion. I nudged Rarity.
"Crappy sense of fashion she's got." I chuckled. "Capes? Really?"
"I agree, darling." Rarity replied. "That could do with sorting out." Next, I turned my attention to Twilight. My plan should work.
"Twilight," I whispered. "Would you mind helping me do something to shut this bitch up?"

"I thought you'd never ask, Thunder." she replied. "What is it?"

"...so I challenge you Ponyvillians: anything you can do, I can do better!" Trixie smugly claimed. I looked to my left, tapped Sky on the shoulder, and whispered to him.
"Witty pun. Do a witty pun." I whispered. He nodded, spread his wings, and landed on the stage. The crowd gasped very loudly, and Trixie glared at him.
"Nope." Sky growled loudly.
"Well, well, well," Trixie said rather bemusedly. "It seems we have some NEIGH sayers in the audience!"
"You bet your five dollar ass there are." Sky retorted. "Nopony can beat me in an insult battle. Draw!"
"Very well." Trixie sighed. "May I first ask; are those tiny things what you call 'wings'?" The crowd let out an 'ooooooh!' "Why, I bet even a blind mare could see those are ludicrously small!"
"Really? You think you'll be getting any stallions with that toothpick?" Sky shot back. 'Ooooooooh!'
"I have a toothpick? Your wings must be post-it notes, then." 'OOOOOOOOOOOOHHH!'
"You gonna just take that from her, Sky? Or is the Timberwolf gonna bite back?" Inferno yelled at the green Pegasus.
"Christ, just KISS already!" I shouted, raising a laugh and gaining a pissed off glare from Trixie.
"I'm sorry..." Trixie began to move towards me. "Would you...like to repeat that?"
"Yeah." I retorted. "Christ. Just. Kiss. Already. Clear enough?"
"Ooh, we have a badflank over here." she growled back. Now, I was nearly butting heads with her. "Shall we settle with a duel?"
"Alright." I snorted, pushing her back onto the stage. "Twilight: get the knife."
"No weapons, you foal."
"Aww, thought I should even the odds in your favour and give it to you, make it a fair fight." I laughed, before preparing to charge. "Shall we?"
"Very well." Trixie adopted the same stance. We glared at each other for a moment: azure mare on navy stallion, unicorn on Pegasus, good versus evi-
"OVER HERE, JACKASS!" I yelled. A sudden purple flash from the front row signalled Twilight's part of the plan. A blink of lavender light later and I was behind the unicorn mare, before I gave Trixie a swift kick in the backside. She yelped, flying forward a few feet before landing in a graceful roll. She looked so confused; like cat and laser pointer, except the laser pointer had just booted her up the ass. I saw steaam come from her snout, and she began to charge. Once again, Handsome Thunder Mustang!
"Now ya see me...!" I yelled again, as once more Twilight teleported me across the stage. When the flash disippated, I was just in time to see my opponent fall from the stage. The crowd laughed heartily; this boastful bitch was getting what was coming to her.
"Over here, boasty!" I laughed as I diappeared again. This time, I appeared above the banner over the stage. Trixie looked around below incredibly confused, red faced, and gasping for breath. "What's the matter? Beaten?" I snorted. For ten minutes, this continued, and by the time we were done I had made all of my best 'hey-over-here-no-whoops-lol-you-missed-me' jokes. Trixie, however, looked so tired she probably couldn't even say 'you win'. Finally, I appeared in front of her.
"Aaaah, you done?" I stifled a laugh. Her mane was exceedingly dishevelled, her fur ws matted with sweat, and her neck was drooped severely as Trixie gasped for breath.
"How...did you...do that...?" Trixie panted, looking up at me. I considered making some gaming reference, but that just seemed...immature. Hey, maybe 'Butt Stallion'? (Ha, the pun has been made.)
"Well, I decided not to be a lone wolf. Because, y'know, insane ponies don't do well on their own." I replied, pointing to Twilight. The lavender unicorn shied away, blushing. Suddenly, Trixie found a burst of strength, standing tall and levitating her hat and cape over. She looked as though she had never done all the stuff. "Wait, what? How the hell did you do that?!" I yelled, moving back.
"You may be a trickster, but let's see how you do alone!" Trixie grinned, left eye twitching. I suddenly felt myself...well, floating. Either that, or the floor was all like 'k bai lol'. But no matter what happened, I was floating. "I believe it was 'Thunder Mustang'?" she asked.
"Nnnf...no shit..." I grunted, trying desperately to break the spell.
"Mustang? Let's see what you'd be like as Thunder Mare, hmmm?" She deviously smiled. Lightning began to swirl all around me as a blue sphere of energy crackled about me. I, of course, was clearly being backed up by my friends who trusted me and cherished my MANHOOD! I looked over at the crowd, the girls and my friends up front.
"This won't work!" I shouted to the shocked audience. "The gender change spell has only been known to have a 1 in 1,000,000 chance of working for newbies!" I hope...I need to stop spouting shit. It would be found out soon enough if the spell would work: I hoped it wouldn't.
After a few minutes of what felt like nothing happening, I was lowered to the floor again. I felt the same. I looked back at myself. I looked the same. I turned to my assailant.
"Ha!" came a feminine voice. "It didn't wor-wait, what the fuck? My voice! You bitch, turn this back now! I will hang you by your goddamn entrails! Do it now!" Unfortunately, nopony could hear me over the sound of an entire village's roaring laughter.
This is the most exceedingly shit thing that has happened since Moony.
What was thou saying?
Oh, you are fucking kidding me. Luna? Is that you?
That's Princess Luna to thou, our loyal subject. And yes, we are completely losing it in the Throne Room over thy voice.
Wait, how do you kno-
Our sister has a magical mirror, with it we may see whichever subject we please. So, we chose thou.
Fucking stalker...
Language.
And can I ask, what the hell happened to your talking? Originally, you spoke normally, but now you're like all snobby and shit.
That would be none of thy buisness. We may talk at the Gala in a few month's time, but until then, farewell.
Heh, talk about not taking insults...
It seems you can't take having a mare's voice.
Mm-hmm. You too. You too.

Author's Note

Look, more shit!