I told you to go right

As soon as I got off the train, after a 3-4 hour trip, I realized a shitstorm had reared its ugly head. Parasprites, those little balls of shit with sickeningly rubbish, non-team specific colours, had decided to try to eat Ponyville's food. Rifle still on my back, and hat firmly on my head, I cantered into town to find Twilight before she cast the spell. You know, the one that puts the insects off real food and onto some other shit, like ponies and houses? Yeah, that. Sliding underneath a small swarm that was eating an apple stand, I rolled, sharply got to my hooves, and held course to Town Centre. Then I saw Twilight and the others, all stood with shock at what was going on. Her horn began charging, and I yelled.
"NO! DON'T FUCKING DO IT!" I shouted over panicked cries. "THEY'LL EAT THE TO-"
Too late. The purple wave washed over the town, and one by one, the Parasprites began to freeze in place. A few dropped to the ground near me, so I muttered some intelligible things and stomped on them, before going over to the girls. They seemed satisfied. Twilight smiled, and turned to me.
"Thunder, you're back! Good, now help us herd these Parasprites out of town before the Princess arrives!" Quickly, she turned and started pushing the insects around with magic.
"Twilight..." I began, putting a hoof on her shoulder, "Do you know what you actually just did?"
"Saved the town." she said proudly.
"No, you've fucking destroyed it. You stopped them eating the food, yes, but now they're gonna eat EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING THAT ISN'T FOOD." The purple unicorn froze.
"You mean...?"
"Yes, I know what I mean. Best get to making those instruments for Pinkie."
"How do you know she wants-oh, right." However, just before Twilight could tell the girls what was needed, a scream split the air. Soon, similar yells, smashing sounds, and catastrophic buzzing noises appeared all over town. Mares and stallions ran everywhere, screaming in terror as the Parasite ripped their homes apart.
"Oh SHIT!" Twilight yelled, before breaking away and running. I facehoofed, unslung the rifle, and calmly began to look for my male friends. The girls would hardly be of use. I seemed like Handsome Jack as I trotted casually through the carnage, stopping once to grab a gas canister from a nearby builder's scaffold, all the while whistling as though it were a daily ritual.. That held on my back, I continued my quest. However, it didn't take long to find the other four, minus Ebony for obvious reasons. Fire was pushing them back using the Axe that Ebony had left behind, Solar was desperately magic-zerking and firing blasts faster than an 8-year old online can spew swear words, Inferno and Sky had opted to bring out their weapons from earlier in the year when we faced down Terry and ran off. I picked up the pace, performed a deft front roll, and fired the rifle right into a group of Parasprites. The blast's trajectory lanced at least 40 of them, before slamming into the wall, splintering masonry into the group and crushing hundreds more. But that wouldn't be enough. I waved.
"G'day!" I yelled, running over to the fantastic four, who had holed up near 'Oil Baron's Machine Fuels(!).
"Well, you're back quick." Fire shouted over the buzzing noise. "And what the fuck happened to your eye?!"
"Long story short, I'm a Black Scottish Cyclops, but it's not important! Do you guys think you could cover me whilst I go Engineer with this fuel can?"

"Sure, but don't take too long!" Inferno replied, swiping with his sword. I nodded, and cantered into the machine shop out back, sealed the wooden door, and slammed the gas tank onto the workbench. Next, I removed my hat, and put on the conveniently placed welding mask. I'd done machine work during school years, so I just had to recall what I'd learned. Putting the mask down, and laughing like an Engineer, I picked up the welding torch.

"...wooooowee." I laughed to myself, picking up my new weapon. After 10 minutes of forging, welding, hammering, and painting on terrifying Dragon Faces, I had made a crudely manufactured flamethrower. I also took the liberty of welding the rifle to the bottom, and thus it was awesome and 400% less likely to break my shoulder and/or leg! Perfect! Removing the welding mask, putting on the slouch, and bucking the door down, I saw my friends were quickly being overrun; a spectrum of colours had arisen in front of them. Pulling the brow of my hat down, smirking, and stepping forward, I pumped the trigger. A billowing jet of flame flew out of the nozzle, defoliant coating the area and igniting hundreds upon hundreds of parasprites, their swarm nature being their downfall. Not even seconds had passed, and I had managed to burn down several buildings covered in Parasprites, maim hundreds more, and scar several ponies for life. From my position on my hind legs, I learned from my time playing Pyro on TF2, raised the weapon over my head, and laughed as I shook it up and down. Amid the carnage, 4 figures emerged, coughing and covered in soot.
"Fucking psycho..." Sky coughed, shielding his eyes.
"Mmhmm." I replied.
"Bloody effective though." Inferno noted.
"Yep, it was." Fire added.
"Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go scar some more ponies, terrify our girlfriends, and give the Princess a 'warm' welcome!" Solar laughed. "Then we can get you a fucking gas mask and suit."
"YES!" I laughed. "Let's GOOOOOOO!" Letting out a deafening battle cry, we charged through the intense heat, waving weapons around as we cut through and burned swarms of Parasprites. Ponies just watched as we melted the infestation with no remorse. After a good 20 minutes of cartoonishly bloody violence against a swarm of insects, we had practically killed the species off. Sighing with relief, we sat down in the centre of town, just outside the Hall. We just sat there; none of us bothering to speak.
"Y'know," Inferno broke the silence, "I think we've done a good deed."
Crmple.
"Aside from burning down a few buildings and making Ponyville look like the ending of 'Meet the Pyro'?" I asked.
"You're the Pyro, you tell me." Solar chuckled. "As I was saying, I'm getting you a fucking gas mask."
"Get it before the Gala, mate." Sky said over the sound of charred wood hitting the floor. "He needs something to cover his ugly mug when he goes to the Gala. Don't want Luna to go blind." We shared a laugh at that moment. Just then, hoofsteps were heard.
"What have you guys done?" Twilight groaned.
"Cleansed the Parasite, followed the path, and begun the Great Journey." I answered.
"OO-RAH." added the other guys.
"Well, you got rid of them." Rainbow agreed. "And a large portion of the town."
"Meh. That can be fixed. Fixed quicker than if the swarm had just eaten everything and left, anyway." I replied. The girls came and sat down.
"What about the princess' visit?" Twilight asked.
"Don't ask me." I groaned, clicking my back. "I'm just the Exterminator, here to clean an infestation."
"Can I ask, what the hell is that thing you were using? Why don't you make some of those for the Guards in Canterlot?"
"Because you and Inferno would just find some way to integrate it into your sexcapades." I laughed, before mocking Twilight, "Oh, I didn't know you were this 'hot'." Everypony laughed at that thought.
"Laugh all you want, Thunder, but all of us are in relationships. You're not." Twilight snorted.
"Oh, that reminds me, Ebony's in jail."
"WHAT?" everypony asked simultaneously.
"Prince Blueblood, same guy who took credit from us bringing guns here, had him arrested for 'blasphemy against Princess Celestia'. Celestia took it upon herself to release him from jail, because she's awesome."
"Thought you hated her?" Rarity smirked. "Have you been...spending time with her?"
"Well, yes, because she's been breaking into my mind. Not as much as Luna is, though. Anyway, we just chat when she has 'nothing to do', and whatnot."
"Are you sure that's it?" Rainbow giggled.
"Considering how all 8 of you had an...errm, eightsome, and you girls have most likely had sex before that, shut up. Not to mention I could just burn you guys right now, so...yeah."
"You win, but try explaining this damage to the Princesses." Twilight laughed.
"Easy, I'll just tell her she left the sun out too long, and it burned everything." I replied calmly.
"Really?" came a sudden voice. "Then why do you have a makeshift flamethrower beside you?" I turned my neck to behind me, and came snout-to-knee with Celestia. Slowly, I looked up, and Celestia looked quite bemused, as usual. This time, however, she was wearing reading glasses and had a newspaper levitating folded beside her.
"Sup." I said calmly, standing up.
"Bad brony." she giggled, swatting me over the head with a newspaper. "Though I must say, Blueblood did seem smug everytime a guard walked past with a gun. I wondered why. Now I know, so I should pay the company a visit."
"Where is this coming from?" I asked.
"I heard your whole conversation through an invisibilty spell. Really Twilight? You'd say something like that?" Twilight blushed and giggled.
"Ummm...yes."