I told you to go right

"...so that's how I got into Fancy Pants'...well, pants." Fleur finished, proudly rubbing her hoof against her golden chestplate. "It's also how to get a good disguise; right now he thinks I'm in Crowme for a month to prepare for a fashion show. Any questions?" No hooves raised from around the room, and all 50 of us remained silent. "No? Good. Now, I'll just get the next few points written on the board, and we can begin 'Backstabbing 101'."
Fleur turned around to the black chalkboard, and once again the sound of drooling, perverted stallions was heard. I looked around, and saw the rest of my male classmates with jaws agape, staring lustfully at Fleur's ass. The females in the room, meanwhile, were just facehoofing at their counterparts' perverted minds. They had gotten used to the fact that I'd had enough of mares, and wasn't staring, so just let it slide. But a few weeks before, they looked at me as though I was one of only six humans-turned-ponies in Equestria.
Oh...wait. Yeah. Right.
"You know you guys are perverted as hell, right?" Swift Scope whispered. The sound of mares, and me, murmuring in agreement was just audible.
"Can't wait until she turns out to be, like, a lesbian or something." I chuckled. "The stallions would die masturbating."
"Uh-huh." Six Shot replied, bumping a hoof against my shoulder. "Then we mares'd be all yours." I raised a hoof to dismiss the giggles.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Once you've done it with a goddess, you've done it all. Back on topic, Fleur can't do much to surprise us. The only thing that's genuinely terrifying about her is the fact that she mutilated those guards to get that armour." I shuddered. "That poor Corporal..."
"Gentlecolts," Fleur called from the front, not taking her eyes off the board and pleasant expression not leaving her face, "Keep staring at my ass and I swear to Faust I'll sew your eyes to your own asses." Every single stallion immediately sat up, and began whistling casually whilst sweating. A lot. The mares and I, meanwhile, were laughing at that mental image. "You too, Thunder." she added.
"Why me? I wasn't staring!" I shot back. Then Fleur pulled out a Dhoenix, and pointed it at my face.
"Why not?" she asked with a carnivorous grin. "Why would you not be staring?"
"Because I'm not interested." I replied, idly flipping Flip with my hoof. "And besides, I hope you realise that I happen to know that weapon isn't loaded." Fleur rolled her eyes.
"Not with bullets, anyway." she smirked. "Nice try, though."
Clik.
Clikclikclik.
Fleur looked surprised, lowering her weapon and looking at it as though it were broken. Everypony else had jaws agape at the standoff, but chuckling, I reached into my bag, and removed all three of Fleur's personalized magazines. Each golden, highly ornate container was loaded with 7 stun darts. Fleur looked at her pistol, then at the magazines in my hoof, and grinned.
"I know where you keep your gun." I said calmly, shaking the magazine slightly, much to the amusement of everypony else.
"Well played." Fleur smirked. "That's rather promising to see, actually."
"My appreciation, ma'am." I replied, before throwing the magazines back to her. She caught them, stuffed them into a hidden compartment in her armour, and nodded.

"After that rather promising start," she began, gesturing to the chalkboard. "We'll now be moving onto the art of backstabbing."

Just as Six and I had begun to get the hang of twirling a butterfly knife around, the door to our quarters swung violently open. Stood on the other side of the doorway was a dishevelled looking Swift Scope. Immediately, Six and I flicked our knives closed, and put them away.
"Swift?" I asked, approaching the mare. "What's going o-"
"No time to explain!" she panted. "Everypony's been ordered to head to the main chambers, there's something big coming up!" Six pushed past, and instantly ran out the door. I followed, Swift running beside me down the lavish wood and red carpet corridor. Out of other rooms appeared the rest of us; Rock Roller and his trusty companion Dmitri, Iron Sights and his rifle, and Late Blaze with the Afterburner. Running in a line, we all looked pretty awesome. It would only be a matter of time before we had our signature appearances, and ran in a line then. That would look even better.
"What is happening?" Rock asked, his heavy hoofsteps clumping loudly on the floor.
"Dunno." Swift replied. "We've all just been told to head to the main chamber. I'm assuming this is important, otherwise they wouldn't have got the armourer to go on a break."
"Well, it must be damn important." I added. "That guy works all hours." Just before we could continue our speculating, we reached the ornate doors to the chamber. Instead of being a normal person, I headbutted the door open, and ran inside alongside the others.
No matter how spectacularly stupid my way of entering was, it seemed that everypony else was topping it. One other squad had crawled through the air vents, landed on some poor soul, and knocked him unconcious. The staallion that led Six and I to our quarters on the first day was hung upside down on the upper balcony, above Fleur, Slide-Back and a few other assassins. When he thought nopony was looking, he reached a hoof down, and signed somepony else's death warrant: he grabbed Fleur's ass, then hid on the roof. Fleur, blushing furiously with a glare even more terrifying than Fluttershy's stare, turned around and smashed a random stallion in the face. He fell over, and I presume he's dead.
Meanwhile, the ninja-colt (I forgot his name) reached down and stole Fleur's purse. I gave him a grin and a nod, and in reply he smirked and tapped the side of his snout. Suddenly, there was a booming cough that echoed through the room and cut the chatter. Stood on the balcony, glaring down at all of us whilst wearing aviator shades and military uniform, was somepony I didn't expect to see here AT ALL. Apparently everypony else recognised her as well.
"SPITFIRE?!" gasped everypony-including-me.
"Yes, I'm Spitfire." she sighed. "Assassin, Wonderbolt, Academy Trainer, and for today, bearer of incredible news!" The whole audience grinned, and listened. "Right then. Recently, a very, very important pony received a tip off from a traitor in the Changeling Empire that their ruler is planning an...unexpected visit on Canterlot. Said visit involves several thousand Changelings, and a disguise during the upcoming wedding. Now you're all wondering: why are you telling us this?"
"Uh-huh." we all replied, nodding in unison.
"Well, here's the part you'll all love: this client is willing to pay ONE BILLION BITS if we can eliminate the Changeling Queen, and her army, on the day of the wedding!" Everypony immediately let out a loud cheer. "But since this is such a large job, the largest we've ever done, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF WE ASSASSINS WILL BE ATTENDING."
"Ma'am?" I asked, raising a hoof, and sending the room into silence.
"Yes, Thunder Mustang?" she replied, flying down and looking right into my face, not even inches between our snouts. If somepony had just walked in, it would look like a random intimate moment.
"Might I ask, is this 'very important pony' one of the Princesses?" I asked. Spitfire groaned, and nodded.
"Yes, it is." she sighed. "I'm aware that this is potentially a trap. We have no way to know if the Princesses want this clan through, once and for all, or if they're actually being honest. Either way, we'll have to do it." The room went silent. "If there were a way to get the information out of said Princess, it'd be helpful."
"Which Princess is it, ma'am?" Slide-Back asked.
"Luna." Spitfire replied. I immediately felt thousands of eyes staring in my direction.
"Yeah, yeah, I hear you all." I sighed. "Doubt I can get into the castle without being caught though, so it's a stupid plan."
"If it were a stupid plan, you wouldn't be agreeing to it." Fleur called down.
"But I didn't agr-"
"Yes you did." Spitfire cut in. "We need to know if she's honest, and what better way to do so than by 'forcing' it out of her?" Before I could argue, the meeting was adjourned, and the hall emptied in moments, leaving me stood in an empty chamber, with a shocked expression.

"...and I never even managed to get away from them for a week..."

Thunder. Just reply to me.
Please.
...fine. I'm listening.
Finally! Thunder, listen to me. I miss you. We all miss you. There hasn't been a day where I haven't cried due to your departure. I can't sleep knowing that you're out there in the rain, all alone.
I know. It's why I'm coming back home. I'm bored as hell out here.
Oh thank Faust. You're coming back? Thank you for listening to sense! I need to tell Tia!
Lulu, I told you he wouldn't listen to you. Stop bothering him.
But sis! He's coming home!
Aye.
What?! Th-that's brilliant! Lulu, you're the luckiest mare alive![/colir]
Did you talk sense into him? Is he coming back?
Yes Cadence, she did.
This is good, Mr Musta-
You, fuck off.
YAY! THUNDER'S COMING HOME!
Pinkie, what are you doing in here?!
To ask him what he wants at his 'coming home because he's not angry anymore' party, of course!
Oh bollocks, I forgot about the others. Eh, I'll see them before the wedding.
You're coming to our wedding, Thunder?
Oh fuck, you stole my coloured text. And yes, I am.
Wonderful! We'll need your rifle skills and intimidation; the Changeling Empire made a threat of invasion on Canterlot. I think we'll all breathe a little easier knowing our little psychopath paid safe, and willing to defend us.
I hope you're not implying you want me to fight off thousands of Changelings all alone?
Why, no! I promised thousands of assassins in a clan a large sum of money if they came to defend. As an added bonus I neglected to tell them, all crimes performed prior to the wedding will be wiped from their slate.
Oh. Well, that's...good. Yeah.
...
...
...
...you've become an assassin, haven't you?
Yep.
Aw, that's stupid.
No, it's not.
You're learning to kill? That's kind of cool. Illegal, but cool.
Killed any rulers yet?
Yeah, I mean there's a few countries I have a particular hatred of. Like the camels, and minotaurs.
You guys are taking this well.
Obviously! Being an assassin is rather helpful to a country's rulers.
Unless I'm killing them.
Yeah, pretty much. Where are you training?
Hidden facility. Not allowed to say more than that.
Well, good for you. I guess the wedding should go smoothly, especially when you nail the queen of Changelings in the face.
That will be...most enjo-
I thought I told you to FUCK OFF.
You cannot hide from us, Mr Mustang. We will find you.
I'll find you first, and hit you in your stupid wrinkly face with a crowbar. How'd you like that, G-Man? Want me to go call the Vortigaunts? No? Then piss off, bitch.
...what are yo-where did that even come from?
I...actually don't know. I shouldn't have played 100 hours of Half-Life 2 back on Earth. Anyway, it was fun. And anyway AGAIN, fuck off G-Man.
Anyway EVEN MORE, you're coming back. When?
Expect me to arrive with the other assassins, a week or so before the wedding.
So...next week?
Aye. Just...I need to make sure of something. Do you promise not to have the other assassins executed on arrival, or when they finish the army off?
Certainly. If that's what you want, then I agree. Lulu?
Yes. Executing the assassins would mean having you executed, and I don't want that.
Good, then it's settled. I'll come back in a week. Do the rest of you mind if I have a moment with Luna?
Not at all. I know what this is about, being a Princess of Love after all.
Cadence, that'll do. Let's leave them alone.

Are we alone? What was it you needed me for?
Well, I was wondering...are we still together?
I don't know, are we?
Erm...yes?
Well, that's good. Because it would be kind of awkward if I rutted you when you came to the castle and we WEREN'T together as a couple. I mean, that'd be weird. Not weird weird, but weird. Yeah...weird.
Well, phew. Because I was worried I'd have to go through the whole flirting process again. That took months.
Yeah.
...
...
...Luna?
Yes?
We're still a couple, right?
Yes, Thunder. Just the way it should be.