Thunder...wake uuuup...
A voice? Why'd it go dark?
Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey...
Are you shitting me? I fucking FELL ASLEEP?!?
Somepony special is here...Up you get...
Christ, fine, I'm bloody waking up.
"Bloody hell, you made your point..." I mumbled, struggling to open my eyes. I was immediately greeted by a blinding beam of light shattering through the stained glass windows and shattering my eyesight. I groaned loudly, closing my eyes again and raising a hoof to defend the primary defence layer. On top of that, I pushed my mane into my eyes to serve as a tertiary defends that defends my second layer of defence so that can defend my first layer. Xhibit would be proud.
"Morning, sleepyhead." came the aggrovating voice again. I recognised it as a female voice, but not one I'd heard before. "Or should I say, 'Sir' Sleepyhead?" What? Sir? Why would that be in the title...?
"What...just g'way...I'm tired, insane, and your voice is pissing me off..." I muttered, rolling onto my belly and closing my eyes.
"Very well, my little brony..." WAIT, WHAT THE SHIT?!?! " If you would prefer NOT to meet the ruler of the land you dreamed of going to, then I shall honour that." Now, normally a brony would do something clichè like open their eyes the moment that's said. I didn't, I just absent-mindedly flailed one of my hooves about behind me. "Oh? You don't enjoy your knighthood?"
"What..." I muttered, muffled by the ground. I was still on the concrete floor, and it was hurting my snout a lot. "I bet I'm just dreaming...or some shit...and why give me a...thingy..." I honsestly didn't care what occured right now; I was too tired. For all I care I could be in Canterlot Dungeons and still be trying to sleep.
"Well," came the female voice again, abeit with a warm chuckle. "To lay your idea to rest that you're insane: No." My eyes snapped open now, ignoring the sunbeams. "I repaired your mental state as you were...occupied at the time."
"With what?" I quickly asked. "What could be so occupying that you neglected to inform me that you were going to fix my mental health?" I looked behind me at who it was speaking in such a motherly tone. And, stood above my lying-down figure, was the sun-goddess herself: Princess Celestia. She was even more fantastical than the show portrayed; flowing hair produced its own light and flowed freely in solar winds, magenta eyes, a quick smile, the regalia, all there. I gasped in awe, but then stopped giving a shit. I felt my open eyes drop to the usual unenthusiastic position they were usually in, my mouth closed, and I sighed loudly as I stood up.
"You were unconcious, Thunder Mustang." She replied. "After my sister...occupied you." My heart froze as I blinked.
"Did she...you're saying...oh, my god...me...and your sister...Nightmare Moon...errfmmmmffggg..." I just droned on like this for what felt like fifty minutes. I was looking around a lot, sweating, and felt like passing out. Celestia simply rolled her eyes, and put a golden shoe under my chin. I had no choice but to look into her eyes, but her reassuring smile told me not to worry.
"Not like that, you immature little brony." she chuckled. Her voice was still eargasmic. "She took control of your mind and body whilst you were alone. You were lucky that Applejack gave you a reboot."
"I'm...not sure I follow...?" I replied, still looking at her face.
"She bucked you really hard in the head."
"Right...that explains the headache...but how did you know my friends and I-"
"I know a lot about you six." Celestia warmly replied. She didn't even seem angry that we lied about our lives. "After all, the only humans to ever arrive in Equestria: they enjoy it! Last time another race came here, it was Griffons, they hated it here. A few stay here, but otherwise, no."
"Ok." I sighed, closing my eyes. The image of Celestia's deep pink eyes was still etched into my eyes. "I'm going to guess you confiscated the gun?" Opening my eyes, I saw Celestia's gaze harden.
"Of course I did." Celestia frowned. "Equestria's top scientists are working on more peaceful uses for it, and a special branch has been inventing..." She paused.
"More guns?" I said, rather hopefully I might add. Celestia gave a glare, and I nearly shit myself. Looking away, so as not to have a heart attack, I decided to take in my surroundings. I was still in the old castle, except on the ground in the main chamber. Originally, to the best of my memory, I was on a small stone perch above the central platform, overlooking rows of pillars. And, thanks to Celestia's return, the room was illuminated once more with a bright glare of sunlight being refracted about the place by the stained glass windows. However, looking on the floor, I could see a splat of red, with a trail leading from there to me. Must have been one fucking insane kick.
"Anyway," Celestia continued, standing up. I didn't even notice she'd been kneeling; she seemed tall enough already. "I have NOT knighted you, I have simply given you an honour title. For your service to Equestria." I found myself rather relieved.
"Woah, I did NO service to your country, ma'am." I suddenly found my voice raised. "If anything, I nearly killed your student during my possession and if I'd succeeded I would have destroyed the entire history of Equestria." Celestia turned once more, giving a forgiving gaze. I found it rather strange how I instinctively knew what gaze-type Celestia was giving; maybe it was hardwired into a pony's brain?
"Maybe," she replied, "But you assissted my pupil and her friends in getting here, and despite a few ragged moments, you saved her life on more than one occasion. How would she have known about the Manticore in the path, or that the cliff would collapse? Your friends and you are heroes."
"Speaking of my friends, where are they?" I asked quickly. I don't know if I'd injured them in any way during my...possession. A sudden voice came from over the hall ringing around the room.
"He's alive!" shouted Solar, and a cheer arose from the others.

"And may I also ask," I turned to Celestia, "Why does all the bad shit happen to me? I feel like the main character in some kind of crappy story."

"Y'know," I said to Celestia as we trotted back through the Everfree Forest, "I always wanted ta run for the President o' the United States."
"Really?" she asked, looking down on me once again. She seemed genuinely interested. Probably not.
"Yep," I replied, not even shifting my gaze from the road ahead. "I wouldn't run on a Democratic platform, or the Republican platform, or the Independent platform. Me? I'd run on a go-FUCK-yourself fuckin' platform!"
Celestia looked mildly annoyed.
"Would you please stop using obscenities?" she asked quite...er, politely/angrily? "It doesn't really help with your public image. Be like your friends, talk to somepony and don't...swear so much, if you would?"
"Sorry, still a bit nuts. You can't fix all the shit in my head. Most of the bits are missing, and my parents lost the instructions the day I was born."
"I can see that..." Celestia mumbled, looking ahead rather stressfully.
"Heard that."
"You were supposed to."
"Aaah, I already don't like you."
"The same could be said for you."
"The Hyperion corporation seems more fun than you. Heh heh."
"Hyperion?"
"Nothin-OW." A solid object thwacked me on the back of the head. Turning around to see what it was, I saw Twilight, looking rather angrily at me.
"Thunder, apologize." she said sternly.
"But mom, she started it!" I laughed.
"Do you want me to cuff you?" Twilight growled.
"Oooh, kinky."
"I take that as 'yes', then." Twilight sighed. I heard magic charging, and I was flipped upside down. Looking...up, I suppose, I saw that we were off the beaten track and instead trotted on cobblestone road. It turns out I was going to be put on Ebony's back again. As I landed on his back, I huffed loudly.
"Hey." Ebony said quite casually. He was probably used to my weight by now. "Pissed off Celestia ALREADY? That's an academy record."

"Ha ha. Now shut the fuck up."

I cracked all of my leg bones when I stood. Damn, it felt good to walk. Celestia had disappeared to 'prepare' with Luna, my friends and I were left in the centre of town with a small crowd of ponies, and the Elements had a huge crowd. Sky was busy soaking up the mares: most of them did flock to him, after all. I don't see why the rest of us received less attention. However, after 5 minutes of watching Sky impress the ladies, I did receive some attention. Lyra and Bon-Bon trotted up looking quite impressed.
"Thunder!" Bon (I shall call her 'Bon' now. I can't be fucked to reach for the hyphen key.) called. She approached, and I raised a hoof to shake hooves. Instead I received a crushing hug. Every ounce of air left my lungs as both mares wrapped hooves around my neck. I did not receive a wing boner, thankfully, but if I did I would have been forever alone. When they finally...er, unhugged? Yeah. When they finally unhuggex, I had my first non-interrogative conversation for a while.
"Hey guys!" I replied warmly, whilst trying to kill the thief that stole the air from my lungs. "Guess who's back?"
"You guys are, yes." Lyra rolled her eyes. "I didn't catch their names...?" she motioned for me to name them. I nodded, turned to the others, and shrugged.
"I can't be bothered to name you all. Can you guys do it?" I asked.
"Right then." Ebony sighed. "I'm Ebony Chopper, pleased to meet you." he said to the mares, sticking out a hoof to shake. He received what I did, and I saw him turn slightly blue. When the girls unhugged (that's my new favourite fucking word.), Inferno continued on.
"I'm Inferno Cloud, nice to speak to somepony who isn't crazy." he jabbed a hoof towards me.
"Shut the hell up."
"Well, my name is Fire Trail, and he's a bit nuts." Fire said, pointing at me.
"I'll snap that fucking hoof off in a minute."
"Sure." Solar sighed. "Anyway, I'm Solar Blaze, I'm 24, single, and looking for love."
"More likely, you found a way to be kicked in the head." I snorted, causing a round of laughter. "And Lord High-and-Mighty of the mares over there is Sky Wheel." I pointed to the green Pegasus with the black mane being tossed up and down into the air. "No idea why they praise him." I muttered.
"Well, it's good to see you all in one piece." Bon beamed. "Especially after the cliff, the Manticore, the water serpent, Applejack...ugh."
"Yeah, that was a pretty badass kick in the head." Solar coughed. "Blood went everywhere."
"I didn't feel it, though, so good." I nodded.
"Why not?" both mares asked.
"Well..." I began to tell the tale. Within a few minutes ponies gathered all around to hear our tale of adventure and excitement. And for me? Broken leg. No big deal. Big pain though.

Author's Note

If you're reading this, go to an insane asylum. The floor is bouncy, medicine and jackets are on the right, I'm a chocolate biscuit, and the Unicorn in the corner of the room does not like to be poked.