Mass Hysteria

Chapter 7: 5 Ways to get a Coltfriend

The Nerd Method

"SPIKE!" Twilight shouted from her bedroom as she threw yet another book onto the ground in frustration. It's been almost a week since Celestia and Luna told them about the problems their pregnancies had with them, and how to prevent things from going wrong while they were pregnant. To put it simply, they had to get coltfriends, but that wasn't an easy task for Twilight. Sure, she's read quite a few romance novels in her time, she's never actually had romance. In the books she's read the stallion was always chasing after the mare, not the other way around, so she didn't know what kind of things a mare would do in that position. So far she's read about twenty or so dating advice books, as well as a multitude of badly written love stories where a mare had to hunt for her princess.

"Here's a few more books Twilight" Spike said through deep breaths. He's been running all throughout the library ever since Twilight came home with this plan in mind. He had asked her what reading was going to do, but her answer made about as much sense as somepony would think.

"If I don't know about romance, I'll read about romance!" Spike grunted as he headed back down to the main floor of the library, his stubby little legs ready to give out on him as he went down the stairs, but they held on long enough to get him into a chair. After a few hours Twilight shouted for Spike to get more books, waking him up just as he started to fall asleep in the chair.

"For somepony so smart, this plan is really stupid" Spike complained as he looked for more books that talked about romance and relationships. Once he had found five books he headed into her room, and the cycle began again.

The Party Pony Method

As Pinkie bounced into the bakery Mr Cake came out of the kitchen to see her dragging the eternal god of chaos behind her, his heading bouncing off the floor just a second behind Pinkie. He seemed like he was bored out of his mind, so Pinkie literally dragging him around was probably the most interesting thing to happen to him today.

"Hi Mrs Cake!" Pinkie said happily as she left Discord drop to the ground so she could run over to Mrs Cake. She seemed to be excited about having Discord with her.

"Pinkie, why did you drag Discord into the shop?" Mrs Cake asked, looking past Pinkie to see Discord reading through the glass to steal a triple chocolate cupcake that they had on display. She was about to go and stop him when he somehow snapped, making another cupcake appear in it's place.

"Oh, well you see, some old evil being made me and my friends pregnant so that the Elements of Harmony would become useless, but if we have a coltfriend then it doesn't happen as bad!" Pinkie explained quickly, making Mrs Cake's jaw drop. Before she could ask what that meant Pinkie ran off, taking Discord upstairs with her. Discord looked as Mrs Cake with no expression on his face, now being bored out of his mind because he had figured out why he was there.

The Fashionista Method

Rarity was sitting in her room at the boutique, looking out her window at the stallions that were walking by down below. Using her keen eye for detail Rarity was attempting to spot the best stallion for her in the crowd. In her mind the list she had come up with was a small one, with the only necessities being that they were rich, proper, looked good, and were going to treat her like a princess. Of course some ponies would see that as her asking too much of a stallion, but Rarity was special, she was a fashionista!

"I will have the best stallion in town, mark my words!" Rarity said melodramatically, the only response to it being Opal meowing quietly in the back of the room, "Exactly Opal, I do deserve the best stallion" Opal rolled her eyes before walking out of the room, leaving Rarity to watch the stallions by herself.

"Now, which one will I choose..." Rarity asked out loud as she squinted at the five or so stallions that were walking past. One stallion had a similar build to Big McIntosh, but his hair was atrocious, not to mention the clashing colors of his black coat and red mane. Another stallion that was behind him seemed rather well groomed, but his bright green eyes and mangy beard were a big turn off for her. A few other stallions were fairly average, none of them having any defining features that made them better than the rest. After a few minutes of watching a Pegasus came by that was talking to a rather good looking stallion. With her eyes set on the Unicorn that was outside Rarity ran down the stairs and out the door. Once she was outside she couldn't see the Unicorn anymore, and all what was left was the Pegasus.

"Where'd your friend go?!" Rarity asked quickly as she grabbed the Pegasus, holding him by his shoulders so he wouldn't run away. He looked at her in shock before turning his head, and following his gaze to see a white Unicorn with two tone hair ordering some ice cream. When Rarity looked closely at the Unicorn she saw that it was the one she had seen from the window, but it was a mare, not a stallion. After a second the mare came over with two mint chocolate chip ice cream cones, handing one to the stallion before she looked at Rarity.

"Why are you holding my coltfriend like that?" the mare asked, looking at Rarity with a confused expression. Rarity slowly backed away, letting her hooves fall from the stallion as her eyes opened wide. Once her all her hooves were on the ground Rarity ran back into the boutique, laying down on her bed in confusion.

The Shy Method

Fluttershy was hiding in her cottage when Angel came bouncing in through the window, an angry look on his face. Angel stopped in front of her, his foot tapping the floor at high speeds because he was hungry. She just looked at him with terrified eyes when there was a knock at the door, making her jump slightly. Looking out the window next to the door Angel saw a horde of stallions, all of them holding heart shaped boxes of chocolates and flowers. A squirrel came running in through the back door, a green hoof trying to force its way in after him.

"Please, just go away..." Fluttershy squeaked out quietly as the green stallion outside swore out of frustration. A second later a few more hoofs tried to get in through the animal door the squirrel had come through. Angel looked around and saw a stallion looking in through the window at Fluttershy, making her cower away towards the stairs so she could try and go upstairs. The animals all looked at Fluttershy worriedly, which she noticed.

"They know I need a coltfriend..." Fluttershy looked completely terrified, which made all of the animals, including Angel, look out the windows at the stallions. As Fluttershy went upstairs the animals headed outside and began to gnaw at the stallions' ankles, forcing all of them away from her cottage. Once they were all gone Angel hopped back inside and went upstairs to see Fluttershy, who had a small smile on her face.

"Thank you..."

The Family Method

Applejack slowly trotted into the farm house as she thought about what having a coltfriend would do for her. He might be able to help around the farm, or be able to relax her after a long day of bucking the trees, but he could also get in the way of her work and cause her to slack off worse than Rainbow Dash. Without paying attention Applejack ran into Applebloom, pushing her to the ground by accident.

"Hey, what gives sis?" Applebloom asked as she got up, looking at Applejack angrily.

"Oh, sorry Applebloom, I was distracted by my thoughts" Applejack apologized, briefly having the thought to ask Applebloom for help with her coltfriend problem, but then she remembered what happened when her and friends tried to set up Big Mac with Cheerilee. Shaking her head to get the thought out of her head Applejack started walking towards the stairs so she could go see Big Mac. Despite the fact that he was quiet and antisocial Big Mac seemed to know a lot about relationships and how to deal with social problems. When she got up to his door she heard two ponies talking inside, one voice she easily placed as her brother's, but the other voice sounded almost like...

"Now Rainbow, I know Celestia said it'd be a good idea, but that doesn't mean we have to tell everypony" Big Mac said, the mention of Rainbow's name making Applejack extremely curious. As she pressed her ear up against the door the other pony began to talk, allowing Applejack to place it correctly.

"Mac, I know you want to keep it a little secret between us, but if I don't tell anypony they're going to try and set me up with some stupid stallion I don't even like" Rainbow said, being the voice of reason for once. Applejack felt the urge to slam the door open and give the two of them an earful, but before her brain was able to reason that it wouldn't end well she was half way into the room, the two of them looking at her with terrified looks on their faces.

"Applejack?!" Rainbow asked quickly, her face draining of color when she realized what was going on.

"So, somepony mind telling me what she's doin' in here?" Applejack asked seriously, making Big Mac and Rainbow look at each other worriedly. Now that they've been caught they had no choice but to tell somepony, but sadly that pony happened to be Applejack.

"Well..." Big Mac and Rainbow started to say together, getting ready to tell Applejack about one fateful day in the orchard...

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It was a normal day for Big Mac when Rainbow fell out of a tree he had just bucked, landing in one of the apple baskets he had placed beneath the tree. She grunted angrily before an apple landed on her head, making her yelp in surprise and pain.

"Watch what you're bucking Big Mac!" Rainbow complained as she climbed out of the basket, which proved to be fairly difficult for her.

"I shouldn't have to watch what I'm bucking on my own farm" Big Mac said, making Rainbow blush in embarrassment. She had forgot that she was on Sweet Apple Acres in the first place, having come here to nap without the threat of Pinkie looming over her. Her blush quickly disappeared as she realized that Big Mac had moved on already and was now five trees away from her.

"Couldn't you see that I was in that tree?" Rainbow asked, eyeing him down as he gave her a blank stare.

"Eeyup"

"Then why did you still buck it without waking me up first?!" Rainbow complained, making Mac finally look away. If Rainbow didn't know better she could have sworn he was blushing under that red coat of his, but it was hard to tell. Why would he be blushing anyways? Was he embarrassed that he knocked her out of a tree, or was there something else that-

"I thought you looked cute when you were sleepin'" Big Mac answered quietly, his shyness almost matching Fluttershy's.

"I looked, what, when I sleep?" Rainbow asked, wanting to make sure she heard him right. There was no way he called her cute.

"Cute..." Big Mac repeated, an actual blush appearing on his cheeks this time, which made Rainbow blush as well. It was unlike him to say something like that, let alone get embarrassed over it, and it really confused Rainbow. Why in Equestria would Applejack's soft spoken brother suddenly say that she was cute, and why would he be so embarrassed about it? There was only one reason...

"Mac, do you..." Rainbow trailed off, feeling her own cheeks flush a deep red, "Like me?" After a few seconds of silence Big Mac gave his answer.

"...Eeyup"

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"...and ever since then we've been giving this whole dating thing a shot" Rainbow said, looking over to see Mac staring down at his hooves with his cheeks a bright red. Applejack was looking at the two of them with an angry stare, and without saying anything she stormed out of the room, slamming the door shut behind her so hard one of the hinges broke. Out in the hallway Applejack stood still, doing her best to keep her anger inside herself.