Dear Babs,
Babies? That's a weird thing to happen. How can you tell if a fish is a boy or a girl, anyways? They all look the same to me. Also, how do the fish make the babies? Where do they come from?
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A Simple Question
Written by: Chuck Baleigh
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--
Apple Bloom stared at the last sentence she had written with a hard gaze. This was something she had never thought over before, and now that her mind was focused on the question, her imagination ran wild with the several possibilities that would fit as answers.
It wasn't just fish babies that filled her thoughts anymore, but instead, all babies in general. The most she knew was that a mare would get a big belly out of nowhere, and then a baby would appear. She remembered clearly seeing Mrs. Cake get big when she said she was having babies. How did her belly get so big? Why did it happen so suddenly? How does the baby get here? Maybe you just ate a lot of junk food, and then a baby was made from that? No, that was ridiculous. There was some other way.
Apple Bloom went back to looking at her paper, her eyes moving to the last sentence she had written again. This was starting to get on her nerves, not knowing the real answer to this mystery. Her hooves tapped against the small writing desk she sat at as she brainstormed, causing a small *clunk!* with each hoof to wood contact made. She was really bothered by this question, and she didn't even know why. It seemed like something that would be so simple to figure out.
The yellow farm filly stifled a yawn and looked out the window, not having noticed how dark out it had become. Maybe a good night's sleep would help her brain think of an answer. Yawning again, Apple Bloom blew out the candle on top of her desk, then got up from it and moved over to her bed, getting under the covers and tucking herself in. She closed her eyes, and her vision filled with darkness as sleep overtook her.
--
Sleep didn't help. Not one bit. Apple Bloom had awoken this morning, feeling refreshed in mind and body. Nopony was inside the house currently, Applejack and Big Mac working the fields and Granny Smith out at the Early Bird market. This would let her think in silence, which is something Apple Bloom welcomed. Yet still, nothing came to mind. Most answers she thought of wouldn't make sense, one ludicrous example being a mare being poked with a needle that inserted a foal into them. There was no solution that came to mind, and it bothered Apple Bloom to no end.
The filly finished her breakfast in the quiet, set her dishes in the sink, and then put on her saddlebags as she headed off for school. Maybe school, the place where you're supposed to learn, would teach her something about this situation. Or, if anything, it may get her mind moving.
--
She had sat in class, listening intently. When recess came around, she went outside and sat under a tree, a perfect thinking spot. Once again, though, nothing came to mind. No matter how much Apple Bloom thought about it, she couldn't come to a logical conclusion.
Cheerilee stood outside along with the foals, making sure none of them got themselves hurt or into trouble. That's when an idea formed inside the yellow filly's head. If she didn't know the answer, then surely her teacher would! It was perfect! Why didn't she think of this sooner? Getting up on her hooves, Apple Bloom made her way to her teacher.
"Howdy Ms. Cherilee!" Apple Bloom greeted as she reached the mare in question.
Cheerilee turned her head away from the playground and towards the student addressing her. "Hello Apple Bloom! How's your day been?"
"Well, kinda frustratin', actually."
Cheerilee raised an eyebrow. "Frustrating? What's the matter, Apple Bloom?"
Apple Bloom sighed. "It all started when me n' mah cousin Babs started sendin' letters to each other. She would always talk about these two pet goldfish she had, and everything was normal," the teacher nodded as the student described her situation, "Then, she began gettin' worried because one of 'em started gettin' big. Then, before long, she said these lil' round things were on the bottom of the fishbowl, and then they disappeared! After that, more fish came outta nowhere!"
"So the fish had babies?" Cheerilee inquired.
Apple Bloom nodded. "Exactly what Babs said!"
Confused as to why this situation frustrated Apple Bloom, the purple mare put a hoof to her chin. "Well then, what's the matter with all of this?"
The farm filly sighed, and looked at Cheerilee with wide and curious eyes as she spoke. "Ms. Cheerilee...where do babies come from?"
Cheerilee stared at her student, eyes wide and jaw agape. She wanted to think of an excuse, or a thousand, to avoid answering the question, but couldn't. "Uhhhhh.....uhmmmm..." was all that she could form with her mouth, her pale-green eyes darting left and right as she did so. Setting her eyes on a random direction, she once again spoke. "Oh, looks like Dinky scraped her knee, and I've gotta go help her. Maybe I can answer your question later Apple Bloom!"
Giving the filly a sheepish grin, Cheerilee trotted off in the direction she was looking in, leaving a puzzled Apple Bloom in her wake. Across from Apple Bloom, her fellow crusaders and friends, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo, had watched the whole conversation between filly and mare, and were equally as puzzled as Apple Bloom. The two made their way towards the yellow filly.
Noticing her friends' presence, Apple Bloom smiled and waved a hoof. "Heya Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo."
"Hey Apple Bloom," Sweetie returned the greeting. "So...," Sweetie Belle began, "what was with Ms. Cheerilee?"
Apple Bloom shrugged. "Ah dunno. I just asked her a simple question and she got all nervous."
Scootaloo raised an eyebrow, intrigued. "What was the question?"
"Ah just asked her where babies came from."
"And she just freaked out?" The two friends of Apple Bloom leaned in, interested.
"Yeah. Ah dunno what the deal was."
"Why'd you ask her that, anyways?"
"Well, it all started when me an' Babs started writin' letters to each other..." Apple Bloom filled in her fellow crusaders with the story of how she had thought of the question in...well...question. "...an' so ever since last night, I've tried thinkin' of an answer."
Sweetie Belle frowned inquisitively. "Well, now that I think of it...I wanna know where babies come from too!" The unicorn finished with an eager smile.
"Me three!" Scootaloo joined.
"Then it's settled," the unofficial leader, Apple Bloom said, "By the end a' today, the Cutie-Mark Crusaders will find out where babies come from!"
"Or die trying!" Added Scootaloo.
Sweetie Belle grimaced. "Don't you think that's a little extreme, Scootaloo?"
The pegasus, realizing her error, re-stated herself. "Uh...or get hurt trying?" Her answer was met with an approving nod from Sweetie.
"So," the bow wearing filly began, "where do we start?"
Scootaloo spoke up. "Well, if all three of us put our heads together, surely we'll think of where babies come from!"
Apple Bloom frowned skeptically. "Ehhh...Ah dunno. Ah think we need a straight answer instead of a guess..."
The unicorn of the group spoke up. "Oh, I know! You asking Cheerilee might've been a bust, but surely anypony else her age knows the answer! Maybe some will freak out like she did, but that just means we ask another pony. We'll keep asking until we get an answer!"
"That's a great idea!" the pegasus next to Sweetie agreed.
The unofficial leader stood tall. "Then it's settled! After school, we ask every adult in town where babies come from!"
The three fillies rose their fore-hooves high and smacked them together, all the while chanting "YEAH!" in unison.
"Ask every adult what now?" came a skeptical voice behind them. Turning around, the crusaders found one Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon (because who else?).
"Mind your own business," said Scootaloo.
"But we just want to know what dumb question you have. Or maybe you're too stupid to even remember." The pink brat offered a smug look, hoping the crusaders would take the bait.
"We are not too stupid!" the unicorn of the five fillies barred her teeth.
Hook, line, and sinker, thought Diamond Tiara. "Alright, so if you aren't stupid, what was the question?"
Sweetie huffed. "If you really must know, we were gonna ask where babies came from."
At this, the two rich brats laughed. "Please," started the grey one, "tell me you aren't serious."
"Why wouldn't we be? What's so funny 'bout it anyways?" the bow-wearing filly of the group responded.
Tiara scoffed. "Well, it's only the most commonly known fact in Equestria."
The crusaders' eyebrows were raised at this. "Whaaat?" they wondered aloud in unison.
"It's true. Diamond Tiara's daddy told us allll about it." The aforementioned pink filly brushed her hair back with a smirk.
"Can you tell us!?" the orange pegasus of the group asked excitedly before realizing her over-enthusiasm and regaining her composure. "Oh, cool, whatever. Tell us, we don't really care."
Diamond Tiara cleared her throat. "Well, if you really must know, it all starts when ponies mine underground for precious gems. Then, while they mine, they hit something that isn't a rock, pull it out, and voila! They find a foal and give it to two ponies, a mare and a stallion, to take care of. I was found next to the biggest and prettiest gem of all, too! Maybe that says something about my," she flipped her mane back and photogenic-like face, "good looks. The end. So, were you lame-o's impressed? Dazzled? Stupefied?"
"Actually," started Sweetie Belle, "your explanation was dumb." She stated matter-of-factly, sticking her tongue out to prove her point.
Diamond Tiara growled (un)menacingly. "But my dad told me it was true! Are you saying he lied to me?"
"Ah think he just told ya that cuz he wants ya ta think yer actually a diamond."
"My dad always said I was just as pretty as my namesake," the pink filly's eyelashes fluttered.
"Well in that case, I think we're just going to take your thoughts with a grain of salt," Sweetie Belle finished. As the group of five continued to bicker, Cheerilee came back from "helping Dinky" (interestingly enough, when Cheerilee visited her student under the false proclamation the child was injured, Dinky actually had hurt herself, except on the hoof, not the knee) and noticed that recess was over.
"Kids, it's time to go back in!" called the teacher. Having been caught up in a heated debate, the Cutie Mark Crusaders and Spoiled Twins looked up at their teacher, not realizing how fast time had flown by.
"...fine, I was getting bored of this anyways," the tiara wearing filly left with a "hmph", sticking her nose in the air. Her grey friend followed suit, and they both entered the schoolhouse.
Not wanting to be late for class, the crusaders decided to get back inside and to their desks ASAP.
--
*BRRRRRING!*
"See you tomorrow everypony! Have a nice day!"
The colts and fillies filed out of the school, glad the boring day was over. Among these children were the Cutie-Mark Crusaders, now ready to execute their mission. All day in their desks they couldn't focus on the lesson, thinking about their fool-proof idea to gain knowledge instead.
Apple Bloom was the last of the trio to get out the door. "All right Crusaders, we ready?" she asked her two friends in front of her.
"Ready as I'll ever be."
"Ditto."
With those words, the curious-cohorts-in-crime made a dash to the center of the town, looking for a pony they recognized to ask. Ending up in the market, the children looked to the several merchants and their stalls.
"Are there any rules to the asking part?" wondered Sweetie Belle.
Apple Bloom answered, "As long as we know the pony we're askin' and think they'll be honest." Luck couldn't have been more on their side, as a familiar orange, hatted mare came into view of the children. She was selling apples, a smile painted on her face. She already fit the two rules Apple Bloom had set, so there was no reason not to seize the opportunity.
"Applejack!"
The mare in question turned her head around at the sound of her sister's voice. "Heya Apple Bloom!"
"Applejack!" the aforementioned mare's sister repeated, she and her friends moving towards the stall, "We couldn'tve found ya at a better time!"
The hatted pony smiled. "Oh really now? What is it ya need, girls?"
Sweetie Belle chimed in. "All we need is for you to answer a question for us. Since you're so honest and all, maybe you'll tell us the real answer, too!"
"Alright girls," the farmer smiled with confidence, happy she could help her sister and her friends become more knowledgeable, "shoot."
"Where do babies come from?"
And then all of that confidence was gone. How could she answer a question she didn't think kids this age weren't ready for? It was only Applejack's luck that her sister had picked up the signs of what the farmer did when she lied (even though it was pretty noticeable regardless), so there was no way she could fib through this. What was she to do?
"Uhhh....errr...."
The three fillies were confused at Applejack's reaction, as it was similar to Cheerilee's. What was wrong with asking this question?
"It...uh...." the mare's eyes moved quickly to look for an idea, stopping on her wares sitting in front of her on the stand. "It's like apples!" she said with a bit too much enthusiasm.
The children's eyebrows raised in both skepticism and confusion at Applejack's answer. "Apples?" Scootaloo asked.
"Yeah! Apples!" Applejack confirmed. "Y'see, what happens is a little filly or colt seed gets planted, and then grows underground until it can get on level land, and then keep growing until they can bear fruits of their own!" She finished her explanation with a sheepish grin, hoping the children wouldn't question her any further.
The three raised their eyebrows. "Really?" Apple Bloom wondered aloud, disappointment audible in her tone. The older pony audibly and visibly gulped at the hint of skepticism. There was a small stand-off of silence before Apple Bloom decided to speak. "That was a boring answer!" Applejack breathed a sigh of relief that they had accepted the answer. "Maybe we could just ask another pony," the yellow filly suggested to her friends. The mare at the stand instantly became worried again. Taking the earlier suggestion, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo followed Apple Bloom as she scurried off.
"Apple Bloom, wait!" Applejack held out a hoof as she called out to her sister, but it was too late. They were gone, and Applejack couldn't leave her stand unattended. Sighing in defeat, the farmer turned back around to be greeted by a stallion, probably a customer. "Oh, howdy there. What can I do ya for?"
The stallion gave a smug smirk. "Hun, you can bear my fruit anytime."
Blushing furiously, Applejack punched the stallion in the face, obviously not amused at his comment. He stumbled back and fell to the ground as the mare that hit him heaved a heavy huff.
--
Asking Applejack may have been a flop, but that just meant the girls would have to move on to somepony else (it was kind of expected anyways, with how Cheerilee reacted). There were plenty of other ponies in town, so it was only a matter of going to one and speaking to them.
"GRAPES! STRAWBERRIES! GRAPES AND STRAWBERRIES! GET 'EM FRESH!"
Still being in the market, the crusaders had to deal with the annoying sounds of determined merchants, screaming out what they were selling. "Hey! Little fillies like grapes and strawberries, right?" Only when there was a small moment of silence did the crusaders realize they were the ones being talked to. They turned towards the noisy merchant, whom the crusaders recognized as Berry Punch, still waiting for an answer.
"Uh...yeah. Grapes an' strawberries are good," answered the earth filly of the group.
"Would you be willing to buy some? They were just picked yesterday and are guaranteed to be good!" The purple merchant flashed a large grin, hoping it would convince the children to purchase her wares.
Sweetie Belle offered the mare an indecisive frown. "Ehhm...maybe later. Right now we're on a pursuit of knowledge!" The merchant's ears perked at the sound of Sweetie's statement.
"Knowledge? Children, I've got plenty of that! Strawberries and grapes aren't the only things I offer, y'know!"
The fillies were intrigued by what Berry had said, and decided to go for it. "Alright," started Scootaloo, "can you tell us wh-"
"Ah ah ah kids!" Berry wiggled her fore-hoof in rhythm with her voice, "I don't offer knowledge for free. Three bits and I'll tell you anything you wanna know." Groaning, the fillies shuffled through their saddlebags, being on them since they left school, and fished out one bit each. Placing the money on Berry's stand, the crusaders looked up at her, awaiting her approval. The merchant swiped the bits and stored them in an undisclosed location.
"Now then," the purple pony began, "What was it you wanted to know?"
"Where do babies come from?" Sweetie Belle's happy and curious expression completely contrasted Berry's shocked and nervous one. The merchant's mouth hung slightly ajar as she searched for the right words.
"Iieee...uhhhh....o-oh! Yeah, that's it! Sorry for the delay," she clasped her hooves together with a nod and smile to the crusaders, "I just forgot the answer for a bit, but now it's back!" The trio of fillies in front of her sat back and waited. "Alright, so uh, babies. They come from...vines! Yeah, vines, like grapes!"
The children raised their eyebrows in confusion, noticing how both Berry and Applejack referenced their own fruits. Apple Bloom spoke up. "Uh, pardon, Ms. Punch, but did ya'll say vines?"
"Sure did, kid! They get farmed like normal crops, too! They're watered, sometimes left to dry in the sun to make raisins, and are sold to a mare and stallion couple as a wedding gift!"
This explanation sounded pretty logical to the kids, though they'd never heard of a baby farm before. There weren't any around here in Ponyville, from the looks of it, so that may be why they hadn't found this out until now. However, there was one thing Sweetie Belle couldn't get over. "Wait, you said that babies are given as wedding gifts, but when we were at Shining Armor and Princess Cadance's wedding, there weren't any babies!"
Berry started sweating profusely. "I didn't know you went to their wedding!" She tried changing the subject.
"We did," said Scootaloo, "and Sweetie's right. There weren't any babies there."
"Ms. Punch, are you hidin' somethin'?"
A hard-to-keep-on-and-very-faked grin formed on Berry's face. "Of course not! What made you think that?"
"Ya just said babies are given as weddin' gifts. We didn't see any-"
Before Apple Bloom could continue any further, the merchant quickly flipped a sign on the side of the stall. Previously, it had said "open", but now the word "closed" faced the outside. "Oh lookit that! It's closing time! I really oughta get home to Ruby!" The purple pony dashed off, forgetting her fruits on the stall.
The fillies stared at the fleeing pony before looking at one another.
"Were we just conned?" asked Scootaloo.
--
The trio on the quest for knowledge had stopped at Carousel Boutique. Sweetie Belle had to go to the bathroom, and Rarity's home was closer than her parents'.
The bathroom door opened just as a *FLUSH!* sounded out. "Alright girls, I'm ready to go!" said the filly who had just exited the restroom.
"Goodness, so eager to go?" came Rarity's voice from the living room, which, along with her hoof-steps, got closer to the hallway the children stood in. Shortly after the fashionista's head poked through the entrance to the hallway. "I'd have thought you'd want to stay around and lend me a hoof, Sweetie Belle."
Sweetie shook her head in reply. "Nope. We're on a mission to find out where babies come from."
At this, Rarity perked up as a grin grew on her face, and an odd sound emanated from her mouth. Something like "Eeeeooooo!" It was supposed to be a sound similar to when a human adores a puppy, but the way it's written may suggest otherwise.
"My little sister and her friends want to know about the birds and bees! Oh, this is adorable!"
"You mean you can tell us?" Scootaloo asked, eyes bright.
"Why certainly. This is a coming-of-age thing, and I'm surprised I expected it later than sooner," the white mare pushed the children into the living room of the boutique and settled them on cushions while she got on her famous red couch. After getting themselves comfortable, Rarity began. "So, you're curious about new feelings popping up, right?"
"What?" The children raised their eyebrows and confusion was prevalent on their faces. "No, no we just want to know where babies come from," finished Sweetie Belle.
The luxurious mare across from them pouted. "Take the fun part away. Fine," She cleared her throat, "now then, it all happens firstly and preferably when a stallion and a mare meet..."
Dream Sequence Transition thing...
In the fantasy world we'll title "Rarity's Imagination", a scene featuring Rarity and a large and handsome stallion begins to play out.
The two will meet by maybe, say, a minor mishap...
Rarity walks by a handsome stallion in the park, with flower petals blowing in the wind (an addition Rarity probably thought romantic), and drops a handkerchief. The stallion notices this and picks it up off the ground, the wind lightly whipping against his mane. "Madame," he called out to the mare, "you dropped this."
Turning around, Rarity greets the stallion with a flirtatious grin and moves back towards him. She gently takes the handkerchief back and looks the stallion in the eyes. "Why thank you, you fine gentlepony. You are all too kind."
The stallion returns the gaze and adds, "Anything for you, m'lady. It would be dishonorable not to assist such a beautiful maiden."
The maiden in question turned her head away and blushed, giggling. "Oh, you flatterer. I say again, all too kind."
The stallion brought his hoof to her chin and turned her head to face him again, the two sharing a moment of staring into each other's eyes. They were both lost in each other's gazes, feeling as though they were staring into the world's most precious crystals.
The stallion took his hoof from Rarity's face and used it to brush through her mane. "Such beauty, and all on one humble mare. How do you do it?"
Rarity blushed again, taking his compliments well, "Oh, how do I respond to such a statement? I should ask you how you stay such a fine gentlepony. It is just too hard to find a stallion as polite as you."
The stallion smiled. "How can one not be so kind and polite in your magnificent and beautiful presence? Your beauty is, dare I say, a rarity."
The white unicorn, in response to her name being used in an unintentional pun, giggled. "Such a wonderful word choice. Tell me, were you born chivalrous?"
"If you were born beautiful, then I was born chivalrous because of it."
To finish the confrontation, both ponies closed their eyes and inched forward, expecting to meet each other's lips in an act of love that was made ten times as meaningful because of-
A white unicorn filly jumped in front of the projected dream sequence screen. "When are we gonna get to the part about babies?"
Everything faded away and Rarity found herself back in her boutique, lying on her couch with three fillies sitting down in front of her. The mare hadn't realized she had been blushing while giving an explanation, but didn't acknowledge it, instead deciding to be annoyed at her sister's interruption. "I'm getting to that part Sweetie Belle. Just be patient. Now, where was I...?"
Dream Sequence Transition thing...again...
Once the two meet they'll fall in love, see each other several times, and eventually come to the time when the two must release their love onto each other through means besides the ever-romantic kiss...
Rarity lay on a bed in a dimly lit room, romantic music quietly playing and the stallion standing at the foot of the bed. An expensive bottle of carbonated grape juice stood on a side table next to the bed, along with two half-empty glasses. The room was one of many located in a luxurious hotel in Canterlot. The two had just been married and were currently enjoying their honeymoon alone together. Looking outside the window, one could see the beautiful night sky dotted with several stars and a full moon.
It had been a perfect end to a perfect day. Both ponies present were happily in love with each other, and now were more than willing to show just how far their love went.
"Please do be gentle..." said Rarity with half-lidded eyes and a flirtatious smirk.
"Of course. I'll be as gentle as possible," said the stallion as he joined her in the bed. They locked eyes and shared a long and passionate kiss, before mentally signaling each other that it was time to go further. They shifted around for a bit, trying to get in comfortable positions to do the dirty. When they had found a good position, the stallion asked aloud, "Are you ready, m'lady?"
"Yes, dear," answered the lady, "Go ahea-"
Another filly jumped into the screen, this time with a bow on her head and a scowl on her face. "Oh, come ON! This has nuthin' ta do with babies!"
Rarity found herself in the same place as when her dream sequence was last interrupted, though this time her annoyance was directed at another filly. "Would you please allow me to finish? I'm getting to that!"
Apple Bloom got up from her cushion. "That's what ya said last time, and then ya just skipped to somethin' involvin' two ponies in bed! That doesn't relate to where babies come from at all!" (In her later years, Apple Bloom would realize the idiocy of this statement). "C'mon crusaders," the unofficial leader began as she got up from her cushion, "Let's go ask another pony!"
Her command fell on deaf ears, however, as she found that both of her friends had fallen asleep during Rarity's explanation. Annoyed, the yellow filly nudged her friends awake.
"Hunh?" Scootaloo muttered as she got up and stretched. "What'd I miss?"
"Nuthin' important. Somethin' about two ponies in a bed."
Sweetie began stretching as well. "That's dumb. How does that relate to babies at all?"
"It doesn't!" (Again, Apple Bloom realized the idiocy as she aged). "We're goin' to somepony else!" The three children exited the room, and by extension, the boutique.
"But wait!" Rarity called out to the fillies, but it was too late. They were gone and she was alone in her home yet again. Walking over to a window, she sighed as she realized how little her love life had advanced since maturing, and wanted desperately to change that. But how? She imagined the stallion from the dream sequence, and again, sighed, knowing that no stallion like that probably exists out there.
--
The trio walked away from Derpy, who had given her own spin on the whole "where babies come from" thing. The fillies, of course, didn't buy it.
"But I'm telling you, it's true! Karate storks deliver little foals from the sun, as commanded by Princess Celestia! Why don't you believe me!?" Derpy herself, having had a daughter, found it hard to not actually laugh at her own lie.
The fillies, on their part, were starting to think that nopony knew the answer to their question. Lyra had gone off on some crazy escapade about pirates finding treasure chests which contained foals. Bon-Bon had only blushed and said "When you're older". Was there really not a single pony in Ponyville that knew of their own biology?
"Let's face it crusaders," Apple Bloom addressed her compatriots, "we're never gonna get a straight answer."
"A straight answer to what?"
The fillies jumped at the sudden intrusion of a new voice, and looked behind them to find Pinkie Pie smiling at the three.
"Oh, hey Pinkie Pie," Scootaloo greeted the party pony. "We were just asking around about something, that's all."
"And that something waaasss...?" The pony fluttered her eyelashes, as if expecting that to help her get the answer.
Apple Bloom sighed, "We just wanted to know where babies come from."
Pinkie stared at Apple Bloom, then fell over laughing. Getting up, she wiped away a tear or two from her eyes. "Oh silly, why didn't you come to me first? I've got all the info you need on this!"
"You really know?" Sweetie Belle asked, bright-eyed. Pinkie nodded, and the fillies smiled at her, glad they'd finally know where babies came from.
Pinkie cleared her throat, and began her explanation.
--
A long time ago, there was a baker pony who lived alone.
He would bake every day, and he loved eating his delicious creations.
They were so good that he wanted to tell another pony how good he thought they were, but that's when the poor guy realized that he was alone.
He wanted a pony to talk to, and to share his treats with, but there wasn't a single pony he could do this with.
For a long time, he was sad and lonely.
Not even his goodies could cheer him up anymore.
But then, one day, he got an idea.
An amazing super-duper idea that would solve his problem!
He got all the ingredients he could to bake something really big!
He mixed.
He stirred.
He blended.
Until all the ingredients were together in one giant bowl.
He didn't have a baking pan to make this thing into the shape he wanted, so he used several of them for the little individual shapes.
He had pans that would make close enough replicas of legs, a torso, and a head. A pony's to be exact.
He put it all in the oven, baked them, and when it was done, he brought out the finished product.
Another pony.
And when it cooled down, it came to life!
It started talking to him, and being friendly, and all sorts of other neat stuff!
But there were some things missing.
The baker had eyes, a mouth, and a mane and tail, but his yummy friend didn't.
So he used a giant mix of frosting and a lot of frosting pens to make these things.
And when he was done, the other pony was so happy!
He could even smile to show how happy he was!
But then the other pony came up with a great idea!
He said, "If you could make me, why don't you make more ponies?"
The baker absolutely loved his idea, and he got right on it.
He made unicorns, pegasi, and earth ponies all day, both stallions and mares.
He even used less batter in the recipe to make fillies and colts, too!
When the baker was finished, he found that he had made himself a whole bunch of ponies to talk to!
But then he found out he made a few too many, because his house was close to bursting!
So he did the hardest thing he could ever do in his life.
He baked houses for all the other ponies.
He made all the pieces of a house, and kept them stuck together with lots of frosting!
When he was finally done, all the ponies that he had made all lived in their own homes.
They lived in groups he called families.
He was so happy to have made other ponies, that he thought, "Why stop there?"
So to this day, he makes ponies in the smallest form, with a super special batter that makes them grow!
And when they're done, he sends them to the ovens of waiting parents!
When the parents open up their ovens, they find a brand new foal, delivered right from the baker!
--
The fillies stared at the party pony, wide-eyed. To think they were all baked goods? Scootaloo raised a hoof, and Pinkie called on her as if she were a teacher. "Yes?"
The pegasus filly cleared her throat. "If we're all cakes who are born in ovens, then why do we start out in a hospital?"
At this, Pinkie giggled. "Don't you get it, silly? They have ovens in hospitals too, duh!"
The three children all gave each other uneasy looks, as if the party pony's story was hard to believe. "So if we were to go into a hospital right now, we would find ovens in there where babies come from?" Sweetie inquired.
"Yep!"
The fillies got up from their sitting positions and headed right for the local hospital. At least, they were, until a pink blur stopped them. "Pinkie, what're ya doin'?" asked Apple Bloom.
Now, instead of a genuine smile, the pink pony was wearing a grin of sheepishness and nervousness. "I forgot to mention that they don't let anypony in the oven rooms except for the doctors!"
Pinkie's move only confirmed the crusaders' suspicions, and they decided to move on to another pony for an explanation. Before completely leaving Pinkie in the dust, Apple Bloom turned her head back to look at the pink pony. "Uh, thanks fer the story n' all Pinkie, but we don't exactly, um, buy it." As the crusader leader finished, the three galloped back into town, continuing their search for information.
"BUT IT IS WHERE BABIES COME FROM! COME ON, GIRLS, WHY DON'T YOU BELIEVE ME!?" shouted Pinkie from afar.
--
As anyone could have guessed, running around this much could make a pony very peckish. This is why the fillies decided to make a stop at Sugar Cube Corner.
Mr. (or Carrot, whichever you prefer) Cake came to the girls' table and served them their ordered treats. "Here you go girls. Hope you enjoy!"
"Thanks Mr. Cake!" the trio responded before digging into their food. As always, the treats made by the Cakes could be matched by no one, and the fillies enjoyed every bite. So, imagine your/my/their/someone's surprise when, for a moment, they stopped. No, they weren't full. Quite the opposite, actually, their innards were begging for more. What stopped them was...a thought. A feeling. Like they would finally find their answer here.
...they shook the feeling off and went back to eating, savoring the flavor. But then, they stopped to think yet again. Why did they have this feeling? Like as if their answer was hiding right under their noses?
Up the stairs of Sugar Cube Corner, the trio could hear babbling and cooing. "Okay Pound," came the voice of Mrs. (or Cup, whichever you prefer) Cake, "It's nap time. Get into the crib with Pumpkin and I'll sing you a lullaby." The sound of hooves moving around the higher level could be heard right after.
It took the trio a few moments to put two and two together, but when they did, they couldn't have been happier. Of course they would find out where babies came from here! The Cakes had babies, so there couldn't be a reason they wouldn't know! Feeling triumphant that they were at the end of their quest, the trio got up from their seats one by one, and moved towards the main counter of the sweets shop.
Mr. Cake was busy cleaning the counter-top, humming an unknown tune as he did so. Business today had been pretty slow, so he appreciated the Cutie Mark Crusaders' visit. When the children in question stared up at him from the front of the counter, he rubbed a bit more on one spot before saying, "Oh hey girls. Need anything else?"
"Actually, we were hopin' we could ask ya somethin'," said the farm filly of the group.
Smiling, Mr. Cake set down his rag and looked down at the girls. "Go ahead. I can answer whatever you need to know."
"Are you sure?" asked Sweetie Belle, "Because every time we ask a pony this question, they get all weirded out."
"Go ahead, I'm all ears," the co-owner of the sweets shop finished as he cocked his ear towards the children and put a hoof next to it (as if he could cup it with hooves? Highly unlikely).
"Where do babies come from?"
The smile on Mr. Cake's face disappeared, and his expression went to that of nervousness. "C-come again?" he asked, hoping he heard wrong.
"Where do babies come from?"
"Yes," the baker swallowed a bit, "that's...what I thought you said." He looked left and right, then noticed his wife come down the stairs. "Honey?" he called.
"Yes dear?"
"Could you come here for a moment, please?" Complying with her husband's command, Mrs. Cake walked to the counter and moved behind it to meet him.
"What do you need?" she asked with a helpful tone, which would disappear momentarily.
"Uhm...well, these kids want to know where babies come from, honey-bun."
As was predicted above, Mrs. Cake's overall mood shifted to a nervous-wreck. "Oh....these kids want to know that...?" she cleared her throat, "What...what did you need me for again?"
Mr. Cake leaned forward and whispered into his wife's ear, "Help me get out of this!"
Mrs. Cake replied with her own whisper into her spouse's ear, "What am I supposed to do? It's not like I can explain it to them!"
The married couple argued back and forth in hushed tones, their backs facing the Cutie-Mark Crusaders. Said Crusaders could only stare at the odd sight in front of them, and wonder what the two were discussing. With another whispered statement, both adults looked towards the children and gave sheepish grins, before ending the secret conversation between them.
"Well girls," Mr. Cake started, "It happens like this: you're born up in the clouds by cloud ponies, and then delivered to your homes by storks. That's where babies-"
"Ah hate ta interrupt, Mr. Cake, but we've already heard that one. Isn't it supposed ta happen differently?" Apple Bloom flashed an honest grin as she and the other children awaited a different explanation.
The Cakes frowned and went back into their hush-hush huddle. "You didn't tell me they had been asking around town!" Mrs. Cake. seethed.
"I swear I had no idea!" her husband retorted. The two went back to arguing back and forth on what to do, leaving the children behind them confused once again. Mr. Cake turned back to look at the crusaders. "Uh, how many of these theories have you heard today, girls?"
The fillies counted in their heads, and Sweetie Belle answered, "About maybe...seven?"
This did nothing to help the Cakes' situation, and they went back to whispering to each other. Mrs. Cake turned back to ask the fillies a question. "How many of them have you considered believing?"
"None of them, actually," answered Scootaloo, "They were all either lame or ridiculous."
Again, this did not stack the odds in the Cakes' favor. Going back to their arguing at the sound level of a sleeping cat, the couple tried finding a way to get themselves out of this rut, and avoiding scarring the children. They were going to have to come up with something so believable that their curiosity would be sated. But how? With over seven different things told to the kids without even believing them a little, a task like this would be next to impossible.
Facing the crusaders yet again, the couple sheepishly grinned, before Mrs. Cake cleared her throat. "Alright kids. You really want to know where babies come from?" All three fillies nodded. Mrs. Cake blew out a deep breath she had taken. "Okay. See, uh, firstly..." the mare stuttered a bit as she thought. "Babies come from underwater. They...uh..."
"Come up to the surface to study our culture!" yelled Mr. Cake, helping his wife. "Their secret underwater society is always curious about what happens on the surface, so they occasionally come up here and study us."
"Yeah, that's exactly it!" Mrs. Cake agreed.
The children were intrigued, but of course, being children, were still curious. "Wait, if they come from an underwater society, why do they always end up in hospitals?" Sweetie Belle, being ever the inquirer, asked.
"Oh, uh," the only male in the room started, "it's because when the babies exit the water, they get sick really easily, so they have to spend a few days in the hospital, or else they come down with something."
"Why?" came the word the Cakes' were dreading, from Apple Bloom.
"Because they're underwater for most of their lives, dearie. They aren't used to the air."
"But then how do they breathe underwater and on the surface?"
"The babies are born with lungs that work underwater, but only work on the surface once they get up here. Then, they can't breathe water anymore."
"Then how do they tell their underwater friends about the surface?"
"Letters. They use special paper that can stay intact underwater."
"Why do only babies come from underwater? Don't they age down there?"
The Cakes were almost at their wits end, but chugged along, hoping this next answer would end it all. "No, the babies only change when they get up here, like their lungs. Their bodies react to the air and change over time because of it." The children were quiet after that, and the Cakes were satisfied that they had been able to work their way out of this question. Mr. Cake mimed a "phew!" as he wiped a hoof across his forehead. All was good.
The husband of the business went back to his chore of wiping the counter-top as his wife decided to take a detour into the kitchen to check on some of their confections. It had been a nice day, Mr. Cake thought. Business was a little slow, but not too slow that no money was being made. It was nice and quiet since Pinkie left this morning on her day off, just the way the couple liked it. Not that they didn't enjoy Pinkie's presence, quite the opposite actually. It's just that everypony could probably take a break from Pinkie every once in a-
"Wait, if all babies came from underwater to study surface culture, and everypony at one time was a baby, how come we aren't writing to the ponies underwater? Why isn't everypony? And why don't we talk about it if it's why we came up here in the first place? And why don't we remember being underwater?"
Of the three fillies, Mr. Cake never expected to hear so many questions from the pegasus, who seemed to be the least interested in knowledge and the pursuit of it. "Err-uh-oh-um-hm," was all Mr. Cake was able to produce from his mouth and vocal chords. He was cornered, pinned, trapped, or any other word that is similar to that. "Those are good questions, Scootaloo! But uh, I've really got to check on the baked goods!"
"But ain't Mrs. Cake already back-"
"I think I smell something burning, bye!" The co-owner of the sweets shop escaped quickly and safely, leaving three confused fillies in his wake.
Apple Bloom spoke up, "Uhhh, you girls noticin' a pattern here?"
"Each pony we ask gets incredibly nervous about the subject?" asked Sweetie Belle.
"Yeah, that. Why do ya think that is?"
"I dunno. I mean, it is just a question, right?" Scootaloo wondered.
"Well yeah, so why get so flustered 'bout it? It doesn't make sense to me."
"Maybe if we ask enough ponies and get an answer that doesn't sound like a lie, we'll find out!" the unicorn of the group suggested.
"Sounds good ta me," the unofficial leader began as she led the other two out the entrance of Sugar Cube Corner, "To knowledge!" she cheered before heading out with her friends in tow.
--
It didn't take the children long to find another pony. It also didn't take them long to ask about babies. It was at this that the pony in question's face turned red, and stuttered, "B-babies? O-oh my..." This pony in question was none other than the Element of Kindness herself, Fluttershy, whom the crusaders zeroed in on due to her vast knowledge of (animal) biology.
"So can ya tell us?" asked the bow wearing filly.
"W-well, t-that's kind of a touchy subject..."
"Oh come on!" complained the unicorn of the group, "We've gotten so many different answers just like that!"
"There's a reason for that, you know..."
The crusaders groaned. "Please can ya tell us?"
"But...girls, I don't think-" Fluttershy was interrupted as she caught the gaze of the children. Each was using the "sad puppy eyes", and their lower lips protruded in a pouting fashion. The kind pony sighed. "Oh...fine," she had caved. The children smiled as a small squee eminated from seemingly their smiles (how ponies are able to do this is still unknown, and it is a frivolous topic for research and debate).
The animal lover sighed again as she began to formulate a lie. Of course she wasn't going to actually tell the children of...that. Instead, they'd get a child-friendly fib. Not too hard to do, right?
The mare cleared her throat, and began. "Well, it all begins in a field of special flowers, when a seed lands on an un-bloomed flower's petals. This isn't a common occurrence, and it only happens in fields, which is why you don't see seeds landing on them around here. After the seed lands on the flower, it's taken by a pony, and sold as a romantic gift. A stallion gets the gift for his fillyfriend, and she eats it. The flower, having that special seed in it, begins to grow inside the mare.
"As the seed continues growing, the mare starts to get, well, plump (which might explain why she gets moody, too). Then, before long, the mare feels something in her tummy moving around, and goes to the hospital to find out what it is. The doctors find a baby, and take it out. That's why babies are always found in hospitals when they're born."
This explanation was the closest to plausible the crusaders had heard all day. But, there was one thing that struck them as off. Once again, Scootaloo raised a hoof. "Yes, Scootaloo?" the animal lover called.
"If you have to eat a certain flower to have a baby, and anypony can eat, why do only mares have babies?"
This was what caused Fluttershy's confidence to crumble like the cookie left in milk for too long. Seriously, it was all mushy and broke off. "Uhhhhh....." the butter-colored pony was at a loss for words, and lies, for that matter. "You see...uh...i-it's because mares are able to fit more in their stomachs!"
In the distance, a blue unicorn mare heard Fluttershy's words and retorted. "You saying we get fat easily!?"
Fluttershy vigorously shook her head "Nononono, of course not! Um, mares have babies because they have uh...better caring ability than stallions!"
A gray earth stallion walked along, pushing a baby in its carriage, and shouted, "Well, I see what side of the gender debate you're on!"
"Oh, I-I mean, um..." her eyes darted about, until she noticed a rabbit in the distance. She took advantage of the opportunity, and fled, saying, "OhlookaninjuredanimalIbettergotakecareofitbye!"
As one mare fled the scene, another, this one a purple unicorn, approached the kids. She passed by the distressed pegasus (who was pretending to perform CPR on the rabbit and at the same time repeating "I'm sorry" to it thousands of times over) with a confused glance, and asked the kids, "What was that all about?"
Apple Bloom groaned, "All we've been tryin' ta do, all day, is FIND OUT WHERE BABIES COME FROM!" Several passerby turned their heads away quickly from the yelling filly, sure she had gone mad. Twilight, however, instead of following suit with the rest of the ponies, only smiled.
"That's all? I could've told you that. In fact, maybe you could come to the library and check out a book or two on the subject. There's plenty of them!"
"Y'know what?" the bow-wearing filly began, "Ah think I'd rather get the info out of a book at this point. Let's go crusaders!" The trio moved to follow the librarian back to her humble abode. Reaching the library, the four ponies walked inside to be greeted by Spike, though in an inattentive manner, as he was moseying about dusting books.
"So, where do we find books on babies?" asked Sweetie Belle.
"In the biology and pony development section," The purple unicorn responded as she pointed to a certain division of books all too quickly, a sign that she should probably stop spending so much time in the library. The trio of kids made a mad dash to said section and scanned through all the tomes as quickly as they could. Sweet knowledge was almost their's, if they could just find a book that would sate their curiosity.
"Oh, I think I found something!" yelled Sweetie Belle before she realized she was in a library, and quieted down. The other two went right to the white unicorn to check out what kind of book she had found. It was titled: "The Reproductive System, STD's, and the Development of Babies". Despite its odd name, the crusaders felt it was worth checking out, due to the "baby" part.
"What're ya waitin' for?" asked Apple Bloom, "Crack it open!" There were two sounds, one immediately following the other: the sound of a book opening and three "EWWW!"s emanating from the three girls. Said just recently opened book contained lovely diagrams of the two genders' genitalia, and said girls were, as you would expect from three little girls, disgusted.
"What is all that!?" wailed Scootaloo as she pointed at a diagram of the penis. Though, in particular, she was pointing at the sperm inside it.
"Forget those, what about these things!?" shouted Apple Bloom as she pointed to the ovaries on the vagina diagram.
"GROSS GROSS GROSS GROSS GROSS!" Sweetie Belle repeated as she closed the accursed piece of literature. All three fillies stared in awkward silence at the book, still trying to digest what their eyes cannot unsee. The three might as well have seen something gross that colts did regularly at school (something they did regularly to tease the fillies. Ah, young love) multiplied by 10 and they still wouldn't have been as grossed out as they were right there.
"Girls," the un-official leader began, "what...did we just look at?"
"I-I dunno," came the voice of Scootaloo, "but do we have to look again? I really don't want to."
"No. We're leaving this closed. That's final." Sweetie Belle's tone was a bit demanding, but it was necessary. Never would they gaze upon this evil tome and its pictures of disgust again (at least until they were older and knew what everything meant). They put the book down on the table they sat at, but the book in question was then picked up immediately by one Spike the dragon (who had come into the room after hearing the alarming screams of terror).
"What are you three freaking out about so much?" the dragon asked with a raised eyebrow. Scootaloo only pointed at the book Spike currently had in his grasp. He scoffed, "This? It's just a boo-AGHHHHHHHH!" Foolishly, he had opened the book as well, but had suffered a fate far worse than the girls. No, he saw not a diagram, but a picture of a penis. Infected with herpes. With a lightning-fast pace, Spike closed the dreadful information station and threw it to the ground and joined the fillies in their traumatized child pain.
"What in the wide world of Equestria is going on in here?" The librarian herself strolled in after hearing the cry of her #1 assistant. Much like Scootaloo, Spike could only point at the book that now lay upside-down on the ground. Like Spike, Twilight raised an eyebrow and picked up the book in question with her magic. "Oh, this book? But how could you be scared of it? It has all the information you need on babies." She opened it, turned a few pages, and read some lines.
"Nothing to it. Would you rather I get you another book?" The librarian frowned at the children's (including Spike's) furiously shaking heads.
"No! No more books on the subject! Ah think we're gonna just go back to askin' other ponies, bye!" Apple Bloom and the other crusaders made a quick getaway with their leader's words, leaving Spike alone, rocking back and forth in the fetal position.
"Spike, are you gonna be okay?" The dragon in question shook his head.
"Twilight, I don't know what herpes is, but never let me get it. Ever."
--
As the fillies continued recovering from such a traumatic experience, they began to regain their earlier confidence and decided to start asking around again, albeit with a bit less enthusiasm.
"Well, when a stallion and a mare love each other very much..." trailed off Big Macintosh, whom the kids had found delivering apples in Ponyville.
"They somehow make a baby?" asked Sweetie Belle.
"Eeyup."
"But how do they do it? Do they eat something special?" Scootaloo wondered.
"Nope."
"Oh, do they taste like cake?"
Big Mac looked down at his sister with a raised eyebrow, wondering where she could have gotten such an idea. "...nope?"
"GOOD!" All three fillies shouted simultaneously. Sweetie Belle turned her head up to face Big Mac's face. "...so how do they do it?"
Big Mac sighed. He had a feeling this day would come, but didn't think it so soon. Better now and getting it over with, he figured. "Like Ah was sayin', when a stallion n' a mare love each other very much, they get married, and then, well, a kid all of a sudden appears. It happens just like this-"
"BIG MACINTOSH YOU'D BETTER NOT FINISH THAT SENTENCE!" came the sound of Applejack's angry voice. She had been helping Big Mac with delivering the apples once the ones at the stand were sold out, but at the moment was a bit behind due to her interest in the wares at a certain stall. She was, however, not too far away that she couldn't hear the middle of Big Mac's sentence.
Wide-eyed with fear, the large stallion began moving again with a distressed "Eeyup!" The cart of apples behind him rattled as he left, making a few apples fall out. Following the scared pony was the angry one, who made sure he stayed focused on the objective at hoof. This left the children, once again, on their own.
Apple Bloom groaned and threw herself to the ground, generally tired and stressed from all the horseapples they had gotten that day. Laying on her back, she stared up into the clouds, and her friends' faces, who stared right back down at her. "Girls, why are we even tryin' anymore?"
"Because we're on a quest for knowledge?" Sweetie Belle guessed.
"Because we have nothing better to do?" Scootaloo wasn't really entertained by the possibility of knowing where babies came from anymore.
Apple Bloom got up from the ground and dusted herself off. "Y'know what? Ah say we do have better things ta do."
Scootaloo decided to challenge this notion. "Like what?"
Apple Bloom put a hoof to her chin in thought, though, in doing so, she gave Scootaloo victory in her argument. "Uh....." she focused more, but came up with nothing. "Gosh darnit! Ah can't think of anything!"
The pegasus nodded as if she expected that answer. "This was the only thing we had planned for today."
"Well, couldn't ya have maybe come up with a back-up plan?"
"Hey, you came up with this. I figured you'd be the one with the back-up plan."
"But ain't each of us supposed ta come up with a back-up?" At hearing this, the earth and pegasus pony both looked to the unicorn of the group. Said unicorn grinned sheepishly.
"Uhm...so maybe I don't have a plan either..."
The crusaders sat in an awkward silence for a few moments, each collecting their thoughts on the situation they were in. Scootaloo decided to speak up again once she was done thinking. "So, we're just gonna continue with this, aren't we?"
Apple Bloom nodded. "At least until we gotta go home. Then we can think of a better plan fer tomorrow."
"Then I know exactly who we're asking next," the orange pegasus smiled widely.
--
"You kids wanna know what?"
"Oh, come on Rainbow Dash. You can't be lame like everypony else was!"
So, as anyone would imagine, Scootaloo had been referring to Rainbow Dash when she said she'd know who to ask next. Please, hold your shock. The rainbow-maned pegasus had been taking a snooze (again, hold your shock) in a tree in Ponyville's park. Her snoring was loud enough that you could hear it from a two mile radius, so it's anyone's guess on how the crusaders couldn't have found her.
Rainbow Dash thought over her #1 fan's statement, and decided to do exactly what Scootaloo expected. "Of course not, kid! I find it my mission to never be boring, especially for my fans!" On the inside, her confidence diminished as she realized just what she'd have to tell them. It's okay, she thought to herself, Squirt eats up anything you say. It probably wouldn't hurt to fib a little, right?
"Alright kids, coming to me to know where babies come from is the best thing you did today! Prepare to hear the most awesome thing ever!" The story was already formulating in her mind, and she was sure it would blow the fillies away. "Are ya ready?"
Scootaloo was vigorously nodding her head and beaming, while the other two crusaders nodded solemnly. "Let's hear it Rainbow Dash!" the orange pegasus squealed with excitement.
With her fan's words, the blue pony grinned with confidence and began.
--
It starts out with several ponies, waaaay up in the sky...
Higher than Cloudsdale?
You bet, Squirt. All their lives, these ponies train for intense races. Man, you should see them! They're fast, agile, and as awesome as me! These races they train for, they're extremely important.
But why? What makes them worth trainin' their whole lives for?
The prize, kid. The prize of the race is bigger than anything you could ever imagine, but I'll get to that. When the day of a race comes, all the ponies line up at the start. The checkered flag raises. Everypony is tense, knowing that if they lose, they won't get the ultimate prize they've trained their whole lives for. There's silence...then BAM! The flag lowers and everypony's off faster than the wind!
Traps and obstacles are strewn about the course, and it makes for a way cooler race! Nets activated by a switch hidden on the ground, rigged ropes hung on trees with bait, catapults that launch you backwards, all in there!
Wait, you said this was in the sky. How are there trees and ground in the sky?
Oh, um, it's a giant, floating, invisible city that's so high, you'd reach the outside of the sky before you get to it.
Wow!
So like I was saying, all the ponies are neck and neck, running or flying as fast as they can, inching closer and closer to the finish line. These few ponies left were able to dodge all the dangerous traps and make it through the tough course, and it was worth it. They're all neck and neck, hoof and hoof, each so close to victory. Their limbs are tired and run down, but the adrenaline keeps pushing 'em, making them move faster and faster until before you can even blink, one pony is able to cross the finish line and be declared champion!
So, what is this awesome prize? Is it a giant trophy made of gold?
Nope.
Oh, a lifetime supply of food?
Even better.
What is it!? What is it!?
The championed pony is sent down to Equestria, where they become a kid to a mare and a stallion, and they're able to live an awesome life here! They get to experience life on the ground, but unfortunately, they also lose their memories of the city in the sky. That's why we all don't remember a single thing about it.
--
"But, if we can't remember the race and the city in the sky, how do you know about it, Rainbow Dash?" asked Scootaloo, who thoroughly enjoyed the story.
"That's an easy one, kid," the daredevil began, "Don't tell any other ponies, but I get sent up there by Princess Celestia every once in awhile, just to check the traps for functionality, though. I've already raced and won. And so have you.
"Really!?"
"Well, you're here, aren't you?"
The awestruck pegasus filly was speechless, wishing she had remembered such an amazing time in her life. A nearby stallion, who had heard the whole story as he enjoyed a sandwich on a bench, was not as impressed. "That's a bunch of hay!" he proclaimed to Dash, "That story was too much fantasy and not enough reality for me, and it bordered on the hinges of 'Outright Ridiculous'. Why don't you just tell them where babies really come from?"
Irritated at the criticism of her amazing story and that he's so careless with children's innocence, Rainbow Dash retorted. "How do you know it's not where babies come from?"
"Because," the stallion began, "I've got a PhD in pony biology, thank you."
Well, that was unexpected. Rainbow Dash had been dealt a blow she couldn't very well defend or retaliate from. "Oh yeah? Well...well...biology doesn't mean anything! You ever wonder why they're only called theories and not cold hard facts?"
"Because if they were given that title, it would be quite hard to say things such as 'Isaac Neighton's Cold Hard Facts of Gravity'. Are you on your monthly menstruating period? You seem a bit high strung."
The pegasus' face went from a bright blue to a deep red. "N-no! I'm just annoyed that you're being so careless about this kind of thing! Especially with kids involved!"
"Children?" the now apparent doctor in biology scoffed, "Better for them to know as soon as possible. Why bother with 'innocence'?"
"Because it's the natural way of things! You always need to wait until they're at least teenagers!"
The Crusaders, who had all until now been caught up in the argument, realized that, with Rainbow Dash's words, they had once again been lied to. The sad part was, at this point, they were used to it. Sighing, the trio left the park, wondering if they'd ever know the truth. Their exit didn't go unnoticed by Rainbow Dash, who had just realized what she said and who she was in front of when she did.
"No, wait, I didn't mean it!" the pegasus called out to the children. She face-hoofed, then turned back around angrily to the stallion on the bench, who was smugly grinning. "Now look what you made me do!"
The two ponies continued to bicker and argue for awhile, never once considering the other ponies in the park who were there to relax, and who were glaring at them.
--
"Y'know what girls? Ah think Ah'm done." Apple Bloom, who lead the trio on this odd escapade, admitted defeat.
Scootaloo shrugged. "Yeah, I think I'm right there with you."
Sweetie Belle yawned. "Besides, it's getting late, and I'm tired from running around. Maybe we should all just go home."
Apple Bloom turned her head and noticed the setting sun, then turned back and faced Sweetie, nodding. "All in favor say 'I'." The other two raised their hooves and responded with "I". "Motion carried. See ya tomorrow girls." The Cutie Mark Crusaders disbanded and went their separate ways, ready to get into their warm homes.
--
Once again, Apple Bloom had awoken that morning with a mind full of ideas. However, these were not ones based on the question of babies' origins. They were based on normal filly/Cutie Mark Crusader plans. She went through her whole morning routine without a second thought, eating her breakfast, washing up, and heading off to school. She arrived at said school at 8:00 sharp, ready for whatever the day might bring.
The children in the classroom were talkative and social, as was custom when the teacher was not present. Apple Bloom sat in her desk, waved to her fellow crusaders Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo, and prepared for Ms. Cheerilee's arrival.
The entrance to the schoolhouse opened, and a voice with the tone of a bright and cheerful teacher followed it. "Good morning children!"
"Good morning Ms. Cheerilee," responded the class, some saying it out of instinct while others meant it sincerely. The teacher of the class moved to her desk and shuffled some things around before producing two large sheets of paper.
"Now class, before we begin, I'd like to say that today's lesson was inspired by a special certain filly in this room." Inspired by a student? This was new. Usually Ms. Cheerilee had come up with the lesson plans on her own. The teacher continued, "Honestly, I had been kept up last night tossing and turning on this, but decided that this lesson would be a good thing for all of you."
The purple mare continued grabbing things from her desk, including chalk, and set it in the small rail on the chalkboard. She unraveled the two papers from earlier and pinned them on the chalkboard, but none of the fillies or colts could see what they contained, as their teacher's body obscured them. "Class, I'd like to get one more thing out of the way. We are all big fillies and colts here, so we're going to be mature about this lesson." She picked up the chalk and began writing.
"Mature"? But what for? All lessons and lectures were on their level, so why was this one so special? Cheerilee finished writing and turned her head towards the class with a smile. "Today's lesson," she said as she moved out of the way of the chalkboard. What she revealed could not have been worse for any Cutie Mark Crusader in the room. "Is on Sexual Education!" the teacher finished. Written on the board were the words just spoken by Cheerilee, and the two pieces of paper unraveled and placed on the board were diagrams of the dreaded penis and vagina.
--
Dear Babs,
Babies? That's a weird thing to happen. How can you tell if a fish is a boy or a girl, anyways? They all look the same to me. Also, how do the fish make the babies? How are babies usually made?
Never ask where babies come from. Ever.
Your disturbed cousin,
Apple Bloom
